Would You Let Your Teen's Boyfriend/Girlfriend Sleep Over?
Saturday, January 28, 2012 This past week, I posted an article on my facebook page about some mothers in the UK that have decided to allow their teenage daughters' boyfriends sleep over. Is that shocking? I didn't think so. I found it progressive and refreshing. But not everyone agrees and some find the idea of it irresponsible or morally reprehensible.
I respect the fact that different people have different opinions about sex, ranging from "whoever, whenever, wherever" all the way to "put a ring on her before you sleep with her". I also respect parents wishing to share their values with their children. However, I don't think that forbidding something from happening in your home is the best way to ensure that your teen adopts your values. I think a loving, mutually respectful, open and connected relationship is the best way to do that.
Here are a few things that I know about teens and sex, from first or second hand experience:
- Teens who decide that they are ready to have sex are going to have sex, whether you allow it in your home or not (they'll find somewhere else to do it and that may not be a safe place or with a safe person)
- Teens who are not ready to have sex, will not have sex, just because you allow it in your home
- Teens who give into pressure to have sex when they are not ready are going to do that whether you allow it in your home or not
- If teens of the opposite sex have a sleepover, that doesn't necessarily mean they are having sex
- If teens of the same sex have a sleepover, that doesn't necessarily mean they are not having sex
I reject the idea that "teens are going to have sex anyway, so you might as well allow it in your home", because I don't think that is entirely true. Some teens do opt not to have sex. That said, I also reject the idea that allowing your teen to have opposite sex sleepovers is encouraging them to enter into sexual relationships before they are ready.
These aren't just my crazy ideas. In the book Not Under My Roof, Amy Shalet looks at parents, teens and the culture of sex in the United States and the Netherlands.
For American parents, teenage sex is something to be feared and forbidden: most would never consider allowing their children to have sex at home, and sex is a frequent source of family conflict. In the Netherlands, where teenage pregnancies are far less frequent than in the United States, parents aim above all for family cohesiveness, often permitting young couples to sleep together and providing them with contraceptives.
I haven't read the book yet, but it certainly fits with both my experience and my worldview on parenting and sex.
If you don't want your children to have sex before they are ready and don't want them to practice unsafe sex, I think the best way to do that is:
- Instill self-confidence and a sense of self-worth in your children
- Teach them to respect themselves and to respect others (that means teaching them to say 'no' when they want to say 'no' and teaching them to hear and respect 'no')
- Teach them about safe sex and be open to answering their questions
- Share your opinions about sex with them, but be sure to tell them that they are free to form their own opinions and make their own decisions
- Tell them that they can come to you with any questions that they have, but also make sure there are other people they can go to with questions if they are not comfortable talking to you (doctor, older sister/brother, aunt/uncle, school guidance counselor, anonymous teen help phone, etc.)
- Ensure they have an easy way to get condoms and other forms of birth control if they decide that they need it
Then, after you have done that, trust your child. There really isn't a huge difference between 16 years old and under the shackles of the parental roof versus 18 years old and in a college dorm. If you haven't given them the skills to make good decisions by the time they are 16, then you probably have bigger things to worry about than just this issue.
I hope that if I teach my kids well, that they will make good decisions. But if they don't and if one of them does end up with a revolving door of lovers coming in and out of our house, at least I may know about it and have an opportunity to talk to them about it. The parents who make sex sound dirty and forbid sex at home -- they may (unknowingly) have the same problem, without the opportunity for dialogue.
Photo credit: michi003 on flickr
Reader Comments (184)
I respect your choice, but I take issue with the idea that "people are just grossed out by the idea that children will eventually become sexual beings." I'm sure that is true for some people (maybe even many), but it is not even remotely on my radar when it comes to my concerns about my two daughters having sex as teens.
In addition to concerns about making sure that they are happy and healthy in their sexuality and get involved with partners who respect them and treat them properly, I also worry about STDs, especially in light of things like the fact that the WHO predicts that within a few years, gonorrhea (the second most common STD in the world) will be resistant to all antibiotics. In addition, I worry about teenage pregnancy.
