Friday
Dec192008
Night Owls
Friday, December 19, 2008
Some animals are nocturnal, but people are not. So Alicja e-mailed to ask me what she could do about her daughter that was waking up in the middle of the night and wanting to go out. Here are some excerpts from her story:
Let me start with a story. One day I was sitting in the car in a parking lot with my son waiting for my husband. We were parked and not driving anywhere and were going to have to wait for a while, so I took him out of his carseat and brought him into the front of the car with me. He was fascinated by the steering wheel, the gear shift, the buttons and the switches. We had some fun playing and when my husband got there we left and went on our way. Next time we got in the car though, he wanted to go in the front again and had a fit when we said no. This continued off and on for a while each time we got in the car. Sometimes I would let him play in the front if we weren't in a hurry and sometimes I would say no and he would have a fit. When I had to say no, it was a really horrible experience for both of us. He didn't need to play in the front, but he wanted to and he wasn't old enough or mature enough to understand why we didn't always have time for him to do it. Rather than fighting with him each time, I stopped saying yes. Even when we did have time, the answer was no. I tried to help him to work through his emotions and understand what he was feeling, but I didn't change my mind. Within a week or so, he had forgotten about it and didn't ask anymore.
We needed to go back to reality. Reality is that mom drives the car and toddler rides in the back. Heather Armstrong (dooce) took a similar approach when she stopped giving her daughter treats after dinner because she was sick of eating dinner being about negotiations over a treat rather than about eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full.
My children at night have asked to go outside, to call Grannie, to play with toys, to eat cookies, and many other things that do not equate to nighttime needs. Having a drink (within reason), being comforted by a parent when scared, being kept warm and dry and safe, are needs. But many other things that our children may want in the middle of the night are not.
It is difficult making the transition between attachment parenting a baby and attachment parenting a toddler or preschooler. Babies are very needs focused and we focus on meeting their needs. As they develop though, those children develop their own thoughts and ideas and desires, which is good, really it is! And most of the time, I think it is a great idea to try to find ways to ensure that their desires and your desires can both be met. But there are going to be times when they want things that they cannot comprehend the consequences of and this is where we need to step in to help them by setting limits.
It will probably be hard to say no for a while. She will protest because she knows that you often do say yes and she figures she just needs to scream a little longer or beg a little more and then you will take her outside. I don't think you need to leave her alone to cry on her own and you don't need to consider nightweaning. This isn't about that. This is about teaching her that nighttime is for sleeping and not for going outside. While you are telling her this, do tell her the reasons (we sleep at night, Mommy is tired, it is dangerous to walk around outside at night, you need to sleep or you will be cranky tomorrow). She may not understand now, but say it often enough and as her comprehension improves she will begin to understand and it will help with her reasoning skills. I hate "because I said so", so I try to give reasons whenever I can, even if my kids won't understand completely.
After a while, once she realizes that you will be there to comfort her when she wakes up at night, but that you are not taking her outside, she should stop asking. I wouldn't do anything else "fun" either. Sit with her, comfort her, but keep things dark and boring. If you need to go to another room so that at least one parent can sleep, then do that, but keep the lights off and just rock, nurse or sing to her gently.
I enjoyed this article that calls it empathetic limit setting.
It is normal for some children to wake at night. But it isn't normal to wake up and be wide awake and want to get up. It may be that now she is used to it, so it is a pattern that when she wakes she wants to get out of bed in which case the limit setting should take care of it with time. Or there could be some underlying reasons that you can address. You mentioned owning the No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers. On page 152, Elizabeth Pantley talks about insomnia, which is an inability to sleep despite being tired.
There are a number of possible reasons for insomnia:
Between empathetically setting some limits and dealing with any possible causes of insomnia, I hope that you and Maya will be back to a more harmonious sleep situation soon!
Do you have a question for PhD in Parenting? Check here for instructions on submitting a question: Questions?
We sleep together and we all enjoy it. Maya is nursing frequently during every night (and day). We enjoy it and didn't want to change anything, cos I barely woke up at all, my husband never heard anything and Maya was rested and happily sleeping from 8-7. She usually naps from 12 until 3-3:30. She isn't happy and rested with shorter nap.
