Saturday
Dec172011
Toddler Survival 101
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Time for another great Carnival of Toddlers guest post. I've always enjoyed the intelligent perspective that Natasha, Natural Urban Mama, brings to the attachment parenting world on her blog and in her tweets. I finally got to meet her at a conference in Toronto in October and now I'm pleased to welcome her to my blog to talk about toddler survival.
'tis the season folks. For merry-making, holiday decorating, gift shopping, cookie baking, party going and...
...nap-missing, sugary-treat indulging, schedule rearranging and toddler meltdown-ing. It is tough enough to get everything done and can be even more challenging when you have a toddler in tow!
Now, let's be honest, the above things don't just happen at this time of year. It is more like an all day every day challenge with toddlers, and they really are a finicky little bunch. Toddlers are in that special place where they want to explore and DO everything. Even if they may not be physically or mentally ready to do all these things. And as parents of toddlers, we are in that special place of wondering how our super cute, oh-so wonderful little baby was replaced by this screaming-in-the-middle-of-the-aisle-at-the-grocery-store, insists-on-putting-on-rubber-boots-every-day, not-sleeping, not-eating, oh-dear-god-please-help-me, child.
Fear not fellow parents, the toddler stage can be a scary place, but with a little bit of perseverance, a slightly better understanding of these little people and ourselves, we can all survive this stage together no matter what time of year it is.
Toddlers are simple folk. They are driven by their five senses. It is all about what they can touch, taste, see, hear and smell. This is how they are learning about their world. And in the midst of all this tactile learning, they are feeling a lot of strong feelings too and have NO clue what to do with them.
They waffle between being super clingy and very independent. They absolutely love the word 'NO' and will like to express any negative feelings they may have with hitting, biting or pushing and inevitably will do so to the kid of that mom who already thinks you are a bit off your parenting rocker! They want to do everything themselves and whatever it is they insist on doing often takes a very long time because they are easily distracted by shiny objects or... any kind of object really.
Developmentally, toddlers bodies and their new found physical abilities are allowing them more freedom of movement and exploration, but their brains are a little slower on the uptake and they lack the self-control and logical reasoning to always keep them safe.
This is where we come in.
Surviving the toddler years is kind of NOT about your kid. It is all about YOU.
And your job is Damage Control!!
And when I say damage control, I am talking more about the proactive kind, rather than the reactive kind. Another of my favourite motto's for this stage, if I can borrow from the Boy Scouts, is 'Be Prepared'!
One of the best parenting books that I have read is Judy Arnall's 'Discipline without Distress'. It was at a talk that Judy gave this past summer that I was introduced to this concept of damage control and that my attitude towards discipline and toddlerhood shifted.
As Judy says, “As parents of toddlers, it is our job to control the situation, control the environment, but never to control the toddler.” Acceptance is a powerful tool in your parenting arsenal and I highly recommend that you learn to use it more. Just like the Serenity Prayer says:
You may want to keep this in mind when dealing with toddlers.
There are plenty of things that we can change in our lives with these little people to make it easier for everyone involved. We can child-proof unsafe areas of the house, we can remove objects of temptation from within their reach, we can eliminate the 'sharing' issues by putting away unshare-able toys when friends come over for play-dates. You can pick up and physically remove your child from a situation that is escalating and you can redirect them away from things or situations that you want to avoid (remember, they are easily distracted).
There are of course certain physical needs that can not be changed, these are the things you need to accept and be prepared for. Eating, drinking, sleeping, being stimulated and getting (positive) attention are some of these. For example: a toddler's stomach is the size of a ping-pong ball, that means that they need to eat something every 2 hours! If you are planning a big day of shopping or errand running, pack some nutritious snacks in your bag for the day and make sure your toddler is eating something to avoid those big dips in blood sugar and the accompanying mood swings.
Keep some special toys on hand as well for outings. I have a HUGE purse. In it are really only four things that are mine, my wallet, my keys, my phone and my lip gloss. Everything else is for the kids. Snacks, toys, small books, crayons and a notepad, a change of clothes in case of an accident, a small first aid kit and wipes, always wipes!! On any given day I may use all of those things, or none of them. Whatever the case may be, I never leave the house without them. To borrow from the Boy Scouts, I like to always 'Be prepared'! And you also never know if another parent you are hanging out with may need something in your 'survival kit'!
