Is shame a barrier to social change?
Thursday, September 15, 2011 I've had a lot of interesting conversations over the past few days about shame, guilt, and social change. Without going into excruciating detail, I heard a lot of people say that calls for formula marketing to be restricted makes formula feeding moms feel shamed because if formula marketing needs to be restricted, then that means that formula is bad, which means that formula feeding moms are doing something wrong.
Some people believe that if you feel shame or guilt that it is your own fault because no one can make you feel guilty except you. While I do think a lot of guilt comes from within, I also know that societal norms and expectations are contributors to feelings of guilt and shame.
We want the world to change. We need the world to change. That means, sometimes, criticizing the way that things are done now and advocating for a better way of doing them. Is that possible though, without making people feel guilt and shame?
- If we advocate for more support for breastfeeding mothers, does that equate to shaming every mother who used formula?
- If we advocate for more midwives and other conditions that will increase the natural birth rate, does that equate to shaming every mother who had a c-section?
- If we advocate for easier and more affordable access to healthy foods, does that equate to shaming every person who ever indulges in junk food or fast food?
- If we advocate for improved public transportation, does that equate to shaming people who drive their cars to work?
- If we say that chocolate bars should not be available for purchase in schools, does that amount to shaming every parent who every put a piece of chocolate in their child's lunch?
- If we advocate for an end to wars, does that equate to shaming everyone who has ever served in the armed forces?
- If we advocate for better treatment of animals, does that equate to shaming everyone who ever ate factory farmed meat?
- If we advocate for improved educational opportunities, does that equate to shaming everyone who didn't graduate from high school?
- If we advocate for better maternity leave, does that equate to judging every woman who went back to work?
- If we advocate for better prevention of teen pregnancy, does that equate to shaming everyone who did get pregnant as a teenager?
We live in an imperfect world. We all make choices, on a daily basis, with imperfect information and in imperfect conditions. Every single day, I make choices that I wish I didn't have to make. Every single day, I try to make better choices. It is a balancing act between progress and reality. No one is perfect. No one should be expected to be perfect. No one needs to feel guilt or shame for being imperfect.
Ultimately, at the end of a conversation that I was finding very frustrating, one in which I raised many of the examples that I listed above, I concluded:
Because, really, any time we argue for better societal conditions, it means that we are saying HOW MUCH WE ALL SUCK. Let's judge ourselves.
Is that really the world we want to live in? One where we are afraid to advocate for change because it makes us feel guilt and shame?
Ultimately, on the breastfeeding issue, I think the problem at the moment is that there is too much pressure to breastfeed and not enough support for breastfeeding. Moms are told that they must breastfeed. More than 90% of moms in Canada initiate breastfeeding (either because they wanted to or because they felt forced into it). But most of them do not meet their own breastfeeding goals. I think there are enough messages out there telling moms how important it is to breastfeed. Perhaps even too many. However, there is too little real breastfeeding support. Women who want to breastfeed are still undermined every day by the many societal barriers to breastfeeding or the "booby traps".
But how do we get there? How do we get to a place where we can ask the world to change without making the people who live in that world feel shame?
Image credit: ToastyKen on flickr
Reader Comments (164)
I am one of those people that has very strong beliefs about breastfeeding. I was 17 when I had my first child,13 years ago, my son was in NICU for a week and I went right back to high school the day I got out of the hospital to take finals to graduate. I pumped, with a manual pump every two hours on the hour (even in the middle of the night) to keep my milk supply up. I had no support for breastfeeding from anyone but I still did it because it didn't make sense to give my baby something fake. I went straight to college and my son went to daycare when I was at school and work. I made sure he was given no formula at all. He never had formula, I breastfed him over a year. I don't think we should care what moms that formula fed feeling are. They are the ones that made a bad decision they should deal with it. If I did it with a manual pump for over a year at 17 there really aren't any good excuses out there.
