Friday
Jul172009
Does becoming a parent restrict your social circle?
Friday, July 17, 2009 
Was there ever a time when you met a new friend, someone you bonded with so quickly and so instantly, that you started to drift away from your other friends? Have you ever been swept of your feet by a new love and be so absorbed in that relationship that you forget to call your buddies?
The friends that are left behind often wonder what they did wrong. Are they too boring? Not glamorous enough? Not interesting enough? Or maybe they blame your new relationship. Your new friend or new love must be the one that is pulling you away from your friends. Maybe even bordering on unhealthy dependence.
What happens when that new bond, that new love is with a baby. Becoming a parent can sweep you off your feet. But does having a baby mean that we need to leave our old friends behind? It depends.
Let's start with some simple math. Being a parent takes time. Before I had kids, I was busy. Every night of the week, every weekend, I had things to do. Sometimes with my spouse, sometimes with friends. Occasionally I would have an evening just to myself in front of the television, but as a social person I kept busy. Team sports, going to the pub, catching a movie, hanging out at a girlfriend's house. Once you have kids, something has to give. As parents, we need balance. We cannot be 100% focused on being mom or dad all day long and all night long. We do need other activities and other interests. But, for me, carving out the necessary time to be a mom did mean letting go of some things that were filling my busy social calendar previously.
Time isn't infinite and that means that multitasking rules. If I can find a way to hang out with my kids and my friends at the same time, then I will do it. That may mean a play date at the park with other friends that have kids too. Or maybe it means having people over for dinner at our house, so that we don't have to farm the kids out to a babysitter in order to see our friends. It is absolutely critical to my health that I get in a bit of exercise and rather than going to a gym or jogging alone, I have chosen to do team sports because it allows me to combine hanging out with my friends and increasing my heart rate into one outing, one evening away from my kids.
Being a mom also meant that I have changed how I hang out with friends. While it is easy to jaunt off to a bar when you don't have kids you can't just leave the house without a lot more planning (e.g. who is going to take care of the kids, did I pump enough milk to leave behind in case she wakes up) and potentially expense (if you have to hire a babysitter). So I turned to the Web. I am a social person and I like to interact with others. In my early days as a parent, that meant parenting message boards. Then came facebook. Then twitter. I had opportunities to interact with people that I already knew and loved (many of my real life friends were on facebook) as well as new people that I was meeting online and that I shared common interests with.
But being a parent did also mean shedding some friends and some activities. There are people that are really important to me and I find a way to keep in touch with those people. We may not see each other as often as before, but when we do it is great. But there are also people who perhaps I did hang out with and had a good time with, but perhaps the bond just wasn't strong enough to make it worthwhile sustaining that relationship as we moved onto new stages of our lives. Or if those friends were only interested in interacting with me at a bar on Friday evening and not under any other terms or circumstances, then yes, I probably moved on.
A lot of parents expect to be able to continue to have a strong bond with their friends that are having children at the same time as them. This is harder than it may appear in some cases, especially when parenting styles clash. I think it is sometimes much easier to maintain a strong relationship with a childless friend who is accepting of the fact that I have less time than it is to maintain a strong relationship with someone whose parenting style is vastly different from mine.
More than anything else I think it is important to remember that becoming a parent is a major life transition. Just like moving to a new city, going away to university, or starting a new career, your life changes and to some extent your interests change. That may mean that you just don't have as much in common any more with people you used to have a lot in common with. But it also creates opportunities to meet new people and to forge new friendships. Some of the people that I have met since becoming a parent and that I have bonded with over parenting issues have had a profound impact on me. New life stages bring new opportunities and new relationships.
Becoming a mom changed who I am forever. My children are my priority. I spend more time that I would like working and when I am not at work, the first and most substantial chunk of time that I have goes to my kids. With the small amount of time that I have left, the time that I use to create balance in my life, I need to prioritize and be clear about what is important to me. That has meant that some people have been left behind.
In conclusion, I don't think becoming a parent has restricted my social circle, but I would say it has changed my social circle. For the better.
The idea for this post came from a discussion with @driftingfocus on twitter about how becoming a parent can sometimes inadvertently restrict your social circle.