Sleep is another big trigger for a lot of children. And the toddler years are big sleep transition ones too. Some kids are losing their morning naps and moving from two naps to one, and some are losing naps altogether (I am so sorry). Scheduling your life around your toddler’s ever changing naps can be a bit of a mess. But it may be a much easier-to-handle mess, than the toddler that has completely missed his or her nap and is throwing the mother-of-all-tantrums while you wait in line with a full cart of groceries at Safeway (True story, BTW)! If you can plan your day around naps then please do this. If not, than I can not emphasize enough how much you need a good sturdy baby carrier so that a tired and cranky toddler can get a quick 'uppy' on mama or daddy and hopefully fall asleep and have his or her nap 'on the go'!
Babywearing is NOT just for babies. Along with my huge survival kit of a purse, it is my top pick for surviving the toddler years. A good ring sling or soft structured carrier can be a huge help with your little person who is likely spending a lot of time going back and forth with his clinginess and his independence. A baby carrier is also a great tool for keeping your little explorer safe in situations where he could get into some trouble or where you need some control over his or her movement. There are many great options in the babywearing world that can accommodate a toddler up to 35-45 pounds, and your kids will love getting a piggy back on mommy or daddy and seeing the world from that safe and secure spot on your back!
Toddler Survival also means introducing the concept of discipline into your child-parent relationship. And in my opinion the discipline side of ‘Toddler Damage Control’ involves a lot of outside the box thinking.
I personally think that one of the biggest discipline mistakes that I have made (and I think that a lot of parents make as well) is that my expectations of my kids, at any stage, are way too high. We mistakenly think that if a child says 'NO' all the time, then they must surely understand what 'NO' means. Uhm, WRONG!!
My son demonstrated this very well for me this past summer. Now granted, he was 4 and a half at the time, but it really brought home the point. I like to use words like 'inappropriate' and 'unacceptable' for behaviours that are, well, inappropriate and unacceptable. I was in the middle of a rant to the kids about them doing something that I did not approve of and my son piped up and said,
"Mommy, what does ‘inappropriate’ mean?"
Imagine my surprise and then the lightbulb that went off in my head as I figured out that after over 3 years of telling him that certain actions or words or behaviors are inappropriate, HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!
This was a huge revelation to me. And it made me readjust my expectations and also my language when talking to my kids!
And the volume level of my language as well. You see, I am a yeller. I was raised in a house of yellers and so this is what I knew growing up. If you wanted something done, you used your BIG SCARY voice to get that point across. What I have learned during the past 5 years as a parent, is that yelling really does nothing more than, A) give you a really sore throat and a headache and B) make your kids fear you and C) raise a further generation of yellers. None of which is conducive to a healthy parent-child relationship and rarely does it accomplish anything from a discipline perspective either.
If we think of discipline as more of self-control, rather than punishment, then our outlook towards it changes quite a bit. I am a HUGE fan of a technique that Judy calls the 'Time-In'. This essentially means, doing the exact opposite of what you really want to do when your kid is misbehaving or having an emotional melt-down. For us this usually means we go and sit on the couch and use our calm-down tools. These include hugs, taking some deep breaths and often, more hugs. Once everyone is calm, THEN we discuss what happened and how we can do things differently next time. This technique works well for us and you would be amazed at the defusing power that a simple hug has on a child.
Another discipline tool that I try to use is NOT to say the word NO (that often). I challenge you to count how many times you say 'No' to your children throughout the day. This constant nay-saying can be exhausting for both parties. I have started to use another tool I learned from Judy and I try to say 'NO' in a different way. Using positive language with qualifiers can often get the same point across with a lot less resistance. Instead of "NO, you can't have candy right now", it turns into "Yes, you can have one candy after you finish your lunch." We need to give our kids a bit more credit and respect their needs and desires, but also teach them self-control and model the kind of language and behaviours we want to see in them.
