I'm Scared of Age 10

I have friends who hate the newborn stage, I know people who fear the wrath of toddlers, and I understand all too well the parents who say it doesn't get any worse than age three. We're past that now. We've survived those stages, with all of the good and the bad. Our kids are now seven years old and almost five years old. They aren't babies anymore. They are no longer completely dependent. That is good, of course it is good, but it is also scary.

I always knew the teen years would be trying, although some parents have assured me that it is made somewhat easier if you foster that strong attachment and bond right from infancy. It is something I continue to work on, migrating from books like Attachment Parenting and The Baby Book to Playful Parenting and Connected Parenting and continually reminding myself to focus on the relationship, not just the behaviour.

Despite all of that, I have to admit that the headlines I've been reading lately scare me. In particular, it seems like all bad things happen at age ten.  Things that shouldn't happen to any child, ever. Things that certainly shouldn't be happening to a child that young. I know, these are sensationalized news stories, ones that are rare (I hope). But they are scary nonetheless.

• 10 Year Old Girl Gives Birth in Mexico: My colleague Ximena wrote about this at Care2 a couple of weeks ago. When I went to Google the story to drop the link in here, I discovered by colleague Judy had written about a similar case about a year ago in Spain.

• 10 Year Old Girl Commits Suicide After Intense Bullying: A day after she published the article about the 10 year old giving birth, Ximena published another article about a 10 year old ending her life because of the bullying she endured at school. I remember having some rough times at school at that age and being bullied. Sometimes it was bad enough that I didn't want to go to school, but the thought of committing suicide never even crossed my mind. Yet teen suicide, and now pre-teen suicide, is becoming horrifyingly frequent.

• 10 Year Old Faces Death Threats at Ottawa School: In another bullying case, a 10 year old student at an Ottawa school received death threats from a nine year old student. The student said she was going to kill their mothers and kill them. The nine year old was found in possession of a knife at school.

My friend Emma recently wrote about living in terror of parenting a teen. She told me that ten is a wonderful age and I've heard that from so many other friends too. I see my seven year old growing up and can imagine him being a wonderful ten year old. But these stories make me want to completely extract ourselves from society so that I can protect them from these horrors.

I don't want to be a helicopter parent and I do trust my kids, but I'm not sure I trust the rest of the world. Are these types of things happening more frequently now than they used to? Or is it simply the global information network that brings stories we otherwise wouldn't hear about into our browsers?

I don't want to live in fear. I want to trust the world, but more than that, I want to know how to change the world. Even if my kids, through sheer luck, privilege, or something we've passed down to them, are able to escape things like this, I still don't want it to happen to anyone else's kid.

How do we reclaim 10? How do we make it a fun and exciting time for our kids and everyone's kids to explore and come into their own, rather than a time to be tortured by the harsh unjust realities of this world?



Image credit: Pardee Ave on flickr

Comments

[Loukia]

I actually cried today thinking of this sadness. And worrying for my children. And all kids, really. I think the challenges and how we hdve to handle them are only going to get difficult. The baby and toddler years? Easy. From grade one on, real life begins...

[Violetsouffle]

I have been noticing those headline trends too, but I have a few years before I have to worry about them. My biggest fear is how much children that age seem to be spending record amounts of time online/ on social networks. Those social network sites to me seem like a very common place for extremely negative behaviors to flourish, especially amongst kids.

[Jen]

Personally, I think that we simply have access to information so much faster (and more info), that it makes things seem worse than they are. We are doing our best to raise free-range kids and I can't say that there's much I do worry about. All three kids are happy in school and out.

Our kids have a few activities (but not tons) and time as a family is important (we eat together nearly every night). Maybe we somehow live in a bubble, but the unhappiness my kids have experienced (or will experience) only comes from frequent moves (we are in the U.S. Foreign Service) or their father doing year long unaccompanied tours overseas. Here's hoping perhaps more people bringing attention to the matter will somehow lessen the problems...children deserve to be happy...

[Joannie]

Howdy,

Nice to see your blogs. My offspring are now in their mid teens 15 and 18 - and yes I remember stages before - around 10ish - not sure now. One of the best things I did with my son was to just turn everything off in the house (at one stage when something or other was happening) and we sat down and talked about it - that was a bit of a marker. Being a parent takes so much faith and as you've said focusing on the relationship is one way that I've survived. There has been more than one time that my kids have said to me - hey mum you won't like that - or you'll like this - at least evidence that they know me - something that makes me happy. I can only hope that I know them as well.

