Wednesday
Jul142010
Exploring identity
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
My children do not have a religion. We do not believe that it is our place to give them one. That said, we encourage them to explore their beliefs and their identity.
At the moment, both of them seem to believe in reincarnation and often talk about what they might come back as in their next life. Emma says she wants to go to a church one day and sing songs. Here in Berlin, we live in Kreuzberg, a neighbourhood with a very large Turkish population. Today, Emma started asking about the hijabs that a lot of the women wear. She asked why they wear them. She said they are beautiful and commented several times on the aspects of specific hijabs that she liked (beautiful sparkles, butterflies, nice colours, etc.). She asked when she could wear one.
So when we got home from the pool, we took out one of my scarves and she had the opportunity to try it out. Despite the 30 degree heat, she liked it and said she would like to wear one all the time. She eventually took it off (as she normally does with anything in her hair, whether a hat, barrette, hair elastic, hairband or other), but I do wonder what I would have said if she had wanted to wear it out for dinner. I wouldn't have had a problem with it, but I would have been concerned about the reaction of Muslim families in the neighbourhood. How would they have perceived it?
At some point, we will teach our children more about the significance of different religions, cultures and customs and she will learn that the hijab is more than just a fashion statement. But at the moment, I'm glad that she expresses an interest and a desire to explore other identities, rather than being fearful of differences or arrogant about her own culture's superiority. An open mind is a wonderful thing.
At the moment, both of them seem to believe in reincarnation and often talk about what they might come back as in their next life. Emma says she wants to go to a church one day and sing songs. Here in Berlin, we live in Kreuzberg, a neighbourhood with a very large Turkish population. Today, Emma started asking about the hijabs that a lot of the women wear. She asked why they wear them. She said they are beautiful and commented several times on the aspects of specific hijabs that she liked (beautiful sparkles, butterflies, nice colours, etc.). She asked when she could wear one.
So when we got home from the pool, we took out one of my scarves and she had the opportunity to try it out. Despite the 30 degree heat, she liked it and said she would like to wear one all the time. She eventually took it off (as she normally does with anything in her hair, whether a hat, barrette, hair elastic, hairband or other), but I do wonder what I would have said if she had wanted to wear it out for dinner. I wouldn't have had a problem with it, but I would have been concerned about the reaction of Muslim families in the neighbourhood. How would they have perceived it?At some point, we will teach our children more about the significance of different religions, cultures and customs and she will learn that the hijab is more than just a fashion statement. But at the moment, I'm glad that she expresses an interest and a desire to explore other identities, rather than being fearful of differences or arrogant about her own culture's superiority. An open mind is a wonderful thing.
Reader Comments (42)
I've been thinking about the same thing lately. Even at the library today, there was a young woman with a hijab and I wondered if it was something that stood out to Margaret or if it was "just another person." She's 2, so her world experience is small and not very nuanced, but I did wonder about clothes. Your post from the other day "I don't know why..." reminded me of the movie The Princess Bride when Fezzik asks Westley why he's wearing a mask and the response is, "It's just they're terribly comfortable." At what point are clothes simply clothes and at what point would it look like mockery?
My 3yr old daughter has been asking a lot of the same questions lately. I think it is wonderful she is so open to the differences in peoples appearance {which is all my 3yr old would think it's about}
I also grew up in a house without structured religious teachings and when I became curious about church/religion, my parents encouraged me to do my own research to find out what works best for me. So, I read the bible on my own and visited most of the religious services in our town. In many cases, I went with friends but in some cases I rode my bike and went to church or temple on my own. And when someone asked why I was there, I would say I'm learning about everything so I can choose what's best for me. Everyone was warm and welcoming and didn't place any pressure to join their particular organization or take any offense to my curiosity. Subsequently, because I did so much research, I think I learned more about myself as well as developed a strong belief system that works best for me.
Hurray to you Annie for providing such a wonderful learning opportunity for your kids. I don't think anyone should be offended by children actively learning more about different religious beliefs and their customs.