Photo credit: Effloresco on flickr
Reader Comments (22)
My children are now my life - my everything. When I was pregnant with my first, I had no idea that changes that actually having a child would bring, how even going for coffee - something I would do with friends every night prior to being a mom - would be something so hard to plan. Yes, I have drifted from some friends, mostly those who are not parents yet. They go out during the week, they complain they are tired the next day, and sorry, but they won't get any sympathy from me! Sadly, I think being a mom has changed the way I think about a lot of things. However, I do try to see my friends often enough. I'm going out of town tomorrow night with some BF's, and although I am riddled with guilt, I am also looking forward to it. But still. Even going out and having fun, they are always on my mind, you know?
@Loukia: Yes....I know. My two little ones will be on my mind frequently when I'm in Chicago next week. I think the first night will be the most difficult. If the first night goes well for the kids and my husband, then I think I'll be able to relax and enjoy the next two nights even more. But boy will I be glad to have them jump into my arms at the airport on Sunday!
I'm struggling with a different issue. So many of the moms that had babies the same time I had my daughter are pregnant- and most of them are in the 2nd/3rd trimesters! I feel like I can't hang out with them because they talk about their pregnancies and such. My body is still trying to become fertile again. It's really frustrating for me. I can't fault them for enjoying their pregnancies, but I do feel lonely.
Becoming a parent destroyed my social circle. I was work friends with my coworkers and we'd go out for breakfast after our shifts sometimes, we'd text and talk all night even on our days off. But then I went out on STD early in my pregnancy and within a month they'd all forgotten about me except my former partner (and he's the only that ever checks in now, almost 3 years later). It was mostly out of sight/site out of mind. It was part out-of-sight-out-of-mind and part the fact that they were still into acting like frat boys. Our lives grew on two different trajectories so they're gone now.
I'm having a hard time building a new circle. I have a group of ladies from a local AP board that I try to socialize with only at playdates, though. But it's hard for me so we rarely go.
So after all that long rambling, yes, becoming a parent restricted, actually eliminated, my social circle.
(warning: I have not proofread this post so I apologize for typos and stuff)
@TopHat: ((hugs))
Definitely becoming a parent restricted and changed my social circle. There are times when I still really hate the fact I can't spontaneously call a friend and then be at a restaurant, enjoying a glass of wine 30 min later. My husband and I plan out the days: work time, alone time (for each of us), social time, time with the kids, time for chores.... Many of my friends are starting to have kids, too, so in order for us to have time out (without kids or spouses) we have to plan weeks in advance. I have tried to set up babysitting swaps with neighbors and friends but haven't had much interest (yet).
One of the reasons I suggested this topic for you was that I wanted to see your thoughts on it from "your side".
You see, I'm not a parent, nor do I ever plan on becoming one (for several reasons that I won't get into here), but I've hit that age where people around me are starting to have kids or think about having kids and I have noticed that it changes our interactions. Whereas before we would just hang out and have fun, it seems that now those interactions are mostly getting together so I can listen to said friends either gripe or wax lyrical about being a parent, or about trying to get pregnant. Now, I'm not saying that I don't want to hear it - I do - but I feel that parents tend to make their children their *whole* lives, so that if you ask them to not talk about their kids for 15 minutes, they have little to talk about. I find it kind of sad, really.
It is like you read my mind! I just posted last night about friendship and how they change over time and with kids.
I lost some friends after becoming a parent but I also made made new ones. I know I changed. I have come to accept that people come in and out of our lives and that is okay.
@Kelsey: When I am out with friends that don't have kids, I don't tend to talk much about my kids unless I am asked about them. I use it as an opportunity to talk about something different and explore my other interests. That said, many of the things that interest my friends without kids now are just not all that interesting to me. So, there may be times with some of my "old" friends where there are awkward silences because my new interests don't interest them and their new interests don't interest me. I see that as a natural growing apart as a result of lives moving in different directions. But I do have other friends without kids that I find plenty to talk about with. It just depends...
@Capital Mom: That is funny!
In case anyone else wants to read her great thoughts on the topic too, here they are: http://capitalmom.blogspot.com/2009/07/cycle-of-friendship.html" rel="nofollow">The cycle of friendship
It definitely restricted my social circle, but in a positive way. I was able to brush off the friends who were unhealthy for me.
