Friday
Dec182009
Why I Don't Spank
Friday, December 18, 2009
I'm taking a little bloggy vacation this week and letting you all be entertained by some of my favourite bloggers. This is a post by fellow Canadian blogger Amber from Strocel.com. She is the Queen of commenting on other people's blogs, so please show her some comment love here and on her blog.
Before I had children I had some very specific ideas about discipline. When I saw unruly kids in the grocery store I was dead convinced it was all because of poor parenting. Certainly, if I set up a strong system of rewards and punishments my own children would never run in the aisles or have a temper tantrum over a box of fruit snacks. All it took was a firm and consistent hand, right?
Um, wrong. Having actual children of my own, to no one's surprise, changed my point of view considerably. It turns out that children are people too, and they have their own personalities. Personalities that may or may not respond in the way you expect them to. In fact, it's pretty certain that they will not respond in the way you expect them to, kids are fun that way. All of the tools and tricks and firm-but-fair rules in the world will not change that. Which is how I found myself with
two largely unreasonable little people on my hands, flying blind.
The one thing that I held to, through the trials and the tribulations and the nights when I had no idea at all of how to respond, was that I didn't want to hit my children. It just isn't for me. In the time and place that I grew up spanking was commonplace. While the methods varied, some type of corporal punishment was practiced in pretty much every home that I visited. And while I think that my peers and I generally grew into well-adjusted adults all the same, I don't choose to repeat it.
Life with kids is not all sunshine and roses, as it turns out
Why not? If I was spanked and I am 'just fine', why wouldn't I spank my own kids? There are a few reasons. The biggest, for me, is that I don't trust myself to use corporal punishment in a manner that is free of anger. Let's face it, kids can really push our buttons. I have had moments in parenting where I have felt as angry as I have ever felt in my entire life. If I had hit my child at that moment, I do not believe that I could have done so in a measured and controlled manner.
Even beyond my own emotions, though, I see some good reasons not to spank. I am trying to teach my children not to use strength or violence to get their way. I say, "Use your words," a lot when I'm dealing with two kids and one toy. If I resorted to physical punishment I think it would confuse my message, and set an example that maybe hitting is OK, at least some of the time. And, in the long run, I don't believe that spanking would work in the way I'd want it to. If, for example, my toddler were to run into traffic, spanking him might stop the behaviour for the moment. I don't think that he would develop better judgment and be safe in the street because of it, though.
Thankfully, most of the time, the good outweighs the bad
I am not taking some rogue position, either. The Canadian Pediatric Society and the American Academy of Pediatrics both recommend strongly against spanking. The country of Sweden outlawed all corporal punishment 30 years ago, in 1979. As of last March, 24 countries have enacted bans on corporal punishment of any kind. And children in foster care here in British Columbia (and in most jurisdictions) are not allowed to be subjected to corporal punishment. There is a strong consensus amongst experts in child development that spanking is harmful to children.
If I don't spank, what do I do? That is really a whole other topic for another day. However, I will say this much - it is absolutely possible to teach your children how to behave without resorting to physical punishment. I would not hold myself and my children up as an example, but I do believe that I have some pretty normal kids. They are learning and growing all the time, and can generally be taken out in public. Steering clear of hitting has not turned them into monsters who run roughshod over their parents and the world at large.
I still don't have all the answers when it comes to parenting, far from it. I continue to learn and grow along with my children, and together we figure a lot of it out. I make mistakes, certainly. But I am glad that I know what my personal boundaries and limits are. At the end of the day, my kids and I have to live with my parenting choices in a very real way. For me, it is very important that I am comfortable with the choices I make. Or, at least as comfortable as is humanly possible. So, while I might not always be the parent I would hope to be, I know that I will not resort to spanking in any situation.
Amber (@AmberStrocel) lives in Metro Vancouver with her husband and 2 kids, Hannah and Jacob. You can find read about her regular adventures on her blog at Strocel.com. She is currently an at-home mom dreaming big, and working to re-create her life following a lay-off.
