Go The F**k To Sleep: Funny or Offensive?
Saturday, June 18, 2011 
Last weekend when we were shopping at Chapters, the book "Go The F**k To Sleep" by Adam Mansbach caught my eye. I hadn't heard about it until that moment and I was curious what it was all about. I picked it up and leafed through it, giggling a bit at some of the bedtime scenarios that were all too familiar. If you haven't seen the book yet, you can watch this video of it being read by Samuel L. Jackson (the story starts at about 1:00 if you want to skip the intro).
[Edited to add: VIDEO NO LONGER AVAILABLE]
All parents have been there, right? We've all had those times when we wished, for once, that our baby, toddler or older child would just go to sleep already. We've all had those evenings where we are desperate for some alone time, where we have something we need to do after the kids are in bed, or where we are just EXHAUSTED and want to go to sleep ourselves.
Everyone has thought it at one time or another, with or without the profanity. So I giggled, because I've been there, just like you have. However, it left me feeling a bit uneasy.
I work in a city and I like to walk on my lunch hour. Sometimes I walk along busy sidewalks. Sometimes I walk in the mall. Sometimes I cut through stores. When I am walking, my goal is to keep moving at a decent pace. Inevitably, I will end up stuck behind people who are not walking as fast as I am and who do not get out of my way. Some of those people are clueless, i.e. they are chatting with their friend and are completely oblivious to the fact that I want to pass them. Some people notice that I want to pass and just can't be bothered getting out of the way. But there are also people who are in my way because they are in a wheelchair or using a walker, because they are elderly, because they are obese, because they have one of those huge strollers, or simply because their legs are shorter than mine.
So, I could probably write a book called "Get the F**k Out of My Way." Maybe it would be funny when relating it to the scenarios where some jerk just can't be bothered getting out of my way. Perhaps it would even be funny when talking about the people who are just clueless that I'm trying to pass them. But would it be funny if I was directing my "Get the F**k Out of My Way" to someone who is disabled, obese, elderly or vertically challenged? Not really.
Through the eyes of parents alone, "Go the F**k to Sleep" may be funny, just as "Get the F**k Out of My Way" would be funny if you were considering only my view point and not the viewpoint or limitations of those I was directing it at. In most cases, I don't think our children are staying awake at night specifically to annoy us. Perhaps there may be the odd occasion where an older child is purposely trying to disrupt the parents' plans, but for the most part, I don't think that a non-sleeping child realizes that they are ruining your evening or keeping you from sleeping. They are thinking that they want to cuddle with you, that they are not tired, that they are thirsty, that they are scared, that they are lonely, or that they just don't want to sleep.
Some of those are needs, others are wants, but none of them are maliciously intended actions that deserve a response such as "Go The F**k To Sleep," even if we are sometimes thinking that on the inside.
So yes, I giggled a bit, but I didn't feel great about it and I wouldn't say that I endorse the book's message any more than I would endorse a comedian who made inappropriate jokes.
"Please stay to the right."
"Please close your eyes."
Those are, I think, more reasonable requests, even for our inside voices, than "[blank] the f**k [anything]." Both for our own sanity and frame of mind and out of respect for the person those words and thoughts are directed at, even when they are annoying us.
Reader Comments (214)
Thank you for this Annie. I'm not easily offended, but something about this book made me uneasy too. I wondered if I was just being overly sensitive but I think you've hit the nail on the head for me.
I agree, there's an uneasy feeling about it. Funny for a few seconds, but not something you would want to read or expose to yourself repeatedly. I try not to expose myself to negative things, and so I probably won't buy it even though I thought it was funny at first.
But "please close your eyes" wouldn't sell books.
I'd say I'm on the same page. I did giggle reading it too - especially the "I've failed as a parent" line. Taken as something a parent might say in the heat of the moment it's definitely a "been there" type book. But yeah, I'd have to say I'm on the fence about whether it's really funny or not. And I can honestly say I've never said that to or about my children. Although "Please Go To Sleep" has happened a lot :)
I actually found the book to be absolutely hilarious and laughed my way through the entire thing. I completely related with the frustration and in fact it reminded me of the night my son refused to sleep because we could not find his blue pacifer. We looked all over the house for over an hour and still could not find it.
