Move over: making room for 1 more in the bed (Part 3 of a series on preparing for baby #2)
Thursday, June 4, 2009 ...there were four in a bed and the little one said
"roll over, roll over"
so they all rolled over and one fell out
There were three in a bed and the little one said...
Sprawling limbs. Acrobatic nursing. Coughs. Teeth grinding. Wiggling. Wet diapers. Teething. All things that can make sleeping with multiple children challenging. But the cuddles, ah....the cuddles. They make it all worthwhile. And having your kids feel secure at night is a wonderful feeling.
If you practice attachment parenting and do not want to push your children to sleep on their own before they are ready, then you may wonder what the best arrangement is when you add a second child into the mix. What will be most practical? What will be safest? What will let everyone get the most rest possible?
Let's start with Jane's story (@janefriar):
Our older daughter slept with us for most of her 2 first years. We had so many different sleeping arrangements over the years including a co-sleeper, a side-carred crib, and mattresses on the floor (probably my favorite!). When she was 2 we put a double mattress on the floor in her room and she started sleeping in there for most of the night. If she woke she would either come to our bed or more likely one of us would go to her bed. This is how it continues to be.
This is similar to what we did. When our son turned one, we put a double futon in his room where the never-used crib used to stand. We put up a Safety 1st Secure Top Bedrail so that he wouldn't fall out of the bed. When it was bedtime, I would nurse him to sleep in his room and then sneak away once he was asleep. When he woke up at night, either I would go and join him in his room or bring him into our room. Part way through my pregnancy, I ended up having to go on a few short business trips (two nights away each time) and that gave our son the chance to get used to having Daddy take care of him at night. It went much better than I expected and after I came home, and he realized Daddy could meet his nighttime needs too, it made it easier for us to take turns at night. That meant when he woke up, sometimes we would bring him into our bed and sometimes Daddy would go and sleep with him. As the end of my pregnancy neared, it was more and more often Daddy that went. We didn't want to suddenly switch from Mommy to Daddy when the new baby arrived because we didn't want him to blame the new baby for not having Mommy take care of him at night.
More from Jane:
When the baby was born, my husband would sleep with our older daughter, and he would comfort her when she woke up, but if she needed me, my husband and I would switch beds, and this has been the way it’s worked for the past 7 months. It worked well at the beginning, but now we are at a new phase and I am trying to have our bedroom set up so that all 4 of us can fit happily and safely on the bed. The mattress is already on the floor, but I am trying to save up to buy a king. I am happy that we have been able to be flexible and come up with solutions for each phase instead of trying to enforce an unhappy sleeping arrangement.
Oh yes...a king sized bed. We also invested in a king sized bed. It means that all four of us can sleep in one bed if needed, but in reality we rarely do. With all four of us in one room, there is always someone keeping the others up. So divide and conquer has worked better in our case. We play musical beds. When the kids were little, we didn't have them sleep together alone in one bed because it isn't safe. But now that they are both older (our daughter is 2 and our son is 4) we sometimes put them to bed together in the same bed. Most nights, I sleep with our daughter and my husband sleeps either with us or with our son. Everyone can have someone to cuddle if they need it. No one has to sleep alone.
Naomi's (from Mama’s Applecores) family also used a divide and conquer strategy:
For us, co-sleeping has never involved all of us in one bed. We only have two functioning bedrooms in our house, so we planned for a girl’s room and a boy’s room. My husband has been sleeping with our son since I night weaned, and our son was obviously not ready to give up the comfort of an adult in bed. My husband continues to sleep with our son, and recently I was able to move our daughter into my bed. We were not able to co-sleep earlier because she had reflux and slept in her bouncy seat (or on my lap), but she has always been in the room with me. Now that she is a bit older I am starting to hand her off to my husband some nights when I really need to get some sleep, and then I go sleep with our son. I can’t say that co-sleeping is completely easy or fun for us, but it’s what we do and we can’t imagine not doing it.
robin from woowoomama had the additional challenge of transitioning her son from falling asleep in the rocker to getting him to fall asleep in bed:
while i was pregnant we had made some changes that we thought would help things. when the bean was a baby we all slept together in a family bed. at about 18 months old we moved him to a queen sized mattress on the floor in his own room and i went to sleep with him after his first waking (by 11pm). during the pregnancy flash (my husband) started going to sleep in with the bean when he went to bed. he first tried going when the bean woke but he was never accepted that way. if he was already in there and could settle the bean before he started calling for me it worked out much better. we imagined that the boys would cosleep together in beans room and chickpea and i would be in the master bed together. the bean never made it through the full night with flash while i was pregnant, usually he asked for me by 4am, but it still was a major change from me sleeping almost the entire night with him.
