The Family Dinner: Is it "All That"?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
I love the book The Family Dinner. I really do. But I love it in the same way that I love magazines like Style at Home or Luxury Travel Magazine -- it is visually appealing, inspiring, and makes me salivate at the mouth. It is life porn. In The Family Dinner, the food is perfect, the table settings are perfect, the table manners are perfect, and the dinner conversation is perfect. But it just isn't, nor will it ever be, my life.
So I was relieved this week when I read my friend Julie Cole's post Feeding Time at the Zoo. Julie wrote:
It’s not news – families that eat together regularly are better and the rest of us suck. Time Magazine reports that the more often families eat together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide. They have a better chance of doing well in school, delaying having sex, eating their vegetables, learning big words and knowing which fork to use.
Julie then goes on to explain the practical and emotional reasons why family dinner isn't one of her priorities. Go read it.
The reality, in our home, is that we do eat together as a family most nights of the week. Yes, we're doing what the studies say we are supposed to be doing. But I must admit that I don't cherish those family dinners. Someone always hates the food. Almost everyone is distracted and their attention gets turned to everything but the food on the table. Things get spilled (often my wine while I'm reaching for yet another squirt of ketchup demanded by the kids to disguise the taste of real food). Everyone talks at the same time. The kids always need to go to the bathroom during dinner, frequently both of them at the same time. No one is hungry, yet they are all starving 30 minutes later when dinner has been packed up or thrown away. Ultimately, family dinners are what they are -- a part of our routine and a way to get food into growing children. But they are certainly not idyllic nor are they truly a time to connect. To be frank, I'm lucky if I manage to connect my food with my mouth.
What I cherish so much more than those family dinners are one-on-one meals with my kids. At the moment, I have a standing Thursday evening date with Emma while Julian goes to swimming lessons. We often go to a restaurant (where someone else can be blamed if she doesn't like the food) and we have time to talk as we wait for our food to be served to us. We can have one-on-one conversation without anyone else trying to speak on top of us or asking for "more ketchup." These dates with my kids, like bedtime, are true opportunities to connect.
As Julie wrote about her childhood:
Meaningful conversation didn’t always happen around our table, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. My memories credit family walks and bedtime tuck-ins as those special moments and important times.
That isn't to say that there isn't anything I can take away from a book like The Family Dinner. There are great ideas and recipes in it that may inspire or move me at particular times. I adore the book, I really do, but it will never be my Bible. Connecting with my kids in ways that are meaningful to us will always be at the top of the agenda, while the life porn books and magazines will continue to be flipped through while sipping a latte or drinking a glass of wine and dreaming about a fantasy world.
What does "feeding time" look like in your home? Do you all eat together as a family? Is it a time to connect?
Reader Comments (76)
Fantastic post! We started family dinners when our first child was 4 (up until then, we'd usually eat late, after she'd gone to bed, and she'd eat at a plastic table in front of the TV...sigh). We're pretty committed to them, and manage to do it most nights of the week. But like you say, they aren't the ideal affairs one might imagine, and your description sounds like you've been here for at least a meal or two! Still, I think all the complication and messiness is part of what makes them as valuable as they are--we may not connect in deep ways, but I think seeing all the craziness together is meaningful in its own right. Often I feel proud that even with being pulled in a million directions, food complaints, spilled drinks, and bums needing wiping in between bites, we do it anyway and we keep coming back for more.
I like this. I feel pressured to have family dinners even though they don't really work for us and our family's schedule. I've given up and will try when our kids are a bit older. Eating dinner in front of Entertainment Tonight with my dad are among my favourite childhood memories.
I think that family dinners with young children are not fun! (I have worked in day care and lunch with 20 four year olds is even less fun - believe me), but I think connecting as a family is only one of the reasons to eat as a family. When kids are young I think that eating most dinners together is important for all sorts of reasons - conversation, manners, seeing parents eat a variety of foods and just the benefit of routine and the building of future relationships. I think that having that base routine in place for kids as they become teens is beneficial - teen need routine too - make 'em feel safe (even though they wouldn't admit it).
We had just started having dinner all together most nights of the week when Donovan was 2.5... and then his baby brother was born, and all that has flown out the window.