OMGosh, she looks so darn stinkin' cute! My almst 5 year old recently inquired about a person in a wheelchair and after explaining that the man was not able to use his legs to walk and so used that chair, he said he wanted a wheelchair to walk for him. I wasn't sure how to respond to that, other than that he didn't need one since he was able to move his legs to walk.
Sara:
My son told me today that when he is so old that he can't walk anymore that I will need to go to the store to buy him a wheelchair or a walker. I said that when he is that old, I probably wouldn't be capable of going to the store for him anymore if I'm around at all. I suggested he get his "sweetheart" (our gender neutral kid-friendly word for life partner) to buy one for him and he said his sweetheart would be too old already too. So I suggested he ask his kids to buy one for him and he said they wouldn't have any money because they would just be kids. I then tried to explain that they would be adults by then, and he told me that I was silly for saying that kids are adults.
Ah....the fun of conversations with children!
Kudos to you for giving your children the freedom to choose their beliefs. I think that is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give. :)
An open mind is a wonderful thing, indeed. It's good that you plan to explain the significance of cultural norms, so that they understand what commitment/belief goes behind doing certain things. I had a discussion with a college student once who was going through a phase of mimicking African tribal norms. She just kept saying how beautiful all the piercings, etc. were and that's why she chose to do it. I wanted her to see how offensive that could be to people who had meaning for what they did. This wasn't a fashion statement to them. Anyway, I don't think my point got across, but had her parents taught her the difference when she was your daughter's age...
I think exploring is great, but I'm not sure how your daughter in a head scarf would be perceived in public, either. I'm not really sure what I would do if my child wanted to wear one out of the house. It's an interesting question. Obviously, trying out different styles of dress is great. But even so, we need to do so respectfully, and it's not always clear how to support both.
Luckily, like your daughter, my own rarely keeps anything on her head for long. So I doubt that I will face this issue, at least while she's still too young to engage in a nuanced conversation about it.
Balanced Melting Pot:
I agree that she needs to understand the meaning at some point, but I don't know that I could clearly convey it to her at 3 years old. I think that I would do more damage by trying to explain to her that she can't wear it and attempting to explain why, than I would by allowing her to explore and keep an open mind, and then explain more at an age appropriate time.
What do you think? If you saw a small child doing the same thing that the college student was doing, would you perceive it the same way? Would you think the parents were being inappropriate by allowing it?
No. But, I think even though she's only three, it's never too early to teach children the importance of respect for other cultures/religions/traditions. I look at the difference between my daughter, who at 2 attended a very diverse school that taught this, versus a friend's nephew who didn't and was teased for speaking Spanish. So I think even early on, they grasp the concept.
Balanced Melting Pot:
Agreed. My children thankfully attend a multilingual preschool/elementary school that has a government mandated curriculum on religious culture and ethics. That, in addition to discussions we have at home, travel that we do, and the diversity of our friendships, I hope will serve them well.
I think it's wonderful that you keep religion neutral in your household and have decided to let your children choose for themselves. What a concept! :) Beautiful post. I enjoyed reading it very much.
I support my own children exploring religion and making up their own mind, however that doesn't stop me from teaching them my own religion and my own beliefs. I see nothing wrong with that, indeed it would seem particularly cruel of me not to share my beliefs with my children.
That said as they grow, if they tell me they don't want to attend church or Sunday School or want to delve into other religions I would fully support them. That's how I find my own way after all.
If your daughter wanted to wear the hijab out in public, I would probably try to veto that idea. I'm sure that others would be offended and I'm not sure that it would be clear to them what was happening.
I'm not sure the best way to explain it to a 3 year old, but I think I would veto the idea as well. While it's important for children to explore religion and culture, clothing can be very sacred within a religion and if I switched out the hijab for clothing that is sacred in my own religion, I would say that I would be offended to see a child who had no understanding of the reasoning behind it, wearing it. I wouldn't be offended at the child, but rather at the adults and wonder whether they were making a mockery of my faith.
Would she accept that the decision to wear a hijab or not is generally one made later on, not at such a young age? Perhaps if you explained to her that the women she sees wearing the hijab all had to decide whether to wear it when they were old enough to understand all about their religions and customs and to choose based on that, she might accept that it's not something she can wear out and about until she's older? It's probably an oversimplification to put it that way, but perhaps an accessible explanation?