She suddenly started waking up in the middle of the night, usually about 12-1, and she wants to be taken outs. She doesn't speak yet, but we developed our own "Maya-language", so she can clearly tell us what she means. She wants to go out and be carried/walk around the apartment complex.
First night we had no clue what happened, but going out sometimes helped for night terrors (this was not the case this time). She was whining so my husband took her for 2min, and she went back to sleep in bed with us like and angel. Second night it was raining, so I couldn't take her out. So she screamed in anger for a whole hour, while I rocked her, played with ice with her (one of her favorites), sang to her, bounced her, even took a bath with her! After an hour my husband took her outside for a moment, since it wasn't raining so badly any more, and she went to sleep like an angel.
Since then she has had some good nights and some nights where she insists on going out. Could you suggest any gentle methods to give everybody in our family more sleep?
Let me start with a story. One day I was sitting in the car in a parking lot with my son waiting for my husband. We were parked and not driving anywhere and were going to have to wait for a while, so I took him out of his carseat and brought him into the front of the car with me. He was fascinated by the steering wheel, the gear shift, the buttons and the switches. We had some fun playing and when my husband got there we left and went on our way. Next time we got in the car though, he wanted to go in the front again and had a fit when we said no. This continued off and on for a while each time we got in the car. Sometimes I would let him play in the front if we weren't in a hurry and sometimes I would say no and he would have a fit. When I had to say no, it was a really horrible experience for both of us. He didn't need to play in the front, but he wanted to and he wasn't old enough or mature enough to understand why we didn't always have time for him to do it. Rather than fighting with him each time, I stopped saying yes. Even when we did have time, the answer was no. I tried to help him to work through his emotions and understand what he was feeling, but I didn't change my mind. Within a week or so, he had forgotten about it and didn't ask anymore.
Setting Limits
We needed to go back to reality. Reality is that mom drives the car and toddler rides in the back. Heather Armstrong (dooce) took a similar approach when she stopped giving her daughter treats after dinner because she was sick of eating dinner being about negotiations over a treat rather than about eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full.
My children at night have asked to go outside, to call Grannie, to play with toys, to eat cookies, and many other things that do not equate to nighttime needs. Having a drink (within reason), being comforted by a parent when scared, being kept warm and dry and safe, are needs. But many other things that our children may want in the middle of the night are not.
It is difficult making the transition between attachment parenting a baby and attachment parenting a toddler or preschooler. Babies are very needs focused and we focus on meeting their needs. As they develop though, those children develop their own thoughts and ideas and desires, which is good, really it is! And most of the time, I think it is a great idea to try to find ways to ensure that their desires and your desires can both be met. But there are going to be times when they want things that they cannot comprehend the consequences of and this is where we need to step in to help them by setting limits.
It will probably be hard to say no for a while. She will protest because she knows that you often do say yes and she figures she just needs to scream a little longer or beg a little more and then you will take her outside. I don't think you need to leave her alone to cry on her own and you don't need to consider nightweaning. This isn't about that. This is about teaching her that nighttime is for sleeping and not for going outside. While you are telling her this, do tell her the reasons (we sleep at night, Mommy is tired, it is dangerous to walk around outside at night, you need to sleep or you will be cranky tomorrow). She may not understand now, but say it often enough and as her comprehension improves she will begin to understand and it will help with her reasoning skills. I hate "because I said so", so I try to give reasons whenever I can, even if my kids won't understand completely.
After a while, once she realizes that you will be there to comfort her when she wakes up at night, but that you are not taking her outside, she should stop asking. I wouldn't do anything else "fun" either. Sit with her, comfort her, but keep things dark and boring. If you need to go to another room so that at least one parent can sleep, then do that, but keep the lights off and just rock, nurse or sing to her gently.
I enjoyed this article that calls it empathetic limit setting.
Identifying the Cause
It is normal for some children to wake at night. But it isn't normal to wake up and be wide awake and want to get up. It may be that now she is used to it, so it is a pattern that when she wakes she wants to get out of bed in which case the limit setting should take care of it with time. Or there could be some underlying reasons that you can address. You mentioned owning the No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers. On page 152, Elizabeth Pantley talks about insomnia, which is an inability to sleep despite being tired.
