Thursday
Jan132011
Who wins? Playing games with kids
Thursday, January 13, 2011 
My American expat in Germany friend Yelli (I miss everyone in Berlin!) from 50% of my DNA had a question that she hoped I would answer. She wrote:
I wanted to know if you let your children win games? This is coming up more and more often in our household and to be honest, I don't quite know what to think. On one hand, I can see the value in letting the child win but what does that teach them about how to deal with the very realistic fact that in other cases, this can't always happen?
In our house this hasn't been a big issue. Maybe that is because of the temperament of our kids or maybe it is because of the approach we take to playing games. In any case, I'll share some of the things that we do in the event that it is useful.
- Play cooperative games: Some of the games that we love are cooperative games. We love Richard Scarry's Busytown game, where the different players are all working together to get to their picnic before the pigs steal all the food. The company Family Pastimes has a lot of cooperative games. We have one called Funny Face that our kids enjoy.
- Play games of chance: Some of the games we play have no strategy involved. It is all luck. So when we play something like Snakes and Ladders or Trouble, then sometimes the parents win and sometimes the kids win. One thing our kids do like with those games is letting everyone finish. So instead of the game ending when the winner finishes, the game ends when everyone is finished.
- Play kids games: Our kids have the children's versions of some of the games we love. For example, we have Monopoly Junior, which relies a lot more on chance and a lot less on strategy than the regular version. We also have Kids of Carcassone, which is much simpler to understand and a lot easier for our kids to grasp and plan their strategy. As a result of playing kids' games our kids do often win without us having to let their win.
- Give tips: In some of the games that do involve strategy or intellect and where the adults (for now!) have an edge over the kids, we try to give them tips so that they can improve their game. So I won't purposely not make a match when playing memory, but I may remind one of the kids that they probably know where the match is to that card because they picked it up on their last turn. When playing something like Pengoloo, I might remind them that they are allowed to steal from me if they forgot or when playing Lego Pirate Cove, I might suggest which colours they haven't tried to guess yet. The better they get at the games, the less the tips are required and they tend to start winning without any help at all.
Those tips are no guarantee, of course, that a child will never get upset when playing a game. Sometimes they get upset about losing. Sometimes they get upset because the game is too difficult for them. Sometimes they get upset because things in the game are scary (like the snakes in Snakes and Ladders or the foxes in Chicken Out). Sometimes they get upset because they lose.
If I found my kids were getting too upset about any of those things, I think I would probably focus for a while on the cooperative games where everyone wins and no one loses and then slowly work back to the competitive ones. I think having confidence in your own ability is important. That confidence can be built in the cooperative games and then later tested in the more competitive ones.
One last tip: If your child does lose...try to make time for a rematch as often as possible.
Do you have any winning tips for playing games with kids?
Image credit: zzub nik on flickr
Reader Comments (27)
Nope, I don't set things up so that the kid wins. I don't purposefully blow them out of the water, either. In our house, we do a lot of the things you mentioned - play cooperative games, games of chance, and kids' games. We also play more adult-level games (Uno, chess, checkers, Boggle, Labyrinth, etc) as the kids get older and more interested in them (my oldest just turned 8). I have, on occasion, held back from a particularly brutal checkers or chess move because it would end the game too quickly and be discouraging. But I also sometimes take those moves and explain how they worked. I never throw the game, ever. So far my kids are picking up some great strategic moves and even developing some of their own and teaching them to me.
Over all, we try to keep in mind what kind of a mood everybody is in, and pick a game that will work for that moment. Sometimes we're in the mood for something one particular person excels at, sometimes we want something more leisurely. Some days we're more able to lose graciously than on others.
We also adapt games so that the end up getting played in a way not originally intended - Mouse Trap is never played by the actual rules in our house, it's all about the fun of setting up and running the Rube Goldberg contraption.
Great post! We love the Family Pastimes cooperative games around here.
We only just ran into this while teaching our 2 year old how to play "Go Fish." She doesn't understand winning yet to get upset about it, but it doesn't feel right to totally blow her out of the water because we can see her cards as we help her- and since she doesn't get that you're not supposed to put them all face up on the ground. :) I try to be fair since she doesn't really get the idea at all and is just happy that we're playing with her.
