Should we parent boys and girls differently?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010 
Cathy from Nurture Store asked me whether we should parent boys and girls differently. In a perfect world, I think there would be very few differences in terms of how we should parent boys and girls. As I wrote in my post on the Bias Against Boys:
Are boys are girls really that different?
There are two camps when it comes to gender differences. There are those that insist that the differences between boys and girls are biologically hard-wired. And there are those that insist that the differences are learned. Lawrence Cohen, author of Playful Parenting, summarizes existing research on the subject by saying that while inborn differences do exist, they are quite small but they are then nurtured and exacerbated by the way we treat girls or boys. The small difference that does exist is that boys are slightly more likely to seek out power and girls slightly more likely to seek out connection. And then society takes over and reinforces these differences rather than minimizing them. Generally, despite being a girl, I think I have tended more to seek out power than connection. But becoming a mother changed that and I have become very nurturing with my kids. I believe that each human being has the capacity to be powerful and connected and I challenge parents to help their children, both boys and girls, become confident and caring individuals.
So boys and girls are not that different. But then enter society. From the colour of the nursery, to the choice of toys and activities, to the types of emotions that are considered acceptable, society treats boys and girls differently. I am not aware of any society or culture that treats girls and boys the same. So to answer the question, I think unless you live in the woods, cut off from society, and homeschool your children, you do need to parent boys and girls differently.
We need to teach our girls:
- That there is more to life than meeting your prince
- That big rigs, trains, dump trucks, and fire engines are pretty cool
- That boys are not dumb
- That no one is allowed to hit them ever
- That they can play hockey, box, and ski jump (even if the Olympics doesn't think so)
- That they can be political and business leaders
- That math, engineering, science and information technology are great careers
- To not let anyone tell them to cover up or strip down
- That their health issues are important, even if research and care for them is underfunded
- To say no
We need to teach our boys:
- That it is okay to cry and it is good to express your emotions
- That they can like pretty colours, flowers, sunsets, and cute furry animals
- That girls are not sissies
- That violence is not an acceptable way to resolve disputes
- That women and girls are people, not objects
- That they can be stay at home fathers
- That they can play with dolls
- That their health issues are important, even if society tells them that only the weak see a doctor when they are suffering
- To respect no
The lists could go on, I'm sure. So yes, I think we need to parent boys and girls differently to counteract the negative messages that society sends them. But more than that, I think we need to parent each child as an individual. We need to look at their personality, their strengths, their weaknesses, and the way that society impacts them, and then parent accordingly. We need to consider what will help each child to be happy and meet its potential as a human being.
Image credit: Jason Pratt on flickr
Reader Comments (103)
[...] Should we parent boys & girls differently? …From the colour of the nursery, to the choice of toys and activities, to the types of emotions that are considered acceptable, society treats boys and girls differently. I am not aware of any society or culture that treats girls and boys the same. So to answer the question, I think unless you live in the woods, cut off from society, and homeschool your children, you do need to parent boys and girls differently. [...]
[...] more gender-equal and especially gender-sensitive. And it starts with proper parenting, as how this article has stated [...]
Arwyn:
It has taken me a while to come back to your comment, but I did want to reply to say:
(1) I agree
(2) One of the advantages of having two children with different assigned genders is that they both hear the messages that we are sending about both genders (in addition to what society is telling them about both genders). Due to the make-up of our household and the fact that most conversations happen openly with all family members there, everyone hears all messages.
(3) I think the most important thing is keeping an open mind, open eyes and open ears when it comes to your child's gender, sexuality, and just about everything else in life. I think that is the best way to be in tune with how they identify themselves and also to pick up on what societal messages they are internalizing.
My parents tried to raise me in a very gender-neutral way, I think... and I got the message from my own mother that being a stay-at-home mom was a fallback position, not something desirable. (I remember hearing her say about a peer: "I don't know why she went to college; as soon as she graduated, she got married and stayed at home. She never used all that education!")
So you probably don't need to tell your daughter that it's okay to like pink, but you DO need to tell your daughter that stay-at-home mom is a valuable profession.
