Friday
Mar132009
What gives you the right?
Friday, March 13, 2009 Morals colliding.
We are all part of a society. Everyone is different and that is a good thing. Repeat to yourself and repeat to your children, "everyone is different and that's okay."
I'm perplexed and saddened when I hear about people that think breastfeeding in public is gross. They will all have different definitions of what is okay and what is not okay. Some say it is okay to breastfeed in public as long as you use a cover. Some say it is okay as long as you are "discreet" (by whose definition though...). Some say you should never breastfeed in front of other people no matter what. Women should hide in the bedroom to feed their children. They should not go out unless they are sure they can fit in that quick errand between feedings or unless they pump and take a bottle with them. If they do get stuck somewhere and it becomes necessary to breastfeed, they should use the bathroom.
I think these are stupid ideas. I really do. I reluctantly accept the fact that they are entitled to their opinion.
How do I show my respect for their opinion? I do try not to "let it all hang out". I don't use a nursing cover because I think it sends the message that breastfeeding is something to be hidden. However, I understand that some people do not want to see my breasts and I try to breastfeed discreetly. That means that I do not show more skin when breastfeeding than would be acceptable for anyone else that is not breastfeeding to show in that same environment. So please, don't have a hissy fit if you see 1 inch of my flesh when your wife is wearing a shirt that shows at least 3 times as much of her breasts. Being discreet isn't always easy if you have a wiggly baby and are trying to keep tabs on a toddler at the same time. But I try. I make that effort. Not for me, but for you.
But people tell me, "I don't want my children to see THAT. I might have to explain it to them and it isn't up to you to decide when I will teach my children about breasts". This is incomprehensible to me. I would think every parent would welcome the opportunity to explain to their child what breasts are really meant for before their child gets exposed to sexualized breasts. But, there are families that formula fed, that think breastfeeding is disgusting, and that regard breasts as sexual only. They don't want their children to see me breastfeeding in public because they think they then have to have a conversation about sex with their kids. All you need to do is to say "some babies drink from bottles, some babies drink from breasts". Period. This is not about sex. It is about feeding babies.
I've had this conversation many times it seems. But most recently on Nina's blog Blog It Out Bitch on her initial post on breastfeeding in public and her recap post the next day. In response to her second post I put up this comment:
I don’t agree with everything in your response, but I think it is really well written and you make a lot of great points.
The one thing that I will still stick on from yesterday’s conversation is the thought around whether it is okay to breastfeed around other people’s children. You said yesterday and again today that it should be up to the parents to decide when they are going to teach their kids what breasts are for and what breastfeeding is. I want to make a few follow-on points to that:
1) The problem is that many parents won’t. They gave formula. They will never talk to their kids about breasts or breastfeeding. Their kids first exposure to breasts will be when their buddy brings a dirty magazine to school or when they start popping out of their own chest. They will learn ONLY about the sexualization of breasts and will go on to be one of those people who think that breastfeeding is sexual or gross or something to be hidden.
2) My kids ask me a LOT of questions. They ask me why that person has a different skin colour from us. They ask me why that person drives a truck. They ask me why that bush has flowers and the other one doesn’t. They ask me why cows poo on the ground and we use a toilet. They ask me why? why? why? all the time. I think that is a good thing because it gives me the opportunity to be the one to provide an explanation to my kids or for us to explore the answer together. It is normal for kids to ask questions about things and I don’t think any kid would think there is anything weird about breastfeeding unless their parents give them a reason to think so. Just say “she is feeding her baby. Some babies drink from bottles and some babies drink from breasts”. Is it really that hard? (this last question is not aimed at you Nina, but at those that suggest that they don’t want their kids to see it).
There were a variety of responses to this, including Mary saying "Annie, as much as you might want it to be, it is NOT your job to teach other peoples’ children about such things" followed by some not so nice words that I don't like to repeat. Nina, whose blog it is, finished off that thread of the conversation by replying to me with:
I happen to agree with you. I don’t think it so hard to simply explain to a curious child what breastfeeding is. But I respect a parent’s right to choose when and how. And though I don’t see the big deal, I can UNDERSTAND if there’s a moment of annoyance when confronted with that while out to dinner.
The conversation there went in many different directions and I was busy with work, family and keeping up with comments on my other post on when to quit breastfeeding, so I didn't have a chance to continue the conversation there. But I keep mulling it over and over and over again. No, it is not my job to teach other people's children about such things, but it is also not their job to tell me when, where and how to feed my baby.