My son and my unhusband play chess quite a bit. The first time they played the unhusband thought he was going to be easy to beat. Now it has become a real test of will between the two. I think that it is important to challenge children. They cannot always win but they need to learn success is trying their best.
When I was a kid, I don't remember my parents ever letting me win. As a result, when other adults would let me win, I would get offended that they were treating me like I was stupid and couldn't tell that they actually won. This happened more often when we would have foot races. I could see that an adults legs were longer than mine, and I knew they were older, so the most I could ask for is a head start. Now when I play games or race with kids, I explain to them that I'm older and my legs are longer so I'm faster, and if they do not win today, one day they'll be able to beat me. They have always understood and a few seem relieved that I didn't just let them win. Kids are so much smarter than many people give them credit for :)
Working with a 3yo, got Busytown for her BD love it. She still doesn't like it when the pigs win *g*. Also got Hi Ho Cherry O and she really, really wants to win that one, we're working on 'no you can't put the spinner on the number you want' and 'dumping the cherries off your tree doesn't mean you've won'. She wins some, she loses some, and to me that's the way it should be.
We've tried Go Fish, but she's way too cooperative for that one.
We only started introducing competitive games in the last year or year and a half (Z is almost 6 and a half now). Before that we did only cooperative games or we altered competitive games to be cooperative. We've loved the HABA cooperative games (Orchard is a great one)! As we've introduced the competitive games, we've had to teach Z how to be both a gracious winner and a gracious loser (we don't do team sports at this point either). At this point, we play a wide variety of games - card games for kids - adults, kid games, and even some modified adult games (we're teaching Z to play Settlers of Catan in stages). It's a good mix because we really never know who is going to win!
I remember playing cards with my 5 year old god-daughter who totally lost it when she WON. Because that meant she wasn't playing any more. So I don't know what I'll do when the kiddo is older because the game is the fun bit, right?
Our feisty five-year-old gets very het-up about losing and what we find works for him is to team him up with an adult. That way he has a role-model experiencing exactly what he's experiencing which helps him keep his cool. It also means we can play games which require more reading than he is capable of.
My nine-year-old plays chess with his grandfather. I don't think he's ever won a game but he gets heaps of praise for his well thought out moves (of which he makes many) so he never feels discouraged.
It's a tricky one, especially when you're playing with multi-age groups. I don't "force" myself to lose, or my kids to win, but I have been known to "forget" to take a turn in favor of letting my youngest get an extra turn, if you know what I mean.
I have to say I find myself really bored with "games of chance" like Candyland or Trouble or Hi Ho Cherry O - even though, I agree, they can solve some of the win problem, they make my eyeballs fall out of my head, so we've mostly "retired" these in favor of games like Memory, Shut the Box, Spelling Bee Bingo (okay this one is slightly eyeball extruding as well, but it has the advantage of being educational for the kids), Dominos, and card games which can be more interesting for adults and while able to be adjusted/altered for age level.
We play some games one-on-one too - when my oldest needs more of a challenge - like Chess, Mastermind, Othello, or Mancala when 3.5yo is working on something else.
If I find that a group game is particularly challenging for my 3.5yo, but appropriate for my 6yo, I will do like you (with Memory in particular) - reminding , "hey, I'm pretty sure you saw that one - think carefully before you turn over a piece". Or with dominos or Old Maid or Go Fish, the youngest can play with his pieces up instead of facing towards him, so I can help if necessary (plus with cards, its just easier not to have to hold all the cards in small hands).
Regardless of winning or losing, I do stress good sportsmanship - each kid must say good game to the other, win or lose. If they don't want to say that, I encourage them to point out one good move or thing the other did during the game. If whining or unsportsmanlike conduct happens during gameplay, I do ask that child to step away until they can play nicely. No one wants to play with a bossy Mcbossy pants (and there are plenty out there - my husband & I have been online & face-to-face gamers for years & its amazing the poor sportsmanship & s***talking that goes on - really can spoil the games).
FWIW, for Christmas we received a new game which is awesome for all-level play called Blokus. Even fun for adults.
