Sunday
Sep062009
Pink, feminism and gender cues
Sunday, September 6, 2009 
When helping my children to make choices, I find myself motivated by several things. Things that often tug my reasoning in wildly different directions. Things that may make me say one thing, when I wish I'd said another. Things that make me mad at society for being so petty, so cruel, so stupid.- I want my children to learn to make good decisions themselves
- I don't want their decisions to be guided or constrained by predefined ideas about gender (or other things, but gender is the most important to this post)
- I don't want them to make decisions that will result in them being made fun of or bullied
- I want them to express themselves freely
The conflict in those goals often manifests itself in the colour pink and its friends: pink flowers, pink hearts, pink teddy bears, and the like.
Both of my kids like pink.
If she always got to choose her own clothes my daughter would generally look like something that exploded out of a cotton candy machine and then rolled in pink sparkles. Purple is okay too, but the girlier it is, the better. When she wants to pick out the latest sparkly pink Dora sneakers at the store or buy a head to toe pink outfit, I find myself wanting to encourage her to make her own decisions and express herself. But at the same time I want to scream "but you don't have to wear pink sparkly stuff just because you are a girl!". We have held onto some of her brother's clothes for her to wear and she does, but she shows a clear preference for the girly stuff.
My son likes pink too. I think society has already gotten to him because he knows the difference between boys clothes and girls clothes. We do buy him pink shirts when they are available in the boys section (e.g. pink polo shirt from Old Navy), but I have found myself wanting to curb his interest in girl stuff in the past out of a fear of him being made fun of. I remember him wanting pink rubber boots at one point and gently guiding him towards the really nice blue ones that he eventually chose. Yesterday he was wearing his sister's pink flowery hat in the car when we were on the way to the park and if he had wanted to wear it to the park (where we didn't know anyone) I would have let him. But if he had wanted to wear it to school, I probably would have tried to convince him not to. Because it could permanently change how he is seen and treated by his peers.
The clothes they wear, the length of their hair, the toys that they play with are all strong gender cues. "Appropriate" gender cues hold people girls back. "Appropriate" gender cues help people boys be accepted. Yes. I think that is in a nutshell what society has taught me and why I am motivated to guide my children's decisions on their external appearance in ways I am not entirely comfortable with. But on the inside, I feel less conflict. I have no issues trying to raise my daughter to be self-assured and confident, while wanting to teach my son to be sensitive and caring.
I want my children to be themselves. I want my children to fit in. I want my children to reject preconceived gender cues. And all of those things tug at me when we're in a store looking at something pink.
And yes, in admitting this, I feel like I suck at being a feminist. I thought I'd better say it myself before everyone else says it for me.
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Image credit: Zoe Favole on flickr
Reader Comments (97)
I have a 19 month old son and he's very much shown himself to be very traditionally BOYish, as in he's obsessed with cars, trucks, and basically anything with wheels. But I also recently bought him a pink (only color available) toy stroller b/c he so loved playing with them at friends' houses, and he also likes putting on my (high heeled) shoes to walk around the house, and also parade around with my purse slung onto his shoulder. I have no problem whatsoever with these things, and want to raise him without all the rigid gender roles... but it's already so apparent to see how deeply they are ingrained in me, how I automatically go to the blue colors for his clothes, etc, and worry about things looking "too girly." I haven't thought at all about what this will be like when he's a little older, when people will be more judgmental (and he'll be old enough to notice). I want to allow him to be and like whatever he wants, but everyone else can sure rain on that parade, can't they?
Interestingly, I've also recently started following a mom on Twitter whose son (I think about 5 or 6 yrs old) is now identifying as a girl, has always claimed to feel more like a girl, and the parents seem fine with the switch... but have to watch everyone else NOT be. =(
I think this is so much more complicated for boys - my daughter hates dolls (actually she finds them kind of scary) and loves trucks and cars and trains. She's only 17 months but she is already making her opinions well known. But somehow, this preference doesn't seem to be as controversial as a boy who likes to play with dolls. Besides - she doesn't have a lot of hair almost everyone thinks she's a boy anyway. I used to dress my brother up in girls clothes and braid his hair and it didn't impact on his manliness (although he did swear me to secrecy - woops!)
I think a lot about being teased/bullied because I was a lot. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that your name/sense of humour/what you say/how you dress/who your family is doesn't really matter. Children who are bullies will always find a reason to bully because it's not about the reason it's about the bully.
