Sunday
Jan092011
It's all the same
Sunday, January 9, 2011 
It's all the same, it seems.
- More breastfeeding pictures and pages getting banned from facebook (Momzelle, Leaky Boob, Kari Bundy).
- More slimy tactics by formula companies to get their products into the mouths of babies.
- More blog conferences announcing unreputable companies as sponsors (Nestle and more) after I've booked a flight and purchased a ticket.
- More parent blame articles that tell people the children's behaviour is the parents' fault.
- More discussions of cry it out that never really get to a place of common understanding.
If I write about it all again, it seems like I'm just rehashing the same stuff. If I don't write about it, it may appear as though I don't care, even though I do. So instead, I'm offering you the links to the current discussions.
I wish we could resolve these issues because I don't want to sound like I'm repeating myself all the time, but I don't want to become numb to it either.
So if I'm not writing about those things, it isn't because it isn't important. It is just because I'm pining for something new to write about. Maybe inspiration will come my way soon.
Image credit: scragz on flickr
Reader Comments (46)
Thanks for the link, Annie!
I know what you mean about this feeling sort of stale and unrelenting at the same time. Something I'd love to get your take on is what we feed older kids. I've seen a lot of moms go so far out of their way to Booby Traps and succeed at breastfeeding, only to be swept up in what I'd call pop-culture eating. The kids end up eating things like Lunchables and Doritos; they drink "juice" that is far from any real fruit. It's such a strange juxtaposition to see the moms work so, so hard to breastfeed and avoid formula, only for the kids to end up eating things far worse than formula (albeit at a less critical point in their development).
I appreciate your posts - how thoughtful and well written they are. I have learned more from you about what I'd like my goal as a parent to be than almost any other blogger out there. I've also learned to be proud of what I believe in. You are my inspiration for becoming a different kind of blogger this year.
So thanks - repetitive or not, your voice speaks for a lot of us.
I hear you, Annie. What a drag that 2011 is kicked off with the same ol' same ol'...
It's irritating to keep rehashing everything, but maybe it's a good thing we're not facing new issues?
Happy New Year!
It can be discouraging when you work so hard at trying to affect change and change is slow or even non-existent.
When I was in University I had what I call my "Crisis of Faith", it was a crisis of faith in humanity because what I was learning and writing about was how self-centered we are and horribly we treat one another as a result. Sigh. On the other hand, we do wonderful things for one another also.
I guess my point is, we have to do what we can. I love your blog and think you express your ideas in a very respectful and positive way. Don't get discouraged!
I hear ya. As a homebirther, I'd add the same old vitriol between the two camps to that list, as well...
I'm a relatively new follower, so maybe you've covered this before, but I'd like to hear what your hopes and dreams are for your kids when they're grown. I find that my hopes/expectations have changed drastically between pregnancy and motherhood. :)
Phew! That post about CIO was just about exhausting! The article itself really made no sense and the comments were a minefield. It's impressive how you engage on those comments. I did leave a comment at the end, but didn't go into details, though I kind of wanted to. I just need to get better at articulating. I'm sorry if this comes across as rude, but to me, the article and most comments seemed a little bit ignorant and I think that before people begin to post on these things and make up their own developmental ideas, they should actually study the developmental research that's already been done. Thanks for the links and controversy! I'm exhausted now! ;)
The bit about Cry-It-Out finally shoved me past a wall I've been up against in my own thoughts. In the end, I read that entire debate as there being common ground that was completely lost in distrust and an attempt to make nighttime parenting very black and white.
I wrote a VERY long comment elaborating...I think I'll have to move it to my own blog (I'm unclear about blogosphere etiquette, so forgive me if I should just be sharing it here! Or over there?)
Brea:
I think sharing wherever you like is great, but linking back to the site(s) that sparked your post is common courtesy. :)
I know how you feel. Lately I have been thinking that the connection between mother and baby isn't talked about much. There is so much emphasis on physical wellness, nourishment and cancer risk. What about the connection that makes it possible to wake fully to nurse your child from a deep sleep when they makes the slightest lip smack? That's amazing stuff and I would like to hear more on it.
I hope you find something to share. I love your site.
Oh yes, of course! I don't think I could make my post make any sense without the links for background! I'll get to work on it...currently side-lying nursing my 3m/o, so it could be awhile!
It really is discouraging to feel like we're dealing with the same issues, over and over again.
I think anytime you are trying to create real change in the world, you are going to deal with discouraging and recurring cycles where it almost seems hopeless. Seriously, didn't we do this already? I suppose if we are passionate enough we have to take those times to regroup, refresh, and get back out there again. That can be incredibly difficult at times though.
