Thursday
Apr122012
Step Aside, Mommy Wars, Let's Talk Policy
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The American feminist blogosphere is aflutter this week with discussion of a war of words between Hilary Rosen and Ann Romney about working moms and stay at home moms. It is a discussion deeply rooted in class warfare and mommy warfare and nicely wrapped up in partisan politics. It is a discussion that has played out over, and over, and over again in the past and again this week.
The renewed discussion has brought out some brilliant voices, for sure. On Mom 101, Liz wrote about the myth of the rich, selfish, working mom, noting the many reasons, beyond financial necessity that mothers choose to work. On Black Girl in Maine, Shay wrote about the way our choices are limited by the cards we are dealt in life, concluding that:
These are important conversations to have, especially when dealing with people who are still in denial and think this is a simple black and white issue. But they are also conversations that don't deserve and shouldn't need nearly as much vitriol. If women and families were supported in the choices that they make, perhaps this whole mommy war would fizzle out into something not much more controversial than playground discussions about whether to puree your baby's food or not.
Let me give you an example. In Quebec, where I live, there is a subsidized day care program and a child care tax credit for parents who do not get a space in the subsidized program. Parents who get a subsidized day care space pay $7 per day for child care. Parents who don't get a subsidized space get to deduct child care expenses from their income on their federal taxes and they get between 26% and 75% of the money they spent on child care back as a tax credit on their provincial taxes (depending on income level). If you want to see what those policies would mean for your family, based on your income level and the rate you pay for child care, you can make your head explode with this handy little calculator.
I know, I know. People who don't know better are going to scream about how they don't want to pay for someone else's daycare when they chose not to have children or chose to stay at home with their children. What they don't know, however, is that they wouldn't be paying for it. Quebec's child care policies have been proven to pay for themselves and then some. For every $1.00 that Quebec taxpayers put in to subsidized day care, they get back $1.49 from the increased income taxes and consumption taxes resulting from higher maternal workforce participation. That's a pretty good return on investment, in my opinion.
We also have maternity and parental leave programs which are not perfect, but are a good start. Oh, and health care that is universally available instead of being tied to that crappy job that you really wish you could leave, but has amazing benefits so you can't.
I know there are Americans fighting for these things and I hope that they continue to fight that fight. Because I agree with Ann Romney that "all moms are entitled to choose their path". I just don't think the current system gives them the flexibility and support needed to do so and that is a problem for mothers, for families, for children, and for the economy. As with real wars, these mommy wars are not truly about a clash between moms, but about a system that has let people down, poured fuel on the fire, and left each family to fend for themselves.
Can we call a cease fire on the mommy wars and find a way to make things easier for all mothers, regardless of their choices?
Image credit: davi sommerfield on flickr
The renewed discussion has brought out some brilliant voices, for sure. On Mom 101, Liz wrote about the myth of the rich, selfish, working mom, noting the many reasons, beyond financial necessity that mothers choose to work. On Black Girl in Maine, Shay wrote about the way our choices are limited by the cards we are dealt in life, concluding that:
In the end, we all make choices, we have too, its part of this experience we call living life but let’s not kid ourselves that we all have the ability to make the same choices because we don’t. Who and what we are shape the decisions and choices we make.
These are important conversations to have, especially when dealing with people who are still in denial and think this is a simple black and white issue. But they are also conversations that don't deserve and shouldn't need nearly as much vitriol. If women and families were supported in the choices that they make, perhaps this whole mommy war would fizzle out into something not much more controversial than playground discussions about whether to puree your baby's food or not.
Let me give you an example. In Quebec, where I live, there is a subsidized day care program and a child care tax credit for parents who do not get a space in the subsidized program. Parents who get a subsidized day care space pay $7 per day for child care. Parents who don't get a subsidized space get to deduct child care expenses from their income on their federal taxes and they get between 26% and 75% of the money they spent on child care back as a tax credit on their provincial taxes (depending on income level). If you want to see what those policies would mean for your family, based on your income level and the rate you pay for child care, you can make your head explode with this handy little calculator.
I know, I know. People who don't know better are going to scream about how they don't want to pay for someone else's daycare when they chose not to have children or chose to stay at home with their children. What they don't know, however, is that they wouldn't be paying for it. Quebec's child care policies have been proven to pay for themselves and then some. For every $1.00 that Quebec taxpayers put in to subsidized day care, they get back $1.49 from the increased income taxes and consumption taxes resulting from higher maternal workforce participation. That's a pretty good return on investment, in my opinion.
