Wednesday
Sep212011
Trials and Tribulations of Toddlers
Wednesday, September 21, 2011 
In my reader survey, I found out how many of you have toddlers and I got tired just thinking about it.As cute as they are, I know it can be a challenging time -- sleep issues, temper tantrums, zero impulse control. They certainly keep parents on their toes and probably make them question their sanity on a regular basis.
I want to do something for all of the parents of toddlers out there reading my blog. I have a project in mind, but I need your help. Tell me about the biggest challenges you are facing right now. What do you find frustrating, tiring, and downright difficult?
Share your stories!
Reader Comments (123)
the impulse control, oh the impulse control. to scream when he wants attention, to hit his baby brother when he wants attention, to seek any kind of attention. I have two toddlers, Annie. One is almost two and a half, the other is just 16 months, and both are nuts (and mostly awesome). I think I may just hibernate for two to three years.
The whining. Everything comes out as a whine now. And no matter how many times I tell him to use a nice voice, the next thing still starts with a whine.
I hope it ends before he goes to college. ;)
I've been wondering some things about toddlers lately. I am an Attachment Parent. I believe that babies can't and don't manipulate us. However, we all know that humans can manipulate each other to get what they want. At what point in their development does a person learn that skill? I've seen children manipulate...can toddlers? Or is anything that seems like manipulation simply a cry for a need that's not being met? I'm partially wondering about my own child, but also about a friend's almost 2 year old who is giving her a REALLY hard time.
Oh yes the whine!!!! I thought it might be a mirror of my husband and my own voices. So we're monitoring. But the whining puts me in a foul mood, every time!
And also, the need to be with me all the time!!! I hope she would grow independent, and learn to take out her toys to play on her own. So that I can have some quiet time. I am stealing my chores time (yes I'm lazy) to have some quiet time. And thanks to leapfrog.
Because my girl is still breastfeeding, she has the tendency to wake up after 1/2 hour during nap. I wish she could nap fully without waking up. We're talking a good 1.5 hours.
Getting my 2 1/2 year old dressed and out the door in a timely fashion. Leaving the park or a friend's house (or any place/activity she perceives as super-fun) without a huge tantrum.
Screaming. Illogical, unpredictable, uncontrollable screaming.
We think our middle child has some kind of behavioural (?) disorder. I'm worried that if we take him to see a doctor/paediatrician, that we'll just get told that it's 'normal toddler behaviour' and just to 'try different techniques'. He's got a Jekyll and Hyde type of temperament. If it is 'normal' then clearly it's our crappy parenting that's doing it.
Our youngest has ulcers on his gums from teething and is really cranky. I'd never heard of teething producing gum ulcers.
I assume that just like most parents, we struggling to feel like we're capable and 'on top' of everything.
Theresa:
I think there is a middle ground. I don't think that toddlers are purposely trying to manipulate, but I do think that they are selfish by nature. In a lot of cases, what seems like manipulation may be a need that is not being met, but in other cases I think it can simply be their inability to see the world through anyone's eyes but their own.
Our triplets will be 3 in November, but we do have some significant milestone delays with 2 of them, and some minor delays with the 3rd. Since we have 3 toddlers in the house at the same age, our biggest struggle is providing enough 1 on 1 time for each. We also struggle with the freedom/safety issue. Sometimes containment is a great thing when you have 3 littles, but it can also keep them from having enough exploration for growth and development. For us, it's all about logistics, time, energy and frustration levels (for every member of the family).
We just took down our largest baby gate which allows them to run much more freely throughout the house. My most recent post on my own blog was about how more room to grow can really help with development. Right now the real struggle is the constant climbing by one triplet - she will scale anything & everything - dining table, changing table, anywhere she can find something that looks like a step. The next challenge is potty training... we have 1 really ready and the other 2, well, I'm still trying to get consistent communication with them, so... thinking we wait a few more weeks before heading into that minefield.