Inspiration can be found many places and sometimes where you least expect it. I hope you find yours!
Dreary, yes. But it takes a looooong time for new thoughts & insights to seep into common knowledge - it took 50 years after Freud's psychoanalysis theory for it to become accepted & common knowledge (people still refer to the x stages of grief) whilst by then other theories were already showing his to be faulty in several ways (the x stages of grief again - there's no set stages of grief).
Rehashing is necessary, as it helps give more and more people the words for a different discourse. It is frustrating, but I am learning to be patient - just like with cognitive behavioral therapy, you have to keep repeating the preferred behavior/strategy for quite a large number of times, before it becomes natural. Isn't that also the way formula companies have made formula the acceptable norm? It's all framing and discourse and although it feels like our voices get lost in the symbolic violence, that's what the opposite sides would have us think. Right?
I agree. But one of my friends, who nursed kids till about 4, explained it this way. "You see breastfeeding as the healthiest thing you can do. I see it as the tastiest--the thing my toddlers want more than anything else. It's like giving them chocolate or ice cream." Not that she didn't want to give her kids healthy food, just that breastfeeding was more about emotional satisfaction than health--and I respect that. She was less careful about healthy food than most long-term breastfeeders I know.
You forgot the moms kicked out of public places for nursing in public. Oh wait. . .
It does seem discouraging. I do want to add a little encouragement though. Even though it might feel like you say the same things over and over again and nothing changes, change does happen. I used to have extremely different viewpoints on many areas: breastfeeding, religion, homosexuality, cry it out, and several others. I was a part of an online community and over time reading the well spoken, thought provoking posts of people who felt much differently than I did led me to re-examine my beliefs. It wasn't a quick process (5+ years and still going). The people who provoked my rethinking probably don't even know. So, I just wanted to say that even if you feel like nothing has changed it's possible that it has but you aren't the one seeing the results.
Amy:
If you scroll back through the archives in my "Nutrition" category, I think you'll find a few posts that touch on those issues: http://www.phdinparenting.com/category/nutrition/
I'm in a similar place today.
Just tired.of.it.all.
It happens to passionate people.
Or so I've been told. ;)
xo
I often face this same thing when I sit down to write at my computer. I get a few paragraphs in & then file it in my "blog posts that are partially finished" folder. Sigh.
Yet sometimes, in rehashing what you've said before, you find slightly different ways of examining and expressing... maybe turning the corner a bit, seeing from a varied angle. It's often worthwhile to reexamine.
Well, I have a (maybe) new topic I would love to see you cover, Annie, if you have time and the inclination. In the thread about CIO you were asked if you ever left your child crying at daycare, and I saw your response. This is heavy on my mind today because I left my 21 month old at daycare for the first time today and of course she was in tears. I don't know how long she cried, but when I called a couple hours later (I wanted to call sooner, but I also didn't want to be a worry-wort) I was assured she was okay and receiving lots of individual attention (they have 3 caregivers for fewer than 10 children).
So, my question is for the parents who have to utilize daycare, do you (or anybody) have suggestions for making the transition easier? We took her to play there several times and she had fun, but she was never left there before today. She also hadn't been there for 3 weeks during winter break as the daycare is in a university and was closed.
Wow, I really hear your weariness. Just know that there are so many out here who appreciate what you have to say. Sometimes you just need to keep going and push through the doldrums, its most definitely worth it. Good luck and thanks for this 'pulling it all together post', very useful.
@michelletant
My biggest tip for making the transition easier is to 1) verbally acknowledge your child's feelings as valid and 2) project confidence in them and in the care providers. If your child knows that you understand how they feel and you feel good about the people you are leaving them with- it helps them feel confident too. Key to that of course is to make sure you feel really good about those caregivers. I know that is what helped my daughter.
I know it is frustrating to rehash the same discussion and feel like nothing changes.
Still, you can change minds...one at a time.
I'm wondering also what your thoughts are about conferences in the long view. I think it would be unfortunate ic the more radical voices in the blogging community self-segregate.
So, what's the solution?
Thanks for the tip. I'm doing those things, but that doesn't seem to be making a difference to her yet. Today was worse because she knew what was coming unlike yesterday. *sigh* It's only the second day so I hope it's better soon.
We had the same problem with my son. He was so upset when we would leave. It was probably harder on us than on him!
