Go The F**k To Sleep: Funny or Offensive?
Saturday, June 18, 2011 
Last weekend when we were shopping at Chapters, the book "Go The F**k To Sleep" by Adam Mansbach caught my eye. I hadn't heard about it until that moment and I was curious what it was all about. I picked it up and leafed through it, giggling a bit at some of the bedtime scenarios that were all too familiar. If you haven't seen the book yet, you can watch this video of it being read by Samuel L. Jackson (the story starts at about 1:00 if you want to skip the intro).
[Edited to add: VIDEO NO LONGER AVAILABLE]
All parents have been there, right? We've all had those times when we wished, for once, that our baby, toddler or older child would just go to sleep already. We've all had those evenings where we are desperate for some alone time, where we have something we need to do after the kids are in bed, or where we are just EXHAUSTED and want to go to sleep ourselves.
Everyone has thought it at one time or another, with or without the profanity. So I giggled, because I've been there, just like you have. However, it left me feeling a bit uneasy.
I work in a city and I like to walk on my lunch hour. Sometimes I walk along busy sidewalks. Sometimes I walk in the mall. Sometimes I cut through stores. When I am walking, my goal is to keep moving at a decent pace. Inevitably, I will end up stuck behind people who are not walking as fast as I am and who do not get out of my way. Some of those people are clueless, i.e. they are chatting with their friend and are completely oblivious to the fact that I want to pass them. Some people notice that I want to pass and just can't be bothered getting out of the way. But there are also people who are in my way because they are in a wheelchair or using a walker, because they are elderly, because they are obese, because they have one of those huge strollers, or simply because their legs are shorter than mine.
So, I could probably write a book called "Get the F**k Out of My Way." Maybe it would be funny when relating it to the scenarios where some jerk just can't be bothered getting out of my way. Perhaps it would even be funny when talking about the people who are just clueless that I'm trying to pass them. But would it be funny if I was directing my "Get the F**k Out of My Way" to someone who is disabled, obese, elderly or vertically challenged? Not really.
Through the eyes of parents alone, "Go the F**k to Sleep" may be funny, just as "Get the F**k Out of My Way" would be funny if you were considering only my view point and not the viewpoint or limitations of those I was directing it at. In most cases, I don't think our children are staying awake at night specifically to annoy us. Perhaps there may be the odd occasion where an older child is purposely trying to disrupt the parents' plans, but for the most part, I don't think that a non-sleeping child realizes that they are ruining your evening or keeping you from sleeping. They are thinking that they want to cuddle with you, that they are not tired, that they are thirsty, that they are scared, that they are lonely, or that they just don't want to sleep.
Some of those are needs, others are wants, but none of them are maliciously intended actions that deserve a response such as "Go The F**k To Sleep," even if we are sometimes thinking that on the inside.
So yes, I giggled a bit, but I didn't feel great about it and I wouldn't say that I endorse the book's message any more than I would endorse a comedian who made inappropriate jokes.
"Please stay to the right."
"Please close your eyes."
Those are, I think, more reasonable requests, even for our inside voices, than "[blank] the f**k [anything]." Both for our own sanity and frame of mind and out of respect for the person those words and thoughts are directed at, even when they are annoying us.
Reader Comments (214)
I think it's funny.
My kids are 16, 15, and 9. I've been through the "lie or sit with the baby/small child until he or she is sleeping" phase. Yes, there were wonderful bonding times at night, and seeing how secure and independent my 3 "big kids" are now, I wouldn't have done it any differently.
But there were times when I was overwhelmed, and I just wanted the kid(s) to go the @#$% to sleep so I could get up and have an hour to myself. This book was clearly written by an attached parent, because a "non-attached" parent would have gotten up and let the kid cry herself to sleep, rather than stayed there with the child, even though Mom was frustrated and touched-out.
I think it's good for new and expectant parents to know that these occasional negative feelings are normal and can be laughed about.