The thing is, I don't think there's anything magical about sitting down as a family for dinner. It's like the magazines that take a study done about how if dads do household chores with their kids, those kids end up doing X, Y, Z better... and the conclusion drawn is that dads should sit down and fold laundry with their kids every week. Sure, that's probably a good idea, but what's most likely happening is that the dinner/chores thing is not the CAUSE of those better results, but a habit that families who tend to be more connected to their kids already are more likely to do. So as you said, the import thing is building those connections-- the how isn't necessarily important.
As an aside, I know of at least one family that has given up on family dinners due to schedules, etc, and instead make a point of having breakfast as a family every morning, or even just one morning of every week. That family's kids are also a good bit older (10 & 12yrs), the family mealtime may be a bit less hectic and more meaningful then... ; )
Yeah I keep reading about family dinners and knowing we need to work harder at them, but it's so hard! My kids are best eating around 5 or 5:30pm, and it's just HARD to get everything ready for that time for them and us, especially since we just do not cook particularly well or often. If we're doing take out and I get a salad and Brad gets ribs, the theory that kids should eat what we eat goes out the window, and it's just nicer to have time to connect with my husband after the kids are in bed than struggle for all four eating at 5:30pm. With little ones, they can't get the stuff they need during the meal, like wet cloths and extra this or more that, and it's easier on me to just sit with them while they eat, get what they need, teach them to ask politely and not interrupt conversations, and not also try to stuff dinner into my face amid all the interruptions. Maybe when they're older....we will all get takeout together!
We always eat breakfast and dinner together as a family. Kids are 6,4,2 and yes, they're messy, but it isn't a bad chaos. It starts as a family process where the kids set the table, parents serve, then we all eat and go 'round the table talking about the day or play games or make jokes or do magic tricks. Lately our oldest has been bringing a reference book to the table and asking us jeopardy-type like "What animal has baleen instead of teeth." Mom and I yell "Whale!", tie, mom wins in a tie for some reason. Then, when everyone is done, everyone cleans up except the cook -- the cook doesn't have to put anything away. I think the games and conversation is what keeps the meal sane.
Some ideas we use frequently:
Jeopardy as described
Letters: We say a letter and everyone has to come up with a word starting with that letter. Great for the younger kids and we make it harder for the 6 year old by restricting his choices like has to be an animal, or has to be 3 syllables or something.
Math: We just ask each kid creative math problems.
Imitation: We each try to imitate other people from the family.
Singing: We each sing a song and the others judge if it was good or not.
Tricks: We try whatever we can do that other people won't, like make noises, do the Spock-hand, rub our bellies and tap our heads at the same time
Seated charades,
Guess what I'm thinking,
Twenty questions,
Etc etc. Anything really.
It's something to look forward to daily. I think it's important to get it from "Feeding" into an special and fun event. Anyway, each family is different. My wife insisted that we have a policy that "nobody leaves the table before everyone's done" and it evolved easily into awesome-time.
So funny. Your family dinners sound a lot like mine - spills, complaints, sudden realizations that they forgot to go to the bathroom. One twin won't go to the bathroom without the other and EVERYONE is hungrier a half hour AFTER dinner.
I love the expression 'life porn' - mine is Real Simple magazine. And most of my friends would rather look at beautifully set tables and organized closets than anything else . . .
Funny - I was just thinking about family dinners this week, with the vague sense of feeling guilty that probably 4 nights a week, our "family dinner" consists of all 5 of us scavenging in the kitchen for leftovers, making individual sandwiches, or chowing down on a bowl of cold cereal. Not all together, but generally within a 2 hour window of time. The idea that family dinner is sacred is so pervasive that I was feeling slightly bad, even though my family has so much together time it's a little ridiculous. My kids are homeschooled by my stay-at-home husband, I am home for 1 hour every workday for lunch, and most of our entertainment activities are done as a family (in part because our oldest is only 10). Nothing to feel guilty about there!
