Tuesday
Nov242009
Would you satisfy my curiosity? Transition from crib to big kid bed
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
In light of the massive crib recall, there were a lot of concerned parents on twitter today wondering where their baby should sleep while they wait who knows how long for the repair kit to make their crib safe again.
As a non-crib user, I threw out a few suggestions to people (not intended as prescriptive, but more as "thinking outside the crib"):
On the second point, I had a number of people respond that they need their baby contained or that their baby would just get up out of bed if they did that. As someone who parents my children to sleep stays with my children while they fall asleep, this was foreign to me.
But it got me wondering:
Everyone tells people who parent to sleep start out staying with their kids while they fall asleep that their kids will never learn to go to sleep on their own. I won't pretend that it is easy. But to me, it seems like it would be easier to go from being parented to sleep to not being parented to sleep having a parent in the room to not having a parent in the room than it would to go from being confined to sleep to not being confined to sleep.
Educate me.
As a non-crib user, I threw out a few suggestions to people (not intended as prescriptive, but more as "thinking outside the crib"):
- I said that if they are considering co-sleeping, they should read up about co-sleeping safety first to ensure that they are creating the safest sleep environment possible.
- I also suggested that for babies over 12 months, parents may want to consider transitioning them to a big kid bed.
On the second point, I had a number of people respond that they need their baby contained or that their baby would just get up out of bed if they did that. As someone who parents my children to sleep stays with my children while they fall asleep, this was foreign to me.
But it got me wondering:
- How do parents transition their kids from the confined space of a crib to a big kid bed?
- Is it a difficult transition?
- When and how does this happen?
Everyone tells people who parent to sleep start out staying with their kids while they fall asleep that their kids will never learn to go to sleep on their own. I won't pretend that it is easy. But to me, it seems like it would be easier to go from being parented to sleep to not being parented to sleep having a parent in the room to not having a parent in the room than it would to go from being confined to sleep to not being confined to sleep.
Educate me.
Reader Comments (90)
Both my kids are great sleepers, at night and during the day. I transitioned my first son to a regular bed when he was two and a half. We never had a problem with it. Until then, he just really seemed to enjoy his crib. We only moved him over to get the crib ready for the baby. My kids both snuggle around in their beds quietly a bit before sleeping. The 12-month-old would definitely wander around and play, and I wouldn't feel at all safe with him doing that for probably another 8-12 months.
I'm actually not familiar with the term parenting to sleep.
@Maria: "Parenting to sleep" means that the parents stay with the child until they fall asleep. Sometimes involves nursing, sometimes rocking, sometimes lying in bed with them, sometimes just sitting in their room. There are lots of variations, but the idea is that the parent is present while the child goes to sleep.
We have always parented to sleep. M went to a big boy bed (toddler bed) when he was about 1.5 or 2 I think. For a long time he still nursed to sleep. If he woke in the night I would snuggle on the floor next to him and hold his hand. Once he weaned, we moved to doing books before bed. I would then lay down beside his bed for a little while and then leave while he was awake. Then we got to where I would just read the book, tuck him in and leave. He was putting himself to sleep. A couple months ago he started to not be able to put himself to sleep alone anymore (this past year has had a lot of changes and such). So, now, after books, I tuck him in and then sit in the rocker in his room and use this time for my blogging. I leave after he is asleep. He will get comfortable enough to go to sleep on his own one day. If he wakes in the middle of the night now, I gently walk him back to bed and tuck him in and leave, or invite him into our bed if it is near morning. This happens every night as some point.
Letting him cry alone in his own room has never been an option for us. I won't lie, there were some really hard times for a while here and there. Nights where I couldn't leave the room because he seemed to have a sensor on me. Now, I know that he needed me closer and I should have just co-slept more. But, we were learning.
We transitioned my older daughter to a big girl bed when she was 22mo. It was out of necessity since her sister was due to arrive in 2 months and I'd be needing the crib (well, as it turned out not right away as I ended up co-sleepng with my youngest for about 6 months). She could easily climb in and out of her crib so it made sense to put her in a big girl bed (safer too).
We also moved her into a new bedroom and I think that helped her feel like this was a super special thing. I'd heard horror stories about transitioning to the bed but she was fabulous. Once we put her to bed and read her to sleep she stayed put. If she happened to wake in the middle of the night she didn't climb out of bed and explore.
