Sunday
Nov142010
"Baby training" begins at birth
Sunday, November 14, 2010 
At what age is it okay to start sleep training? When should you potty train your toddler? At what age should children learn to read? When do you lay down the law when it comes to table manners? These are questions that parents ask and that many, many parenting books offer answers for. My answer, and the reason I don't stress out about these things too much, is that parents should start teaching their children these things at birth and their children will respond when they are ready. Going from diapers to underwear, from being rocked to sleep to going to bed on your own, from throwing the food off the high chair tray to using a fork and knife correctly, none of those are things that happen suddenly or abruptly.
- Potty learning begins at birth, by doing elimination communication or by changing your baby's diaper immediately when it is wet or dirty, by talking about bodily functions, and by letting them see you use the toilet.
- Sleep training begins at birth by creating an environment that is conducive to sleep and being consistent in your bedtime routine.
- Language training begins at birth by speaking to your child even when they cannot understand you and if possible having one parent or other family member speak to the child in a second language.
- Manners training begins at birth by saying please, thank you, you're welcome, excuse me, gesundheit and other niceties to and in front of your baby.
- Literacy training begins at birth by reading to your baby and reading in front of your baby.
- Empathy training begins at birth by demonstrating compassion to your baby and to others.
Some children will pick up some of these things more quickly than others and that is just the way that life goes. Just as some people excel in math and others in sports, some babies will sleep early and speak late, or sleep late and speak early. Some may be ahead of the curve on everything, making the parents feel competent, only to have them thrown off by a second baby who is completely different.
Start at birth. Be patient. Trust the process. Listen to your child, not to the books and not the calendar.
Image credit: Katie Tegtmeyer on flickr
Reader Comments (59)
Well-said. We teach our children every day - mostly by example.
I totally agree. As the mother of two children, I can attest to the fact that children WILL learn - each in their own time.
But I will also admit that sometimes I wish it were a little more predictable than that. ;)
I think being patient. Barring major developmental issues, they WILL eventually get out of diapers, sleep on their own, learn to apologize, etc. I think sometimes we expect children to "get it" on our time table. We just need to be patient. Sometimes it takes once for them to see it, sometimes 100 or more. And that's ok.
I'm looking forward to going through the experience of having a newborn and infant, with the knowledge that The Books are mostly BS and the confidence to trust myself and my baby. =)
Thanks for writing this. Well said.
I like to think of EC as the ultimate "child-led" potty learning process, because of the way babies communicate and lead us from the time they're born. I think there's a two-way dance of communication between parent and child on this and many other matters.
Great post.... really - I love your phrase "empathy training". So much of the "training" that parents preoccupy themselves with is around things that really are less important (independent sleep, toilet, etc.) and they remain oblivious to the fact that children need guidance in the world of emotion just as much as all these other things.
By the way, I didn't think of it at the time I was answering the survey, but this post sparked an idea for something you might consider a post on - parenting books (and which ones are actually evidence-based vs. those which are mere opinions of the author). I think there is a huge ethical issue in the parenting-book industry. They pass off opinion as fact without any disclaimer to readers that this is what's going on. Many of us are critical and mature enough to realize that, but clearly many of us are not. Look at the popularity of the early editions of On Becoming Babywise that resulted in hospitalization of several infants.
I don't quite understand how manners and literacy do begin at birth. A new born doesn't have at all a sense of himself as being or consciousness. How could he understand niceties?
Nice post! And it reminds me of a funny story. One day, apparently out of the blue, our older son, then nearly 4, suddenly started saying thank you all the time! He thanked us for passing him things at the table, for picking out pyjamas for him, for agreeing to take him to the playground... everything. For a few days I kept wondering where this was coming from. Then finally it dawned on me that it was coming from THE WAY WE HAD SPOKEN TO HIM FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS. He had finally picked up on the behavior we'd been modelling all along! It was so cool.
Nice post. For reading, though, I don't think it's quite as simple as just reading to your child from birth. This might help but learning to read is not like learning to walk. It doesn't just happen naturally. And just reading to a child will not necessarily lead that child to figure out how to read by herself later on. So even parents who have been reading to their child since birth might at some point take steps to teach their child to read and be faced with the question of what is the best age for learning to read.