Anitra:
Were either of your parents stay-at-home parents? It sounds like neither of them were. I would never say something like that to my kids (i.e. "I don't know what he/she went to college...") since my husband is a stay-at-home dad. I value his contribution and I want my kids to value his contribution, so I would never say anything to belittle it. My kids will know that it is valuable for a parent to stay home. Since both my husband and I took turns doing so, I hope they won't ascribe it to either gender.
My mother mostly stayed at home, but not really by choice. The last time she had full-time work was when I was in kindergarten. She just wasn't the stay-at-home type, and I while I don't think she resented ME (there's a good chance she would have been at home even without kids), she definitely would have been happier working outside the home. But in any case, she definitely viewed SAHM as an undesirable profession.
It took me several years of marriage (and now parenthood) to realize just how valuable a stay-at-home parent is. It's still not my favorite thing to do, but I realize that it's only for a few years, and raising my child(ren) is not a job I want to leave to someone else.
[...] in Parenting asks Should we parent boys and girls differently? discussing the different lessons we need to teach our boys and girls so they can better tackle the [...]
[...] in Parenting asks Should we parent boys and girls differently?discussing the different lessons we need to teach our boys and girls so they can better tackle the [...]
[...] Read more in my post called "Should we parent boys and girls differently?" [...]
To respect no
I know this post is old, but I thought this needed to be elaborated upon. Two points.
There's more to respecting no than just sex. No is a word that men often face and often ignore because of the way they have been raised. No happens in sports, in business, in academics, in civil society, in criminal law... and in all these places, no seems to give men trouble. If they take no for an answer, they may as well roll over and die. It's horrifying. We must teach our sons to accept no in all circumstances. Sometimes we don't get what we want. Often we don't get what we want. That doesn't mean you didn't fight hard enough. That doesn't mean you aren't a man. It means no and nothing more.
There's more to respectful sex than "no means no." In fact, there's more to sex than "yes means yes." Men are not aggressive rapists waiting to happen who must be taught to accept "no" from a woman (or another man). In conjunction with learning that we don't always get what we want, we must teach our boys that their wants matter and their needs matter, and so do those of others. We must also teach our boys that they are not uncontrollable, and that they do in fact have more interests and more purpose than raging boners. Boys are wonderful, and they provide so much joy to the world. They deserve to be taught that no is a word they can say as well. This may be the hardest task of all.
Likewise, our boys deserve that we teach our daughters that sex is not a bobble for teasing or tool for manipulation or a prize offered to the highest bidder, but a way to communicate emotion and love and to experience pleasure shared between people.
I grew up in a typical middle class home and I played cops and robbers and cowboys and indians... sorry totally politically incorrect but lets move on... I was an outdoorsman from early on. I was exposed to girls toys (sisters), and had an older brother as well. I would occasionally play with girls stuff, but basicly I liked boys stuff. I hunt and I fish and I have a beautiful wife and daughter who I have an amazing relationship with and I am not an axe murderer or even a jerk. How we raise our kids should be with influence. It is the way we maintain a healthy functioning society. When Parents stop providing a moral and educational foundation society will break down and that is what has been happening here in the U.S. and across the globe. SO expose your kids to everything but influence them in the right choices to make!
[...] Regardless of whether the parents reveal the gender of a baby/small child, I think that there is work to be done in battling gender stereotypes. [...]
[...] Ph.D. in Parenting wrote a post about parenting boys and girls differently. [...]
I think it's interesting that your list of things to teach boys includes "That they can be stay at home fathers" but your list for girls does not include "That they can be stay at home mothers." A few generations ago, it was certainly the case that girls overwhelmingly got the message that they could not have a career, that the proper thing was to stay home and be a wife and mother, but today, girls are getting the message that if they want to be intellectually fulfilled, they had better have a career - that a stay-at-home mother is somehow less than a working woman. I can only speak from my own experience, but I can tell you that growing up, my parents and grandparents and teachers told me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up - a doctor, a lawyer, a professor, a businesswoman - but no one ever mentioned being "just" a mother as an option. As a result, even though motherhood is now incredibly important to me, and even though I would love to have the opportunity of being a stay-at-home mother, I can't shake the stigma. I feel like people will think I'm not intelligent or capable of doing anything intellectual if I don't have a career outside the home. I wish someone had explained to me that one of the many choices open to me in the post-feminist world - amongst being a doctor or a lawyer or a professor or a businesswoman - is being a full-time wife and mother.