Now at 3 1/2 she goes to sleep on her own. My husband reads books to her and once I put her sister to bed I go and lie down with her for 5-10 min. I always leave before she has fallen asleep and she never gets out of bed. We've been lucky.
I'm still waiting to see how my younger one will deal with the transitioning but I think I have a few months before that happens. We'll probably consider it once she can climb out of the crib on her own
Ah thank you for clarifying.
The phrasing of that seems imply that not being present as a child falls asleep is failing to parent them. That makes me kind of sad.
Maria, it's a term from the Dr. Sears books. In my opinion, it has just referred to meeting your child's needs as they go to bed/fall asleep. Staying with them until they're asleep would only be something you would do if they can't/won't fall asleep on their own. (my take.)
We also parent to sleep, so I have no clue either. We are currently suffering a crib setback in that our 15 month old recently decided he is having no part of sleeping in his own room anymore. He will only co-sleep with us and otherwise screams until we relent. I can't do "cry it out" as he just wins. Believe me my current record is him screaming for 3 hours and I will never try again. He was so upset and shaking it just isn't worth it. He sleeps like a charm if he is in bed with us, but I dread the transition to a big kid bed. Hoping it just comes natural! Maybe we will get a gift on that one, since nothing else with sleep has ever come easily with this one.
@Boy Crazy: My interpretation of the term would be that when your child can/does fall asleep on their own, they have outgrown parenting to sleep. It happens earlier with some kids and later with others.
All three of my boys slept with us as babies. The first two, we were able to put down in our bed early in the night and we would join them. Our third was mobile really young, and our bed was up on a frame instead of a mattress on the floor like before, so he goes down in a crib, then joins us when he wakes at midnight. For the first two, we moved them to their own mattress on the floor (in a room across the hall) when they were just over 1. We laid with them until they were asleep until they were about 2 years old, then they would lay in bed and go to sleep while listening to music. Our third is almost one, and he will stay in the crib/our bed. He sucks his thumb to sleep, so we put him in the crib as he's fading into sleep. If he wakes, we'll keep bringing him in with us because we finally have a king size bed and there's plenty of room. :)
@Maria: Not at all. Assuming the child does go to sleep fairly happily, I don't think it is failing to parent them. I think they have just outgrown the need for parental presence at bedtime.
Well, as someone who HAS to let her kid go to sleep by himself... I can't imagine doing it the other way! Even when he was quite small he would "talk" himself to sleep. Some days it can take over an hour. If we are with him he is just distracted.
The transition from crib to big kid bed wasn't that hard actually, he continues to talk himself to sleep and only many months later has he discovered that he can "stall" by getting up. However, he hates to have his door closed all the way so if he keeps getting up we just say "if you get up again we will close the door" and the threat of that is usually sufficient to keep him in bed.
He moved to a big kid bed at 2 when he figured out how to climb out of his crib. He's now 2 and 9 months.
I transitioned my daughter at 14 months into a toddler bed. I did it early because she had never liked the cot anyway, and I figured she might get a better night sleep. The first night in the toddler bed was the first night she slept through. When she was getting used to it she did fall out a couple of times in the first week but as it was a toddler bed and low to the floor it was more of a shock than anything else.
For the first couple of months she didn't work out that she could get out of bed and I was dreading when she worked out that she could. In the end it wasn't that bad. At first she thought the whole getting out of bed thing was a bit of a game and would run down the hallway giggling like a mad thing and I would try my best not to laugh (and fail miserably). But it didn't take long for her to get the idea that it was time for bed as long as I was consistent with putting her back in. Although I didn't actually have to put her back in - she would back down the hallway (also giggling) and climb back into bed on her own.
She doesn't wake up much in the middle of the night unless she's teething or had a bad dream etc and when she does, she knows where I am and she just comes into our room to get in the big bed. And when that happens she just sleeps with us for the rest of the night and I don't bother trying to put her back in her own bed. I enjoy a snuggle or two.