I have a 3 year old nephew who for his recent birthday requested a pink birthday cake. My sister-in-law made a strawberry cake, but the whole thing got some eye rolling from my MIL.
My daughter is 13 mos now and we did not reveal the gender before she was born because we wanted to make sure we got mostly gender neutral clothes and things rather than a bunch of pink frilly stuff. Of course once she was born people gave us a bunch of pink frilly stuff. That I returned to the store at my earliest convenience. I dressed her in green and blue mostly with some yellow and we got comments all the time about how I dressed her "like a boy". Plus, I never put her in dresses because I felt that they were very impractical. Now, she has some "girly" clothes - things with flowers and butterflys and the like, but featuring only limited amounts of pink. Whenever she wears these "girly" things, I get lots of encouraging comments from my in laws - almost like they go out of the way to praise these clothing choices so I'll let her wear that stuff again.
I don't know - I feel conflicted about this too. My mom never wore makeup or anything like that so I had no idea about that stuff and felt very left out in middle school and high school. So I can relate to the concerns about fitting in and wanting my daughter to know about the feminine things she is "supposed" to know about. It's hard to know what to do with all this gender stuff, but then I guess the crux of the issue is that it really isn't all in our hands as parents. Most of it comes from somewhere else regardless of what we do.
That is SO well said.
I have been amazed by how both of my children have fallen into the stereotypes. My son loves trucks, planes, cars, anything that goes. My little girl loves dolls, princesses and, yes, pink. I do not deter her, but I point out that she has plenty of options of colors to choose from, that girls can wear blue and boys can wear pink and purple.
I'm currently pushing 8 months pregnant with my first child and part of the reason my partner and I opted to not find out the sex of the baby is because we were afraid of getting flooded in either princesses or trucks. We also like the simple idea of being surprised -- and, really, what does knowing a newborn's sex matter anyway? It's a baby. That's about all we figured we NEED to know :)
It really disturbs me not only that we pigeonhole our children (and our adults!) into these tight, neat little gender boxes the way we do. But what's even more disturbing is how early we start. Wait to buy the playyard until you know if you're having a boy or girl? My gods, it's a play yard. Why must it be pink or blue? And, better yet, why must that pink or blue match the sex of the child playing in it? It's not like THEY care at that point.
We've been getting some hand-me-down clothes from folks as we prep for the birth, but many people are holding out until they know "what" we're having. I haven't expressed any issues with having boy or girl clothes for whoever this baby turns out to be, but OTHER people have. When I took some purple clothing that a friend of my mom's offered, my mom seemed confused. "But what if it's a boy?" Then we'll put him in purple. "But just around the house, right? I mean, you wouldn't take him out in that... would you?" As a newborn? Yes. He'll need clothes and these are free. I'm happy to have them, and I doubt he'll care as long as he's warm, dry, and fed.
When the time comes to start playing with other kids or going to school, I'm sure we'll run into many of the issues that others have mentioned here -- not wanting to hold him/her back, but also wanting him/her to fit in. But I figure we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Very well written. I understand completely what you mean.
My son told me today that girls like the nice colours, like purple and pink and boys like the yucky colours like brown, black, orange and green. Sigh...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought feminism was about free choices and exposing one's child to both sides.
I have three daughters.
Our toys consist of the blue box of legos and a pink box of legos, Lego Indiana Jones, and a build a house set, Playmobil Pirates and Fairies, fluffy girly dress up clothes and Lincoln logs (a sherriff's office and a ... well something else cowboy with a cowboy and cowgirl). They have princess tea sets and wooden and fabric foods to go with them. They have a set of "real" kid sized tools from the hardware store.
The girls live on a street with predominantly boy playmates. They play with them just as freely as they'd play dress up at a playdate.
I provide the backdrop of both boy and girl toys and experiences. They know feel comfortable playing with both.
My oldest daughter (a second grader) plays basketball on the playground at recess. They haven't shunned her. She prefers non-pink stuff and asked for a black camo lunch bag and a green backpack this year, but she still tolerates wearing pink clothes if there is nothing else to wear. She reads Star Wars Chapter books to know what the boys like. She's "one of them".
My two youngest girls are girly girls like you can not believe. My middle child more so, and would live every day in a dress if she could and her pink sparkly shoes. She's horrified at the thought of having clothes without some bit of pattern or sparkle to them.
It's all good. It's our job to provide a balanced view, and their job to make the final choices.