Something had to change so we developed a routine when he left. For my son, it meant acting confident (aka-me not crying) that he would have lots to tell me when he got back, letting him take his stuffed dog, giving him "Toy Story" tissues for when he wanted to cry & stating simply "Good-bye, love you, see you soon."
Kathleen said to "verbally acknowledge your child’s feelings as valid." We talked a lot about that it was okay to feel sad but that we would be together again soon. After a week or so, it wasn't a problem anymore.
Olivia-It is tough and I know I had a lot of Mom-guilt. Hang in there. It will get better. :)
Hope I am making sense. I have a small baby and am a bit sleep deprived. :)
hi annie:
you know the famous saying: "the more things change, the more they stay the same?" well, the times we live in are indeed a reflection of that. i applaud your tenacity and your unwavering stance on things that you are passionate about. it's a testimony to your consistency. and it is for that reason that *we* "trust" you. we know that we cannot 'trust' marketers or PR agents, or people who are in it for the quick-fix, but we know that we can 'trust' a woman who's done her research and means what she says. it's comforting to know that you walk the talk.
now will you ever disappoint us? do you have a certain bias? hell YES. because you are human. and you don't have ALL the answers, but clearly you do your very best to give us the goods as you see fit.
it is quite possible that we might not see the fruits of your labour in the next 1, 2 or 5 years, but know that you are making a desirable impact. that your gentle strategies of persuasion are long-lasting and meaningful. the companies are aware of you and your loyal followers, and the old fashion way of communicating--word of mouth carrier pigeon--still trumps any online activity. moms have an innate ability to "know" who is trustworthy or not. and if we don't we know someone who is. our world is that small.
thanks for being my parenting-warrior! you're aces in my books.
cheers, and good day!
xobolaji
Honestly, from my understanding, some kids just take more time to adjust from others. Children, toddlers in particular, really like (loose) routines to provide predictability to their day. They feel safe when they can anticipate what will happen next. When the routine changes dramatically it is disorientating and they experience anxiety over that. It makes sense, it just sucks.
One thing that really helped my son, Olivia, was that I would talk through the routine several times every morning on our way to day care / preschool, beginning with how I would say good-bye to him, the daily routine at the school, and then who would pick him up. What really made the difference was talking through how I would say good-bye — and then doing exactly as I said I would do. It really helped him through the transition. Best wishes!
Hi, you're link on the blog conference didn't work for me!
How about writing on... fun things to do with kids in the snowy winter months.
Or... vaccines....
Hmm, maybe a post on marriage and how to keep a marriage (or partnership) strong when you're in the middle of raising kids. I'd love to hear more ideas beyond "date night" because with 3 young kids now (Age 4, 2 and 3.5 months) date night just isn't an option for us anymore.
If you are still looking for something to write about, Annie, I'd love to hear about why you care so much. I often wonder why I care, how much I really care ... and so on. I don't really have any answers for myself. I'd love to hear your answers, ruminations, whatever....
Alina:
The blog conference link is up and down constantly it seems. Not sure what is going on there.
Thanks for the suggestion Rachael! At the moment, I'm looking for time to write. :)
It is an interesting question though. I often wonder why other people don't care that much.
Olivia:
For us, talking about it for a LONG time before they went there was REALLY important. Julian transitioned fairly easily to preschool and I give full credit to a wonderful teacher for that. There were some tears during the first week, but he had fun each day and I could tell that she was really tending to him and his feelings.
Emma had been going with us to pick Julian up at the school for years, so she knew the school and knew the teacher. Things were fairly smooth at the start of the year, but we then had a big problem when there was a change of teacher. Her teacher was suddenly gone with no real explanation for why. There were 3 different substitute teachers for a period of 7 days before the new permanent teacher started. All of that turmoil and uncertainty made it really difficult and even though the new teacher is wonderful, she had a horrible time adjusting to the change.
For me, being able to talk to the teacher, work out a plan together for her transition, learn about what she was doing every day to make Emma feel comfortable, was REALLY important. That doesn't mean that it was easy, because she was upset for a while. But at least I knew that she was being cared for lovingly at school and at home and that her feelings were being listened to.
bolaji:
Thank you so much for the kind comment. You made my evening! :)
Thank you Casey!
