Would You Let Your Teen's Boyfriend/Girlfriend Sleep Over?
Saturday, January 28, 2012 This past week, I posted an article on my facebook page about some mothers in the UK that have decided to allow their teenage daughters' boyfriends sleep over. Is that shocking? I didn't think so. I found it progressive and refreshing. But not everyone agrees and some find the idea of it irresponsible or morally reprehensible.
I respect the fact that different people have different opinions about sex, ranging from "whoever, whenever, wherever" all the way to "put a ring on her before you sleep with her". I also respect parents wishing to share their values with their children. However, I don't think that forbidding something from happening in your home is the best way to ensure that your teen adopts your values. I think a loving, mutually respectful, open and connected relationship is the best way to do that.
Here are a few things that I know about teens and sex, from first or second hand experience:
- Teens who decide that they are ready to have sex are going to have sex, whether you allow it in your home or not (they'll find somewhere else to do it and that may not be a safe place or with a safe person)
- Teens who are not ready to have sex, will not have sex, just because you allow it in your home
- Teens who give into pressure to have sex when they are not ready are going to do that whether you allow it in your home or not
- If teens of the opposite sex have a sleepover, that doesn't necessarily mean they are having sex
- If teens of the same sex have a sleepover, that doesn't necessarily mean they are not having sex
I reject the idea that "teens are going to have sex anyway, so you might as well allow it in your home", because I don't think that is entirely true. Some teens do opt not to have sex. That said, I also reject the idea that allowing your teen to have opposite sex sleepovers is encouraging them to enter into sexual relationships before they are ready.
These aren't just my crazy ideas. In the book Not Under My Roof, Amy Shalet looks at parents, teens and the culture of sex in the United States and the Netherlands.
For American parents, teenage sex is something to be feared and forbidden: most would never consider allowing their children to have sex at home, and sex is a frequent source of family conflict. In the Netherlands, where teenage pregnancies are far less frequent than in the United States, parents aim above all for family cohesiveness, often permitting young couples to sleep together and providing them with contraceptives.
I haven't read the book yet, but it certainly fits with both my experience and my worldview on parenting and sex.
If you don't want your children to have sex before they are ready and don't want them to practice unsafe sex, I think the best way to do that is:
- Instill self-confidence and a sense of self-worth in your children
- Teach them to respect themselves and to respect others (that means teaching them to say 'no' when they want to say 'no' and teaching them to hear and respect 'no')
- Teach them about safe sex and be open to answering their questions
- Share your opinions about sex with them, but be sure to tell them that they are free to form their own opinions and make their own decisions
- Tell them that they can come to you with any questions that they have, but also make sure there are other people they can go to with questions if they are not comfortable talking to you (doctor, older sister/brother, aunt/uncle, school guidance counselor, anonymous teen help phone, etc.)
- Ensure they have an easy way to get condoms and other forms of birth control if they decide that they need it
Then, after you have done that, trust your child. There really isn't a huge difference between 16 years old and under the shackles of the parental roof versus 18 years old and in a college dorm. If you haven't given them the skills to make good decisions by the time they are 16, then you probably have bigger things to worry about than just this issue.
I hope that if I teach my kids well, that they will make good decisions. But if they don't and if one of them does end up with a revolving door of lovers coming in and out of our house, at least I may know about it and have an opportunity to talk to them about it. The parents who make sex sound dirty and forbid sex at home -- they may (unknowingly) have the same problem, without the opportunity for dialogue.
Photo credit: michi003 on flickr
Reader Comments (184)
What she said. (Ariane, you may not have been speaking for me, but I'll definitely co-sign this!)
JLove, you want to discuss Scripture, I'm game. The Bible is a fascinating collection of documents, bit of a hobby of mine. Email me at alankingsleythomas@gmail.com .
What does "OP" stand for? Also, could you explain what "meaningless sex" is?
"OP" is "original post". In this case, the post PhDiP wrote up at the top of the screen.
Conversely to Ariane, I can't speak for her, but to me "meaningless sex" means sex with someone you don't have a deep emotional connection to, but are just doing it mainly for fun, for the physical pleasure it offers. (Is that really an alien concept to you, or were you being snarky?)
OP = Original Piece - the article we are all commenting on.
Meaningless sex is the kind of sex with no more emotional involvement than a desire to have fun and make sure your partner has fun. It requires respect, but not love. It has nothing to do with a relationship, it's just the enjoyment of bumping uglies. Not everyone likes meaningless sex, but it can be lots of fun. On the other hand, it can be a complete disaster if a person conflates sex and love, which is why I want my kids to have a very clear understanding of their demarcation.
