Tuesday
Nov302010
Non-sexist holiday shopping: Is it possible?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
A while ago, I shared the post Have Yourself a Very Sexist Holiday by Melissa from Pigtail Pals on my facebook page. One of my readers wrote to me after reading the post and asked for my experience buying gifts for my daughter and my thoughts or recommendations for gift shopping for girls. I am happy to write a post about it, but for me I think it is important not only to think about the toys that we buy for our girls, but also the toys we buy for our boys, so I'm writing it from both perspectives.
I find the worst offenders in extremely gendered toys are the big mainstream retailers (Toys R' Us, Wal Mart, etc.) and the manufacturers that tend to supply them. I like to find smaller, local toy stores or online toy stores that carry quality brands instead of Made in China plastic. Many of them are not perfect either, but I do find that on the whole they are a bit better than the big mainstream stores. In her post, Melissa mentioned One Step Ahead as a company with less gendered marketing than some of the big box stores (I love that they offer the option to "shop by personality" rather than shopping by gender).
That said, I know that not everyone can afford to shop in smaller boutiques. My suggestion if you are going to one of the big retailers is to go without your kids. You will need time to sift through the junk to find things that are both good quality and not sending messages that you don't want to send. Plus, you don't want your kids standing there with you absorbing all the backwards messaging and begging for things you have no intention of buying for them. Obviously, you'll want to go without them to purchase the gifts, but it may also be better to do your scouting alone if you can.
I don't think that holidays or birthdays are the time for me to be an activist and try to convince my kids to like something different from what they do like. So they do share their wish lists with us and we tend to buy things from their wish list. Sometimes they want things that make me cringe, but I don't want to take all their fun away and I don't see the harm in pretend play that follows gender specific trends, as long as it is counterbalanced with other messages over time. I figure I have another 363 days of the year where I can influence them. I can use that time to try to fight gender stereotypes and share my values with them and hope that they will make good choices in the future.
My daughter wanted a princess dress for her birthday, so we bought her one. I didn't choose a Disney princess dress though and opted instead for a non-branded princess dress that we bought in a local boutique. For Christmas, she wants a baby doll and she will get one, but instead of the plastic baby doll with pink clothing, pink bottle, pink stroller, and pink car seat, she will be getting a soft, cotton, baby doll that does have some pink on it, but that is not exploding with fuchsia. But obviously our kids aren't getting everything that they want, so there is some room among the things they have wished for to opt not to buy things that we think are sending the wrong message.
Some of the special gifts my kids have received have been things that were passed down rather than things that came out of a shiny box. Those gifts tend to be higher quality and less gendered than the stuff that is in stores these days. For example, my son's kitchen and my daughter's dollhouse, were both mine as a child and were made by my father and my grandfather. Our kids will also soon be inheriting a ton of Playmobil from my partner and his brother.
Also in terms of thinking outside the box, don't allow yourself to be duped by the gender descriptions or messaging. Both of my kids are getting nail polish in their stocking this year. They both love having their nails painted and they are each getting polish in their favourite colour. Yes, it is purple for my daughter and orange for my son, but I'm not going to allow myself to be stopped by the fact that the product description used the word "girl" in it.
There are plenty of gender neutral toys out there that are lots of fun for both boys and girls. Board games are huge favourites with our kids and were huge favourites of mine growing up too. Although there are some that are gender specific, I would say that it is easier to find gender neutral board games than it is to find other types of gender neutral toys. Or look for options where you can mix some gender-specific and gender-neutral toys together and see what the kids play with. Brands like Mega Blocks, Lego, Playmobil, and others will have both the "girl" and "boy" and neutral toys and we tend to buy a bit of each and mix them altogether. No reason why Dora and Thomas the Train can't hang out together, is there? Or why princesses and pirates can't go on a vacation together? There are also old favourites like wooden blocks, crayons and paper, puzzles and more that are often not gender-specific.
Buying gender neutral or even opposite gender toys is easier when the kids are really little and haven't yet expressed their own desires or been influenced by society. I think it is a great idea to buy baby boys dolls and buy baby girls cars. Cross the boundaries when they are little and teach them that they are welcome to explore different interest and different colours and different ideas and that they shouldn't feel constrained by their gender in doing so.
I don't feel like this is necessarily something we are experts at, since we do cater to the kids desires a great deal on special occasions and then work on gender issues the rest of the year. So while I would like the retailers to tone down the gender stereotypes, my strategy when it comes to buying gifts focuses more on the quality of the gift and whether I think my child will like it, than it does on the gender stereotypes. That said, I probably wouldn't buy something that I felt was overtly sending a detrimental message.
What about you, my readers? Do you have any additional tips for non-sexist holiday shopping?