@RaisingSmartGirls:
Yes, our job is to expose them to both sides and let them make free choices. What I think is sad is when society then tells them which of those choice are valid and which ones are not. If my daughter likes pink because she likes pink, then great. If she likes pink because she's been taught that she is supposed to, I think that is sad. If my son likes brown because he likes brown, then great. But if he likes brown because, he has learned that "boys only like yucky colours" and "boys don't like beautiful colours" then I think that is too bad.
I agree, it is sad. But since we know better, we can do better than following the herd. And yes, that means having to bolster our kids self-esteems in spite of what the other kids views are. I dislike that we have to do that sometimes, but I think if more of us continued to do so, perhaps the next generation of parents would be different. Keep up the good job!
Oh and maybe your son's experience is a good opener to talk about peer pressure and the choice he has to accept what his friends say, or to make up his own mind about it.
Oh, and once upon a time society said that PINK and BLUE were both for boys and girls.
http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/display.php?id=36603
Hey, what about enlisting dad's help. Could he wear a little more pink? It would probably help if dad showed a little solidarity with his choices. Does dad play tea party with your daughter? Or even cook or do housework around your son. I think that better supports a feminist view and an egalitarian model of family than the color of clothes or toys he chooses.
Ack. Wait a minute. I don't mean to assume there is or has to be a dad. I guess I never asked. Must be my own gender bias. Mea Culpa!
Balancing principles with your child's welfare is a tough call. Although staying true to ideals is an important part of being a role model, I error on the side of my child's welfare.
My daughter watched no TV until 2 and after 2 watches only select DVDs. I kept her away from Princesses and dressed her in feminine-styled but not-pink clothing. And guess what, she still wants everything pink, pink, pink. Glitter, sparkles, etc. And that's okay. I was a tomboy. She isn't. Maybe it is partly society but she definitely likes pink.
As for my son, I agree that I do not want to obviously open him up to bullying. Playing with kitchens, dolls (if his sister would let him) and carriages, etc., doll houses, I fully support. Most people I know have no issue with men cooking, doing laundry, changing diapers. My husband does these things so why shouldn't my son mimic him? But I would most likely try to dissuade my son from wearing pink sequins, heels, and a boa to kindergarten. Not because I think a young boy playing dress-up is weird...but because I would be concerned about bullying. But if his desire to do these things is strong and continues to a time when he is able to make those decisions for himself, then I will do my best to be supportive.
Hi, I really enjoyed your article as I was recently pretty amazed by a collection of books I noticed in a local book-shop: "Fairy-tales for boys" and "Fairy-tales for girls" :-O I did not dare open any of the two...
Yikes Diana!!
Neat post & discussion. I think about this stuff [gender roles, how kids learn] fairly often.
If I have kids someday, I want to be surprised & not find out in advance.
I'd love to tell your son that green and orange can be beautiful colors, too. :P
That kind of thing makes me crazy! Just like how the Real Canadian Superstore has aisles marked "Girls Toys" and "Boys Toys". Aren't we past that yet?!
When I was ten, I had the biggest crush on this boy in my class. He had longer hair and his favourite colour was pink. I thought he was so manly, and he was so cool with all the other boys.
Just saying ;)
Who cares what society thinks is alright or wrong?
My son wants to wear a pink dress, then he puts on a pink dress. I'm not about to cringe at that.
Yes, I realise there might be repercussions like teasing and bullying, but who wants to be friends with kids that anyway?
@kxs: I agree that I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. However, I also wouldn't want to be harassed day in and day out.
I just found out yesterday that my baby will be a girl! (I'm 4 months pregnant). I'm delighted but, as a feminist, have already started fretting uncontrollably about the challenges she'll face as a female - body issues, menstruation, being "pretty enough", and all the economic and social oppression that women continue to face.
I zipped out yesterday and bought a bunch of pink clothes for my kiddie - I love pink! But now I'm wrestling with the dilemma of whether to dress her in pink. Anyway, on a positive note, here's a great photo (and website) of boys wearing PINK for a good reason. Let's hope their open mindedness continues on other days of the year!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/wearpink/3316484419/
http://www.pinkshirtday.ca/about/
Pink shirt day is an anti-bullying initiative started by a couple of boys in BC.
[...] they can like pretty colours, flowers, sunsets, and cute furry [...]
[...] they can like pretty colours, flowers, sunsets, and cute furry [...]
You may already know this but if not I'll mention that pink used to be associated as a so-called manly color. Boys wore pink and girls blue at the turn of the 20th century. It was when the Nazi's put gay men in pink outfits that it became associated with the feminine. When you put your baby in pink it is thanks to the Nazi's. Last Fall this issue came up during a discussion about the history of colors on CBC radio.
