Parenting styles on vacation
Saturday, December 26, 2009 Over the course of any given day, I get many glimpses into how other people parent their children. But those moments in time, those little peeks, are nothing compared with being in an all-inclusive child-friendly resort for a week with a ton of other families. We recently returned from a week-long vacation in Cuba. It provided both well-needed respite from snow and work, as well as an opportunity to observe different vacation parenting styles under a microscope.
The parenting styles I observed, with some creative license on the descriptions, are (note: the pics are not intended to be related to the descriptions - I'm just sharing a few of our photos with you):
Helicopter parents: These parents hover over their children and their every experience on vacation. They are always armed with hand sanitizer, life jackets and sun block, even while holding their child's hand in the just-been-cleaned ankle-deep shaded part of the baby pool. Some keep their kids securely on a harness, in a stroller, or in a high chair at all times. They take the burgers from the buffet and bring them to the grill for extra grilling. They bring bottled water, juice boxes and bed sheets from home because the ones at the resort are not good enough.
Don't bug me: Parents on vacation want a vacation too. I observed a number of different tactics used to get this while in the presence of your child. Some parents simply turn their back and ignore. They don't hear the screaming, don't notice the 2 metre high waves and red flag at the beach as their children wade in, don't notice their children pushing other kids into the pool. Some parents turn to technology to allow them a quiet lunch, peaceful plane ride, or romantic drink at the bar. This ranges from occasional strategic use of technology to pulling out personal DVD players for both children at each meal.
Helicopter parenting from the comfort of your lounge chair: One of the parenting styles I observed the most frequently was a combination of the first two. The children were on a short leash, but instead of hovering over the children, the parents screeched incessantly at them from the comfort of their lounge chairs. Get down from there. Don't go so far. Stop splashing your sister. If that didn't work, they might send a sibling over with threats of no dessert.
- I'm a kid again: Many parents carry beautiful nostalgic memories of childhood vacations filled with ice cream, sand castles, and jumping in the waves. A vacation with their kids gives them the opportunity to do it all over again. They build monstrous sand castles at the beach, get in line with the kids for treats at the snack bar, have fun playing with the clown, and eat nothing but burgers and fries all week. They are so exhausted by the end of the day that they collapse into bed at the same time as their kids and then wake up the next day to start it all over again.
Vacationing without your child: Most all inclusive resorts also have a baby club or kids club where you can leave your child for an hour or two or for the day. For older kids who want to join in and enjoy the activities, they seem like a great idea. But for the babies that get kept in a back room with a stranger, it seems to be all about what the parents want to get out of the vacation. The alternative to that is people who choose to leave their kids at home. I haven't done either myself and if I did feel the need to vacation alone with my husband, I would probably be more likely to opt for leaving them at home (not for a newborn who is physically dependent obviously) with a trusted caregiver that they know than to leave them all day with a stranger that the child doesn't know. But at such a young age, neither of the alternatives appeals to me yet. For what it is worth, I think people who are vacationing without their kids should choose a child-free resort if they don't want to be around kids at all. Don't give me a dirty look about my kids laughing and having fun just because you're paying for a babysitter at home.
Not so much a full parenting style (more of a tactic), but as a bonus I bring you:
- Cry it out on vacation? I don't know if parents who routinely use cry it out do not know how to soothe their children's cries or are just choosing to be consistent while on vacation, but on both this vacation and others I have seen (and heard) parents who seemed to be using the cry it out technique on an airplane or in a hotel. I wanted to scream "give the baby a boob, pacifier, bottle, whatever..." but I didn't and wouldn't. I just hope these parents were truly at a loss and couldn't figure out how to calm their baby down and were not choosing to subject their child and the rest of us to this on vacation.
Vacationing with your kids can be hard and it can be rewarding. Parents are out of their comfort zone and kids are outside of their regular routine. All of this can make tensions high and parents uncertain what to do or how to act. I offer these up not so much as a criticism, but as an eye-opener and thought provoker. In fact, there may be some of me in some of these descriptions, but I'm not admitting which one(s)!
If you are heading off on vacation, what type of parent do you want to be? What type of parenting will allow both you and your children to have a nice vacation? What can you do to prepare to help you and your kids relax and have fun?