Image credit: Axel Bührmann on flickr
Tip #1: Shop in non-mainstream stores
I find the worst offenders in extremely gendered toys are the big mainstream retailers (Toys R' Us, Wal Mart, etc.) and the manufacturers that tend to supply them. I like to find smaller, local toy stores or online toy stores that carry quality brands instead of Made in China plastic. Many of them are not perfect either, but I do find that on the whole they are a bit better than the big mainstream stores. In her post, Melissa mentioned One Step Ahead as a company with less gendered marketing than some of the big box stores (I love that they offer the option to "shop by personality" rather than shopping by gender).
That said, I know that not everyone can afford to shop in smaller boutiques. My suggestion if you are going to one of the big retailers is to go without your kids. You will need time to sift through the junk to find things that are both good quality and not sending messages that you don't want to send. Plus, you don't want your kids standing there with you absorbing all the backwards messaging and begging for things you have no intention of buying for them. Obviously, you'll want to go without them to purchase the gifts, but it may also be better to do your scouting alone if you can.
Tip #2: Buy what your kids like
I don't think that holidays or birthdays are the time for me to be an activist and try to convince my kids to like something different from what they do like. So they do share their wish lists with us and we tend to buy things from their wish list. Sometimes they want things that make me cringe, but I don't want to take all their fun away and I don't see the harm in pretend play that follows gender specific trends, as long as it is counterbalanced with other messages over time. I figure I have another 363 days of the year where I can influence them. I can use that time to try to fight gender stereotypes and share my values with them and hope that they will make good choices in the future.
My daughter wanted a princess dress for her birthday, so we bought her one. I didn't choose a Disney princess dress though and opted instead for a non-branded princess dress that we bought in a local boutique. For Christmas, she wants a baby doll and she will get one, but instead of the plastic baby doll with pink clothing, pink bottle, pink stroller, and pink car seat, she will be getting a soft, cotton, baby doll that does have some pink on it, but that is not exploding with fuchsia. But obviously our kids aren't getting everything that they want, so there is some room among the things they have wished for to opt not to buy things that we think are sending the wrong message.
Tip #3: Think Outside the Box
Some of the special gifts my kids have received have been things that were passed down rather than things that came out of a shiny box. Those gifts tend to be higher quality and less gendered than the stuff that is in stores these days. For example, my son's kitchen and my daughter's dollhouse, were both mine as a child and were made by my father and my grandfather. Our kids will also soon be inheriting a ton of Playmobil from my partner and his brother.
Also in terms of thinking outside the box, don't allow yourself to be duped by the gender descriptions or messaging. Both of my kids are getting nail polish in their stocking this year. They both love having their nails painted and they are each getting polish in their favourite colour. Yes, it is purple for my daughter and orange for my son, but I'm not going to allow myself to be stopped by the fact that the product description used the word "girl" in it.
Tip #4: Find gender neutral options that everyone likes
There are plenty of gender neutral toys out there that are lots of fun for both boys and girls. Board games are huge favourites with our kids and were huge favourites of mine growing up too. Although there are some that are gender specific, I would say that it is easier to find gender neutral board games than it is to find other types of gender neutral toys. Or look for options where you can mix some gender-specific and gender-neutral toys together and see what the kids play with. Brands like Mega Blocks, Lego, Playmobil, and others will have both the "girl" and "boy" and neutral toys and we tend to buy a bit of each and mix them altogether. No reason why Dora and Thomas the Train can't hang out together, is there? Or why princesses and pirates can't go on a vacation together? There are also old favourites like wooden blocks, crayons and paper, puzzles and more that are often not gender-specific.
Buying gender neutral or even opposite gender toys is easier when the kids are really little and haven't yet expressed their own desires or been influenced by society. I think it is a great idea to buy baby boys dolls and buy baby girls cars. Cross the boundaries when they are little and teach them that they are welcome to explore different interest and different colours and different ideas and that they shouldn't feel constrained by their gender in doing so.
Your tips?
I don't feel like this is necessarily something we are experts at, since we do cater to the kids desires a great deal on special occasions and then work on gender issues the rest of the year. So while I would like the retailers to tone down the gender stereotypes, my strategy when it comes to buying gifts focuses more on the quality of the gift and whether I think my child will like it, than it does on the gender stereotypes. That said, I probably wouldn't buy something that I felt was overtly sending a detrimental message.
What about you, my readers? Do you have any additional tips for non-sexist holiday shopping?
Image credit: Axel Bührmann on flickr
Reader Comments (49)
Over the years, we have made a point to buy gifts that a) the whole family can enjoy, ie. a board game, the Wii, musical instruments; b) something related to topics that are unisex, ie. a science kit or magic kit, and c) outdoor or sports equipment. My kids have their fair share of Lego, but we tend to shy away from boy-centric toys. (and hey, I played with Lego a TON as a kid, so I'm not saying that is a boy-centric toy.)