I believe the more you worry about a child's choices the more you are revealing you are not comfortable with them making their own.
Annie, I don't think we can ever predict what will draw bullying and teasing. I was far more conformist than my kids, but had miserable self esteem because I was constantly trying to fit in perfectly instead of being myself, and was bullied physically, verbally etc every year of my public school life.
My kids make odd dressing choices (dd went to primary as Batman for most of the year) had speech delays etc. Any teasing gets a stony cold glare from them or no reaction and the culprit never tries again.
They are kind, confident and have many friends of all ages. I now regret spending so much time filled with angst over their noncomformity when they were preschoolers and when they transitioned from homeschooling to public school.
Plus, pink is now a big colour for men and boys on anti-bullying days.
This is about my kids, specifically, not about the overall issue, but...
My oldest son is 17. He bought a pink shirt for an anti-bullying day, and he now wears it regularly. Nobody bugs him about it. My youngest son is 5. Last year, he was wearing his older sister's Belle dress and a neighbour dropped by to see if my kids wanted to join his son for birthday cake (an impromptu neighbourhood birthday party), so my son went in his dress. A couple people commented to me, but nobody said anything to him, except for one "nice dress!"...and that guy wasn't being negative - just surprised.
I've always given my kids a heads-up that this-or-that could result in teasing from people who think that pink/lace/sparkles are for girls or that trucks/spiders/dinosaurs are for boys or whatever. From that point, they can make their own decisions. I've done it from the time they're very young. My oldest boy chose to keep his long hair, after being teased about being a girl, when he was 6, because he said he wanted hair that *he* liked, not hair that the other kids liked. That's the way he does things. My youngest boy seems to be following in his footsteps...and my oldest daughter wears princess dressed while digging in the dirt for snails, and is an expert on spiders.
I just let them know there could be backlash, and let them call it.
LOL, we got that reaction all the time with both our kids. I didn't say this to people at the time because I didn't want to hurt their feelings, but I'm not the kind of person to decorate a room that pink or blue threw up all over anyway. I decided that I would just let my kiddos like what they like. I was surprised that my son is REALLY into the traditional boy things. I've bought him stuffed animals and carriers, and he's just not into them. He'll put on his mini-ERGO for a while and carry Elmo, then pull it all off and play with his trucks for hours. My friend's little girl does the exact opposite -- she has one little car, but her dolls are her go-to toys. Genders are different, but it's a continuum, and I don't think it's necessarily assigned by the equipment we're born with.
I was bullied and teased relentlessly as a child, but I would never want to be anything except who I really am. Please parents, the indoctrination has to stop somewhere. Whatever we do in life, please let us have the freedom to choose what we want to play with, how we wish to dress, and what we wish to be called, for as long as we wish to do those things. The time has come to let go of the old world's ideas. I would not exchange a moment of my life for ANYTHING, and those people still playing the old gender game need to wake up. That game is over, and the sooner parents give it up, the better. The world is changing, and you need to prepare your kids for a world where gender is fluid and less stringently defined. The boy-girl thing is over, sex may be in, but gender is OUT.
[...] agree that it is best to shield small children from gender stereotypes and being pigeon-hold into specific roles, likes and [...]
I have two boys and a girl. When my daughter was born, she received several clothing gifts which were entirely pastel pink. I couldn't bring myself to dress her in them. Now she is two and clearly shows a preference for pink, although not exclusively. My eldest son (now 13) when three years old show a particular penchant for the colour pink. 'Strangely' this penchant disappeared as soon as he started school.
Of course the irony is that at the beginning of the 20th Century, pink was for boys and blue for girls.
This one is a major pet peeve of mine - people (especially dads) who have a problem with their sons playing with dolls.
Hello, Dad? He's pretending to be YOU!
(That said, it bugs me to no end that my daughter so loves to push her dolls and stuffed animals around in the toy stroller than someone gave her for her 1st birthday, because we are a babywearing family, and she's not been in a stroller for more than a total of maybe 10 minutes in her life. Long enough to realize that it was more effective as a luggage cart, during the three times it actually left the house with us.)
I think this is actually a huge factor in why everything is marketed to be so gender-specific. So people DO feel like they have to buy all new for a younger sibling of the other sex.
That said, my daughter's room has a panda theme, and is black and white with red accents. That was decided before we were even 100% sure we were going to try to have a baby.
(My partner was uncertain, and at one point said, "If you could just have a baby panda..." (this is when the one at the National Zoo was a baby) so I suggested a panda room and Halloween costume.)