Like the others have said, connecting as a family is important. It doesn't have to be done over dinner (or over family dinner), especially with younger kids. Our dinners may change when the little ones' food preferences broaden, when their tolerance for conversation around ideas and feelings grows, when my work schedule changes, when my husband gets a food preparation bee in his bonnet, but until then, we'll generally find our connection time elsewhere. :)
Wow, family dinners in our house are insane. We have four kids under 8, and a large dog that likes to steal food every time we're not looking! =) Dinner at this point is NOT a deep connection point for us, but rather a frenzied attempt to keep farting and food spitting to a minimum. But I think that the point, with the eating together and the positive research outcomes, isn't that dinner is a deep or meaningful quality time. I think the positive outcomes are proof that happy, secure kids grow in homes where life is happening in real time, but you're all together. I haven't read the book; maybe she idealizes the dinner table. But I always thought it one of those ironic life truths, that healthy kids grow out of this ridiculous chaos that is mealtimes, somehow, some way.
I hear you, though, on tossing the idea of dinner in favour of something that works for individual families. Perhaps it's kind of like those research studies that show breastfed babies have all these health benefits, and then you read the study itself and it includes babies who received ANY breastmilk at all, and doesn't differentiate between exclusively breastfed babies and those who are fed mixed feedings for two weeks and formula thereafter. The results show good health outcomes for any baby getting breastmilk, but if we lined up the exclusively breastfed babies in a separate category, the health benefits would be more evident.
Same with the dinner table: families where eating together is their only source of connection are lumped with attachment parenting families where the dinner table is one of a vast number of connection points. Separate out the attachment families and I bet the dinner table doesn't make much difference.
Maybe too, our kids aren't that old yet. When they are teenagers and involved in this and that activity, the dinner table could be more important. Oh, and much less of behavior modification and more conversation. Of course, teenagers are famous for not talking much, but I could see how eating together once a day could be more important in that phase of life.
But this wasn't the point of your post! I think you're right. AP parents are already connecting with their kids, so the dinner table is less important for positive outcomes as our kids grow up. =) I just wanted to mull over different thoughts I had in response!
=)
How funny, I was just writing about this (http://comeparentwithme.com/2011/05/26/food-fight/). I have been feeling guilty that I loathe family dinners so much, especially when we've been told that it's really the only way to get our very fussy eater to expand his food repertoire. Oh, how I dread them so. And then I realised I was trying too hard (but that's just my style), that really, our kids are probably not old enough and instead of 5 nights a week, I'm aiming for 2. Thanks for this!
Luckily, my kids are no worse behaved at meals than any other time, so dinner isn't a source of conflict. I sit down and eat with the kids but without DH around 5:30 because 1- they are slow eaters, 2- I like them to go to bed pretty early, and 3- I'm hungry by then myself. My husband is probably the pickiest eater among us (though he makes a good show of eating everything without complaint in front of the kids), so if it's something I think he'll like, I make enough for him to reheat later. Otherwise, he fends for himself. Sometimes he makes it home in time for dinner with us but usually he just waits till the kids have gone to bed. So, I sit down with him then, sometimes with a snack for myself.
But my kids are still young (ages almost 2 and just 4). I'm sure things will have to change once they're in evening activities and going to bed later. I like the idea of family breakfast for when family dinner is too chaotic.
We do what works (as with everything). It's nice to have everyone at the table, but at 5 my daughter still can't eat and carry on a conversation at the same time. Sometimes she can't even sit still at the table, or it all gets cut short when the 14mo throws his food on the floor. So we don't let it change our other activities -- if it happens, it happens, sometimes it goes smoothly and is pleasant, and other times it doesn't. It doesn't concern me all that much.
I do cherish one-on-one time a lot more, especially now that my 5yo is at school and can really converse.
I always think its funny how literally people take these studies. Science is done one variable at a time so that it's tidy and quantifiable, but obviously in vivo situations are dynamic and multivariate. Dinner is really just a scientific metaphor for a family where the parents have manageable commitments outside of the home that allow them to be available to the kids at predictable times; a family where time spent all together is made a daily priority; a family where the two aforementioned circumstances allow the parents to notice when their kids are on the verge of trouble and head it off proactively.
That aside, as a foodie the important component of meals for me is that they're eaten at the table, even if the whole family isn't there. What we put in our bodies (ketchup or otherwise!) is the foundation of our health and I do think from that perspective it's worth disconnecting, sitting down and focusing for a handful of minutes.
