Is breastfeeding intimate?
Thursday, September 30, 2010 There is a fascinating discussion happening right now on Elita's Blacktating blog about whether we should use the word intimate to describe breastfeeding. The discussion stemmed from a comment that someone made about a breastfeeding picture on facebook that said:
“OK…breastfeeding is a very beautiful thing, but why do people expose themselves and publish pictures like that! It is a very private and intimate thing between you and your child. Gosh…this picture just makes me sick!”
Elita's post talks about the sexual connotations that often come with the word "intimate" and questions whether we should be using a word like that to describe breastfeeding if so many people will then relate breastfeeding to sex.
How I see intimacy
Two women sharing an intimate moment while breastfeeding their babies in public.
My comment on the post was:
I don't think intimate = sexual. I think that intimate means private or shared between two people. I would say that I had some intimate breastfeeding moments and many, many, many functional breastfeeding moments. The intimate moments would be the ones where we had the quiet, the calm, and the privacy to be able to share a special moment and to bask in the beauty of our nursing relationship. The functional ones were the everyday "this baby needs to be fed" or "this baby needs to be comforted" moments. It isn't always possible or always necessary to create an intimate nursing moment, but I do think that those intimate moments are valuable too.
That said, I don't think there is anything wrong with photographing or sharing those intimate moments. Consider wedding or engagement photographs where a couple looks deeply into each others' eyes or shares a kiss. Those are intimate photographs, but ones that they want to share with the world. I have some breastfeeding photos that do capture an intimate moment, but that I also proudly display for others to see.
Elita responded:
Although in the strictest definition, intimate can be any act between a few people, at least in America it definitely has a sexual connotation. Obviously I have no issue with nursing photographs, but many people do. They are saying, "This is too intimate and should therefore be private." Maybe we need to change the way we are speaking then. We can use words like "close" and "bond" without saying intimate. The question is, should we cede the word because it's loaded with other meaning for a lot of people?
Further comments look at the various meanings of the word intimate and question whether the meaning is evolving or is different in different geographic locations.
What do you think? Is intimate a normal and appropriate word to use to describe breastfeeding or is it too loaded with sexual connotations?
Photo credit: mirmurr on flickr
Reader Comments (60)
The word means what it means. Even if all the lactivists stop saying it, nobody else is going to stop referring to it as "intimate" when they want to use all of its connotations to control women. It's not the word creating the feeling, it's the feeling matching up with the word. Is breastfeeding intimate? Sometimes. So is hugging and cuddling. Is that a reason to police women and children doing these things in public? Intimate mothering is part of good mothering. Good mothering is a good example.
Of course I think breastfeeding is intimate. It's a close moment shared between two people and sometimes it can be a nestling comfort where you spend the entire time snuggling, kissing and all that warm, yummy stuff... then again, breastfeeding can also by the total opposite. A hectic, crazy moment where you are typing on a laptop at the same time or having a conversation with another person. Heck, the baby can even not be paying any attention to you. A quick gulp here and there and they are back to playing.
The word intimate is defined as (by google) as: marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity; cozy: having or fostering a warm or friendly and informal atmosphere; familiar: having mutual interests or affections; of established friendship; involved in a sexual relationship; etc. etc.
Like many other words, it has many meanings and we pick and choose our words to convey what we are feeling at the moment.
So what if I feel "intimate" with my child while nursing her and who cares if I feel "intimate" with my husband during a romantic moment. It's all how we as people handle it, or say it, or feel it. Why does it have to be such an issue if someone doesn't agree with what we post on our own blogs? You have a right to express how you feel, but does it have to be so negative? Whatever happened to the expression "If you don't have something nice to say keep your mouth shut?"
So I'm saying this nicely, I think you have a right to feel however you want to feel when it comes to nursing your child. Take pride in what you do and that you can do it. :)
Am I making any sense here, or am I just rambling again? :)
Are they kidding? That's a beautiful photograph and all it looks like to me is two good friends having a laugh while they feed their babies. I don't understand how this picture could make anyone sick. "Intimate" is not a purely sexual word as any intelligent person knows and I believe that breastfeeding can be "intimate" as ANY relationship can be. How sad that something so beautiful causes so much controversy.
LOVE THIS: "Intimate mothering is part of good mothering."
Sarah:
Just to clarify, the picture I included in my post isn't the same one being talked about in Elita's post. You have to go to her post to see that one. I chose this picture as one that demonstrates "intimacy" in a very non-sexual way.