I think it is good talk about the times that we are frustrated as parents because all to often the vocalization of any kind of frustration is read as a person being a bad parent. You can't lose your temper, and you certainly cannot yell and yet we know that we all lose it sometimes. I think this would have bothered me more if parents were actively saying go the fuck to sleep but in this case, it is more a story of his inner monologue, or at least that is how I read it. Parents are human and sometimes like everyone else we may think unkind things but we don't say them.
I haven't read this book either, but it did make me feel uneasy. I admit that all books that have the F*ck in the title make me uneasy. Maybe they could've come up with a better title?
i also had a similar feeling..laughing along at first then feeling kind of nauseous..you are right we have all been there..but i can't imagine buying a copy, for what? to read to my child?!
i listed to it this week a few times with my husband and laughed and laughed. it's not for kids. it's for parents. i appreciated it because i've been there--at least in my inner monologue. there is a reason sleep deprivation is torture!
I'll start off by saying that I tend to agree with about everything posted on this blog...
BUT...
In this case, although I whole-heartedly understand your logic, I disagree because I believe that it is implied that parents DO in fact understand that their child isn't staying awake solely and simply to annoy us (parents). The book isn't about the child, or even for a child (I hope, haha), but instead is a humorous piece geared toward making parent's laugh. And I think it does the job (as you stated too). It's OKAY if some parents don't laugh, because humor is subjective and we don't all think the same things are funny.
So, I think if anybody (or you) is to object to the book, it should simply be about the heavy use of foul language! :)
Anyway, sorry to disagree, I still love your work!!!!
I agree Renee- there's a difference between saying to a child, "Go the f**k to sleep" and reading a book with that title. We get frustrated. It happens as human beings and parents. I think that channeling the frustration by reading a funny parody of a children's book and laughing at it is a relatively healthy way of dealing. And as the mother of three children who do. not. want. to. sleep. ever. it was great to see the book and think, "Yes! I'm not the only one who gets frustrated by my kids' (lack of) sleep habits." While I would never actually curse at my kids when I want them to sleep- because I understand that they are little ones who depend on me to meet their needs- my inner monologue is often vastly different from what I say out loud.
Interesting comparisons. My first reaction, though, was laughter, so I had to really think about why I laughed. I tend to think parents find the book funny because it speaks to darker impulses that we often repress, and that the laughter is almost a sort of release that comes with confirmation that we aren't alone in sometimes feeling this way.
Yes, our children deserve sympathetic responses, but that doesn't mean they're always easy to offer. And there is a big difference between laughing at the book and actually laughing at our children.
Here's what I posted this morning:
http://stlouissmartmama.blogspot.com/2011/06/go-f-to-sleep-my-thoughts-part-1.html
I agree--this book is for parents, not for children. I think it's hilarious. Of course kids (most of the time) aren't staying up to make us angry or to purposely do something wrong; nonetheless, by the end of the day it's hard to have patience or empathy. I think any parent who is being honest can relate to that, even if they wouldn't use the terminology used in this book.
I'm a little surprised to hear a blogger uncomfortable with the idea of a parent saying out loud the things that parents often think on the inside. It's kind of what we do around here. And we save each other when we do it.
Comedians who make inappropriate jokes have also saved me from time to time.
I vote funny.
Renee:
I agree with what you have said. Perhaps the issue for me is that the "unkind things" were said in this particular case (and published too)?
I laughed my ass off. I thought it was hilarious.
I think everyone I know has sent me a link to that book or commented to me about it. I have a child who doesn't sleep well so it's a sentiment I can certainly relate to.
I'm not a big fan of "F*ck" either - I certainly say it (in appropriate company) but I tend not to use it in my posts - but I do think it implies an understanding of/commiseration for a particular situation.
I actually haven't even read it or listened to it - probably because I assumed everything I needed to know about it was in the title. But I can tell you that if this had been around 3 years ago I certainly would have appreciated it. Call me naive, but I really had no idea how tough it was to get kids to sleep sometimes. This might have helped me feel less alone.