I also think this is a cultural/regional issue. Where I live I DEFINITELY see the pressure to breastfeed without support issue. I had twins born at 37 weeks, one of whom was hospitalized and unable to eat at the breast (so I was feeding one at the breast and pumping for the other who was ill and really needed the breastmilk). I was seen everyday by lactation consultants at the hospital who gave me sort of ambiguous advice (breastfeed whenever you can!) and it wasn't until I was discharged and saw a private (non-hospital) lactation consultant who really looked at my son, my situation and me that I had any success and by that point my son had lost lots of weight. If I hadn't found her, I'd have quit breastfeeding and something that turned out to be a wonderful experience for me and something that honestly saved me when our ill son passed away would never have occurred. It really made me wonder how many moms never receive that kind of support and information, not to mention how many couldn't afford to see someone who works in that capacity. It would have been devastating to me to stop breastfeeding (because I knew that this was what I was *supposed* to do), but I was at the end of my rope and if I hadn't lucked into that situation then I most certainly would have.
Then I have a friend still living in the small midwestern town where I grew up who posted online when she started weaning her daughter at 6 months. It really surprised me to see that she was weaning not because of any reason but because that's what seemed normal among her circle of friends. She also cited that she thought her daughter was teething as a reason to wean more quickly. I just thought it was really fascinating that I live in a place where many moms breastfeed through about 12 months (though obviously some longer) and in this particular place it was just normal to stop around 6 months, so I do wonder if there isn't some cultural/regional aspect to the too much pressure to breastfeed message.
Brit9brit's comment above is a perfect example of the shaming that was talked about in this post. I don't think breastfeeding is easy for any of us - but some women, I think, are able to overcome their difficulties and it makes them very, very dismissive of those who can't. It's sad.
brit9brit, are you aware that many women have difficulty letting down for a pump? I'm one of them. I have a top of the line automatic pump, pump three times a day, and I pumped 8 ounces today. This was a good day, too - yesterday I got two ounces. I have no problem feeding my daughter when she's with me, but my breasts just don't respond as well to the pump. My daughter gets formula sometimes in childcare because I want her to have a full stomach more than I want the approval of random strangers on the internet. Why can't you be proud of your achievement (as you should be) without bringing other women down? Why should we care about what formula feeding moms think? Because judgement, hatred and condemnation do nothing to help more women breastfeed.
i started off breast feeding my first, well tried to. in the hospital at midnight my first born crying b/c she is hungry, no one willing to show me how to latch her or help me at allmy nurse switches to this woman ( whoms face i will never forget) telling me " you better get that baby eating b/c i aint bringing you no bottle" 4 HOURS i faught trying to get my baby to latch with no help from the god forsaken nurse. she just gave me this look like" if you to stupid to know how to feed YO baby then you dont need to have any" ( yes i am throwing in the accent given by the nurse) come shift change, i had a fire so far up my toosh the next nurse walked into the room first thing i said to her " YOU GET ME A BOTTLE OF FORMULA OR I WILL RAISE HELL UPON THIS HOSPITAL!!! understand i was a very meek first time mom.. my baby scream the entire time that nurse was on dudty and she refused to get some formula but more importantly refused to help! i still have nightmares from then
Christina you have the wrong pump just because it is top of the line doesn't mean it is an awesome pump. I kept my pump from 13 years ago and now have a medela lactina that was like $700. My manual pump works better. I can even unclog a duct with my manual pump. It is just a ton of work. It is worth it. My manual pump is the one the hospital gave me it is also a medela but it is a spring pump. I don't even know if you can still buy them but they are awesome.
plus the next shift change my FB was given sugar water(?) without my permission. after that she had no interest in even trying to latch. with my second born i discovered my nips, where very big and when i let down the bottle fell out. it choked my second born many times but didnt realize that was the issue until after i ordered bigger flanges for my breast pump and during that time i dried up. but also both my babies had to be put on Nutramigen for severe colic which thier daddy also suffered from. niether one can have dairy at this time iether.
