Thursday
Sep062012
Sometimes I Don't Want To Be a Parent (Guest Post)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Please welcome Jodi (@KarmicEvolution) back to the blog with a post about the not-so-great days of parenting. This is something every parent feels sometimes, I think. Especially when they have a three year old.
I hate my job some days.
And I'm ok with it.
I know, I just heard the collective “gasp” from parents everywhere. I'm not a bad parent. I don't ever hate my child, but I am not one of those people who was born to be a parent. Who always pictured the big family, with kids running everywhere. In fact I pictured not having kids at all. I thought I would be the carefree type, working, partying, spending my time and money on me. Maybe meet a guy, maybe travel the world, maybe move across the country just to say I did.
Then I got pregnant. Yes, it was an “accident” and yes it was my own fault (moving on...). Life changed completely. I was no longer solely responsible for myself. My time wasn't my own, my money wasn't my own and for 10 months not even my body was my own. I made peace with my decision and fumbled and flailed wildly into parenthood.
And some days, I hate it.
I want to sleep in, I want to go out, I want to take off in the middle of the night to see friends on a whim. I don't want a schedule that isn't flexible. I don't want to have a house full of toys and cupboards full of “kid-friendly” foods.
Does this mean I care about my child any less? Does it mean I give less than my all to her upbringing? That I project disappointment or dissatisfaction in our relationship? No. Not at all. I adore my daughter. I love our life together. We all have things we wonder about, the “ifs”, the things we wish we could do. Days we hate our jobs, hate our houses or our cars. For me, parenthood has the down days like anything else. With the exception of possibly the Duggars and their 19 kids, I would put money on every parent having days like this.
The question is how do we deal with these feelings without running flailing our arms wildly, directly off a cliff? Or how do we prevent taking these feelings out on our families? We need to be able to ask for help, talk openly, have a life outside of our homes and kids. Have a hobby that in no way shape or form involves your kids.
I didn't realize how important this was. I didn't realize I could be a woman and mom, but didn't always have to be both at the same time. I also had no idea how I could accomplish any of this being a single, 24/7 mom of a toddler. What I learned? Ask for help. It turns out we parents are mega resourceful. My friends and family step up in a big way for me. They babysit, they split childcare for nights out, they make dinner and send the kids out to play while we sit inside and talk over wine.
Most importantly, I surround myself with people who understand and respect the way I think. Surrounding myself with people with the opposite thoughts as myself 24/7 all that would happen would be I would feel bad about myself, when I have nothing to feel bad about.
We all have our bad days. We just need to remember that as long as we try and keep our lives balanced and respect our feelings, there will be less bad and more good.
Jodi Sonoda is a vocal mental health and homelessness advocate who believes in the power of social media. As a blogger (www.myaccidentallife.blogspot.com) and motivational speaker she refuses to hold back the details of life with a mental health illness. Solo mama to one gorgeous 3 year old daughter, and closet rock star just waiting to break out, her life goal is to leave the world better than she came into it.
Photo credit: Transitions Photography by Erin Lang
Sometimes I Don't Want To Be a Parent
I hate my job some days.
And I'm ok with it.
I know, I just heard the collective “gasp” from parents everywhere. I'm not a bad parent. I don't ever hate my child, but I am not one of those people who was born to be a parent. Who always pictured the big family, with kids running everywhere. In fact I pictured not having kids at all. I thought I would be the carefree type, working, partying, spending my time and money on me. Maybe meet a guy, maybe travel the world, maybe move across the country just to say I did.
Then I got pregnant. Yes, it was an “accident” and yes it was my own fault (moving on...). Life changed completely. I was no longer solely responsible for myself. My time wasn't my own, my money wasn't my own and for 10 months not even my body was my own. I made peace with my decision and fumbled and flailed wildly into parenthood.
And some days, I hate it.
I want to sleep in, I want to go out, I want to take off in the middle of the night to see friends on a whim. I don't want a schedule that isn't flexible. I don't want to have a house full of toys and cupboards full of “kid-friendly” foods.
Does this mean I care about my child any less? Does it mean I give less than my all to her upbringing? That I project disappointment or dissatisfaction in our relationship? No. Not at all. I adore my daughter. I love our life together. We all have things we wonder about, the “ifs”, the things we wish we could do. Days we hate our jobs, hate our houses or our cars. For me, parenthood has the down days like anything else. With the exception of possibly the Duggars and their 19 kids, I would put money on every parent having days like this.