the bean nursed all through my pregnancy and although his nursing decreased he was still nursing to sleep for bedtime and naptime, in the rocker, like we had always done. at about 34 weeks we went through a stretch where he was just not falling asleep in the rocker and i was losing my patience. this made me push myself to try transitioning him to falling asleep in the bed.
so, when we moved out of the rocker and onto the bed for nighttime falling asleep i hoped he would just find his mole and use it like he did in the middle of the night (instead of nursing). after a few rocky nights it worked, and by the time chickpea was born the bean was used to falling asleep with me laying in his bed. this was a huge step for me because i knew i could lay there with him and hold the newborn but i had been unable to imagine to having both of them in the rocker! (flash has to travel a lot for work so it is imperative that i be able to handle bedtime alone.)
Another solution that many families use is to either side-car a crib for the baby and then have the older child sleep between mom and dad or put a twin-sized bed next to the family bed for the toddler to sleep on. Either of those solutions keeps the whole family together without having to crowd everyone into one space. It also helps to ensure that you won't have a toddler rolling over the baby.
Co-sleeping can be such a wonderful experience and can have many benefits. Whatever arrangement you choose, it is important to keep everyone's needs in mind and to ensure that you take co-sleeping safety into consideration.
Reader Comments (23)
I loved using the Arms Reach Co-Sleeper for both my boys when they were born up until they were about 6 months old. Then, with oldest son, we tried putting him the crib even though most nights him and I were both sleeping on a floor mattress in his room, or sometimes on our bed. He got a queen size bed right before baby number 2 was born, and he loved it; most nights husband sleeps with him, and baby will sleep with me for most of the night (he starts off in his crib, and then by 1 a.m. he'll stir and I'll bring him to my bed). I love the sleeping arrangements we have. I've said it here before, I sound like a broken record, but there is nothing nicer or sweeter than sleeping with my babies! I'm pretty sure when they're 15 they won't want me in their bed anymore! :(
Oh the teeth gringing...but I suppose that's only one of the downsides ;)
And, yes, we did the king size too. We didn't even try to hide the fact that we simply expected four in the bed and wanted the extra space...
Now, my son and hubby are in the queen. I am with the baby in the master - and I have the King to myself. Go figure. She isn't into co-sleeping for the entire night, and if my son wakes up in the night and sees me with her it's not a pretty scene.
But, even though she doesn't stay with me all night, her crib is right beside the bed and quite frankly, will be until she is probably over a year...
What I miss most is snuggling my little guy. Teeth grinding and all, so when his sister stirs to nurse, I am more than happy to lie down and share my bed. My king bed ;)
We have a king-sized bed, but we generally end up playing musical beds anyway. It's amazing how two very small people can take up all available mattress room. It's like a magic talent they have. The baby is usually in the king with me most days, and my husband is in the double in my daughter's room if she wakes up.
We bought my older child her double bed when she was 18 months and we still had our queen. Space was too tight. So we've been going to her when she woke up since then, well before there were any other babies in the picture. It's worked, and at 2 1/2 she started sleeping through the night on her own most of the time. I'm not afraid to say that was a very happy moment in my life as a mom. :)
This is a great series of posts for anyone thinking about having another baby. All the stories above relate to the divide and conquer strategy. But I have read about lots of families who do sleep four (or more) in a bed, and I would love to know how they cope with it. I have only one child now, but I already wonder how we would manage our sleeping arrangements if another came along. My partner and I like sleeping in a bed together, even if there is a child between us, and I can't imagine that we would want to give that up. Is that how everyone feels before the second baby comes along and changes things?
@Cave Mother: Jane did mention that she is looking at setting up the bedroom so that they can all sleep in one space and my last paragraph also talked about two solutions that families do use (side-car crib or put a twin next to a king). I think the important thing to keep in mind is not to have the baby next to a toddler, because that is unsafe.
This has been a BIG confusion for us. Our 2.5 year old still co-sleeps with us in our Queen bed. Sometimes all night...sometimes he starts the night in his bed and joins us in the middle of the night. But now we have a newborn. Obviously, we can't safely fit two adults, a toddler, and a newborn in a Queen bed...and buying a King isn't an option right now. We've talked about a sidecar crib option, but have to wait until I'm recovered more (C/section, and can't get in and out of bed yet..never mind around a crib). We've also talked about bringing the toddler's twin bed in to our room and having him sleep there, but we worry that will be a step backwards...since he already naps and sleeps half the night in his own room. We're still not settled on a solution. Especially since the 2-week-old doesn't sleep well in the crib anyway (She sleeps best in the baby swing.....sigh).
