Friday
Mar132009
What gives you the right?
Friday, March 13, 2009 Morals colliding.
We are all part of a society. Everyone is different and that is a good thing. Repeat to yourself and repeat to your children, "everyone is different and that's okay."
I'm perplexed and saddened when I hear about people that think breastfeeding in public is gross. They will all have different definitions of what is okay and what is not okay. Some say it is okay to breastfeed in public as long as you use a cover. Some say it is okay as long as you are "discreet" (by whose definition though...). Some say you should never breastfeed in front of other people no matter what. Women should hide in the bedroom to feed their children. They should not go out unless they are sure they can fit in that quick errand between feedings or unless they pump and take a bottle with them. If they do get stuck somewhere and it becomes necessary to breastfeed, they should use the bathroom.
I think these are stupid ideas. I really do. I reluctantly accept the fact that they are entitled to their opinion.
How do I show my respect for their opinion? I do try not to "let it all hang out". I don't use a nursing cover because I think it sends the message that breastfeeding is something to be hidden. However, I understand that some people do not want to see my breasts and I try to breastfeed discreetly. That means that I do not show more skin when breastfeeding than would be acceptable for anyone else that is not breastfeeding to show in that same environment. So please, don't have a hissy fit if you see 1 inch of my flesh when your wife is wearing a shirt that shows at least 3 times as much of her breasts. Being discreet isn't always easy if you have a wiggly baby and are trying to keep tabs on a toddler at the same time. But I try. I make that effort. Not for me, but for you.
But people tell me, "I don't want my children to see THAT. I might have to explain it to them and it isn't up to you to decide when I will teach my children about breasts". This is incomprehensible to me. I would think every parent would welcome the opportunity to explain to their child what breasts are really meant for before their child gets exposed to sexualized breasts. But, there are families that formula fed, that think breastfeeding is disgusting, and that regard breasts as sexual only. They don't want their children to see me breastfeeding in public because they think they then have to have a conversation about sex with their kids. All you need to do is to say "some babies drink from bottles, some babies drink from breasts". Period. This is not about sex. It is about feeding babies.
I've had this conversation many times it seems. But most recently on Nina's blog Blog It Out Bitch on her initial post on breastfeeding in public and her recap post the next day. In response to her second post I put up this comment:
I don’t agree with everything in your response, but I think it is really well written and you make a lot of great points.
The one thing that I will still stick on from yesterday’s conversation is the thought around whether it is okay to breastfeed around other people’s children. You said yesterday and again today that it should be up to the parents to decide when they are going to teach their kids what breasts are for and what breastfeeding is. I want to make a few follow-on points to that:
1) The problem is that many parents won’t. They gave formula. They will never talk to their kids about breasts or breastfeeding. Their kids first exposure to breasts will be when their buddy brings a dirty magazine to school or when they start popping out of their own chest. They will learn ONLY about the sexualization of breasts and will go on to be one of those people who think that breastfeeding is sexual or gross or something to be hidden.
2) My kids ask me a LOT of questions. They ask me why that person has a different skin colour from us. They ask me why that person drives a truck. They ask me why that bush has flowers and the other one doesn’t. They ask me why cows poo on the ground and we use a toilet. They ask me why? why? why? all the time. I think that is a good thing because it gives me the opportunity to be the one to provide an explanation to my kids or for us to explore the answer together. It is normal for kids to ask questions about things and I don’t think any kid would think there is anything weird about breastfeeding unless their parents give them a reason to think so. Just say “she is feeding her baby. Some babies drink from bottles and some babies drink from breasts”. Is it really that hard? (this last question is not aimed at you Nina, but at those that suggest that they don’t want their kids to see it).
There were a variety of responses to this, including Mary saying "Annie, as much as you might want it to be, it is NOT your job to teach other peoples’ children about such things" followed by some not so nice words that I don't like to repeat. Nina, whose blog it is, finished off that thread of the conversation by replying to me with:
I happen to agree with you. I don’t think it so hard to simply explain to a curious child what breastfeeding is. But I respect a parent’s right to choose when and how. And though I don’t see the big deal, I can UNDERSTAND if there’s a moment of annoyance when confronted with that while out to dinner.
The conversation there went in many different directions and I was busy with work, family and keeping up with comments on my other post on when to quit breastfeeding, so I didn't have a chance to continue the conversation there. But I keep mulling it over and over and over again. No, it is not my job to teach other people's children about such things, but it is also not their job to tell me when, where and how to feed my baby.
Here is what it comes down to:
- I want to go out to dinner with my family. I want to feed my kids at the restaurant. This means the baby will be breastfeeding. I do not want to put a blanket over my child's head.
- You want to go out to dinner with your family. You want to feed your kids at the restaurant. You do not want to explain to them why my baby is drinking from my breasts. You do not want to put a blanket over your child's head.
You don't want your child to see me feeding my child. Why is that my problem? Why should I stay home while you go to the restaurant? Why should your kids eat at the table, while my kid eats in the bathroom? Why should my child have to have a blanket over her head instead of you putting a blanket over your child's head?
If you don't want to see me breastfeed, it is YOUR problem, not MY problem. Period.
Reader Comments (110)
From one larger lady to another: do what makes your baby happy & YOU comfortable. I just don't think those covers are much more discreet than just letting everyone see. I'm about a size 20 and a DDD cup while nursing, so definitely not Twiggy. I can sew, so I have the advantage of slings in a size that work well for me, and all the breastfeeding tops I want to make. So the worst anyone might see is a nipple. Even so, I had a much harder time with baby 1 than baby 2. My first was a little early, and under 6 pounds, and a week in NICU with pumped milk in bottles meant that breastfeeding did NOT get off to an easy start. She was 6 months old before it got easy. My second was full-term, almost 10 pounds, and we both knew what we were doing from the get-go. I'm expecting my third baby in August, and, after almost 4 solid years of nursing, I practically know how to nurse discreetly while swinging from the chandeliers.
Many years ago I went to eat at a restaurant with my baby daughter in a West Palm Beach Mall and when the hostess seated us she asked me if I planned to breast feed my daughter. She told me there was a lounge in the restroom. I was appalled... it makes me sad that so many years later not much has changed.
So much changes and yet so much stays the same. Education and acceptance cannot be over emphasized.
[...] Children need to see breasts being used to feed babies before they are introduced to them as sex obj.... This means that they should see their own mother (if possible) and other mothers breastfeeding, so [...]
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Hey there - this is my first post on your blog. I'm a follower (and a fellow blogger) from Istanbul, Turkey. I'm also the founding leader of the movement we call here the "Breastfeeding Reform", which is a social awareness campaign which advocates that women should get 6 months of paid maternity leave, based on the World Health Organization's argument that babies should be exclusively breastfed for the first six months.
Anyway, here in Turkey, breastfeeding in public is not a big deal, at least in rural areas. When you start looking at the urban places, i.e. a "civilized" city such as Istanbul, you start seeing people look down on women that choose to breastfeed in public, without cover, but it is rare.
It is a pity that the more "civilized" a society gets, the more it gets disconnected from the natural aspects of life. Breastfeeding is one, natural birth is another.
I wholeheartedly agree with your post, though I cannot bring myself to understand why would people not want their children to -at least- know that milk comes our of breasts and babies drink it. Anyway, I agree that it's THEIR problem, not yours.
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