Split Milk:
It's anyone's guess as to what she'll accept on any given day! But that is a great suggestion.
I think she looks lovely. It's great that she can appreciate people who look different from her rather than being scared or judgemental. My husband and I are also raising our son without any particular religion. We'll encourage him to decide for himself when he is old enough. What a great learning opportunity you provided her by letting her see what it felt like to wear a hijab.
The incredible diversity in our small world constantly amazes me. I am lucky enough to teach in a community where there are multiple religions and cultures, and my students have been mostly curious and eager to learn about one another's cultures. I hope that my son is lucky enough to have that kind of diversity when he's old enough for school.
How funny. Thanks for giving me a chuckle on a very tiring day!
Great suggestion!
I think the way you handled it was really well done. It is hard to know how far to let experimentation go. My son has a teacher who wears the hijab and he asked her if he could wear hers and she wrapped him up in an extra scarf, but of course it was her tradition to share. She did tell him that men don't wear them, but he still wore it around for the day. When I got to school I just told him he had to leave the scarf at school, so my part was easy.
She looks so cute, actually I wear hijab and I really doubt any muslims would have any problem with it. Actually, my daughter sometimes wants to wear one outside and many times I find myself discouraging her because I don't want people (ie. General public) to think I made her wear it.
Quick note the the hijab should cover a bit more of her forehead :) But she's darling!
I live in Mauritius which has a high Muslim population, my husband is a Muslim and while we do not practice, and I am not; I do sometimes wear a hijab out in public, along with my "western clothes". No one notices, or if they do I myself do not notice. Either way, no one makes an issue of it, and my Muslim family member often comment on how nice it looks on me.
It's important to note that headscarves are worn by many different groups of people, for many different reasons, not only religious. It's adorable that your daughter asked to wear it, I would have taken the time to explain to her what the significance and use of it is. (maybe you did?)
It is such a pleasant relief to hear from other parents who believe in letting children grow into their own spirituality rather than indoctrinating them! In today's news in the U.S. we read of a debate on immigration in the Congress in which they were quoting scripture to each other and arguing about its meaning...More and more I fear the future here, and I look forward to emigrating so that my children can raise theirs where government is secular and society is accepting of diversity.
Your daughter is just beautiful in her hijab. When we lived in Mayan regions, we read advice in the guidebooks that we should not wear the local traje (folk costumes) we bought there while we were still there. But my girls loved the outfits they saw on local women and girls and wanted to wear their own. One day some girls in the market dressed my girls in traje and all who saw were delighted. After that, my daughters wore traje in public when they felt like it, and we got a lot of pleased looks and remarks. No one ever had anything negative to say about it. I think maybe people felt that my willingness to have my own children dress in their traje suggested my acceptance of the Mayan people and their customs.
While we were in Guatemala, Mayan girls who wore traje were barred from many schools, and those at the university could not go out to a pub with their western-dressed friends. Maybe my family looked like a show of support. I certainly hope so.
I think that is very cool. I remember when I was little I knew a Jehovah's Witness family. They were the only family I knew of who were religious and since we didn't have a religion of our own I decided I wanted to be a JW. However, even though I was very young when I decided this (9 or 10?) my mom got mad at me and basically said she's disown me if I ever became a Jehavoh's Witness. To this day I have a lot of admiration and respect for JWs, but I never did become one. In fact I didn't figure out what I believed in until I was much older (in my mid 20's). I commend you for supporting your kid's interest and exploration. I wish my mom had done the same.
It is important to remember that there is many different reasons for women to wear a hijab, so I wouldn't jump to the conclusion too quickly that it is for religious or cultural reasons only.
She looks beautiful. I don't have much else to say other than that I absolutely think she should be able to wear whatever she wants. I can't imagine that anyone could take it as anything but a compliment - Children are children no matter what your culture, I think.