Liz:
I agree with everything you have written here.
However, I didn't include it in my list because I don't consider it to be a gender thing. Women are not taught that they cannot be stay at home moms because taking care of kids is a "men's thing".
If a parent is going to stay home, it is still generally accepted that it will be the mother, whether that is for a brief maternity leave or forever.
This issue resonates so strongly with me, as a parent of two daughters, while most of my friends seem to have one daughter, one son. The amount of times on each playdate that I hear "He's such a boy!" or "She loved her pedicure - such a little lady!" or whatever is crazy, and this comes from educated and intelligent women. Last night at a get together of a bunch of parents, I was told by two different couples that their daughters are big drama queens when they fall down, but their sons are stoic, don't seem to care, maybe even like the pain and resulting bruises and besides aren't they just kinda like dumb guys who don't notice anyway? It drove my husband and I crazy. We parent our girls to not make big fusses over spills and tumbles, to be tough and stoic as appropriate, and indulge whatever interests they have, but I make sure to especially foster interests in traditionally "male" activities. And NEVER say "she's such a girl!" which has become one of those sayings that just grates. Thank you for another thought provoking piece!
In fact that year of leave in Canada is split: 15 weeks of maternity leave and 35 weeks of parental leave. I agree with you that in most cases it's the mother taking the bulk of the leave, but the system is set up in a way that fathers actually can't take the full year.
I learned a lot from Reviving Ophelia. It's an older book... it was a bit startling to realize that the girls she was researching were most likely my generation, within 5 years of my high school era.
I haven't read Real Boys, but since I have a boy I probably should.
I think having a mixed-gender household can help, but it doesn't solve all problems. I'm the oldest, and my sister is next. The first of my brothers is 4 years younger than I. My parents talked some gender issues, but I still had to wait until my brothers were old enough to be given Legos before I could play with them.
My son was quite fond of Winnie-the-Pooh as a toddler. It was frustrating to realize that most of the Pooh apparel in stores was geared to girls.
I'm an engineer too. My husband stayed home for 3 years, and works part-time now. We've fallen into a sort of Mr. Mom - Mrs. Dad relationship. I don't think it's perfect, but it's usually what works for our family.
This. I can remember several classmates who were raised to be "as good as boys," encouraged in science, athletics, etc.
I don't have a daughter, so DS hasn't had any dresses to dress up in. He has worn my shoes, but I can remember doing that as a kid.
But I have to admit, I shed a tear when we held a tea party one day. It just sort of happened, but he had fun for a good ~20 minutes or so.
Yes, part of that is for recovering from the birth. Birth mothers who give the baby up for adoption get that leave too. A father is entitled to the same amount of leave that an adoptive parent is. Here in Quebec it is:
18 weeks for the mother
+5 weeks for the father
+32 weeks for the parents (to be taken by the mother or the father)
OR
37 weeks for the adoptive parents
I think that it is important to tell our *children* that being a stay-at-home parent is a valid profession.
For reasons I'd rather not discuss, my husband's career has been very limited so far. When we knew DS was on the way, he was working in retail, while I am an engineer. It quickly became clear that if he continued working, his salary would all go to daycare. So he stayed home.
The plan was for him to stay home one year, and then we'd reevaluate. It worked reasonably well for 2.5 years. Then they both needed more structure in their lives. Dear Son started preschool and classes, Dear Husband found a flexible part-time job.
During that time, we moved. We only know about 1 other stay-at-home-dad in this area. Our local Moms groups emphasize "mother." They're okay with working moms, but not with at-home dads. It's frustrating.