I agree with you that "intimate" need not imply "sexual". It *can* apply to a sexual relationship but intimacy is not limited to sexuality, nor is it (in my opinion) limited to private contexts. The word implies closeness to me, depth, as opposed to a casual relationship.
To me, breastfeeding is intimate because it's a relationship which I do not have with anybody other than my children. It is intimate because of the emotional closeness of it, the exclusivity of it, and because of its physical closeness. But like an intimate friendship, I am able to carry out this relationship in public spaces. An intimate friendship need not be secret or private; I can share a photo of my friend and myself sharing a moment. I can have an intimate dinner with an intimate friend in a public space. How I carry out that friendship is up to me and the friend. Similarly, how I carry out my intimate nursing relationship and how I celebrate it (e.g., in photographs) is between me and my nursling.
Personally, I don't think we should cede words because half of society uses them incorrectly or doesn't know what the word actually means. Instead, let's use it correctly,in context and change how the society views intimacy.
The fact is that intimacy is an ambiance, and an emotional word. It CAN be sexual *in context* but it doesn't have to be. My friends and I have "intimate" games of cards all of the time and one of my best friends describes our favorite hangout as having an "intimate" appeal. It's really NOT used in a sexual context by everyone!
If, in fact, there are people who believe that intimacy should only be private, then we need to educate them anyway. :)
i have to say that i agree with you and the people who have commented here thus far. i don't understand why people have to impose their morals (and their interpretation of certain words) on others in this way. who gives a shit if you like the photo or not (i can't say its my favorite photo, but its interesting and beautiful in its own way)? if you don't like it, don't look at it. duh!
i also just want to say that i love your blog. rock on!
I thought this was a fascinating topic and have been enjoying watching the responses on Elita's page - will throw in my 2c here:
I think this is a GREAT example of where practice should depart from theory.
In theory, I feel that breastfeeding can be intimate in a way that can be similar to sexual intimacy - and I think that the reason that statement makes people (yes, including me) feel a little squicky mostly has to do with an ingrained understanding of sex as something vaguely deviant and shameful. That needs changing for many reasons (reasons that go well beyond the problems with society's views on breastfeeding!).
In practice, making that argument (breastfeeding and sex are both intimate, good, and healthy) is way too big of a step for lactivists to take and arguments along those lines would never work to change perceptions of breastfeeding in a good way (and probably would backfire badly). Elita's observation about the use of the word 'intimate' in referring to breastfeeding (that it is usually a disguised way of saying that it is shameful and possibly vaguely deviant) was very insightful. I think I agree that the term might be best avoided if we are trying to normalize nursing, especially NIP. But, this is a concession to a sort of uptight propriety.
This is making me wonder if anyone has done research on whether breastfeeding rates in a given country (region, etc) correlate positively with sex-positive attitudes.
"Personally, I don’t think we should cede words because half of society uses them incorrectly or doesn’t know what the word actually means."
THAT.
I think you are entirely right.
The problem arises from our fear of sex- intimate becomes a euphemism for sex and that connotation overwhelms the others.
Breastfeeding is intimate.
It's also natural. And time consuming. And fulfilling. And painful. And exciting. And miraculous. And a struggle. And loving. And peaceful. And irritating. And amazing.
So is having a baby. And partnership.
We have limited words available to us. Should we further restrict our ability to convey our limitless feelings through words by confining their use only to specific categories based on appropriateness? And if so, who gets to decide said appropriateness?
Few words are so narrowly defined as to only be correctly used within one context.
I'm with those who say that breastfeeding absolutely is intimate (altho, as mentioned above, not always) but that does not mean that it's sexual or needs to be private.
But everything about mothering a small child is quite intimate, breastfeeding is just one part of it.
One of the things that I was really struck with when my daughter was a newborn (and that I continue to be amazed by, at almost two years old) is just how amazingly intimate our relationship is, both physically and emotionally.
No, we should not cede the word intimate because some people choose to think of only the definition related to sex. Like many words in the English language, intimate has many, fluid meanings and can be used for many situations. Intimate moments happen all the time in public. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, having an argument, sharing a laugh, crying, comforting....breastfeeding just one of those intimate acts that often occur in public.
"(that it is usually a disguised way of saying that it is shameful and possibly vaguely deviant)"
"usually" is much too strong. It can be used this way and often is.
Yeah, breastfeeding is intimate. Know what? It's also sensual. The latter word could accurately describe how wonderful skin-to-skin contact feels with a new baby, but if you dare use it, you're a perv.
