Saturday
Jul232011
Perceptions
Saturday, July 23, 2011
"Nobody played with me all day," he says as I'm lying with him at bedtime. Sometimes he may be right, because of the nature of what was on our agenda that day or simply because he opted for solo activities instead. Sometimes, however, it sounds like an exaggeration at best and a slap in the face at worst on those days when I played game after game or planned a series of fun activities.
"No one ever plays with me," he says. Not true, I think."Don't you remember when we played this or when you and Daddy played that." Those, in his mind, were exceptions, of course and not the rule.
I like fostering some independence in our kids and having them able to entertain themselves. I don't see it as my responsibility to be their personal entertainment director all day long. But I also want the time we spend together to be memorable. I would like us to have joint memories of the good times and the bad, things that we can share, cherish, and look back on together.
I'm sure my childhood memories do not match those of my parents exactly (except where they have told the same story so many times that it is etched that way in my memory) and I want my children to develop their own memories and perceptions. I just hope, selfishly perhaps, that I'll be part of them.
Do your children sometimes perceive things differently from you?
"No one ever plays with me," he says. Not true, I think."Don't you remember when we played this or when you and Daddy played that." Those, in his mind, were exceptions, of course and not the rule.
I like fostering some independence in our kids and having them able to entertain themselves. I don't see it as my responsibility to be their personal entertainment director all day long. But I also want the time we spend together to be memorable. I would like us to have joint memories of the good times and the bad, things that we can share, cherish, and look back on together.
I'm sure my childhood memories do not match those of my parents exactly (except where they have told the same story so many times that it is etched that way in my memory) and I want my children to develop their own memories and perceptions. I just hope, selfishly perhaps, that I'll be part of them.
Do your children sometimes perceive things differently from you?
Reader Comments (8)
"Do your children sometimes perceive things differently from you?" --- Heck ya! Maybe I remember more because it takes a lot of work to plan daily activities or maybe it's because I blog about them and relive our days through the pictures I took... I don't know. But, it can be discouraging when I ask my child what the best part of his day was and looks at me with a blank look on his face (especially when it was a day packed with his favourite things).
At the end of the day though, I don't care of he doesn't remember the specifics of our days, as long as he remembers the feeling of being loved. A lot!
Tons of times. Don't worry. I recall the memorable "Why don't you like to spend quality time with me?" I almost die from maternal guilt but remain calm enough to ask him what "quality time" means for him. To play chess - he told me. It happens I detest chess. I explain him so, we talk about the time we enjoy together and negotiate that “chess” will be a issue he will have to solved with someone else *cough* dad *cough*
My mom and I have totally different viewpoints of my childhood. I don't think I had a bad childhood by any means. But, she always lumps the three of us together (I have two sisters). She'll say things like the girls hated tomatoes, when only one of us did. We were so close together in age, I really think she confuses us.
We have this same issue in our house. We can spend a day that's all play, all the kids' favourite meals, and if one not-so-great thing happens (someone falls down, someone doesn't win the game, someone doesn't get the treat they want), THAT is the thing they focus on, that is what makes it a bad day. I start to think, well, maybe we've focused too much on them, made them self-centred, maybe we should be leaving them to their own devices and boredom so they appreciate the good things. But then again, I don't like the idea of the parents' role being to teach kids that life sucks. We WANT our time together to be full of fun and love, we do like spending time with them. We're hoping in the end they remember a happy childhood.
Of course! but that is normal, they are their own people.
When my kids say things like 'no one played with me today' I try to figure out what this feeling is: are they feeling lonely? jealous of a sibling? they did not get to play the one thing they wanted? it can be hard to hear these things, but it's important to try to validate the feeling they are trying to express even if it is a bit clumsy or hurtful to our parental ears.
And the perspective of a child is so different. My favourite illustrative story: a neighbour told me that after taking the family of 5 to Disneyland for a week, the oldest was 6 I think, she asked them what their favourite part was, and the 6 year old say excitedly: "When my tooth fell out!!". No need to travel by plane to Florida for that. But we have our adult ideas about what is fun and exciting and kids don't always share them. Which brings me to the idea of quality and quantity time.
I hear so many people talk about so important to have quality time with their kids and honestly, I think it's mostly a way for parents to justify how we use our time, because from what I see in my kids, quantity time IS quality time. That is, kids just want you there doing stuff with them, from seeing them play in the sand, to holding them while they scream, to having dinner, to teaching them something special, like how to sew. We have this idea of ok, here is our quality time let's make it happen, but they way I see it, is that that is something that creates pressure and often leads to disappointment, tears and screaming (kids and/or parents), whereas the memories we often treasure (quality time if you will) are those that come unexpectedly and with serendipity.
All this to say, just because we had a good time, doesn't mean our kids did in the same way. And that IS okay.
I have to say, we just got back from Disney World, and were very happy to hear our six year old say his favourite part was spending time with the family. We were ever so slightly worried he'd say it was OK but he really wanted to go to Place X, or something of the like... :) (But it is true, had he lost a tooth there, I know for sure that would have trumped everything!)
They absolutely differ.
As parents, we see a much bigger picture and understand how each activity is incorporated into the day. My kids, at 5 and 3, only really see/remember what affects them directly. They don't understand all the peripheral things we do FOR them, even if we're not doing it WITH them. I think that makes a big difference.
That said, and picking up on the thread of other commenters, I remember when we went to Florida a few years ago for the first time as a family and I was DEVASTATED that things weren't going how I'd planned. But you know what? The kids didn't know what I'd planned. All they knew was that they had 2 full weeks of my undivided attention, even if that meant the farthest we got from the condo on some days was the balcony.
At the end of the day, that's all that mattered.
Yes. And I can relate to having memories etched into my head by the way my parents tell stories. I'm not sure I'd remember them the same way if they hadn't told the stories, but they make good stories and I've told them to MY kids, thus making them part of a longer-running family memory. I have been thinking lately that I have more memories of cuddling with my dad and playing with my dad, but my mother was with me so much more, and I can't remember cuddling with her. At all. I know she did, but I can't remember it. So I'm trying to keep touching my eldest, and cuddling her, now that she's old enough to remember so much more. I won't tell my mom that I don't remember it, because I know she'd be sad about that. But it strikes me that she obviously stopped touching me when I no longer needed carrying, etc. And it's just now occurring to me, so I think it was around the age my daughter is now. She remembers a conversation seconds ago differently than I do because she remembers things in a way that might help her win an argument. And while that's annoying and an issue for me, it's not as important to me as wanting her to remember my touch as an adult. It's the things that happen every day that the kids will remember. I don't care if she remembers having days where no one plays with her - I sort of remember days like that and know that wasn't the norm. But to not be able to remember my mother cuddling me... that's weird, because I'm sure she did. So I will try to do that every day, even now that she's so independent. She only remembers nursing once now... and barely - mostly because I talk about it, like those memories that were etched into our minds, and I'm glad it is. She stopped nursing when she was 3. She doesn't need to ever stop snuggling with mom... well not for a long time anyway..