I get what Kelsey is saying in her comment about becoming focused on just kids, but I don't think it's any different than anyone else. A childless friend with a new boyfriend she loves or a new job can have only that to talk about on and on and on until the glamour wears off. LOL Sooner or later we all find something else to talk about. :)
Nature plays an incredible trick on us so we do become effective parents - our children are our lives for us for a short but necessary time. I'm only just emerging from having parenting and my child as my sole topics of conversation simply because my life has been so "restricted" in this way while he's been so dependent on me. I have no head space available for anything else, definitely not for selfish, self-centred childless friends who don't/can't/'will be hit by a thunderbolt if it ever happens to them and then' understand. My time is finite, limited - I don't have time or energy for people who suck me dry and yes, I've discarded them. It seems ruthless but life goes on without them and to be honest I don't really miss them. My support network is flexible and tailored to my current needs, I'm a lot more adaptable/self sufficient than people who hang on to their friends doggedly and rarely make any new ones. When I do meet kindred spirits now they tend to be very strong friendships.
I should also admit that I am an expat transitory being who is a little fed up at trying to make friends only to find them moving on. I think expat friendships are less deeply rooted as a matter of survival anyway.
I really found, as in most great steps in life, friendships change and new friends are made and old ones slip away. Often we are friends with people because of what we do together and when that common theme changes so do our friends. Some friendships are deeper and remain there for life whatever you do.
I found in the first couple of years of being a mom that different parenting styles really made or broke a friendship. If someone did something I didn't agree with - as a madly pro-home birth, attachment parenting blah blah mum... I just couldn't relate to them!!! Everything was just so intense!!! I can see past that now and it doesn't send me simmering anymore - I think I just had to grow up as a "parent - person" to understand that parenting style isn't everything there is to a person... they make choices, I make choices and we can still be friends - good friends!
We had kids way WAY earlier than any of our friends so we just invited them to our house to party. Once they started having children, it was just easier because events are planned with kids in mind and it's also nice to not be the only ones that have to leave early or have kids eatting half the snack bowl...(roll eyes shaking head...sigh).
But I am still pretty spontaneous - just last night a single friend that I have known from highschool called up and asked if she could pick me up and go out for coffee - I said "sure, I'll feed the baby when you get here and then we can go..." and off we went...
Relationships change but I think that is just what happens over time - some change together and others change apart...
Becoming a parent has actually expanded my social circle dramatically, but in a whole different direction. I am not terribly extroverted. I enjoy socializing, but I find it difficult to meet new people. Now that my days are spent going to moms groups and the like I have a framework for socialization that didn't exist before. Through groups like La Leche League I've had great success with meeting like-minded moms.
So, on the whole I would say that I have a much more active social calendar now than I did pre-baby. It just all happens on a different timetable, and with kids in tow.
I don't know if it's polite to respond to other people's comments, but @Kelsey, I know what you mean, when I am with friends who do not have kids I have to bite my tongue so that I don't overwhelm the conversation with info regarding my kids. It's not that I don't WANT to talk about things-- I do, I really do. It's just top-of-mind to talk about the kids. Plus I'm so "in love" with my kids, kind of like when you have lunch with a friend who has a new boyfriend and all she can do is talk about her boyfriend. Ha ha! So maybe that will give you some perspective.
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Kelsey, I don't have kids either but one thing I think you have to understand is that in a lot of cases, kids ARE their parents whole lives. Parents have a whole 'nother human being that they have to care for who can't do it themself, or can only do limited amounts for themself.
For a parallel, I run a business from home with my husband and am a student at the same time. Those are the two things that take up 90% (or more) of my waking hours. If I went out with friends and they expected me not to talk about them, or to only talk about them a little bit, I would be at a loss as to what I could talk about, simply because they do take up so much of my time. So it's not just parents who end up that way.
One of the things that I've always tried to do with my parent-friends is involve their kids sometimes. Then I have a better idea of what their kids are like, and can better talk to them about such an important part of their lives. But it also just acknowledges to them that I recognize their new position in life and allows them some control of how much they integrate their friends and parenting. Plus, I have yet to have any of them take me up on the offer, and it seems to make them realize that while that might be a very important aspect of their life, they still want to have friends and talk about things other than their kids too.
When I saw This post on facebook my first reaction was 'of course not - how funny'. But now that I've read it and read the comments, I'm a bit sad!
Sure, some friendships have turned into once or twice a year outings, but I have gained so many wonderful friends through the mommy circuit! My old friends are still very important, but it takes work and planning for sure. You can't assume you can just pick right back up in 10 years. You need to show up from time to time. You need to extend the invites from time to time. There's no question: it's not the same.