I coslept with my boys for 6 months, using the Arm's Reach cosleeper. With both boys I nursed for 2 years or more so we did use nursing at bedtime to help them get to sleep. I transitioned them to the crib gradually, just for part of the night at first. This was primarily for safety reasons, once they were sitting up to get them into a crib before they would be pulling up or crawling. I did not want to go to bed early with the baby but did not want to leave them alone in the cosleeper once they were mobile. Also, at that point I would notice that they would wake up when I had to get up to the bathroom but would sleep longer in the crib since I wasn't disturbing them. And I was just so tired.
For my first child it was more difficult. I found I had to transition him from breast to pacifier before placing him in the crib. They both used the crib until at least age 3. I didn't really have any problems transitioning them to beds. For my older one I used a visual timer and told him to get up when the timer lights were all off. It uses 3 colored lights so if he wakes up early he knew whether or not it was almost time to get up by what color light was on. For my younger son, I ended up keeping him in the crib a little longer. Once he went to a toddler bed, he was sleeping through the night quite well so he would just get up and crawl into bed with me in the morning. Oh, and when my younger son weaned himself, we replaced the bedtime nursing with reading a story in the rocker. He didn't fall asleep, I think I told him it was time to "go see bunny." He sucked his thumb, too, so he sort of had a built in comfort system. Now he is 5 and I just need to tuck him in and give lots of hugs and kisses. They are both good about not getting me up too early which is great because Mommy is a night owl. I don't put them to bed super early though, usually between 8:30 and 9.
We just went through this a few months ago with my son. He is 21 months now, was about 18 months when we moved him out of his crib. I was afraid that it would be a nightmare, but it actually has not been that bad at all.
As a baby he spent the first 3 months in a moses basket beside my bed. After that we moved him to his own room, but on a Montessori-style floor bed. We baby-proofed his room, put a baby gate across the door, and he slept on a thin (2in) twin-sized mattress placed on the floor. This worked out really well for several months, and I think we would've stuck to it except that right at 7 months old we moved internationally and he spent about 2 months sleeping in a pack-n-play (since couldn't babyproof). Those 2 months combined with his new-found mobility meant he was having a really hard time transitioning back to the freedom of the mattress... but I now wonder if he would've adjusted if I'd had more patience and tried to do what we did these past few months. At the time I was stressed and overwhelmed with the move and putting him in a confined crib/playpen (where he went to sleep easily, quickly, and entirely without help) just seemed a lot easier than dealing with a child who cried and constantly crawled off the bed to attempt pulling up *yet again.* So at 9/10 months old we got him an Ikea crib-- I really liked it b/c it was very low to the ground, and one of my biggest apprehensions about cribs is kids climbing out and falling onto the floor (am amazed people treat that as a "routine" occurence, I mean REALLY? Isn't it shocking and scary as hell???).
Over this past summer I started wondering about moving him back to a big bed for a number of reasons-- 1) he was getting better at climbing and I worried about him climbing out 9and the Ikea crib rails came up much higher than most cribs do-- we tried putting him in a crib at my mom's at 17 months and there was just no way- he would've climbed out so easily, the rails barely came up to his chest), 2) he seemed so grown up to me, walking and starting to talk, etc, that it seemed odd to keep him in a "baby" bed.
His crib had the option to take off one of the side rails, so that's what we did at first. After 2-3 weeks of that, we took apart the entire crib and put him back on the mattress he'd slept on as a baby. With both of these transitions he at first had trouble staying in bed, but one of us would sit next to him and that way he'd stay put. At first we had to sit with him for up to an hour or sometimes more, but after a week or so it got to be only 15-20 minutes. We started slowly sitting further and further away, and now about 80-90% of the time we just go through the bedtime routine and then he goes to sleep on his own without me needing to stay, without a fuss. It's pretty wonderful.
We've tried to keep his room as safe as possible (knowing him and his abilities), and we still keep a baby-gate across his doorway so he can't get out and wander about without us knowing it. So far this set-up has worked really well. Even better, he recently figured out how to turn on his light in his room and has started playing quietly for a few minutes in the morning before needing to wake us. That alone I think is a very nice perk of being in a bed without the confinement of a crib. ; ) It's also really nice that I can lay down next to him at night if he really needs comforting, whereas in the crib that was really difficult/uncomfortable. I still can't ever seem to fall asleep or have any sort of quality sleep if I'm laying next to him, but at least I'm more comfortable while awake in the middle of the night.