Here is what it comes down to:
- I want to go out to dinner with my family. I want to feed my kids at the restaurant. This means the baby will be breastfeeding. I do not want to put a blanket over my child's head.
- You want to go out to dinner with your family. You want to feed your kids at the restaurant. You do not want to explain to them why my baby is drinking from my breasts. You do not want to put a blanket over your child's head.
You don't want your child to see me feeding my child. Why is that my problem? Why should I stay home while you go to the restaurant? Why should your kids eat at the table, while my kid eats in the bathroom? Why should my child have to have a blanket over her head instead of you putting a blanket over your child's head?
If you don't want to see me breastfeed, it is YOUR problem, not MY problem. Period.
Reader Comments (110)
@ Kate: If you want to use a cover and are most comfortable that way, that is fine. I choose not to.
There are lots of different things that moms do to make themselves feel comfortable nursing in public. Some use covers. Some use nursing clothes. Some, like me, don't use either but choose clothing that will allow me to nurse without showing too much skin (my preferred choice is a low cut tank top that I can pull down with another top over top that I pull up).
In the same way that I do not judge any one mom for her choice to formula feed, I also don't judge any one mom for using a nursing cover. I just think that on the whole, we need more moms to nurse and need more moms to nurse uncovered so that it becomes normalized.
Thanks for the great post! I was most upset reading comments (from the other blog) about NIP forcing a parent to answer their child's questions. I agree with you that if they want to shelter their child from things that is on them. They might not agree with homosexuality but is it ok for them to ask a gay couple not to hold hands? No way. How about an interracial couple? The inappropriateness of a negative reaction to these would not even be debated (in public at least). Yet it is expected that comparing bfing to defecation or masturbation should be, if not accepted, respected as a valid "differing" opinion. Pfft! I will grant no more respect to someone who defines bfing as disgusting than I would if they described an interracial couple the same.
Wow. I agree with you mostly. But only mostly. I'm a gung-ho breastfeeding mom. I'm totally fine with breastfeeding in public. Cover or not. With friends, out and about, wherever.
With one catch.
Where we disagree is your restaurant example. Why should my three-year-old boy see your boobs when we're out to eat? That would only prompt loud comments from him like, "MOMMY, LOOK AT THAT LADY'S BOOBS. BOOBS, MOMMY! DO YOU SEE THEM???" At which point, it is not that you are breastfeeding in a very public place. It is not that you chose not to use a cover out of respect to others at the establishment (regardless of your own beliefs about them). It is that my son - or another child - is now using his not-so-quiet voice to announce to the world that there are boobs on the loose.
But seriously. The offense to me is that you choose to show disrespect towards other "paying customers" who are also using that establishment, who cannot easily choose to go elsewhere, and who may not feel the same way about nursing out in the open. I'm talking about my grandmother here and her generation. Nothing against nursing, simply more concerned with modesty.
Let's be a little bit more respectful of other's opinions and comfort levels!!!
That's my personal rule. Any communal space where others simply cannot or cannot easily change their seats if they are uncomfortable with seeing someone nurse openly. Airplanes. Restaurants. You know what I'm talking about.
The park? Sure. The store? Who cares. But it is arrogant to expect others to be "okay" with what YOU are okay with. Some are not at that point.
So, use a nursing cover at those places. You're not really that much on your soapbox to disallow others this simple courtesy, are you? Please.
@ Marci
First of all, you don't need to worry. You, your son, and your grandmother are very unlikely to see my breasts. I do not use a nursing cover, but at the very most there will be an inch of skin exposed. Again, often less than many other patrons in the same establishment that are not breastfeeding but just happen to be wearing revealing tops. You probably won't even notice that I'm breastfeeding, but if you do, you won't be seeing "boobs" and it is highly unlikely that your son will be screaming "boobs boobs boobs".
Second, you are much more likely to notice that I'm breastfeeding and to see my breasts if I do use a cover because my child will start yelling and screaming and kicking it off and saying "no no no no no". She doesn't like having a cover over her head any more than you, your grandmother or your 3 year old would like to.
Third, my son would not be yelling "BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS" in the restaurant because he doesn't think that boobs are anything out of the ordinary or strange or worth getting all excited about. Noone has ever given him cause to think that way and he has seen plenty of boobs, doing what they are supposed to do, i.e. breastfeeding babies.