Travel with Kids and tagged with cuba, parenting styles, travel, vacation 
Reader Comments (57)
Who the heck has money for vacations these days, anyway? All we ever do is drive down to see Grandma, and sometimes while we're there, she offers to watch our kids for the evening while we go out for a few hours. :D
Which is really fine. Traveling with little kids is too exhausting to be "fun," and they are mostly not going to be impressed with the whole thing anyway.
Me and my husband would probably fall into the bug-me-not school, though. (well, okay, I would fall into that school. He's the good parent, the one who builds sand castles and wrestles and stuff.)
Let 'em fight and eat sand and experience a near-drowning or two, I say. :D AND STOP BUGGING YOUR SISTER!!
I actually thought this post was light-hearted and funny and was just envious that you TOOK A VACATION! I am really wanting to travel but really not wanting to travel with a 2-year-old (well, our particular one, anyway), and really not wanting to leave him home. So, here we sit.
But...when we do travel, I tend to be more of the be-a-kid-again type, or taking advantage of handy relatives and relaxing. I love that!
I do just want to put in another word for the parents of any babies you hear screaming in hotels. We're right now dealing with nightmares each night that have our little guy up and screaming for a couple hours. I breastfeed, we turn on lights, we walk, we watch videos, we console — but it's a noisy couple hours, and I feel bad for our condo neighbors. If we were in a hotel with even thinner walls — yowch. So, while I agree that many parents may be doing CIO on vacation, some might just not be able to find anything that works, especially if the kid is overexhausted from the vacation, as our kid always gets (see above for not wanting to travel with him!).
I'm new to the blog but am curious --
My wife and I will be celebrating our 5-year anniversary in June, and at that time our twin girls will be about 18 months old. We're considering a 7-10 day vacation abroad (since we haven't really been anywhere since our honeymoon) but now that it's approaching we're starting to feel guilty about leaving the girls with grandparents. They've spent the day with them before, and mom has been away from them for 4 days at a time before (although never both of us), and they've been fine, but we're still worried. We aren't breast feeding and they don't exhibit signs of separation anxiety. I've looked for articles or educated opinions on whether there's any science that says this is a good idea ("worthwhile to allow them to learn to trust others, important to nurture your marriage, etc.") or a bad idea ("this is a critical age for their development, don't want to traumatize them, etc.") but have found few of either.
Suggestions or opinions?
@OhioDad:
Personally, I wouldn't do it. My son is five now and I think I would feel okay leaving him for a few days with my parents, but up until now I didn't think that he/we were ready for that long a separation. He has been away from me for a few days and my husband for a couple of weeks (and he was really acting out by the end of my husband's trip), but never from both of us at the same time.
Would it be possible to take the grandparents with you? We have taken my mom and/or both of my parents with us on vacation several times. It gives us extra hands to help with the kids and built in trusted babysitters if we do want to spend a day or an evening alone, without having to spend a significant amount of time away from our kids.
OhioDad,
I think that families do best making decisions that work for them and only you can know that, but I also can relate to second guessing when I thought I'd be ready to leave my children. After my first we were planning on going to a wedding across the country and would be gone for at least 3 days. When I was pregnant I thought, "No problem, baby will be six months old, grandma will be taking care of him. Perfect." As the wedding approached I started really questioning it and as it came closer I realized I wasn't comfortable with it at all. I know some people do and that works for them, but for me, I have a hard time leaving a child who does not understand that I will be coming back. It's one thing to be gone for a few hours, a day or even overnight, but to be continually gone without understanding was troubling to me.
I think if I wasn't bfing and my kids had a good relationship with grandparents I would love to consider a long weekend away with the hubby. 7-10 days? That seems like a lot.
Good luck making your decision!
I agree with Hilary - I would try a long weekend (not too far away) before doing a longer trip in another country altogether.
When my kids bring the grandkids over on vacation we have some special rules in our house. Most of these are based on the motto my wife and I kept on the refrigerator to raise our kids in the first place "There are two things of lasting value we can give our childre, the first is roots, then give them wings." (Guess who was "roots" and who was "wings".)
But basically our parenting was based on PREVENTING conflicts rather than trying to resolve them with a variety of less than successful tactics.
Whatever your parenting style, try to avoid some of the discipline/conflicts with children. One good example is toy clutter. I built this http://www.furniture-that-gets-kids-to-pick-up-toys/parenting-education.com/" rel="nofollow"> Automatic toy cabinet to avoid having the toys spread all over in the first place. This avoids the confrontation and lets us spend our time interacting on more constructive activities.
What do you think?