I'm sorry, this is just too much to type and its getting confusing to reply to certain comments. To be completely honest, this is too overwhelming for me on several levels. For one, I feel deeply saddened for these parents who have posted on here who have such "progressive" ideas about sex. And actually, I feel even more sad for their children who will be brought up in such an environment where sex has no value. Meaningless, to put it in your own words.
And yes, I do understand the concept of "meaningless sex", but I do not agree that there is such a thing. I do not believe sex can be meaningless, because as SlackerInc and I have already established, when people have sex it is not just a visceral act. We have emotions. We have feelings. We have desires. Needs. Wants. Expectations. And I'm not talking about one's sex drive anymore. We have a mind that cannot just block something out when we choose to. Our bodies & minds (and hearts) are inseparable. So how then, can it ever just be, meaningless?
I think it's unfair to the "progressive" POV to ascribe it as taking away all meaning from all sex. What I am saying, and I suspect Ariane would agree, is that sex can be extremely meaningful and emotionally intimate, but it doesn't have to be. Here's an analogy for you: a back massage from my wife feels good in my muscles, but it also feels very loving and emotionally warm. A massage from a massage therapist does not contain any of that emotional power, but it is still something valid on its own terms and it doesn't prevent me from having intimacy with my wife when she massages my back. Right?
See to me, massage and sexual intercourse are two very different things. I understand what you are trying to communicate, and its very clear that we have very different starting points. I view sex as sacred, inherent with meaning. Separating the two (physical from the non-physical part of a person) is not possible.
my daughter is a very beautiful 15 year old girl who became sexually active with a boyfriend she dated for almost one year. I was not aware for a few months into them being sexually active until I asked her and she responded, "yes". She seemed relieved that I knew. Thankfully she was on birth control due to menstrual problems and used condoms. The boy's mother and I got to know each other very well and made sure we both communicated regularly. It was a very pleasant situation and the kids still managed to have sex right under our noses!!
She has since broken up with her boyfriend and is now dating another young man who is a year older than she. I suspect they are also becoming sexually active or will soon. This young man is becoming a part of our family and is very comfortable being here. We do have house rules just like his parents do, but she has stayed over at his home on occasion due to the distance between our homes. His parents have him sleep a few blocks away at a friend's home and she sleeps in his sisters room. We would be open to the idea of having him spend the night on occasion but would never allow them to sleep together over night in our home.
I do believe that having standards is important to teach teens values and boundaries. I believe it's important to set a standard but keep your eyes and ears open, as well as trying to remember what it was like to be their age!! I have raised my children with morals and standards, but I agree that we can't keep our eyes on them all of the time and yes, teenagers will be very creative about finding places to be intimate. It becomes a priority to make sure they are safe and feel comfortable coming to you without fear.
"Kids preparing for college don’t need (or truly understand) the complications of relationships. I do see a huge difference between 16 and 18 and well, it’s difference in me spending 2 years raising a grandchild in my home and my daughter/son raising that child on their own. "
Wow. Love that attitude. I completely disagree. I'm 21 years old. I had my first kiss at 13 and "dated" after that. I first at sex at 18. It was protected, and I have only been with that one person. If you read the article, she states that if teens want to have sex, they will, and if they don't they won't. I had plenty of opportunities at a younger age, and I decided against it because I was not ready and didn't want to be with someone I didn't love. No, kids don't truly understand the complications of relationships, but you won't stop anything by forbidding it and that's how you learn. Experiences show us what the right kind of relationship is-Who we want to date, what is not okay. If a teenager wants to date, then you are crippling them by not allowing to date because it takes time to learn how to be a good partner. Plus, high school was a breeze. You're supposed to have fun as a kid not be cooped up studying all day (this coming from a salutatorian, by the way). Lighten up.
My mother let my boyfriend sleep over all the time. We had sex, and I never lied to her about it. I was 16 then.
When I was 14 my boyfriend lived with us because his parents kicked him out (long story). We slept in the same bed for 6 months and never once had sex.
I felt ready at 16 and we we smart about it, we used protection and after I told my mother she put me on birth control. My boyfriends mom let me sleep over there but I of course had to sleep in the guest room. Whatever works for the individuals, though. No option is "right".
When I have kids, I will do the same. If they want to have sex they will find a way.
I'll be the old fashioned oddball here. I will teach my children that sex is a gift, it's not gross and it's not God, but it is not meant to be had outside the covenant of marriage either.