My son will probably grow up knowing he tormented us with sleep - not in a blaming way, or a "you were bad" way, but we're bound to tease him a little bit. I trust that when he's old enough to understand that, he'll be old enough to know that babies are hard and not sleeping was one of the hardest parts for us so I certainly wouldn't think he'd be offended by the concept of a book like this.
As someone who suffered from postpartum depression, I think it's really important to be able to acknowledge that sometimes we say or think or do things with our kids that wouldn't be our first choice, and that it doesn't make us bad parents.
That doesn't necessarily mean this exact format is the way to do it, just pointing out an argument for the positive side of this.
mom101:
I can think of other scenarios where I thought it was inappropriate, such as that post where the mom said that she loved her son more than her daughter and if one of them had to die the choice would be really easy.
I think that there is a way to say things out loud while also being respectful towards our children. There are certainly things that I do not share because I don't think it would be fair to them, that includes things that they might consider private as well as things that could be hurtful.
I'm not advocating that the book should be banned and I did find it funny, but I also have reservations about it as I expressed in this post.
I think it's hilarious, I would never read it to my child but I'm going to play it for my husband later. He will laugh uproariously. The fact that Samuel L jackson reads it makes it even funnier. How many times has every parent been there? It's probably a good idea to cultivate a sense of humor and not take everything so seriously. Some things are meant to be light-hearted, irreverent and perverse.
Abby:
I actually don't have a big problem with foul language. It is the attitude behind it that bothered me more.
If my kids want to say that something is "f*cking hilarious", I would be okay with that (although I also try to teach them that others may find it offensive). However if they tell someone to "Go f*ck yourself" I would have a problem with that.
I loved it. Absolutely loved it, because you know what? I've said those things in my head countless times, and it was encouraging to know that I wasn't a terrible mother, I wasn't alone in thinking those things, I'm just a human being who wants my kids to go to sleep. Of course it's not a book for children nor a book that I would buy, but I find it wildly hilarious as a joke between understanding adults - not as something anyone would actually say to their child.
I find it frustrating that in the AP world, mothers are discouraged from voicing these inner thoughts (to each other, not to their children!). Things aren't always sunshine and rainbows, and it's validating to have someone outright say what so many of us are thinking.
If you hasn't heard about this book before last week, you are obviously not spending enough time on Facebook. ;) It has gotten lots of press including a big pre-publication push when some of it was leaked.
I think it is hilarious. I completely miss your point. Really. I just don't get why this would be offensive to entirely unrelated classes of people who irritate you. This is about being free to bitch about your kids. I read it to my now teenage kids and they thought it was hysterical. We had a discussion about which one was the hardest to get to sleep and the fact that while I would never ever have said "Go the fuck to sleep" to them when they were babies or toddlers, I do it fairly regularly now. They totally get it.
My only reservation about this book (and I took some grief about it when we discussed this book on my FB Fan page last week) is that it seems to assume kids all sleep in cribs or otherwise separately from their parents. I asserted that kids who co-sleep are less likely to make you want to say "Go the fuck to sleep." That was my experience - that past infancy they fell and stayed asleep more easily than kids who sleep in cribs. My kids absolutely never would sleep anywhere but next to me. I heard from lots of people who also co-sleep and still wanted to say "Go the fuck to sleep." So I learned something. I still do think the book assumes crib sleeping but it strikes a chord in parents regardless of where their kids slept.
I don't think this book is offensive, I think it is hilarious. And, despite its beautiful illustrations, it is obviously not a children's book. It is parody.
by the way, i was being sarcastic..of course i know it's not meant to be read to a child ;)
I'm on the funny side of this one. I'm not offended. It's obviously not for kids. It's just a book that expresses how we've all felt. And I don't think any of us think our babies or kids are being malicious in their intent.
As always, a well-written and thoughtful post. But nah. I'm not uneasy.