Not everyone is so simplistic in their thinking that they worry about their teens having sex because it's "gross."
Wow, motherhen, lovely post.
I really like that you have tackled this Annie.
my children are 14, 11, 8 and 8. This will be in our near future and I want my family to be able to discuss relationships and contraception openly. I spent all my time in my boyfriend's home where we safely had sex. We were not allowed to touch in my parental home and never even felt comfortable there socially. I also got the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" comment from my folks. My boyfriend, like many posters above then became my husband, father to my four great kids and we have been together for 25 years.
My internal struggle is that I do not have role models of other parents who successfully do this and I hear my parent's voices in the back of my head that I have to work hard at ignoring. I think tacking the sexuality of our children actually has more to do with the fact that we as parents have trouble allowing our children to grow up and make relationship decisions for themselves with the proper support.
My daughter's boyfriend's mother and I talk regularly, and we discussed the bedroom arrangements before he came to stay for the first time. She feels the same way as I do about trusting our children to be careful and nurturing of each other physically and emotionally, and to let them make their own decisions in their own time. It is a natural extension of the way we have both independently raised our children (as we didn't know each other before the children met at a camp) with attachment parenting, eg, extended breastfeeding, baby carrying, shared family bed in the early years etc etc.
Both these young adults have been autonomously home educated from birth, being trusted to know their own minds in making their own choices in bedtimes, amount of studying done, amount of television watched, where, what, when and even if, to learn etc, etc.
They are brilliant independent, intelligent, stable people. They have both made good choices regarding their educations, so why not trust them further to know their own limits in a sexual relationship too.
I was your "daughter's friend", except in my case I started having sex and sneaking around when I was 19 and a sophomore in college. The sneaking lasted for about a year when my mom finally pulled the info out of me and by my parents reaction you would have thought that I just fessed up to killing someone. It was awful, and finally after I continued having sex and for becoming "liberal" my parents cut me off financially and kicked me out in hopes that I would realize my sinful way and come back. It didn't work, as I just moved in with my boyfriend and then we ended up getting married a year later. But it's tricky, with the religious thing. I know all parents are different, but I'd say in general the parents just want what's best for their kids. I know in my parents case, even though they did some insane stuff to me, that just didn't make sense for people who claimed to love me, everything they did, particularly regarding the sex came out of a legitimate and strong belief that my having sex before I was married was going to make my life much harder, my future marriage relationship much weaker, and that i wasn't going to have the "full and abundant life that God had planned for me". Don't get me wrong, I think their behavior from start to finish was the OPPOSITE of everything they should have done, but I think when you are dealing with people who have strong religious convictions about these issues, even telling them stories like yours won't sway them until their church/synagogue/etc. are saying the same thing. I now have one and a half year old twin boys and I look forward to the teenage years with fear and trembling :) but I fully plan on be a progressive parent that has an open and honest relationship with my children. Thanks for your story!
I love this issue being addressed like this. When I was 15, my boyfriend and I decided we were ready to be sexually active, but wanted to do it 'right'. His parents wouldn't let him use his car to drive me to the Planned Parenthood clinic for contraception; my mother drove us both there and paid for my pills :) He was allowed to stay over in my room from that point forward; his parents didn't let us for another year.
My mother told me that my boyfriend's mother was pretty angry about driving us to the clinic and letting us sleep in the same room. Apparently my mother replied, "that's an easy stance for you to take seeing as you have the boy." I kind of resented the implication that the only reason my mum was so supportive was fearing teen pregnancy: I felt and feel very strongly that it was our open and honest communication, plus the fact that I picked a good and responsible guy, that allowed her to be unconditionally supportive. That young man and I did not stay together in a romantic relationship past high school, but we were roommates through university and are still good friends.
My husband and I will strive to have that same open communication and supportive relationship with our child -- even though we 'have the boy'.
I think you are right, Jenny: for parents who are way over in Rick Santorum Land (and there are millions of them--scary thought), no stories from a liberal blog or whatever are going to change their minds in the least.
