Sunday
Feb272011
Open Post
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Is Winter over yet? I'm ready for Spring and the warmth and inspiration that it brings. More than anything, I'm looking forward to having more time for my family, for my friends, and even for this blog. My work keeps me pretty "heads down" at this time of year, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is what keeps me going.
I have some great guest posters lined up for March to help keep great content flowing when I don't have as much time as usual to write. I know that you'll enjoy their stories and their ideas and I look forward to seeing the conversations that their posts will spark. I also hope to post from time to time (I could never disappear altogether no matter how busy I am), but may need more prodding on topics because I'm not doing as much reading right now (which is a big source of inspiration for me).
So let me turn this post over to you:
I look forward to your comments.
I have some great guest posters lined up for March to help keep great content flowing when I don't have as much time as usual to write. I know that you'll enjoy their stories and their ideas and I look forward to seeing the conversations that their posts will spark. I also hope to post from time to time (I could never disappear altogether no matter how busy I am), but may need more prodding on topics because I'm not doing as much reading right now (which is a big source of inspiration for me).
So let me turn this post over to you:
- What interesting parenting-related issues are you seeing discussed these days?
- What topics is no one talking about, but you wish they would?
- What parenting challenges are you dealing with that you wish you had answers for?
I look forward to your comments.
Reader Comments (39)
I have a daughter with what is probably a learning disability. I am from the U.S. Was a teacher for twenty years and though I could have probably navigated us through the dwindling Special Educ options down there - I am beginning to suspect that only those with behavioral related issues get any sort of assistance in the school system here in Alberta.
The PAT's are coming up and if not for my daughter's teacher's fear of them - I might not have been able to push them into testing her at all. I've pushed for the past four years and got her teachers to work one on one with her, but this year, her room is loaded with boys who are "challenging" and she's lost in the crowd.
Question then - what rights do the not severely learning disabled have in Canada?
She likely will qualify for a reader for part of the PAT's, but the teacher indicated that she might not get one b/c the funding for teacher's aides has been allocated to other kids. In the U.S., that's too bad so sad and schools have to suck it up and provide assistance but apparently not here?
I'm rambling. Sorry. Lure of the open thread. I'd appreciate any pointers or info.
I'm about to publish a post about parenting with a chronic illness. That's something that interests me - how people talk to their children about chronic illnesses, how they address things like frequent doctor's appointments, etc. I'd love to hear from people with older kids so I have some perspective on the way things change for these kids (like how they perceive the parent's illness and threat to the parent's life and the family structure, etc).
Is potty training/learning to simple? That is my major challenge right now!
Annie,
I'm a teacher in Ontario so I'm not 100% sure about Alberta but I'm going to make the assumption that the laws are similar. Here the school would be required to provide your daughter with and IEP, if her tests show a learning disability. The teacher would be responsible for adhering to it regardless of the number of teachers aides. However, the reality is that it is very difficult for a teacher in a room full of "challenging" students to do so and there really is not enough funding or human resources for special education. Last year I had a class of 17 with 11 IEPs. I had two educational assistants in the room but I also had one student with cerebral palsy who was also deaf and another student with severe behavioral problems. I did my best but I never felt like I was able to meet the needs of all the students. It was very disheartening. The administration will just say "differentiated instruction". I say bull shit, give the kids what they need.
There's my rant and 2cents, sorry it wasn't more positive. Maybe someone from Alberta will chime in.
I am always looking for good discussions of step-parenting/step-child issues, as it is a part of my reality on a daily basis.
I hear you about wanting winter to be over!!
I would love to hear your thoughts on the Planned Parenthood funding issues that are going on in the US right now -- & more on womans reproductive health issues & why they seem to be such a taboo and/or difficult topic. There is a new pending bill from Georgia regarding miscarriages, abortions and "prenatal murder".
{& if you need any more guest posters let me know =) & i hope your March is better then February - i too am LONGING for the spring!}
I don't know if I'm allowed to share links to other blogs here, but Offbeat Mama talks about it occasionally, and recently had a lovely post from a stepmother: http://offbeatmama.com/2011/02/step-parenting-challenges
(And I'm really sorry if that's not okay; delete me if necessary. ^^;)
I'd love to see someone (especially as thoughtful and precise as you) discuss the marginalization of parents that don't fit into the expected media mold of early 30's career-minded financially solvent homeowners.