I don't think it makes you an oddball if you want to share your values with your children and encourage them to adopt the same values. The important question for me, however, is what happens if they decide that they don't share those values?
This was a very interesting read and I totally agree with it. My oldest is 15 and became sexually active last summer. She came to me and told me she was ready and she'd been with her bf for almost a year by that time, so I wasn't overly surprised. Her bf's mom and I talked about it and knew we couldn't stop it so we agreed to allow weekend sleepovers at my house. His mom, although accepting them being sexually active, wasn't comfortable enough with them sleeping at her house, and I agreed to allow the sleepovers here. It's worked out extrememly well and my daughter and her bf have a very healthy relationship both physically and emotionally and although a few of my friends roll their eyes at the situation I have no regrets. They both are high honor roll students, active in band and wonderful teenagers who have never given me any problems at all. I'm not sure this would work for everyone but it has worked out great for us.
Just wondering...have you also sat down with your sexually active teenage couple and asked them if their "relationship is both physically & emotionally" healthy enough and ready to have a baby? Because if they are not ready, should they really be having sex in the first place?
I wasn't ready to have a baby for the first 9 years of my marriage. I guess I shouldn't have been having sex either.
And I am definitely not ready to have a baby now - my 3 are enough! - so I should also not be having sex.
This is extremely cool. Theresa. Kudos for your progressive attitude!
Aw, jeez, Theresa...could you be any more retrograde? I mean, c'mon. It never fails to amaze me that there are still people who think this way. Now I picture you wearing a prairie dress and a bonnet, like Ma Ingalls! LOL This attitude just isn't realistic, and doesn't acknowledge the reality of the adolescent sex drive.
And I mean, seriously: by this logic you should never drive (or ride in) any vehicle on public streets or highways. Sure, you take precautions and have safety measures; but there's still an inherent risk by being in traffic that you might get in an accident. For that matter, you can't know when walking down the sidewalk that some drunk driver isn't going to run off the road and hit you. So you'd better just stay home all the time.
Oops, I obviously meant to direct that last comment at Jlove, not Theresa! Theresa's attitude: very progressive, perfect. Jlove's attitude: very old-fashioned, uncool. Sorry for the mixup!
Were you single? Were you a 15 year old? Living under your parent's roof and dependent on their finances to survive? Because I thought that was the context we are discussing here?
Jlove, what about a married couple that hit hard times in this recession and maybe moved in with parents/in-laws? Should they stop having sex until they are financially independent again? Even if they are careful with their contraception use?
If I'd had a baby at that point in time, I may have become dependent on my parents (or social assistance) to survive. We were barely getting by, which is one reason we chose not to have kids at that point (although we were certainly having sex).
Again, keywords would be *Married* and *adult* relationship. Just not sure why you don't see the distinction that I am trying to make here. 15 yr. old teens vs. married adults...just aren't at the same place in life, regardless of how financially set they may or may not be. I guess, I'm not necessarily trying to convince you (or anyone) that I feel 15 yr. old single teens should not be having sex. But I am purporting some obvious differences set them a part from adults, who are married, who are dependent, and who don't need to have "permission" to have sex in their own homes. Its kinda creepy that these parents are sitting around discussing their children's sex life. I'm pretty sure adults don't do the same for their adult children and CERTAINLY don't do that with their children's in-laws, and if they do--that's just plain creepy too!
What I don't understand, is how a parent truly feels its in their child's best interest to engage in sex as a teen?!? I've not heard a good argument how the pro's out weigh the con's. The potential emotional & physical pain and suffering far outweigh the immediate sexual relief they might feel. As parents, we are to guard and protect and direct our children to safe and productive choices...not lead them to the edge of a cliff and tell them...its your choice...knowing full well that while the thrill might be great...its not safe and could even lead to death. But for sure, they will get hurt...its inevitable by nature of the fall they are about to experience if they choose to jump!
Jlove, the bottom line is that if it was remotely comparable for a teenager to have sex vs. jumping off a cliff (good grief, listen to yourself! honestly...), teenagers would not have gone through puberty and have strong sexual attractions to each other.
Oh, and no: it's not "for sure, they will get hurt". I'm sure any number of people on here can tell you they had sex as teens and didn't get hurt.