It's really refreshing to see other mom's who have taken the same approach as me, and although I know some don't agree, it is nice to read others comments. As an update, school was out here last Friday and my daughters boyfriend has been staying over most nights. Teens do have sex and I think it is a natural evolution of being in a loving and committed relationship. My daughter and her boyfriend may not be together forever, but they are learning about both the emotional and physical aspects of a relationship, and hopefully this will provide them with a strong foundation as they enter adulthood.
Terri Laraway(tjl041176@aol.com)
It's all very well, but it sounds to me as none of you are parents.. there are more implications in this subject than the same pathetic ones I can read time and time again in this timeline.. how about 'my house my privacy my rules?? do I want this boy and then the next and the next coming over and staying in my house?? HELLO? will my daughter regret one day that she slept with so and so and I as a parent allowed this to happen when I was the adult and she the child?? what's up with you lot dudes?? what planet do you live on.. actually what do you feed on?? CRACK???
Well, Mayka, I am a parent to two lovely stable young adults. My older son now has the title Doctor and a salary twice that of any I have ever earned, so allowing his girlfriend to stay over when he was 17 doesn't seem to have ruined his life.
My daughter who is 16 now has been in a steady relationship with her first boyfriend for 7 months and although he has slept over for the last 5 months they haven't yet progressed their relationship to having intercourse, but when they do she is prepared, with lots of discussion of the ramifications emotionally and physically, she is on the pill and plans on using condoms as a back up. In what way does this lead you to believe there will be a steady stream of new boyfriends staying over and that she will one day regret this?
I think it is a lot more likely that a child of yours will take risks because there is no safe place to experiment, and no discussion of their views.
Mayka, the one thing I would never do is judge another parent. We all parent how we feel is best and not everybody is going to agree. I am very comfortable in how I am raising my dd and to me, safe sex is something that can be wonderful and enhance an already serious relationship, even for a teenager. Like Motherhen said, sleeping together does not mean there will be a series of boys staying over. Although I do respect your opinion I would appreciate you respecting those opinions of others that you may disagree with. Terri
Motherhen and Terri answered this pretty well; but I just wanted to add that I doubt there are many people who read or comment on this blog who are not parents.
Although I agree with all the "warm and fuzzy" open communication with our children, and even experimental relationships both emotional and physical... I struggle with having my 18 year old dd's boyfriend spend the night for reasons much different than anyone is discussing in this forum. My thought process is that if they are able to be together anytime they want, including all night, then what is the impetus to ever move out?
When she questions me why, that is the biggest reason. I want her to become independent and get out on her own (or them move in together) so they realize that with relationships and adulthood, comes responsibility. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I don't agree with you, but I respect your argument. I value independence pretty highly - it's a huge influence in my parenting, and I'm pretty hard line on the "with privilege comes responsibility" thing too. I think (but my kids are still little, so my attitude may change!) that I'll be going with other forms of responsibility to balance up that privilege, but I completely understand where you're coming from. If they want to be treated like adult housemates, then they contribute like adult housemates - financially if possible, and definitely in terms of housework and so on.
Teaching your kids about respect has to do with a lot more than talking about sex.
Before we moved into an apartment together, my boyfriend lived with me in my parent's house for 2 weeks when I was 18. I honestly do not remember having a conversation about whether sex was allowed in the house or not. I do remember that I chose not to have sex, even though we had already been sexually active, because I wanted to respect my parents and their house. My parents had raised me to respect them, and that had not happened by having one conversation.
Continuous open dialogue with your children is so much more important than people seem to remember.
Well there's a lot of 'progressive' parents on here. I grew up with progressive parents so thought I'd give my perspective if its useful in any way. I'm also the parent to almost 19, a 16 and a 12 yr old. My parents provided me with lots of information, they were open about sexuality and so were family friends. There was no problem with me having sex if I wanted to and I was allowed to have boys in my room and to stay. I wasn't sexually active until very late teens BUT all my other 'progressive' friends were much earlier. The difference? I followed my grandparents faith teaching about abstinence out of respect for myself - basically I created my own boundaries because I felt my parents didn't really care about my worth in the area of sexuality by not providing some boundaries for my developing sexuality.
Frankly, teens need boundaries! They need parents, sometimes 'progressive' is another way of saying 'trying to be a friend'.