Having said that, my guys are on a real Nerf gun kick and have recently shown more than an interest in AirSoft and paintball guns. I'm not comfortable with these sorts of things, mostly because they can result in injury. (You'll shoot yer eye out, kid.)
My husband and I are looking for ways to discourage this newly found interest but it doesn't seem to be fading. We're going to have to sit them down at some point and tell them why we don't approve. OY.
I find that the more open-ended toys seem to be pretty gender neutral.. I have a 2 yr old daughter and a 7 month old son. I put a lot of thought into the types of toys we put in the playroom...items that will last for years instead of cheap plastic impulse buys. I do indulge every now and then and will buy my daughter "girly" toys (dolls, etc) but we try hard to buy things that both kids can play with (blocks, puppet theaters, farm play, yoyos, jump ropes, spinning tops, marble runs, castle toys where they can be knights or a princess lol/).
Rachel C:
Your comment just reminded me of something I meant to mention in the post. I think another problem with a lot of the mainstream gendered toys is that they do not promote creativity and exploration. Instead, they push kids into a specific version of a specific activity. I agree that open-ended toys that are versatile and that allow them to use their imaginations are a better choice.
My tip? Don't watch TV. And I don't just mean this in the avoid screen time way. I also mean it in the use DVDs or TiVo without commercials or whatever works for you way.
Other than that, I don't really sweat it. I buy the kids what they like.
My daughter loves pink and fairies--but she also loves puzzles and craft supplies and music.
My son loves trucks--but he also loves his dolls.
I don't really have a problem with my shopping--it is the spiriting away inappropriate presents that others purchase. I've been fairly successful with that so far...but as they get older, they are going to realize that specific toys they opened disappeared. I've tried getting others on board but...no luck.
I'm even willing to accept a little bit of plastic / mainstream / whatever...but their are overly sexualized toys for little girls especially that I just cannot stand (have you SEEN what they did to My Little Pony?).
Now, if I could only do something about the sheer quantity of it, too. That would be helpful.
I will be getting my infant twins sons baby dolls for Christmas this year. They have to be able to practice how to be a nurturing, loving daddy, right? Also, there is one particular book that I have given every little girl in my life to combat the assumption that princesses exist to look pretty and get married: The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch. In it, the princess Elizabeth is all set to marry the prince Ronald. Then, a dragon comes and ruins everything. Luckily for Elizabeth, she gets to see the real Ronald, and ends up skipping off into the sunset... by herself! I love the message in the book, and it's one I think all princess-obsessed little girls need to hear.
Hi Annie -
I love this follow up post and the tips for parents, especially to "think outside the box". I feel a lot of parents operate with eyes wide shut, and don't question what the marketers are aiming at our kids.
My toy post received so many comments from parents leaving websites and companies they liked that follow along with the advice you gave in this post. I've looked at all of these websites and there are excellent, nonsexualized, mainly gender neutral options for all ages. http://blog.pigtailpals.com/2010/11/toy-shopping-tips/
Also, to add to this is a new favorite I just found: Spangler Science. You can shop by age or price....and there is no option for shopping for "Boy or Girl". They are also fun to talk to on twitter! If any of your readers have kiddos who are into any kind of science, you have to check out their site: http://www.stevespanglerscience.com/
Happy Holidays to everyone!
I've got two boys, so nobody's asking for princess dresses :) I got my sons dolls as babies, now they are much more about having stuffed animal dodgeball fights. I do try to buy games and other activities that, like Karen said, we can play together and that are also pretty gender neutral (although is Diary of a Wimpy Kid Scrabble for boys? :) I pretty much buy my kids any art stuff that ask for, since it's rare and they'd rather be playing soccer. I also got cookie cutters and decorating stuff for my son...my husband doesn't really cook and he's shown some interest... I'm trying to get them to understand that cooking is not just for girls, despite what it looks like. Grandpa does cook, but he doesn't force them to help.
When my daughter was 2 she went to visit with the Santa at the mall, when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she said a train set. Santa looked stunned and suggested she might like a Barbie instead. I had to have a little talk with Santa and he must have listened because she got a train set.
We got my son a sling this year too! His stuffed animals will go in it I hope. :-) He loves his pink & white stroller that we got at a garage sale, but he refuses to let his animals ride in it, haha.
I bought my son a golf set this year for Christmas because he has one at his grandmother's house, and he really seems to enjoy it. I shopped for it on amazon because toys'r'us didn't have the one I wanted. While I was there I noticed amazon also has a girls version in pink and purple. It is also about $5 more expensive. I thought it was insane to pay extra for pink. And if I had a little girl, she'd get the boys version no matter what.
I also had a conversation my other mother-in-law about what to buy my son for Christmas. And I mentioned that he likes to play with other kids' play kitchens. And she said "that sounds gay". I didn't start an argument there about men in the kitchens (lots of passive aggressiveness between both of us) but I really now want to buy the biggest, pinkest, girlyest plastic kitchen evar. And most "tv" cooks are MEN!!! Arghhhhhh.