Supervision is another major part of ‘Toddler Damage Control’. This seems like a no brainer, but it really is that important that it deserves a mention. Think about it like this. I have a dog. She is driven by her nose and her stomach in all things. If I leave the garbage bag out on the porch instead of taking it out to the bin and she gets into it, who am I supposed to get mad at for the huge mess that she will inevitably make? I am not saying that toddlers are like my dog, but they are driven by their senses and their sense of curiosity. If you leave them unsupervised and then come back and find them doing something that they really shouldn't be doing, think before you start yelling or punishing. Who are you really mad at?
This is a good time for my last Toddler Survival tactic. The 'Mommy (or Daddy) Time Out'. In sports, a ‘time out’ is a break in play so that everyone can regroup, catch their breath, go over a new play or strategy and then get back to the game. And sometimes in parenting, you just need to call a time-out, make sure the craze-inducing toddler is safe and occupied and remove yourself from the situation. To regroup, catch your breath, think of a new strategy and then get back to your kid(s). I like to also use my words when this happens and let my kids know that I am upset or getting upset and need to go and calm down. Modeling this kind of use of the 'time-out' is another great way to show your kids self-discipline and talking to them about your feelings also lets them know that they can talk to you about theirs.
Every stage of your child's life will have its challenges. Toddlerhood may seem like a major transition for everyone involved because it really is! Your child is learning SO much during this time and is watching you and looking to you to guide him or her through this first stage of their "growing up".
All I can say, is this. Keep my simple mottos in mind. ‘Be Prepared’ and ‘Practice Damage Control’. Recite the Serenity prayer daily if needed and know what you can change, what you can not and what you just have to accept. And know that this too shall pass...
...only to be replaced by the trails and tribulations of the Preschooler Years!!
Just stay calm and carry on!!
Natasha~
Natasha Chiam is a self-described ‘Lipstick Crunchy’ mama. She loves the earth, is a total hippy at heart, and loves a great pair of leather boots and a big Coach purse too! She is happily married to the man of her dreams (seriously, she had a dream about him before they met) and mama to a 5 year old boy who keeps her on her toes and a 3 year old girl who is a dark-eyed mini version of her mother. She is the Chief Executive Mama at Natural Urban Mamas, a natural parenting website and she is also a professional babywearing consultant.
You can find her rambling on quite openly and honestly about her life and passions on her blog, Natural Urban Mama, and you can follow her on her Facebook page and on Twitter at @naturalurbanmom.
Toddler Carnival Sponsor
'tis the season folks. For merry-making, holiday decorating, gift shopping, cookie baking, party going and...
...nap-missing, sugary-treat indulging, schedule rearranging and toddler meltdown-ing. It is tough enough to get everything done and can be even more challenging when you have a toddler in tow!
Now, let's be honest, the above things don't just happen at this time of year. It is more like an all day every day challenge with toddlers, and they really are a finicky little bunch. Toddlers are in that special place where they want to explore and DO everything. Even if they may not be physically or mentally ready to do all these things. And as parents of toddlers, we are in that special place of wondering how our super cute, oh-so wonderful little baby was replaced by this screaming-in-the-middle-of-the-aisle-at-the-grocery-store, insists-on-putting-on-rubber-boots-every-day, not-sleeping, not-eating, oh-dear-god-please-help-me, child.
Fear not fellow parents, the toddler stage can be a scary place, but with a little bit of perseverance, a slightly better understanding of these little people and ourselves, we can all survive this stage together no matter what time of year it is.
Toddlers are simple folk. They are driven by their five senses. It is all about what they can touch, taste, see, hear and smell. This is how they are learning about their world. And in the midst of all this tactile learning, they are feeling a lot of strong feelings too and have NO clue what to do with them.
They waffle between being super clingy and very independent. They absolutely love the word 'NO' and will like to express any negative feelings they may have with hitting, biting or pushing and inevitably will do so to the kid of that mom who already thinks you are a bit off your parenting rocker! They want to do everything themselves and whatever it is they insist on doing often takes a very long time because they are easily distracted by shiny objects or... any kind of object really.