When I became active (now husband) we just did what most people did and snuck around. Big deal! Teens want to push against something to define themselves and figure out what the social rules are. If you say 'oh, sexual partners can sleep over and you can drink responsibly at home' the teen won't say 'thanks so much, I'll stay within that boundary' they tend to push it further. Weed, heavy drinking, friends and their partners over night cos you are cool with that'.
I put in boundaries about sexual activity in our home. With our eldest she could have her boyfriend in her room for music, chatting etc and that showed trust. Whether she was sexual or not I don't know since she knew what our values were (be older, committed etc) she made her own decisions and was eventually active at boyfriends. You know what though? Her friends respect us and now so does she that we don't have partners stay. It gives them something to decide from - a benchmark. The houses that have anything goes attitudes just breeds anything goes. I have seen it a lot. If you think they will be grown up in how they handle their 'freedom' they generally don't because they are teens.
Also, with all that education about contraception etc I still had an unplanned child at 20. So in my opinion 'progressive' is self indulgent parenting by parents afraid to say 'no you are worth so much I'm willing to wear some attitude through providing some limits to what is not developmentally appropriate for you just yet'.
Do what you are going to do but 'progressive' is not superior to traditional parenting, and as someone raised that way it annoys me to hear the arrogance of parents of young children proposing that they will do it all differently (read 'better') and their children will grow up more well adjusted without such boundaries. How could you know?
'There once was a man who said he used to have 5 theories about raising children, now he has 5 children and no theories.....' Something for all of us to think about I guess.
Also, the disrespect for people's religious view is really disappointing. People would respect a devout Hindu parents family rules about sexuality in their home, why the problem with devout Christian parents. Kids are born into families, if what they want to do isn't within their family traditions they'll find a way around it. It's not the parents job to modify their traditions to appease their children - progressives wouldn't with criminal activity. If sexual activity is viewed a certain way in a traditional household, so be it. The kid will survive! I don't see progressives damning indigenous tribal groups for expecting certain sexual behaviour from their members while in the tribe...
Just to clarify, my comment about 'criminal activity' was just an example of a moral stance which in some traditions there are moral beliefs around sexual practices - not that the two are similar in any way.
"People would respect a devout Hindu parents family rules about sexuality in their home, why the problem with devout Christian parents."
Not me--that is, I wouldn't respect it. I get what you are saying in that there are some progressives who have different standards for "brown people" (basically because they don't want to seem like they are acting superiour about their own culture and looking down on the culture of nonwhite people), but I find that patronising and inconsistent with progressive values. I am the first to harshly critique Muslims for instance for the way they treat women.
So, in short: no, I'm a progressive atheist who has no patience for "devout" religious beliefs that try to stifle sexuality with shame--whether Catholic, Baptist, Hindu, Muslim, whatever.
Hi , I am an 18 year old girl and my parents have been allowing my boyfriend to sleepover since I was 15 ( yes it's the same guy ) . My parents never had a sex talk with me but put me on birth control to make sure that if I did decide to have sex , I was protected which I think is something all parents should consider here . Like my parents , You don't have to want sex before marriage for your teen but wouldn't you rather them be protected just in case instead of pregnant? Not to mention the fact that my boyfriend and I had enough gratitude to our parents for letting us have sleepovers in the first place that we did not have sex out of respect for them. Trust is key and sometimes being prepared is what will keep them away .
I'm 39 year old single mom of two daughters 21 and 15. Although my 21 year old began having sex with her bf at 16 she never asked to have a sleepover either at my house or his house. They did it the old fashioned way, they snuck. My 15 year old is much more open with me and her and her boyfriend began having sex since August, and she came to me and we talked about it and took all the precautions so that she wouldn't get pregnant. She came to me back in September and asked about him staying overnight for the weekend. We all sat down with his parents and had long discussion about the pros and cons and eventually decided we would let them. They take turns now sleeping at his house or our house on most weekends and there have been no pregnancies or false alarms and no sti's. The difficult part was in the beginning getting used to the thought of them sleeping together. But the upside has been that my daughter and her boyfriend can enjoy their relationship without having to sneak around. I do not regret allowing this and don't have any phobias about premarital sex or teen sex being a bad thing.