Ill second what others have said-
the seemingly random days when the whining is constant, even as I try everything I can think of that she may need.
at 21 months, she is still very reluctant to jump into group activities or even walk away from me at parties, classes, museums etc. I though that if you build a secure attachment with your child they will be more confident to explore and interact with the world?
I guess its impulse control- I dont understand why she hits, throws things, pulls dog ears/hair. It seems like she knows what she's doing, she's certainly never had any of those things done to her, and in other ways I feel that she is developing some understanding of other people's/animals feelings. Why does she persist when I tell her something hurts and how can I explain it better?
Thanks for addressing this topic Annie!
That's a great point. I seem to remember from Psych class that the ability to see the world through other people's eyes takes until kids are in late Elementary school!
I'm SO concerned about my friend. Her toddler is SO demanding that she is literally wasting away. This child will not allow her to eat, sleep, use the washroom, etc, etc. I'm baffled that a child under 2 seems to have already learned how to control her mother! Any attempt the mother makes at creating boundaries produces inconsolable screaming and crying from the toddler, and she's too emotionally drained to deal with it. Toddlers can be extremely difficult little people, that's for sure!
I have a toddler! I guess he's actually getting more preschoolerish (at 3), but we don't send our kids to preschool til they are 4 so I still think of my 3s as toddlers. I also have a six month old. (I also have a 7 and 8 year old, too). The two youngest tag team me at night. Woah, nelly. The six month old is-WAS- a miracle sleeper: slept 10-12 hours straight every night starting at 4 weeks old (!!). My 3 year old wakes up in the wee hours and his noise wakes the baby (we cosleep with the baby). Then the baby will nurse while the 3 year old whines, and then the baby lies there and yells while the three year old nurses. Then the 3 year old will fall asleep and the baby will continue yelling for an hour or so (not crying, but making loud WAKE UP AND PLAY noises) and then fall asleep again. OMFG.
So I started a new rule for the 3 year old that he has to stay in his bed til morning, then he can nurse. But of course he doesn't really know when that is....so now he comes in, makes noise, and has a fit while I or my husband take him back to his bed and lie with him, give him water, and cajole him back to sleep without nursing, and the noise wakes the baby...
HOLY CRAP. Even with four kids I still feel like I'm reinventing the wheel some days!!
Thanks for asking, I think I needed to get all that out there. Vent a bit.
=)
This, too, shall pass.
this is one the things that I too want to know. Why do they hit and throw things? but my little one is just 13 months old, so i dont know if I should worry about it just yet.
Biggest issue with my 2 year old is picky eating. I know I'm supposed to give her what we're eating and let her go to bed hungry if she won't eat it, but it's physically impossible for me to do that. I know I'm probably giving her eating issues for life - I'm just not the tough love type.
I definitely think we need a different word for what little ones do, cause manipulation implies an intent to get someone to do something that has a negative effect on the person manipulated. Babies and children are trying to get us to fulfil their wants/needs and they need to succeed in doing that enough of the time so that they gain positive self esteem and feel they can have an effect on their world. That quite different from the cynical manipulation older people carry out without caring about its effect on the other person.
Hey Melissa, that's all pretty full on! you're amazing managing 4! For the 3 year old, they have these clocks that tell preschoolers when it's morning. You can set what time that is for you. Music comes on or something. Have you considered one of those?
No, I'm with you Alix; there's no way I can send a kid to bed hungry. That feels like unnecessary torture for a small kid, and unnecessary torture for me as their parent! I think it's the other way around: too much control/tough love with regards to food could (*could*, not would) contribute to 'eating issues for life,' but feeding them when they are hungry? That's better for encouraging a healthy relationship with food, I think.
Really?! I love that! Do you know where I could find this clock? I like the idea of encouraging some autonomy and self regulation but in a gentle way that could seem appealing and fun to my three year old...
My son will not take no for an answer, but it's his favorite when responding to me.