Good grief? Wow. Listen to YOURself! You don't think a child having sex is likely to get hurt (either physically or emotionally)? Don't you think there is any of risk involved? Have you read the latest CDC reports on the high rate of STI's? What about talking with teens themselves? Do you understand how many of them have been hurt because they gave themselves sexually to another only to have that person break their heart and move on to the next lover? I just don't understand why you don't think we shouldn't teach teens impulse control? After all, we are not dogs...who cannot control their instinct to "go at it"! We are human beings, with a mind--a rationale--that can say NO to "strong sexual attractions". Its the beginning of a life long discipline of saying "NO" to oneself. Its helping them to learn that while they might have sexual attractions, they CAN say no them them as well. We have to do this as adults just the same, so why not help them learn this while they are young?
And on the illustration, I was trying to put it in a way that you might understand what I was trying to say. I guess I was just taking your lead...wasn't it you who said I just might as well stay home??? I didn't agree with your comparison, but I did understand what you were trying to say--but was able to respectfully disagree. If you re-read my posts above, I've raised some really serious questions/issues, none of which you've addressed. It appears all you like to do is make fun rather than actually respond intelligently with a well thought out reply.
A teenager is not a child, they have gone through puberty. I really object to that misnomer, it's deliberately misleading.
Further, the serious issues you have raised that haven't been addressed are predicated on a model of parenting with which I, at least, don't agree. Yes, teenagers are quite likely to get hurt emotionally if they have sex, as they are if they don't have sex. The boy that broke my heart the worst, I never had sex with (a decision which I still look back on as a silly one). I also don't think I should have been protected from that relationship or guided against it. Teen years are trial runs for adulthood - it's a time to get hurt, to test your limits and to find out what you want in a partner and a relationship.
I don't agree that it's my job to ensure my children don't get hurt (my kids are still children) and I let them do things that risk skinning knees and even breaking limbs (although fortunately we've avoided that so far), and, indeed dying (sleeping in a top bunk and walking to school can both be fatal). It's my job to teach them to be independent, not to guide and protect them from all risk. My eldest decided when he was capable of crossing the road by himself, not me (I actually thought he was ready before he did). That's a much riskier proposition than having sex, so I'll be more than happy to let him make the decision about when he's capable of having sex. I'll be providing all the information he requires to make that decision intelligently, including about STIs, pregnancy, enthusiastic consent and the importance of sex being fun for everyone involved.
Lastly, my kids know I have sex, why should I not know they do? I'm not interested in intimate details any more than they are, but the simple "are they or aren't they?" question isn't a creepy thing to know, it's just part of growing up.
Another great post I'll gladly cosign. Jlove, you say I don't address your points, but my cosigning of Ariane's post should address quite a bit.
"A teenager is not a child, they have gone through puberty." Likewise, a teenager (adolescent) is not an adult. I really object to THAT misnomer, treating teenagers like they are adults and thinking they can understand the implications and long term effects having sex will be for the rest of their lives!
I've been thinking a little about this site and the ideas of people (like you) and I seem to be quite different. I think it comes down to some pretty basics differences in how we must view the sexual relationship. See, I understand how fulfilling it is to be married, in a loving and life-long committed relationship with my husband. I chose not to have sex until I was married, and I'm incredibly happy and fulfilled that I waited. I have absolutely no regrets...and I 100% would not have done it differently knowing now what I did not know then. It took a lot of commitment and dedication to wait until I was 29 years old...the day I married my love. I don't say this braggingly, but it was not for lack of opportunity that I did not have sex. I was in several long(er) term dating relationships and we all know what the natural progression is when you feel that you love someone. But I did not want to give myself to someone who I was not married to, because...and I think herein lies the fundamental difference that we have. I believe the only truly safe place to have sex is within marriage.
The second point I'd like to make is that I believe teaching my children not to take something that might be good (having sex as a teen) to wait for something that is better (sex in marriage) is a value worth passing on to my kids. I have NEVER, and I mean never met anyone who has regretted waiting till marriage to have sex...but I have heard many, and I say many, who have regretted their past sexual activity (including my dear husband). I regret it along with. It could have had a devastating impact on our current and future life together. Fortunately the HPV strain that he passed on to me has not tuned into cervical cancer and I've been able to have some minor surgeries to take care of the "bad cells". But I wonder...are you willing to take these kind of risks with your own children? Did you know the HPV rate is over 80% among sexually active people? Have you ever wondered why the rate of young women getting cervical cancer is dramatically on the rise (which is from the strains of HPV that cause cancer)? I guess for me, I do want to help steer my children away from such a disease and yes, ultimately protect and prolong their lives. Is that such a bad thing? Of course...I cannot make these decisions for them, and you are absolutely correct that the adolescent years are a time to learn and sometimes mistakes happen along the way. I'm am hoping by the time they are teens, they will know and understand the value in waiting to have sex until they are married and it will be their choice to wait. They will know our story and the regret that it holds and I will certainly
tell the the truth about "safe sex" and that there isn't such a thing.