So thanks for the post. I really should forward it to my very conventional mother-in-law.
I'm amazed when I go to TRU at the extent of the "genderization". Heck, even the baby bathtubs come in pink or blue (or green, in case the annoying mother-to-be decides she doesn't want to know the sex, I guess). I'm pretty convinced there's something other than the manufacturers wanting to pigeonhole our kids - it's also a ploy so that if you then have a child of the opposite sex, you have to buy new stuff. Because a little boy couldn't possibly use a pink bathtub, could he? Or a pink Little People castle....
I've tried to maintain a balance. We didn't buy my daughter a lot of gender-specific toys when she was younger because I knew that others would (oh, and they did). Now, she's "into" Polly Pockets, and dinosaurs. She plays with her doll's house and her rubber snakes. So far, so good.
I can see it's probably even tougher with boys though. We've had people comment when my infant son wears a pink diaper. And say "oh no, how is he going to play with a pink Little People castle". Well, he does. It's a colour, people.
We love the cooking and kitchen toys at Ikea. They are made from real materials (ceramic, aluminum) and are totally realistic and gender neutral (except for the tea set, which is a bit "girly"). We bought our son a few of the sets and he loved "cooking" up meals for us. It helps that dad does the cooking in our family, but any kid wants to play pretend with realistic house toys. We bought some of these sets for his preschool friends, both male and female and the feedback from parents was great!
Loving the One Step Ahead site. Thanks for linking. We have 2 girls and have so far lost the battle of pink. I am ok with the barbies and other dolls we have because they play creatively with them. They make up a story and play for hours, usually based on a book we've read. My challenge this year is to focus on toys that don't come with little parts. Toys they will like but that won't end up in the vacuum bag 3 days after Christmas.
I agree- I think quite a bit of the 'pink and blue' on bikes, trikes, Fisher PRice telephones, bathtubs, potties, strollers is a ploy to double up on what is sold- buy a pink stroller for baby 1 and baby 2 is a boy? Better go get a new stroller. Geesh.
Thanks for the great post and tips. I agree on the stick to the buying what they like philosophy but it I also find it hard when buying for nieces, nephews and friends where I don't know the kids very well. I am trying this year to stick to thinking and doing toys so everyone may be getting art supplies from our household!
This is such an important topic. When I mentioned teaching my son to cook in the future, I actually had a coworker say "Oh, don't make him gay!" I was FLOORED. Sometimes, in real life, I forget I'm not online, in the company of many like-minded friends.
I will be ordering him a kitchen set and a tea set this year, and I know I will get some flack for it. And those aren't even really "girl" toys, are they? I consider them pretty much gender neutral, and I still have to defend my decisions. (What I mean is, I defended them until I woke up and decided I didn't need to...)
Annie - this is a wonderful post. So many great suggestions - both from you and your commenters. I would just like make a point about what you wrote about the small boutique toy stores. They may be ever so slightly more expensive than WalMart, but let's take a moment to consider what we're buying here. Smaller stores often carry better quality goods. This is where they have a big edge over WalMart (a.k.a. purveyor of cheapie plastic *disposable* toys from China). I go to my local toys store to find non-mainstream kinds of toys that I wouldn't find in a big box store. It's a good idea to shop without your kids, and also to remember that less is more. I think most kids would be just as happy with two really good quality toys over four crappy ones.
Also, the small store owners are fully aware that they're competing with big box stores so they try to stay competitive.
It is always worth buying local, and I strongly urge your readers to do so!
We are HUGE fans of art/craft supplies. In fact, when asked what my 22 month old daughter needs for Christmas, my second comment is that she loves to draw, so anything to support that would be well-loved (the first comment is that she doesn't need anything for Christmas and we're just looking forward to seeing whoever has made the request).
In full disclosure, though, I have to admit that her "big" present from her father and I this year is a (non-branded, small, wooden) dollhouse (hangs head in shame at blatantly gendered purchase--aptly pointed out by her father, who will be picking up a set of Duplo Blocks for her birthday the following month). I look at the house as similar to the hand-me-down Little People Barn which she adores. We also got her a child-sized broom, which I fear may be the lamest gift ever, but she loves to get the full-sized broom and "clean up."
andrea:
I completely agree and I do try to shop in the smaller stores and buy higher quality goods. I am, however, also cognizant that the choices I can make may not always be in reach of other parents all of the time. I would highly recommend reading the post that I linked to in that section of my post: http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2010/11/black-friday-small-business-saturday-and-the-discomfit-of-classism/.
I have been thinking this a lot. My youngest boy really wants a toy kitchen for christmas and as I am shopping around for the best price, I must say that it irritates me beyond belief that they are always in the "girls" section. I know that cooking is domestic labour but when we consider that all children like to pretend why is this a girls toy and furthermore why does domestic labour always equal female? The more I look the more irritated I become.