Please, please, please deal with the picky eating. I rarely comment because I don't have children (although obviously I find parenting issues interesting, which makes me kinda weird, I guess), but I was a very picky eater and it was so, so awful to have food I hated shoved at me without any alternative. Be patient, I grew out of many of my food dislikes and when I got older, I learned to make myself food if I didn't like what everyone was having. And please, don't let other adults comment on her food likes or dislikes. I still have trouble eating at other people's houses because of rude comments I would get if I didn't like some of their food.
We never used a special clock - we just put a nightlight on a timer, so that it went on in the morning. He used to come running into our room yelling "the light! the light!" once it went on.
My son is sixteen months and I'm interested in hearing about activities to do at home with that age group. My problem is that he never really plays at home - he just runs around the house pulling stuff off shelves and out of drawers... he has no interest in toys or books.
Also, manners for one-year-olds? The food throwing is driving me crazy!
So much! My two big toddler thorns are throwing food on the floor at dinner time (looks at me, waits for a 'no' and then with urpose and defiance dumps her bowl), and hitting. Any time she's angry, my daughter hits. And I have no idea where she picked up this litle gem - she's never seen hitting or been hit by an adult or kid for that matter. She doesn't respond at all to 'no hitting' or 'gentle please' or 'hands are not for hitting'. So, my response is to ignore it and walk away. Donno if that is helpful or not. But it's all I've got
You may have dealt with this before but I'd love your take on weaning. My first weaned herself but my 17mo is being so difficult to feed (constant biting and wriggling) that I'm thinking of weaning soon. I don't think he'll ever wean himself.
She keeps hitting me! Whenever she's even a little bit frustrated or angry or sad, she'll just come up to me and hit. Time out's are not working...this is a great post idea!
The non-stop, dangerous, ever curious activity level. My boy is on the go ALWAYS, climbing, pulling, throwing, tasting everything. I know this is normal for a toddler but some commiseration would be nice :)
Also- sleep, and eating. He throws his food a lot ;)
On my plate right now: still having sleep issues (random good nights, but most nights include waking every few hours); still wants to breastfeed ALL the time; tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants; picky eater (hard to get veggies into this kiddo); clings to my leg--literally--when I'm trying to get some things done around the house. But other than those few issues, which most days don't even really bother me that much, he's so much fun! I am mostly enjoying age 2!
My son turned 2 in August, and I'm pretty sure if he had it his way, he'd nurse til college.
Sarah - I will commiserate big time! My Angel triplet... always moving, actually does headstands in her crib to put herself to sleep, always climbing, pulling, grabbing everything, and always something going in the mouth. I think sometimes I'm raising a mountain goat.
I am in the whining stage here too, 21 months and counting. Mostly though I (for now) have a very easy toddler. However, the only issue I have is hair pulling. She finds comfort running her fingers through my hair and does not realise she is pulling it. She does this when she wakes up throughout the night. I frequently wake up with headaches and am now feeling sleep deprived and a bit resentful. I have tried explaining over and over again how it hurts mommy, but to no avail. I literally have to remove her hand from my hair hundreds of times per night. I sleep with my hair up and so she grabs the tiniest of strands. Ouch! Any other suggestions would be awesome. I am starting to dislike co sleeping because of it.
I second this. My 16 month old is similar, though he will play with his toys and sit and flip through books on his own at some point every day. But then he becomes a tornado, just spinning through the house and whipping those books and toys around with glee.
And I need help figuring out how to get him to understand what he's seriously not supposed to do. In the end, I guess I don't care if he throws clothes and empties drawers... but I don't want him in the garbage can or throwing things AT our dogs' heads.
