Monday
Apr182011
"Do you like you?"
Monday, April 18, 2011 
"Do you like me?" she asks, showing off her new dress and necklace and smiling at herself in the mirror.Of course I do. My answer to that question is always positive. You look lovely. That dress makes your eyes sparkle. You look like a flower. But also, I ask, "Do you like yourself?". Yes, she does.
I try to balance those conversations, of course, with unsolicited remarks and questions that refer to her interests, her talents, her thoughtfulness, her intelligence, her achievements. Not always outright praise, because I understand the downside to that, but thoughtful comments that emphasize her non-physical attributes.
"Do you like you?" she asks me, as I stand in front of the mirror adjusting my bathing suit before heading out to the beach with her. My inside voice notices the 20 pounds that have piled back on over the winter, the stretch marks that seem to have taken up permanent residency, the nose that is somewhat too big and awkward, and the grey peeking through at the roots. I know, as she gets older, our conversations about body image will become increasingly complex. But for now, my outside voice says, "Yes, I do" with a smile.
And she smiles back.
Image credit: Chrisi Nielsen on flickr
Reader Comments (21)
I wish this question wasn't so hard to answer honestly about my general self -_-
I love love love this, and how you handle these situations.
My boys ask if I like their funny boots made of pizza boxes, or the wings they just made to become butterflies, or a huge hat or crazy glasses. They don't care how they look. We let them dress themselves and it's mismatched socks, sometimes shirts too small or too big, rain coat when there is no rain, dragon toque when it's not that cold. We suggest sometimes, very rarely order a change, but usually we let them dress as they like. I guess it'll be sometime soon that they'll start worrying about their appearance, but for now they can dress up as their whims fancy.
I like your attention in trying to tune your child's awareness to other things besides her appearance. When she asks "Do you like me?" is she really asking if you like her dress or does she really mean "Do you like ME?"
Awesome. I have three girls and I want them to like themselves soooo much. They do still. Thank you for reminding me to like myself too....because they are watching. In general, I think I am pretty awesome! :)
I think of the conversations coming and I know I need to like myself more so that the answer I can give her is a resonding "yes".
My answer: Some days I am happier with myself than others, but I always like myself at the end.
I adore this. And though I adore many things about my mother and her parenting, I'm not sure I ever heard her say, or even saw reflected in her behavior, that she liked *her*.
As her daughter, I'm sure this infiltrated how much I liked *me*, and my body, and my talents, and my interests, for a very long time. Now I find myself begging her to like herself--even love herself--a bit more. Admittedly, for both of our sakes.
I hope upon hopes that my two sons look at me and think, "Yeah. Mom's alright with *her*."
Perfecting Parenthood:
In this instance, I think she is asking "Do you like how I look?". I worry about her equating looks with her self worth over time, which is why this will have to be an ongoing conversation.
My daughter almost always announces she's "cute" after she gets dressed in the morning. "Look how cute I am Daddy", and "Is mommy cute?", she'll ask me. So far we've just gone along with it but at sone point I think we may have to start explaining that she's cute no matter what clothing she wears!
I like that she feels secure and open enough even to ask the question.
Such an important question for all of us--at every age.
I think it's very natural at that age to ask things like do you like me, do you like Daddy, do you like (big sister), why do you love Daddy, do you love me, do you love grandma.... it's about figuring out where they fit in the world - in their world.
Now, my littles always erupt into giggles if I turn the question around on them: do you love YOU? They respond as if the answer is a given & they of course always say yes - as kids naturally love themselves.
If only we all could feel that definitive self-love. If only it could last forever for our children.
Oh, I'm not so good at this one and know that it's because I think too much of all the "looks" stuff and where I lack. Gotta get better at this one - I'm raising 4 daughters who need to learn that confidence and self-acceptance that only a self-loving Mommy can teach them. Thanks for the reminder - and such a sweet telling of it.
Fake it till you make it has more merit than we give it credit. Acting comfortable with my body in front of my son has actually helped it to come true in many ways. I've never been so comfortable with my body as I am now.
I love this Annie! You and your daughter are beautiful!
interesting that while you try to make your conversation with your daughter about more than looks, when she asks about you, all you think about are you looks. time to take your own advice? :)
I have tried dancing around the question of appearance with my daughter. But I think, sometimes, she needs to know that I like ALL of her, including her physical self. I tend to say, "I always think you're beautiful, because you're my child." It allows me to compliment her appearance, without making it conditional or otherwise subject to change.
I love this. I call my daughter beautiful like it was her name, but I know soon we will need to define what I mean - that it's not just about appearance.
Eloquently written.
These same things are on my mind. I want to nurture a healthy confidence in my girls. I want to show them what true beauty is all about...and it's not this skin we're in.
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