Fourth, all children are likely to use their not-so-quiet voice to announce things that they find interesting or out of the ordinary. It is embarrassing, but it is age appropriate and normal. It is not difficult for parents to give an explanation to their kids about those things. Boobs or breastfeeding is just one of many things that a child could loudly comment on or ask about. It doesn't mean that we should start hiding away people with a different skin colour, people with disabilities, people with different clothing, jewelry or make-up. Breastfeeding is no different.
Fifth, I am also a paying customer in that establishment and me and my baby have just as much right you, your grandmother and your three year old have to enjoy our meal in peace.
Last, no, I'm not so much on my soapbox that I can't extend a simple courtesy to others, but that courtesy doesn't involve a nursing cover. It does involve being discreet though. In the post, I said:
hooray for this post!
Before I had kids, I was appalled by nursing moms. I cringed at the sight. Now that I am (still) a nursing mom, I applaud anyone who does it in public. I choose not to because I am not skilled enough to do it discreetly (there would be boobage everywhere).
My children see nothing strange about me, or any other mother, breastfeeding in public. They actually don't even notice it because it is not unusual to them.
I understand that other people have different views and opinions--that is fine. It is not fine however to banish a woman to her home (or the bathroom) when her child is hungry.
I just left an "award" for you on my site.
Marcy,
While I'm not about to go around nursing without a cover, I view women that do so in a favorable light. We currently view the breast as something that needs to be hidden, and as something that is sexual. It's not sexual. It's for feeding our young.
Our society is SO messed up in that regard. We demand that the covering of the breast take precedence over the nourishing of our children. We call full term breastfeeding and child-led weaning 'perverse'. Children are more likely to be exposed to the breast in the soft core p*rn that we call "advertising" and "entertainment" than they are to be exposed to it as something comforting and nurturing.
How messed up is that?
It's a breast. I don't mind seeing them when I eat, although I did mind when I was younger- having never seen many of them. But now that I'm more familiar with the function and now that I've been exposed to photograph after photograph of breastfeeding moms on the internet and in magazines, I no longer mind.
When I started breastfeeding, my mother in law was shocked and attempted to cover me (when I was already covered) with napkins at the table where I was nursing. Now she doesn't even blink (although I think it's because a good 90% of the time she doesn't realize that I'm nursing my 28 month old. I'm that good.)
Exposure desensitizes. You come to realize that the amazingly shocking breast that you just saw... Is a lump of flesh with mammary glands that makes milk for babies. And that the baby sucking on it? Is really really cute and is eating. And it becomes a "so what?" moment.
The great shame of requiring discretion and covering up, is that women like many of the women on this thread will opt not to nurse in public. Instead they will pump and bottle feed, or maybe they'll formula feed when out and about the way my sister did. I remember the first time I nursed in public, I was nearly in tears out of the shame and horror of it all, and out of worry that I'd expose myself, and that people would hate me even though I was fully covered.
Why should breastfeeding mothers be exposed to that level of shame and guilt and fear? WHY? What benefit does it have for society? That some older people will feel a little bit more comfortable? Should interracial families not eat out together because some older people find that uncomfortable?
Sorry. No. Breastfeeding is beneficial for baby, and for society at large as breastfed babies are healthier.
The harm of the "discretion requirement" is far greater than the harm of a few moments of shock and discomfort here and there. Babies end up FORMULA FED because of it, or moms end up pumping and suffering from supply problems.
Sorry, but no. Anyone who is bothered by the sight of a mom nursing her baby has the option to avert their eyes. It really requires very little eye motion unless the mom is up on a stage dancing around, or walking around offering to nurse people at other tables.. (In which case I agree she's a bit overboard)
Honestly, I think these parents should be THANKING you. It's because of you that these kids are going to their parents to ask about breasts (and all that discussion might entail, such as sex and reproduction). Had you not given them that teachable moment, those kids might be learning about it from friends in school instead - and who knows what kind of information they would get then?
When I had my first child I had a very hard time breastfeeding and was given a lot of the wrong information. We ended up having to supplement with formula. I remember how ashamed and embarassed I felt whenever I was out and had to give her a bottle, and how proud and triumphant I felt when I could finally breastfeed her in public. Breastfeeding is beautiful. I have never had anyone give me any dirty looks or ask me to leave (and I have never made any effort to cover up). Whenever I am out and about and I see a nursing mom I always make a point to smile at her or congratulate her. The more nursing mom's we see, the closer we are to normalizing breastfeeding in our society.
[...] Feeding in Public There seems to be a lot of talk lately about breastfeeding in public, but what about formula feeding in [...]