My daughter puts her "babies" to sleep in their own bed. They need to sleep by themselves, she says. She has also said that "next time" she is a baby, she wants to sleep in a crib.
But will she go to sleep without a parent lying with her? No...
Sigh.
I read this story in the book "Cinderella Ate My Daughter" (which, obviously, addresses the whole princess - and PrincessTM - issue).
The rest of the story is that the other boy replied "Oh, everybody has a penis. You're wearing barrettes and that means you're a girl!"
My son does have a doll & a stroller. He LOVES those things. I don't understand the issue of people getting hung up on a boy having a doll. He may one day grow up to be a dad. And like Whozat said, he's pretending to be dad.
I have two boys now & mostly they don't play with the doll, but sometimes they do. They change it & feed it & rock it. They also throw it and bash it and bang it. But it is there for them to figure it out.
Dolls for boys YES please!
I have an almost 5yo boy. With long hair. And no prefferences whatsoever for what he usually wears, except for the moments when he's playing with something [for ex. getting closes out of the dresser and dressing as ninja. Or cowboy. Or Buzz Lightyear. With a shiny pink bag :)) and my sparkling received-never worn-don't know why I don't throw it away-glitery sleeveless tshirt. ] Did I say long hair? With pony tale because it's just too hot.
Now, I know he is feeling good. I know he is a child living his childhood. I know I want to respect him and his decisions as much as I can. I know i want to support him and be there for him no matter what. But I also know he is going to be different for all his life.
I know because I was too. I have a great mom, one who always supported me and my decisions, one who left me live my life and just be me, learn from my mistakes and enjoy the ride. But the truth is I did fell different. And just know, since I have a kid, I started thinking if It's ok for me to feel different. Because, in the end, I should be the normal person here :). And my son should. But we never will. Because the vast majority [here, I can't really say about other countries, but I have the feeling is the same pretty much everywhere] are not ok. They are people who were forced to act and feel obedient, to fit in a category, to look like the prototype.
And know your post is making me wonder again. What meters most: to be yourself [and know I'm talking about a normal kid, who emphatise, who thinks, who feels, who enjoys] or to fit in. Is there really a middle way? Should I be distroing parts of him to make him fit in a society even I don't fancy to much? [aka don't be bullied] Should i leave him be and just be there, but make him feel different for all his life? Should I try find the middle way?
P.S. This exposure to pink and blue is making me feel sick. How many yellow clothes do you find in a kid's store? How many orange? How many tones of green? Browns? How are they supposed to find they're own tastes if they are exposed to so little options?
My daughter loves and has always loved pushing things - anything. Little shopping carts, strollers (doll or real size), toy lawn mowers, etc... She is 2 and still loves that low toy with wheels that is for babies learning to walk. We take them on walks, she goes around and around the house, etc... Yours probably is the same way and is not at all trying to reject babywearing. It's just fun to push stuff. :)
SO agree with every word Annie! My son loves pink too as his main influence is his older sister. One of my pet peeves are toys that are generally ' gender neutral' being produced in both pink versions and red/blue versions. Cuz that play phone or school bus really needs to be PINK??
I am so NOT "girly girly so I also am interested in how my daughter has become so, as it's not from me....
Our momstown Hamilton wrote a blog this summer about her son's pink bias as well - great article and she was interviewed on it as well
http://momstown-hamilton.blogspot.com/2011/07/momstown-hamilton-my-sons-favourite.html
[...] = {"templates":{"twitter":"'check out {{title}}{{url}} (via @phdinparenting)'"}};} The pink, the Barbies, the "Daddy's little" princess, the new LEGO Friends, the shopaholic, [...]
You know those moments when you really sit back and say "wow, I really love my partner?" I had one of those when my husband bought our son a pink stroller. I was at a meeting, and my husband took our son to some garage sales around the neighborhood. Our son found this pink and white stroller and was so excited about it my husband bought it for him. Then he pushed around his pink water bottle in it. My husband told me later that a woman stopped him to compliment him on his cute daughter. My husband corrected her and the woman gasped and said "but he's pushing a pink stroller with a pink water bottle!" My husband just said "yep!" and cheerfully walked on.
I know we have family members on both sides who are uncomfortable with these sort of purchases, but I am really glad that my husband has no problem with it at all.