Developmentally, toddlers bodies and their new found physical abilities are allowing them more freedom of movement and exploration, but their brains are a little slower on the uptake and they lack the self-control and logical reasoning to always keep them safe.
This is where we come in.
Surviving the toddler years is kind of NOT about your kid. It is all about YOU.
And your job is Damage Control!!
And when I say damage control, I am talking more about the proactive kind, rather than the reactive kind. Another of my favourite motto's for this stage, if I can borrow from the Boy Scouts, is 'Be Prepared'!
One of the best parenting books that I have read is Judy Arnall's 'Discipline without Distress'. It was at a talk that Judy gave this past summer that I was introduced to this concept of damage control and that my attitude towards discipline and toddlerhood shifted.
As Judy says, “As parents of toddlers, it is our job to control the situation, control the environment, but never to control the toddler.” Acceptance is a powerful tool in your parenting arsenal and I highly recommend that you learn to use it more. Just like the Serenity Prayer says:
God grant me the serenity to
accept the things that I can not change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
You may want to keep this in mind when dealing with toddlers.
There are plenty of things that we can change in our lives with these little people to make it easier for everyone involved. We can child-proof unsafe areas of the house, we can remove objects of temptation from within their reach, we can eliminate the 'sharing' issues by putting away unshare-able toys when friends come over for play-dates. You can pick up and physically remove your child from a situation that is escalating and you can redirect them away from things or situations that you want to avoid (remember, they are easily distracted).
There are of course certain physical needs that can not be changed, these are the things you need to accept and be prepared for. Eating, drinking, sleeping, being stimulated and getting (positive) attention are some of these. For example: a toddler's stomach is the size of a ping-pong ball, that means that they need to eat something every 2 hours! If you are planning a big day of shopping or errand running, pack some nutritious snacks in your bag for the day and make sure your toddler is eating something to avoid those big dips in blood sugar and the accompanying mood swings.
Keep some special toys on hand as well for outings. I have a HUGE purse. In it are really only four things that are mine, my wallet, my keys, my phone and my lip gloss. Everything else is for the kids. Snacks, toys, small books, crayons and a notepad, a change of clothes in case of an accident, a small first aid kit and wipes, always wipes!! On any given day I may use all of those things, or none of them. Whatever the case may be, I never leave the house without them. To borrow from the Boy Scouts, I like to always 'Be prepared'! And you also never know if another parent you are hanging out with may need something in your 'survival kit'!
Sleep is another big trigger for a lot of children. And the toddler years are big sleep transition ones too. Some kids are losing their morning naps and moving from two naps to one, and some are losing naps altogether (I am so sorry). Scheduling your life around your toddler’s ever changing naps can be a bit of a mess. But it may be a much easier-to-handle mess, than the toddler that has completely missed his or her nap and is throwing the mother-of-all-tantrums while you wait in line with a full cart of groceries at Safeway (True story, BTW)! If you can plan your day around naps then please do this. If not, than I can not emphasize enough how much you need a good sturdy baby carrier so that a tired and cranky toddler can get a quick 'uppy' on mama or daddy and hopefully fall asleep and have his or her nap 'on the go'!Babywearing is NOT just for babies. Along with my huge survival kit of a purse, it is my top pick for surviving the toddler years. A good ring sling or soft structured carrier can be a huge help with your little person who is likely spending a lot of time going back and forth with his clinginess and his independence. A baby carrier is also a great tool for keeping your little explorer safe in situations where he could get into some trouble or where you need some control over his or her movement. There are many great options in the babywearing world that can accommodate a toddler up to 35-45 pounds, and your kids will love getting a piggy back on mommy or daddy and seeing the world from that safe and secure spot on your back!
...
Toddler Survival also means introducing the concept of discipline into your child-parent relationship. And in my opinion the discipline side of ‘Toddler Damage Control’ involves a lot of outside the box thinking.
I personally think that one of the biggest discipline mistakes that I have made (and I think that a lot of parents make as well) is that my expectations of my kids, at any stage, are way too high. We mistakenly think that if a child says 'NO' all the time, then they must surely understand what 'NO' means. Uhm, WRONG!!