Finally, either Alan or Ariane: I do have a question that has yet to be answered: How is it in their child’s best interest to engage in sex as a teen?!? I’ve not heard a good argument how the pro’s out weigh the con’s. What is your thinking on this?
I've had sex both in and out of marriage, and neither one is better than the other for me. It's possible one of my kids may have the experience that sex in marriage is way better than outside it, but it's all a bit arbitrary. For starters, if they aren't cis heterosexual, they won't be able to get married, so the point is moot.
As for HPV, it's a generational thing. All my kids will be vaccinated (including my sons - if it hasn't been added to the free list by the time they reach 14, I'll pay for it), so the argument is much less relevant. I'm sorry you've had that experience - this is why the vaccine was so sorely needed. Condoms, however, do protect against it anyway. Also, there is no such thing as 100% safe sex, as there is no such thing as 100% safe anything. Knowing the risks is the key.
As for why it's in their best interest to engage in sex as a teen, well that depends on the teen. If they decide it is, then I don't believe I have the right to stop them. Fully informed teen sex has its risks, but they are fairly low. The advantage they get is experience. The more you have sex, the better you are at it. The more you realise what you want out of it. This is true for all aspects of a relationship and teen years can be valuable time for determining what you need in a partner.
As a population, we seem to be growing up more and more slowly. Less and less people are ready to settle down and be an "adult" before they are 25 (myself included). As a result, we are having kids later and having more issues with fertility. I feel quite strongly that the infantilisation of teens is one of the reasons for this. I agree with you that teens are not adults, but I think they should be treated as adults with a safety net. They should be making their own decisions, behaving like an adult, but with a soft landing when they make mistakes. Part of that is having sex. I should point out, this is a whole package idea. If teens are treated as children, are given no responsibility and not expected to make their own decisions, they are probably in no position to be making the decision to have sex. If you treat your teens more like kids than adults, then you'd probably be right that sex is not in their best interest. If, however, teens are treated as adults in every other way (with the appropriate safety net), then sex is just another thing. Much less dangerous than getting their driver's licence.
I think your first point is intrinsically linked to your second. It is probably true that people who believe sex should only happen in marriage would not regret waiting (unless their partner couldn't figure out / didn't care to meet their sexual needs).
However, for people who do not believe that sex should only happen in marriage, waiting until marriage or only ever having one sexual partner (because they ended up marrying the first person they had sex with) could bring regret that they didn't have the opportunity to experiment a bit.
I know as many people who regret not taking the opportunity to experiment as I do people who feel they experimented too much.
I think it is important to teach teens that the decision to have sex is not one to enter into lightly, however, within my system of beliefs I don't see any value in pushing someone to wait until they are married. If anything, I think that could result in them deciding to get married before they are ready (a decision I feel should not be entered into lightly).
I totally respect the opinion of those that think teens should not be having sex, however whether we want them to or not...some do. And when and if they do, we want them to be educated and safe. My daughter and her bf have a wonderful relationship, with good communication, thoughtfulness, similar interests and sex is only a part of their relationship. It's not like that when they are together they have to do the bumpity bump every chance they get because they have other things that they do together that they both enjoy. But they have learned that sex can be wonderful in a committed relationship and whether they stay together or not they have both learned how responsible sex can enhance their relationship and any future relationships that they may be in.
I just wanted to make a few corrections-- Arianne, as you are bit misguided/ ill-informed:
1) HPV can infect areas that are not covered by a condom - so condoms DO NOT fully protect against HPV (CDC). Condoms only cover so much skin...and since HPV is contracted from skin to skin contact...so well, you fill in the rest!
2) HPV vaccines do NOT prevent one from getting HPV. It may prevent one from getting certain strains of HPV (there are many and one can contract many). For example, "GARDASIL helps protect against 2 types of HPV that cause about 75% of cervical cancer cases, and 2 more types that cause 90% of genital warts cases. In boys and young men ages 9 to 26, GARDASIL helps protect against 90% of genital warts cases." (gardasil.com) Therefore it does not work like, say, the chicken pox vaccine--one-n-done style immunizing. A person who is immunized is still at risk for contracting HPV--I am living proof of that!