PS: Do you - or anyone reading - have the cooperative game, Wildcraft? It's been in my kids' Montessori catalog & for the past two years I've really considered getting it... looks educational & fun - gets good reviews on Amazon, but its a hefty price, so I've hesitated. Thoughts?
we don't really have a game-playing philosophy, but one game that's been great for us since my stepdaughter was about 6 is http://store.looneylabs.com/FamilyFluxx" rel="nofollow">family fluxx, a family version of the card game fluxx. it's designed by some game designers local to me (maryland, USA) so i'm not sure if it's available in canada. but what's great about the game is that it involves both strategy and luck, and all of the instructions are right on the cards so you never get lost (although non-readers would have to have someone read the card to them).
I agree with you I do not generally let my child win. I do, however, teach them tips and strategies in games that need it. In fact, I have taught him well enough that he can often beat my husband. :)
We need to make more of an effort to play games somewhat regularly. I find that if we don't get them out on a semi-regular basis my daughter has more difficult time if she doesn't win. I love seeing all these different suggestions for games.
Only tip I have is to also realize kids are really different. My kids are only a year apart, but very different in tempermant. They are also very competitive, have no interest in catch - you must keep score :) The older one learned to lose with only a little help and time. When he was little he might cry, but he adapted quickly, so thought I was doing something right. The younger was very different, at 7 he doesn't like to lose, but finally can handle it without tantrums or tears. When I babysit I had kids who would really want me to win, with others it was not worth it to ever win, decided it was not my job as a 13 year old to teach them how to lose :) So of course we can guide and model, and not just them win, but realize it will be different for different kids.
When reading the book Playful Parenting, this concept was addressed and gave me the idea of asking my 4 year old before we start a game "what are the rules" and letting him make the rules. He usually makes up rules that make everything vastly in his favor! I have realized that for my son, when he sits down to play a game "winning" is part of the "playing" for him. He expects to win as part of the game and doesn't really understand chance vs. strategy. So it's very personally devastating when he 'loses'.
I like the idea of finding cooperative games. Maybe this is something I can suggest to my daycare because I am pretty sure some of my son's perception on "winning as part of the game" comes from his experience at daycare.
Alina talked about Playful Parenting, and I found the info in that book helpful here, too. Lawrence Cohen talks about how sometimes kids need to win. He also says that, generally, children grow out of this, and you'll know it when you see it.
With my daughter, who is almost 6, I no longer force myself to lose in the same way. Now if we play a few rounds of a game I will win one or two. Or else we'll do what Annie mentions, which is just keep on playing. At the age she's at now this works, whereas she would have been very upset with not winning EVERY TIME when she was 4. Like Cohen said, I knew it when I saw it.
I will say that I've read opinions that say you need to teach your kid to lose. I'm not sure I totally agree that this is my place. The world will deal plenty of defeat to my kids. And I spend plenty of time telling my kids 'no' in our daily lives. In our play, I am there to connect and have fun and provide a safe space that my kids can return to, not school them in harsh realities. That's my personal take, anyway.
Great post and great tips, as always, in comments too!
We don't let our two elder children win games purposefully, but also don't set out to crush them! When we're playing a new game, for the first few times we play in teams - one adult with 7 year old, one adult with 5 year old - and with harder games, like adult Monopoly (which the kids both prefer to the children's version) the 5 year old continues to team with an adult indefinitely.
One thing I try to do is to intersperse games where the adults have a skill / age advantage (like Monopoly, Scrabble, Pictionary etc) with games that my kids are actually better at than the adults in the household (any kind of memory game, at which they both *kill* us even when we're at full stretch; Guess Who, at which my 5 year old is a close-to-unbeatable natural; and in my 7-year-old's case, checkers and chess, at which she's pretty hot).
Games of chance also break it up a bit - snakes and ladders, card games and Trouble in particular. We seem to emerge with an even spread of winnings over that time, which is cool by the kids.