I really strongly recommend the book Pink Brain, Blue Brain, which someone mentioned above. It's a very thoughtful, detailed analysis of the research on gender differences. The author debunks a lot of the generalizations and myths out there (girls are better at language, boys at math, etc.) but also unearths some intriguing differences (boy infants apparently cry more on average!) that I'd never heard. Really worthwhile reading, and not at all the sloppy science you often get on this topic.
The furor over the recent release of LEGO's "girl" line has reminded me of how deeply ingrained these stereotypical "differences" are, but for my money it's parenting itself that is a large part of the problem. The LEGO line is not an attempt to please the girls who don't otherwise like LEGO toys (lots of girls do, if given the chance); it is an attempt to get parents to actually buy them for girls when they wouldn't otherwise. I don't know very many parents who will opt for LEGOs for a girl, but plenty who will buy them for boys even if boys haven't yet shown much interest in them. The same goes for many toys that have come to be seen as "boys'" or "girls'." It may be that manufacturers have conditioned parents to the practice of stratified buying for their kids, or vice-versa--but either way, parents seem to have to make a special effort to even think about buying cars for girls or kitchen sets for boys, often because of the strong gender-associations put onto the product itself. If parents in general were willing to give their children broad options in toys and clothing, I would be willing to bet that the depth of gender stratification in children's products would soften (though probably not completely disappear).
I also recommend the book "The Truth About Girls and Boys: Challenging Toxic Stereotypes About Our Children" by Caryl Rivers and Rosalind C. Barnett.
I do totally agree with you. My mother never wanted me to wear pink stuff, long hair. Because she taught it was "too Disney". I had to wear all the neutral colors and short hair. And I am sure this was not the way to go. I am almost thirty and wear lots of pink nowadays...Because I am a woman and a girl, although my mother didn´t respect that.
Parents that work outside the home ARE raising their own kids. Yes, it's often a partnership with a child care provider. It bothers me that parents can't win -- I do think stay-at-home parents are often looked down upon (unfairly so), but working parents constantly get comments like this. :(
A friend was just telling me last night that her DD (almost 5) is suddenly very interested in LEGO, after seeing commercials for the "girl" LEGO. They already have LEGO at home that she has rarely used (it was her mom's, in fact!) She's always had the option to build with generic, primary-coloured blocks, but probably thanks to marketing, she wants the pretty, pink set.
I'm sorry, but especially at the really young ages... if my children are with a care provider 60 hours a week (out of 168 hours in the whole week, another 60ish of which we are sleeping)... I am not doing the majority of the work in raising them, as I see them (awake) for less time than the care provider does.
I know plenty of families where both parents work and their kids are in daycare. It can work out well, don't get me wrong. But they don't have nearly the day-to-day, hour-to-hour connection and influence that a stay-at-home parent does.
I also recommend Reviving Ophelia- it's an amazing book about teenage girls and the things that both bring them down and lift them up. I read it in college- I just randomly picked it up off a bookshelf because I have a thing for the character Ophelia (and love Hamlet in general), and as a still teen college student I learned a lot about myself from reading the book. It's a pretty commonly referenced book when talking about the psychology of teen girls.
Also, I love the way you worded this post, because it puts into words what I am always trying to tell EVERYONE about my kids. I have one boy and one girl and, on the surface, they are very sterotypical in their gender identities. My daughter is obsessed with pink, loves dolls, and is very nurturing while my son loves trucks, animals, and jumping off of things without looking first (and both of them, might I add, love these things despite my best efforts...). As others say, kids don't grow up in a vacuum, but I did my best to keep things in our home as neutral as possible. All of their toys were primary colors, and I tried to stay with the basics- wood blocks, stuffed animals, squishy cars, and other basic stuff. And while, as I said, my kids seem stereotypical, my daughter loves to play in the dirt, build with blocks, and is a genius in both math and art and my son loves to snuggle, take care of the dolls (so sweet!), and has the most amazing collection of stuffed animals, each of which he loves equally (and MUST sleep with...). So despite society and despite my mother in law constantly telling me "he's all boy" (puke) my kids are not defined by their gender roles.