I am really looking forward to this! My issues are: 1) Tantrums/explosions of crying, when maybe he's trying to communicate, but I don't know what he wants, it doesn't seem that he knows what he wants, and I can't figure out what to do, the only thing that calms him down is nursing. I don't mind nursing him (and I'm so grateful that we have that tool) but I wish I knew how to prevent the tantrum, rather than just react to it. 2) Sleep issues... he never wants to go to sleep, and at 21 months, very often wakes up 1-2 times a night to nurse. 3) Potty training/learning. Nuff said. 4) Discipline. If at all? Any general advice, also how to deal with points of difference between me, my husband's, and grandparents' ideas about discipline. Thank you so much!
I can relate! For me, the recent struggle is getting my 1 1/2 year old to get dressed at all. She wants to be naked *all* the time. Ending activities before she is ready is awful, awful, too.
Mine is 2.5 years old. Throwing things or clearing off tables when she's mad is a big frustration. Also her need to do everything herself. I try to be so patient with this, but where it becomes a problems is when she is simply not big/old enough to do something and she has a tantrum when I won't let her or I do something simple because I'm right there like turning of the light. She will whine and eventually tantrum if I don't turn the light back on and then pick her up so she can do it. That's a small example, but a bigger one is her daddy carrying her across the parking lot (because she doesn't want to hold hands) and when he put her down she was so insistent on doing it herself she tried to run back across the lot to the car so she could walk to the store from the beginning. I'm starting to wonder if we have a perfectionist in the making.
I just have a school age and a nearly-but-not-quite-out-of-toddlerhood kid, and I am SO ready to be done with toddlerhood. My first was relatively a breeze- she never went through a "no" phase and didn't argue for the sake of arguing, as her brother now does. My biggest challenges with her were 1) 4p-6p every day, post nap/pre-dinner. She would often cry the entire time. Often for now reason. Whether I held her or not. And 2) having another baby caused her to regress a little emotionally so she started throwing more fits than normal.
Now I could probably write a book about the challenges I have with my son. It starts in the morning, when he wants chips or something else completely inappropriate to eat while I fix breakfast. I say no (but I don't even say no, I say "you can eat breakfast, then we'll have a snack later), he freaks out, he refuses to eat breakfast. Then, because he has refused to eat, he is cranky. Then he asks for fruit, which I let him have. He takes two bites of his apple and decides he wants something else. I say he can have something else when he has finished his apple. He freaks out again. Then when I am in the middle of something he starts jumping off the couch or screeching like a howler monkey for no reason (particularly if I am on the phone with someone important, like the bank or something). Then it's lunch time, and he only wants macaroni and cheese, which I refuse to make him more than once a week. So he refuses to eat lunch. The food thing is the most frustrating- it's a battle, and I swore I would never battle my kids about food. I still try really hard not to- I'm very much "this is what you get or you get nothing" about meals, and they have to wait a set amount of time post meal before having a snack (other than fruit post-breakfast). But he actively pursues the issue and draws me in. And I give the boy TONS of attention- far more than I ever gave his sister, but he still goes completely out of his way to get it in every moment that he doesn't have it, no matter what he has to do. And the random and seemingly pointless blood curdling screeches that come out of his mouth- they are the worst. And some days he is just so cranky that he starts throwing a fit about something that is a non-issue normally, like his shoes. I love my son, and I really love this age, particularly when they're in that transition from toddler to preschooler (3ish), which he is just starting. But lately I've found myself counting down to when he starts Kindergarden. I do think there are things that help outside of typical parenting advice and being patient and consistent- I was taking him to a chiropractor for a while (had to stop because of our budget, sadly) and that really seemed to help, particularly with his sleeping at night, which would in turn make him a happier person during the day. I also think that diet is super important to controlling the behavior of ALL kids, but particularly kids this age. But even with those things considered, this age is a challenge.
He's actually not too bad, but yes, whining, *never* wanting to eat his tea unless it's pizza (though he eats brilliantly at nursery), oh and brushing his teeth. Four out of five times there'll be some kind of screaming match involved in that.