Renee:
I have seen a lot of gender neutral kitchens, but they tend to be from the more expensive brands. That is extremely frustrating to me too -- why should only those people who can afford a natural wood kitchen be able to buy toys for their kids that don't reinforce gender stereotypes?
Now, I may be biased, but I have always thought PUZZLES were a wonderful gender-transcending gift. :)
I've found buying online removes that barrier of "boys aisle" and "girls aisle" (which, my daughter always refers to as the BORING AISLE in the toy stores). Its more about browsing by interest and/or age.
Also, we do a lot of catalog browsing - particularly educational supply catalogs which tend not to have any gender divide - gives us lots of ideas (which I then search for the best prices online).
Building blocks (of all kinds - wood, legos, magformers are a HUGE hit in our house), art & craft supplies, science toys, musical instruments & books are where I tend to lean for gifts. Neither of my children ever really cared for dolls/action figure pretend play (yes, I think I passed my "gift" of literalism onto my children), so maybe that's made it easy for me - coupled with not watching television - they've never asked for the cartoon/movie-based items.
Really though, you can't go wrong with a puzzle, a building toy, and a magnifying glass. Done.
We trash-picked our play kitchen & the kids decorated it with stickers & drawings depicting the name of their "restaurant". :)
I haven't read through all the responses, so sorry for duplicates. I apply this kind of buying for birthdays for classmates of my kids as well.
For either gender, I buy a lot of games, especially if I don't know the child well. I like to put together art kits (I buy individual items from craft stores or dollar stores and put in a basket). A big hit for both girls and boys has been the science kits (available at local museum/gallery gift shops or Michaels, etc). I also find boys and girls like the mini-scrapbooking kits, although it can be difficult to find more gender-neutral ones. Recently I found a "build your own story book kit" at Michaels... again a little gender heavy, but still, the child can create whatever story s/he wants. A cheaper alternative are the sticker books in stores like Chapters/Indigo around themes (like Hallowe'en etc) which have scenes. The child applies stickers and then tells the story.
Looking forward to reading the other suggestions above.
I was just going to comment that Ikea has a lot of gender neutral, but delightfully affordable, children's toys. In their hard-copy catalogue spread featuring some of their toys, they show a boy playing with the kitchen set they sell, and a girl playing with the train set. My admiration for Swedish parenting attitudes continues to grow! (I'm also a very big fan of their incredibly relaxed, pro-nature, experiential approach to education.)
I have a 17-month old and we try to buy him toys that foster his imagination. He has a lot of blocks and he loves playing with toy veggies. He has some soft fabric dolls. We also buy a lot of books, he loves reading books with us and he has a preference for Sandra Boynton's hippo stories. I remember getting a lot of boardgames as a kid and my mom buying me and my sisters toy cars as well because she thought girls could play with them as well as with dolls... The only issue we really have for Christmas is that family does not always respect our wish for them to buy toys that will last and toys that are not exclusively made in China from plastic ! I agree that a lot of toys are not only gender-specific but also don't leave much room for imagination. At home we like to play around with carboard boxes and puppets and make stories up for our kid, he loves it! I'm just worried that this will eventually wear off as he grows older and is more influenced by his little friends. Hopefully what we try to model will not be lost to him.
I think it's terrible that people should still think that way! And you certainly should not have to defend your decisions!
My husband was actually the one to tell me that we should teach our son to cook as soon as possible. He feels like he couldn't really cook good food for himself when he was in university and always regrets that his mom did not teach him that kind of skill (ironing his own clothes is another one...) Kids love to cook too and cooking is fun. Some people tend to forget that a lot of great chefs are actually male ;-)
My 2-year-old son is obsessed with all things transportation, so all he ever asks for are trucks and cars. However, his big gifts this Christmas are the Step2 Roller Coaster, an art easel with art supplies, and a play rug with a city on it (which he can drive his trucks and cars on). I asked my relatives to please try to think outside the trucks and cars box as well, and my sister bought him a puppet theater and one of his gifts from my parents is a dollhouse. My mother in law got him a toy laptop. I'm sure he will also receive plenty of trucks, but at least there is some balance. Now if I can only find the time to go through the mountains of toys he already owns and donate a bunch of stuff to make way for all the new stuff!
The biggest problem I have is not with girls wishing for pink baby dolls and princess dresses while boys wish for black trucks and spy gear. It's with the rampant "genderization" of what are *traditionally* "unisex" toys, like blocks and balls and xylophones. Why does a set of inexpensive blocks have to come in your choice of red and blue (with a picture of boys on the package) or pink and turquoise (with a picture of girls)?! Sure, you could spring for the much pricier unpainted wooden ones, but why is it so hard to find a cheaper, more colorful set that includes BOTH "boy" and "girl" colors? Even science and craft kits! You can get "spa science" for your girl, or "space slime" for your boy...and the way they are packaged makes it crystal clear which is for whom. (Again, this is particularly true of the less expensive ones you find at the chain craft-supply stores and toy stores; less so of museum-store and educational-supply products.)
