Sunday
Jul112010
What should you tell expectant/new parents?
Sunday, July 11, 2010 
I have a list of 10 things all new parents should know.Jessica has a list of things she should not tell new/expectant parents.
What do you think expectant/new parents should be told?
What do you think we should let them figure out on their own?
Image credit: Emery Co on flickr
Reader Comments (27)
I think most things they just have to find out on their own. Looking back, I can't think of anything that I wished somebody would have told me. And there's no guarantee that I would have listened, let alone comprehended any advice if it had been given.
Beyond advice, is there anything you wished someone had warned you about? Something that took you by surprise that would have been easier if you had known?
The only thing I wish I'd been warned about was that inductions often lead to c-sections. I wish when I'd gone in to be induced and they found I was in labour someone had said to me - don't do the induction - just wait and see what happens. I could have been more informed about birth choices in relation to c-sections.
I had nipple damage to do with a poor latch (also probably c-section related) but I wouldn't have wanted anyone to warn me about that because it might have weakened my resolve to breastfeed. What got me through was that I was so certain that it could be easy and natural.
This is a difficult one. When I became a first time mum I thought I'd entered a secret society, even though gazillions of women have had children. I didn't find it instinctive, probably due to a lack of confidence generally, and I felt almost conned and always asked myself "why didn't anyone tell me it'd be like this?"
However, how can anyone warn you about and how can you ever comprehend the relentless ride that is motherhood unless you've experienced it? If I had been told in great detail, I probably wouldn't have listened. One thing I didn't know and it seems such a simple thing, is all the bleeding and particularly the yukky clots that keep coming even a couple of weeks after you've had your baby. Somehow that slipped the birthing classes!
I'm now a volunteer telephone counsellor at a post and ante natal association NFP in Australia. The other day I had a lovely woman phone who said she felt like a failure because of the way she was feeling. We have such high expectations of ourselves don't we?
Lisa:
I think it is great that you are a volunteer telephone counsellor. I spent several years as a message board moderator because I wanted to help new moms, but I felt more comfortable doing so when they were coming to me for help (rather than just offering unsolicited advice). Now I write this blog and although any information I dispense here isn't necessarily solicited, I figure people can choose whether they want to read or not.
Both of these lists are absolutely fantastic. Yes, yes, yes to both #1s. Too much stuff. I definitely overloaded my 80s babies with junk. Sometimes I think my "baby-boom" generation invented junky plastic toys. Somehow my kids grew up to be quite anti-materialistic (we spent a LOT of time outdoors too). And I am left to get rid of all the junk (-:
Yes, you love your children differently. They are different people!
Finally, you are right that doctors are not parenting experts. And, unfortunately, there are a few out there who seem to have tin ears.
Actually I meant to say that "we" invented wretched excess. (-:
Oooh I have posted about this: My focus was so on labour and getting through the pregnancy and birth of our baby... I was having a homebirth in a place where home-births are considered to be lethal and basically child abuse... I had spent the entire pregnancy swatting a potentially negative birth away and never gave actually living with a baby even the smallest thought!!! I had the dreamy idea that babies slept while mother's did tiny bits of laundry but no reality what so ever!!!
So here are Se7en things I never thought about before having a baby: http://www.se7en.org.za/2008/11/12/se7en-things-i-never-thought-about-before-having-a-baby
and as for experience with babies - I had had non of that either!!! So Se7en things I wish I had known about nursing... http://www.se7en.org.za/2008/10/31/se7en-things-i-wish-i-had-known-about-nursing
As a doula, I always tell them to set up their support system now, before the baby is born!!
As a mother: do your research, but more importantly, trust your instincts.
i’m always floored when women do not know or realize much about interventions… or do not prepare themselves for this amazing experience! i agree, it is hard to know what to expect. i remember going to our midwife appointments and being asked at the end of the session, “do you have any questions?” my husband and i would look at each other and i would say, “i’m not sure! should we?!” haha
when i first got pregnant i wanted to know everything about anything to do with my pregnancy and especially MY choices during the birth experience. i had an amazing doula and a wonderful midwife team.
from what i have learned, OBGYN’s are not the best source when it comes to letting the MUM make INFORMED decisions on what could/might happen during labour. they typically don’t expect a woman to make decisions and seem to treat the pregnancy/birth with the thought of ‘this is how it is going to happen and you should just let us, the professionals, do what we’ve been trained to do.’
INSTEAD, mums are CREATED for this experience and let’s let the woman/body/baby do what THEY’VE been created to do! we’re much more the professional than most male doctors who have been trained more as a surgeon than on giving birth naturally and walking the mother through what her body is meant to do!
you should check out ‘the business of being born’ and ‘pregnancy in america’… both very good documentaries about the state of pregnancy in america today. the first, has a lot of history included as well – that one has more to do with midwifery.
i felt very much empowered by the process of creating my birth plan – going through each stage, each issue, each intervention, etc… what i/we wanted/hoped to have happen. if anything were to change, each decision needed to be discussed with me. before i went through this part, i was very scared to give birth – to be honest! but once i had gone through my birth plan/preference, i was able to look forward to the birth. i actually became very excited to experience it!
i agree that it’s hard to know WHAT to know, but we need to, alongside our midwife/doula/OBGYN, do our own research. there is SO much out there that to go through this experience unprepared is missing out on the most life changing experience for you AND baby!
as for dads: they need to be just as involved in the process! my husband listened to the information i had found (not an avid reader!) and we made most decisions together. i know, too, that when a partner is supportive of the decisions that a mother makes for herself and their baby, it is much less stressful! breastfeeding – for example – tends to last longer when a partner is supportive and active. (‘the womanly art of breastfeeding’, from the le leche league – 8th edition is coming out in july!)