I did think it was funny when I read it, perhaps because I was in the middle of a few weeks of very exhausting bedtimes. It did rub me the wrong way a bit though and I chose not to read it again. While i appreciated the laugh I strive to be positive and relaxed during bedtimes and an aggressive inner dialogue would probably not help!
I recently read your post on what you do when you're about to snap. Those are REAL parenting moments and so many comments thanked you for talking openly about a difficult subject. As a mother who refused to do CIO I had many nights of sitting in a chair rocking a baby in an INCREDIBLY sleep-deprived state myself, and although this was no where near yelling or being abusive, the desperation I felt in that state was totally a F*** moment, a go the F*** to sleep moment.
Its uncomfortable that parenting involved those moments but it DOES and this book is funny because it's true. Uncomfortably true.
Great themed blog.....
[...] Every week we link to blogs that we enjoy reading. Listed below are the new additions that we picked [...]...
This article instantly caught my attention, and I didn't think I would find an all out endorsement considering the subject matter. I'm a new father, and own this book, and feel that there is nothing inappropriate at all with it... simply inappropriate situations that could arise from it (ie. when my son is learning to read, this will not be the book I'll be teaching him with lol). I think the whole debate surrounding this book is not so much it's appropriateness, or even who's been targeted and at who's expense as the author of the post suggests, but whether swearing itself around a child is okay. In my opinion swearing and swear words for that matter have histories, genealogies, contexts, and even the dreaded "c" word can have an empowering use (please refer to http://www.phdinparenting.com/2012/02/06/teaching-a-child-to-refer-to-her-genitalia-as-the-c-word-guest-post/#.T0McVnLrSSo). I think when swear words are used it's the tone of voice and it's intended use that are the potential danger areas, like using it in a hateful or aggressive way, or using a word to demean someone, or it's percieved effect, like someone feeling demeaned by the use of a word. There is no direct effect that the utterance of a word injects into the recipient audience, instead a hermeneutic process of interpretation, meaning and internalization. If I'm reading a bedtime story to my son with the intention of lulling him to sleep, I certainly won't be yelling at him in an angry way and subjecting him to an unfair barrage of of frustrated 'F*&#'s (despite Sam Jackson's hillariousness). I think sheltering children from words, actions, people, world scenarios/realities, etc. is almost a form of fettishism in reverse, like an innocence fettishism, and creates a pedestal for children that life can rarely live up to... like Disney movies. I'd much rather introduce the not so innocent and sometimes downright naughty aspects of life (swear words, historical events, times people, and actions) in a much less taboo-esque manner rather than removing it from the bag of experiences until my child reaches age whatever. The book is a hilarious piece of work, and whether it is for you is a subjective decision. We should all feel okay to make that decision for ourselves and in doing so we'll be exercising real parenting skills... like deciding what's appropriate for your child based on who you are and who they are.
Josh, I agree that the context and tone used with "swear words" (or without them, for that matter) is paramount. I have taught my own kids that such words can actually be used very tenderly: for example, if a good friend lost their job, saying "oh man...that's really f**ked up". I've told them that there is no prescription against the use of those words per se, although they would be in trouble if I heard them saying "f**k you". For that matter, though, they would also be in trouble for saying "I hate you" or "you're ugly".
All that said, though, the F word in question IS used here in a "hateful or aggressive way", which is what bothers me. Maybe some of the people who have a problem with the book are simply concerned about associating profanity with children; but I sense that's not the main concern for most on this thread.
Agreed.
I think everyone is taking this book far to seriously. As a parent I found it refreshing to read something I could easily relate to. I realised that I am not alone. That the thoughts that intruded my head were in fact quite normal. That others feel like this to when they can't get their kids to sleep. I think it is a healthy way of expressing ones feelings and as parents we need to quit hiding behind the Perfect Parent image and realise it is hard, it is a job that will put us on a rollercoaster of emotions and it should be the one area that we support each other instead of critising and judging each other. I'm so over people saying your not a good parent if you do this or say that. We are only human! Would you perfer that we hold all our emotions inside only to be expressed in a more unhealthier way. This book is harmless fun to get tired, stressed out parents to laugh at themselves and see the lighter side of things.