My little one is ten months old, and we park her in her high-chair while we eat. We give her some strawberries or asparagus spears, and that keeps her occupied while we eat. It's better than putting her in her playpen, which isn't her favourite place (she tends to cry when she's in there).
Dinner works for us now; I work full time and my kids are 3 and 6. There is whining some nights but most of the time dinner is not traumatic. I remember family dinner as a stressful time growing up. My younger brother was a non-eater and my dad would always be brusquely telling him to eat more. And we had to eat fast b/c dad wanted to catch the network news afterward. So it was never "ooo how was your day, my treasure?" It was more like "how was school" "I dunno" "what do you mean you don't know?" "I dunno?" *annoyance*
I grew up in a strict household and when my father came in from working on the farm we were all sitted at the table and ate dinner in peace. So sitting together can also have a negative impact if it the values aren't there. There was no talking about how our day was or enjoying each others presence. My parents had good intentions but in their minds dinner was to be a quiet time. Now, with my own small family with my Husband and 2 year old we try our best to sit down to eat dinner together but it is nearly impossible for my husband to join us due to his work schedule. There are struggles with my 2 year old's manners (like throwing food on the floor to the dog) or not eating certain items on his plate, but for the most part we treasure this time together and laugh and engage with eachother because it doesn't happen that often. We pick other times of the day (usually the morning and before bed) to have our more meaningful one-on one-conversations. It's what works for us!
Annie, this is so spot on. An early childhood research came out a few years ago saying just this- it's not about sitting around the table and eating together {although that's a nice routine to have, and one that our family does do}. It's about the talk, the listening and the *hearing.* The important take away is to find a time to connect. I love the one-on-one dates that you've implemented.
I haven't read the book and don't plan to, but this post brought back memories of how chaotic mealtime can be when kids are young, especially if parents are working full time and have pick kids up from daycare, get dinner on the table, etc.
The scenario is really different now that my kids are middle school/high school age. Because of their increased independence and after school activities, it's not easy to sit down to a meal together. But we still make the attempt to do it a couple of times a week and certainly on a weekend - and almost more importantly, prepare meals (and clean up) together. The kids develop nutritional literacy, understand that meals don't magically appear via house elves, and are able to express their own food preferences. So I think the dynamic of the family meal can change quite a bit as kids grow up - but yes, certainly, there's a point where it's feeding time at the zoo.
Funnily enough, the high chair days were the most peaceful in our home. Our babies always sat with us at the table (unless they were napping) and they were generally happy to be in their high chair with food and/or toys. It was once they moved to chairs where they could freely get up and down and once they acquired the words to express their displeasure with what was on the table that things became complicated.
I think commenter Marcy is probably spot on with the skeptical observation about causality!
That being said, we do family dinners every night because they work for us. I grew up eating family dinners every night and they were an important part of my childhood.
We are big foodies and my husband and I both love to cook. We don't always eat at the dining room table; a few nights a week, if our 9yo daughter's homework is done, we gather around the laptop in the living room (no TV!) and watch something on Hulu (usually a food show like Jamie Oliver or Hell's Kitchen. One night a week, we eat out. I think our 7 month old baby, who is just starting to experiment with (baby led weaning) solid food, gets a little of whatever veggies we're eating and seems to enjoy dinnertime in his highchair or our laps.
We're a busy family, and I like dinner as a way to reconnect at the end of the day, but like I said, it works for us for some pretty specific reasons and may not be great for anyone else!
Yeah, things will get interesting once my girl starts talking and expressing her opinions on dinner. There are very few foods she's disliked so far, but who knows if that will last.
My parents always used to say "We're not running a restaurant here, so eat what's on the table." I'm a chef, though, so I can't really get away with that one :).
Terrific post! Last weekend I moderated a BlogHer Food panel about blogging when you've got a picky eater, and this book came up several times as an amazing inspiration. I love the idea of family dinners--and I think my son's pickiness began in part because we didn't do it when he was small, so he never saw us eating--but he's 4 1/2. We've done family dinner almost every night for the last 18 months, but we don't have memorable conversations. I imagine that will come with time, but for now it's all about pretending to ignore the fact that he's not really eating. More stressful than enjoyable.