"Why is that my problem?" Well said! And I agree, it isn't your job to teach other people's kids what breasts are for. But there are SO many things in the world I want to shield my own kid from and can't, that I have truly just stopped caring if there are kids around when I feed my son. I still try to be discreet, but y'know, it's the parent's job to address these things.
I am not allowed to ask smokers to stop smoking. If I want my boy to not smoke I need to explain that it's a disgusting habit and icky and stinky. If these are things that people believe about breastfeeding (and, yes, I have heard this) then they can say the same things to their kids. I HATE equating the two, but so many other people seem to.
I want my son to respect his body and other people's bodies. And knowing that a woman's body is capable of sustaining a newborn's life seems like a really great way to start.
Great post - and I agree wholeheartedly.
I only got about half-way through the comments before this caught my eye and I felt the need to respond.
"I’m not sure of the legal aspect of it all, but I think people have the right to ask a NIP uncovered Mom to cover in a public place, but that Mom also has the right to tell that person to sit down and mind their business. "
In many states, discriminating against a nursing mother (i.e. telling her to cover up) is flat out against the law, and states like IL carry an enforcement provision which allow a mother to sue for damages. So, in IL, not only do I have the right to tell you shut up and mind your own business, but I also have the right to collect damages, so you might want to think twice about telling me that your kid doesn't need to see breastfeeding. There are some things your kid is going to see in this world that you're just going to have to deal with.
This is EXACTLY THE SAME as discriminating against a person because of their skin color. If a restaurant owner told a black person they needed to cover up their skin or leave, we'd all know that was a civil rights violation. Yet nursing is a protected status in these states, and somehow this doesn't translate to some people. Discrimination against a black person, or a nursing mother, is exactly the same thing.
People need to get over themselves. You have a neck. Use it to turn your head. Nobody is making you look at my breast.
On a related note - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-elfeminismto&msg=6987.1&x=y
An alarming 41% of the responders to that poll say nursing in public should be limited in one way or another. Only 59% of these "feminists" believe it should be unlimited.
See? Women are the problem with women.
Thanks so much for this post and for this discussion. While I was still nursing my son, after my maternity leave, I had to travel for work. Not wanting to stop nursing and not having pumped enough to leave him at home with his father, I decided to bring both him and my mother on two trips. I still remember snapping at my dear mother who was traveling with me, because she wasn't moving quickly enough to help my hide myself and my son as he screamed waiting for me to feed him. It felt horrible! I never became comfortable nursing in public, although I did it for my son and loved nursing privately or in places where I was comfortable. Ultimately, I wish I had heard the voices of this community of mothers who nurse lovingly and unapologetically. Thanks!
Even when children are brought up with breastfeedin they don't always understand it. I breastfed both mine, they both have at some points or others come with me to the support group that I run. I found it highly hilarious when one asked me "what's that lady doing mummy" after I stopped laughing I explained that they were feeding their baby.
Both of them have also tried to feed their babies themselves which I absolutely love! Knowing that breasts are for breastfeeding can only be a good thing from an early age so I don't understand that argument.
I would imagine that until breastfeeding is "normalised" this argument will rage on - shame really.
actually I'm wondering if, especially at this time of year, farmers should be wandering around their field with large covers so that people don't get offended by calves being fed in public? Or is that okay?
Good for you!!! It has always stuck me as odd when people in public get their panties in a twist about breastfeeding! Its food for a baby! come on! Its not sexual, or disgusting or obscene in the slightest. People who get upset about it are putting their own adult thoughts on what a breast is.
I remember being about 13 years old when a cousin of mine had a baby. She would breastfeed in public but also cover up. I always thought it was the most bizzare thing in the world. I kept thinking "its just food" why would anyone get upset by that? I was always raised with the addage "breast is best" either by being told, or watching my family with their children. It saddens me to see people berate a mother breastfeeding in public.
I have started to go up to women in public who breastfeed and tell them what an amazing thing they are doing! Granted I get a few odd looks from time to time, but I think they should hear it!
The last paragraph says it all! Very well put. Very.
[...] suggesting that breastfeeding in public is disgusting or that women should breastfeed on the [...]
Another great post! I forget whether I've mentioned this before, but: I'm not a mom, but if/when I become one, I'd totally NIP!
My mom bf me & my siblings, my sister b'fed her son, and I can't imagine giving formula. (& hope I wouldn't have a medical condition that would prevent it!)
Cheers!
"If you don’t want to see me breastfeed, it is YOUR problem, not MY problem. Period"
YES. END OF STORY.