i wish this had a LIKE button!! :)
Others have already pointed out some of the things I don't see eye to eye with you, so I see no reason to rehash all that. But, I have to say, I do agree with what you say about personal responsibility as well as the coddling issue. There were several instances where I was given poor advice regarding breastfeeding from what should be reputable sources of information, such as pediatricians. However, I chose to not listen to it because I educated myself beforehand, and this is how I was able to recognize it as being poor advice. There are plenty of things I have read from a variety of sources regarding a variety of issues that are contrary to my own opinions or practices. For the most part, I accept that it is a difference of opinion, and move on with my life. I would never want or expect anyone to censor themselves for the sake of my feelings, because if I'm presented with something I don't like, for the most part, I have the option to remove myself from it.
Maybe you are trying to be helpful, but you are totally missing the point of my comment. When I talk about not letting down for the pump, I mean not letting down for ANY pump. It happens, and I know that this is not a personal inadequacy or failure of mine because of the women I've talked to who had identical experiences. Yes, I could go and spend hundreds more on every single type of pump sold at Babies R Us, or shell out $50 a month to rent a hospital grade pump (none of those options are covered by my student health insurance, by the way). If I opt not to do that because I simply don't have the resources to do so, am I not "trying my best" in your eyes and the eyes of those like you?
Thank God the women at my local LLL meeting were supportive, kind and made constructive suggestions for increasing my pumping output. And to think, I almost didn't go yesterday because I was frightened that they would judge me. I'm glad breastfeeding women in real life haven't judged me as harshly as those on the internet.
***Bottom not bottle
This is a fantastic post, and I think you are hitting on something really important. We all want to think that our decisions are made without the influence of marketing and after careful consideration and thought, but the fact is that marketing is pervasive and we can't escape the influence of cultural norms. The attempts to change those cultural norms (which is a gradual process to begin with, and made nearly impossible against a tide of marketing that profits from keeping them in place), leave the people who made those choices three options: 1) admit that they were influenced by marketing/cultural norms and would have made a different decision otherwise 2) re-examine their decision, decide it was the right one from the beginning, and defend their choice (hopefully constructively) or 3) take the attack as a personal one on their decision without considering whether it was well thought-out in the first place. The third one is the only one that doesn't require a commitment to both critical analysis and the vulnerability that comes along with the potential of being "wrong." It's especially hard to admit to that possibility when it comes to parenting, a lifelong endeavor that's often framed as a all-or-nothing battle. You're a good parent, or you aren't. You better be ready to fight for your decisions, no matter the larger, cultural consequences.
you're right. it's our fault that my husband and i have both been underemployed since the day we graduated college (my husband a certified teacher and i having a degree fitting for social work). we got pregnant after 2 years of trying for a much wanted child and then we realized that we couldn't afford a child so we moved in with my mother, went on government assistance while we lived with my mother for the first year of my child's life and i can't pay back my medical bills from having my child (all in collections) because i stayed home with him because after daycare i would only be bring home $200 a month. we now are in graduate school since we can't find good jobs and are still on government assistance, but now we get to take out another combined $40k in loans that we will have to pay back in addition to our undergraduate loans and start saving for some sort of retirement while we are in our early 30s. i really wish i would have had a job where i could have afforded daycare and been able to pay my bills. or, maybe a program allowed me to stay home for a year on some sort of pay. or more affordable daycare.
i want to clarify that i am just showing you that there is some gray area in life, that even though i did stay home with my son it was detrimental to our family. not everyone has the luxury to be able to "afford" children. if that were the case, no one in the US would be reproducing right now.
also, show me a study that daycare hurts a child. a legitimate study. i have never come across one.
I have found that whenever I mention a parenting technique that I am interested in applying myself, others who do not practice said technique immediately become defensive and critical as if my choice to do something differently from them means, not that I am making the correct choice for myself and that this may differ from the choice they made for themselves but, that I am somehow criticizes them for making what is now implied to be the wrong choice...because surely what is right for me is right for them and vice versa!!!