Before I had children I had some very specific ideas about discipline. When I saw unruly kids in the grocery store I was dead convinced it was all because of poor parenting. Certainly, if I set up a strong system of rewards and punishments my own children would never run in the aisles or have a temper tantrum over a box of fruit snacks. All it took was a firm and consistent hand, right?
Um, wrong. Having actual children of my own, to no one's surprise, changed my point of view considerably. It turns out that children are people too, and they have their own personalities. Personalities that may or may not respond in the way you expect them to. In fact, it's pretty certain that they will not respond in the way you expect them to, kids are fun that way. All of the tools and tricks and firm-but-fair rules in the world will not change that. Which is how I found myself with
two largely unreasonable little people on my hands, flying blind.
The one thing that I held to, through the trials and the tribulations and the nights when I had no idea at all of how to respond, was that I didn't want to hit my children. It just isn't for me. In the time and place that I grew up spanking was commonplace. While the methods varied, some type of corporal punishment was practiced in pretty much every home that I visited. And while I think that my peers and I generally grew into well-adjusted adults all the same, I don't choose to repeat it.
Life with kids is not all sunshine and roses, as it turns out
Why not? If I was spanked and I am 'just fine', why wouldn't I spank my own kids? There are a few reasons. The biggest, for me, is that I don't trust myself to use corporal punishment in a manner that is free of anger. Let's face it, kids can really push our buttons. I have had moments in parenting where I have felt as angry as I have ever felt in my entire life. If I had hit my child at that moment, I do not believe that I could have done so in a measured and controlled manner.
Even beyond my own emotions, though, I see some good reasons not to spank. I am trying to teach my children not to use strength or violence to get their way. I say, "Use your words," a lot when I'm dealing with two kids and one toy. If I resorted to physical punishment I think it would confuse my message, and set an example that maybe hitting is OK, at least some of the time. And, in the long run, I don't believe that spanking would work in the way I'd want it to. If, for example, my toddler were to run into traffic, spanking him might stop the behaviour for the moment. I don't think that he would develop better judgment and be safe in the street because of it, though.
Thankfully, most of the time, the good outweighs the bad
I am not taking some rogue position, either. The Canadian Pediatric Society and the American Academy of Pediatrics both recommend strongly against spanking. The country of Sweden outlawed all corporal punishment 30 years ago, in 1979. As of last March, 24 countries have enacted bans on corporal punishment of any kind. And children in foster care here in British Columbia (and in most jurisdictions) are not allowed to be subjected to corporal punishment. There is a strong consensus amongst experts in child development that spanking is harmful to children.
If I don't spank, what do I do? That is really a whole other topic for another day. However, I will say this much - it is absolutely possible to teach your children how to behave without resorting to physical punishment. I would not hold myself and my children up as an example, but I do believe that I have some pretty normal kids. They are learning and growing all the time, and can generally be taken out in public. Steering clear of hitting has not turned them into monsters who run roughshod over their parents and the world at large.
I still don't have all the answers when it comes to parenting, far from it. I continue to learn and grow along with my children, and together we figure a lot of it out. I make mistakes, certainly. But I am glad that I know what my personal boundaries and limits are. At the end of the day, my kids and I have to live with my parenting choices in a very real way. For me, it is very important that I am comfortable with the choices I make. Or, at least as comfortable as is humanly possible. So, while I might not always be the parent I would hope to be, I know that I will not resort to spanking in any situation.
Amber (@AmberStrocel) lives in Metro Vancouver with her husband and 2 kids, Hannah and Jacob. You can find read about her regular adventures on her blog at Strocel.com. She is currently an at-home mom dreaming big, and working to re-create her life following a lay-off.