Cinnamon Mind:
I'm not saying that it begins and ends at birth. But the best way to ensure that your child is polite is to be polite to your child and in front of your child. I think habits are learned, both on the parent's side and the child's side, so it makes sense to just treat your child the same way you want your child to treat others and to do that right from the beginning.
I couldn't agree more with this. Parents who think they don't "train" their children are naive: parents who think it's all about training are rigid. Life is about living - and the more your children see of how you live, the more they'll learn how to live themselves. "Training" is just part of learning about living, and it doesn't have to be an effort. My kids practically potty-trained themselves (as a for instance), because they'd seen me use the toilet; I *never* left them in a wet diaper just because there was no poo in it; and, we talked about everything. I trusted their questions and just answered them as best I could. Amazing how that has resulted in two children who are articulate and curious, healthy and happy in their bodies.
Globetrotter Parent:
It isn't as simple as just reading to your child from birth, but that can help. Start by reading to them, eventually start pointing out letters, making the sounds that they make, and so on. For my son, learning to read was a lot easier than learning to walk. It did just happen naturally. As soon as someone explained the concept to him, he took the knowledge he already had of the sounds that the letters make and started reading. The more he practiced the better he got. That said, he was a horrible sleeper and still has awful table manners. As I said, not everything comes easily to every child, but starting at birth to put them on the road to success can facilitate things and makes it much easier than just deciding one day that it is time to start X.
I just L-O-V-E this post! Its exactly how I felt when I had my first one. She's awesome! (If a little slow to learn that empathy thing) ;)
I think it's amazing what kids can pick up at an early age. I think of a child's learning as the iceberg principle. What comes out of their mouths is a tiny bit of what they actually have learned. The same is true of their bodily awareness. Though our youngest doesn't always want to or successfully sit on the potty (at 23 months), he is aware of his body and what he/it is doing.
I think that awareness translates into other things as they age. For example, our twins, now 5, are very aware of their body temperature. For a long time we've let them figure out how much clothing they want to wear and they, in turn, have been very good about telling us and adjusting when necessary (e.g. a coat when it's cold). Again, I attribute that to much of the early modeling and teaching we have done.
mamarolf:
I always felt my kids were slow to learn the empathy thing, but it does eventually sink in. Emma's preschool teacher said she always goes and gives a hug to the kids who are feeling sad at school and takes their hand and asks them to come and play with her. Most of the other kids don't even notice when others are sad.
This is, I think, my hands-down favourite post of yours. :) I had to de-lurk to tell you just how much I appreciate and agree. Thank you!
Thanks for a wonderful post. It is so important for parents to trust their own instincts and trust that their children will do things like sleeping through the night etc. in their own time, when they are ready. Equally important is for parents to realize that babies and young children absorb far more than we realize and their early emotional experiences affect the person they become.
yes, yes and yes
I agree that while newborns cannot literally understand niceties and/or what it read to them, this doesn't mean that there is no value to these practices. Hearing the sound of their caregivers' voices, watching reactions on their caregivers' faces, seeing pictures in books, listening to a variety of words and voices--these are all wonderful (and important) experiences for newborns.
I also think that there is a lot to be said for what so-called "manners" demonstrate to others--especially to other children. Mutual "please, thank you, excuse me, etc." seem to be not so much a matter of etiquette but a matter of demonstrating mutual respect for one another. And using these words with people of any age demonstrates that all people--babies and children included--are deserving and worthy of this respect.
Respecting a newborn's needs is teaching him or her the fundamental underpinnings of manners.
I like the post, Annie, but dislike the term training.
Phew...I got nervous for a second when I saw the title!
I agree on all counts, truly. The "training"part will hopefully be a draw to parents who are worried...and hopefully this post will enlighten.
Lovely:)
Oh, so do I. I was using it to make a point.
There's also something to be said for getting into the habit, as a parent, of being respectful/talking & reading to your child/etc with your child from the beginning, rather than waiting for some future "starting point" at which you later have to change how you've been doing things. (if that makes sense).
Mem Fox wrote a book called Reading Magic where she tells stories of children who did quite literally just start reading one day, after being read to since birth. Most kids will need other guidance, but may be as simple as playing sound games and talking about letters. The whole process is most likely a LOT easier, though, if the child is read to early and often. I believe many studies show this to be the case...