Rock on sister!
Agreed! Well said! *applause*
I just want to tell you that I see conversations like this and it gives me hope and inspiration. Women, families, individuals, we are indeed a powerful force to come together to affect a culture shift that seeks to empower us as human beings, to reach our biological potential.
You have my deepest thanks and appreciation for the work that you're doing with your blog. Thank you for stimulating this type of conversation and thank you to those participating. Keep igniting the passion! Your voice (collective "your", of course), your knowledge questioning and seeking, and sharing your perspective and what you know has as much affect for change as does those battling for families by legislative means.
Oh my Olivia! I advocate publicly here for you to do what you wish to do based on what comes from within your own personal heart! it is not so easy to do something that might be painful......or that causes conflict within...do what your heart wishes, what you want do , so you wont regret the what if later... good luck to you ...your expertise does not diminish another who may feel differently...there can be many ways to parent...
All I can think to say is good post. I dont have the answers, I am just a mental health counselor who works every day with individuals ...trying to help strengthen people one at a time in their own personal decision making skills....and I try to apply these same personal strengthening skills to myself....and some days I feel real okay abt myself and other days I I am more tired and think , woah, how could you have done that? how dopey! But I find that overall, I feel at peace with my parenting styles and my personal style...I always try to improve my way of relating to people. sometimes I am not so polite but overall I think i am okay. that is all I know how to say. we are different and we need to know how to live with our differences and be accepting of ourselves ad others.
MrsRochester:
I happen to believe that it takes a village to raise a child and when you put all of the responsibility on individual families, then that is when the system breaks down. Everyone needs a break and children benefit from being able to bond and develop relationships with people beyond their immediate family.
I do believe that parents should carefully consider which care options are best for their infant, whether that means that mom stays at home, that dad stays at home, that grandma helps out, that a nanny is hired, or that a day care is used. Ultimately, I think that a loving environment for the child is possible in all of those contexts (just as an unloving and cold one is possible in all of those contexts).
In our case, we opted for a combination of mom, dad and grandma for the first three years (more mom for the first few months, more dad as they were older) and then brought preschool into the mix.
The regional culture does vary considerably. Where I live now, there is far less progressive attitudes about breastfeeding, but possibly that is because where I came from, was a really progressive place.
I recall though, being shocked that someone would breastfeed a toddler, when I was in my late teens/early 20's, because I just had never heard of it, and it flew in the face of my assumptions. And then, after a struggle with no help at all from the doc (who wasn't my doc long after that!) who actually pushed formula feeding at me, and ignorant nurses who warned me against breastfeeding too often lest my breasts sag or nipples break down (!!!), I went on to nurse my children til 2 1/2 or so. Amazing how our perspectives can change when we are open to reassessing our dogmas and recognizing our own knee-jerk reactions for what they are.
But I don't see a shred of genuine support for breastfeeding in the culture around me, or much respect for the primacy and importance of the maternal-infant bond.
Then again, natural motherhood is the least profitable, for corporations selling things that are meant to replace the mother, or at least "supplement" her and make her think she is dependent on the products being marketed as basically, replacements for her natural mothering abilities.
"Wow, see how easy it is now, NOT to mother your baby?" is a totally creepy and off-putting metamessage I see in a lot of ads for things marketed at mothers. If you can insert your products into the supply line between mother and baby, AND convince the mother that she can't do it without your products and services, you've got it made. *vomit*
So, you say you are super big on not coddling people and all that. So I'm not gonna worry about shaming you excessively, and I'm going to be blunt.
The problem you are running up against is not a 'almost pathological tendency' to be hurt of oversensitive women. It's that you behave like a judgmental jerk.
You are also, for the record, egregiously misinformed scientifically when it comes to daycare.
If you raise your kids with these antisocial values, they are much MUCH worse off than anyone using formula or daycare. Take responsibility for yourself and your attitude, and go improve it.