Maybe it's just my frustration because I am none of those things (well, coasting slowly towards solvency), but it seems like when parenting is being discussed (and sold) there's an entire bracket of families that are totally ignored.
Something thats on my mind, though may be nothing you have experience with, but I thought I'd put it out there, is parenting and polyamory. I'd love to hear experiences and thoughts on people raising babies and children outside the tradition of monogamy, and the challenges (and rewards!) involved.
I'm always working on work-home balance and love reading about how other working mothers handle this.
I would also appreciate thoughts & application of bringing attachment parenting into the childhood years.
Personally, I'm always interested in reading about being a good parent after an abuse riddled childhood. It seems to me that most moms with a past like mine either repeat the horrors they endured themsleves, or go to the complete other end of the parenting spectrum.
Also, you hardly ever see people writing about the other end of a foster care experience. Most people writing are foster or adoptive parents. Having lived through my boys being in fc for a year and regaining custody of them, I often feel like families like mine who have successfully gone through the system are not talking about our experiences and thus perpetuating certain myths about birth families. (or whatever you'd call us. :) )
And like many others, I'm so very ready for spring as well.
I'm curious why there seems to be a rash of child-abusers, many of whom prefer to duct tape their children. I know the mainstream media picks a topic and runs with it for a while, but it always shocks me to see these stories. Some of the recent ones have been of parents who think it's funny. I'd love to see your thoughts on the issue of parents abusing their children and thinking it's funny enough to send as a picture on twitter or a facebook post. Are parents that callous or am I overly sensitive to children as young as one having duct tape over their mouths.
I'm always seeking ideas on how to be a strong, attached parent while at the same time have a deep and loving connection with my husband. Right now, every conversation we have surrounds the kids and our house... I'm afraid of what will happen ~10-12 years from now when the kids are all teenagers and leaving for college. I don't understand how to sustain a deeply connected marriage while at the same time while at the same time, a deeply attached parent. (not the mention, both of us working fulltime, too)
Two thing we're dealing with right now that I'm not sure how to handle 1) The baby girl throws a tantrum any time you tell her no or take something away from her and 2) She hits - we're not sure how it started, but she hits the puppy, she hits, bites and pinches me, and she hit a little boy at daycare and made him cry.
I don't want her to be the bully, but I don't know the best way to stop her behaviour and explain that it's not okay.
Weaning a toddler!! I have four children. 2, 4, 6, & 8. I nursed the other three until they were between 15-18 months and never had to wean them per say. They all were ready to be done nursing and it was a non-issue. I have all the books and have done google searches, etc but I find it challenging since I only have one girlfriend who also nursed her child for longer than is the norm in America. Galen Amadeus will be 3 in June. The last month or so I have moved him from nursing to "only holding" as not to completely detach him for fear that he will feel rejected. I could go on and on--I could have never in my wildest dreams thought I would nurse a child for so long (never wanted them to remember nursing!) but he is just not wanting to give it up (now the "only holding" up). I am taking baby steps on this one--"only holding" at nap time and bed time...and now "only holding" at bed-time. My other thought was discussions on how our society does not seem to recognize the importance of parental attachment--insanely short maternity/paternity leave from work--unbending professional careers for those who wish to have more than one or two etc. Thanks!
@Hillary, I was a very extended BFer myself. Daughter was four and a half when we decided she was "too old". At about 3 though, I began limiting her. Morning, bedtime and when she wasn't feeling well or had a big "owie". Once you can have discussions with them, it's perfectly okay - imo - to begin to put limits on nursing and this will make it easier to wean completely at some point. You are the parent though and it's your ultimate call. My daughter remembers nursing fondly though and I don't think it's a bad thing that she can remember it.
@Erin, thanks for the insight. it's pretty much what I suspected.
I always like to see information about Breastfeeding issues. I'm currently dealing with overproduction and forceful letdown after ruling out food sensitivities trying to figure out why baby is so gassy, fussy, etc. I'm also learning how to dress for easier nursing in public. Oh an speaking of clothing, there's also the laundry caused by baby's massive amounts of spit up that get all over himself (soaking himself at night) and myself (making me smell like sour milk!). We've devised a layering system for nighttime so we can change the top layer and he usually stays dry underneath, so that's a start.
That's a very rambly post to say that I will read any tips about breastfeeding with much interest.