Reader Comments (38)
That's pretty much exactly why we don't spank or hit our kids. I love how you have worded it. I have a temper, and I never want to be out of control with my kids in THAT way. An incident from yesterday is a good example. The baby was crying in her bouncy seat as I finished up some laundry. I was already frustrated when I went to pick her up, because I really needed to get a few things done and she was screeching at me. Once I was sitting down about to nurse the baby, Suzi (2 1/2) walked over to the bouncy seat, which did not at the time have the activity bar on it, and stuck a small clay snowman I'd made into the hole where the bar attaches. She wasn't supposed to be playing with it. When I tried to pull the snowman out, the hat came off and stayed in the hole. I screamed and yelled and I'm not proud of that, but I am proud of my decision never to hit my children because that's just the kind of situation in which it could get out of hand. Mom is stressed and tired, and child unwittingly pushes buttons. I don't think any child should have to worry about whether or not they're going to be hit, even when they've done something wrong. Childhood should be happy and as carefree as possible. I can't understand why children aren't treated with just as much respect as adults. Most adults, for example, wouldn't want to be pulled from their cars on the side of the road and beaten by a police officer for speeding. While it would probably be extremely effective in getting people to slow down, it would be scary and humiliating and that's probably why it isn't done.
When I am angry I try to "use my words" too because I don't trust that I could hold in my anger if I hit them. Getting physical seems to me to be a slippery slope. Once you start, where do you stop?
Thanks for the great post! You said it much better than I could. I'm so surprised that when I say to people, "We choose not to spank," they often say, "What *do* you do?" Many of these people are not regular spankers. They use it for particular reasons in certain situations. In the rest of their interactions with their kids, they do other things like distraction, removal from a situation, talking about it, etc. The difference is they have times when they choose to spank whereas I don't. I still do many of the same things they do.
I completely agree - I could have written this myself, except not so eloquently. I feel the same about spanking - it is too easy to do it in anger instead of disciplining to teach. And I like your words about children being people too and having their own personalities, which I think is all to often forgotten (unless you happen to have some very strong-willed children, like I do).
Very well said, and sums up for me also why we decided together not to spank before our first child was born. I have a 6-year-old who's fairly compliant and sunny by nature, and to be honest, it wouldn't have arisen much anyway; her behaviour is so textbook, people are always amazed that we don't use any punitive form of discipline with her. They think we are SuperParents ... until they meet the charming, strong-willed, LOUD, pugnacious and completely different Miss 4! With the 4-year-old, our decision not to spank has been even more important, as she is a button-pusher extraordinaire but is also a very cuddly, physically affectionate and loving little girl. I believe that for her, had we been smackers, the physical discipline would have been experienced as a lack of love (given that she mostly expresses & receives love through physical touch).
I should have added, the lack of faith in our own tempers was a key rationale for us in not smacking. And we do our share of yelling, more than we'd like, but we're only human. We try to rely on time-outs, withdrawal of privileges and explanations in helping our kids learn how to behave. But sometimes we get cross, and tired, and we bellow at them instead. Not proud if it, but all the gladder that smacking is off the table at these times.
I'm in the raincity too! Before I had kids, I didn't think I'd breastfeed past six months, wasn't fussed either way about circumcision, and thought spanking in certain situations was ok. Now that I have met my tiny responsibility, I am adamantly against circumcision, will breastfeed until Jack is done and the thought of hitting his precious body is abhorrent. I will choose other methods of discipline, ones that don't disrespect the autonomy of his body, and ones which I can safely practice when I'm losing my nut over the inevitable disobedience.
My temper and lack of patience are the reasons why I don't plan to spank my little guy. But I am wondering if you feel the same way about any form of physical discipline (not necessarily punishment) - e.g. physically restraining, swatting a hand away from danger, etc.? I *think* I don't have a problem with that.
@natalieushka I have physically restrained my children, especially in situations where I felt it was of imminent necessity (think a 2-year-old in a parking lot). But I wouldn't call that physical discipline, since the intention isn't to discipline but to prevent danger. As for swatting a hand away, that has never come up and I don't think I would do it. So I suppose my answer is that I wouldn't engage in physical discipline, but I would use physical tactics in certain situations where I didn't see an alternative, especially for reasons of safety.