[...] talk openly about sex and sexual relationships with their children. The parents prefer to assume that the children aren’t having sex and the children prefer to assume that the parents aren’t having sex and both do everything [...]
My name is Amber and I am almost sixteen years old. I am not religious and my family has never put any "sex is taboo" pressure on me. I have been with my boyfriend since I was twelve. He was my first love, first kiss, but when I was five, I was unknowingly lured in by a friends eight year old brother whom had forced sex with me.
My mom let me sleep over at my boyfriends house. I know he is a vrgin, and I know he isn't very interested in sex. The most we did was laugh and hold hands. Neither of us had any intention of having sex and would rather spend our sleepover as friends. Very good friends!
I am a teenager and yes, my mother let's my boyfriend sleep over on the weekends, his mom let's us do the same when I stay over there and I agree completely on this being related to communication between my mom and I. I've overheard stories at my school where couples have sneaked around and ended up pregnant because they weren't using the right protection. I also know plenty of teens that are in the same situation as me. If everyone is just honest, it prevents so many bad situations as well as preparing teens for a part of life.
Atheist, liberal, progressive parent here. No, I'm not condoning my sons fking their teenie bopper girlfriends in our family home. Will they sneak around otherwise if sex is where they choose to go? Yes! But there is a difference between an awareness of a behavior and support of it.
Sex is something we discuss freely in our home, no reservations, but engagement in sexual behavior is serious business. It's not simply a feel good game. No, I will not try to prevent my boys from having sex, but I will not send a message that suggest that I encourage it. Children have the freedom to stretch boundaries, which does not negate a parent's role of setting them.
I absolutely loved this post. I'm a 15 year old girl, I am in an almost 6 month relationship. My boyfriend lives almost three hours away and I only really get to see him on the weekends (if I'm lucky). My mother is pretty reasonable and I'm able to talk to her about things; but talking about my relationship with her is a completely different story. She doesnt allow him in my room at all! Also I have discussed sleeping at his house before (in seperate rooms on seperate floors!) but she will not even consider it. I understand that I am her little girl and it's scary that I'm growing up but she also has to understand that at this time I am capable of making my own desisions based on my own beliefs; I believe it is really important to wait untill I am ready emotionally and physically to have sex. My boyfriend and I have had many discussions about it and we both agree that we would like to wait, I want to be 110% ready and comfortable with it. I have tried to tell her that I'm just not ready and sleeping over wont simotaniously make my opinions change. I wouldn't ask if he lived close to me, but because of the situation I don't feel that it is completely unreasonable. After months of argueing with her my boyfriend e-mailed me this article, I loved reading the parents comments. Hopefully someone could relate to me, or even help me to deal with this situation!
Thanks!
In this world where we have so little control over effecting change on a grand scale as individuals, God put us in charge of passing along ethics, respect and love to our little corner of the world... our kids. It's our responsibility to teach them right, wrong and to guide their decisions along the way. Sometimes that means telling them no.
I started having sex at my girlfriend's house when I was 16 and she was 15. After school, her mom was usually home, and after us talking to her mom or her little brother for a while and having a snack, we would just sort of wander off to my girlfriend's bedroom. Nothing was said about it, it just was accepted, and eventually it progressed to my staying over on weekends and then just staying there most nights. I lived with my father and he was happy to allow me to do it.
It continued for two years though it was controversial, and one of my friends' parents thought it was wrong and wouldn't speak to my father because of it.
Overall it was a very positive experience, though it's often very deep and emotional to be living together at a young age. Everything is heightened, so you may miss the carefree experience of being a kid at that age. Another drawback is that you spend too much time having sex, and missing out on going out more and doing more social things with other kids.
Still it's a beautiful experience to be that close to one of your first loves, and I'm glad it happened the way it did.
