Is shame a barrier to social change?
Thursday, September 15, 2011 I've had a lot of interesting conversations over the past few days about shame, guilt, and social change. Without going into excruciating detail, I heard a lot of people say that calls for formula marketing to be restricted makes formula feeding moms feel shamed because if formula marketing needs to be restricted, then that means that formula is bad, which means that formula feeding moms are doing something wrong.
Some people believe that if you feel shame or guilt that it is your own fault because no one can make you feel guilty except you. While I do think a lot of guilt comes from within, I also know that societal norms and expectations are contributors to feelings of guilt and shame.
We want the world to change. We need the world to change. That means, sometimes, criticizing the way that things are done now and advocating for a better way of doing them. Is that possible though, without making people feel guilt and shame?
- If we advocate for more support for breastfeeding mothers, does that equate to shaming every mother who used formula?
- If we advocate for more midwives and other conditions that will increase the natural birth rate, does that equate to shaming every mother who had a c-section?
- If we advocate for easier and more affordable access to healthy foods, does that equate to shaming every person who ever indulges in junk food or fast food?
- If we advocate for improved public transportation, does that equate to shaming people who drive their cars to work?
- If we say that chocolate bars should not be available for purchase in schools, does that amount to shaming every parent who every put a piece of chocolate in their child's lunch?
- If we advocate for an end to wars, does that equate to shaming everyone who has ever served in the armed forces?
- If we advocate for better treatment of animals, does that equate to shaming everyone who ever ate factory farmed meat?
- If we advocate for improved educational opportunities, does that equate to shaming everyone who didn't graduate from high school?
- If we advocate for better maternity leave, does that equate to judging every woman who went back to work?
- If we advocate for better prevention of teen pregnancy, does that equate to shaming everyone who did get pregnant as a teenager?
We live in an imperfect world. We all make choices, on a daily basis, with imperfect information and in imperfect conditions. Every single day, I make choices that I wish I didn't have to make. Every single day, I try to make better choices. It is a balancing act between progress and reality. No one is perfect. No one should be expected to be perfect. No one needs to feel guilt or shame for being imperfect.
Ultimately, at the end of a conversation that I was finding very frustrating, one in which I raised many of the examples that I listed above, I concluded:
Because, really, any time we argue for better societal conditions, it means that we are saying HOW MUCH WE ALL SUCK. Let's judge ourselves.
Is that really the world we want to live in? One where we are afraid to advocate for change because it makes us feel guilt and shame?
Ultimately, on the breastfeeding issue, I think the problem at the moment is that there is too much pressure to breastfeed and not enough support for breastfeeding. Moms are told that they must breastfeed. More than 90% of moms in Canada initiate breastfeeding (either because they wanted to or because they felt forced into it). But most of them do not meet their own breastfeeding goals. I think there are enough messages out there telling moms how important it is to breastfeed. Perhaps even too many. However, there is too little real breastfeeding support. Women who want to breastfeed are still undermined every day by the many societal barriers to breastfeeding or the "booby traps".
But how do we get there? How do we get to a place where we can ask the world to change without making the people who live in that world feel shame?
Image credit: ToastyKen on flickr
Reader Comments (164)
There are studies that show the longer time in non-maternal care prior to age 4.5 the worse social skills...who are you kidding, seriously? These studies that show benefit are typically in a subset of kids that are in poverty/disadvantaged or with "iffy" parents to begin. Of course, if mama is going to feed you formula, smoke and watch TV all day and she has boyfriends in and out, no access to books, etc. maybe daycare would be better, but for middle class or even lower financial status moms who are not mentally ill or reprobate, the babies most certainly do better with the individualized attention and round-the-clock care of mom. Keep fooling yourself, I don't care. My kid's been with me. I am done here. Most of today's liberal women willfully ignore the truth, that, if only they would be honest with themselves, they would know inherently. Babies belong with their mothers. Period.
MrsRochester: in my experience when people attack someone else for the choices they make its typically for two reasons...they are dualistic in their thinking or they feel insecure. Your entire thread of comments is classic "mommy wars" rhetoric...its overplayed and harmful to all women.
Dudes. When did this get to be a thread on childcare? Number 1: MrsRochester does not have to agree with it and is not nuanced enough in her worldview to consider studies or reports that contradict her viewpoint. Fortunately, she is neither an elected official nor my mother-in-law. :) Number 2. The most compelling studies I have seen indicate that any decent child care is fine so long as the home life is good. If you have bad child care AND a bad home life, children DO suffer. But the majority of children in child care are doing just fine, thankyouverymuch. Number 3. Instead of trying to change someone's mind who will not allow you to do so, put your money and energy towards something that CAN affect a positive change, like MomsRising, writing and calling your representatives whenever programs that support working families are on the chopping block, giving your own employees (male AND female) paid family leave, and raising your kids in such a way that they will also work to create the world you want them (and their kids) to live in.
I think the pro-daycare feminist agenda is harmful to all PEOPLE.
Well said! Awesome message.
Breastfeeding is slightly different from healthy eating/using more public transport etc because it is hard to re-lactate once you stop. So even if you know the 'right' thing to do, and regret stopping, you can't really do much about it, whereas with most other things you can resolve to do 'better' in future.