But we really need friends. Life is constantly in flux of good and bad. The good is sweeter and the bad is easier with lots of friends around, so make the effort. And I love love love my newest gang of mommy friends. I know these are the families we will grow with and treasure.
We spend less time socialising in the evenings since we had our sons but through them we've met so many new friends who are wonderful people and there's nothing like those mother-to-mother friendships. Many of my existing friends have started families and our friendships have been expanded by our shared experiences of parenting. I still value my non-parent friends as people to remind me that there is a life outside of children and I can be 'just me' with them. We did ditch a couple of people from our lives since having children, but we should have a long time ago anyway.
Having kids reduce my small handful of friends to zero. My guy friends (none of my friends were married or had kids and most were single) call from time to time but always seem to be busy as heck. I guess they just don't dig hanging around with daddy and his kids. Can't smoke. No drinking. No fun. Just colorful toys and annoying kids videos. Who the heck can blame them? Is having them over to suffer along with me going to make me feel better? Probably not. The men feel compelled to offer their "best theories" on early childhood development and theoretical parenting situations, while gals tend to relate to your pain by talking about the rigors of having a household pet, such as a cat. Both will have you biting your lip and staring at the carpet so you don't wallop your few remaining friends in the head.
How about making some friends with other people who have kids? Let me tell you why that's a terrible idea. As soon as two people have sex and make a baby (something the dumbest animals on the planet do all the time) they suddenly become experts on child rearing. "How do you do this? Oh we do THAT and it works REAL well you should TRY IT". I'd rather cut my wrists with a spoon than to listen to a mommy and daddy expert team brag about how they mastered diaper bin logistic and outfitting for trips to the mall. If anything, talking about kids with people who have kids just doesn't appeal to me in the least. Everyone does everything differently, and everyone thinks their way is the best. This is a very good reason to do your own thing - alone.
These days, we only spend time with relatives that also have kids. Usually birthdays and major holidays, we're surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins and we're up to our armpits in kids. It's okay, really, as my extended family members are really pretty decent people. But after spending hour hours in a small house with 60 people, 1/2 of whom are shrieking kids running amok, it's time for a strong drink in a small dark room.
I think as parents we need to suck it up and just be miserable. Alone. And stop wanting other people to come over and suffer along with us. Besides, people without kids don't want to know how LUCKY they are to have time for things like bathing and sleeping. It just brings them down and makes them feel bad about being smart enough not to breed. Besides, when I get ANY free time at all (thanks to very very gracious family members who actually like my kids) I have the strong desire to run to my man cave, dim the lights, put on some quiet music, and sit in my recliner and try to let some of the stress ooze out of my pores.
Being a parent is not just hard work. It's a test of your resilience to getting various mental health issues. And sometimes all you need is some down-time alone. When all your energy goes into kids, it's not hard to avoid friends especially those that tend to be needy. When all of your available energy goes into nurturing the kids, needy friends are the first to go. How many times have you heard a beleaguered mother say "I'm up to my armpits in dirty diapers and trying to thaw dinner and pacify a screeching infant all at the same time and she's calling me up to whine that she's gone up a dress size since meeting her new boyfriend?" All the time. Single childfree people's lives seem comparatively trivial to those of new parents. That's why single childfree people seem to avoid parents - they don't like their important life events to be trivialized by people who have no other concern than their offspring.
That's why my four best friends are my recliner in my man cave (basement) a nice snifter of Remy Martin VSOP cognac, a little peace and some badly needed quiet.
Now quit worrying about your social life and get back to rearing those kids! ;)
As someone without kids, I generally enjoy my friend's kids and hearing about them. I think talking about your kids a lot isn't so much the problem, as others have shared, they're your major interest and take up most of your time. But sharing things that are actually of interest to others is important. Hearing a funny story about something a kid does is great. Hearing endless thoughts about how much better your kid and your parenting choices are than others, not so much. Talking about that insane diaper blowout over dinner, again, not so pleasant. It's more about having some perspective and being a good conversationalist than how much you talk about the kiddos, in terms of quantity.
The only real conflict I've had with a few people who have had kids are the comments implying my life lacks value or meaning because I've chosen not to reproduce. Right after an insane 14-hour workday, the last thing I want to hear is: "try having a 2-year old, then you'll really be tired, lol!" Or condecending smiles whenever I talk about a conflict in my life with comments like "things will just be so different when you have kids." Different interests are one thing, making someone feel like nothing they think or feel matters is another.