My son wore pink and purple diapers... and not even because I had them from my daughter, because I didn't CD her. They were a great deal, so I bought them:) I honestly wish I knew how my parents "made" me, because things like that don't seem to bother me at all. I wouldn't hesitate to buy my son a pink tea set if I thought it was something he would enjoy (which he does... he absolutely LOVES playing tea party). But for both kids I tend towards what most would consider gender neutral colors- but mostly because I prefer them. And I bought him a doll for his first birthday. Very much like the post says, I don't parent this way because I think they're the same, I parent this way because I think that giving a boy a doll to care for helps to counteract the lessons that society teaches. And while I think that the roles parents play are more important than toys, it all plays into how we parent, and it's all important. I don't want my kids to ever think they can't do something because it's not appropriate for their gender, and toys and play activities are the first way many kids experience these limits.
Regarding the difference in nationality.
Being born in Soviet Russia where everybody worked (to build a bright future of communism duh) I knew very few SAHM and had very little respect for them. It was never an option: women were achievers, leaders, scientists. At school girls usually excelled way more often than boys, so I was surprised by "I'm too pretty to do math" t-shirts here in US.
Having given up a better share of the family income I am a SAHM now. Hopefully this soon changes as I'd be confused how to send a message to my daughter that a woman can contribute to society besides being a caregiver (though only now as a new mom do I get how much effort goes into it).
Here is an issue that I am not sure where my opinion lies. What is the big issue with physical violence between hitting women? The author says girls should be taught "That no one is allowed to hit them ever". I feel that there are two sides to this issue. What happens if a girlfriend decides to start smacking nd physically abusing her boyfriend. Should girls still be taught that no one can hit them? If so, then why aren't we teaching girls to avoid physical confrontation instead of just saying that no one can hit them? On the other hand, I do understand that men in relationships can be abusive sometimes. I just have an issue with this women being allowed to hit men but men can't protect themselves.
I believe this article is clearly biased towards women. I grew up in a house full of girls and this is the kind of stuff that makes men frustrated with women. I'll be happy to elaborate
I am curious about some of these topics as well. Why is it that only girls are to be taught to say no, whereas boys are taught to respect no? Are you implying that boys are incapable of controlling themselves, so teaching them to "say no" would be a moot point? This goes against teaching girls that boys are not stupid, when we are raising our boys like sex-crazed, mindless idiots. It just seems as though while you insist that we should parent our children without gender bias, you are still reinforcing typical sexist views, such as girls can hit boys, but not the other way around. Boys can have sex, but girls must say no.
Yes! I totally agree with you. I think that we should start holding our children, whether they be male or female, accountable to the same standards. Boys should be equally responsibility for sexual immorality, and girls should be equally responsible for being respectful in a relationship.
I think you missed the point, Kiky.
Society already sends a very gender biased message to our children. The intent of my list is to help parents to counteract and counterbalance the effect that society is having on their children. Girls don't have to say no. They should be free to enjoy sex if they want to. However, if they want to say no, they should feel empowered to do so. Boys are not stupid, but society does tell them that "she doesn't really mean no, she's just playing hard to get". We need to teach our boys that if she says no, she really does mean no.
If society had no gender bias, we could also raise our children with no thought to gender. Unfortunately, because of the very strong gender bias and gender roles in society, parents need to do what they can to break that down and counteract it.
I agree but not everthing
You are right, I may have missed your point to some extent, my apologies. I just feel that we should raise our boys not to have to worry about a girl playing "hard to get" in the first place, because both boys and girls should be expected to be virtuous, without seeking out sex at every turn. I was raised that there was more to life than finding a man, just as my brother was taught that there was more to life than getting laid. We both turned out to be respectful, virtuous, and respectful. I originally thought you were talking about the values we should be instilling in our children.
I don't get why people think they can really "brand their kids" as straight or brand them as "gay" by buying a certain toy. Who cares? You really think your child is going to stay that way forever? Just do what YOU feel comfortable with. Who gives a crap about gender roles anyway. I'm quite comfortable being a lazy housewife glorified by my body. Just kidding. But still, why make a big stink? It sounds like a first world issue. Kids grow up and discover themselves anyway. The list is null of valid point. Perhaps teaching both girls and boys SELF ESTEEM is the answer, and encouraging independent views and value of self, instead of force feeding them liberal poop.