I'm really glad I found this post because I went through this with my youngest daughter who's 15. Her and her bf became sexually active last summer and she's always been open with me and we had several discussions prior to her losing her virginity. All along I never told her she had to wait but I told her to make sure it was something they both wanted and not just a heat of the moment decision, driven by hormones. Before they became active I put her on birth control and had a supply of condoms in her bathroom. She came to me after they did it the first time and since then we've had many sex discussions and I've openly and honestly answered any questions. In the beginning I did not allow her bf to sleep over night because his mom did not allow it, although she was well aware they were having sex. His mom now allows it and he sleeps here on most weekends. I would much rather they have safe sex in a comfortable environment, and they have learned that sex is not shameful.
This post is a little old however I discovered this site when confronted with this exact situation two weeks ago and wanted to give my 2 cents worth. My 15 yr old has been with the same bf for 2 years and sexually active for 1 year now. She's been on bc and her condom basket is always stocked. And although I was well aware that they were having sex, they've always managed to do it elsewhere and not in my house. But last week her bf's parents were going on vacation and he had to stay behind and work. So daughter brings up the suggestion that he stay here for the week and stay in her room. In my mind I had always thought that maybe at 17 or so I would consider this if it ever came up, so I was a little taken back that she asked me at this point. And her comment was, "mom you know we're doing it anyway." So reluctantly I did give in and I must admit it went far better than I could ever have expected. They handled it very responsibly and no different than I have with any of my past boyfriends. Sure I'm sure they had sex during the week but they didn't advertise it nor did I ever hear anything. And there was no public display of affection at the breakfast table. I just wanted to post and say, yes it can work and sometimes our teens can surprise us with how responsible they can be.
I realize this is an old post but really are you a bunch of hillbillies? There is such a thing as right and wrong. Please, sex has not recently been discovered. You're talking about a bunch of spoiled brats. Tell them to get over themselves and get a life. If they want to engage in adult activities fine. Get a full time job and an apartment. Cut the pop culture crap.
My daughter is 18 and still senior in HS. Her boyfriend is 19. She has been with him for 7 months and claims that she does not yet have sex with him but has already spent 3 nights at his house. (She asked to be taken to a gyno about 4 moths ago and I did it but I said I will not pay for her contraceptives. It is against my values and although I realize that there is no way to control her I don't want to be the one facilitating this).
We were and are very clear that we do not approve of her sleeping at his house and it came to a point that we told her that we will not be supporting her financially (no allowance, no phone, no clothing money and no college support) if she wants to sleep at his house , she can move in with him. She already spends every waking hour with him and what they mostly do is lay in bed either in her room or mostly in his room. she is not currently working working ( she was a lifeguard) he is barely working either. He has already wasted one semester in crappy part time job (stocking supermarket shelves). My husband is ready to throw her stuff out of the house. I am going crazy. She has always been rebellious and it seems to me that she will give in. On the other hand I have realized that I have been afraid of her and if we don't put a foot down she will never learn to respect the people who feed her, to delay gratification, to work hard to get what she wants. I feel helpless and almost don't know what is right and wrong anymore.
she has decent grades and got accepted to our state university but
I come from Holland. I find many of the problems in Anglo Saxon families countries quite amusing regarding sex life of their children. In Holland the attitude of parents towards sex matters was much more open but control over the family was more strict and more disciplined.
There was a general inviolate rule of parents for children's behavior in all aspects of life in my country. Parents rule no 1: " My house, my rules, no arguments" end of the story. Basically it meant as long as you are under my roof and I have to provide for you, you are under my protection, you do as you are told. What you do with your life afterwards is your problem, just don't drag the family name into the mud.
I come from Holland. I find many of the problems in Anglo Saxon families countries quite amusing regarding sex life of their children. In Holland the attitude of parents towards sex matters was much more open but control over the family was more strict and more disciplined.
There was a general inviolate rule of parents for children's behavior in all aspects of life in my country. Parents rule no 1: " My house, my rules, no arguments" end of the story. Basically it meant as long as you are under my roof and I have to provide for you, you are under my protection, you do as you are told. What you do with your life afterwards is your problem, just don't drag the family name into the mud.
You are a freaking whack job.
Agree. My daughter was always allowed to have group sleepovers, or just have her b/f over for the night. yes, they did have sex. I know because she told me all about he first time.