Does this illuminate how few words there are to describe the powerful bond between parent and child? or does it tell us that we're so repressed about bodily functions and sensations that we automatically assume that anything associated with them is DIRTY??
I couldn’t agree more with your original comment.
However, in an effort to normalize breastfeeding, I think we should ditch it. Atthough we know what "intimacy" really means, we are collectively working to change the attitude of the masses. We have enough barriers and at least this we can control fairly easy; we don’t want to be brought down by mere vocabulary choices.
If I had to choose, I’d replace it with “loving”. “Love” is powerful and easy enough for all to understand. :)
Of course breastfeeding is intimate, but it's not always intimate. Sometimes it's just practical. Like this photo, I think it's more casual than intimate. It just looks like their babies got hungry and needed some milk, so mamas are feeding their babies. No big deal. I think the caption is just off and doesn't match the pic. It's also weird because it says "intimate moment... in public" which just doesn't sit right, since intimacy is a private thing. The definition of intimacy is "something of a personal or private nature."
I would not use the word "intimate" myself. Although, in fairness, I'm not sure I use the word in any context. I suppose it's just never been a word that jumps to mind for me.
I don't have a problem with somebody else using the word to describe breastfeeding, but I do have a problem with somebody else stating that breastfeeding must necessarily be private. And so when someone is using the word 'intimate' to imply 'sexual, private, not for public consumption' then I have an issue. Like any word, it can be wielded in different ways to different effect, and so making blanket statements about its use is difficult. It is not clearly offensive, and so we can dwell in the grey area here.
Breastfeeding can be a very intimate moment between you and your child. My husband use to sit and speak to me in whispers while I nursed our daughter. He would say how beautiful we were together. That was intimate. Those moments are love in it's purest form. Yes intimacy can be described as a more than just beauty or purity but does it matter?
Flada:
I guess different people see different things in any image. I chose that photo (which is not the same photo being commented on over at Blacktating) because I thought it illustrated an intimate moment between two friends. I don't think intimacy always happens in private. I have had many intimate conversations while walking in park, sitting in a cafe, having a quiet dinner.
I think I love you. :)
I've nursed a stranger's baby (long story) and it definitely wasn't intimate. It was a functional part of taking care of the baby at her bedtime, she was confused, then latched on and passed out. And yes, the mother asked me to.
LOVE this too!!!!
I agree 100% with your interpretation of the word intimate. I do think the way it triggers some people can muddy up the conversation though so I wouldn't be opposed to dropping the use of it. Yes, it is a concession but there are worse ones.
[...] shared an interesting post today, which referenced a debate going on about whether the word “intimate” should be [...]
I agree with you Annie. Breastfeeding is functional, nuturing and intimate at time a mixture of the 3 and at times not. I love the closeness my daughter and I share, and I quite differently than some, rather than reacting to referring to the act as intimate... I have trouble with the very practical view of simply feeding. The sum is greater than the parts.
Is calling Bfing "intimate" another way to say "get a room"? I guess it is, too bad... but I'd rather have intimate as a word I can have for the feelings I have about nursing that to give its power away folks who don't feel it.
I just commented over there - yes, bfing is intimate. Intimate does not immediately and solely equal sexual.
My thought, though, is that the word intimate was being used as code for "why are you putting that naked fat woman on my facebook feed, when she is breastfeeding a baby WAY TOO OLD to be nursing," or something along those lines...
My response there was this:
"I have no issue with the word intimate being used to describe breastfeeding. Perhaps that is because I never use it to describe sex. It just does not carry the same connotation for me in any capacity. Perhaps it is not a word that should be taken out of the breastfeeding language but more of something that should be thought about with regards to describing sex. IDK when I hear sex described that way, it seems like it is done as more of a polite terminology than actual terminology. Does that make sense?"
I know the intent is to promote breastfeeding...but can't bottlefeeding be "intimate" as well? Those mothers who are unable (or even simply unwilling) to breastfeed can have equally "intimate" moments while cuddling and bottlefeeding their children (sometimes referred to as "bottle-nursing"). Yet no one would suggest you keep those photos to yourself or not bottlefeed in public.
And on the other hand, sometimes breastfeeding (or bottlefeeding) is purely practical. It is definitely not a deep, intimate experience every single time I nurse my baby. Likewise, it's not particularly intimate every time I feed my preschooler his lunch. It's just a meal.
you are bang on. like many of us, she isn't a nursing super model and she is very exposed in her humanity. i love that she loves her expereince nursing, her baby and herself so much that she didn't let the voices from with in or with out tell her to hurry up and get some shame. that picture made me feel awesome
I agree with the idea that breastfeeding is, in fact, intimate. I really don't think there's any denying that. I also appreciate your point that there are times when it is purely functional.