Maybe those articles are evidence of the world being all tooo close - if you know what i mean. Naturally in a world of - is it 7 billion people- there is going to be those stories and yes, in Australia there will be awful things happening but why should these things haunt us - that is unless we can do something about them.

I'm not sure if this will be controversal or something that you can relate to but - from time to time I wonder - why does 'it matter so much' - why am I so connected?

Maybe it could help us to understand if we can think of our parents feeling the same way about us and what would we say if so? Hey, let me live - don't you think? Throughout these years I've tried to get on with my own life. I wrote a poem for my daughter when she was very little -

I bless the day that you were born a daugher unto me.
I love you so I do not know if you will once be free.
I hug and kiss and hug again and wonder from where this comes.
I look into your face and hope your life will be the one that you most want to be.
I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder just how can this be so. I can only come to this I first must tread the road.
So out I step into my life afraid of what might come. I must confront my battles if they are the ones - to be won.

Who knows, there are many things that I could have done differently - but then that's life isn't it?

Something also that inspired me, particularly when my kids were little - was the book by Eric Fromme - The Art of Loving. In this he talks about all kinds of love, including the love of mothers (parents) for children and he talks about - through us loving our lives - our kids can see what it means to love one's life. Something that makes sense. But then this can be hard when, or if, you or I are filled with mixed feelings. No one said it was going to be perfect - life isn't perfect - for us or for them - but we are their closest buddies and hopefully we can share all kinds of feelings and experiences with them - the things that make up relationships - don't you think??

take care and best, Joannie

[Liz]

Those stories are extremely sad and worrying - and they are a big part of why I avoid a lot of news outlets. I find that the media overplays the extreme stories and highlights the truly unusual (typically the unusually negative) to draw readers in. Are they real stories? Sure. But are they *typical* stories of your average 10 year old in the US and Canada? Not by a long shot. My oldest is 10, we know a lot of 10 year olds (both within the US and without, as we have lived in Africa and Latin America over the last 4 years), and we haven't seen anything like this among our circle (which, I will grant you, is a fairly privileged circle). I don't need to worry about how those sensational stories might play out in my family in some imagined future - not because they could never happen, but because my time and energy are far better spent investing in my relationship with my kids in the reality we are living in today. We'll cross whatever bridges that pop up when they come, and hopefully our already-strong relationship will help us cross them relatively smoothly.

[Kathy Morelli]

Hi there - Annie - getting to know you in these pages, you will be a fine parent to a ten year old & to a teenager. Did you know that the consensus from valid & reliable research about families and teens indicate the majority of teens are respectful of their parents, are goal oriented, and are generally good people? The research consensus indicates that the media has created and hyped up an amazingly profitable demographic, and has created the myth of the disenfranchised teenager. The consensus of the research is that certain types of parenting generally produces certain types of characteristics in people, and that includes controls for inborn temperament. So, keep on using your skillful sensitive and playful parenting, and stay connected to your tween and teen. Don't be scared, I have a 17 year old. I used to be apprehensive; the media and looking at other families that stand out made me nervous, but when other faileis stand pout then usually there is something that needs to be addressed in the family. Overall, parenting has been a great joy. Love to you, Kathy

[phdinparenting]

I'm not that worried about my kids in particular (although I'm also not going to smugly suggest that they could never do any wrong). I'm more worried about societal influences and about other kids. I'm worried that someone might bully my child so much that he considers suicide. I worry that some 13 year old boy might get my 10 year old daughter pregnant. I worry about someone else bringing a knife (or worse) to school and threatening my kids with it. I worry about these things happening to my kids, but I also worry about them happening to anyone else's kids.

[Rachel]

Sometimes life begins before grade one.

Our friend's daughter entered Reception (Kindergarten) this year. It's been trying for them. The girls are already in cliques and shunning new kids or those that they just don't like that day. I was shocked and very sad to hear this.

I read articles like these and the subsequent comments and all I can think is HOMESCHOOL. Which I know is not for us but the instinct to protect and shield my son from the harsh realities of school and the social games and, sometimes, cruelty, is overwhelming.

What to do? Like you wrote, Annie, form a strong bond and good communication with your children. Help them develop their confidence and their empathy. And then hope that it is enough to make them speak up if they are being bullied or prevent them from becoming the bully themselves.

PS. Newborn stage was hard. But we are loving age 2 :)

[Sally]

Age 9/10 is when the hormonal pre/puberty stuff starts happening.

I've heard that Gavin DeBecker's "Protecting the Gift" is a good one for helping (AP) parents evaluate risk vs hype. (Forgive me if I misspelled author's name - I'm going from memory.) This one is on my "read soon" list.
Another recommendation would be "Hold on to your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld.