My son demonstrated this very well for me this past summer. Now granted, he was 4 and a half at the time, but it really brought home the point. I like to use words like 'inappropriate' and 'unacceptable' for behaviours that are, well, inappropriate and unacceptable. I was in the middle of a rant to the kids about them doing something that I did not approve of and my son piped up and said,
"Mommy, what does ‘inappropriate’ mean?"
Imagine my surprise and then the lightbulb that went off in my head as I figured out that after over 3 years of telling him that certain actions or words or behaviors are inappropriate, HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!
This was a huge revelation to me. And it made me readjust my expectations and also my language when talking to my kids!
And the volume level of my language as well. You see, I am a yeller. I was raised in a house of yellers and so this is what I knew growing up. If you wanted something done, you used your BIG SCARY voice to get that point across. What I have learned during the past 5 years as a parent, is that yelling really does nothing more than, A) give you a really sore throat and a headache and B) make your kids fear you and C) raise a further generation of yellers. None of which is conducive to a healthy parent-child relationship and rarely does it accomplish anything from a discipline perspective either.
If we think of discipline as more of self-control, rather than punishment, then our outlook towards it changes quite a bit. I am a HUGE fan of a technique that Judy calls the 'Time-In'. This essentially means, doing the exact opposite of what you really want to do when your kid is misbehaving or having an emotional melt-down. For us this usually means we go and sit on the couch and use our calm-down tools. These include hugs, taking some deep breaths and often, more hugs. Once everyone is calm, THEN we discuss what happened and how we can do things differently next time. This technique works well for us and you would be amazed at the defusing power that a simple hug has on a child.
Another discipline tool that I try to use is NOT to say the word NO (that often). I challenge you to count how many times you say 'No' to your children throughout the day. This constant nay-saying can be exhausting for both parties. I have started to use another tool I learned from Judy and I try to say 'NO' in a different way. Using positive language with qualifiers can often get the same point across with a lot less resistance. Instead of "NO, you can't have candy right now", it turns into "Yes, you can have one candy after you finish your lunch." We need to give our kids a bit more credit and respect their needs and desires, but also teach them self-control and model the kind of language and behaviours we want to see in them.
Supervision is another major part of ‘Toddler Damage Control’. This seems like a no brainer, but it really is that important that it deserves a mention. Think about it like this. I have a dog. She is driven by her nose and her stomach in all things. If I leave the garbage bag out on the porch instead of taking it out to the bin and she gets into it, who am I supposed to get mad at for the huge mess that she will inevitably make? I am not saying that toddlers are like my dog, but they are driven by their senses and their sense of curiosity. If you leave them unsupervised and then come back and find them doing something that they really shouldn't be doing, think before you start yelling or punishing. Who are you really mad at?
This is a good time for my last Toddler Survival tactic. The 'Mommy (or Daddy) Time Out'. In sports, a ‘time out’ is a break in play so that everyone can regroup, catch their breath, go over a new play or strategy and then get back to the game. And sometimes in parenting, you just need to call a time-out, make sure the craze-inducing toddler is safe and occupied and remove yourself from the situation. To regroup, catch your breath, think of a new strategy and then get back to your kid(s). I like to also use my words when this happens and let my kids know that I am upset or getting upset and need to go and calm down. Modeling this kind of use of the 'time-out' is another great way to show your kids self-discipline and talking to them about your feelings also lets them know that they can talk to you about theirs.
Every stage of your child's life will have its challenges. Toddlerhood may seem like a major transition for everyone involved because it really is! Your child is learning SO much during this time and is watching you and looking to you to guide him or her through this first stage of their "growing up".
All I can say, is this. Keep my simple mottos in mind. ‘Be Prepared’ and ‘Practice Damage Control’. Recite the Serenity prayer daily if needed and know what you can change, what you can not and what you just have to accept. And know that this too shall pass...
...only to be replaced by the trails and tribulations of the Preschooler Years!!
Just stay calm and carry on!!