So... you would rate getting an STI such as HPV as a "fairly low risk"? At least one out of every two sexually active people have or will get HPV...so I guess just hope for the best and hope its not a deadly one eh? Hope you go over those details...uh, I mean "fairly low risks" with your teens!! Oh, and we're just talking about one, just ONE of DOZENS of STI's...ones' like HIV, that don't have such a good prognosis. And interestingly, the only mode of prevention that has worked to decrease the HIV prevalence rate in the most highly infected region of the world (sub-Saharan Africa) is **shocker**, abstinence (till marriage and faithfulness in marriage) and NOT condoms! ("Take the well-known case of Uganda, where the prevalence rate dropped from 15% in 1991 to a little over 5% in 2001. Behavior change was so thorough in Uganda that by the mid-1990s, 95% of adults in that country said they had only one partner or none at all." http://www.zenit.org/article-21909?l=english)
And I digress! But truly, at the heart of all this discussion is the precious lives we have been given as children! I think I can safely say that we ALL want what's best for our children. We want them to grow up being loved & fulfilled in life. None of what our children to hurt and suffer needlessly. It sounds like we just take really different approaches to how we are helping them to accomplish this. Ultimately, teens are not adults. They are still our children and under our supervision and guidance. There are many things I hope to pass along to my girls. But one thing for certain is that I will unashamedly teach my girls about what it means to be a woman of virtue, of integrity, and of strong moral character. Ultimately it will be their choice what they do with their virginity. I hope and pray they choose wisely! And by ALL MEANS, I will tell them the whole truth about sex...inside and outside of marriage!!!!!!! I will tell them about the pain it has caused in my husband and I's relationship, and what are the harsh consequences of having multiple sex partners and casual, "meaningless sex" outside of marriage. I will tell them that many in this world will tell them it doesn't really matter, that its not sacred, precious, and meant to be shared with ONE PERSON for life. See to me, it does matter. It matters greatly...when you view it as sacred and emotional and beautiful. It matters because it is the uniting of two human beings, mixing...giving and receiving of each other physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. In the single act of intercourse, you give yourself to that other person. There is a bond that takes place that cannot be taken back or undone. And for my girls in their future, I want them to have something like what I have in the special relationship that I share with my husband. Its awesome...its challenging...it rewarding...its extremely fulfilling..it's a LOT of hard work...and sex, well, that's just the cherry on top! :) (oh...and REALLY great, too!)
jlove, yes, I know those statistics, and believe me, that makes it a MUCH better vaccine than chicken pox (3 vaccinated kids, 3 cases of chicken pox in our family, and that's nothing unusual). And yes, I think it's low risk. Being exposed to HPV doesn't mean one will get cervical cancer, and as the vaccine increases in usage, the incidence in the general population will drop. Risk is something people calculate badly. 80% sounds scary, but the vast majority of that is harmless - the body fights it off and it never represents a cervical cancer risk. Pap smears generally detect any nasty cells before they become cancerous. Risk is in everything, and the risk from getting in a car is a lot greater than the risk of having sex.
As a comparison, 75% of potting mix contains legionella (ref http://www.eurosurveillance.org/ViewArticle.aspx?ArticleId=19497) - a bacteria that causes Legionnaire's disease which kills about 10-13% of those infected. But quite reasonably we don't suggest people abstain from gardening, because that prevalence doesn't translate into terrifying infection rates. It does, however, suggest that people should use precautions. Wearing a mask won't stop all infections, but cuts the risk dramatically. It's a very good analogy for HPV - except HPV has pap smears as an extra line of defence.
You have a very different view of what sex is from me, and that's fine. If you want to pass on values that sex is sacred to your children, that's entirely reasonable, but inflating risk to scare them into sharing your values is disingenuous, and probably not necessary. You clearly feel deeply about this, and your genuine faith in the sanctity of sex will probably rub off on your kids.
I posted in January (post 71) about my 16 year old daughter and her boyfriend, who have been allowed to sleep in the same bed for over 6 months now. They have slept in the same bed on around 10 separate occasions, but they still have not yet had sex, although they have both made all necessary preparations (taking birth control pill, purchased condoms) as they still don't feel ready yet. In this case it is the boy who is not ready and my daughter who is ready, but she respects his decision as she would expect him to respect it if it were hers.
I am completely happy for this to be their decision in their own time, and have great respect for them that they are not feeling pressured into escalating their relationship due to peer pressure etc
If people are trusted to make their own decisions, at whatever age, they are completely capable of taking responsible and caring decisions. Give your kids relevant information, make sure they have the knowledge they need, and trust them!
