Monday
Dec282009
I want to be myself again
Monday, December 28, 2009
I asked for a treadmill for Christmas and Santa (along with all the relatives who pitched in) came through for me. I asked for it because playing basketball twice per week is no longer cutting it to keep me in shape and I can't think of any other way to fit in more exercise without sacrificing time with my kids, of which I already have too little. With a treadmill, I can spend some time in the evening after they have gone to bed walking or maybe even running. I can do something other than sitting in this desk chair or on that couch.
I want to lose weight. I want to do it for all of the right reasons and some of the wrong ones. But mostly I'm doing it because I want to feel like myself again.
My pre-pregnancy weight with both kids was between 185 and 190 pounds, with measurements of around 42-34-44. With a BMI of 24, I just fit into what is considered normal weight. I have a stocky build, so even at my absolute skinniest in high school my BMI didn't go below 20. I stayed at my pre-pregnancy weight and even dropped a bit during the first trimester of both pregnancies. I gained an average amount of weight during both pregnancies and it was added on to a fairly normal, but certainly never skinny, figure.
Those pictures show me at the size that I am comfortable with. Not super skinny, not going to be a fashion model, but in fairly good shape and able to wear clothes without them either pinching me, sagging, or looking like a tent.
By time time Emma was about a year old, I was pretty close to my pre-pregnancy weight. I got down to about 190 pounds or so. But then, as I described in the calories and breastfeeding rollercoaster, the less I pumped and the less she nursed, the more the weight piled back on. I thought it would stop at some point, but it hasn't. I keep gaining and gaining and gaining.
The weight gain has not stopped. Over the past 2 years, since I stopped dropping the baby weight, I've been putting it back on. I've gone from 190 pounds up to 215 pounds. I've gone from 42-34-44 to 45-37-46. I've gone from a BMI of 24.4 to a BMI of 27.5. I've gone from normal weight to overweight. I've gone from being comfortable with myself to being disgusted with myself. I am now the same size I was when I was 7 months pregnant with Emma.
I don't want to talk about my reasons for wanting to lose weight because they are my own. I do not judge others on their weight and I know that most people do not judge me based on mine. But I want to do this for myself. I hope I can count on those around me both virtually and in real life to cheer me on, to celebrate my successes, to console me if I don't get the results I hope for, and to not pick at every bite I take or every workout I miss.
Each year it seems like there are groups of bloggers that are encouraging each other in their New Year's health resolutions. If anyone knows of anything like this happening this year, please let me know. I can use all the support I can get.
I want to lose weight. I want to do it for all of the right reasons and some of the wrong ones. But mostly I'm doing it because I want to feel like myself again.
My situation
My pre-pregnancy weight with both kids was between 185 and 190 pounds, with measurements of around 42-34-44. With a BMI of 24, I just fit into what is considered normal weight. I have a stocky build, so even at my absolute skinniest in high school my BMI didn't go below 20. I stayed at my pre-pregnancy weight and even dropped a bit during the first trimester of both pregnancies. I gained an average amount of weight during both pregnancies and it was added on to a fairly normal, but certainly never skinny, figure.
This is me when Julian was 21 months old, about 1 month before Emma was conceived
This is me 3.5 months pregnant with Emma
Those pictures show me at the size that I am comfortable with. Not super skinny, not going to be a fashion model, but in fairly good shape and able to wear clothes without them either pinching me, sagging, or looking like a tent.
By time time Emma was about a year old, I was pretty close to my pre-pregnancy weight. I got down to about 190 pounds or so. But then, as I described in the calories and breastfeeding rollercoaster, the less I pumped and the less she nursed, the more the weight piled back on. I thought it would stop at some point, but it hasn't. I keep gaining and gaining and gaining.
The weight gain has not stopped. Over the past 2 years, since I stopped dropping the baby weight, I've been putting it back on. I've gone from 190 pounds up to 215 pounds. I've gone from 42-34-44 to 45-37-46. I've gone from a BMI of 24.4 to a BMI of 27.5. I've gone from normal weight to overweight. I've gone from being comfortable with myself to being disgusted with myself. I am now the same size I was when I was 7 months pregnant with Emma.
