Monday
Aug172009
The Hippie Housewife talks behaviour modification
Monday, August 17, 2009 
Sometimes life just doesn't leave a lot of time for blogging. As has been the case in the past, I just don't have the time right now to dedicate to all of the fabulously interesting and insightful things I would like to write. In all seriousness, I do have a few things planned that I think are important and significant and I hope you'll stick around to read them.In the meantime, I want you to go and read Cynthia, the Hippie Housewife. A lot of you have asked me for more thoughts on discipline and I loved her last two posts on this topic:
Some parts of her posts are written from a Christian perspective, which as many of you know is not my cup of tea, but for those of you who are Christian I think you'll find them particularly insightful. For those who are not Christian, read them anyways. They may help you convince your Christian friends on the finer points of new approaches to discipline and also many parts of the post are not religious in nature at all. A lot of the ideas are related to concepts articulated by Alfie Kohn in his book Unconditional Parenting. I would highly recommend the book, but if you are not inclined to read it Cynthia's posts will give you the highlights.
Like Cynthia, I also liked the comment that Summer from Wired for Noise left on the first post. She said:
I want my children to act in certain ways because of internal motivation, because they understand these are the good things to do, because it makes them happy. Not because they are afraid of punishment or expecting a reward of some kind.
I believe this to be true. But I struggle every day to find the way to give my children that internal motivation and I would be ever so grateful for link or book suggestions in the comments. I have the internal motiviation to work on cultivating internal motiviation in my kids. But perhaps not always the tools or the patience to do so. Parenting is hard stuff sometimes.
Reader Comments (23)
Gosh, isn't it just? I was only tonight having this very conversation with my husband, about wanting our kids to do things because they are self-motivated. I think the key is to reward at first, then gradually wean away from it. We all develop habits after doing something for a while. Kids, too. Get them doing what you want, then start rewarding sporadically. It works, for whatever reason. Of course, knowing it works and actually working it are two different things, aren't they?
I can't wait to read this post - thank you for referring us. :)
[...] This post was Twitted by TopHat8855 [...]
Considering your previous articles and your general knowledge about parenting, I would assume that you already know this book - but if not, it's the best I have read so far on this topic: "Your competent child" by Jesper Juul. He writes a lot about communication within families, about avoiding or resolving conflicts in a respectful way, about expectations and needs of each single family member. There are many practical examples about why and how children are motivated to cooperate on their own, not using pressure and rewards.
Have you read Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson? There is a website and a Ning social group where parents can get support.
This parenting stuff is hard, and what works once might not work again.
I miss your regular posts! But thanks for this point over to a different blog! Hope things are well with you.
If you haven't already, you might see if you can find Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott. It's older, but one of the first to talk about intrinsict motivation. Alfie talks mentions him. Although I haven't read them yet, the Thomas Gordon books (P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training) are supposed to be good too. I'd also recommend Mindset by Carol Dweck. A lot of the trouble I have keeping the perspective comes from wanting change to come quickly and permanently. Changing my mindset is helping with that.
Sorry about the mistakes. Nursing while typing!
I have the one for Preschoolers and do like some aspects of it, but remember not liking others. Can't remember the specifics right now. But I should crack it open again and see if there are a some ideas that could motivate me.
Ain't that the truth!
I'm not familiar with it. I'll look into it.
Thanks Alina. I hope to be back to my regular posting soon. It has been a very busy summer for me. Nothing bad, just way too much on my plate.
I don't know that one either. Getting lots of new suggestions here. This is great.
John Gray's 'Children Are From Heaven' is a good read.
Have you read "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort? It's an awesome foolow-up book to Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting". I found Kohn's to be eye-opening and full of fresh ideas but lacking on the practical aspect. Aldort totally makes up for it. All practical, how-to-implement kinda stuff. I've heard good things about Playful Parenting too but I haven't read it and don't know what it covers.
~Tara
I don't ascribe to behavioral modification. It doesn't work in my family of very sensitive, anxious girls. Playful parenting helps, but what helped even more is teaching children about managing big emotions. Happy is not the only acceptable emotion in my house, but we use strategies to deal with the more difficult emotions, like frustration and anger.
Here's two posts related to emotion coaching I wrote about before:
http://growinginpeace.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/why-one-on-one-time-works-better-for-behavioral-issues/" rel="nofollow">Why one on one time works better for behavioral issues
http://growinginpeace.wordpress.com/2009/07/30/peaceful-solutions-for-hitting-and-anger/" rel="nofollow">Peaceful solutions for hitting and anger
It *is* hard. I'm sending my daughter to public school in September to partly get relief from my parenting struggles, with hope that she can learn some discipline at school that she doesn't very readily take from me. I'm heading over the Hippy Housewife to read your recommendations. I sure could use them. And if you're interested, I just posted today my reasons for sending my daughter to public school instead of homeschooling her, even though I kind of wish I was.
Thanks so much for the recommendation. :)
"I have the internal motiviation to work on cultivating internal motiviation in my kids. But perhaps not always the tools or the patience to do so." I can so relate to that. It's been great reading the book recommendations in your comments here. One that surprised me with how good it was is Barbara Coloroso's "Kids are worth it!" I really wasn't expecting much from that book, but it turned out to be one of the best and most useful parenting books I've read so far.
Have you heard of Dr. Gordon Neufeld ? He also has very good discussion on why time-outs, etc., don't work and contrasts those methods with more appropriate ones.
Yes - I have one of Neufeld's books (Hold on to Your Kids) in http://www.phdinparenting.com/my-parenting-library/" rel="nofollow">My Parenting Library. But it doesn't talk much about time-outs. Is there a specific article/book you are thinking of?
Yes there is an article called "The Trouble with Timeouts". Neufeld tries to keep some of his articles for-pay-only, but you can read a summary of his argument against timeouts (from a presentation given by an educator who works with him) at http://www.childcareoptions.ca/workshopspopup.php?eventid=332
I've read Unconditional Parenting and agree with much of it, but I didn't find it particularly helpful regarding actual suggestions for implementing the ideas. I much preferred "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" and "Positive Discipline" if you're still looking for resources! {I'm surfing some of your older posts as part of your BlogHer charity donation :) }
@Steph:
Thanks for the comment. I agree that Unconditional Parenting is not all that helpful on its own. Thank you for the book suggestions. I am familiar with the Positive Discipline series, but not the other one. A few of my other posts you might be interested in are:
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/05/27/when-all-else-fails/" rel="nofollow">When all else fails
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/10/20/my-discipline-spectrum/" rel="nofollow">My Discipline Spectrum
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/04/17/book-review-playful-parenting-by-lawrence-j-cohen/" rel="nofollow">Playful Parenting Book Review
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