Knee jerk or just jerk?

A friend of mine was at swimming lessons with her family. This visit to the pool was nothing out of the ordinary. They swam. She nursed her toddler. They got ready to leave and headed out to the parking lot. As they were putting their children into the car, another family tossed their young child into the backseat of their car, didn't put her in a car seat or buckle her up with a seat belt, and started driving away. My friend banged on their car and told them their child had to be properly secured. That it is the law. The mother turned to my friend and said "stop breastfeeding your daughter" and drove off with the child still unbuckled.

Huh?

Parents, and mothers in particular, seem very apt to react emotionally to any criticism of their parenting, whether warranted (as it was in this case) or not (as it is so frequently). It even goes as far as people reacting emotionally to anyone else supporting a parenting choice that is different from their own. These emotional reactions do nothing but fuel the mommy wars. I think if we all took a moment to think and reflect in the face of any direct or indirect criticism, rather than responding in anger, we'd all be a lot happier and like each other a lot more.

Knee-jerk reactions make you sound like a jerk. Period.  If someone does criticize your parenting, whether warranted or not, stop and think before you respond. Use rational arguments rather than shouting irrelevant or unrelated insults or criticisms in return. It will make other people like you a lot more, but more importantly, I think it will make you like yourself a lot more too.

Comments

[craphead]

I read this post and comments, as well as the post on Raising My Boychick and comments. I left this comment on Arwyn's blog yesterday, and Annie suggested leaving the comment here as well.

I’ve been reading and thinking about this off and on all day. I’m not sure what I would have done. I have to admit that I am surprised, sometimes shocked, sometimes angry, to see kids not buckled in. When we lived in Phoenix, one of our neighbors drove her kids over to her sister’s house without having them strapped in. Her sister lived two streets up and she did not have to go on any major roads (it was the same subdivision, if that makes more sense?). For a long time I thought she was awful for doing that. But once I figured out she was just going to her sister’s, it just didn’t bother me. It was maybe not the best decision, maybe not the one I would have made, but also not all that dangerous. So did I say anything? Nope. And I would not have called CPS or the police, either.

I think the seatbelt thing makes it tricky because it is a law, because it IS safer, because it seems so easy and simple on the surface. I personally do not drive without my kids being buckled in. And yet, there have been times that I was so frazzled and thought someone else strapped the kids in that I ended up driving with a kid not strapped in! Now they are older and do their own straps, so we have a phrase we use to indicate that everyone is strapped in. My husband is a bit more anal about seatbelts than I am. We live in the country now. Our road is not busy (that’s an understatement! We see as many horse and buggies as we do cars, and let me tell you the Amish let pretty young kids drive those buggies and with NO seatbelts! haha). So sometimes we get to the mailbox and I let the kids get unstrapped before I turn into our driveway, if there is no one else coming. I still want them to sit down, however. My husband doesn’t want their straps off until we are in our driveway (it’s about 3/10 of a mile long). We let them “drive” on the driveway. Is that all unsafe? I don’t know. I can see how it would look that way to others. Honestly, I think that is what my husband is worried about at that point. It’s not a safety issue when you are on a country road and there is no one else in sight and you have 10 more feet to drive before you turn into your driveway!

Anyway, the seatbelt thing is trickier than most other things, I think. I’ve been on the receiving end of comments for having barefoot kids and I can tell you I do NOT like it. Most of the time, though, it’s a benign comment, like “Where are your shoes?” Usually the shoes are right in my hand as the kids HAD the shoes on, but their feet got hot. I simply say that I have their shoes and sometimes I mention that their feet get hot. Perhaps these people judge or roll their eyes something, but usually all they do is ask about the shoes.

However, one day we were all at Wal-Mart doing the self-checkout. The kids started running around and being generally wild, so I decided to get out of the store fast and let my husband finish checking out. While we were in the store, my then 3 year old had taken off her shoes. She had also taken off her sweater. I didn’t have time to get her shoes on (her dad had them) because I was too upset about the wildness that didn’t stop when I asked them to stop. I didn’t think about the sweater until we were already in the parking lot. I was, of course, holding their hands, so was unable to put her sweater on her (not that she was cold or asking for it!)

So here I am walking in the Wal-Mart parking lot with a barefoot princess. She was cute, but barefoot and no sweater and it was about 40 degrees or so. This lady asks where her shoes are. At first I thought it was the benign question. But then she starts getting angrier and telling me that it’s “only 40 degrees out” and she should have shoes on. I start to explain about the hot feet and that she doesn’t want her shoes, and she says I am the mom and I need to make her wear her shoes. Nevermind that her feet were NOT cold. Nevermind the wildness in the store, nevermind that my husband was coming and had her shoes. She also asked if I had a coat for her and offered to go buy one. Eventually I told her it was none of her business and that by yelling at me she was making me take even longer to get to the car. The kids were confused and upset because some stranger was yelling at their mom.