Even worse is when companies take something unisex and make a "girl version" -- resulting in the implication that the "regular" version is for boys only! Marginalization, much? Plus, all too often the pink-and-glitter version is dumber than the regular one (remember the "Careers for Girls" board game?) or in some way not as good a value (ever notice that the "Belville" Lego sets contain fewer open-ended building elements than similarly-priced "regular" Lego sets? not to mention the relative paucity of selection).
Anyway, if you're shopping in the big chains, for price or convenience reasons, here are my tips for avoiding the black aisle/pink aisle dichotomy, particularly if your kids are with you: If your kids are young enough, look for the primary color aisle (preschool toys); and if they're old enough, consider the tween-oriented electronic gadgetry aisle (often predominantly white, sometimes with purple or other bright candy colors). In Toys R Us, concentrate on the "Imaginarium" section (building toys, train sets, books, Play-Doh). In Target, visit the art/craft supplies section (which is near the office supplies and party supplies, not near the toy department) and perhaps the sporting goods, then go down the "Play Wonder" aisle (Schleich figures, pretend kitchen/market/workshop stuff, science kits) to the rear of the department where they keep the board/party games and jigsaw puzzles. Consider going to Borders or Barnes & Noble, both of which have a decent selection of games and toys as well as books, and although much of it is gendered stuff, there's usually not so much physical division between the "boy" and "girl" shelves. Likewise the craft supply places like Michael's. And yes, IKEA is a great source for gender-neutral toys, although the selection is limited.
Consignment stores that handle toys and sporting goods are a great place to go, too, if you're fortunate enough to have one nearby. Also school-fundraiser type craft fairs, and if you have time to allow for shipping, etsy -- there's a wide range, so some things are very expensive (justifiably so), but it's often possible to buy wonderful handmade toys for very low prices from a craftsperson who has no overhead!
Skip the toy aisle. My oldest son is very into cooking and baking. Instead of buying him baking kits that are covered in pink and purple with "girl" in their titles we're heading for the baking aisle at the store and picking him up presents there. Not only will they be more durable but they're not gender specific. He also loves cook books so he will be getting at least one of those.
We made ours out of a discarded day care toy stove- paint, glue and cleverness made it the star of last year's Christmas.
I do a lot of shopping on Etsy, at craft fairs, and at online shops like Nova Natural. The toys are not branded, not made of plastic, and tend to be grouped by category rather than gender. I like that.
Beyond that, my kids themselves tend to have very gender stereotypical preferences. Sometimes they want gender neutral toys, like musical instruments or games, but my son is really into trucks and my daughter is really into princesses. I don't sweat it too much, partly because I have one kid of each gender. Our playroom ends up having EVERYTHING in it, and they both play with each others' toys often. So even if the princess dress has my daughter's name on it and the digger has my son's name on it, it all balances out.
Thanks for the great post. It reminds me of when the grandparents brought my not-even-2-year-old daughter a My Little Pony. Their reason? She and her older brother love their collection of Schleich animals, and it's "just a pony." But it's not just a pony, because no pony in nature is hot pink and no other toy she's received has come with its own brush.
There are so many issues here: stereotyping of gender-neutral toys (pink tricycles? why?); the oversexualzation/masculization of young children's toys; and the closing of children's creativity with do-it-all-for-me toys. All just angry up my blood, to paraphrase Abe Simpson. Argh!
My two oldest are so close in age that they've been playing with one another's toys from the start. The boy is as likely to be a the kitchen as the girl is with our toy cars.
I do think it helps if the kiddos don't know of the world of pink/plastic/light-up/battery toys. A few commenters pointed out not watching commercials and you mentioned not going to the stores. They can't ask for something they don't know exist! And if you've managed their exposure to the world, a pretty princess dress-up seems less difficult to swallow than a request for Cinderella.
I believe my biggest issue with the toy buying isn't so much that the kids want to dress up like Cinderella, but a profit-driven corporation put this notion in their heads. It makes me sad when my train-loving son sees something "Thomas" the toy's brand takes precedence over the fact that it's a toy. Little children are too easy prey for advertising and branding.