**If you don't mind me hijacking your comment section for a minute (um... too late?) I have a question I've always wondered about co-sleeping: what do you do when your kiddo becomes mobile? Meaning, how do you make sure they don't roll/crawl off the bed and fall to the floor? (something my kamikazi baby seemed intent on doing while awake and playing on our bed) Do you lower your mattress to the floor? Do you go to bed when they do (night & naps)? Install safety rails on all sides? Thanks. =)
Hi there, I have to comment... as soon as we saw the recall on the news my husband said to me: and "they" are always on about the dangers of co-sleeping!!! We have a family bed, two futons very close to the floor, we love that as soon as our kids wake up they can get up and take themselves off to play... Our house is safe for them to play in while I live along side them all day... and sometimes I do leave the room and answer the phone or they wander off when I am cooking... I don't watch them every second of every day... Our house has to be safe enough for them when I am not watching them every second... There are some spots that I wouldn't like a climbing toddler to be and we just close those doors - but that would be during the day as well!!! If we had stairs for instance we would pop a gate there but that would be day and night... I guess there is no difference in our parenting during the day or night... you have to be sure they are safe wether you are awake or asleep... When our first child was an infant we attended a first aid course and there advice about baby-proofing a house was quite simple: Imagine of your front door blew shut and you were locked out and your toddler within (horrifying but possible) then what would you change?...
I had Frac when Fric was 13 months old. He was a big baby and in a few short months he no longer fit in the cradle we had and it wasn't feasible for us to co-sleep in our situation. So my husband and I had to make a tough choice, which basically involved kicking our sixteen month old daughter out of her crib. We went with a mattress on the floor because I was concerned with her falling out of a bed and we couldn't afford to buy a toddler bed and then upgrade to a regular size bed.
The mattress on the floor worked, she loved it and yes, she did get out of bed. And I chased her back into bed. After a few nights of this she learned to stay in her bed and go to sleep.
It wasn't a big deal and no one was scarred in the process. Except for maybe the family cat because Fric was no longer imprisoned in her crib and could chase him around freely.
With my oldest we co-slept with a convertible crib - one of the ones that goes from crib to toddler bed to full-sized bed. For the first year it was in a side-car position on my side of the bed and once she was mobile we dropped it down to the toddler bed level so she was sleeping lower than us and I could block her from climbing out without waking me with my body. That was a new parent worry I left behind in her babyhood.
Some time after a year we pushed the crib (now a toddler bed) against the wall on my side of the room and there was about 3 feet between the edge of her bed and my bed. I did a lot of laying down with her in that little bed. She slept with us that way until she was probably 2.5 yo at which point we got out the big kid bed and I again did a lot of sleeping with her in that room on the big kid bed. We began with me sleeping the whole night there and then transitioned to me leaving when she fell asleep and returning for good if she woke up and wanted company to get back to sleep.
During this all she would return to our bed in the am to take her Papi's place as he left for work.
When our second came we became a family bed family as our oldest returned to the bed. I was not willing to try to tell her that the baby could sleep with us but she could not. All the "fun" was being had in our bed (which was by now of the king-sized variety plus that side-car crib). Some people might see that as a "regression". We saw it as a natural reaction to the situation. Who wants to be left out of things?
The kids slept with us in the bed and crib side-car for the next two years. We then moved and took the opportunity to set up the master bedroom with a comfy roll-away bed for the oldest on one side of the room and the toddler bed set up for our younger on my side of the room. They slept like that for many months and then transitioned together to their own room with their twin beds pushed together. My youngest has always co-slept with somebody. I did not end up sleeping with my youngest in that room and simply welcomed her into our bed if she woke and came looking for me.
At this point we sometimes play musical beds with a youngster asking to sleep with a parent or the parents. My husband is pretty tied to the master bedroom bed so unless both girls want to sleep with me he takes that bed with one kid and I hit the queen-sized bed in the guest bedroom with whomever is my buddy that night.