[...] What gives you the right? A post on breastfeeding in public, concluding with “If you don’t want to see me breastfeed, it is YOUR problem, not MY problem. Period.” [...]
If I may offer a man's point of view (and don't hit me), I think women should do whatever they are comfortable with. Most of the women I know consider breastfeeding a temporary de-sexing of their boobs for the purpose of being a convenient feeding device, so they might as well enjoy the convenience.
Still, I look, and women should consider that the men around them aren't busy feeding anybody. They're busy being men ;)
Right on! Loved reading the post and all the comments. I never realized NIP was so controversial. I'm the only bfing mom I know irl. My lil girl is 10 months old and we are still nursing. It wasn't easy for me tho. It hurt, I never knew if she was getting enough in the begining, and it was hard to just sit there and let her nurse at first. My fiancé was my only and biggest supporter.
I used to avoid NIP at all cost. I'd go to the bathroom, the car, or just not go anywhere to avoid it. I'd nurse in our bedroom if we had company. Then my sil had her baby. Since this was the first baby/mother I was even remotely close to I couldn't help but to notice the differences in our parenting styles.
She is young. 18. I had my first and only at 28. I chose to bf while they formula feed. I encourged her to bf but formula works best for them. I noticed how lonely they're little girl seemed compared to the closeness I share with my girl. I became fiercely proud of bfing.
Yesterday our family and extended family went to dinner for fathers day. While waiting for our table my lil girl wanted to eat. The place was packed and it was much too hot to go to the car to feed her. So we nursed. Right there. I covered with a blanket only out of my own shyness. The greatest thing happened. I found that I was enjoying the looks I got. My fiancé and I even made a game out of counting the looks I got. 9 different people and one pesky hostess who didn't seem to happy. I almost wanted someone to say something so I could oh so politely tell them what they can do with their opinion.
I keep my opinions to myself about formula feeding. Bfing is the mist natural beautiful thing in the world. So if you don't like it...don't look.
I'm reminded of BFing my newborn son while visiting my daughter's daycare. One boy in particular was *fascinated* and kept asking questions. I told him I was feeding my son. He said "But where is the food? Where does it come from?" I said "From me!" He looked seriously dubious. Must have asked the same questions 7 or 8 times. I wondered what kind of conversation he must have had with his mom/dad that night. (Heh heh.) I tried to be discreet in my answers, though, since as you say, it's up to his parents to teach him such things. But there was no option but to answer him, other than walking away and having him forever think I was doing something unspeakable instead of just feeding the baby.
Funny, though, I think this boy was breastfed, just not recently enough to have remembered it. I was quite glad to be a teacher in that situation, but it was a bit of a fine line, I thought.
I was a bit shy of BF in public at first, but no one ever gave me dirty looks over it. I do think I surprised a few waitresses at times, though. We gave them extra tips for not saying anything. ;-)
This is always such a controversial topic. My opinion is always as long as you feed your baby I don't care how you do it. Want to do formula, great, my daughter was formula fed when I went back to work. Want to breastfeed, awesome, I exclusively breastfed each of my sons. As neither of my boys would touch a bottle (and believe me I tried), I have breastfed just about everywhere. My personal choice when I fed my child in public was to use a light blanket as a cover-up. That was the choice that was the most comfortable for me. I am a very modest person and I didn't like feeling exposed like that. I know very, very little showed, but that's just me. My mom made me several very large, mesh style blankets that were light enough that the baby could see through so it didn't bother him, but I felt covered in. Although I received a few looks over the years about nursing in public, the only comments I heard were about my choice to remain covered. Isn't that crazy? Not about how I was feeding my baby, but about the choice I made for myself. I think that there needs to be some greater understanding that some of us are more comfortable that way and we shouldn't be attacked for that. I know several people who read this will think that they would never say anything to a nursing mother, but they should realize that the comments they make here as well as other places are hurtful as well. I realize my modesty is my issue. I didn't let the lactation consultants in while I was in the hospital because I wasn't comfortable with it, I layer tanks underneath my tops because I feel that some are too low-cut, and I search to all ends of the earth to find appropriate clothing for my daughter. Those are my choices and issues. I don't force my choices on other people and I don't think that women who choose to nurse in public while covered should be slammed for their choice. I would never say a word to another mother nursing her baby with or without a coverup. What does it matter to me how she chooses to do it? If you are comfortable, great. I think that people just need to be a lot more tolerant. As for kids questions, I've been asked them and I have answered as honestly as possible - I'm feeding my baby this way, he doesn't like bottles, etc. 99 percent of the time the child answered ok and walked away. Sometimes too much of an explanation opens up doors to more questions. If you act matter of fact, most children will accept it.