My purpose here is not so much to present myself as a parenting expert, as to share a decision I've made and why. We are all different people with different families, and one size may not fit all.
I couldn't agree more.
Aside from the many studies that show spanking is a horrible way to discipline your children, take a second to remember being spanked. Or remember, like I do, your siblings being spanked. That's even worse. :(
I agree 100%. Neither my husband nor I have any desire to ever use spanking with our kids. Neither of our parents ever used it with us, and we turned out fine, too. There are so many other ways to deal with "problem" behaviors.... and the anger thing is a big one, too. I know I have at times been guilty of, say, grabbing my toddler's arm a little too hard when I am upset. I am not proud of those moments. I hate to think what might happen if I actually allowed myself to strike him.
Thank you for writing this, and for putting it so eloquently. I think I will have to save this post for future reference, and to send to others as well when they challenge my position on spanking.
I'm just going to throw in a curve ball. I agree with all you have said about spanking (or smacking as we tend to call it in the UK). But there is one thing that clouds the issue for me, and that is that every other large mammal that I know of uses some physical methods to discipline its young. I'm just talking about things like a gentle swat if a baby animal goes too far with its rough play, for example. OK, so we have language and they don't. Is it language that makes all the difference, and means that we have evolved beyond the use of violence?
Yes! Agree. No spanking.
I try (not always successfully) not to make *any* parenting decisions out of anger, including all forms of discipline. I find myself wanting to blurt something out some threat when I'm angry and most times what wants to come out in a moment of anger not very useful or helpful.
Very well written post. Very well thought out reasoning on the spanking, and I think the most telling part is your concern for being able to control your anger in one of those situations where a child has done something which sets you off (internally at least). I'm a very "still waters" personality and it takes quite a bit to upset me and even then I'm fairly quick to calm down so the seething anger issue has only reared it's head a couple times in my 14 years as a parent (age of my oldest child).
I think that the issue with spanking is that some people don't use it as a last resort. It shouldn't even be used with toddlers or children who are too young to comprehend actions/consequences. I do believe in corporal punishment myself, but I am also a firm believer in communication/discipline. If it comes to corporal punishment in my home, it is only after very clear instruction has been given and a pattern of willful defiance has been set by the little ones. Fortunately I have children who have always been fairly compliant and only went through some brief stages where their behavior was out of line on a regular basis. I've always sought to give appropriate punishments whose purpose was to change behavior, but more importantly I've also understood the difference between punitive actions and discipline. I think that if more parents understood the difference between discipline and punishment that there wouldn't be such an issue as there is in our culture with spanking or swatting. Anywho, just my .02 off the top of my head as I read this post and the comments below it.
@Cave Mother: I know what you mean. I have thought the same thing about weaning - other mammals that I've seen just cut their young off one day. I prefer a gentle approach, but I recognize that throughout evolution and even human history spanking and abrupt weaning may have been the norm. But there are many other things that other mammals, or our human ancestors did, that we do not. As I said, I don't feel that I personally was unduly harmed by being spanked, but I am a different parent with different kids and so all I can do is make the best decisions for my family here and now.
@Cave Mother: I think you just came up with a good example of why the whole "the way things are done in nature must be the best way for us to do them" argument doesn't work. ;-)
@Cave Mother:
I think language is part of it, but higher reasoning is another part. I want to (and can) teach my children to think about why to do or not to do something. I don't need to use fear of physical violence to teach them to act appropriately.
@FamilyNature:
Me too. But it is tough. The situations that make me the most angry are the ones where it is most important that I act appropriately and where it is most unlikely that I will come up with the best response.
I agree with what you have written here, Amber. In fact, I actually wrote a very similar post back in September: http://metropolitanmama.net/2009/09/7-reasons-we-dont-spank/.
Thanks for sharing your research, your reasons, and your reflections on this topic. I appreciate your eloquent way of writing (and your corresponding photos are so fun too!).
Love your photos. I have to say that I'm in the minority here; in that I don't necessarily agree.
