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Saturday
Dec272008

Abrupt

How would you feel if:

  • You lose your job over something you didn't know you were doing wrong and aren't given an opportunity to change your ways?

  • Your spouse left you suddenly?

  • Your best friend backs out of your weekly lunches with no warning because she's sick of hearing you whining?

  • Your boss tells you a week before Christmas that there won't be a bonus this year when you had been counting on it to pay for gifts?

  • Your car breaks down, you can't afford a new one, and you just have to make due without?


How do you think a child feels when:

  • Suddenly and abruptly transferred from being cared for by mom at home to going to day care full-time?

  • Going from being rocked to sleep every night to suddenly being left to cry it out?

  • Having a diaper withheld when needing to poop because he's old enough to understand that he should do it on the toilet?

  • Being weaned cold-turkey from mom's breast or parents' bed?

  • Being told that he doesn't need a pacifier or a lovey anymore because he's too old for that?

  • Being snapped up and taken out to the car ("time to go!") while in the middle of playing with something with no previous warning?


People, especially children, deserve to be given warning, to be given a chance to adjust, to be given an opportunity to learn. When transitions are necessary, make them gently, be patient, take the opportunity to teach and to explain.  Be sure to communicate, come up with solutions that will work for everyone, give your child the opportunity to learn and to make mistakes when learning. Some people are happy to just let things happen in their own time, but even if you are not, ensure that you push gently.

« Slippery slope | Main | December 27: Change your facebook profile picture to a breastfeeding picture »

Reader Comments (16)

that is the best analogy! I am sharing that with family and friends for sure! Great job as always! :-)

December 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

i think this is probably the most important lesson for a happy household.

December 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterunderthebigbluesky

What a fantastic analysis! I'll be saving that one (with attribution, of course (: ).

December 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCarla

brilliant! thank you so much for posting on this.

December 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkettunainen

[...] then the attachment parenting approach to making that change should be to do it gently. Do not abruptly remove something that brings your child comfort and expect him to be okay with it. Instead, find a [...]

[...] then the attachment parenting approach to making that change should be to do it gently. Do not abruptly remove something that brings your child comfort and expect him to be okay with it. Instead, find a [...]

Thanks for the reminder!

March 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLizette

It's all about respect. There's no reason to NOT treat our little ones with respect and kindness just because they're littles. In fact, it's all the more reason to go out of your way to be gentle and patient. They'll end up paying it forward without even realizing it when they play and interact with other kids and adults and show that there is a different way.

this is such a good post, I'm convinced the 'terrible twos' would be all but turned into the terrific twos if we all just remember to show our children proper respect

March 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercarolb

Sometimes when I'm caring for my children, I think of those who are caring for the elderly. Caregivers of elderly have to do many of the same tasks as those of us who care for children, but most elderly can communicate more clearly. Personhood should be respected whether the one receiving the care is a child or elder.

March 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

Short, sweet and incredibly on the mark.

March 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelodie

[...] then mommy comes home). Developing a bond and a routine should be done gradually and with care (not abruptly), but to say that a mother has to be with her children 24/7/365 x 3 years is unreasonable and [...]

[...] These are questions that parents ask and that many, many parenting books offer answers for. My answer, and the reason I don’t stress out about these things too much, is that parents should start teaching their children these things at birth and their children will respond when they are ready. Going from diapers to underwear, from being rocked to sleep to going to bed on your own, from throwing the food off the high chair tray to using a fork and knife correctly, none of those are things that happen suddenly or abruptly. [...]

Funny (or sad), though, most of the items on the first list happened to me. (And to many of us I suppose.) I didn't like them. I try to adapt.

I agree with the analogy but I think sometimes waiting for our kids to be ready just doesn't do them a favour. My son is nearly four. He is not 'potty trained.' He no longer has accidents, hasn't in a long while, but he is very emotionally attached to his diaper and won't let go of it. He asks for one to do his business. He has had a rough year, with his parents separating, and has never been fast at adapting to change. I understand all that and I try to discuss the matter with him without rushing him.

However, kids have started mocking him for still being in diapers. He is beginning school in September and I can't imagine the bad consequences for him if we haven't dealt with the issue by them. It's not about me being tired of changing diapers, it's about thinking that the pressure and discomfort imposed by me won't be as bad as the ones imposed by school mates.

Same thing with sleep. Up until very recently I stayed with him until he fell asleep (we coslept for a very long time and still do frequently). Now my presence keeps him awake. Plus he plays very roughly with me when I stay in the room and hurts me. But he cries when I go away. So far I've been alternating between favouring sleep and favouring his emotional comfort. He can't seem to be able to get both at once, and I can't seem to be able to teach him that.

Gentle parenting advice doesn't seem to work anymore! And I am reluctant to follow a more authoritarian track (besides, I'm no good at being authoritative). Yet my son is paying a bigger price now than when he was a baby or even a toddler for not conforming to social expectations...

Agreed - but sometimes it's not always possible. I am pregnant for the second time and have had hyperemesis - a couple of months ago, my 2 1/2 year old went from 3 days at nursery, 2 days with me per week to either 5 days at nursery or being looked after by her Dad (and my partner has been doing all the childcare evenings and weekends, which we used to split 50/50). We had no time to ease her in to it as the severity of the sickness was quite unexpected - having said that, she has adapted amazingly well and is the same happy, loving girl she always was. Probably helps that she has a secure attachment to both of us, and to her key workers at nursery. But changes can sometimes be sudden.

April 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAlison

Yes, but I think there's also value in learning that life doesn't always give you warnings. Some of my biggest life lessons -- even as a child -- occurred when I had to learn coping skills that were not taught to me by an adult. Obviously you have to know the personality of your individual child and how that fits into his or her developmental stage.

April 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJessica Smock
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