Saturday
Sep272008
A new chapter
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Once again this week, I was reminded that children will develop and grow at their own pace. Our son, who recently turned 4, decided three days ago that he would go to sleep by himself.
On a usual night in our house, I put our daughter to bed and my husband puts our son to bed, although sometimes we trade. And once a week or so, one of us will end up dealing with the bedtime routine on our own if the other parent has to go out. The usual routine on those nights has been that all three of us lie down in my son's bed while the kids fall asleep. Once they are asleep, I would move my daughter to our bed and then I can safely retreat downstairs to blog, watch TV, read a book. On Thursday, I was home alone with the kids and my son was wiggling around and making noise as I tried to nurse my daughter to sleep. I told him that if he couldn't settle down, I would have to put his sister to bed in my room while he waited alone for me to be done. Usually a few reminders like that is enough to get him to be quiet and go to sleep. This time it was different. He said "Okay Mommy, you go put her to bed in your bed and I'll sleep alone here". I asked him if he was sure, and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted the nightlight on, and he said yes. I asked him if I should leave the door open, and he said no, because he didn't want the cat to come in. Then I kissed him goodnight, tucked him in, and left with his little sister for the other room. I expected him to call out for me, but he didn't. He just went off to sleep on his own for the first time.
For 4 years, 3 weeks, and 3 days, we lovingly parented him to sleep. Some nights it was easy. Other nights he protested or took a long time to go to sleep. Some nights we had wonderful pillow conversations after lights out. Other nights we just cuddled as he dozed off. Most of the time we lay down with him, but sometimes we would read a book or work on a laptop in his room while he fell asleep. We never left him to cry it out. We never left him calling out for "Mommy" or "Daddy" or "Grannie" without responding.
Just as there are people that say that a child will never wean if you don't wean them yourself, there are plenty of people that have told us, directly or indirerectly, over the years that our child would never learn to go to sleep by himself if we didn't use some "tough love".
We are now on Day 3 of him going to sleep on his own. Tonight wasn't quite as easy. He wanted to sleep on his own, but we had a few misstarts, with him needing to get up to collect missing toys that he needed to sleep with or because his car had dropped down behind his bed. But overall, I think it is safe to say that we are on to a new chapter with regards to sleep without having to force it. And we'll take the new challenges that come with it day by day, just as we did with the first chapter.
On a usual night in our house, I put our daughter to bed and my husband puts our son to bed, although sometimes we trade. And once a week or so, one of us will end up dealing with the bedtime routine on our own if the other parent has to go out. The usual routine on those nights has been that all three of us lie down in my son's bed while the kids fall asleep. Once they are asleep, I would move my daughter to our bed and then I can safely retreat downstairs to blog, watch TV, read a book. On Thursday, I was home alone with the kids and my son was wiggling around and making noise as I tried to nurse my daughter to sleep. I told him that if he couldn't settle down, I would have to put his sister to bed in my room while he waited alone for me to be done. Usually a few reminders like that is enough to get him to be quiet and go to sleep. This time it was different. He said "Okay Mommy, you go put her to bed in your bed and I'll sleep alone here". I asked him if he was sure, and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted the nightlight on, and he said yes. I asked him if I should leave the door open, and he said no, because he didn't want the cat to come in. Then I kissed him goodnight, tucked him in, and left with his little sister for the other room. I expected him to call out for me, but he didn't. He just went off to sleep on his own for the first time.
For 4 years, 3 weeks, and 3 days, we lovingly parented him to sleep. Some nights it was easy. Other nights he protested or took a long time to go to sleep. Some nights we had wonderful pillow conversations after lights out. Other nights we just cuddled as he dozed off. Most of the time we lay down with him, but sometimes we would read a book or work on a laptop in his room while he fell asleep. We never left him to cry it out. We never left him calling out for "Mommy" or "Daddy" or "Grannie" without responding.
Just as there are people that say that a child will never wean if you don't wean them yourself, there are plenty of people that have told us, directly or indirerectly, over the years that our child would never learn to go to sleep by himself if we didn't use some "tough love".
We are now on Day 3 of him going to sleep on his own. Tonight wasn't quite as easy. He wanted to sleep on his own, but we had a few misstarts, with him needing to get up to collect missing toys that he needed to sleep with or because his car had dropped down behind his bed. But overall, I think it is safe to say that we are on to a new chapter with regards to sleep without having to force it. And we'll take the new challenges that come with it day by day, just as we did with the first chapter.
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Reader Comments (8)
That is so wonderful and encouraging. Some days it gets discouraging when the little guy takes a while to fall asleep, other days it get discouraging to hear the comments other people make about how he'll never learn - so it's nice to hear something like this once in a while instead.
Ahhh... peaceful. As all of these major transitions should be.
Beautiful.
I can assure you that my teen, preteen, and toddler no longer need mom to love them to sleep, as my 9 month old still wants and needs. These moments are truly fleeting, they do not last long enough for me, and they are truly missed when they end - and they do end, when the child is ready.
How loving of a mom or dad to parent a child to sleep, leaving them knowing they are safe and secure. Good for you, and for every parent that parents 24 hours a day, not just when it's convenient!
You have given me hope! While I tell myself this is just a season of my life - with a 4 year old and 1 year old sharing my bed - it is sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thankfully, the 15 year old *usually* sleeps by herself. Great writing, mama. Thanks!
I nearly had this last night... I felt so sick and was trying to keep myself together. Ara was wriggling and bed swapping from the big bed to her sidecarcot.
I growled at her and told her that if she didn't settle down she'd have to go down to her own room.
So she left.
I was totaly floored.
I had 2 hours sleep before I felt a little bump beside me...and she's only just 2.5...not what I was expecting at all.
It worked for 3 nights, and then Grannie came to visit and he loves going to sleep with Grannie. Nothing could convince him to go to sleep on his own. We'll see what happens tomorrow when she goes home again.
What a big milestone for your little guy!
I am not sure what you would call me approach to parenting - it is not cry it out but I do not think it is 100% attachment either. I might call it "intuitive parenting."
My son started sleeping in his crib at 8 months and he really seems to love having his own bed. When I lay him down he might give a small cry of protest, but then he snuggles up and goes right to sleep. Sometimes he just smiles and babbles for a few minutes before dozing off.
When I lay him down and he cries for more than a minute or so I go back in and get him up because I feel like that is his way of letting me know something is wrong. Somehow I just seem to know when he is letting out a small, I-am-just-sleepy cry, or when it's "hey, I'm hungry still or I need some lotion on the back of my legs."
Each child develops at their own rate, I suppose. My son is also trying to self-wean at 9 months, and I am having to find ways to keep him breastfeeding for at least 3 more!
Hello...
I'm new to your blog and just read this post. Wow... I stay in my 3 1/2 year-old's bed as he falls to sleep (often falling asleep with him) and my DH lays in our bed with our 1 1/2 year-old until he's alseep (also often falling asleep with him). With DH and I falling asleep ridiculously early by adult standards, we get little done around the house! Sometimes I dream of finishing a story, kissing my little guy goodnight, and having some time just to get things done. On the other hand, I will sorely miss being welcome there next to him as he drifts off (often holding my hand) and often when he wakes up. Still, it's good to know that your son was able to make the transition to going to sleep by himself on his own without any trauma. (I breastfed both of my boys and they both self-weaned...one at 16 mos. and one at 18 mos.)
Anyway - Thanks so much for sharing your life and insights!