Jlove, I agree with all the recent posts responding to yours, with the slight exception of not necessarily agreeing with Ariane that "your genuine faith in the sanctity of sex will probably rub off on your kids." What I've observed is that maybe two-thirds of the time, it does rub off, but the other third of the time the kids rebel bigtime and do a 180 (meaning lots of sneaking around, until they get to college and it becomes easier). So given that such families tend to be on the large side, odds are that one of your daughters is going to chafe at your heavy-handed prescriptive morality and become what you would probably call "promiscuous". Hopefully you'll still find it in your heart to love her if so.
The only other thing I'd add is that your being a 28 year old female virgin, by choice, has got to be extraordinarily unusual. (I can't even find statistics about twentysomething virgins, but in the U.S., the average age of first sexual intercourse is 17.) I wouldn't want to live in a country full of such hyper-religious, "virtuous maidens" (and matrons), that's for sure.
That's awesome, Motherhen!
I am probably the only one posting here who watches the TV show AWAKE (it has really, really low ratings and will soon be cancelled, alas). In a recent episode, the main character's son (age 15 in the pilot, so no more than 16) had his girlfriend sneak in and stay over without the boy's dad catching them. They show a conversation where the boy is shocked to learn that his girlfriend's parents know she slept over with him, and trust her because they are "progressive parents" who would probably be more upset that she is eating Froot Loops (the sugar). The writers seem to be gently teasing "progressive parents" like us for forbidding sugar but not teen sex; but I wasn't offended because they also present this girl as being a kind, intelligent, poised young woman who seems to have a better attitude about family relationships than the son does.
I was brought up the way you describe, JLove. I spent my teenaged years feeling ashamed of what I now know were perfectly normal feelings, pushing away boys when those natural feelings were strong (because of the fear instilled in me), and being too afraid (and ignorant) to go to the doctor on one occasion when I had a simple yeast infection because I thought STIs could be transmitted via light petting (SIX MONTHS I suffered, for NOTHING, all because I was so ashamed of something that wasn't even sex!). Looking back, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that waiting to have sex harmed me. A healthier attitude and the educated use of contraceptives would have resulted in a lot less baggage for me as an adult. It also would have resulted in one less divorce and a lot more happiness for my five siblings (see my earlier post). So yes, I think for some teens, having sex is a positive choice that brings confidence, prompts the desire to be educated about their bodies, and helps them come to terms with the role that sexuality plays in their overall identities.
[...] There was a then wonderful post inspired by this same article over at PhD In Parenting which furthers the conversation about co-ed sleepovers. Annie, the author, provides a realistic perspective on the subject. And then, if you really [...]
I agree with phdinparenting. I'm not a parent myself, but I do think it depends on the individual. Some 15 year olds are way more mature than some 21 year olds I've met. I have to say, though, I am very interested in reading that book mentioned comparing American culture towards sex and the Netherlands. I recently was up in that region and I could not believe how many single mothers there are up there!
And after having talked with a few young adults during my stay up there (some had kids already, some were observant like me), it's pretty clear that while *teenage* pregnancy is low...early 20's pregnancy is quite high.
Personally, while I agree that if your teenage kid wants to have sex, they are going to find a way to have sex whether in your home or not...I don't see this as an excuse to not set down any ground rules or at least establish some sort of authority with your children. If I was a parent, I'd try to explain to them why waiting is a good thing (not waiting for marriage, but waiting for the right person) and if they do decide to do it, then they better be safe about it and deal with the consequences, should there be any. I would still also tell them...not in my home. I wouldn't want to be in a house where I knew my kids were having sex anymore than I would want to be in a home where I knew my parents were having sex.
It sounds harsh, but I think I really will be that parent that tells their kid, "Daughter/Son...trust me, you DON'T want to be that kid at 16 with a kid. It's HARD and you're pretty much giving up your 20's and 30's...that's like the best years of your life right there." or "Daughter/Son, trust me...you DON'T want to be that kid in High School walking around with VD."
If you had a kid when you were 16, wouldn't you still have an "empty nest" by age 34 (or at least more of a roommate you could leave at home and not worry about)? Your late teens and your 20s as a single unattached person would be wiped out, I agree; but not your 30s.
Thanks for re-posting this on Twitter Annie! I know you and I have had brief conversations about it, and I absolutely agree with your viewpoints.
My daughter is now 16, and has been with her boyfriend (aged 17) for a year and a half now. We've been talking very openly about sex for years, so I have been confident for a while now that she has all the information she needs to make a thoughtful decision when the time is right for them. And when I refer to information, it includes not only the clinical (reproductive, STIs) but the emotional side as well.