You are so right to look at the underlying causes. For all the talking about lack of support, this is the first time I've read anything that talks about the root of the issue. I am attempting to induce lactation and my intuition tells me that it would be so much more difficult if I didn't have my husbands' financial, emotional, medical and physical support.
Excellent post. We had this discussion several months ago on Mothers of Change when we advocated banning formula ads, and created the No Formula Ads on Facebook group (on facebook). Several of our fans objected to the banning of infant formula advertising because it crossed the line from advocating for breastmilk for babies, to inducing guilt. This was a difficult balance to strike, and not one I'm sure we were able to strike at all, wanting to object to WHO Code violations but also support women. We're talking about breastfeeding this week on Mothers of Change, gearing up for Milk Sharing Week Sept 26th to Oct 2nd, and Breastfeeding Awareness week in Canada (October). We will share a link to this article as part of that discussion! Thank you! Again, excellent post.
"When a woman says breastfeeding, or whatever, isn’t possible for her, you need to trust her as a reliable narrator and work on the circumstances that she is naming. "
"The further you move away from a healthy, white, married nuclear family with a male head of household, etc etc, the more “vulnerable” you become to using formula."
Love love love it! I agree and I could read your posts all day. :) You've hit the nail right on the head. THANK YOU!
MrsRochester --
I understand your desire to pull yourself up, and to see other people do the same thing. That's not only what we're told to do, but what we're told is the only thing worth being proud of. Reaching down and finding the determination to make things work out in spite of all obstacles. Despite it being a message through out society, being able to do that is empowering, and I believe that EVERYONE should have the ability to have control in their life to feel empowered. But that's about as far as I can sympathize with your argument and this is why:
Empowerment does come from self-reliance, but for me more importantly, it comes from knowing that self-reliance is kind of bull****. No one gets anywhere completely on their own -- isn't that the point of trying to raise children well? They can't do it on their own, and we all have our own families and back stories that played a role in who we are today. Further, unless we all lived in a room with no contact from the outside world, society does and will continue to play a role in who all of us are, want to be, and safely can be. Rather than divide ourselves into these completely false categories of those who parent without any assistance, and those who parent with the help of others, I think it behooves us to look beyond just parents internal to our own families, beyond faith families, and community groups to the larger picture. There is no way to raise a child in isolation, and it wouldn't do much good to them or the parents if there was. True empowerment, for me, is not about one person getting to be on the top of the world, but it's not about no one getting to be there either. It's about the team work that allows for choices, support, trust, and growth of all.
If you can't find it in you to admire those who work for a world where parents are empowered to make good choices for their children because the method ( perhaps effective governmental programs and/or through increased respect and awareness about parental issues etc.) would take away from your sense of pride and independence, I think instead of empowered you may just feel a threat to your monopoly of self worth about how great a parent you were (because you feel that you never relied on anyone, let alone the government, sex education, or a stable relationship etc). As well as being selfish about sharing that spot of accomplishment with others who either chose, or who found themselves in, different circumstances where they did not or could not do what you did.
Let me be clear, I'm not out to shame anyone who, like you, managed to go through pregnancy and parenthood without assistance. I'm glad you were able to have a baby when you wanted one, when you were able to do what you thought was best for the child and also what was best for you; I do think that choice and planning in pregnancy and child rearing go a long way toward empowerment, health etc. What I mean to do is ask you to question why your responses seem to insist that the only way to be a good parent, citizen, and empowered woman, is to be like you, when clearly so many people are not in your situation that has enabled you to make the choices you have. What does that suggest for those people, should they all just abandon all hope at the door?
YES! This, too. :)
I think that's a very natural place for most people to come from ... it's how we are raised, and to the extent that social organisms tend towards similarity/homogeneity with other members of their group, this is likely to some degree at least an evolved behavior. But it is each of our responsibility (threw that in for you, MrsRochester!) to work past those feelings as they come up, and part of that happens as we become more secure in our own decisions and decision-making process around raising our families.