Sometimes I think my biggest challenge isn't with my child's (3-1/2 years old) development, but rather with my own! My son is a pretty typical preschooler, so over the last couple of years we've dealt or are dealing with the usual: whining, difficulty sharing, mild aggression (hitting), picky eating, difficulty amusing himself, sleep quirks, trying to set boundaries with extended breastfeeding, etc. However, more often than not, I find that when I take a deep breath and assess things honestly I realize that he's (usually) behaving pretty normally for a child his age, and what's needed is for me to become a bit more patient, playful, empathetic, generous, creative, or even calmly assertive when it's time to take care of my needs. In other words, I need to develop the same traits I want him to have, although I suppose at a "graduate" level. And that's HARD!! Sometimes it's tempting to just leave myself as I am and turn to assorted "training" methods. I think we're both trying to grow up :-)
I do know the answer to this one- kids this age are a lot like little scientists, in the fact they are constantly thinking (consciously or not) "what's going to happen if I do _____?" They don't think any farther than that, like we do- they don't think "if I hit the dog it might hurt her, if I throw this block it could break something." They are simply thinking it might be fun, or that it might be interesting. If you look at it that way and address this need to experiment it makes approaching the hitting/pulling/biting/pushing easier to handle. It helps to say things like "it hurts when you hit the dog" because it helps the understand the effect of their action. And when they're MAD and hitting, etc, that's another thing. They loose what little ability they have to reason and control their actions and are simply acting out their frustrations. In those cases it helps to give them appropriate ways to act. For example, my son knows that it is perfectly appropriate to stomp when he is angry (on the floor- not on top of something/someone). So most of the time that's what he does.
Brandi - i have found with dd1 that if her blood sugar drops, she doesn't want to eat (or she does, but not whatever she gets, she will ask for something, get it, then cry). whats helped us is giving her a spoonful of peanut butter (if allergies are a concern any nut butter or sunbutter will work just as well) - i wonder if, when you get him up, before he has a chance to ask for anything, you were to give him something like that, if he would do better? after doing this for a few weeks, dd1 now will go to the cupboard and get the pb out if she needs it (and yes, the first few times we did have to insist on her eating it, but it helped soo much!)
((hugs))
Let's see...
She's stubborn (don't know where that came from, I swear) so we've started giving her choices, as in 'do you want to wear these pajamas or these ones?' so that she'll do what we actually want her to do - go to bed.
She's developing stalling tactics. It's really quite fascinating. She knows that if she asks for the potty we'll take her and she can delay whatever else for a period.
She's rough. She doesn't understand her own strength and when you combine that with the selfishness of toddlerhood it can be hard. She's pushed kids at daycare and she throws things at us and at the dog. It doesn't help that she's big for her age.
She's very demanding. She'll tell us to sit in a certain chair or stand up or dance with her and she'll just keep increasing the volume and I'm not sure how to deal with that.
The mess. Oh, the mess my 3 y.o. leaves in his wake. My mom calls him Pigpen & the name is well-deserved. Every park outing, he comes back home smeared with dirt like a commando. At home, he can wreck an entire room in <15 minutes. In the last three months he is slowly learning to pick up after himself, but the mess drives me husband CRAZY. And as he gets taller, he can reach more shelves = more stuff to pull down onto the floor.
I think this kid has a future in demolition.
Check out "Your Child At Play: 1-2 years" It was super helpful for me and explains why toys loose their luster (temporarily) at this age.
For the manners thing- I am a tough love mommy when it comes to food and manners. If you throw food, you leave the table (one warning). And you don't get more food until snack time. If you don't like what we're having, I don't care if you eat it or not, but don't sit at the table and whine (they aren't forced to sit and they aren't forced to eat anything, but they get what they get, the end) and there will be no more food until snack time. I deal with all the manners that way- if they don't say please but are otherwise asking nicely I remind them to say please, but if they are whining I don't hear them.
My 18 month old still wants to nurse at night and I can't get her to sleep alone. To be honest I don't mind her bed sharing but the need to nurse during the night is killing me. Any help with that would be lovely!