I completely agree. I actually found solace in this book. We were having a tough time in our house. Our then 6 month old was a restless sleeper and was throwing late night parties. I was exhausted. My sleeplessness and his parties were all I could talk about. I shed many tears and felt extremely frustrated. I am a committed anti-CIO'er but this period of time had me seriously questioning my position on the issue. I read this book and had a great laugh and realized THIS TOO SHALL PASS. As parents, we're allowed to have a laugh at the hell of sleeplessness; after all, sleep deprivation is a form of torture! It felt good to laugh about it and to know I am not alone. And after that, I felt refreshed and went back to lovingly soothing my beautiful boy to sleep.
I completely agree with you, it's a way to deal with the frustration of just trying so hard to get a child to do what they should do. Just. Go. To. Sleep. We've all begged a cranky toddler at 2 am (internally) to please, PLEASE go to sleep. And I agree that while it is universally understood that parenting can be the most stressful, demanding, frustrating and sometimes thankless jobs out there, voicing those frustrations or making light of them makes you a bad parent for some reason. I think something that is being overlooked is that this is obviously not a book to read to your child at bedtime. And I honestly don't know how I feel about buying it, just because I can't think of any time I would want to read it, but it made me laugh, it reminded me that I'm not alone at 2 AM, there are other bleary eyed parents out there thinking "come on kid, you have to be tired, just go the fuck to sleep". It's not about dehumanizing their needs, it's recognizing that you have to tend to their needs and sometimes it sucks.
Apparently there is now a children's version of the book. Same book pretty much, but with the profanity removed. It isn't the profanity that would keep me from reading the book to my kids. http://www.amazon.com/Seriously-Just-Sleep-Adam-Mansbach/dp/1617750786
I agree with the above comments..... this book is for parents, not for kids. I too have had that inner dialogue when trying to get my kids to sleep..... so I naturally thought the book was hilarious! But yeah, not to be read to kids......
The book's even more hilarious when you have a glass of wine to go with it.
Hmmm... Very interesting. Another perspective that doesn't seem to be mentioned here. I did cosleep, and coslept late with the kids (they only got their own beds at 6), and when they got their own rooms, we would lie in with them, pretty much until they fell asleep. I completely identified with this - because I honestly got the impression of a parent trying hard to meet the child's needs WHILE feeling the pressure of obligations to a spouse. I have certainly been on the receiving end of my husband falling asleep with the kids as I am waiting to watch a movie... just as he has been on the receiving end of me doing this. This book for me is very much about expressing exasperation at the situation and not at the child. If anything, this book for me DRIVES HOME just how much you cannot control the sleep of another person. I actually felt like this was a book that CIO people wouldn't really "get" because children of that age are simply expected to remain in their rooms and have no further contact with parents past bedtime... It is really interesting to view the reactions of my friends to this book - my friend who very much sleep trains using CIO pretty extremely had the reaction that the parent gets what they deserve, exasperation and frustration for interacting with their child like this period. One story kiddo, and then you had better stay in bed. Every parent who had ever used any sort of co-sleeping was chuckling away and identifying with the moments expressed in the book.
Maybe some of your issue is that cosleeping/gentle parenting still is not *acceptable* in our society, so expressing exasperation in the particularly frustrating moments seems to detract from the "movement"? I don't know. But I did find that the parent's actual interaction with the child was very positive, even though there was clearly an internal struggle. Personally, I have felt that internal struggle. Even on days when sleep was relatively quick - it was there because I had overscheduled myself... and I was trying too hard to meet all obligations. Anyway - I certainly identified with the trying hard to watch a movie with your spouse while waiting for the child to sleep. Parents who do not meet the needs of kids do not put off movies until the child is sleeping... This whole book, to me, normalizes the ups and downs (in this case, the frustrations) of being a responsive parent - as everything about his reactions speaks to what the child is doing as NORMAL. That is what I really liked about the book...