I had a few people come up to me at BlogHer and tell me that I had changed their mind about issues. That was really nice to hear because I don't often hear that here. Most comments are either agreement (then I feel like I'm preaching to the choir) or disagreement (then I bang my head against the wall and feel like I'm making no progress). But I know that when I read a blog post that makes me think and that I haven't necessarily made my mind up about one way or another, I may read it several times over the course of the day, but I won't necessarily leave a comment. I should though...at least to say that it made me think.
i think trying to figure out why somebody does or does not care about something is a lost position and a losing argument. if you still have drive, and compassion, then it's fitting that you carry the torch--so to speak-- for those who don't. sadly, you can't make anyone care. people come to care about an idea based on what's in it for them, even if it's for altruistic reasons.
i used to get so bummed when i would read a story about some particular travesty and i was surprised that people were not as outraged as i was. then i realized that everyone has their own moral compass and internal tipping point for what they consider in/tolerable.
when i became a mother, i never realized the extent to which i cared about things mostly because not everything "concerned" me or directly related to me and my needs. but that all changed when i had children. it had to.
i think that when we have children we are forced to recognize how amazing our resources are, and how we fall short or could do better in others. when i read phd for example, i think wow, this woman is the kind of parent advocate, child advocate, humanitarian advocate that we all wish was in our corner. and so even though you think you may be fighting a 'losing battle' you aren't. if just one person takes the information you pass along and shares it with a friend or two, your work here is done. because to quote --gulp--oprah, "when you know better you do better." and whatever "better" bit of knowledge that we come to know by visiting your site, recognize that's one less mother-support for the corporations. and let's face it, mothers are a major force to be reckoned with.
as for your messaging. keep it coming! keep hammering away until it becomes commonplace, until people begin to wonder what the “fuss” is about. nestle needs mom, lysol needs moms. but guess what? moms don’t need them! onwards!
cheers,
xobolaji
yay! my pleasure!
Great, insightful responses, xobolaji. If it makes you less sheepish to repeat the quote, it actually originated from Maya Angelou:
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."
I just happened to read that recently, and it stuck with me, too. :)
I have another topic for you: Elle magazine lightening the skin color of cover models as part of touching-up the image. Specifically, women of color. I want my daughter to grow up knowing that women are beautiful in all shapes, sizes, and colors, but it's hard to teach that when the only people on the covers of magazines are thin and light-skinned.
I don't have any experience with an older child - Amber started daycare when she was 4 months old. But two things come to mind: 1) it took Amber a long time (comparably to other babies) to warm to the daycare ladies, but nowe she has, I cans ee she trusts them now (when a new person comes to work, she still refuses them, she's picky!) 2) does your daughter have a lovey/transitional object? Or perhaps a toy you could save for her to play with, just for those days she goes to preschool?
thank you for clarifying. maya angelou is nothing short of amazing. i'll remember that now. cheers!
You know what I've really enjoyed reading about on your blog? How to raise your kids to expect and appreciate diversity-not just in the colors way, but in the myriad of ways we are all different. I'm enjoying that society is getting past being colorblind and instead trying to embrace the variety!
Just a random thought in response to this perfectly understandable burnout-ish post. :)
Oh, heh! I looked up and saw this after I wrote my post below :)
I hadn't heard about this, but I agree with you about your wishes for your kids!
My son was 9 months and my daughter nearly 3 years when they began daycare 3 days a week. EVERY time I dropped them off, for weeks, my daughter would cry. My son transitioned beautifully. For the first week at least, I would call the daycare as soon as I got to work, and the worker assured me that my daughter stopped crying before I even made it out of the parking lot. It seemed like she just wanted me to feel bad for leaving her. I'm sure her motives weren't really that sinister, but that's how I felt. We would talk about her day, and she always had good things to say, friends she made, crafts she created, etc. Now my son, who just turned 4, is giving me the same treatment. I know that they would rather be with me than anyone else, and that is at once both reassuring and heartbreaking.
You make me think every time I read your blog. Of course, I like your blog because I agree with you on many things. But there have also been many issues that I was unsure or uninformed about, and you definitely either swayed me or educated me. I love your approach to issues- you are very level headed, your writing has good flow (I'm an Book Nerd, that is very important to me- I won't read a blog purely because it is not fluent or has chronic spelling/grammatical issues), and you take what I believed is a balanced approach to everything. And, like me, you value information without allowing it to cause you to feel parenting guilt. But anyway, just wanted to let you know that you are valued and you do make a difference. And that I understand your frustration- part of the purpose of my blog is to bring more progressive birth and parenting issues to my Midwestern family and friends in an admittedly passive way (trust me, I've tried the assertive way and it doesn't go over well) and I usually feel like I'm speaking to an empty room.
I. so. hear. you! I love that you addressed it though - that even if you dont always address every time & with every new study or news article it doesn't make it less important.
I am sure your inspiration will come back :) you definitely inspire me ♥