Mine are 4 1/2 and almost 7, and they both love to go out to eat. Eating together at a restaurant is usually much more pleasurable and relaxing than eating at home. Maybe because the pressure is off me, or because I'm not thinking ahead to the laundry that needs to be folded or whatever, or maybe because a meal out is usually without time limits.
Dinner at home tends to be rushed. We have to squeeze dinner in between homework and softball practice, or I'm at work late and they eat with my mom. Particularly during the school year, we're just too busy for the leisurely meal. It's easier in the summer when we have no particular plans.
Having grown up with significant body issues that I still struggle to throw off, and a relationship with food that can be best described right now as an uneasy truce, I will not make mealtime a battle ground. I cook one meal for everyone and they choose how much and what they eat. Period. If they want ketchup, they know where the fridge is.
I think a lot of parents to young children are tempted to use meal time to do other things. When mine were younger, breakfast and lunch were some of the few times they were sitting and occupied, so it was very tempting to try to do laundry or empty the dishwasher or some other chore without being interrupted. I still do this at breakfast, because I'm not a big morning food person, and breakfast is the time I'm getting them out the door to school. But I have found when I make the effort to sit down with them at lunch and chat, they frequently come up with questions or observations I wouldn't otherwise hear.
That's not to say that mealtime is the only time to do that. A friend of mine with teenagers uses time in the car to casually start conversations about things she thinks are important, like drinking or drugs or what's going on in school. Personally, I think this is a great way to connect with teenagers who might be embarassed with too much eye contact, KWIM? If you're driving, you have an excuse to talk without looking at them too much.
Love this. I am not a big fan of dinner time because the kids are tired/ my 2 year old hates everything I put in front of him/ my 4 year old daughter eats in 5 minutes and wants to go and play/ I barely taste my food. It isn't always enjoyable. But we do spend a lot of quality time together. It isn't just always at dinner time.
(A great time to talk while we eat though is breakfast. That is much more enjoyable)
In our house some of us eat together at the dinner table every night but the same reasons you find it challenging, so do we. Because of different school schedules I get to eat breakfast with each of my boys alone. Then they're home from school at 11:30 and while school is still fresh in their mind we can talk about it over lunch. 4pm snack is also an easier time to connect because they aren't yet exhausted from the day. Now that spring is here our evenings are spent outside playing, at TBall, or I'm running so our meals take place in two shifts, one before and one after (whatever activity we've planned). I figure it doesn't matter if its dinner, lunch or breakfast, as long as I'm sitting down at some point during the day to talk to them.
My childhood family dinner times taught me lots of things from gross and fine motor skills (serving up and eating using a knife and fork) social manners, maths (how many forks will we need), politics and how to argue effectively (my dad and his dad were always arguing over politics) and so many other things. When my husband and I had kids we decided that we wanted to have family mealtimes too and apart from lunch on weekdays and our friday night (date night!) supper we eat every meal together. It was rather stressful and still can be at times as our kids can be very picky eaters but we've decided to lighten up on how much they eat. (Every item on the plate has to be healthy and we only get treats if we've managed our 5-a-day.) I'm really hope there will be pay-offs for the kids as they get older but for me the real benefit is having all my family with me twice a day, I want to remember these precious times as they get older!
I'm going to have to ask my mother-in-law about this because she somehow did family dinners every night with all 6 of her kids...yes six! And without chaos, so I'll have to ask her for her "secrets". We do family dinner almost every night, but it is admittedly sometimes on the couch together instead of at the table. We did family dinners growing up (I have 2 siblings) and I certainly don't remember there being chaos. I do remember asking to be excused prior to leaving the table(and we certainly weren't allowed to use the restroom during the meal...we did have to wash our hands and do anything else we needed in the bathroom before we ate) and asking politely to pass the salt etc. I think imaybe many people aren't setting the bar high enough for dinner time with little ones.
Setting the bar high enough?
I believe she's puzzled as to why there are so many comments about chaos at dinner time with one or two children when her parents and in-laws didn't have chaos with 3 or 6 children. I believe "The bar" refers to expectations. Perhaps we don't expect enough order to successfully have dinner with little children. If that's what she means then I agree: Neither my wife nor I remember chaotic family dinners and we don't experience chaos at our house.
That said, the holiday family dinners at my aunt's house were terrible with our cousins always leaving the table early and complaining throughout.