Boys and girls are different. They
Should be raised different. Thank
God that they are for the benefit
AND PROTECTION of girls and women
AND society
Thank you, Annie, for such a great post. This really sums up what I think clothing should communicate to kids (instead of the incredibly polarized messaging that's currently communicated through kids' clothing).
We do need to parent boys and girls differently, both because each child is an individual, and to compensate for the different messages that boys and girls currently receive as they interact with the world.
I love this post, but I do want to say I would change one thing on each list. I would tell the girls to say no *if* they want to say no, but that it's also okay to say yes as long as they are safe about it. And I would tell the boys to respect no, but also feel free to *say* no. I think sexuality needs to be addressed in a realistic and positive way; not treating it as something dirty but also treating it with the importance it has. And it's important to realize that it isn't always the boy who presses for physicality in a relationship.
Of course we should parent boys and girls differently - we should parent EVERY child differently. Treat each child according to their needs. There is lots of research on this. Some boys don't need empathy training (like my older son) and some need LOTS (like my younger son). Generalizing children by gender can be difficult. Assessing children for their needs instead of thinking of them through their gender can be counter-active!
I spent years breaking down gender stereo types bringing up four young women. I'll admit I'm not really sure I'd do same with a young man. Regardless, each child or person, in his/her own right, is an individual with distinct personality and character--each develop their own style, values, goals, interests, joys, tastes, dislikes, language and expression. It would be prudent to study both of these gender lists identified here in this blog. Either way you prioritize, our children deserve to be unique in their own way, without reservation.
We need to understand and use the differential treatment of boys and girls to help both boys and girls have a better life. However you believe girls are treated to their injury, we are doing quite well. We have lower average stress; higher social vocabulary; lower muscle tension (for more ease of writing and motivation to write); and much more support from parents, teachers, peers, and society. We are taking over education and as we grow, are taking over the information age skills.
The belief boys should be strong, is creating higher average stress; lower social vocabulary (hurts reading/motivation to read); more activity for stress relief; and poor handwriting/motivation to write (higher muscle tension creates tighter grip on pencil/pen more pressure on pencil.
Also the belief boys should be strong along with the more and increased, aggressive treatment as early as one year, creates more social/emotional distance/distrust and lags in mental/emotional/social growth that also creates distance and lack of communication/trust of adults such as teachers. The belief boys should be strong also allows much more catharsis of stress upon Male children, thus the much more severe treatment of Males in lower socioeconomic areas with girls in the same environment receiving much more kind, caring, support, creating a much larger gap in academics over time.
Yes, we need to understand how differential treatment is creating large differences in academic and economic growth over time between boys and girls. Of course this means removing the horrible myth of genetics in ability and offering more tools of better treatment for all students.
Its all shit and nothing else girls are taught this only that u are girl and at new place so u have to be at home after 4 all bull shit women raise all sorts are nonsense and nothing else.its that parents in any interview etc and with respect to any such topic will only say big big dialogue she is our boy and all sorts of speech reality is this u are a girl u can be raped anywhere anyone can rape u. u should nt do this not do that .
Good post, I would have added that boys should be taught to say no as well! Also boys should be taught not to tolerate harm towards themselves and girls should be taught not to harm others. I think that when they're young parents can parent kids with less gender bias than by the time the kids hit teen years. when my kids become teens I'll have to treat them differently. It appears teen boys seem to do better with unmoving boundaries and rules (though girls do too, they do mature quicker) I think that would be my leaning, that said I always expect boys to misbehave at a certain age and that'll I'll have to stop them, my boy wasnt like that, he was a sweetie and almost never misbehaved except when nervous. each kid is different. My babies each require different treatment.
I can tell you that boys and girls ARE different. I have 1 boy and 3 girls, my girls will jump from planes and become president's, so will my son. Stop minimizing gender they're different... It makes a difference.
I feel that boys and girls should be treated equally, because we are all the same. We may have favorites, but we can all tolerate each other. And choosing sides can lead to ranking one gender higher than the other.