Our crib was recalled right after my 2nd child was born, it was also a drop-side crib, and I was so mad! Now we have a convertable crib. When my son was about 2-ish we started transitioning him to a "big boy" bed. I started by keeping the crib in his room and set up a mattress on the floor (a new one, not the crib one). I put fun sheets on it with graphics he would like. We talked a lot about big boy beds and then he had a choice of where he wanted to sleep. The first two nights he opted for his crib. I affirmed that choice .. then he chose the bed on the floor... and finally after about 2 weeks he was solidly in his bed and we removed the crib. After a few months we added the boxspring under the mattress, and finally, about a year later we put it up on a bedframe (he was finally tall enough to crawl up on his own).
When my crib was recalled, it took a long time to get all the details worked out for reimbursement. So I had to charge a new crib to my credit card so I could get it without having to wait so many weeks. However, I used a pack-n-play (portable crib) for the first few nights until I could get the new crib in the house.
Hope this helps -
Missy
We moved my son to a toddler bed when he was 2 1/2. We waited until he started to wake in the night an climb out of his crib which is obviously a safety hazard. Once we moved him to his toddler bed he still got out of bed and wandered around but no more than he did when he was climbing out of his crib. He was just in a get out of bed and run around phase. He turned 3 two days ago and seems to be fine now. If my daughter's crib was recalled (which it wasn't) I would have to buy another crib. She 13 months now and I wouldn't feel safe with her being in something that wasn't contained. We actually tried to co-sleep with her but she didn't like it. She would wake in the night every hour or so. After four months we moved her to her own crib where she slept through the night from the very first time. She's a great little sleeper...but she still needs a crib because she rolls around.
We coslept in a family bed until just recently (son is 2.5 yrs). When our son was two, we introduced a toddler bed to our room, he liked to lay in it at first, but would sleep with us. About a month ago, he started wanting to go to sleep in his bed. I lay in our bed until he falls asleep in his. For a couple weeks, he'd crawl back in to bed with us in the middle of the night, but I think the last two weeks he's spent the whole night in his bed.
We just let him do it at his own pace, gave him the opportunity, and he did it on his own. It was really, surprisingly easy, in fact. The next step will be moving him to his own room, I imagine he'll jump back into our bed for a little while when that happens, which is fine. But we're looking for a new place, so we're delaying that step until after we move.
My first child slept in a crib, for a variety of reasons. Mostly because she naturally just slept long stretches at night on her own. However, I always nursed her to sleep, and when she woke up I often brought her into bed with me. When she was 18 months old she was waking a lot, and having her in a queen size bed with two adults was not working, so we bought her a double bed and I joined her in it when she needed me.
The thing is, that my daughter always woke up screaming. If she was in bed with me, if she was in her crib, or if she was in her own bed. So waking up and wandering around was never an issue with her. Even now, at 4 1/2, she will come and loudly protest to me if she happens to wake before I do. My son, on the other hand, might do that. He is 15 months right now and primarily co-sleeping, and even still he tries to climb over me and out of my bed. He just wakes up and goes exploring. So, I might be a little bit more hesitant to put him in a 'big kid bed' in a room by himself, at least at this point. Luckily, we got a king sized bed between the kidlets, so it's less of an issue.
My big girl was in a cot in our bedroom, about 21 months we were all waking each other up so she went into her own bed. She loved it and slept much better, but my husband still puts her to sleep each night with a story then sitting with her. We figure we'll be reading to them for several more years, so what's the difference? They won't be going to bed alone until they ask us to get out!
Baby girl is on a mattress next to our bed. She's a very challenging non-sleeper who is slowly getting better. We're actually thinking about giving them the queensize mattress she's on now in a few months time and having them co-sleep together. Baby girl will sleep better with someone else, and as long as it doesn't disturb big girl it would be easier than getting two beds in.
I have to say I find the term kind of offensive, honestly. Although really there's plenty of much worse things to worry about, so it's not like I'm really worked up about it.
Neither of my kids has wanted a parent around while they went to sleep. little weirdos. #2, at 5 months old, started just FREAKING out in the evenings when I was trying to nurse her to sleep, and after about week I was so frustrated I put her in the crib (which hadn't been used all that much before then) and walked out to collect myself and figure out what to do, and 30 seconds later she was asleep and she slept through the night. Apparently she prefers just being left the heck alone!
I've been pretty lucky with sleep stuff.