There are a number of possible reasons for insomnia:
- Poor sleep routine and environment: Having a consistent bedtime, a relaxing bedtime routine, good consistent naps, comfortable sleep environment are important.
- Dietary issues: Eating foods with caffeine, foods high in sugar, with artificial colourings or preservatives, with high protein or simple carbohydrates can all keep children up if consumed close to bedtime. Watch very carefully what you feed her at dinner and after dinner (if applicable).
- Allergies or other health problems: Asthma, allergies, ear infections, and other conditions can cause insomnia.
- Lack of exercise or late-day exercise: Exercise is important - lots of activity and fresh air can really help with sleep. But right before bedtime it can be detrimental to sleep, so try to get all significant activity out of the way before dinner. With a toddler, getting some exercise in the morning and then some exercise between nap time and dinnertime is usually a good idea.
Between empathetically setting some limits and dealing with any possible causes of insomnia, I hope that you and Maya will be back to a more harmonious sleep situation soon!
Do you have a question for PhD in Parenting? Check here for instructions on submitting a question: Questions?
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Reader Comments (3)
We`re exacly on our first "no-no`s" now. Maya learned how to climb up the table and how to get in into my husbands computer corner. We are blessed with a child who knows what she wants. And like you said, the transition from fulfilling a baby`s needs to setting healthy boundaries for toddlers is difficult.
I was talking about setting limits with my husband, but he just can`t say "no" to her, unless it`s about his computer corner. He finds explanations and excuses. We have just 10 days in US now, it will be a crazy 10 days and a big change. So we planned on working on it again after going home to Japan. It will definitely be the time to talk about limits to my husband again.
Last few days we`re just taking turns - my husband carries her for 1-2min outside, without fighting, just after the first squeerm, and then I nurse her to sleep.
I was suggested it may be about winning so as soon as we make it not so interesting anymore it should stop. I don`t know how good it is from parenting side, but it worked - tonight we didn`t take her at all, although she got up at 5am to play (it`s 7am now and she sleeps again). Like I said, we take turns so everybody is rested and work is done.
Maya has plenty of late afternoon exercise - every day from 3 untill 5 we`re in the park. The only exeption is family gatherings that is tiring anyway. She runs, plays with other kids, feeds the ducks and has a lot of fun.
I`m watching the bedtime meal. Lately she hardly has anything exept breastmilk and cheerios. She just doesn`t want to eat. She`ll eat broccoli and some meat/fish. And that`s it if it`s about her diner.
We have constant bedtime, wake-up time and naptime. We have constant bedtime routine. We have winding down time, with darker house, moderate activity and no surprises. I let her run around the house naked after the bath, so it would be easier for her to drop her body temperature enough to fall asleep.
With Maya it was always like that - as soon as we get a nice routine that works for everybody, as soon as I get used to it, as soon as I start expecting it happen she changes it. First she did it when she was 6mos old and I used to carry her to sleep in the wrap. One day she just didn`t want it and cried, she wanted to go to sleep in bed. Now we`re struggling with nightime againg and my guess is she wants to be carried again. It helps her calm down, otherwise it can last even up to 2h, in dark, closed room, with me in bed, nursing constantly. On a walk it`s 20min and she sleeps like an angel. :)
Hi there,
I really enjoyed this article - it's so refreshing to read this approach to problems with babes and children's demands - So many parents today give in to their little one's demands and then find that they are unable to have any control at all.
I believe in consistent parenting so much that I have written a whole web site dedicated to this approach.
www.consistent-parenting-advice.com
thanks for such a good article.
Sincerely, Helen
This is agrest post! I am so happy you wrote me so that I cools come over to read your blog! I will definitly come back here often! It's so nice to find other parents with the same parenting philosophies and attitudes as I have! You are offering a wonderful service by sharing all of your learning to help others. I feel like I can relate to everything you write. I got avoid kick out of you mentioning that maybe your husband would read your blog because he doesn't read the parenting books. Mine too! Except no luck so far!
It's wonderful to "meet" you!