As it turns out, they're nearing the time - so I set up an appointment for her with our family doctor and they're armed with an arsenal of protection and information. My problem is that my family disagrees with my openness and viewpoints on it (believe if I talk to her about it I'm "giving her permission") and so who KNOWS where they'll end up doing it. It bothers me a lot that they can't just do it in the safety and comfort of their own homes.
Thanks so much for this post. My eldest turns 16 tomorrow and is having her boyfriend stay for a couple of nights on the weekend. They plan on sleeping in her room, her boyfriend on a mattress on the floor. I have no issue at all over this, we've always been open about sex with each other & she's told me she's not ready. Even if she were, there would be nothing I could do to stop it. Unfortunately my mother is disgusted by the fact I am allowing this and is coming to talk to us about it *rolls eyes*
When I was my daughters age, I wasn't allowed boys in my room for any reason at all. There was no privacy. Yet at almost 17 years of age when I started talking about moving out of home, just for privacy reasons, my parents thought this a good idea and actively encouraged it. I moved out 2 weeks after I turned 17, afterwards feeling trapped of living with someone I didn't even particularly like. I stayed that way for 11 years because I had nowhere to go.
I would much rather my daughter feel she can privacy in her own home than to feel like she has to move out way too soon.
Thank you so much for helping me realise I am doing the right thing
Jodi, it sounds like our parents took a similar approach...I also moved out at 17 because I felt like I wasn't trusted and had no privacy with other people. I was a good kid, got good grades, had a job, was close with my parents, had a longterm boyfriend...but I was never trusted to be alone with him for any reason. And honestly, talking and cuddling in full view of your parents is pretty awkward! Half of the time I probably wouldn't have even been doing anything sexual, but I felt like I was under suspect constantly.
My daughter is 16 and has a friend the same age, who she feels very close to. They both have boyfriend's who they each have been with for several months and to whom they feel committed.
My daughter's friend is from a religious background, and she is very strictly monitored, with absolutely no chance of her boyfriend staying over, and no discussion of sex before marriage, it is considered not a possibility by her parents, so no need to talk about it.
My daughter has free and frank discussion and has been allowed to have her boyfriend stay in her room for the last 5 months.
Her friend has been sexually active with her boyfriend for several months, hiding away from her parents and making love in strange hidden places, wherever they can find privacy, sometimes taking risks.
My daughter and her boyfriend who are trusted to know their own minds and choose their own path have mutually decided that they are not yet ready to have intercourse in spite of having every opportunity and spending several nights together in the same bed. They have discussed contraception and both are planning on taking responsibility for it when they do decide to consummate their relationship, my daughter has taken herself to the family planning clinic and has gone on the pill, but they are also planning to use condoms to be extra safe. My daughter has discussed it all with me, and knows that I trust her to be sensible and careful.
I really believe that a parent's best course is to trust their child, and to show that trust by giving them as full information as possible and then letting them make their own decisions as to when and where is right for them.
I love this comment so much. Thank you for sharing.
I love it too, and want to be this open with my children when they are teens. If my parents had done the same, it would have mad a big difference in the risky decisions I made as a teen! I am curious about the boyfriends' parents approach with their boys. It seems extra challenging if the parents of the couple are not on the same page. Do you discuss teen sexuality with the boyfriend and his parents too?
Yes, I think that would be the only challenge for me, Nora. I wouldn't want to get stuck in a situation where someone is sneaking around behind their parents' back, pretending to be somewhere else (e.g. at a friend's house), and then coming into my home to have sex. It would be so much easier if the whole culture/society was on the same page.
Thanks for writing this post! As someone who works in the sexual health field, we need to do a better job of demystifying teenage sexualities and being positive and open about what teens do instead of being fearful and judgmental. When I was a teen, my mom was very open with me in talking about sex and made sure I knew how to make smart choices for myself when the time came. I was an intelligent, well-rounded, thoughtful person, in the top of my class and very responsible, and there was a lot of trust between us. She allowed me from the age of 15 to have my boyfriends (there were 2 during high school) to sleep over and for me to sleep over at their houses, not only just a night here and there, but for lengths of time. I'd often stay with my boyfriend for a long weekend to two weeks at a time during summers or school holidays. Yes, from the age of 15. I didn't have sex until I was 18 and well into my first year of college because that's when I felt I was ready. I might not be the norm in the sort of freedoms I was allowed, but I don't think I was some crazy outlier either in the choices I made for myself. I only hope I can help my children to one day feel as positive and confident about making those choices for themselves as my family did for me, and I hope I can also enable them to have the same opportunities for deciding for themselves what's best.