This is a timely post - today I was shopping at Target, getting some basic home supplies, when I swung by the toy section to pick up something for Toys for Tots...I had not been in this kind of toy section since I was a kid, and had certainly never brought my 13mo old through anything like it...the look on her face was unreal. It was a mix of being a little nervous of the big toys and mesmerized by all the other toys. I was about to have a nervous breakdown at the sheer VOLUME of toys and my goodness, the gender-specific aisles were just. too. much. I grabbed a gender-neutral popping block toy and booked it out of there. I'm not sure when we'll be going back to anything like that - I try not to do any big shopping with my little one (I prefer to do it online) since I feel like it's a waste of time and do we really need it (the answer is often "no"). As for toys, I'm more of the mind to: (1) Make it - I like crafts and have made a couple of shakers and other toys for my little one (2) Recycle it - toilet paper tubes, empty food containers, or even better, pie tins = loads of fun (3) Thrift it - the best toys we have right now are the vintage Fisher Price toys, we have the farm, the school house and the parking garage - very open-ended and gender neutral. We are similar - our Xmas list for our little one includes plain wooden blocks and legos. She got trucks for her birthday and will be getting a customized doll (from etsy - love!!) for Xmas as well. Even when we repainted her room, we made sure to choose a gender-neutral color (greyish-blue). I like the idea of shopping in catalogs too - I remember doing that as a kid and having such a fun time!
LOVE your ideas! My kids have outgrown the "toy" phase for the most part but still LOVE board games. Loved playing Life with them when they were a little younger and my youngest would always be a blue character and when the game told him to
get married" he always chose a blue peg to put in his car. Why? He liked the blue pegs more than the pink ones. Me too!!
This is such a circular argument (an internal one, that is). I am very anti-assigning-gender-roles-to-small-children (and my next blog post is actually about this topic- not toys, just gender in general). But it is HARD. My husband generally doesn't have strong opinions on things like this- he is generally easy going and defers to me on these things. But when he found out I bought a son a doll for his first birthday I thought his head was going to explode. It was a soft cloth doll with taupe colored clothing- absolutely nothing girly about it. And specific to his personality I bought it for him because I felt it would help him learn to be more gentle. An I paint his fingernails as well, because I paint sister's and if he asks I am not going to tell him "no, boys don't do that." The problems that I run into in this area are: 1) family. They buy the most ridiculously stereotypically gender specific (and junky battery operated specific use toys) junk. But of course my kids are always like "this is awesome I love this" (for the first week, when the offending relative is around to witness...) and I am not going to get rid of something they like to prove a point (of course in a few weeks they are ALWAYS back to playing with the open ended toys- blocks, trains, cars, animals, dress up, etc). Then 2) my daughter is at "that age" where she has started to subscribe to gender roles and is in love with princesses and pink. I have no problem with those things, but the quality of the toys that she thinks she wants is appalling. And I don't do characters. And 3) the quality of toys specifically targeted at girls in mainstream stores, I feel, is generally better than those aimed at boys. At least from what I've seen. I have had the HARDEST time shopping for my 2 year old son this Christmas. We already have a ridiculous amount of everything he could possibly need because I bought it already for his sister(dress up/roll play, blocks, cars, trains, etc). My daughter I have an easier time with because as she "ages into" things (like puzzles, more "challenging" art supplies, logic based activities, etc) I buy them. But I go to the store to look for ideas for him and I want to bang my head against the wall.
I've also realized that I need to return some presents that I've already bought (or maybe I'll take them to Toys for Tots...). They are things that were NOT specific requests of my daughter's, and go against what I believe so far as toys are concerned. I have lapses sometimes.
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For my son's 2nd birthday, I bought him a kitchen set from Target. It's blue and white, wood and wood-like materials. I haven't seen the same one in the past 2 years, though I've seen similar models in pink and in reds/whites. Anyway, he LOVED it (still uses it at 4.5), and I've never gotten any flack for buying him a "girl" toy. I also have a daughter, and the 3 of us occasionally will bake together because they both love seeing how it comes together. I think there is no harm in providing life skill toys to all kids.
Annie -- I am a lurker here on your site, you know, those people you're so eager to hear from, and was inspired to comment. For your research purposes, I love your blog and have recommended it to countless mothers, mothers of mothers, fathers, and non-parents alike. I don't comment because I don't typically feel like I have anything new to add (and have a distaste for preaching to the choir, as well as a short attention span for the internet in general) but feel comforted by the support and reinforcement you offer to likeminded people. So, thanks and carry on!!
To the subject at hand... I have a 2-year-old son and on the occasion of his last birthday, a friend recommended that my husband and I get him a gift of swimming lessons, or some other type of activity that might not be in our daily budget but that we value strongly enough to include in his and our lives. I thought this was the perfect gift for a number of reasons. I don't believe in the necessity of giving material goods as gifts. How we celebrate and commemorate holidays is a ritual that is formed in the early days of a family's life together and, for my part, I do not want holidays to be focused on materialism. I want to be able to enjoy something special with my son instead of handing something over to him that he may or may not enjoy for any length of time that would make the expense of the gift worth my efforts. Finally, he's 2!! He has no expectation that he should get something on his birthday or christmas. What he understands is that holidays are special and we pay special attention to our family on those days. No matter how or what you celebrate, that is most important.