It's taken me years (my kids are 7 and 3 now) and you know what? I really actually enjoy it. It gives me relish to challenge my own parenting assumptions, actively deciding what is working, what to keep and what to change. My favorite is when I start really leaning towards something that I mocked or scoffed at when I was a new parent, like homeschooling. But the first few years of learning how to do this, of learning who I was as a parent, what my values were, what I would be shamed by and what I would not, and how to open my ears to hear what people are saying without hearing judgment against me personally, was a painful process as first. I can imagine many people are hesitant to work through that painful process. It's so worth it, though. It's really liberating and juicy at the same time.
For those of you who wanted to breastfeed and didn't get support, and gave up - that sucks. You are still (in all likelihood, I don't know you personally) a good mom and have made countless good decisions for your kids. You probably don't get to hear praise of your parenting very often. To those of you who wanted to breastfeed and didn't get support and kept at it - your experience also sucked, but good for you - YOU DID IT! You probably don't hear praise very often, either. :)
And I will say, to those who are feeling the "looks" of others in public .... who cares? Really, why do you care if a complete and utter stranger is momentarily taken aback by anything you are doing? If you're shoplifting or picking your nose, OK maybe. But feeding your child? By breast or bottle, how can that cause you shame? The very idea that someone would try to shame me about feeding my child makes me angry. And I don't look for "the looks", and if/when it happens, I ignore it and go about my day. Try it some time. It's great. :)
I was also going to post about Brene Brown here. It's a great talk!
Thank you for this highly logical post about a highly emotional issue... this is essential reading for any breastfeeding advocate!
Karen,
I agree with much of what you just said. I do think that this goes both ways though. There are causic people with no filter on both sides of the "debate". How many times are bfing women looked down on, told to move, told to stop, etc, etc. There is this really odd dichotomy that we (as mothers) must bf at all costs - but only up to a certain point and then it's just strange. And not in public either. ;)
As a nursing mother, I have found that often just SAYING that I bf or just offering a suggestion such as "maybe it's a supply thing" said completely innocuously when asked for advice, is met with "Stop judging me".
"It’s just trying to put the dissemination of information in the right hands – and that is *not* formula companies who stand to profit from formula sales."
I completely agree with this!
I think that this is the dissemination of wrong information from the "other" side. It is a well known fact that what you (general) pump has little to do with what is inside. Some women have a huge supply while nursing, but can barely pump anything. Other women can pump and feed a nation. It also has very little to do with the pump* - sure different pumps can yield different results sometimes, but some women simply cannot get milk from a pump despite having a good supply.
Christina, pumping mamas get HUGE kudos from me! I pumped for both of my kids in the beginning and when I hear about American women who pump at work and bfing at night - WOW! Great work, mama!
*It is important to keep the pump in good condition, replace parts as need (especially on older electrics where the strength and suction may get worn out), and make sure all parts are clean and clear of old milk.
Just want to chime in as another who had a lot of trouble pumping enough. Plenty of supply when I was with my baby, but the pump just didn't work well for me. My daughter got one bottle of formula a day to make up for what I couldn't supply. It's important for us to remember breastfeeding doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Having read through all the comments, I think that it's interesting that we've moved the discussion back to the notion of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. I think most women agree that having formula is necessary and are glad that an alternative food source/option is available. But when a discussion about predatory marketing then turns into a discussion about individual choice, the predatory marketing is off the hook again.
Marketing is powerful, powerful stuff which is why corporations invest millions of dollars in developing it.
Aurora:
You are absolutely right. Anger and pain does play a significant role. I had a lot of anger about not being able to nurse my son when he was a newborn (he didn't latch on until he was almost 2 months old). I'm lucky that I was able to have the squishy newborn nursing experience with my daughter, otherwise I think that may have been something I resented missing for a very long time.
It is similar with birth experiences too, I find. A lot of women are rightfully angry about not having the birth that they wanted, especially if it turns out that the medical professionals made questionable choices or gave questionable advice.