[sblairc]

I've had so many experiences even at the pre-school level with my daughter that would just make your skin crawl. The verbal bullying started pretty early, around 4. She's almost 6 now and started school this year, and things have actually improved because her educational environment is much better. At home, though, I work really hard to encourage her to emphathize with others particularly when she is not so kind in her words or actions. I think so much of the horrible things that happen occur because kids lack empathy and can't place themselves in the shoes of others and think of what that feels like. Encouraging and fostering empathy for others is something I see as pivotal when raising my daughter and something that I've observed lacking in many of her peers.

[Kristen]

My oldest turns 10 tomorrow, and although things get more complicated with age, there is nothing to fear. My girl is crazy about soccer, adores her baby brother, is learning to play the french Horn, and made friends with ease this year when we moved from Virginia to Connecticut. On the worrisome side, she looks about 13, loves testing me by saying "no" to anything I ask, and rocks out to terrible Top 40 radio, but she's such a good kid. It's interesting to watch her begin to independently navigate all of the things I feel like I've been preparing her for, for so many years. I'm looking forward to 10

[Alicia C.]

My oldest is now 13 and in high school. There was a point, ironically it was around when he was 10, where I had to just trust him. He's a good kid and I worried about him staying that way. We live in a low-income neighborhood and many of the kids around here haven't been raised in the best conditions. Most of his friends were running around unsupervised at all hours of the day and night... one of them even got caught smoking a joint AT SCHOOL when he and my son were in 6th grade (yeah... not the sharpest knife in the drawer.)

The reason I could let go and trust him is because I have repeatedly let him know (and continue to do so!) that he can come to me with anything and I won't fly off the handle. He knows that he'll never have to worry about me beating the crap out of him. Or hating him. Or giving up on him. He was raised with gentle, loving parenting.

Remember back when your kids were toddlers and people would say, "Oh, you're going to raise them to be a couple of spoiled brats!"? Well, here's the pay-off. While they struggle with getting their kids to say more than two words about their day at school, your kids will be comfortable enough to tell you about some pretty big situations that they've been in. They'll be able to let you in on their lives because they trust that you love them and always will. You'll be able to give them advice and they'll actually listen to it (I can't guarantee they'll take it but, if they don't they'll know they can come to you for help!)

[jessica]

Honestly - this is one of the contributions to our decision to homeschool or kids. I believe that culturally we push too much on kids too early and frequently the inescapable school environment amplifies the problem (there are of course exceptions, but I do believe that over emphasis on group think and hyper-sexualization - based on both qualitative and quantitative research, not to mention frequent anecdote - are fairly normal).

I have loved all of the ages and currently my 5 are 4-18 yrs, but parenting older children is *so much harder* than parenting younger children. I say this frequently when the topic comes up - the challenges they face as the enter the world (even has homeschoolers LOL) keep me up at night. And I struggle with making decisions in which there are no right answers. It is right to respond to a crying baby, it is right to breastfeed (assuming all the other supporting elements fall into place), etc. But is is right to let my teen go off to that party or drive off with that friend? What is the right thing to say when their heart is broken or when you expect it to be?

And unfortunately connection, while fabulously important, is not an antidote as evidenced by the experience of the Granju family http://mamapundit.com/2011/03/its-time-to-go-fully-public-with-what-really-happened-to-my-son-henry-granju/ - and other families in my circle who have lost or almost lost children to drug/alcohol related incidents.

As for 10 I think the best thing that we can do at that age is to protect them to be *children* because that is what they are. For most puberty is something they watch a film about, even if genetics or environmental factors have them physically developing early - these are kids that are meant to be playing and exploring the world with very little difference from when they were 8 - naturally they will move on to the next stages, but unless externally pushed, for most it won't be for several years....

[Sarah Blackwell]

We homeschool our children but live in a neighbourhood where all the other children attend school. My kids play with those kids and I understand your fear! The fear that someone else's child will 'do' something to your child...and homeschooling is not the answer for that! Your children will be exposed to society no matter where they go to school. However, its how we prepare them for these situations - as their parents! We need to communicate with our children EVERY day and EVERY few hours when they are hanging out with friends or playing at a friends house, or even have a friend over. I have a 5 year old son and he has a friend that is schooled who is allowed to come to our house to play for the entire day! His mother doesn't check on him, phone, come over...nothing! And yet, this same boy has also some bad habits of 'threatening' to get the children to play the way he wants. My child has inherited these bad habits by being exposed to them, but because I am aware of it I am able to talk to my son about it and explain why it is wrong and that not only is not acceptable to repeat this type of play, but to explain it is bullying and he needs to tell me right away if that boy starts playing that way. It starts young...so by 10 hopefully he will have the good habit of 'telling' when someone is bullying or doing something he knows is wrong. I have this same fear, and I don't think it matter the age, but to help ourselves feel better is to be confident in knowing that we have prepared our children the best we can for the world. If they know they can count on us, and talk to us when they need to...that will give them a lot of protection and resiliency to what the scary world will project on them.