I'm not going to speak about "ideal situations" because to each her own. But "parenting my kid to sleep" sucked the lifeblood out of me. I did it with my first and I vowed never to do it again. And in my own experience, it made the transition for them to sleep without me ridiculously hard. I wished over and over that I had never done that in the first place.
It's not always possible - particularly if you're alone and your spouse is traveling a lot and/or you have other children. In fact, it can be down right impossible.
I think that certainly ANYTHING can work if you try hard enough, but I'm not sure that's a good enough reason for people to decide to give up the crib and put them in a toddler bed. It can be stressful, tiring, and emotionally draining. I personally can't advocate that.
From what my experience has shown me, I agree. Our daughter never went from "confined in a crib" to on her own in a toddler bed. We stopped putting her to sleep in a crib around 6-9 months when her teething pains worsened and she just wouldn't stop crying. She was so upset I wondered if she might vomit and that's when I said enough is enough. The doctor and many others had said to do the 5, 10, 15 minute CIO routine, but that just wasn't working. We put her in bed with us and didn't dread nighttime anymore. My husband built her a little toddler bed a month or two after her first birthday, placed it right at the foot of our bed, and we put her in it whenever we could. Sometimes she was asleep already, sometimes she was just sleepy and would stay there. It took a little convincing at first, as she preferred our bed to hers, but before long she was fine with sleeping in there. The only time she won't do it now (at 2.5 years) is if she's had a nightmare or sometimes if she wakes up and is cold, or something like that. I think cosleeping *helped* her develop good sleep habits. I don't think it's a good idea to rely on the confines of a crib to get a child to sleep. Eventually, the child will be big enough to climb out, and where does that leave you?
So, I know that doesn't really answer your question, but I thought I'd share anyway!
If I could redo one single choice I've made as a parent it would be the "parenting your kid to sleep thing" which - well, I've never heard that expression, but it sounds like a positive way of spinning "destroying your life."
Only now is my 4 year old ready to sleep on her own because of it, and frankly, those years (YEARS) of having to lie in bed with her for up to 3 hours a night to get her to sleep were a low point in my life and fairly well documented on my blog. I did do it differently with my second daughter which worked just fine - from crib to her bed (or really, mattress on the floor). Until now. Now she wants to be in my bed anyway. And once again, I'm sleep deprived (as is she) and not so happy.
I guess it proves we all think we have the right answer until a different kind of kid comes along and challenges everything we think we know about parenting.
Also - I just have to say this because well, I do. But I don't that "parenting to sleep" expression at all. It seems to imply that everyone else is not parenting, or somehow less of a parent.
Okay. Phew.
I unfortunately did CIO with my son at 7 wks, and then, due to acid reflux issues, again at 4 mos, so he has gone to sleep on his own since then. (I hadn't heard of attachment parenting at that point, and thought that CIO was what you were supposed to do, so I did, though I hated it - expecting again in 3 wks & hoping to try Dr. Karp's self-soothing methods, but rock/nurse to sleep if all else fails). Anyhow...
My son is 23 months, and just had a very easy transition from crib to toddler bed. He doesn't always stay in his bed at bedtime, but we just shut his door (which he asks us to do, he doesn't mind), or we put a gate in his doorway so he can't come into our room in the night. And he goes to sleep on his own within about a half hour (often on the floor, he'll wake up & switch between the floor & the bed during the night, it's so funny). If getting out of the bed is a problem, and your child is not falling asleep, I would make it a discipline issue, tell them they will be disciplined if they get out of their bed.
As far as parenting to sleep, it would be easier in a big kid bed than a toddler bed- you could lay next to your child as they're falling asleep if they need you to. But it would be possible in a toddler bed, too. :)
DD slept in our bed until she was 18 months. It was by far the best solution for us - I couldn't imagine getting out of bed to nurse her. At 18 months, we put a double futon on the floor in her room, and she slept there. At first I slept with her, then as she got older, I started lying with her until she fell asleep, then getting up and doing my own thing, going to sleep in my own bed until she called for me. Gradually she called for me later and later. I could just get up, stumble to her room, lie next to her and fall back to sleep.
She's 4 now. About half the week she'll sleep 12 hours and I'll wake up in my own bed; the rest of the time I stumble in to her room if she has a bad dream. It has worked exceptionally well. She's still on the futon on the floor - we would like to get her a twin bed to make more room in her room, but on the other hand we're loathe to mess with a good thing.