The question is how do we deal with these feelings without running flailing our arms wildly, directly off a cliff? Or how do we prevent taking these feelings out on our families? We need to be able to ask for help, talk openly, have a life outside of our homes and kids. Have a hobby that in no way shape or form involves your kids.
I didn't realize how important this was. I didn't realize I could be a woman and mom, but didn't always have to be both at the same time. I also had no idea how I could accomplish any of this being a single, 24/7 mom of a toddler. What I learned? Ask for help. It turns out we parents are mega resourceful. My friends and family step up in a big way for me. They babysit, they split childcare for nights out, they make dinner and send the kids out to play while we sit inside and talk over wine.
Most importantly, I surround myself with people who understand and respect the way I think. Surrounding myself with people with the opposite thoughts as myself 24/7 all that would happen would be I would feel bad about myself, when I have nothing to feel bad about.
We all have our bad days. We just need to remember that as long as we try and keep our lives balanced and respect our feelings, there will be less bad and more good.
Jodi Sonoda is a vocal mental health and homelessness advocate who believes in the power of social media. As a blogger (www.myaccidentallife.blogspot.com) and motivational speaker she refuses to hold back the details of life with a mental health illness. Solo mama to one gorgeous 3 year old daughter, and closet rock star just waiting to break out, her life goal is to leave the world better than she came into it.
Photo credit: Transitions Photography by Erin Lang
Reader Comments (16)
Some days are hard, that's for sure. Personally I don't feel I 'hate' it, ever. But for sure I wouldn't mind getting out of the house for a solo cup of coffee some afternoons :)
Maybe it's because I didn't think I'd be able to have kids and was instead blessed with four of them, or maybe it's because I'm naturally inclined to be a stay at home parent [not everyone is and that's OK!]. I think a lot of it is that I've 'come out the other side' with my eldest, now 13 and I appreciate how fast those early years do go. I don't want to miss a minute with my 3 year old 'baby' whether it's in the middle of the night or early morning. It's a different perspective than with your first.
For sure a support network is invaluable, especially when you don't have a partner to fall back on. It's good for Mom and that means it's good for her too!
I think you are spot on Jodi, and I'll bet even the Duggars have their days...that being said, your point (I believe) was to share how important it is to keep our love/hate relationship with parenting in perspective. I'd add to that one additional element...a sense of humor. As a mother of 5 kids (and at one time a single mom) I cannot imagine keeping a healthy perspective on parenting without 3 things...an ability to laugh at myself and and at life (when appropriate), ending the day with a glass of chardonnay and a bowl of Cheeto Puffs, and a good sweat six times a week. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Thank you SO much for posting this! I hear you loud and clear! Every time I say something along the line of "Oh man, I really wish I could just have a day to myself, M is driving me absolutely nuts" and my friends will reply "How can you say that, he's the cutest thing ever? He's so great! Blah blah blah!" and make me feel like absolute crap for feeling how I feel. But yeah, parenting, however you look at it, is a job, a 24/7/365 job and even people who land their dream jobs that they tailor themselves dream of concessional week long beach job-free vacations, right?
Great post! My 2.5 yr old is currently making a very strong case for him to be an only child. I don't know what I'd do without a support system, even if it's just knowing that I'm not the only mom who cherishes her sleeping child because some days, that's the only time he's pleasant to be around.
I love him more than my life and I know this, too, shall pass but DAMN if it doesn't suck during the throes of a massive tantrum.
I really liked it when you said you felt like your body wasn't even your won during pregnancy. I felt like that too. I did imagine a house full of kids and all that jazz, but I still have the same feelings you do sometimes. The what-ifs, the need for an escape, the wanting to just be me for a while. Parenting isn't always easy.
When you said this, "Most importantly, I surround myself with people who understand and respect the way I think. Surrounding myself with people with the opposite thoughts as myself 24/7 all that would happen would be I would feel bad about myself, when I have nothing to feel bad about." It really hit home for me. This is a lesson I am still learning, but I think you hit the nail on the head.
Great post!
Very well said. I am just starting into this adventure, and really, really feel like I'm in over my head and that I've made some really questionable decisions that led to this phase of my life for at least a few minutes (if not more) each and every day. Not to say I don't get through it, but like the author, I never ever had dreams or aspirations of having a family, which sometimes makes it harder to reconcile the fact that my life isn't *really* over. Thank goodness for an understanding partner, a fabulous sister, and friends who have been here, too!