I think we all have the right to that anger, but at the same time need to find a way to manage it when people are advocating for better conditions for others.
Caroline:
I don't expect to help shape the decisions of others, but I do make an effort to let them know that they are supported. I have a lot of friends who turned to formula with their first baby because of low supply issues. When they got pregnant again, I offered myself as a resource if they needed advice, a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. I made sure that those friends knew that I supported them no matter what. While they may still feel like other parts of society are shaming them, I know that they know that I am not shaming them and that I support them and am proud of them no matter what.
Andrea:
My experience was that the people who should have been supporting me in my goal to breastfeed, were the ones who were saying "why don't you just try formula?", whereas I felt the pressure to breastfeed from society more broadly. But certainly I did very much want to breastfeed too and I put a lot of pressure on myself, so I would have been very disappointed in myself if I wasn't able to breastfeed.
Beth:
I love this: "Mamas, we’ve misunderstood, the guilt and shame was NEVER meant for us, it was meant for every person and company that company that disrespected you and your baby. We’re so used to Shake off the guilt, and realize that you did the best you could with the resources you had, and start shaming these companies. "
However, on the issue of "no one makes you stop breastfeeding your baby," I think it is true that most moms make the decisions themselves on when to give up. However, there are moms who do face true medical conditions that prevent them from having enough milk. While visits to an IBCLC can help with that (help them get the most milk possible), it may not be possible to prevent supplementing. In those cases, I do wish that human milk was more readily available so that people had that choice instead of using formula.
Erin:
You are right. I have heard of a lot of women who had that type of conditional support.
I was fortunate that the true breastfeeding support that I got (from my lactation consultant and from online message boards) was from women who truly listened to what I wanted to do and what my goals were.
My position when I was providing breastfeeding support is that it isn't up to me to give you permission to use formula. I was there to support a mother in her breastfeeding journey and to help her with breastfeeding. That support was unconditional (i.e. I supported moms who were supplementing and combo feeding either out of necessity or by choice) and that support and non-judgment continued even if they decided to stop breastfeeding at some point.
I saw Brene Brown speak in person last year at the Blissdom conference. She was great.
I totally agree with you, Christina - I had very few problems breastfeeding but my sister and many friends went through hell, and it had nothing to do with 'not trying their best' or 'doing a ton of work' or anything else. If it works for you, just be grateful, don't assume it can work for everyone if they persevere.
There is room for everyone. We all learn by doing. We all stumble and make mistakes. And we all put up with shit sometimes. It takes a platinum set of ovaries to stand up for what you believe in and sometimes you unfortunately lose some people along the way and that really sucks, but I like to think the positives outweigh the negatives over time (but certainly not every day).
"How we became a society that allows huge corporations to do whatever they want and advertise however they can – because Hey! All the other corporations can do it! – is beyond me. "
I think it is because we value free speech and profit at all costs over public health and safety and community. I'm starting a new book called Agenda for a New Economy and I'm hoping it will have some inspiring ideas and models for thinking about things differently.
I'll be honest, Annie - I often don't agree with you one hundred percent. That said, no one I read does more thorough research and careful analysis, and on this issue I have been livid on your behalf because it seems like everyone who writes about it, and then to an even greater degree their commenters, bullheadedly shifts the focus from 'is formula advertising unethical/bad/undesirable' to 'should people feel bad if they use formula'. I guess I shouldn't be surprised at how many people seem to fire off nasty comments without taking the time to understand your point, but I have been. And I think you're bang on about people being naive about how many mothers ARE vulnerable to formula marketing. I'm really sorry that so many people have targeted you personally on this for the completely wrong reason.
Exactly.
It reminds me of grandparents who say things like "well in my day, we didn't use car seats and you survived" and things like that, as if the advances that have been made in research and safety somehow judge the choices that they made at the time.
I was really lucky to have 24/7 support from an IBCLC, CLC, and many very experienced and well researched breastfeeding moms on online message boards. If it weren't for them, I would probably have given up too. There were so many voices around me saying that it was okay to use formula and it was only those women online who gave me both the advice and the confidence to continue.