I don't want to talk about my reasons for wanting to lose weight because they are my own. I do not judge others on their weight and I know that most people do not judge me based on mine. But I want to do this for myself. I hope I can count on those around me both virtually and in real life to cheer me on, to celebrate my successes, to console me if I don't get the results I hope for, and to not pick at every bite I take or every workout I miss.Each year it seems like there are groups of bloggers that are encouraging each other in their New Year's health resolutions. If anyone knows of anything like this happening this year, please let me know. I can use all the support I can get.
Reader Comments (70)
You have my support girl! I too am about to hit the gym on January 1st. Ugh. I have been following you on twitter but this is the first visit to your site. I want to applaud you for posting the breastfeeding pics on your side bar. That is my one parenting regret - I never got a picture of those beautiful moments. Thanks for reminding me how wonderful those moments are. Love your site! Good luck on the PLAN! You can do it! - crazyforher.com
Good for you. And bravo on your honesty here.
I know what you're saying about taking more time away from the kids. For me, it's taking time away from my husband. Scheduling time away each evening to head to the gym is rough. I want to be here to help with bedtime (we have 3 littles), and going after that is HARD. The later it gets, the harder to leave the house. I have been going to yoga one night a week, and while that's strengthening and toning, I really could use the cardio workout.
Good luck to you, and to all the others who are trying to get back to themselves!
Lady, you know I will support you! I am on the same journey myself. Weighed about the same too but clearly you are taller than I am because my BMI? um, 31 I think. I wrote a post about it the week before I started my weight loss. Five weeks and going strong. You can do it! We can do it together. And think about joining The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans - a challenge starts tomorrow and we are all supportive of each other. Also bookieboo.com and mamavation.com - great community and support for moms by moms! We can do this!
You should check out the Mamavation Sistahood. I head it up at Bookieboo.com. We are a group of women that are learning healthy living and cheering each other on. Cause at the end of the day, it's all about being healthy role models for our children. Plus, in my own struggles I've lost over 170 lbs. I'd love to help you if you want.
Good luck with achieving your goals. And thank you for posting such an honest article. I too really want to get back to pre-pregnancy weight & feel like I look like I did when I was 6 months pregnant. I'm fearful of trying because I have failed before. We need to find a good weight loss support group. That is a big part of being successful at getting into shape.
I will offer support as you focus on your fitness goals. I have become a fan of your blog since my pregnancy began this fall. I have no doubt you will find a sensible way to find the person you are more comfortable with. I have started hanging around with the #mamavation (mamavation.com) group on twitter and their other social media outlets. They may be a possible group for you with their support and accountability.
I am SO on board. I've been wanting to get back to the gym -- took a break because G was having some separation issues and didn't dig being left at the gym's little daycare anymore, so I stopped going. I'm still paying for my membership right now, so I should get back into it soon. She'll be a year old next month and is doing better with other people -- now it's most ME who has the hangups!
But -- I digress!
I was about 180 when I got pregnant with G and 230 when she was born. I'm now back down to about 174, but with xmas just passing I'm more like 179 - ha!
SO yes, time to get back into gear, to rid the house of baked goods and chocolate and get back to the gym!
Best wishes for your goals as well -- we can totally do this together!
Count me in. Yo phrased it exactly as I have: I want to feel like MYSELF again.
My daughter is 20 months now and I STILL haven't lost all the weight! Now, I gained a whopping 65-70 pounds during my pregnancy - I was forbidden exercise due to placenta previa, and as a formerly very active person, this had a huge impact. I've lost about 50, net total (including a brief period of gaining some back during a complicated period of minor postpartum depression), but still have 25 left to go, since I was already 5-10 pounds above my healthiest weight when I got pregnant.