Interesting piece. I get weary of all the menial tasks that tend to come with a kid, but never actually dealing with the kid herself. I have to say I never "hate" it and don't really seem to have those days I often hear of people having when they have more than one kid under 5, say. (I am one and done!) I guess I've been lucky to become a mom at an older age where it was all by my choice and on my terms. I imagine if I was younger and going it alone, I'd probably hate it some days, too...I don't know how they do it!
I've been thinking about this piece since Jodi first sent it to me and since I put it up and other people started responding. I'd been trying to find a way to express my feelings about it. Then I read Ask Moxie's piece about mothering today and she said it so perfectly:
http://www.askmoxie.org/2012/09/free-but-not-cheap.html
Mothering is a relationship, not a job. It certainly comes with lots of jobs and those can be tedious and annoying and stressful and undervalued and most definitely underpaid. And we often can and do hate and even resent those jobs. But the relationship -- that is the important part. That is what we need to focus on. That is what brings the rewards both to us and our kids.
I think people who try to be the "perfect mother" (and "perfect wife") will end up stressing themselves out to the point where they can no longer enjoy the relationship and where they may even ruin the relationship. But if we can find ways to get through the jobs, outsource the jobs, escape from the jobs when they become too much, then we'll have the energy and interest to be able to enjoy and thrive in that relationship.
That is where our villages become so important. That is why we cannot do this alone.
I've always said being a mother is a relationship and not a job, but we do have to be careful of how much we "outsource" as they say because then it takes away from the relationship to some extent, I believe....
I get this because I have a mother who wasn't really made to be a mother. She is a good mother, not the traditional type and that's ok. We all come into motherhood through our own paths and do the best we can in our circumstances and our lives. It's ok to not be the fuzzy idea of motherhood - this is actually an idea only, I don't think it exists in reality (I recently read Mother Nature - Maternal Instinct and how it Shapes the Human Species by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, a mammoth but eminently readable book, in which she lays out the case that sociobiology shows that maternal ambivalence across species is the norm, not the exception).
But the thing about motherhood being a job really irks me, in general. Because really how can it be a job? How can any sane person look at being a mother and decide objectively, that yes this job has good pay, good hours, will lead career fulfillment and advancement? Would any sane person choose a motherhood as a job? Honestly, I really doubt that. Motherhood is a just life. And I also hate to think that my kids are my job, it seems so cold and objectifying. My kids are well, my kids, people I love and thus that I do crazy things for, like hold their half-chewed food that they are choking so they don't puke it on the bus. I don't want a job where I have to do that. But, I will do it for my kids, and I do, because it's about love.
I think "how much" is important. I think "what" is important too. I'd rather outsource food preparation, for example, than reading bedtime stories. Other people can make healthy food and I have the means to buy it, but I want to be there for my child for those special moments (not necessarily every night, but most of the time). I don't mind outsourcing "arts and crafts" to preschool or art classes or Grannie because I'm not an arts and crafts sort of person. But that doesn't mean I can't find other activities to do with my child that we will both enjoy and will be meaningful and enjoyable for both of us.
Sometimes I daydream about my old office job just to feel competent again. I don't know that I've ever hated the job of mothering, though, because my two children were very planned. I feel ready for this part of my life. Anyway, rambling...we all certainly need a break sometimes and it's very true that we need to ask for help when we need it.
Pretty sure everybody's got their days. I have a ton of support from my husband, and I AM the person who's always dreamed of having a bunch of kids around, and I'm a homebody so it's not like I miss partying ... but sometimes I think, "If I had never had kids, I could take a NAP or read a BOOK or just have FIVE MINUTES TO MYSELF!" I'm so glad I had kids, and honestly the moments of joy and gratitude outnumber the bad ... but the bad is there, it's real, and I'm not ashamed. It's a 24/7/365 job ... the surprising part is that we're not all more burned-out than we are!
I've had lots of days like this, especially when my girls were little.
I don't have the circle of friends and family to help me out or or around it (or maybe I just think I don't).
Fortunately, it gets a little easier as they grow up, and for days when it doesn't, I'm learning to ask my husband to 'drive the bus' while I allow myself to coast a little.
None of it is easy or natural though, and I don't even aspire to be SuperMom - just NotDoAnyPermanentDamageMom.
Thank you for writing this.
I have a conflicted relationship with being a mother. I love my daughter but not necessarily the role of having a daughter and being a mother. Your piece made me feel less alone about having these thoughts. Thank you.
This represents so much of my feelings lately. I didn't know things would change so drastically and three is suddenly so hard and it can be so very alone sometimes.