Yep, we definitely went with the king-sized bed for the four of us. We had created a side-car set-up with the crib we were given (took the side off and tied it to the side of our double bed) when we only had one child but by baby # 2 we knew this wasn't going to be enough so we bought a king-sized futon and LOVE it still!! (8.5 years later)
@Tiffany: What about getting a second toddler bed or at least a second mattress, so that he can have a bed in your room and one in his own room?
Ooh, that's a great idea. Buuut our bedrooms are all 10X10. There's no way to fit that many beds in one room here! We already had to put dressers in closets to make room for the crib. Our house is crazy small! I'm going to keep that in mind though. Maybe there's a way to make it work.
@Tiffany Once you are feeling better, I bet you would find the sidecarred crib to be a nice arrangement! Good luck!
"Everyone can have someone to cuddle if they need it. No one has to sleep alone."
I think that's really lovely. I am in no hurry for the cosleeping to stop.
With only two weeks form my due date, I've been struggling with this too. My daughter it 26 months old and still co-sleeping all night, and I have no intention in changing that. At first we planned on buying another mattress to put next to our king to extend the sleeping area, but now I think we're just going to buy a bed rail and put the new born in his little snuggle nest between me and the rail and my daughter in the middle. I have a feeling he will spend the first few weeks in a bassinet though.
Seriously?!?! How big are your bedrooms that you can fit a king size and a twin size bed together!?!?! My 2.5 year old is loving his "big boy" twin sized bed in his room now, so we will not have to resort to buying a bigger bed (not that a king would even fit into our room) when our new baby arrives. But, we couldn't even put a side car if we wanted to next to our queen. Yipes! :)
@Anisa: We can't fit a twin next to our king, which is one of the reasons that we do the divide and conquer. When we had a queen-sized bed, we were barely able to side-car a crib.
So far...its 4 in the bed.
We seem to be doing well so far but it is only week 3.
I want to keep it this way as once my boy is old enough to share snuggles with my daughter on the other side of me...well I'll have two arms and two babies... and thats it ;-)
You can only divide and conquer until there are more than 2! Then you have to get creative. :)
Our oldest is 4 years older than his siblings so he had a long transition from our bed to a twin next to us, to a twin in the same room, to his own room with occasional sleepovers in out bed. (at that point he was 3, and he was an extremely restless sleeper)
2nd came his sister who co-slept part-time. She preferred the crib for awhile. She also transitioned to the twin on the floor next to the queen on the floor when we knew #3 was coming soon.
Then we purchased a king bed (we actually got it off the floor at this point), and made up a room for her with a toddler bed that she napped in, and usually started the night in her bed. By the end of the night 90% of the time she was in our bed (this at age 2).
When we were getting closer to expecting #4 we made a room for #3 and amazingly at 20 months she transitioned right into her own bed, no questions asked, no waking up at night. #2 started sleeping more in her room too, though some nights Daddy had to be there to comfort her.
#4 was an AWFUL sleeper despite co-sleeping. He would wake up crying at this amazingly painful pitch and we'd try to nurse to sleep (it always worked for the others) but he wouldn't have it. Lots of walking, lots of working really hard to help him sleep (since he clearly needed it) and now at 3 he is happy to be in his own bed and mostly sleeps through the night. (when he does wake up he kicks us in the head all night in our bed)
Whew, are you as tired as me?
For many years we played "musical beds", and had well over 2 dozen sleeping arrangements, but it was all worth it in the end.
Now I'm going to sleep, and you can wake me in 2020 when I've finally caught up on my sleep!
[...] This is the fourth and last post in a series on preparing for a second baby. If you haven’t read them already, check out the first part What on earth were we thinking?, second part To tandem or not to tandem, and third part Move over: making room for one more in the bed. [...]
Great post! I'm pregnant with #2, co-sleeping with my 30 month old daughter, and trying to envision our future co-sleeping arrangements. This helps.
[...] love both of my kids and they generally get along well. I wrote a series of posts about how bringing a second child into your family doesn’t have to be as scary as you [...]
[...] Part 3: Making room for one more in the bed [...]
what do i do now that baby's number 4 and 5 are now 9 and 10 years old. All our older children would sleep by themselves starting at 9 years old~ these last 2 are not willing at 9 and 10 and our bed is super squishy!!! HELP............
oh and suggesting they sleep on the floor next to us causes much upset :o( so that is not working~ i will not allow them to be upset about it~ i am so sleep deprived, and I am soon to be 52~ i just want to meet their needs like JESUS meets my needs~ HE never turned one away who came to HIM and HE is my Perfect Example. If my youngest 2 have a need~ how could i possibly turn them away~
[...] for a second baby: Part One (What Were We Thinking), Part Two (To Tandem or Not to Tandem), Part Three (Making Room for One More in the Bed), and Part Four (Soon They are Best [...]