The thing with words, however, is that they have absolutely no meaning on their own. It is an understood and agreed upon definition - which is often, as in this case, muddled by connotation - that gives them meaning. Without that assigned meaning, they are useless. To use a word in one way, with complete awareness that it will be understood in another way is simply counter-productive. It's like referencing inside jokes in a large group - it's confusing at best, and self absorbed at worst.
There are certain situations in which I know I can describe nursing as intimate and be understood, but there are other situations in which I, personally, would consider it best to choose a word that will make my meaning more clear to those I'm communicating with.
A pregnant beautician was asked if she was going to breastfeed her baby, and her reply was something like, "Oh, no, having a baby suck on my breast is just too intimate." Now this was a women that probably manicured and pedicured other women (handling their hands and feet), shampooed and styled their hair, gave them scalp massages, and possibly waxed not just their eyebrows but also more personal areas. And the thought of her own baby putting it's mouth on her breast was too intimate. This is a cultural construct, not just a matter of semantics. As the anthropologists say, perception is all.
If you look at the original photo - the whole thing just smacks of homophobia. If it was a thin, straight woman would we be having this conversation? I've actually had that thought cross my mind as my nursing relationship continues on with my daughter. I'm a lesbian, so at what poing will people start making comments about that aspect of it?
I remain undecided about the "intimacy" issue.
i think the person complaining about the photo on the blacktating blog is more likely expressing homophobia and fatphobia when she says the photo makes her sick. as elita says, it is these qualities that make the photo subversive. the message i got from the comment was: if you are queer and fat, please be queer and fat in private. if elita had posted the (yes, intimate, in my opinion) photo you posted here, i doubt there would have been the same comment. personally, the word 'private' is the one that got my goat. we should not have to be private about our queerness, our fatness, OR feeding our babies. intimate moments, as others have stated, are often very public- and beautiful, to me. my heart sings when i see a mom in an intimate nursing moment, or friends in an intimate embrace, or lovers sharing an intimate gaze. intimate to me conjures up love, and i think the more models of love we see on display, the better! but....maybe that's just me.
LOVE LOVE LOVE this response!! You hit the nail right on the head!
I'm a lesbian too, and no one said anything like that in 19.5 months of nursing my daughter :)
Breastfeeding is highly intimate. It is one of the great things that helps me bond with my son, and he and I love our breastfeeding relationship (he is 14 months old).
Speaking of bonding. Lest we forget that yes, the same hormone (oxytocin) that makes you bond with your partner (and is released during orgasm and with nipple stimulation) is the same one that is released during breastfeeding? It's not called the bonding hormone for nothing. It's there to propagate the species - to make you bond with your partner so you'll reproduce, and then to make you bond with your child so you'll take care of him/her. So of course there is some overlap in those two worlds. Your are intimate with your partner in a sexual way, but you are necessarily intimate with your baby in a non-sexual way.
It's NOT wrong, and it's NOT shameful to suggest that both acts are intimate. It's a matter of simple biology.
Funny this must be the week for breastfeeding/intimacy talk because on Monday, Danielle (www.zealandsmom.blogspot.com )posted on her blog a guest blog post (my first, maybe my last) that I wrote on this very topic. When it rains...
The title of the post is "Public Display of Affection" and it is about nursing in public, can you guess where I stand? :)
If it weren't for the last sentence (It makes me sick) of that comment, I would maybe say that the author, depending on her own comfort level, could have a point. Lots of things are intimate, and not everyone is comfortable with breasts or nudity. The husband of a friend of mine started to feel uncomfortable being nude around his daughter when she was under two.
Last week, I was in a shop buying a sandwich, when I happened to glance over at a couple sitting nearby at a table. The man leaned over and kissed the woman on the cheek, then stroked the side of her face with his hand. Seemingly chaste, but the look in his eyes was so tender, and the gesture so loving, that I felt I had intruded on something private.
However....that last sentence....sick? Really? Out of all the disgusting, disturbing and just plain wrong things in this world, and it's a mother feeding her child that makes her sick?