I think that the best thing someone can do for a new or expectant parent is to empower them to listen to themselves and their baby. And also to be there, ready and willing to listen and offer support or resources. I think that advice, unless it's solicited, often goes in one ear and out the other. Or else, it is forgotten by the time it is needed. But someone who is willing to follow their baby's cues and knows where to go for help is in a great position to get things off to a good start.
My personal rule of thumb is to answer questions new/expecting parents ask as honestly as possible, framing my advice/stories as MY personal experience (to make sure that just because that's what worked for me, the same thing won't necessarily work for them), but always telling them that each baby is different and that their instincts are their best parenting tool.
There are a few topics that I have a hard time holding back about. I don't want to give unsolicited advice, so I just say something like "Oh, you're doing ABC. Have you heard of resource XYZ? It might help you."
[...] 2010 Filed under: Parenting — amoment2think @ 11:48 am Annie from PhD in Parenting posted this question today on her blog. I was going to comment there, but realized that my response was going to be epic. [...]
Expectant parents should be allowed their illusions. New parents should be told that they're doing just fine with whatever it takes, and that everything will be better, and easier, with time.
I totally 100% agree with Amber!
Actually, this question got me thinking so I blogged a long version of my response. http://amoment2think.wordpress.com/2010/07/11/advice-for-moms-to-be/
Essentially it boils down to trust yourself, have confidence in your decisions and do what you believe is right. And don't let anyone else make you feel bad, guilty or that you need to justify doing what you feel is the best thing for your child.
There are things I wish I'd been told, and advice I really appreciated. I was very scared of labour and birth and a midwife said it's only one day, the big job is what comes after. It was so true. I tried to be very prepared but focused on birthing, I wish I'd looked a bit beyond it. Nobody told me breastfeeding could be so extremely painful and I wish I'd been prepared (but I had good support so it was ok) so I wouldn't have had so many doubts during the early days. And I have to say, there's so much support online out there that if you have internet access and are prepared to do a bit of research, it's no problem figuring out most things yourself.
Also something that I only realised later, babies and everything about them are different and what works for one person doesn't for another. It's about finding out what works and being confident to go with it.
No one told me that my hair would fall out a few months after the birth; that freaked me out. Wish I would've been given a heads up on that.
I tell my friends that birth / parenting / nursing is 80% mental. I often use an athlete analogy since so many of my friends are athletes. If you think you can do it, that is 80% of the battle.
The birth is one day. So if it doesn't go the way you wanted it to, try not to dwell on it. Focus on healing so you can enjoy your new baby.
Not everyone bonds with their baby right away. It might take days, weeks or months depending on the mother. So get rid of the guilt.
If you suspect you may have PPD, put away your pride and ask for help. Immediately.
If your breastfed baby is small on the growth charts, but it happy, having plenty of wet and dirty diapers and is growing, don't let your doctor bully you about where on the chart they fall. Someone has to have the small babies.
And finally, trust your gut. If something your pediatrician or best friend or MIL tells you to do doesn't feel right, seek out a second, third or fourteenth source.
Lots of wonderful comments. Kayris's paragraph about growth charts raises a particularly important point (in my opinion). My (breast-fed) daughters were *always* at 0% (yes, really) on the growth charts. They were also *extremely* healthy babies who grew up to be healthy, successful young adults with better eating habits than I do (no thanks to me, we went through all the typical food battles).
In reading the comments and some of the links posted, I feel pretty lucky that we were never harassed by anyone at our pediatrician's practice about their weight and I am appalled that this kind of thing is happening. I don't know exactly how to phrase this but it seems somewhat contradictory (to me anyway) that there is a big concern about childhood obesity yet, when a naturally small but healthy, active baby is below some arbitrary percentage on the growth chart, her parents are harassed about it. Seems to me that forcing a baby to eat more than they need could potentially be a factor leading to obesity or other eating disorders.
Yes to seeking out information on your own and trusting your gut.
I wish more second+ children parents were warned that parenting child number two (and beyond) will often be TOTALLY DIFFERENT than your first. It's almost akin to being a new parent again.
my baby has been breastfed (and still is at 16 months) and she went from being on 'right' line on the growth chart to going down two lines. her pediatrician told me i needed to give her cows milk (if you can believe it!) for the fat content! i just kept my mouth shut and didn't listen.
i was shocked that she would suggest that as breastmilk is premium in this area. there are a number of things she 'suggests' i do, but i often just ignore her suggestions because i just don't think it's true. i don't do things 'just in case'. and if it's something that i've not heard of, i do my own research and then decide what is best for my baby.
after all, i know my baby. her pediatrician sees her for 15 minutes every few months.
i agree... listen to your gut. and NEVER be scared to say no thanks, or ask for a second opinion.
[...] Over at PhD in Parenting (great blog!), the question is being asked: What do you think expectant/new parents should be told? What do you think we should let them figure ... [...]
Good post and great comments! I'm a newly-minted parent but I've already learned a few things...the number one being that I know nothing and probably never will, it's all an evolving learning experience.
But, for a few things I've perceived thus far, I've done my own post:
http://spitsandgigglesblog.com/?p=289
I hope some of you have a chance to check it out! :)
Yes. This.
[...] than expected. Here’s a list of ten things I think every new adoptive parent should know. PhD in Parenting has a list of 10 things all new parents should know. Read that [...]
the most awesome (practical) thing I learned was to double sheet the bed. so it goes mattress, waterproof cover, mattress pad, fitted sheet, second waterproof pad, second mattress pad, second fitted sheet. then top sheet blanket etc. That way if the sheets become wet in the middle of the night, you can strip off the top set and still have a dry place to sleep at night without having to change the whole bed. :)