Kristen:
Thank you.
I love this: "when we identify the problem externally and not internally–when we make the issue about systematic and institutional and cultural barriers to breastfeeding and not individual decisions not to breastfeed–then we help to focus the problem away from moms vs. moms."
I completely agree with that statement. Unfortunately, there are always people who find a way to twist a discussion of the institutional and cultural barriers in to a moral judgment.
You know, I was actually thinking a lot about the marketing angle while reading these comments (although I found the comments really thought provoking and important, especially @Lauren's reminder to broaden our often white-middle class assumptions/perspectives), and I immediately made the connection between formula advertising and advertising for pharmaceuticals. I remember clearly when big pharma in the States won the right to advertise prescription drugs on TV; I vehemently oppose this and see it directly tied to the rampant over-medicalization in US culture. Medications are not sweaters or shoes or cookies to be demanded by customers - I mean *patients*. I am all for patient advocacy but this takes us in the wrong direction. So, anyway, the connection between formula and the case against formula advertising - Formula is to me a medically necessary nutritional supplement/replacement. We know that babies would die without it. So, it's necessary. It's not the same as cereal or yogurt or produce, you know? It serves a different function. Like if all the food in the world disappeared and all we had was Ensure, then ensure would mean something different. I don't think formula should be hidden or hard to obtain like a prescription med; my point is that it's a serious thing, life-or-death, not some casual "preference" (though obviously some mothers may actively choose not to breastfeed for a variety of reasons which I believe are 100% valid and 100% not-my-business). We look at formula like a consumer choice, and that perspective is fueled of course by rampant advertising pretending like it's a product like any other product. It seems to me if there was no advertising, people might again start to see formula as vitally necessary, and then parents who formula-feed can maintain/reclaim a place of legitimacy. At the same time, the *companies* would stop doing harm to women and babies through unethical practices, and health care providers/ services providers (like WIC in the US) would start expanding education and support in order to end the disparity between "Breast is best" and the reality of non-support. (Most pediatricians don't know anything about breastfeeding, for example. They get minimal info in med school and nothing else. They should all take IBCLC training, or have one on staff, same with OB nurses/wards. As well as all other suggestions mentioned by Annie, like parental leave, pumping rooms, etc)
Excellent comment, Lauren.
Kayris:
I can count at least 15 friends of mine who work for Babble. I've never asked any of them not to work for Babble. I recognize that everyone has a different moral compass and that everyone has to make their own decisions.
That said, as a website that does target new moms and that has quite a bit of content on newborns, infant feeding, etc., I would love to see Babble take the position that formula adverting (especially deceptive formula advertising) is not an appropriate fit for its website.
I also don't think that asking someone to consider making a different business decision and highlighting the reasons why you don't like their business decision amounts to censorship. Just like in the case of the Amazon pedophile how-to guide that people were pressuring them to take down, I don't think people were advocating for censorship. I think people were advocating for Amazon to make a business decision that had the best interests of children in mind.
I also think that the whole free speech/censorship issue goes too far in the United States sometimes. I do think that laws, regulations, core values, and corporate policies are all appropriate vehicles to prevent harm. I think that if more companies did have core values and corporate policies that included preventing harm, then there wouldn't be a need for as much regulation. But if companies continue to act in a way that is dangerous and deceptive, then sometimes governments need to step in and say "you can't do that" in order to protect their citizens.
brit9brit:
I also exclusively pumped for ages with a manual pump. It was hard work, but it was worth it. You are a strong woman to have made that a priority and persevered, especially at such a young age.
However, I disagree that "there really aren't any good excuses out there," because there are and they aren't excuses. There are very valid reasons why people chose not to breastfeed and I don't think it is anyone else's place to judge.
Breastfeeding was a huge priority for me, as it was for you. I think we have every right to be proud of our own accomplishments, without holding that over the heads of people who had to or wanted to make a different choice.