I wonder if this is a bit of a chicken-and-egg problem. I realize language impacts us in ways we often fail to realize... but I also doubt that removing the word "intimate" from breastfeeding-related language would really change people's perceptions of whether breastfeeding is a public or private thing. I don't think people go, "Oh, you say breastfeeding is intimate? Then it must be done in private!" Instead, they have deep-deated views about how appropriate (or not) breastfeeding is which likely stem from how much or how little they were exposed to it, how they feel about their own bodies and nakedness in general, etc, factors that have been at play in forming their view for years. That person would likely still have made that comment even if the word "intimate" were not part of it-- they may have just chosen a different word instead.
PS- I just clicked over and looked at the original picture... and I also get the sense that a lot of the disgust the commenter felt towards the photo is due to a) the mother being naked (and overweight, two things that cultural norms dictate should NEVER mix, right?) and b) the baby being older as opposed to a small infant. I wonder if they would've had the same response and reaction to, say, the photo you posted instead...
Marcy:
No, I don' think they would have the same reaction, which is really part of my point. People are not afraid of seeing all things intimate, so I don't think it is necessary to remove the label of intimate from breastfeeding. I think instead we need to work on people's hang-ups about nudity, non-supermodel bodies, breastfeeding an older baby/toddler/child and breastfeeding while uncovered.
Yes, yes, yes. I am surprised by the physicality of our relationship all the time, even now that she's weaned. And that's something I feel like I can't say out in public, given the whole lesbian thing. But it's so... touchy! Feely! And I love it.
I share many intimate moments with my son, and have shared many intimate moments with my friends; as a writer, I always specify when using the word "intimate" if it's sexual. Not all intimate moments or actions are sexual.
I would like the people who complain that they do not want to see breastfeeding in public because it is "intimate" to come live where I live, in Madagascar. I regularly see women breastfeeding their babies and toddlers while they are sitting by their stands and the side of the polluted street, trying to sell the little food that they harvested the day before. Should these women not be allowed to breastfeed their baby while trying to earn a living because the act is too "intimate"?
And if these women can feed their babies, why can't I breastfeed mine in public.? Why is it necessarily an intimate-not-functional act in my case? Because I'm white?
Annie,
Personally, I think breastfeeding is beautiful and yes, intimate but not in a sexual way. If someone is uncomfortable because they view intimacy as sexual, they should look away or not look period. Breasts are for feeding babies but yes, they are viewed as "sexy" and this skews the way people see breastfeeding. I hear this from people I know all of the time and it is their own discomfort because they do not see breasts for feeding babies because they were not breastfeed or grew up with breastfeeding being normal. What I see as normal you may not and thus the debate begins.
I remember teaching preschool years ago and I had a little girl lift up her shirt to feed her baby doll. A parent saw this and freaked out! I had to explain to her that this little girl had two twin sisters that were being breastfed. She does not even know what a baby bottle is so why would she pretend to feed a baby a bottle, to her mommy lifts up her shirt and feeds her little sister. Children act out what they see. Needless to say, we did have to ask the child to pretend with her shirt down but we could not very well make her pretend to feed a doll with a bottle! Another example of how what normal is to one person is not always the norm to the next person.
Fascinating discussion.
I haven't read the other post yet, but am commenting in response to the discussion here. :)
I am having my 3rd child this November. For me, there are 3 words commonly used to describe breastfeeding that really skeeve me out. Intimate, sensual, and pleasureable. The reason why is because I am a survivor of childhood incest.
I tried to nurse ds2, but could not overcome my mental illness from the years of sexual assault. I have no idea if this time will be different or not. I sure hope so. Having put in many years of therapy, I'm praying this will be the pay off.
That said, my friends know about my past and while they are incredible at encouraging me to at least give bf'ing a try, they are careful with the words they choose to describe it around me. I am so grateful for that.
Perhaps not thinking of it as compromising in what is clearly a hot topic, we should all think of it as being gentle and compassionate with our words. You never know if a woman like me is watching, listening, and could be encouraged by the way it's described.
:)
I think breastfeeding is very intimate. In my opinion its a bond that is created between mother and child and this bond cannot exist if there is no intimacy. Like what one of the posts I read indicated that she had breastfed someone else's child but didn't feel any intimacy with the child. How is that possible? How can one even breastfeed in the first place if feelings of intimacy and closeness wasn't present. Anyway, I would call this "child-parent intimacy"!
Then you have another type of intimacy which is shared amongst adults. "Adult intimacy" and without it, a relationship would probably have NO 'magic'. Let alone the sexual relationship, that'l probably be a disaster. :-)
How is it possible? There was no intimacy when a IBCLC hand expressed milk from my breast like a cow, there's no intimacy when I used a PIS pump and there was no intimacy between me and the baby. I don't even understand the question.