I was linked to this from an unschooling/natural learning attachment parenting super mum. And even she could see the funny side. I personally LMAO, no one would ever say that to their child but it totally appeals to your dark side as a parent, it can be soooo frustrating sometimes. I love the ending where mum is sleeping on the couch hehehe! Poor daddy so tired but still stuck with a not asleep kid. :)
I laughed my ass off when I first saw this shared on my FB page. I cosleep with a little one who goes to bed a couple of hours before we do and just hates to miss out on the fun, so whenever he realizes he's nodding off, he bolts awake and does a few "butt dive-bombs" (as we call them) on me, and giggles uncontrollably. Then he either crawls off the bed (if he's awake enough) or lies down and tosses in a seemingly neverending circle, stopping to nurse for a second or two as he passes the boob. I have definitely laughed and said, "Come on, kid, go the fuck to sleep! You're tired, I'm tired, and while you're funny now, we're all gonna regret it if you stay up." Yes, I swear in front of my one-year-old, all the time, and so far, I'm not sorry. There's nothing all that unkind in the book, and having Jackson read the audio version was GENIUS. Perhaps I'd feel differently if we'd had very real sleep issues in our house (comparable to your account of disabled people getting in your way while walking) and not just a super-social kid who hates to wake up by himself if Mom and Dad are hanging out in the other room (more comparable to able-bodied people moseying along without thinking about the effect on others).
I think you probably already know my opinion, but no, I don't think it's at all offensive. We've all been there, done that, and the book injects some humor into a situation that does not at all feel funny in the moment. Parenting is hard, ...the book isn't intended as a read for children, it's intended as a tongue-in-cheek commentary about a scenario all of us have experienced. When I had a baby shower in anticipation of my first baby, I received a card that had a picture of a baby with a bowl of spaghetti on her head, and the sentiment was something along the lines of "From now on, all your meals will be cold"... 11 years later, and I still chuckle at that card... it can bring a smile to my face in an otherwise not-at-all-funny situation -- that's the spirit of this book!
I thought the book was hilarious, and really enjoyed it. Renee summed up perfectly just how I feel about it :)
I personally think it's hilarious. But, then again, my oldest (a co-sleeper, to boot) didn't sleep longer than an hour and a half at a time until he was about 3. :) I've been there, I just never thought to publish it as an adult humor book. ;) As parents, our sense of humor is often the only thing that gets us through the day -- I vote "funny" and will be gifting this to friends who are expecting as a "you just WAIT!" sort of gift. ;)
Hmm, I can't help but feel like the point of the book is missed in this particular blog post and in most of its comments. It's not just a parody- it's cathartic. The extreme foul language, the attitude, the fact that Samuel L. Jackson (who can drop the f-bomb like no other) narrates juxtaposed with the illustrations and presentation of a children's book that is often requested at night before sleeping, is what makes this book worth reading, sharing and eventually buying.
There are some cultural needs this book satisfies as well. One is the need to connect with others and be validated for being human. I horrify myself when I use the f-word in relation to a kid (in my head, only!!) It's embarrassing, certainly not funny (at the time). This book is a reflection on those "it seems really bad now, but later it will be funny" moments, when you and your spouse joke, when the kids aren't around, exaggerating your frustration just to get it out!
Also, I don't feel like we should feel bad about being angry with our kids. Anger, like all emotions, serve a purpose. It's anger that makes you hop on the internet to look for a better solution instead of living the same thing night after night. We shouldn't take it out on our children, who have no idea what strife they are causing. If sucking it in until they are asleep and then letting my exact thoughts flow in front of my partner later successfully refreshes me, adds perspective and helps me move on, I consider it a triumph.
Yeah, I'm also not really getting your point here. It's satire for adults.
OK - I think the writer of this post gets that it is an adult book and it isn't meant for children. So let's stop telling her it is meant for parents/adults only. Most of us get that & for those of you who really thought this might be a REAL children's book - wow!
Now I think it is TOTALLY funny!!! I read it when a friend sent it to me by an email and LAUGHED!!! I have so many time thought this & have ranted about it. When my babies were small & couldn't understand what I was saying I'd actually say it out loud. It was said all sweet and loving, but it was said. In my head I was thinking it more sinisterly, but wouldn't say it that way. I have begged my kids to go to sleep, without the F word, but yes I've begged! My older child usually goes to sleep with no issues & the little one is off & on.
It is a fun take on what most parents think & feel & is just a release for pent up frustration. I can see if you put it into everyday thinking such as your example that it would make a person uncomfortable, but again I see the book more as funny play on words. But it is just a funny book! That's all.
Count me as another "hilarious" vote.