We're not even putting the crib up for our new arrival - unless s/he turns out not to enjoy co-sleeping, we'll probably just get rid of the crib.
I'm not sure I really like the "parenting to sleep" term either, even though I fit the definition. I understand the thinking behind it, but I find it a pretty exlusionary term.
I had a pediatrician tell me that if I dont sleep train my 4 month old son he would "never learn to sleep on his own." I had to contain my laughter as she said this, picturing a sleepless nation, grown-ups away from their parents not able to sleep because no one "trained" them at 4 months. Ridiculous. I changed pediatricians and carried on co-sleeping.
Here's how we transitioned: Around 20 months I got tired of being woken up to nurse. So I told my son "from now on, we don't nurse at night, only in the morning on the couch." He was old enough to understand and since the reward of nursing was just delayed he was OK with it. He was also OK with moving out of our bed and into a big boy bed since the milk bar was closed.
The cutest part of all? Every morning when I woke up there was my little angel sitting patiently waiting on the couch for his nursing.
Ack!!!
Sorry...didn't mean to create a controversy. I thought the term "parenting to sleep" was a commonly accepted term for staying with your children while they fall asleep. That wasn't what the post was supposed to be about, so I'm sorry that it ended up being a big point of focus. I've edited the post to remove the offensive term.
The point of the post is not to tell anyone how to get their children to go to sleep or to pretend that my way is the only or even the best way. Most people I know whose children do go to sleep on their own are fiercely proud of their independent children.
The reason I wrote the post was that the discussions on twitter sparked my curiosity yesterday. Because we don't use a crib, I had never really thought about how the transition from a crib to another bed would happen. When people said that they needed the crib to keep their child contained, I started to wonder when/how they wean their child off of that need. I wasn't asking to judge. I was asking to learn.
Sorry if I offended anyone.
I don't think I have THE right answer. I have the right answer for our family.
We co-slept with both kids. We transitioned both of them to their own beds with no problem at all (Julian at 1 year, Emma at 2.5 years). However, we do still stay with them while they fall asleep (I think that could be changed with my 5 year old, but I'm not the one who puts him to bed so it is not my choice) and we do still go to them at night if they need us, which can result in one of us staying with them or just tucking them back in and then returning to our own bed.
Carrie:
That is exactly the reason we never got toddler kids for our kids. Because we knew we would lie down with them.
But what I am curious about is how kids who go to sleep on their own in a crib (but need to be contained to do so) end up transitioning to staying put in a big kid bed. Do their parents end up having to stay with them for a period of time or is there some other trick?
Well, you didn't offend me, although i have to admit I'd never heard of that expression before.
Anyway, we had our kids in our beds, or in bassinets right beside the bed, for the first 5 months or so, when they got too active to be safe and large to fit. Mostly due to kicking and squirming and rolling. sounds odd, but my kids are all extremely hyperactive, excellent climbers and love to get into things.
They ended up in cribs until about 18 months when they climbed out jumped on the floor, and walked down the hall and yelled at us. We didn't dare put them back, took down the crib, put the crib mattress on the floor and just lay down to sleep with them.
We never did CIO, I've always nursed them to sleep or rocked them or whatever, but the problem came when they would wake up in the middle of the night and wander around, or get into trouble. It really was unsafe. At one point we had gates on their doors and had completely baby proofed their rooms, but then they threw tantrums. So finally I just stayed up most of the night, and every time one kid got up, he'd find me sitting at the door, quietly refusing to let him out, and telling him to go back to bed, even if he screamed and hit me and freaked, and after a few days it worked and he decided to stay in bed. (They were each over 2 and I never left them alone, so I don't count it as CIO, and although i know some people do if there is any crying.)
Our toddler is nursed, cuddled, read or walked to sleep most nights. She is a sleep-resister, like one of her siblings and myself: our brains have a hard time shutting down.
My older children were "parented" to sleep for years. It ended so gradually, I don't remember when I stopped laying down with them until they were asleep or almost asleep. May have been 10 or 11 for one and 8 or 9 for the other (who preferred morning cuddles to nighttime ones.) At sleepovers or camps, they went to sleep on their own. We still read to 11 and almost-14 most nights, although now in the living room, and then stop in to tuck them in and chat about their day. I hear more worries, hopes and dreams at bedtime than any other time.
