Sunday
Jun082008
The effect of shame
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Parents like us that don't spank, need to find other alternatives for discipline. However, it is important to remember that verbal abuse can be as detrimental as physical abuse and we need to choose our words carefully when reacting to our children's behaviour.
Those are just some of the examples of the type of language that makes kids feel bad about themselves, rather than bad about what they did. This type of language may change the behaviour temporarily, but the child doesn't really understand why it was inappropriate and it has long lasting effects on the child's self esteem and opinion of themselves.
When I was growing up, kids were cruel, really cruel to each other. Using shaming language towards peers and siblings was normal. I think that unfortunately, this means that the first impulse of our generation in many cases is to use shameful language when confronted with behaviour that we don't like. This makes it difficult as parents to choose the right words and not fall into the trap of using shameful language. I get the sense with anti-bullying programs in schools these days that it is less tolerated and I hope that the next generation will have an easier time avoiding this type of language.
What is the alternative?
I think I generally do well with the first two. However, the last one is often more difficult. It is tough explaining the consequences of actions to a three year old that doesn't understand complex situations. Or when the consequences of a child's actions aren't immediate, but are more long term the consequences can be too abstract. I need to get better at keeping it simple without boiling it down as far as "that was dumb".
Further reading: This excellent article on the effects of shame explores the issue from several angles: Good children - At What Price?
You're stupid
What a baby
That was really dumb
You're a bad girl
Those are just some of the examples of the type of language that makes kids feel bad about themselves, rather than bad about what they did. This type of language may change the behaviour temporarily, but the child doesn't really understand why it was inappropriate and it has long lasting effects on the child's self esteem and opinion of themselves.
When I was growing up, kids were cruel, really cruel to each other. Using shaming language towards peers and siblings was normal. I think that unfortunately, this means that the first impulse of our generation in many cases is to use shameful language when confronted with behaviour that we don't like. This makes it difficult as parents to choose the right words and not fall into the trap of using shameful language. I get the sense with anti-bullying programs in schools these days that it is less tolerated and I hope that the next generation will have an easier time avoiding this type of language.
What is the alternative?
- Have reasonable age appropriate expectations.
- Model the way you want your children to behave.
- Show emotion and express anger where appropriate, but don't direct it at the child. Instead direct it at the child's actions and the impact of the actions.
I think I generally do well with the first two. However, the last one is often more difficult. It is tough explaining the consequences of actions to a three year old that doesn't understand complex situations. Or when the consequences of a child's actions aren't immediate, but are more long term the consequences can be too abstract. I need to get better at keeping it simple without boiling it down as far as "that was dumb".
Further reading: This excellent article on the effects of shame explores the issue from several angles: Good children - At What Price?
Reader Comments (11)
I am trying against all of my upbringing and familial and friendly advice to bring my children up without spanking. I succeeded, for the most part, with my daughter who is now 4 and is a fairly well-behaved child. But my 2 year old son is a constant challenge! I honestly don't think he can make it to 3 without a spanking and in fact he received one the other day. I feel terrible and like I have betrayed both of us. But honestly I don't know what to do. I have read books and books and can't find a strategy that works for us. Today between 10:00 am and 12:00pm he was in the "naughty chair" for no less than 12 times. And is still repeating the behavior. Added to this dilemma is the fact that we are away from home, staying with relatives, in a non-childproof house, while I deal with him and a terminally ill parent who needs constant attention. I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do. I would appreciate the advice of anyone who has "been there" and could give real and practical suggestions. Thanks.
I think it is great that you are trying to do things differently than those around us. It is tough though to break away from the way that you have been parented and the way that others parent around you. It often means stopping and thinking before acting, since your impulse may be based on what you are used to rather than what you know is best.
I'm not sure what books you have read, but one that I find extremely helpful for dealing with spirited (or "difficult") children is Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It will help you to understand why your child acts the way he does and provides very practical guidance for working with him.
[...] a last resort. However, they should never involve spanking (or other physical abuse), never involve shaming, and always need to be combined with an explanation of why the behaviour was damaging so that the [...]
I've found lots of useful info and books from the Love and Logic institute located in Colorado. I've been to one of their workshops - excellent. They often work with schools & teachers as well. Many of there books are tailored to the age of your child.
Jeannette,
I haven't read the books or attended any of the workshops myself, but my understanding from what I've read about it is that this approach does use shame as one suggested technique to get kids to behave. If that is the case, it isn't something I would support.
That said, I have heard good things about the book as well from people that I have a lot of respect for and have heard others say that if you implement it with empathy and nurturing that there are good ideas in it.
But I guess I'll withold my endorsement of it until I learn more.
Here are a few of the places where I read about the book and its author:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/archive/index.php/t-850754.html
http://childrenintherapy.org/proponents/cline.html
Do you have any free resources that you can suggest if I want to get a better idea of the approaches suggested in Love and Logic without buying the book(s)?
Okay, I checked in with my friend that I had heard good things about the book from and she said she only liked 1/4 of it. And she agreed that the stuff said about the author in the link above (http://childrenintherapy.org/proponents/cline.html) is pretty awful.
[...] I stand up for the rights of all women to make their own choices. But I also think it is important that we be compassionate human beings and good parents. I wonder if Sarah Palin is blind to what she is doing to Bristol, if she is just selfish, or if she is perhaps trying to punish her daughter using shame. [...]
[...] that parents may use to try to control their children. I consider it abuse to spank a child or to shame a child. On the other end of the spectrum is neglect, where the parents are indifferent and often [...]
[...] a last resort. However, they should never involve spanking (or other physical abuse), never involve shaming, and always need to be combined with an explanation of why the behaviour was damaging so that the [...]
Dont be hard on yourself. I personally have experienced the right type of spanking (not beating) and the wrong type of spanking. The right kind was issued by my father and always left me feeling love and cared for, the wrong kind left me feeling humilated and shamed. The studies that show damage from spanking dont deferiente that the negative finding may be coming all from kids who were spanked in an inappropriate manner. My dad was very methodical and non angry with his spankings. He would sit us down and have a long talk with us about our behavior and its consquences so that we fully understood he loved us and was TRULY doing it to help us get ahold of ourselves and teach us to discipline our own selves and help us remember next time. He would only give you three or four licks only on the butt and then it was over and he hugged you and reminded you of how wonderful a person you were and it was just a moment in time and a lack of judgement and now was over. My mom would spank you all over and on every single syllabel as she got her emotional release all out on you. You were so angry when you left the room you just wanted to kill her. Nothing she did worked. Yet, all my dad had to do was lift his eyebrow and we were able to discipline ourselves and stop what we were doing immediately because we understood inately that things were getting out of hand. It was actually a relief to know he was watching us even when we didnt realize it. Made us all feel secure. So dont beat yourself up about the spanking just how you perform it.
Spanking always has negative effects. People who are really concerned with punishment I find to be the most abusive or traumatising. Spanking has been shown to have serious negative effects on mental health.