Natasha~
Natasha Chiam is a self-described ‘Lipstick Crunchy’ mama. She loves the earth, is a total hippy at heart, and loves a great pair of leather boots and a big Coach purse too! She is happily married to the man of her dreams (seriously, she had a dream about him before they met) and mama to a 5 year old boy who keeps her on her toes and a 3 year old girl who is a dark-eyed mini version of her mother. She is the Chief Executive Mama at Natural Urban Mamas, a natural parenting website and she is also a professional babywearing consultant.You can find her rambling on quite openly and honestly about her life and passions on her blog, Natural Urban Mama, and you can follow her on her Facebook page and on Twitter at @naturalurbanmom.
Toddler Carnival Sponsor
Reader Comments (16)
This is such a great positive post, which some very practical tips. I hadn't thought about using a carrier with my 2 year old, but I can see how helpful that would be.
Everyone else's kids are napping twice a day?! Happy to see comments on structuring your day around naptime. I always did/still do and people think I'm anal/controlling whathaveyou. Hell hath no fury like a toddler who missed his nap. I'm forwarding this to DH.
[...] without further ado, here is the link to my guest post all about ‘Toddler Survival [...]
Hi Alison, YES!! Toddler wearing has saved by butt (and my sanity) many a time!
And I say to those people, then YOU can look after the sleep-deprived child! When my second was a baby, I was a bit more flexible and she slept in a carrier and on the go a lot more, but now, she NEEDS her afternoon nap and we work our schedule around that! About certain things I am way more free-range, but napping is not one of them!
Heh, cute. With a 14-month-old son, I've just barreled into the toddler phase, and it is every bit as absurd in an everyday way as is possible.
One thing occurred to me while reading this though...
>>>
Imagine my surprise and then the lightbulb that went off in my head as I figured out that after over 3 years of telling him that certain actions or words or behaviors are inappropriate, HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!
<<<
Well, don't forget that when kids ask questions, they don't necessarily know why they're asking them. I don't think he had "no idea" what you meant when you said "inappropriate", but it probably only just occurred to him that he didn't hear that word in enough other contexts to get a full and satisfying representation in his lexicon.
(I'm a recovering Linguistics major who thinks about 1st language acquisition a LOT!)
"people think I’m anal/controlling whathaveyou. "
That's a misconception I was responsible for owning at one time as well. Having my own little monkey to deal with sure cleared that one up quick!
Thanks Naomi. I think in the grand scheme of how I talk to my kids, that one moment clarified a lot for me. I still use these words and I do believe my son understands them a bit more now. My 3 year old girl....well, that is another story! And I am thinking from my limited experience, girls just 'listen' and 'hear' things differently than boys. What is your take on that? Could be an interesting study.
[...] thought-provoking post about babies and over-stimulation, from Conscious Baby Blog, and a toddler survival guide from PhD in [...]
Naps were pretty essential with my kids (until they gave them up, WAY too early). The good thing, however, is that they would nap in the car or in a sling. So that gave us quite a bit of flexibility and meant that we didn't always have to be at home for nap time.
I think you're right about the girls vs boys language pragmatics differences, however I haven't read up on any gendered 1L acquisition studies (just wasn't my thing) to know for sure.
My observations are that boys are more willing to ask when they don't know things and more willing to take risks with their knowledge... seemingly the reasons why boys end up getting more attention from teachers in school, and *appear* to be more interested in science than girls.
agreed.. sometimes they truly just relax and snuggle...and you can still finish shopping or cooking!
My almost 3 year old is so happy when she gets worn! It has been so helpful in letting her reconnect when she needs some mama time. She has a 6 month old brother and so I can't do it as much as I wish I could, but definitely feel like she's way happier on the days I put her on my back for a little while.
Thanks so much for the toddler carnival -- I am LOVING it! (we have a 5 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old).
[...] With that many kids around there are bound to be some tussles, there will be hitting and/or pushing, play car crashes will occur and someone will fight over a toy. Really, it is all to be expected if you ask me (if you need some insight into toddler behaviour, check out my guest post over at PhD in Parenting). [...]
Thanks for giving great positive thoughts, reflections & realities. Makes me less alone in the crazy world that is parenting a toddler.