Yes, that is what I was trying to say, but you said it better!
I thought so :-)
I agree with you completely. It seems intuitive, really, that your child/ren would see what you do and mimic. That is, after all, one of the bases for learning. That and repetition. You'd think more people would understand that, particularly given the number of times one hears parents remark that they have to be careful what they say, lest it be repeated. A surefire clue to generalize that beyond talk to action. To quote a great man: "be the change you want to see in the world." This applies infinitely to our children. And yes, it does begin at birth.
Thanks for the words of wisdom.
I agree completely!
I love this post- and this point in particular- children learn by imitation. They will mirror the behavior that is presented to them and around them. Manners are learned in just this way. You make some great points.
Great post :) I am a strong believer in intuitive parenting. That said, I do think that if you are intuitively feeling out when your kids are ready for things, and you are worried that something doesn't feel right, it is always ok to ask for someone's opinion. Catching things like language developmental delays/disorders, hearing problems, or autism early is really important. Early intervention means fewer maladaptive behaviors over time and less frustration for parents and children too. Despite being prominent in the news, problems really aren't *that* common, but you know your kids! You can ignore the calendar, but if you're worried, speak up!
I am so glad to hear that... I was just about to say that one of my pet peeves is hearing people talk about 'training' their kids. It just bothers me sooo much. Otherwise, I agree entirely with your post ;)
Reading also happened naturally for my oldest. Heck, he learned to read before he really figured out how to talk. It was just second nature to him and one of the few milestones he hit "early". He took an interest in learning how letters sounded and how to put those sounds together (this was part of his therapy to learn to talk) and it naturally, and very quickly, progressed to reading. Obviously not all children are like that, as my youngest fully demonstrates. But for some, yes reading come naturally.
Lovely piece and you're so right about each child doing things in their own time. My dad used to sit and read DD1 the share prices and the business news, mainly so that he got to read them while he was cuddling her(!) His tone was gentle and conspiratorial and she never took her eyes off him, she smiled and cooed and absolutely loved the 'story' she was listening to. She potty-trained herself, announcing one day, about 2 months before her 3rd birthday (and after months of me trying to get her to even begin to start using a potty or toilet to no avail), that she was going to wear knickers today because she was dry. And she was. Night time too. So now I have no idea what to do with DD2 other than wait for her to be ready, which I think is actually the right way to go!
The potty training was the hardest for me with my first. I was desperately anxious to get him out of diapers, and my family reminding me that I was potty trained at a year old never helped matters much. But just like with everything else, he did it when he was good and ready. And with my second? I could not care less when he learns to use the potty. Lately, he's been taking himself to the potty, totally his own doing, which is exciting for us. However, I'm not even considering that he'll be truly potty trained anytime soon, and am not at all disappointed that he'll probably still be in diapers when the new baby comes. This, I believe, is one of those second-time-mom things. You just learn not to sweat the small stuff because it doesn't matter if you sweat it - your sweat rarely changes the outcome.
The point is that if you read to your kid early and often, there's not going to be a "best age" for learning to read and it's very likely that the child will just pick it up one day. That's how I learned to read (memorized all of my books and figured out that the words on the page corresponded to the sounds I'd memorized - at least that's my mom's theory as I don't remember learning to read at all) and that's how I'm teaching my son because I know no other way of learning to read. Hooked on phonics, etc always seemed so boring and inefficient.
I don't think the books are mostly BS. As a parent you'll learn from many sources. I didn't read many books on parenting but chose a handful. They've been helpful.
Children are learning even before they learn to express the results of their learning. When I was a new parent in a small apartment, I was apologizing constantly to my baby for bumping his noggin or toes against a doorframe here or counter there. :-/ That child, at the age of 18 months, surprised me as we got on a crowded bus one day (with him on my back) by saying "I soweee... ekscuze mee... I soweee... ekscuze me..." as we made our way through the crowd at the front to the roomier back. At around age 3.5, he accidentally clamped down while falling asleep nursing, and when I yelped, he apologized *in his sleep.*
All we *ever* did was model how to treat others with respect, by apologizing to him when we accidentally bumped into him or wronged him in some way. We never, ever, EVER told him what to say. But he learned.
yup. its not what you do as a parent, but who you are. model, and put in what you want to get out.
not many adults who still voluntarily poo in diapers, throw food on floor and a tantrum before bed. sometimes i think as parents tending to raise our kids away from family (and generally these days are first experiences with kids are as parents) we tend to really overthink things. we'll all get there, just take a deep breath.