I think I must have been very lucky because I've never gotten a comment about breastfeeding despite doing it on planes, in restaurants, at the mall, on the floor in a store, etc. I try to be as discreet as possible and often cover up, but that's for my own comfort level. I'm breastfeeding in public a lot less this time simply because with twins I find it too stressful to keep interrupting the outing to nurse. People should be able to feed their babies wherever their babies get hungry and can't believe there are so many negative reactions out there - as I said, maybe I've just been lucky to have never had someone say something to me...
What a great post! It had never occurred to me that people might use their children as a way to tell me to stop bfing in public. I use a cover sometimes, but mostly when I need to keep the sun out of my son's eyes or keep him away from something. For example, he is fascinated with trying to lick the edge of restaurant tables. I don't think that people realize that when I do use a cover, it's not really for their benefit, it's for mine. When I do use a cover, it takes me 4x as long to breastfeed because my son spends most of his time trying to figure out why he is covered and less time eating. Likewise, it doesn't seem to occur to people that when they stare or make faces at us, my son assumes that they are playing with him and they see way more than they would have if they would have just minded their own business to begin with. Example here: http://www.dontpatthebelly.com/2009/07/bad-manners-breastfeeding-in-public-and.html
Excellent post. I went back and read the other blog as well. Anyone who uses the term Nazi to describe anything other than Hilter's followers instantly loses my respect. I couldn't even finish reading what she wrote.
It never ceases to amaze me how upset people get about breasts! Kids will notice and inevitably ask questions about all things that they see. It's so odd to me how far we are from nature that the simple act of breastfeeding is such a controversial one.
After the many physical indignities I experienced through pregnancy & childbirth, the last thing that would ever bother me was nursing in public. I was too in awe of what my body could do to be overly concerned about what other people thought. I've nursed all over the place, including a bench on the lawn of my provincial legislature building. (I wasn't making a political point, it was just handily nearby when the baby got hungry!) I was never very good at the fan dance of trying to keep all my bits covered while getting him to latch, so after a couple of weeks of worrying that someone somewhere might get offended, I just did it openly - quickly and turned away from the crowd, but I didn't apologize and didn't go out of my way to hide what I was doing. Once the baby was latched I would turn back to whomever I'd been talking to and carry on.
The "breastfeeding is gross" attitude, in my experience, seems to be a very North American thing. In France, the only reaction I got about breastfeeding in public was the little old ladies who would come up to me to look approvingly at the baby and ooh and ah about his devastating cuteness. :)
New motherhood is hard enough - if we can't support each other, there's something seriously wrong. Whenever I see a mom breastfeeding in public (covered or uncovered), I give her a bright co-conspirator's grin.
Oh my goodness!! I could not have said that any better myself. I hate the idea that I am supposed to feed my baby in the bathroom. I remember when my daughter was 4 weeks old I had to go to a baseball game and my MIL was convinced that I would give my daughter a bottle so I did not have to feed her in "those yucky bathrooms." When I told her that I would not be feeding her in the bathroom she was horrified. I have dealt with a few moms who were outraged but oh well. I hate that people are so outraged by breastfeeding. What in the world is so wrong with breastfeeding? UGH!! People are ridiculous!
[...] What Gives You The Right? – PhD in Parenting [...]
I haven't been following this debate, but I was just linked to this through a message board that I frequent and I totally agree with every word you write. I also wanted to comment on the statement that, "I don’t think it so hard to simply explain to a curious child what breastfeeding is. But I respect a parent’s right to choose when and how. And though I don’t see the big deal, I can UNDERSTAND if there’s a moment of annoyance when confronted with that while out to dinner."
Well what happens when I am out to dinner with my kid and there is a person of a different race or with a physical handicap at the next table and my kid starts asking me questions about them? What if I don't feel like being "confronted" with explaining that to my kid while I'm out to dinner on that particular night? Should that person be asked to leave or cover up? I don't think so.
Thank you!
LOVE IT LOVE IT! My favourite quote: You don’t want your child to see me feeding my child. Why is that my problem? Why should I stay home while you go to the restaurant? Why should your kids eat at the table, while my kid eats in the bathroom? Why should my child have to have a blanket over her head instead of you putting a blanket over your child’s head?
Well said mama! I may not be breastfeeding right now myself, but I will be the first person to agree with you. I'm not going to put a blanket over my son while he drinks from a bottle so WHY would I put a blanket over his head when he's nursing?