I'm mainly commenting to say I love the term "life porn" and plan to steal it ;) I also have this book and really enjoy flipping through it and cooking the recipes but I really don't get who she's talking to with the preachy tone. If you already have family dinners you don't need the lecture and if you don't you probably feel, well, lectured.
I am a big believer in the family dinner and I absolutely will do everything to make it work. Kids hungry early? Give 'em snacks. No time to cook? Pre-prep and freeze. Kids hate the food? Meal plan together. Etc. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and if they weren't eating I don't think I would get a chance to eat or talk to my husband. It's the only time they are relatively still and quiet.
Just because it works for us though doesn't mean it's the only way. Every family has their own rituals to connect. I think dinner just gets highlighted because it's almost universal - everybody eats - so it's a convenient, if not very accurate, way to compare one family to another.
Annie, I found 2 to 4 to be challenging for sit down dinners and you have two kids on either side of 4 so I can just imagine the crazy! It does get better and I think family dinners are part of the gentle civilizing of small people.
We manage to have family dinners 5 to 6 days a week, despite the two older kids schedules and the insanity of an almost 3-year-old at the end of a long day. It isn't always perfect or idyllic, there are squabbles and there were ugly stretches where my spouse and I didn't react very well to poor manners.. but most of the time, it is our time of day to check in with each other. I can figure out how people's days went by their attitude and we do talk about many, many things. We have even added saying a poem or blessing and "cheers" at the beginning of the meal to the 3-year-old's delight.
Alex:
I know what "the bar" means. I'm hoping that Maman A Droit will clarify how she would raise the bar. I have some thoughts about it, but don't want to jump to conclusions before I understand better how she would propose to do that.
Mine are 4 and 6 now.
Glad you liked "life porn." I've seen "food porn" and "shoe porn" before and it just seemed to fit.
Ah, I thought they were 3 and 5. Still, I can understand the chaos. 4 and 6 are exuberant ages. 4.5 was the peak of "get up to pee in middle of dinner" for #1. It was an ugly time at dinner as it drove me bonkers. When I read it was a developmental stage in the Gessel Institute 4-year-old book life got easier. #2 was so into eating, she rarely got up from the table even thought she rarely sat still the rest of the time. With #3 who is almost 3, we have recently added the rule "if you leave the table, you're done (unless it's to pee or to do her job- letting out the dog)."
She's the first one to ask for ketchup frequently.. I have tried to set out what are ketchup foods and what aren't but I'm not being very consistent.
I think having regular meals together matters. I don't think they need to be every meal or even every night. I think some meals need to be more casual and individual while other meals should be a bit more formal. For what it's worth, we have a slightly more formal dinner on Friday evenings as part of our Shabbat/Sabbath observance. We light candles and recite a few blessings before eating. Most week, the kids seem to take their behavior up a notch for this meal.
ANYWAY, mealtime in our home is less about any of us connecting with each other and more about teaching reasonable eating and table habits. The kids (ages 5 and 3) often mention what is the same/different about our meals. I don't cook different meals, but often there are differences with respect to garnishes or side dishes. We all talk about types of food, where the food came from or how it was prepared. We encourage our kids to taste each thing, but they are not required to eat everything. The 5 year old has a 1-bite rule (please try one bite); the 3 year old has a 1-lick rule (please give it a lick). When the spitting out happens, I see it as a chance to teach a better way to reject and refuse food. When requests for only plain pasta come, I see them as a chance to highlight "growing foods" and balanced eating. When the interruptions are unending, I try to see them as a chance to remind my kids of some basic etiquette. My kids both get up during most meals (not so much on Fridays). With the 5 year old, he usually has a good reason (more water, bathroom). With the 3 year old, we check several times that she really is done, reminding her that the next food comes at breakfast. Often that brings her back on her own, sometimes not and she ends up having a larger breakfast after a cranky wake-up. Even the mid-meal getting up seems to be a chance to teach them something about their bodies' signals - as in, is your belly full or do you really just want to play?
Does any of that make me feel more connected or attached? Not really. I do feel like I'm doing my "job" as Mom. I'm teaching and guiding while trying to support them where they are.