I also believe that a lot of gift giving, and receiving, is about the spirit with which these things are taken. If we don't pay heed, or assign meaning, to things that are gendered and plastic, our children will not pay as much attention to them. I realize that our children receiving messages from the outside world that we do not wish them to, but sometimes gift giving is more about human relationships than the specific gifts given. If someone gives my son a baby jesus in a football jersey, I'll smile and say thank you because it's more important to me to model kindness than to make gift giving into a political statement.
You have a very great idea about non-material gifts. Our daughter's birthday falls right after Christmas and we are thinking this year of skiing lessons or skating lessons or something similar. Another idea we had was to have an outing with her (without her younger brother) where she can choose what she wants to do and that way she can have our undivided attention.
I like all your tips. It is aligned with our household philosophy. My husband and I have agreed that we would rather spend money on experience rather than things. This means we have a membership to the zoo, the museum, the art gallery, and the science centre. We would also much rather spend money on trips rather than toys. Sure, our son has A LOT of toys, but much of it has been given to him as gifts, either for special occasions or as hand-me-downs.
And thank you for suggesting "buy what your kids like." My son's obsession with machines and engines is NOT from my nurturing. Now, he's moving on to dinosaurs. We buy him trains and trucks because that's what he likes. Frankly, I like to think trucks, dolls, animals, and dinosaurs are gender-neutral but the ingenuity of marketers are amazing. It is appalling how toys out there are segregated early -- the "girly" ones are the pink ones, of course.
And don't get me started on Mighty Machines. My son loves watching those shows so we take the time to talk to him about stereotypes. I have noticed the accents have a definite class hierarchy in those DVDs -- Caribbean or French-Canadian accents for the lowly machines that move piles of dirt around, Italian for the cement mixer, British for the big machines that do the ceremonial laying of roads (mostly men's voices, by the way), etc. etc. It really is quite appalling. Another topic for a future post?
Step 2 makes some decent, relatively inexpensive, gender neutral toy kitchens. My boys have one. They are quite durable so you may be able to find one on Craigslist or equivalent.
I love your suggestions, and more importantly that you pointed out that it's also important to think about the gender considerations when buying gifts for boys (I have two).
We are big on books as gifts in our family. I have thus far stayed away from Disney-type books or even traditional fairy tales. We love funny story books and science and animal non-fiction books.
It's important to note that though you can somewhat control what your children have around them, you can really only choose the toys your children actually play with when they are infants.
My husband and I are anti-gun and the boys turned the pretend drills and the kitchen's wooden spoon into imaginary guns with their friends this weekend. At a birthday party this weekend, the play kitchen was on the opposite side of the room from the vehicle-type toys. The room was completely split by gender and the parents all noted it.
Now that I have a son and a daughter I am finding myself both wooed by the sparkles ( pink does nothing for me but I am a sucker for glitter) and repulsed by the "pink" marketing. Have you seen the pink little people school bus? WHY???!!!
My daughter is only 5 months old but we are already trying to make a conscious effort to focus on toys that spark imagination, promote play and respond to her desires. The same way we do with her 4 year old brother.
Our house is full of musical instruments, building toys, dress up ( some very sparkly pieces) and more books than anything. We are passing down all his toys just like we passed down many of his clothes to her. I think as long as you listen to your kids interests , and put learning and play as the goal you will end up with a good balance.
When one of my kids (I think my oldest daughter) got a toy broom, it was sort of like an add-on, just for the heck of it gift. And it is one of the most popular toys at our house, for both genders. PS It's not always used for sweeping. :)
[...] Non-sexist holiday shopping: Is it possible? How to avoid the gender-pegging of today’s toy industry when shopping for your little ones. [...]
These are very good tips! I would suggest an additional one (because I'm a bit of a DIY-ist): Customize things! If your kid wants a princess dress, make one from scratch and let her (him?) watch and learn and maybe participate with some of the smaller parts - that way it's going to be unique, it's going to be exactly as wanted, they will have had a part in creating it (which is very empowering ;), and the desired color might just not be screaming pink, but any other color from your fabric stash. Same for (fabric) dolls, doll houses (I've always dreamt of building a fancy doll house with electric lighting and running water - maybe I will when I have kids), or of course toy trucks, castles (my boyfriend still has a fantastic castle made from clay that his father built for him), any sort of dress-up costume... I realize this requires having the time to DIY things, but if you do, it is also quality time well spent with your kids.
Cheers,
poet
My son has asked for Candyland, and I had the hardest time finding it until I thought to walk down the pink isle at walmart. It wasn't with the other board games. Apparently it's a "girl" thing but what kid doesn't like the idea of a land made of candy?
[...] are traditionally left out of. So, I erred on the side of leveling the playing field. Finally, this post offers some good tips for creating a non-sexist holiday shopping list for [...]