I will say that until the last 18 months or so (around the time my middle child turned 4), we didn't tend to play games with her that necessitated a winner unless it was a game of chance. She did go through a stage where not winning was very problematic to her. She is well through that now and takes her defeats with equanimity, especially as she knows she'll be able to thrash Mummy at memory later on :-)
Hmm right now our girls (2 and 4) both love to play, and don't really care who wins or loses. Though we also don't make a point in saying "Oh you've/I've won". INstead we focus on how they played - I could tell you had lots of fun, wow you really focused and remembered where the cards were etc. Many of our games are co-operative or chance, but we've started to teach the girls games like rummy, crazy 8s, and are about to introduce settlers to our older dd - we've debated carcassone - but honestly I'm not a fan of the game so haven't bothered yet.
We also don't focus on rules too much - when we get a new game we play by the rules, or sometimes we'll say 'today we're playing byt he rules' but most of the time we just play what ever game the girls decide on - sometimes that means they win, sometimes it means we win - and sometimes I'm not even sure what the heck is going on : ) but since DH and I love to play board games and want the girls to join us in game night as soon as they're ready we focus more on gaming being fun, than anything else. They'll learn how to win, and learn how to lose by watching us and those who come to game.
I would just like to point out here that sometimes it can be hard for a kid to NEVER win. I was a very competitive child, and my dad started teaching me to play chess when I was six or seven. I don't remember how often we played, but often we'd play more than one in a row. He generally handicapped me his queen and a rook or a bishop. The only time he didn't win we played to a stalemate and I did victory laps around the house!!
However, since that was the closest I ever got to winning, after about a year or two I gave it up. He'd ask me to play, but there didn't seem to be much point as we both knew what the outcome would be. I think he was trying to let me learn by experimentation, but eventually what I learned was that when it came to chess, my dad was going to win. Period.
I still love games to this day, and although I'm still intimidated by chess I would love to go back and learn. Just my two cents' worth, though. I just got Blokus and my college-aged friends and I LOVE it!
It's funny to read this because it was a big difference between my parents growing up. Mom believed in letting us win sometimes, Dad did NOT. His point was that eventually we'd be smart enough to beat him at about anything, and we'd feel really good about that knowing it was real. When I ran track in middle school, he'd even take me on in a 400 and beat me! But I think some of those lessons were good... I'm a person now who loves playing games, even if I'm not going to win. I'm very competitive but don't get discouraged easily.
I have on occasion heard myself say, "If you continue to cry over losing this game, I'm not playing with you anymore."
The bigger loss won, and my five-year-old stopped crying and complaining so we could play again.
One thing that has worked at our house is to play in teams for some of the strategy games. I play with one child (they are 3 and 5). My husband plays with the other.
Great tips! I think that it's actually beneficial for my children to lose too, so I don't always hold back so that they will win. I think that losing graciously is a wonderful thing for a child to learn. If I think that there's a chance I could win when we start a game, I prep my kids. We start by talking about how we'll cheer and be happy for whoever wins the game, even when we feel disappointed that we lost, and I continue to prep as the game goes along if it looks like I might be the winner. When things get out of hand and good sportsmanship is just no in the cards that day, we put the game away and switch to another activity. Taking this approach has made a wonderful difference in the outcome no matter who wins the game, and I actually receive compliments from teachers and other adults on my children's good sportsmanship. :-)
My mom never let us win at games. I still have the score sheet from the one time I beat her at Scrabble when I was still at home. Both my sister & I are very competitive but we are also both gracious losers...we had plenty of time to practice that particular skill. However, as a pp stated...when we did win we knew it was an earned win. I do think learning how to be a gracious loser should happen at home.
Age appropriate games are important. We didn't have any of the cooperative games growing up but the families I nannied for had several. They were great for getting the older kids to work with the younger kids.
I have been having some struggle with this one lately with my 5yr old. He LOVES to win & we play a lot of board games and physical games lately. When we first started he did not understand why he would not/ could not win every time but i'm noticing the more we play & talk about why his sisters win sometimes & why i win sometimes he is now getting just as excited as when someone else wins. i personally don't think it teaches kids anything good to let them win all the time -- we need to be able to be happy for other people & learn to have fun without always winning :)
[...] fellow Canadian mother’s blog recently sparked a lot of debate about whether you should let children lose when playing games. The idea of playing co-operative [...]
To play with kids it’s important to know which type of games they enjoy to play. Sometimes we play some intelligent games with them so as they can improve there thinking power.Have some wrestling fights to make them strong.