Okay, so it is hard having family dinners. But what little change could make the difference? Paper plates to throw away? Shorten the dinner? Only one veggie and one protein. I am a veteran of family dinner and it is really worth it! Where else do your kids learn manners, patience and maybe to like broccoli? Hang in there ladies!
Paper plates? Never. Cleaning up isn't the issue. I don't need to sacrifice the environment for my convenience.
The issue is the chaos during mealtime itself. I do agree with you on modeling and that is one of the reasons that we do continue to do family dinners. I want my kids to see how to behave properly at a dinner table. However, I don't see it as idyllic family connection time. For us, that happens in a different time and place.
Alex is entirely right, but I'm happy to get more specific to clarify. For example, I noticed a lot of people mentioned children getting up to pee. If this is a contributing factor to dinnertime chaos in my house, I would instate a rule that no one is served dinner unless they have used the restroom prior to sitting down. And maybe "lowering the bar" a little too is appropriate. Like I don't see why family dinner needs to take more than about 15 minutes unless it's a Thanksgiving Feast, and most kids can go without peeing that length of time unless they're sick or something. You know? And if spilling is a recurring problem, I'd buy an easier to use type of cup for my kid and make sure mine wasn't between me and someone who needs my help. Like I said, I'm going to have to ask my mother-in-law for tips because I am only 25 and I'm not delusional-I know that I don't know it all! But I do think that the vast majority of the time, there's no reason that even small children can't behave at dinner. I truly believe that (within reason) people rise to meet your expectations, and that includes children.
Boy can I relate to every single comment and the great blog you wrote! I appreciate that you think because The Family Dinner book is so luscious with pictures and great food, that my dinners are " perfect" . Far from it! If your raising kids, I think we all pretty much go through the same things. Growing up, my family dinners were nightly but they were a huge source of stress, worrying about who was going to get into a fight with my mom and leave the table in tears. In the early years of my kids, dinners were awful which is why I committed to
trying to make them better, mostly for selfish reasons. The long days single parenting until my husband came
home and then the gulp down the food meals were just
plain unsatisfying. I was desperate for some happy,
cozy moments and I decided to try and make dinners
that were a little more emotionally satisfying. Not every one was, but enough of them started to improve, and dinner soon became the time in the day everyone looked forward to. Over the years I tried a lot of ideas to make that happen and one day decided to put all of them into a book to try and help other people improve the experience of dinnertime. Love the dialogue about the challenges we moms and dads face and I hope The Family Dinner book can at the very least, inspire people to hold on to our rituals to the best of our ability.
I have said many times that dinner time is my least favorite parenting task. So far anyway. We have a two yr old and it's such a challenge to 1) serve her something she will eat, 2) get her to sit still or at least play by herself while we finish eating, and 3) she still likes to throw plates/food/cups way too often. I keep hoping it will get better as she grows, but it sounds like it will be many years before we reach that point.
Growing up, we had family dinners...in front of the tv. My mother was single for the most part and our talks took place while dinner was being prepared, or on car rides (we lived in the boonies and it was 30 min to the grocery store). Actually eating dinner was a time to relax and watch a favorite show. As my child(ren) get older, I see us eating some meals at the table, and some in front of the tv.
To each their own, but playing games is not how I would want to spend my dinner. And I'd like to know how you get a two yr old to sit WITHOUT fussing for the entire meal.
Maman A Droit:
Thank you for taking the time to clarify.
My concern with "raising the bar" is that dinner would go from being chaotic to being uncomfortable or upsetting for either me or the kids.
If I put "rules" in place and those rules make it less comfortable for them to be at the dinner table, then that is going to take away from the supposed "connection" that we are creating and it could create a problematic relationship for them with food. Forcing them to sit and eat if they need to go to the bathroom or forcing them to eat something they don't want to eat (e.g. the one protein, one vegetable suggestion someone else made), will not make them cherish dinnertime. It will just turn it into a battleground. If I put "rules" in place and they push my buttons every night by testing the rules, then I will either become the dinner table cop or end up breaking down in tears because I have created unrealistic expectations. Neither of those is really appealing to me either.
From that perspective, I'd rather live with the chaos than raise the bar forcefully. But I am also not going to count on the chaos as the time when great connections are made. If it happens, fine. But I'll look for that connection elsewhere and I'll cherish the moments when we are NOT having a family dinner and I actually get to relax and enjoy my meal.