This. It's not an entirely apt comparison, but my daughter started the conversation about getting her ears pierced around age 3. From the beginning, I told her that while many people she knows have had the choice made for them, it was really important in our family to really understand the level of commitment and responsibility that comes with choosing to change one's appearance in such a permanent way. While she's "forgotten" these conversations repeatedly, gentle reminders about needing to be older to make an informed and conscious choice have always been met positively.
One that might be more fitting: I converted to Judaism 2 years ago, via a very progressive denomination. I chose to not convert my kids, in spite of including them in my Jewish community and raising them in a Jewish household. They know they're free to believe whatever resonates best with them, and at 8 and 10, they seem to really get that now. My girl very much identifies with the rituals and community aspects of Judaism, but also identifies very strongly with the secular Christianity that surrounds her. But she talks about wanting to have a Hebrew name, and possibly having a Bat Mitzvah when she's old enough (without pressure from me at all). The boy seems to have more of a cultural connection to Judaism ("Can I just be Jewish for the food?), and is firmly entrenched in his atheism (which I support completely).
Hello, I am regular reader of yours and I am a Muslim of Indonesian background. I think the Muslim community will just be delighted at the sight of your daughter wearing the hijab. I will not see it as a mockery, on the contrary I will see that as a sign of great respect. I remember Princess Diana used to wore a modest head scarf when visiting mosques/Islamic countries and Muslims loved that about her.
I don't wear a Hijab, and I share the view with many moderate Muslims that it is not something 'sacred'. The wearing of hijab by non-Muslim is highly unlikely to be interpreted as being insensitive/offensive (e.g as opposed to mockery of prophet Muhammad or the Al Qur'an). Your daughter looks so beautiful in that scarf. My 2 y.o also likes to put on the hijab sometimes for dress up.
This site: http://rumahmufida.com/ even offers special Muslim costumes for toddlers/under 5. As you can see there are ladybug/bee/duck/kitty/sunflower inspired hijabs. :)
She is adorable, and I'm in awe of her perceptiveness, innocence and openness to those around her. Shows what kind of wonderful and supportive atmosphere her parents are providing ;)
I too think that Muslims would not be offended if you went out with Emma wearing hijab (not me at least). Many Muslims believe that everyone is "born Muslim" (in submission to a higher power), and might just see her as acting out her "natural inclinations". Or that she's just so darn cute. I wonder though, how non Muslims would react to your daughter in hijab.
I'm always torn though when I see young girls in hijab. Spilt Milk hit it on the mark by noting that people tend to choose and make an informed decision about wearing hijab when they reach a certain age, maturity or spiritual level. So when I see 4 and 5 year olds going to school in hijab I always think how cute they look, but then wonder if there's a family figure forcing the issue at home. There's a concern of explaining why one should wear it -- and explaining modesty issues, sexual and gender differences to a 4 year old and possibly making a child unecessarily sexually aware (I have to wear hijab because I have breasts and Khalid doesn't? My breasts are a temptation? My hair is a temptation? I don't even have breasts yet!") But its not always about modesty either. Some parents sending their children to public school may be using hijab as an identity marker -- to remind teachers that little Amina can't eat the peperoni pizza.
It's a personal concern for me because I know Eryn will grow up seeing me in hijab, and I wonder how and if that will affect her choice to wear it or not. And how soon she may ask to wear it. Not that hijab limits life in any way (in my opinion and practice). Even if she decided to wear it at age 8, she can still run around, go swimming, climb trees, etc. My reservations are rooted in my own hijab hang ups.
Thanks for this post.
Woodturtle:
Thank you so much for your comment. I had hoped you would share your perspective on this post.
As the mother of two Muslim daughters, I can remember the first time each one decided to wear their Hijab out in public. The older one decided that she just wanted to continue to wear hers after we had left the Mosque. The younger one wanted to wear one to school. DD#1 took hers off after we had walked around Target for a while and I put it in my purse, fixed her hair and that was that. DD#2 took hers off while at school, but I'm assuming it was no big deal since she goes to an Islamic school.