I have been simply stunned by how much, both negative and positive, my son learned through observation, and by how we treat him! Kudos for mentioning the idea of keeping the kiddos dry - I know so many parents who wait until the diaper is "done" before changing it, only to have to buy diapers for their 6-year-olds!
I like the distinction between "training" and "learning", and I use it myself. I've noticed, however, that more mainstream parents look at me like I'm crazy and stop the conversation to nitpick over the words. I like this post because it uses "training" in a way that's accessible to all!
Interestingly, way back in my first year of blogging, I wrote a post called http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/08/28/teach-dont-train/" rel="nofollow">Teach, don't train. I wasn't really saying anything different then than I am saying now, but people started to nitpick over the words instead of listening to the message. That is why I thought I would use the words that others use in this post, but show how it can be done in a gentle, ongoing, child-led manner, rather than an abrupt "NOW YOU WILL BE TRAINED" manner.
Not to nitpick:), but to me, the words we choose to use when talking about babies and how we nurture their growth are important. I believe the way we talk about babies impacts our attitudes towards them, and ultimately, the way we treat them. Babies are not pets to be trained. I agree with everything you've written in your post, but would hesitate to offer it as a resource to parents (I am a parent educator), because I object to the tone set by the title. I also don't believe we teach children, so much as model for them the attitudes we hope they will adopt, and guide them in the ways we hope they will grow and learn. Just offering another perspective.
I agree, Lisa. But I also think there is a lot of power in a catchy title or a play on words. This post has gotten a lot of attention since it went up on Monday evening. I don't think it would have received the same amount of attention if I had called it "Life learning begins at birth". I understand your point and generally agree with it, but also wanted to be clear that I'm contrasting what I am suggesting with the type of "training" the "baby trainers" suggest.
Love this post- in some ways it makes me proud and others..I see where I might have shot myself in the foot. hehe. For instance, we have EC-ed since birth and although people are shocked that my 9-month old can hold her pee and tell me that she needs to go potty, I know that it's just normal for her since we started so early. With the sleep training, though, I have always nursed her to sleep at night and that is getting a little old at this point. However, it's totally my fault for creating that habit if that wasn't something that I was going to want to stick with!
In general I think that children will learn what parents are truly dedicated to teaching them...but at their own pace. Great post!
Sara:
I nursed my children to sleep until past their 2nd birthday. It was just the easiest and quickest way to get them to sleep and it worked for us. My partner was also able to get them to sleep if I wasn't there, but if I was home they wanted me.
You might be interested in my post on how nursing to sleep ended in our family: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/03/01/a-different-kind-of-baby-led-weaning/" rel="nofollow">A different kind of baby-led weaning.
My 31 month old just went to sleep in his own room without me in there for the FIRST time yesterday. It was heavenly! No crying, No quilt for Mommy...just pure bliss! I am SO proud of him, and so happy for all of us. Granted, it might not happen every night, but to know that we're making progress is hugely invigorating :) No "sleep training" (except what you mention above) needed ;)
Thanks for the link :) I bought the book "the no-cry sleep solution", and haven't gotten all of the way through it because I stopped at the section where it talks about being absolutely ready to make the change. Really, I'm not sure that I really want to stop nursing her to sleep right now. My husband is the one who is more interested in it...and I really have a hard time sleeping when she's not next to me for more than like...1 hour. So it's like I have to train both of us to sleep by ourselves! and I don't know that I'm ready for that..
That's awesome! I'd like to think that mine does that as well (but I'd be skeptical if someone said that, lol). What I'd really like, though, is for her to be more empathetic to her sister. I model to the best of my ability, but the oldest is always so busy angry that she doesn't seem to even notice how upset her sister is. Ugh. The joys of siblings! ;)
"Start at birth. Be patient. Trust the process. Listen to your child, not to the books and not the calendar. "
Indeed.
"Follow the child" is my motto in parenting. Offer direction, but mostly... get out of the way.
Along with, "This too shall pass", because what seems insurmountable now will resolve itself with time and patience and empathy.
And finally, live like your child is always watching you. Because they are.