I think it makes sense to make suggestions, e.g. asking the kids if they need to go to the bathroom before they sit down. But, if their digestive system doesn't kick in until they have had a few bites, I'm not going to force them to stay seated either.
Laurie:
Thank you for your comment.
I wonder how much of the change from chaotic dinners to emotionally satisfying ones comes naturally with time. My kids are still young (4 and 6) and are very busy, very active kids. But, we have a very strong attachment. I could see the dinner table becoming a place where we linger and chat and enjoy each others' company as they get older. I just think right now is perhaps not the right time and forcing the matter isn't going to be emotionally satisfying to anyone. Does that make sense?
I do have to say I don't consider dinners "emotionally satisfying", we're just together and that's what counts.
I think what it all comes down to, is that people shouldn't judge and force each others routines and traditions on to each other. What works for one family, doesn't for another...it's about finding what works for YOU (and it doesn't hurt to listen to what works for others, because it might inspire something new or different for you - and change is good!).
In my family, we do have family dinners. They aren't always short, and they aren't always pleasant, and it's a miracle when it's relaxing (3 kids 10, 8 and 3), but they are a time that we count on to be together (no screens allowed!) and eat clean, healthy food and share as much as we can before everyone needs to go different places, get homework done and get to bed! I believe that although it may not always be the most wonderful time with your children, it is an important time for families. I firmly believe that everything is truly connected to what's on our plates - our health and happiness included. So, regardless of your schedule and ability, make it a priority to have wholesome, clean food on your plates, and hopefully at some point, you'll be in the kitchen at the same time. :)
I have Laurie's book too. I love it. I love the ideas, the concept. I had all the plans in the world to do the things she suggests, but must admit I haven't yet. Still, I look through it every so often hoping that one day I will be struck with enough forethought to carry through.
It's kid-friendly conversation. Not formal games, just spontaneous. The old "What did you do today" lasts a few minutes, and then we just try to entertain ourselves. It's very good actually. What do you talk about? I find my 2,4 and 6 years old kids just aren't interested in talking about politics or debating how the world will switch from fossil fuels to a greener alternative so an hour of deep conversation is not doable while still involving the kids.
Also, what do you mean by fussing? The two year old certainly makes a mess, but we're talking to the two year and he's talking back and he's trying to entertain us and we're trying to entertain and involved him. He loves it, and we love it.
Olivia, you asked earlier how to keep the 2 year old from fussing and I asked what fussing she did but now I just read this comment.
I get the feeling, from your comment, that dinner is about eating and waiting for your two year old. For us, dinner is about talking and entertaining, which involves the 2 year old just as much. You said you don't want to play games, but they're not "board games" or formal rule games. If you want I can video a family dinner, but one thing I did recently video is of our oldest kid telling us about his day, then he says he went to the library to get a book that has lots of information about the ocean. So he spontaneously pulls it out and, while we're eating and talking, he flips to a page to find some facts, then asks us questions, like what animal has Baleen that I mentioned. We get oldest to explain to the middle what baleen is. Then we ask him for a question the two year old might have a chance of getting. Then we ask the two year to ask us a question, and the four year old. Then I ask questions just slightly too hard for the kids or one that the oldest might be able to get if he finds it in the book, or one that I know one of the kids knows but mom doesn't or whatever. Just sponteously stuff comes up, free-style, and we involved everyone in it. Our dinners are at least half and hour to an hour long most of the time, and hardly anyone ever complains.
Sometimes they don't like all the food, but they do have to eat enough. We usually put something "interesting" on there for them to try, like garlic, pepper, hot sauce, shrimp, escargot, some kind of sauce, etc. Occasionally that becomes a game, like "Who is willing to try the snail" or "Who can handle the hot sauce" and then we have fun with that.
Makes sense to me. My 5 and 3 year old do all right at sitting through a meal, but I can't say meals are without chaos. Today I had the "pleasure" of helping the 3 year old clean up the spit out cucumber and orange (both foods she likes to eat). However, before the spitting, they both ate. My 5 year old has started to ask us questions either about something he saw/heard or about something we're talking about. Sure, he also makes bad choices about table behavior at times, but I do see gradual improvement.