I'm still nursing, but with less overall output - you know how it goes. It's funny, I've been kind of reluctant to talk about it because one of the many great benefits of breastfeeding is weight loss - so if I'm still at it, why are these particular pounds so stubborn? I recently developed a theory, based solely on myself and what I've observed in friends and many online anecdotes: I think perhaps breastfeeding helps you lose the weight you were SUPPOSED to gain in pregnancy, i.e. 25-35 pounds-ish, or whatever it was for your particular frame and body type - I actually did drop 25 pounds extremely quickly. But then, any additional, excess weight you packed on? You're on your own. And if you gain weight back?! God help you.
Totally just my theory. It makes me feel better, anyway.
SO. I'm restarting the 30 Day Shred, and hitting Zumba at the Y at least 3 days a week, and hopefully yoga 2-3 times as well. Cutting the carbs down, keeping an eye on calories. By her 2nd birthday I WILL feel like myself again. I WILL!
Thanks for this, Annie.
Yes, yes, yes. How on earth do you fit, er, fitness into an already jam-packed schedule? After the first baby I could take marathon walks and maintain a fairly active lifestyle. But now I have a 3 year old in tow everywhere I go. The only thing that gets exercised during our walks is my nagging techniques: "C'mon ... let's GO." I'm trying to figure out a way to combine taking the kids to the park with my jogging or something, but nothing is really working yet. (They're still young enough to require fairly close attention.)
I can relate, I also need to loose a few pounds. We have a treadmill, and various other fitness equipment (which dh uses 3+ times a week). My problem is energy. By the time the kids are asleep I am totally spent -- I just have no energy for exercise. With 4 kids, 3 of them in school with different pick-up times, it makes it difficult to fit exercise into my day. I still haven't figured out a solution but it is always on my mind.
A side note about BMIs ... I have always hated the BMI measurement. I never had trouble with my weight until I had kids and even when I was at a healthy size I borderlined on the normal/overweight range -- when I was nowhere near overweight. A few pounds later and I'm in the overweight category. I've always found looking at my BMI very discouraging (which is why I don't really pay any attention to it). I guess it's general guideline but it does not take into account all the different body types out there.
Came by via BlogHer headlines...what a great post! Seems as though there's a great group of fabulously supportive women out here in the blogosphere!! I hope you find success in your New Year!
Reply turned post: http://dou-la-la.blogspot.com/2009/12/resovled.html
Here it is- http://naturaltransition.com/blog/?p=314
I've included some tips for kicking the sugar habit, a call for people to leave their own health goals for 2010 and inviting links for those that will blog their progress.
I hope you and your treadmill are becoming good friends :-)
I love all the support and the "I'm so with you!"s.
I'm going to add one more to the list. I am SO with you.
Funny aside, my measurements are close to your goal, but I'm only 5'5"! I come from stout German and Irish stock, what can I say? My goal, however, is to get my waist down to 30". Whatever my bust and hips are after that will be fine by me.
I have had good results (finally am back at the weight I was at before having any children 5 years ago) from one thing really - not eating after 7 pm. So we have supper, get the kids to bed and then I brush my teeth and am done eating. That alone helped the pounds drop considerably. Of course, tonight I have eaten about 15 cookies (homemade and wholesome, but still not an ideal situation), most nights however I am able to stick to it and not do copious amounts of snaking which probably saves several hundred calories per day.
I hope it's been going well so far!
[...] feed for updates from my blog.Powered by WP Greet Box WordPress PluginI wrote a few days ago about wanting to be myself again and getting back into shape in 2010. I’m a very goal oriented person and while I don’t [...]
I gained what I consider to be an excessive amount with my second child. I feel uncomfortable--and it isn't just about what is in the mirror, it is also the day to day wear and tear on my body of carrying around the extra weight. I need to find time for me and get motivated...I've always been active but I've never been into exercise and many of the things I used to enjoy are a little tougher to coordinate now that I have young ones.
Update: Since I wrote this post six months ago, I've lost 20 lbs and I feel much better.
Thanks for being so honest with your journey here, Annie. I've found myself in the same situation since weaning my youngest child (2), and I just want to be at *my* optimal fitness again--and it's not about being a particular weight or size but about being at the size that is right for *my* body. I'm working at it, and it's nice to be able to read accounts like yours that aren't obsessing about a particular number on the scales but that are honest and respectful and gentle.
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