[phdinparenting]

jessica:

You are right. Connection is not an antidote. I know that too well and have received quite a bit of backlash when I've written about it before. For me, connection is about fostering the type of relationship I want to have with my child, but I understand that it isn't a guarantee of success in life.

I wrote more on that topic here: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/12/15/nature-nurture-neither-more

[Misty]

In university I studied fear and urban space - how fear is felt in different urban places and spaces. The facts I learned surprised me - the things I had always feared might happen were essentially urban myths, made to seem by the media like they occur every day. I'm not trying to say abduction, abuse, bullying and suicide don't happen, but if we were to fear everything that had a 1% (or less!) chance of happening, we'd drive ourselves absolutely crazy. Yes, these stories are sad and terrifying, but they are not OUR stories. Staying in the present, and grounding ourselves in our own lives can surely go a long way in quieting many of these "what ifs."

[Scatteredmom]

10 is hard. But in our house, 10 was when life began to get better for Kevin, and he started to see that the stuff that was happening at school wasn't all about him and his fault. The key, I think, was that we had a rock solid family and supported, loved, and encouraged him, even though at the time our world was falling apart with moves, career changes, and hell happening to him at school (he had undiagnosed dyspraxia).

No longer can people be passive parents and expect their kids will just grow up and be happy, that the world will love them, etc. They say that it takes a community to raise a child, but sometimes, those communities are WAY off track.

10 is amazing. It's when they really start growing into the people that you'll see down the road, and when you can have some great conversations. Sure, they begin to pull away from you a bit but by always being there and having open, honest communication, I don't think you'll have anything to be afraid of.

Don't be afraid of 10, Annie. Embrace it. Hand in hand with your child.

[Kathy Morelli]

Hi Misty - Good to hear from someone else who has studied research...thanks for that information,,,and I wanted to add, again, that the consensus of research regarding raising teenagers is that the majority are good citizens and are solid members of the family, not screaming gimmees.....the media has a lot to do with creating the differentiated culture of adolescence and creating a consumer demographic and demand in that age group.

[Coffee with Julie]

I do have some worries about age 10 as well. (But really, I've probably worried about every stage! Is that not a mother's job? :)) I worry about self-image. Up until this time, a child seems completely oblivious to their physical appearance and now, with puberty and peers, it becomes something to be judged, and studied, and considered. I wish I could extend this magical time where my daughter has no care or consideration for her external appearance.

[Minneapolis Mom]

This post reminds me of a wonderful poem regarding the developmental progression of 10 year olds.... The good thing is that they begin to see the world beyond themselves and often develop great compassion. The hard part is they often experience the first feelings of melancholy and depression.

On Turning Ten by Billy Collins

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

[Kathy Morelli]

Hi Minnie Mom - Love this poem, am gonna copy & keep it in my office....beautiful poem abt growth & developmental change.... thanks

[Cynthia Wylie]

Ten is a piece of cake. Teenagers too. Just give them loads of independence. Trust them and tell them they have to earn and keep your trust. They will appreciate it so much. Yeah, seriously three is the hardest. Just my opinion.
From a mom who raised four and youngest is now 20. (so hard to believe). And ps they are all safe and fantastic.

[Amy]

My son is only 2, but the only thing I can think of is it to do what's in the realm of my control -- give him knowledge of the REAL world (when he's ready), security in the family, unconditional love, and pass down the wisdom I've learned in dealing with difficulty myself. I was molested at 11 and lived in extreme poverty from 9-13, but my mom's unconditional love made it so that I could overcome the hardships and not become a victim of them. For me, accepting the world as the chaotic place that it is gave me the freedom to choose a path of strength, love, and kindness, and I intend to pass that down to my kids.

[School Holiday Dates]

I think being 10 is a very tricky age. My son has just had to take grammar school entrance exams and unfortunately missed out by one point. Fortunately we were able to appeal to a panel of judges on his behalf and he has been lucky to be accepted into a Grammar School. There is so much change going on in his life and his body. We will have huge problems with girls very early on I fear. They are all so different at the age of 10, and all we can do is love them and let them know that we are here if they want to talk.