I agree with your post, I'm just thinking about why breastfeeding in particular invokes such a lot of shame and guilt.
i had a c-section and we formula fed and i am not ashamed. while i wish i could have had a vaginal birth and it would have been great if we could have breastfed, there are perfectly valid reasons why it didn't work out for us. i think a lot of mothers have expectations for their births and breastfeeding and when it doesn't work out the way they planned they feel horribly guilty, but you cannot plan these things, your body either does it or it doesn't. that's why i decided there was no point in allowing myself to feel guilty about it.
"I think the problem at the moment is that there is too much pressure to breastfeed and not enough support for breastfeeding."
I agree, completely. Lack of support is a huge, huge issue. Unfortunately, it is much easier (and cheaper) to tell someone what they should do, than to actually help them do it. And so, with strapped healthcare systems we opt for telling but not helping. Although it's cheaper in the long run to create truly supportive systems and engage in preventive health care, in the short term that's not the case.
I personally believe that the answer is to suck it up and put our money where our mouth is. We need better access to trained and accredited lactation consultants at all stages of breastfeeding. We need to ensure that our health care practitioners have up-to-date information, and have the resources to provide actual support. Yes, it will cost money now, but in the end it will save money. Let's invest in really helping people, rather than sermonizing.
...just catching up to this now....
I absolutely agree, that supplementation is unavoidable sometimes.....however, I often hear moms being told that they weren't allowed to continue to breastfeed anymore, and they had to stop b/c of low weight gain, etc...and I remind moms that they can breastfeed their babies throughout the day or evening if they wish too, and that breastfeeding is not simply about eating, it's also about comfort and security, and if mom really wants to breastfeed, they can, to some capacity, one way or another, that they may be able to breastfeed their baby for at least one or more feeding throughout the day, it may not need to be an all or nothing situation.
I had a terrible time breastfeeding my 5th baby during her first months. Despite having successfully breastfeeding my 4 older daughters for 1+ years each, my slow-to-gain baby girl challenged everything I thought I knew. Had I not already breastfed my older daughters, I doubt I would have fought so hard to make it work, luckily I am blessed with a fabulously supportive DH, and everytime I was tempted to throw in the towel, he begged me to reconsider, certain I would regret it.....I did everything I knew to do....I went to a breastfeeding clinic everyday it was open for help, advice and weighins, I emailed Dr. Newman often, I consulted with an IBCLC several times, I took DD to a chiro for adjustments, I made an appt to ensure she didn't have a tongue tie, and at one point I was taking 52 supplements a day to increase my supply and I ate oatmeal around the clock...and still I needed to supplement, and when I did, I wasn't too proud to accept some donor milk from an ex-girlfriend of DH's, who responded to my post on a Eats on Feets Facebook page, asking for donors. I have no doubt that a mother new to breastfeeding would be tempted to use that free can of formula in the cupboard. (the good news is that we didn't need to supplement long term, and at 15.5 mos, DD is still breastfeeding....the longest I've breastfed any of my daughters...although she's always been low on the growth charts, but was otherwise healthy in every way)
If a mama chooses to use formula either full time or to supplement, that is their choice, but my concern is what information was given to them that made them decide to do so...and who gave them that information....
[...] I believe that all women should be able to choose how to feed their babies and deserve to be supported in that choice. As I've said before, there is too much pressure to breastfeed and not enough support to do so. [...]
I love the subtlety and wisdom in your analysis here, Aurora!
[...] said before, and I’ll say again, that there is too much pressure to breastfeed and not enough support for [...]
Your post raises many interesting issues. For the sake of time and focus, I'll comment on only three:
Are Advocates Sure They Are Not Expressing Personal Judgement:
In some cases, the feeling of shame or of feeling judged certainly might be misplaced. But in many cases, advocates choose words or a tone of voice (intentionally or not) that clearly equate to judgement. In my case, I don't actually mind being judged on certain things (that's life), but it is really difficult to hear judgement on my parenting choices because these have been so carefully considered and my love for my children is so fierce.
Non-Supporters are Not Necessarily Feeling Shame:
In your concluding paragraph, you raise the issue of breastfeeding. I believe that I am a supporter for breastfeeding. However, you might not classify me as one because I don't see anything wrong with formula companies being allowed to advertise their products (one of the "Booby Traps" you refer to). But just because I don't agree with you, doesn't mean I feel any shame about my parenting choices with regards to feeding.
You Ask: How Do We Get There?
I really think that if advocates want to make societal change (i.e. not just preach to the choir ), then they need to focus on how they are communicating. It's an age-old problem ... the speaker doesn't understand why nobody is "getting" their message. The blame is put on the audience, rather than looking at what and how they are speaking/communicating.
@Coffee With Julie:
Those are good points. On the issue of non-supporters not necessarily feeling shame, I completely agree. Not everyone feels shame. I'm perfectly fine with someone (like you) saying "I don't see anything wrong with formula companies advertising their products". I disagree and I'd be happy to have a discussion with you (or not, as you prefer). But a lot of people react to the suggestion of banning formula ads with "How dare you judge formula feeding moms. Don't you know that some people can't breastfeed? What are they supposed to do? Just let their babies die? Not everyone finds breastfeeding easy like you."
I don't object to a conversation about the pros and cons of different proposals for social change. I just object to the cries of "you're shaming me by suggesting that change".