[...] fewer people will breastfeed and those that do will be ostracized and discriminated against by the anti-nursing-in-public brigade. This is one of the reasons I think it is so important to breastfeed in public. This is why I think [...]
[...] fewer people will breastfeed and those that do will be ostracized and discriminated against by the anti-nursing-in-public brigade. This is one of the reasons I think it is so important to breastfeed in public. This is why I think [...]
[...] like to see it as a way of demonstrating our right to breastfeed our babies anytime, anywhere and combating a bit of bottle imagery. This will be my fourth time [...]
[...] choices if more barriers are removed. I do use strong words when someone has upset me or when people are sticking their heads in the sand. Sometimes when playing nice isn’t getting you anywhere, you need to add in some shock value. [...]
[...] fewer people will breastfeed and those that do will be ostracized and discriminated against by the anti-nursing-in-public brigade. This is one of the reasons I think it is so important to breastfeed in public. This is why I think [...]
[...] What gives you the right? [...]
[...] feed for updates from my blog.Powered by WP Greet Box WordPress PluginI far too often hear “but I don’t want my children to see THAT” in people’s objections to nursing in public. I think we need our children to see [...]
I advocate breastfeeding in public, and I breastfeed anywhere that my son gets hungry. In my ideal world, every mother would breastfeed their child in public and breasts would be de-sexualized. My breasts became de-sexualized in my world the moment I became a mom, I wish it was sooner. In Africa all mothers feed their children in public, most dont wear tops at all, that and they breastfeed them until age 6 or 7, this is how its supposed to be
That last point is exactly what was roaring through my head as I was reading your post! If a parent doesn't want to be forced to explain the world to their kids, then I'd suggest they keep their kids at home where they won't risk being exposed to the world. People seriously need to figure out how to get over their tender sensibilities so they can lead a happier life and not have to go around being offended at the things other people do that have NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM! Okay. Now, I'll read the rest of the comments;>
This was me about 4 years ago too. I had never seen anyone breastfeed a baby prior to me attending a La Leche League meeting when I was pregnant. And the reason why I started attending LLL meetings was because I was so clueless about breastfeeding. In fact, I brought a notebook at the meetings for me to take down notes.
Anyway, like I mentioned, I had all the gear ready before I even gave birth. Breast pump, nursing cover, you name it, I had it. First I planned on pumping milk in a bottle to give to baby when we're out and about. Second, if I had friends over or for some reason, I did not have pumped milk, I would just cover up. Sounds easy enough.
EXCEPT...
First we struggled with tongue tie. So the introduction of a bottle was delayed until we were comfortable in our latch. At that point, he would not take a bottle anymore.
Second, there was no way in this green earth that my son would let himself be covered. Between flailing arms/legs and a first time mama who barely even knew how to hold a baby, let alone breastfeed said baby, a cover was just not in the cards for us.
So I guess even if I initially started as a mom who was not comfortable with breastfeeding or breastfeeding in public, the discomfort and stress of having a hungry, screaming baby (who does not choose a time nor place to need to nurse) kind of made my own breastfeeding issues seem trivial.
Well, let me start by saying that I am completely for BF, including in public. I have BF all 4 of my kids and wouldn't think of doing it any other way. Now, I have NO issues about having to "explain" anything to my kids about it, but I am also a BF Mommy, so they already know by seeing anyway. To those people who complain that we are forcing a discussion with their kids about breasts, I suggest they petition all stores nationwide, concerning the disgusting magazines at the checkout counter that expose WAY to much skin to our children. ;) Until they complain about that, they really have no right to complain about breastfeeding.
Ok, now to my main point, that I don't seem to see mentioned anywhere! I actually have a little problem with the BF Moms, who don't bother to try to cover or be discreet in any way. BF is not gross, it is wonderful. However, because of our culture breasts are sexualized. It is NOT ok to walk around in public showing your breasts, so why do people think a nursing mother is above that law? To those who said that people who complain about that, don't complain about other women's low cut tops, you are wrong. Some, like me, do care about both. Now frankly, I could care less myself, as I am a woman, so I don't care what I see of another woman. However, my husband is doing everything in his power to avoid seeing other women nude/provocatively dressed in any way shape or form. So we avoid places where that would be an issue. But if BF Moms think they have the "right" to show you their entire breast without caring at all, then that just makes My husband have no place to go where he can be safe from that. Now I am not saying that any of you "try" to flash people. But honestly, I have actually talked to BF Moms, who thought it was funny that they gave a completely nude breast view to others. They went as far as to say they gave everyone around them a "show". Nice. That does not make me happy at all, and I feel people like that are the ones who give BF a bad name.