So while I can see that it is important to look out for kids and help them out of abusive situations and just look out for kids, in general, there is a fine, fine balance there. And helping, with love and concern, is always, always better than yelling, judging, head shaking, eye rolling, etc. We so often do not have a clue what is going on that it is hard to figure out what to do. Sometimes doing nothing is better, and sometime it isn’t. It’s a tough call. I don’t fault your friend for trying, for worrying, for being concerned. But I also don’t fault the woman for responding with an emotional and unhelpful comment. It is possible that at that moment, the mom was so angry that having her child unstrapped in the car was perhaps safer than forcing her child her seat. I, too, have forced my kids in mid-tantrum. It is NOT fun. It is NOT easy. It is not easy to do it and remain calm and gentle. I have at times been too rough with them. Perhaps this mother was making the best decision she could at the time? And since the dad was there, it was also his decision, right?

OK, now that I finished my novel, I’m not sure if I should post my comment here or on Annie’s blog?? I read both posts and comments, so my comment is really about both. Ah well, if I made a blog etiquette mistake, I hope you all will forgive me.

[PhD in Parenting 2010 Commenti]

[...] your social capital, school vs. homeschooling,  reporting marketing of breastmilk substitutes, calling out a mom who didn’t buckle her child into a car seat, reproductive rights, and [...]

[megan w.]

That was a great comment from craphead. This post has got me thinking about the way I react (or don't) to the things I see everyday. It seems there is a fine line, but I am not sure where that is. I just want to say that as far as the helmet thing goes (and I know Annie has written on this before) seriously it is almost an immediate danger. I am a cyclist myself and had a very bad head injury as a child that affected me for years because I wasn't wearing a helmet. Another friend of mine's life was saved in 5th grade by a helmet. Yes they are a PITA (I know I put one on a 15 mo old all the time) but seriously Id rather be the ass than have someone's life taken or destroyed. Its not as tho people are really choosing between an x-box and a helmet. If ur kids won't wear safety gear take them for a walk or play basketball. Everyone who rides bikes falls, some falls are worse than others, but the danger is great.

[Lorette Lavine]

Safety cannot be taken for granted...head injuries are devastating and kids need to be protected from these injuries if at all possible...sometimes it requires them to be protected from their own parents as well.
Unfortunately in today's world you are at risk when you but-in to someone else's 'space' especially another parent's. I am not surprised by the reaction of both moms. Both were upset but one was negligent no matter how you view it.
I just did a very short piece on criticism and learning how to deal with it on one of my blog today. When criticized try not to react out of anger (not easy) but try to learn from it and move on to a better place.

[Penny]

I used to work at Starbucks in the drive thru and I saw car seat violations all of the time and I started taking license plates and I called the police and they said there was nothing they could do unless they witnessed it themselves.

[Lisa]

Um, and if you can afford to buy a CAR, couldn't you spend a hundred bucks more to get a car seat?!?

[Charise @ I Thought I Knew Mam]

Unbelievable! I don't even understand how the woman could equate the two in her head.

[Slee]

all i'm saying is that if someone banged on my car for anything short of "you're about to run over me" or "excuse me, but your baby is on the roof," i wouldn't have reacted as well, especially if dealing with a full blown tantrum. then again, i'd never have tossed a kid in the car without buckling them in properly.

[Desiree]

I had a discussion like this with my in-laws. I was told we were no longer considered family for quite a while after that and I was told that because I wasn't a mom, I had no business telling anybody how to take care of a child. I was also told that it wasn't my child and therefore I had no business saying anything about the fact that the child was not in a car seat and that it was their decision as his parents as to whether to put him in his car seat or not. I love my nephew and don't want to see him be put in danger or get hurt because people don't feel like putting him in a child safety seat. I am also a state mandated reporter; if I don't report, I could be fined and be looking at jail time; not something I am ok with either.

[Wise Woman Birthing]

Thank you. I am not interested in living in a police state mentality. I attachment parent, as in, do not put my baby down for the 1st year. But then later I follow a child-led philosophy. We have gone to other countries where there are no seat belts in the vehicle. When in Rome...is my thought. I also grew up in the age of 4,5,6 kids pilled in the back seat with my little sister at my mom's feet in the front seat. We have bought into the research that has been provided by car seat manufacturer, akin to Pharma's "research" on a certain drug. We are good citizen's and DO use carseats and follow all of the other rules of the road. One day, I ran into the bank to make quick withdrawl. I left my 2 young children buckled. I was back in less than 2 minutes. They were within eyeview the whole time, as the whole terminal is glass. When we got home, the police showed up to tell me that what I had done was illegal and someone had reported me. I just don't think it is anyone's business why I made that judgement call.

[hallo]

I partially agree with Noble Savage, partially not. I think one should say something but I wouldn't have said it in that way since you are right it is not 'immediate danger.' But if I didn't say something and something did happen, I would think I should have. If you frequent the same swimming lessons I may have asked about it when the opportunity presents itself like at the next swimming lesson. Not such a knee jerk reaction because although a risky choice, it didn't sound as though the parent forgot.