I don't use a lot of profanity, not even in my head. Yes, the language is a little strong, and I can understand that some people would find THAT offensive. But as a former non-sleeping child myself, I'm not bothered by the way that it pokes fun at kids and their antics. And as a parent who's felt the bottled up frustration of seeing an entire evening disappear to a non-sleeping child, I appreciate the chance to blow off some steam.
I think there's an important difference in your two examples. If someone suffers from a challenge that makes them permanently incapable of complying with your demand, and you're rude about it, it's discriminatory. But we love our kids. We HAVE to love them, if we're going to spend an hour plus some nights trying to coax them into sleep. We're not attacking a stranger for something beyond their control, we're poking fun at the frustration we feel. At least, that's my read.
You analogy feels like a bit of a reach. When I get slowed down by someone walking in front of me regularly, it does not contribute to my exhaustion. It does not happen at the end of a sometimes very long day. It does not contribute to me questioning my ability as a parent. It does not erode my sense of self-worth. Endless sleep deprivation does. At 3 in the morning, it totally can feel like your kid is waking you up on purpose, just to f**k with you. In the light of day, you might never think these things. I was lucky to have a prenatal instructor give us a heads up to the feeling that you may want to put your screaming baby in a basket on someone else's porch at 3am. I pass along that same message to first time parents.
I, for one, am thankful that I can both feel some comfort at not being alone in these dark thoughts and enjoy some much needed comic relief thanks to this book. Not everything in life, and certainly not in parenting, needs to be so serious or so deep. The point was to cause a quick, knowing smile and then move on.
Annie, I have to ask if you had a really, really "bad" sleeper -- I'm guessing not.
My first of four did not sleep more than an hour at a time until he was almost 4, and didn't sleep the night until past 5. During that time, my DH went away to basic military training for 5 months. I was at home with a 4 1/2 year old, a two-year old and a 5-month-old baby in the far North in the dead of winter. I co-slept with all of my kids, but the older two were in beds in a shared bedroom at that time.
I dreaded bedtime. It was hell. I often cried from exhaustion and sheer absolute frustration -- I needed them all asleep by 8:30 so I would have time to do chores and shovel the driveway before midnight. I would sometimes find myself begging for the boys to go to sleep, thinking terrible black thoughts about how they were all trying to drive me crazy. I have never experienced anything like it before or since.
So when I read this book, and read the line about "as I quietly weep" I laughed myself sick. It was so wonderfully validating to read my own thoughts in someone else's writing.
One last thought: when I was a child, my absolutely amazing dad worked shifts and was often exhausted. He used to play his guitar and sing us Brahm's lullaby - but after an hour he would sometimes quietly add his own lyrics to see if we were still awake: "Go to sleep,you little braaat, because I am exhausted..."
We always knew he was joking (he loved us to bits) and it is now an oft-repeated and much-loved family story.
I think we need to give our kids a bit of credit -- sure, don't swear at them, but it is OK to be human in front of them. To cry. To show frustration. To not be perfect. They won't be scarred for life, and I honestly think we serve them much better in their adulthoods if we are fairly honest about the frustrations of parenting in their childhoods.
I think a "Get the f@#k out of my way" would be funny to disabled and elderly etc, that irreverence is liberating and they would laugh at the stereotypes including the "impatient type". I would read this to my kids ...and the tone would count for SO much in the way they *hear* it. Its great for kids to catch glimpses of their parents, in a way thats not judging them but parodying the shortfalls in our patience and frustrations we endure. Kids *get*parody, the book is facetious, kids get that too.
Agreed. I found the book and its rampant popularity profoundly reassuring. Most nights I feel like a miserable failure. This made me feel much less lonely about sleep stuff. (I breastfed, coslept/sleep, yes, yes, but I am only human )
I absolutely agree that we sometimes say or do things as parents, whether we have postpartum depression or not, that wouldn't be our first choice and that it doesn't make us bad parents.
I actually found this quite cathartic in one huge way. One of the things I often hear from non-AP (or whatever) parents or parents who don't cosleep or CIO is the "your child will never learn to [fall asleep/stay asleep] on his/her own if you [cosleep/don't CIO]." (Anyone else heard this? I thought so.)