At first I was uncomfortable. I kept thinking that people were looking at us. I look, dress and act American. I wasn't sure how to handle my Hijabi daughter's request. But I took a deep breath and accepted that it was her choice. She was trying on a persona, a costume - she was playing dress up, making believe she was a character. My daughters don't fully understand the meaning behind the Hijab, they know that they are supposed to wear one while praying, but they don't understand why some women choose to wear one all the time, and some do not.
I spoke with one of my Muslim friends about this thing that my daughters do when they choose to wear Hijab out. She said, don't make it a big deal. No one who wears Hijab thinks it is a big deal when they see someone who is under 14 wearing one. They understand it is a way of emulating someone, akin to wearing a princess dress, or a doctor's scrubs.
I don't know how I will feel if and when they decide to wear Hijab full time. I will do my best to be supportive, pick out pretty scarves and modest clothing for them to wear, and learn all I can on how to tie one in the most flattering and fun way. But I won't really know until we cross that bridge. But I tell you, the thought makes me a little verklempt.
This website has adorable Hijabs. In what language is it written? Thanks
[...] 32 My Islamic Life July 16, 2010 at 4:52 pm [...]
It's in Indonesian. There are plenty of shops selling kids-themed Muslim wear in Jakarta. If you google images for "baju Muslim anak-anak", there will be more similar sites/online shops. :)
Katadia, Thank you! I'm always looking for fun, modest clothing.
Salam
how did you do the hijab like that? I wore one when I lived in the middle east and I could NEVER get it to look that good! I ended up just buying the stretch pull-on "trainer" hijabs intended for little girls.
I just shared this with my husband as well. A beautiful post about freedom and tolerance. Bravo,
You could study the reasons why other people and cultures do such things because that's always interesting, but a person doesn't have to follow that same reason on why they wish to do it. I could decide one day that I want to cover myself from head to toe and only show my eyes and it could have nothing whatsoever to do with a religion...it was just my mood that day. And another day, I could walk around naked (if it weren't illegal) because it was my mood that day. There doesn't have to be a reason, and people should not be offended by someone liking their fashion or way of life...that's ridiculous! Pure innocence is what we are....
But what if it is sacred to that child on that particular day and has nothing to do with any religion?
what woodturtle said. as a muslim, i would also not feel to hung up about this and i agree that many (maybe most) Muslims probably wouldn't find it offensive either. but i'm still not sure that in and of itself makes it ok. an adult white friend of mine recently had a conundrum over whether to wear a sari to the wedding of a family member who was marrying someone of indian origin. all the women were planning to wear saris. when she asked my opinion, i wasn't sure what logic to use to assess the situation: if most or all of the people in the room are not offended, does that make it alright? also, the kid aspect raises questions for me. if she wears it out, is that negative reinforcement for the (small minority, i think) of other kids who may have been pushed towards it? not sure, but it does feel like a potential can of worms.
As an ESL teacher, I'm around Muslim women and women all day (most from Saudi Arabia). I guess because of that, I don't see a little girl wearing a hijab a big deal AT ALL. My students know I'm not Muslim, yet they buy me gifts of hijabs and other traditional Arab clothing. They think it is great when I wear it. Actually, they give it to me so I'll wear it to our cultural gatherings. Sometimes my 3-year-old son plays around with the scarves at home and talks about which of my students he or I look like in a hijab. He says I look like a princess in the hijab. Honestly, I'm just glad he's embracing people people from other cutlures and religions. I doubt my son will decide to be Muslim, but if he did, that would be cool with me. My Muslim students are some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life - they've been such a positive influence on our lives.
This is something I am struggling with in my own household. My mom raised me with "no religion." She was not a religious person, and she left me on my own without encouraging me to seek answers to my questions. As an adult, I have had a hard time trying to explore my own beliefs. How does one simply start believing in God (in any form)? My husband has a beautiful faith in the Christian God, and I am envious of his relationship with that God. But how do I develop something similar as an adult? I'm not sure that I can - I've got too much skeptic in me now.
We need to find some balance for our son, who is now two and a half. I want to give him foundation but also and freedom to find his own way. It is tough to do. Your post is getting me thinking on the topic again.