Soon they are best friends (Part 4 in a series on having baby #2)
Saturday, June 13, 2009 This is the fourth and last post in a series on preparing for a second baby. If you haven’t read them already, check out the first part What on earth were we thinking?, second part To tandem or not to tandem, and third part Move over: making room for one more in the bed.
It wasn't long until my anxiety about bringing a second child into our home gave way to the reality and excitement of introducing our little girl to the family. Our son was generally excited about having her around, but like any child he had his moments...moments where, for example, he said "Baby sister go back in mommy's tummy now." But those moments were few and far between and what I remember more than anything else was my son being a devoted big brother, one that was loving and helpful with his little sister. I remember him wanting to hold her and glowing when he did. I remember him getting her to giggle and laugh.
I think part of the reason things turned out so well is our capacity as humans to love. Our capacity as parents to expand our hearts and find so much more love. My son's capacity to open his heart to this new little intruder in his life. But the other reason things turned out so well was that we prepared and we adapted.
So what can you do to prepare your older child? How can you make things easier for the big brother or sister?
- Talking about the new baby: I remember hearing friends talk about one family that thought it was better to not mention anything to their child about the new baby. They figured that just having the baby appear would be better than the anxiety and worry that the lead-up to a new baby might bring. The effect was devastating. The older child was shocked, blindsided, hurt, and freaked out. So we talked. We talked about my growing belly and what was inside. We talked about what it would be like to have a baby in the house. We talked about how important the role of the big brother is. And we read books. In particular, we loved My New Baby, which shows breastfeeding and babywearing and Dad helping out. It has no actual words in the book, just pictures, so you can make up the story yourself and adapt it to your family.
- A gift from the new baby: One trick that we used and that several of our friends have used successfully is to have the new baby bring the older child a gift. Something really special. Although somewhat superficial, this is a great way to convince a toddler that the baby is bringing something to him instead of taking something away from him. It just helps to tilt perception about the intruder in the right direction.
- Make your lap bigger: After our daughter arrived, one of our favourite games became "my two babies". I would take both kids on my lap and cuddle them and say "my two babies" and give them both kisses and hugs. robin from woowoomama also found that expanding her lap, not kicking the older one out, was the way to go:
i asked for help, guidance and support from a few places to calm my late pregnancy panic attacks. my mom assured me that the way i felt was perfectly normal, other ap mama’s i knew assured me that i would somehow find a way to work it out (even if it meant me cosleeping with both kids which i had not originally wanted to do) and i relied on my spiritual path to help me. when i asked if i had made a mistake by getting pregnant or if i had failed the bean by not somehow assuring he was less attached to me when the baby was born i was given a clear and comforting answer “you do not have to kick the bean out of your lap, you just have to make your lap big enough for two.”
the weeks and months that followed the pea’s birth were certainly challenging and there were moments when i was pulling my hair out and feeling terribly lost and having bouts of other panic attacks, but we made it. spending some nights sleeping in a bed with two children is actually enjoyable in ways i had never imagined, and the bean self weaned the moment chickpea was born (something i had never imagined or heard of before). there have been tough times of transition but with support and an open mind and heart i was able to discover that the truth is that my lap is easily big enough for two.
- A big helper: My son became mommy's little helper. I made a big deal about asking him to help with things to make him feel important and involved. I would get him to fetch a clean diaper from the laundry basket for me. I would ask him to pass me the nursing pillow. I would get him to help me burp the baby. I would ask him to entertain her while I fixed him a snack or made a phone call. This continued from day one into today. He was the one holding her hand when she was getting used to walking. He often sits and reads her books. I'll ask him to get her a spoon if she needs one. It not only keeps him busy and keeps him from feeling left out, but it has also helped to build a really tight and beautiful relationship between them. He truly is a loving and wonderful big brother.
- Multi-tasking: When my son was little, I remember quiet times sitting in a chair feeding him. Or taking a quiet nap with him. When my daughter arrived, that was no longer possible (except on the days my wonderful mother came to help out!). So when I was at home with both kids I had to find a way to be a mother to my 2.5 year old while also taking care of the baby. I learned to do floor puzzles while sitting on the floor and nursing my daughter on a boppy pillow. I learned to nurse her in a sling and let her have naps in the sling so that we could go to the park or the museum or wherever without having to worry about when she would need to nurse or sleep.
There are times when it will be difficult. There will be rough nights. There will be days when you are tearing your hair out or when tears are streaming down your cheeks. But the task isn't impossible. And the love...all of the love...makes it so worthwhile.
Naomi from Mama's Applecores found that attachment parenting was critical to her ability to meet the needs of both of her children:
The transition really was fairly easy for our son I think – or at least he handled it well. Co-sleeping and tandem nursing were a big part of our picture, but it’s not so much those specific things as our lifestyle. I am sure that other families could find other ways to meet the needs of their children. Our children are both high-needs, and personally I cannot imagine not doing what we do. And as a working mother I sometimes think that I need these things as much as my children do.
My parting words of advice would be listen to your heart, respect the needs and feelings of both of your children, find a way to take some breaks for yourself, and multi-task! And on the really hard days, just remember this too shall pass.