I always try to at least cover up, or try to hide as much of my breast as possible. For one thing, I am fairly modest and think my breasts are not for other men to be seeing, and for another, I respect other people's right to not have to see me partially nude either. Yes, I will probably get attacked for saying these things, I usually do. Which is really sad, because like I said, I am 100% for BF!!! The problem comes in, when BF mothers feel they are above the law and do not have to worry about "flashing" others. I always smile when I see a woman BF her baby, when done in a respectful way. (which for the most part is the case) But I have also seen a couple of instances where the lady literally let her breast hang out all the way, even after the baby came off, so she was entirely exposed. Sorry, but that is completely innapropriate and disrespectful, and my husband and I were not in the least pleased.
Now some of the people who argue with me about this issue, think that we should all be able to walk around topless, BF or not. So, these people obviously don't have a respect for others who try to avoid seeing women in that sexual way. Those same women told me, that my husband just needs to look away if he doesn't want to see it. Nice. So AFTER he sees it, because he didn't have a choice, he is supposed to look away? Um, obviously he ALREADY saw. GRRR
I think if all BF mothers were more discreet with the amount of breast that they allow shown, there wouldn't be as much of an issue with BF in public. I always cover up, or hide as much as possible, and would never in any circumstance be showing my nipple, etc. And I have never had a bad look or anything negative. But I do this in a respectful way of others. Yes, there will always be the few who might complain anyway, but I think more people would become accustomed to it, if more BF mothers were more discreet. Just my long 2 cents worth. ;)
Actually, there are several places where going topless is perfectly legal, in both Canada and the U.S.:
http://www.gotopless.org/page.php?4
Your husband might be embarrassed by seeing boobs, and that's too bad. But no one is being hurt here. Boobs were made for babies. I hope he doesn't watch too much of the History or Discovery channel shows, or he might have to avert his eyes when they do stories on tribal peoples.
I have breastfed in public literally all over the country, wherever my current baby was hungry. I usually use a sling, and often have a breastfeeding top on, too. So, generally, no one can tell what we're doing. Personally, I would never use one of those breastfeeding cover things, partly because I can't imagine a baby putting up with being covered like that past a few months old, and partly because they are about the LEAST discreet things anyone ever thought up, IMO. You may as well screen print all of them with "Baby Being Breastfed NOW". They're about as discreet as a billboard. And what mama needs yet ANOTHER piece of baby gear to haul around?
Really a lot of this comes down to people remembering that they are responsible for their own happiness to a greater degree than we like to think. You don't like the person in the skimpy outfit in front of you? You totally have the power to not look. Your child asks a question that you don't want to answer? Tell them you'll talk about it at a later date. We tend to make other people responsible for things WE DO HAVE come control over. It's insane.
I also find it sad that with all the talk about bullying these days, and with all the talk about loving people for who they are on the inside, people are not realizing that when we call other people names and judge them and treat them differently based on their appearance (revealing clothing mostly in this thread), we are really no better. We're insulting them, making them uncomfortable or defensive, and we're judging books by their covers. Not okay. Not one bit.
(and I nursed in public with no cover, I'm envious of heavier women who are comfortable with their bodies, and I'm not perfect in that I also make little comments about people...but I work on it...just to put a little of "me" into the post :))
I think the comment about your husband having to choose not to look after he has already seen it is just part of living with millions of other people on this Earth (I suppose technically he *could* get around town without looking above people's waists and he'd reduce the chances of seeing breasts, but that's not realistic, LOL). While I don't agree with the cockiness that some women have with purposefully flashing people, I definitely don't think we can all walk around on eggshells for fear that someone might see/smell/hear something that they wish they hadn't. If that were the case, I would propose that the news channels and papers stop reporting on things that break my heart but cannot be changed (can I really do anything about the child who was murdered by her parents? If you want to report on post partum depression or mental breakdowns, so be it, but do I really need the details about this death?), perfumes be made illegal because they irritate other people's noses and mostly contain carcinogens, etc. Yes, I think it's great to be respectful of others, but we all have different ideas of what is respectful (showing arm? showing ankles? making eye contact? heck, I know women who are insulted when someone tries to help them with their stroller!), and honestly I just think that if the other person doesn't have bad intentions, we need to chalk it up to living on a populated planet. *shrug* Give people the benefit of the doubt, put on our big girl panties and move on.