I've read a lot of research on the topic, including the rational by the various pediatric societies. I get where it's coming from. I haven't had any reason to spank my child - yet. I don't know that it's a method of punishment that I would use. My parents were spankers though, and not only do I feel that I was not harmed by it; frankly it was one of the only effective punishments for me and my brother growing up. (He doesn't feel harmed either). It was always a punishment of last resort.
I think the big difference was that we were never, ever spanked in the heat of the moment. My parents would wait until they were completely calm before administering the spanking, which was done ceremoniously with a very large wooden spoon. Waiting for your spanking was definitely the worst part. I don't recall the spanking actually hurting - the punishment was mainly psychological. My parents always coupled the spank with a talk about why it was happening, and usually with tears in their eyes. The child was then expected to apologize and make restitution as best as we were able. My parents always assured us of their love immediately after the spanking.
The few times my parents lost their tempers and yelled at us though? THAT left scars. I'm absolutely convinced that yelling is just as harmful as spanking-in-the-heat-of-the-moment. I don't think either are acceptable.
I hear what you are saying about different strategies for different personalities. I hear what people are saying about mixed messages. But I just can't bring myself to condemn people who choose to spank-not-in-the-heat-of-the-moment (ie discipline is not an excuse to lose your temper). Some kids ARE very physical in the way that they interpret the world, and spanking sends a much clearer and easier to understand message than a lot of arguing, words and disappointed words.
I was a spanker, now I'm not. Specifically because, as you said, "I don’t trust myself to use corporal punishment in a manner that is free of anger." I can remember every time I hit my child with anger behind it and I'm ashamed of it.
But I'm also proud of myself for changing and learning and working very hard to be a better parent. And by that I mean learning and using other techniques and not resorting to angry spanking.
Great post. I don't want to hit my child, either. Do you have any book suggestions for parenting without spanking?
@Tiffany:
I have a number of discipline book suggestions in http://www.phdinparenting.com/my-parenting-library/" rel="nofollow">My Parenting Library.
@Cavemother I too have considered that point. Which is my reasoning for using properly and calmly administered hand-smacking on my 13.5 month old. Obviously, we as humans do have that capacity for higher reasoning as phd points out. And we should use that to teach our children. But at her age, she can't yet respond to that type of reasoning- she can't think about why it's a bad idea...she is more like the baby animal going too far in play. So when she reaches for things that are dangerous, etc., I smack her little hand to help her learn that boundary. And I do it very promptly, as she reaches, so that she associates the smack with the questionable item. If you wait any amount of time, even a minute, then that association is lost and then your child really will believe that you just smack them at random-because you basically did. I'm not willy-nilly beating her in anger- I'm teaching her to protect her. Yes, I watch over her, but I'm simply not Super Man; one day she will be near an uncovered electrical outlet with nobody watching, so I want her to think very bad thoughts about them! As she gets older and able to understand, then we can shift to reasoning about these issues.
@Jennifer: But aren't you also teaching her at the same time that it is appropriate to smack someone if they do something you don't want them to do?
Some very good points, but I choose not to spank because I believe it is wrong. Not because I don't trust myself, not because experts recommend against it, but because I believe it is unethical.
My parents spanked me occasionally and I can't remember what I had done to incur their wrath. All I do remember is terror, anger and resentment. Clearly, spanking didn't teach me any valuable lessons so why would I inflict that same terror, anger and resentment on my own child?
It always astounds me that our society will put a person in prison for hitting another adult, but hitting an innocent, vulnerable child is ok.
I completely agree that verbal violence is just as bad as physical violence. However, a child that is "very physical" does not necessarily need physical retribution! Children are still learning how to live in our world and the very act of hitting teaches them so many terrible lessons: Might makes right. Violence is ok if you're angry (or in your case, calm and methodical). When words won't suffice, or we're just too lazy to bother with words, we can use violence.
There are already far too many adults who believe the above and have made the world a worse place for it. I'm not going to turn my son into yet another.