On any given day I can have one to four toddlers at home. I struggle with knowing how much to teach sharing - some toys are theirs alone, and I too have my own 'toys' I rarely share.
And oh, can I ever commiserate with the whining!
That's a good idea- part of the problem is that he often gets up before me (I'm okay with that part...). So I've toyed with the idea of setting a little snack out the night before to get his blood sugar up right away. Peanut butter is a good idea, but may not work. We don't have any allergies, but it is one of the only foods he doesn't like. Which is weird, because my older, who is super picky, LOVES peanut butter, but my DS, who will eat just about anything (seriously, the opposite of picky) doesn't like two of the 5 things she will eat- milk and peanut butter. But something similar like cinnamon roasted nuts or dried fruit or something like that may do the trick and keep him from being such a super crank in the morning!
Perhaps it's my authoritarian side (I have both authoritarian parenting tendencies and AP tendencies, so I get confused sometimes, LOL) but the demanding stuff does NOT fly in my house. Both of my kids tried it and learned really fast that it was not in their best interest to act that way. They have learned that they 1) need to ask me nicely, and 2) even then I'm not always going to do what they want, depending on the circumstances. The same way that I respect their wishes when I ask them to do something non-required and the say no, they need to learn to respect me when I say no. The only thing you're teaching kids by listening to their demands is that bossy behavior and gradually getting louder in the demands will result in her getting what she wants. Ignoring and goes a long way.
I truly love the toddler stage; that age from about 18 mos to about 3 is my favourite (and I've experienced all the way too teenagers now). They are delightful, fun, still full of baby innocence yet able to interact, pretend, play, amuse themselves, and do a few things independently. I love watching them master new tasks, feed themselves, get their shoes on and clap and cheer and squeal with delight. They love to do anything, everything is fun. Sticking stickers on a piece of paper, fun. Helping (use that term loosely) with household chores, fun. Going grocery shopping, fun. Everything is fun. We're getting our shoes on? YAY! Who cares where we're going, it's fun!
I guess I'm in the minority, but I would just love to freeze my kids at this age some times. Every stage is rewarding as a parent, but it already makes me sad to think about my youngest leaving the toddler stage. I find it, in many ways, the easiest.
I'm blessed with an amazing little boy who has yet to get into the real defiant stage of toddlerhood. He is 21 months, and our biggest challenge at the moment is the frantic, non-stop energy. He runs everywhere instead of walking and shouts instead of talking. I'm not complaining because I know it's normal and I could probably find better ways of tiring him out. The only time it's really a problem is when bedtime or naptime roll around. He gets so wound up that it can be really difficult to get him calmed down and ready for sleep. Fortunately we are still nursing, but sometimes he only sits still to nurse for a few minutes and is up again bouncing off the walls. He also can only burp when he is calm, so often after nursing it takes a long time for him to release some gas that is bothering him. It seems the gas makes him extra-excitable when he is uncomfortable and prevents him from calming down, so it makes for a bit of a downward spiral some nights. I mostly lurk here, but I love your blog! Thanks for everything you do.
I breastfeed to 21 months, but when it was time to wean there was literally no helpful information out there on how to wean a toddler, or if I should wean my toddler or wait until she gave it up herself. I felt bad, like I was selfish for needing to wean, but we needed to wean to get her to sleep through the night so I could function and work. None of the mom's I'm friends with breastfed as long, so there was no helpful hints from my social circle. Sometimes I think I made a mistake, even though we we gentle and weaned with lots of hugs and cuddles. Mommy guilt is the worst.
I vote for help/discussion on when is it right to wean, and how to wean a toddler!
Oh I agree, there is so much to love about this age! I love the cuddles and kisses, the spontaneous little songs, the showing off new skills like counting and identifying colours. My favourite thing is how delighted he is at the world and all it's wonderful things, like weeds in the garden and fire hydrants. The challenges are definitely worth everything that comes with them!