Anyway, it reminded me that with all of those people who say that, who are devout Ferberizers or whatever, many of them at some point have a hard time getting their kid to go to bed, regardless. So just because I struggle with my daughter's epic bedtimes now doesn't mean that what I've done the past couple of years has wrecked her for life... rather it means that I'm fighting a battle that's been fought since time immemorial. And that's soothing in and of itself.
And the book is hilarious. ;-)
Jake:
I'm not sure if I've misunderstood your comment or if you misunderstood my argument.
I don't think this book would be offensive to entirely unrelated classes of people who irritate me. I think this book might be offensive to my children, in the same way that it would be offensive for me to say "get the f*ck out of my way" to someone who was making it impossible for me to pass them on the sidewalk.
Cynthia:
I've been on a lot of attachment parenting message boards, facebook pages, twitter discussions and more where parents do openly share their inner thoughts and frustrations. Although I laughed at this book, I do think there are other ways to express the frustration that are perhaps better.
That said, comic relief is certainly useful as a parent. I just wonder if there isn't a way to do that while not simultaneously being rude.
Melissa:
I'm not particularly anti-profanity, so that wasn't my beef with the book. With regards to your statement: "Yes, I swear in front of my one-year-old, all the time, and so far, I’m not sorry," my guess is that you will be sorry when he starts using those words inappropriately in public. ;) (Again, I'm not anti-profanity, but I've just seen the looks parents get when their 2 year old is swearing like a sailor!!)
Annalisa:
I don't think that we should feel bad about being angry with our kids. Emotions are normal and healthy. But we do have choices about how we react to those emotions. It sounds like you have made some good choices in terms of how to deal with your anger.
M:
I understand that it is satire for adults. There is plenty of offensive satire out there. This is certainly not among the worst of it. However, just because something is satire, doesn't mean that anything goes.
Cin:
I did have a really bad sleeper. Not quite as bad as yours from your description and I did have the help of my partner. But I did feel the frustration on a regular basis and still do. Last night we thought our kids would be exhausted and fall into bed. Instead, it took close to two hours to get them to sleep.
For me, it is particularly during the difficult times that I need to fight the urge to think/say "go the f*ck to sleep", because that would make it even more difficult to bear.
Isn't the point of the book to give parents who are having a hard time with sleep a release- away from their kids- of that frustration? That way when you ARE in the middle of it you will have less of an urge to curse or rage, because you know you can (or already have) laugh about it in a different moment. That's how I see the book.
I completely agree with Annalisa.
Karen:
Regular exercise, me-time, and sleep are all pretty important to my own mental health.
Hmm. I may still be missing your point but the book isn't intended for your kids and my now older kids thought it was hilarious. They enjoyed my dramatic reading but the Samuel L. Jackson reading left them rolling. Between Star Wars and the whole riff of YouTube videos parodying "Snakes on a Plane," he is an icon to teen boys. Anything he says is gut-busting to them. So if my kids are any judge, kids of an appropriate age are not offended by it. They don't view it as an expression of real hostility. They can laugh *with* and not view it as being laughed *at.*
Cin, your father sounds wonderful!
You know I love you Annie, and you are entitled to feel uncomfortable with the book, but I have to disagree with the implication that an adult book that satirizes children's bedtime books is hurting any children.
The Sophie's Choice post isn't an apt analogy. A better analogy is any mom blog post in which we write, "oh my God, does this kid ever SLEEP? Kill me now." And then someone else responds, "I tried everything. My last straw: duct tape."
I could name about 100 of those.
I was uneasy by this book too. I agree, it is funny. It has gone viral. It is everywhere. It is selling. I hope that the author is making good royalties... even with it on YouTube for the world (and our children) to see.
And, yes, for the record, I have bad sleepers. My first didn't sleep more than 45 min for the first six months of his life. My girls still wake at 2 and 4 years old. My youngest is a bad sleeper. So, I get it. I get the expression of frustration. Been there and wear the badge.
But... I suppose it is use of profanity everywhere that is starting to bother me. It is infiltrated literature in a blatant way that bothers me, personally. It is representative of a growing lack of respect that I see more and more. It is bothersome.
We all have our right to our opinions and it was nice to read all of yours.