Reader Comments (11)
Read this on my iPhone as I nurses my 9 mo old girl to sleep & while my DH is in bed with our 26 mo old boy... reading him a story before they fall asleep all curled up together. The first few months after our girl came home were so hard on me & my son. We talked about the baby coming & read picture books too but it's not easy to prepare an 18 mo old. He wasn't quite an infant & not really a full blown toddler either. I had terrible bouts of guilt & ached for him even as I was falling in love with our girl. He had night terrors that came 2-3 times/week and finally disappeared after 3 months. He reverted back to bottles & clung to his Oma, running right past me with boo boos, etc. So to say we had a rough start is an understatement! But then, somehow magically things changed... it was 12/26 & my boy wanted (!) to sit next to "his baby" on our big bed. I was overcome with joy ad he began hugging as kissing her trying to wrap her little arms around him. It took him 3 months but when he decided we could keep her, he cane around big time & it's gotten only more intense since! He loves her so much; they even have their own language! At 2 there are a few things he can help me with but mostly his love for her has gtownso much that it's almost extinguished my guilt.
Wow that comment got long, sorry. Guess your post really hit home (cue flood gates! LOL).... thanks! Feels good to read other mom's stories about bringing #2 home, by far the hardest thing I've ever done!
Sincerly, Jana (@janalee) :)
sorry for typos... replying on cell with baby attached! ( I really can spell!)
With less than 2 weeks to my due date, I often worry about how my daughter will handle the arrival of her little brother. I have been talking with her about it since I first started showing and have showed her home birth videos to prepare her for the birth. I try to keep an upbeat attitude about it so that she will have a feeling of excitement rather than change.
Just yesterday I was asking her if she would share her milk with her new baby brother. At first she said no, hugged my boob and said, "my milk!" I explained to her that milk is the only thing that the baby can eat, that he will need it and she will not be giving it up, but sharing it and she can even nurse at the same time as him. I left it at that and decided I would revisit the topic again later. Well, I never had to do that, because she brought it up on her own later in the day and said "share milk baby brother." Just to be clear I asked her if she would share her milk with him and she belted out and excited "YES!"
I love the paragraph about making your lap bigger and the different ways that you explained to meet the babies needs while still being able to play with your toddler. I have a feeling I'm about to get a really good lesson on how to multi-task - lead by my daughter. :)
I am living this life right now! My son (2.5) has become a great helper, and we really play it up. We also talked a lot while preg. about my growing belly, when the baby comes mommy would go to the doctor for a few days, and since we knew her name beforehand (having found out the gender this time) we called her by name and talked about her as though she was already here.
What I was most worried about was the jealousy that may arrive in nursing. I weaned while preg. so there would be 6 months between his last nurse and when she came. To help, because he is a huge animal lover, we took his farm animals (the pigs in particular - mama pig was anatomically correct) and showed how the baby would nurse it's mommy - like he once did, and like his sister would do. He would bring me the pigs and pretend nurse them a lot. There was zero jealously with the nursing when she came.
The other thing we are very cautious of is never saying he can't do something because of the baby. Sometimes it's postponed until after her nap/nurse whatever, but never because. We hope to avoid the blame this way (and so far, have been successful.)
It's a balancing act. Nights are the hardest when both are needing cuddles to sleep, but my husband and I split ourselves up and it works. It's hardest if one has to be alone for a bit.
Seeing him talk about her, kiss her goodnight, hold her hand and bring her toys is the most special thing right now. I never imagined having two would be this beautiful.
Thanks for the very relatable posts.
Just wanted to say thanks for this great series... I was going through a lot of stress worrying about the Dec. arrival of another little one, and how are son would handle it.. right now, he says he would cry if there is a baby in mama's tummy.. but after reading this I am feeling more like I can handle it better than before...
I have enjoyed your series on two kids.
I found that our daugther adjusted to life with a baby brother very well. We had talked a lot about the baby, read books and talked about her being a big sister. From the beginning she has been my helper. I also have a thing where I talk about my "two kids" as they both sit with me or I carry them around.
What I have found to be the hardest about two kids is being as patient with her as I want to be when I am so exhausted. I know she is just being 2 and a half, that the not listening and testing boundries is normal but when I am so tired because the baby was up two, or three, or four times I don't have much patience to draw upon. And sometimes that is what makes having two so hard.
What makes it easy is how much they love each other.
Nobody can make my baby laugh like his big sister. There's a bond there that can't be duplicated. She really does love him, and that helps see me through the rough times.
Something that really helped my daughter was looking at photos of herself as a baby, and talking about those days. We do it a lot now that we have another baby, and I think it helps to reinforce to her that she's our baby, too. And that she got to do all the 'baby things' as well.
[...] Soon they are best friends (Part 4 in a series on having baby #2 … By phdinparenting This is the fourth and last post in a series on preparing for a second baby. If you haven’t read them already, check out the first part What on earth were we. PhD in Parenting – http://www.phdinparenting.com/ [...]
Hi there, I have so enjoyed this series on new siblings! We have had a few new siblings in our home and I wrote a post on se7en of the questions I have been asked about new siblings. You are welcome to pop over and visit if you are interested...
http://www.se7en.org.za/2009/02/11/se7en-things-people-ask-me-about-siblings
I definitely agree about making the lap bigger! My two love when I cuddle them both and sing "I've got the 2 babies in my hands, I've got the 2 babies in my hands."
Something else I did was resist making the older one grow up. She was still my baby, still cuddled, coddled, etc. We made no mention of being a big girl. That way she wasn't usurped as baby, just joined.
[...] love both of my kids and they generally get along well. I wrote a series of posts about how bringing a second child into your family doesn’t have to be as scary as you think [...]