And yet, I was spanked and I don't remember any "terror." I do remember anger and resentment but I also do remember why I was spanked when I was young and that it did correct the behavior. My parents weren't into corporal punishment all that much and my father would literally talk to us and analyze and pontificate for hours, in which case I actually remember thinking, "Gosh, I wish he would just spank us and get this over with!"
That said, I think every child is different and while it quite obviously was psychologically damaging for you, based on my own experience I can't make that same blanket assessment for every child and our society. When it comes to raising children, there is no "one size fits all" idea or methodology. Instead it's like a buffet, you put what looks good on your plate and leave the rest alone. If you as a parent don't believe in spanking and you are blessed with children with compliant dispositions, awesome! If you do believe in it and use it wisely and appropriately, I won't judge you for that either and reduce you to some socially devolved Cro-Magnon.
Kathy you have my situation. My 9 year old was a very easy child and rarely needed to be disciplined. My husband is a social worker and deals with children. We both agreed spanking was not in our tools. Now we have a very spirited 5 year old. Her tantrums and more demanding independent nature was much tougher to manage but we still don't spank. It's not easy, but it is our choice.
I can not see how showing violence to your child is the best way to discipline. I try not to raise my voice, so when I do that has proven fairly effective.
Here at Smart Start, we support positive discipline techniques for correcting children.
We don't believe in spanking or hitting. I definitely agree that with how angry a child can make their parent, it would be terrible to hit them in the heat of the moment because it would probably not be "just a little smack."
And I love Kat's point about the fact that it is ILLEGAL to hit another adult in any way...and yet we *discuss* and *analyze* whether or not we do/should hit our CHILDREN. How strange and dysfunctional as a society, right?
Although, the truth is, if you could show me that spanking kids made them better behaved children and happier, more well-adjusted, successful adults, I suppose I would consider it. HOWEVER, the families I know that smack or spank their kids, well, let's just say I pray my kids don't turn out like theirs. I'm sorry to say it, because some of them I do love, but their children's (and grown children's) behavior is pretty horrendous. I have even had some of them tell me I should try spanking or smacking my kids. Um, my 2.5-year-old consistently uses please and thank you, follows my instructions, etc, and if he does something wrong he sits in Time Out and then apologizes and turns his attitude/actions around afterward. The kids I know you get spanked/smacked are disrespectful to their parents, full of anger/hate, etc. So, why exactly would I follow their lead?
Listen, I'm not saying everyone who gets spanked still behaves poorly, but I have seen enough first-hand evidence to prove to me that, at the very least, every child who gets spanked is not well-behaved.
I know I started rambling, so I hope I am still making sense! :-)
I agree - it surprises me that hitting children is OK and hitting adults is not OK. It's an example of how we don't view children as people with full rights in our society.
I think this is a great post. I don't hit my son because I believe violence teaches vialence. My son hits and bites and kicks other toddlers at his preschool. They all seem to get into it. And, I am teaching him to restrain his impulses. How can he do that if I am not helping to model the very same behaviors?
In addition, I was smacked and spanked by my mother. It simply wasn't a deterrant. I also went to a school where corporal punishment was legal. I got in trouble quite a bit and could choose the paddle or detention. I always chose the paddle. Sure, those 3 swats hurt, but they were over in 1 minute and I was free to go on my merry way. Did I become a better kid? Not even close! I just became more adept at breaking the rules.
i agree
[...] other parenting choices, too. I’m sure that I would hear all kinds of thoughts on spanking or not spanking, homeschooling or co-sleeping if I polled the people in the bank line-up. But I don’t [...]
[...] I don’t normally post on Sunday, but my friend Zoie is running a sort of impromptu carnival for International Spank Out Day and I decided to take part. Which ends up being confusing, because today is my anniversary and I wrote about that yesterday, and yesterday was Spank Out Day and I’m writing about it today. But I’m doing the best I can, so let’s all just run with it. This particular post originally appeared over at PhD in Parenting. [...]
Any men that don't believe in that, besides me? I hate that only women save the day. Then you call us men pigs. And I can't blame you.