Eilat: Wow! What a patient child you have.
Motherhood Uncensored:
I'm not advocating anything in particular. I was just throwing out options for people to consider in case they hadn't thought of it. Then when people told me they could not transition their child out of a crib now, I became curious about how the transition from crib to big kid bed happens (because obviously it has to at some point). I was wondering if it always has to be "stressful, tiring and emotionally draining" or if some parents out there have found a great transition strategy to make it easy.
Jenny:
"Eventually, the child will be big enough to climb out, and where does that leave you?"
Exactly what I was thinking.
we had to stay with my oldest in her room until she fell asleep both when she was still in the crib and when she first moved to a big bed. So I guess I was "parenting to sleep" all that time and never really realized it :) At a certain point we just started leaving her awake and letting her go to sleep on her own. She sucks her thumb so she had a method of self comforting. Perhaps that helped.
I decided i didn't want to parent to sleep my second. I wanted to have some time to myself in the evenings again not to mention time to talk to my husband so I rock/nurse her for about 20-30 mn then lay her down in her crib. Some nights she just lies there and goes to sleep, most nights she rolls over and crawls around in her bed, chatting to her bunny and turtle before going to sleep on her own.
Forgot to add, my children both moved out of our room at 3 of their own volition, but continued to come in to our bed at some point for many years, usually when they had to get up to pee. When I was in a house with stairs, I gated the top of the stairs so no one could fall down the stairs at night stumbling from one room to the other.
I'm curious about the containment issue as well. Since we share the bed with our baby, 8 months old now, we don't even own a crib. I plan to sleep with her as long as we are all happy, but I'm wondering what will happen when she becomes more mobile. Currently, she only rolls around a little and bed rails keep her contained, but I'm not sure what we will do when she starts pulling herself up.
Does anyone know how young a child can be taught to safely climb out of bed? I've heard of some parents teaching toddlers to safely go up and down stairs instead of relying on gates. We have a platform that is very low to the floor.
Marcy:
We have used bedrails and a Snug Tuck pillow (links to both in the co-sleeping safety post that I linked to in this post). That works to keep kids from rolling off the bed. It doesn't work obviously if they are trying to climb out on purpose. We haven't ever had that problem, but most people who do put the mattress on the floor I think.
se7en:
I agree. When there is a death in a crib, it has to be related to that particular crib or something the parents put in the crib or something like that. But when a baby dies in the parents bed, it is because "co-sleeping is dangerous". Period.
I ranted and raved about that in these posts:
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/06/05/faulty-logic-from-the-ontario-coroner-regarding-bed-sharing/
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/01/88-deaths-per-100000-population/
Olivia,
My babies could climb in and out of bed safely before one. I taught them to slide down backwards, feet first.
Simone:
I think the transition from co-sleeping to crib is probably more different than the transition from co-sleeping to big kid bed. You can get a big enough big kid bed that you can lie down with him.
@zoey:
That whole up-down, up-down thing is why I couldn't imagine getting an older child to sleep on his own while you are also trying to nurse a younger one to sleep. I did try it a few times with my son, but he always ended up waking up the baby while I was nursing her to sleep because he would keep getting up and coming to us or calling us from his room.
Instead, on the nights when I am alone with both of them, we all lie down together and I put both kids to bed at the same time. When Emma was younger, I would then move her to another bed after they were both asleep because I didn't want to leave Julian alone in bed with her for safety reasons.
Olivia:
I think you can teach them to get up and down safely, but you also need to consider rolling while they are sleeping.
That`s exactly what I did :)
Oliva, I was worried about this too our 15 month old was pretty wiggly in bed during the 8-12 month stage. She sleeps in our bed--it is pretty high with a boxspring and all. We have the bed pushed up against the wall and the crib (why did we get one?) serves some usefulness by blocking the other side of the bed. We have a soft chair (the kind that folds out into a twin mattress) that we put on the floor at the base of the crib--so it is in the one little corner she can get out on. It provides a "step" and we have taught her to back herself down onto it to get out of the bed. I haven't ever known her to do it without us there though, she generally sit up in bed and says "mom" and waits for me to come get her.