Sleep sleep sleep sleep! My current obsession as momma to a five month old is sleep. Mainly how do attachment parenting sort-of-wannabes like me find balance between crying (with support and a parent present) and attachment? What are specific steps that have worked for other parents, say, when it's 2am, the house isn't at its warmest, and you're exhausted and just really sick of co-sleeping because of all the thrashing and kicking, and the baby will only sleep latched on? Argh! Help!
Also - balance between kids/exercise/husband/pet .... discuss.
It can be simple - or it can be challenging. It mostly depends on your child. With my first two it was fairly simple, with my third (my strong willed child) it is difficult. The best advice I have is to be consistent. Don't flip flop between diapers and underwear and what you expect of him/her. If they know what is expected of them they will catch on quicker.
Thought of this today-I would like to see more on deployments and very young children. So much of what is out there and offered applies to older kids, like school age. How do you explain to a 21 month old what her daddy is doing in terms she understands?
Hi there eva - I am doing a blog series on infant sleep & sleep options out there..please chime in, I just began! sleep is important as I counsel women with PPD and sleep is a huge issue..balancing your childrens needs and your own needs...
Also, if you are in need of guest bloggers, please feel free to contact me!
Amy B:
I've read some great articles on this and I'll try to dig them up when I have some time. My quick answer would be that it is completely normal for her to be frustrated. The challenge that you have now is to help her find appropriate outlets for expressing her anger. Helping her to put her frustrations into words can help (even if she cannot speak yet, if you help her express them, that will help her feel she is being listened to and also help her language development). Suggesting something she can do instead of screaming or hitting (e.g. stomp her feet or whatever you think would be okay). We generally allowed tantrums and validated their feelings, but did not allow hitting and suggested alternative ways to express anger.
I'm interested in pretty much anything you write concerning feminism and parenting. And I probably would enjoy your branching out into broader feminist issues like reproductive rights. I also would love to read thoughtful stuff on handling sibling issues. Also my personal experience of raising a child in two countries - neither of which is the one I grew up in -has made me very interested in anything you've written and will write on parenting in different cultures / dealing with different cultural norms.
We've been dealing with #2. About five or six months ago, our son (now 2.5 yo) was hitting children at school. It happened just as he got comfortable with his new school — as though he were testing boundaries. But the hitting at school stopped a long time ago — and he's taken it home, mostly hitting (and kicking and so on) me and his doll.
The doll-hitting disturbs me, though it's clear that he's working something out through it — about power, about hurting others, about getting hurt. I just wish I knew how to work with him on it. Should I ignore it? Should I talk to him about it? Should I play with him about it, and, if so, how?
The me-hitting is actually somewhat easier to deal with, because it's perfectly clear that hitting me is not OK! But how do we effectively teach this idea? I don't really know, and it's so hard. (And, actually, I think he understands the idea — but like any toddler, he has poor (no?) impulse control.) I'm working on just keeping connected, keeping connected, keeping connected — playing with my son, looking him in the eyes when I talk to him, and so on. I give him alternatives, like playing "high five" or throwing a soft indoor-appropriate ball. I tell him when roughhousing is not appropriate, and I try to include some giggling-led roughhousing in our daily play (a la Dr. Cohen of Playful Parenting). When my son gets a bit wild and I'm not able to connect with him, I sort of get out of his way (while maintaining my presence) until I'm able to connect with him again.
Everyone tells me that, like everything else, this phase will pass. In the meantime, it can be pretty awful. I don't always handle it so well, but I'm experimenting to find what works. Great articles would be appreciated!
Thanks Annie! I hope things get resolved (or progress made) regarding your daughter. I have the exact opposite issue with my 8-year old. He scored the end of 4th grade for reading & math and the gifted and talented programming (if he "passes" the gt tests-also tough since he displays the personality traits of a gf kid) isn't until 5th grade. The teachers have little time to attend to his needs. I recognize the mother is the most important teacher and have always been focused on this yet I'm still frustrated at this. I create stuff for us to do at home but I also have 3 younger kids that require my attention. I work with kids who have learning disorders or deaf and hard of hearing and also know how time frustrating that can be too when I notice they are not getting their needs met.
Katy:
I wouldn't say that it is easy, but I do think that starting the preparation for it very early can help. I wrote my thoughts about it here:
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/11/20/potty-learning-the-road-to-success/
Devan:
Do you follow @robinmarty on twitter? She is one of the writers at Care2 Causes (where I also write) and she often writes about those issues. You can read her most recent post here (and subscribe to her feed): http://www.care2.com/causes/womens-rights/blog/fetus-to-testify-in-ohio-abortion-bill-hearing/
With regards to my thoughts -- I believe strongly in choice and I do think that government funding should go to organizations that recognize and protect the woman's right to choose.