I'm starting to think about this more, as my sons get older. My almost 4 year old, M, loves all things "girly." For Christmas he asked for (and received, between us and my mom), an apron, some playskool princess dolls, a crib for his baby doll, and a dollhouse (the one I had growing up). His birthday party is in 2 weeks and he has requested a Tinkerbell princess theme, so there were tinkerbell invitations and I'm going to try to bake one of those "princess cakes." I love that he loves all of these things! He has asked for skirts though once or twice and that is the one place we drew a line, as I don't want to spend money on clothes I wouldn't let him wear everywhere, and we don't want him to wear them in public as I don't want him teased.
M has other interests too: electronics, cars, "making science" and drawing. We are really just trying to follow his lead in terms of what he wants to explore. I hope he is still young enough that teasing won't be an issue for now. I wonder if I'll try to suggest more "boy" toys/colors as he gets older, or if his interests will even be the same then. I'd like to think I won't steer him away, but I don't know. He also has autism, and I worry that will bring teasing on its own as he gets older...I can see us feeling pressure to try to help him conform in other ways. I guess we'll see.
Yes. This. I was also excluded from the popular group, harassed and bullied. My elementary school had short, concrete drainpipe things embedded in the yard for climbing, and I would spend all of recess curled inside one, alone, watching every other child playing with their friends. It was lonely, painful, and frightening. It was also worth it, because that trial by fire tempered me into the person I am today. At that time, I had people in my life who promised me that expressing my essence would be worth all the backlash, and they were right.
I understand the desire to be a Tiger Mother, and try to produce a child who is going to have every success, who will be so undeniably charming and capable that they will never experience rejection. But I believe that mainstream society is so shallow and morally bankrupt, who wants to be the type of person elevated by it? There is no lasting satisfaction there.
I would rather my child express themselves as G-d made them, and hold to old-fashioned virtues like integrity, authenticity, and loyalty, than be a popular but hollow shell of a potential contestant on The Bachelor.
People who buy into systems of oppression by conforming, are not the ones who help to break that oppression.
A boy friend of mine, when a child, wanted to wear a pink snowsuit to school. His mother let him, but gave him some ammunition. "When someone says to you, 'That's a GIRL snowsuit,' you tell them, 'No, it's MY snowsuit!'" I thought that was tremendous advice, and it sticks with me to this day.
I have a 5-year-old son who loves trains and cars, and always has. I gave him lovies and gender-neutral toys to start with, but he loooved his first plush toy train the very first time he saw it. He liked pink as much as any other color, until he started going to preschool, where he learned it was a "girl's color." I had to inform him that many men and boys like pink, and it's not just a color for girls. As far as media is concerned, we mostly watch PBS and Netflix, so he is not overly-exposed to genderized commercials and programming. But, he still loves his LEGOs and avoids the pink isles without even thinking about it.
My 6-mo-old daughter has so much pink....lots of it is hand-me-downs so I don't complain about it, I am truly grateful! However, I am trying hard to curb the buying-dolls-for-her-because-she's-a-girl and toning down the frilly (mostly because I was not a girly girl and the frilly stuff drives me nuts). She loves the plush dolly my mother gave her, but she also like to chew on the nose of the blue elephant, and is intrigued by her big brother's trains. I will expose her to a variety of toys, and she will choose what she likes to play with...I don't feel comfortable steering her away from dolls or frill if she really likes it, but I will not push it on her.
When my son was small, we decided to buy gender-neutral scooters and bikes so that his little sibling, whatever sex xi would be, would be able to use them as well. I refuse to buy 2 colors of the same thing! That is wasteful and is consumerism at its worst.
So, boy likes cars and trains and trucks, and girl so far likes plush toys. I guess in the long run I'm more concerned with my daughter growing up knowing she is far more than what she looks like, then policing what she wears or plays with. However, I really don't want them both to be locked into gender roles, especially at such young ages.
I have a seven year old son who loves pink. He's quite a wee activist about it - when his class had a pyjama day last year he wore the ones with pink spots because "I want to show them that colours are for everyone." Mostly I'm really happy to buy him stuff in the colour he loves but I did steer him away from buying a pink school bag recently (the choice was his but I pointed out that some people might think it was girly). I think the difference is that I expect the bag to last a couple of years whereas I don't mind if a t-shirt is relegated to the back of the closet.
When my older son was eight or nine he had long hair halfway down his back. He didn't love being mistaken for a girl but no one was ever mean and he loved his individual look. He's now 11 and has chin length hair, usually topped with a black trilby hat - less girly but still a strong image.
I have a feeling that if I have a son I would be dealing with these things the same way, and it makes me feel bad about myself