Kelly:
I have a few older posts on those issues that you may have read, but may not have:
1) A working mom seeks balance http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/10/05/a-working-mom-seeks-balance/
2) Beyond the Baby B’s: Attachment Through Play http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/04/02/beyond-the-baby-bs-attachment-through-play/
Hillary:
I wrote a post one year ago about the transition from nursing to sleep to cuddling to sleep with my daughter http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/03/01/a-different-kind-of-baby-led-weaning/. Until a few days ago, I always lay with her while she went to sleep. I waited until she was ready and said I didn't need to stay.
With my son, we slowly moved away. We used to lie with him until he fell asleep. When he was five, we got him bunk beds and he wanted to sleep on top. So my husband started by staying on the bottom bunk while he fell asleep up top. Then he moved to sitting on the chair in the living room outside the bedroom. Then eventually moved to being able to say goodnight and walk out and do other things around the house. It was more gradual with him.
With regards to maternity/paternity leave, I am in Canada, so we do have the option to take one year. However, even that system could be improved and needs more flexibility. I wrote about that in these posts:
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/10/09/sah-or-woh-how-can-we-stop-restricting-mothers-choices/
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/08/flexible-maternity-leave-parental-leave/
eva:
I posted my gentle sleep tips here: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/02/28/gentle-baby-and-toddler-sleep-tips/
Thanks. Our kids start out in their own beds, my 2 & 6 year old end up coming in our beds while the 4 & 8 year old (the 4 year old has a top bunk) sleep all night. I'm ok with that so far. I never cribbed by babies until they were 1 or older. I'm in the states, maternity leave is 12 weeks (if you've worked at a company so many days) but I know many women who go back after 6 weeks because they cannot afford staying home. I think with all the governments efforts to support "family values" & education they'd realize how not supporting parental attachment could effect society negatively (and child attachment of course). I think the way society separates women and children specifically is disgusting. - misleading information about formula (attachment), maternity leave (attachment), negative views of the "stay-at-home mother/father" (attachment), hurried lifestyle - less time for family meals and prep (attachment). Dependency on schools & playgroups for education & meeting emotional needs (attachment) ETC, ETC. Very SAD.
@Hillary There's a great book about weaning by the La Leche League. It's called How Weaning Happens and it covers lots and lots of different weaning situations. I highly recommend it.
Thanks! Right now she had a major step backward in terms of being aware. My (at the time) 7 week old got very sick and she got passed around (husband deployed) b/c I had to stay in the hospital with her. Before, she would go on the potty, but only in her diaper, and tell me she wanted a new diaper & go over to where we changed diapers and lay down for a clean one. She spent the whole time in disposables when she was being cared for by other people and doesn't do any of that any more. We are going to my parents in a few weeks for the long term, so I am going to start more intensive work there when I have more support, and just let her lead me on how far she wants to go the remainder of our time here.
We have been co-sleeping with our 9 month old daughter since birth and it's great. I love it. But as she goes to bed when we do my husband and I have no time alone together. He in particular is struggling with this switch from the intimacy of coupledom - not just physical but emotional - to a full on family situation. Any tips for ways to have some together time? Or other help would be appreciated.
Hi! Echoing Channa, anything on feminism and parenting. I also get realy wound up about how the notion of choice is used to individualise and make mother's responsible and thus guilty. I think this also relates on the parenting tribes discourse. Breastfeeding toddlers and breastfeeding in public are also close to heart and I love to see these issues discussed.
Love your blog in any case!
Lucila
@Melanie S,
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/fast-letdown.html
has some great tips on oversupply (if you haven't already seen them), what helped me was using reclining cradle hold and side lying nursing positions, and burp LOTS, it helped with the spitting up. I also only ever nursed on one side at a time. (as my Mom put it, I had enough milk for every kid in the neighbourhood.)
I always find your posts on multilingualism inspiring as we go along our own bilingual journey. As the mother of an (almost) 10 year old girl, I would also love to hear thoughts on raising a girl with a healthy sense of self in a culture that promotes early sexuality.
Thank you so much for recommending this link - I finally got around to reading it, and I love it. :)