We also have maternity and parental leave programs which are not perfect, but are a good start. Oh, and health care that is universally available instead of being tied to that crappy job that you really wish you could leave, but has amazing benefits so you can't.
I know there are Americans fighting for these things and I hope that they continue to fight that fight. Because I agree with Ann Romney that "all moms are entitled to choose their path". I just don't think the current system gives them the flexibility and support needed to do so and that is a problem for mothers, for families, for children, and for the economy. As with real wars, these mommy wars are not truly about a clash between moms, but about a system that has let people down, poured fuel on the fire, and left each family to fend for themselves.Can we call a cease fire on the mommy wars and find a way to make things easier for all mothers, regardless of their choices?
Image credit: davi sommerfield on flickr
Reader Comments (81)
Other people pay for the roads you drive your car on. Just saying
Thanks Kelly.
Good God.
Sure there's a strong case to be made for keeping children under two with mom. Kids don't go to school at age two, however. There are a number of things that families have to consider before they can make the decision to have one parent stay at home. Should my husband and I not purchase the house that's right for our family's long-term needs because one of us must stay at home with our pre-k's in the shorter-term? Should one of us leave our career for 6-10 years, lose all seniority and try to reenter our field with a dusty resume, all while trying to compete with a hundred and fifty other applicants, when in the long-term it's going to be better for our family to have two incomes? Childcare does not consume the entirety of our second income, it sure does make our lives more challenging in the shorter-term. We're going to be a family forever, however, and we need to think about what's best for us even after all of our kids are in school. It will be better for us to be in this house, and for us to have two incomes. My step-sister is currently trying to reenter the job market after staying at home until her kids were both in school (10 years). This is an awful time to be looking for a job, but she couldn't have known that at the time. I don't think that she regrets her decision one bit, but that doesn't mean that what was right for her family is right for every family. Going to work doesn't mean that you don't want to take care of your kids or that you're sloth-like and irresponsible. It's absolutely necessary for some families, and the best choice for many others.
I'm not trying to be a part of the mommy wars here, by the way. I agree with Annie's point about the investment and the subsidy provides a good return for the government, but for families as well. A childcare subsidy would give our family more flexibility to think about the big picture and to make the choices that are in our overall best interests. Right now it's pay check to pay check, no savings.
I have been a sahm, I have worked from home half-time with an infant, and I now I work out of the home. Each has been incredibly challenging, exhausting, difficult for different reasons.
I'm tired of this war too...I don't get the judging and vitriol this topic brings out. Are women really that incapable of putting themselves in another's shoes for a few minutes to imagine what their life might be like? Are we that arrogant to assume we know what we would do faced with a different deck of cards than our own?
From my experience, my preference would be to be home, not have to work, until my child is 3. That's my preference, it's not an option for me now though, and I would never impose my personal preferences on anyone else.
I don't think American politicians, government, employers "value" family.
Already addressed the roads. But all these arguments about careers, buying a house now vs later, and on and on...has little to do with mommy wars but priorities. I'd love a vacation home now, so maybe I should go back to work and get that going. Well, no, it's more important for me to be there for my kid all day til she's in school. So I make that choice. If you want to buy a bigger house for your long-term needs (I would argue that your child's early development is also a "long term" thing, as it bears out for the long term) but that's your choice. I don't see why the rest of the country needs to pay more taxed or otherwise help you out so you can have a bigger house. This argument is crazy. Also, to those living paycheck to paycheck...that's what a lot of young couples do. That's what my parents did. It's not abnormal. It's not ideal, but you have to live with the hand your dealt. It's not the government's job to make your day-to-day life easier. It's just not. All these arguments make a mockery out of welfare and social safety nets that help people who are TRULY in need. The lot of you just don't seem like you understand it takes time to build a life and you can't have everything NOW without a struggle. That's what life is about!
Yes, just posting a different perspective from the "working not out of immediate necessity" world. Not passing judgement on any of the many combinations of choices or not-choices out there.
As an passionate advocate for children's rights, I find the lack of quality care for children the biggest discussion that needs to be happening for mothers. I worked for 5 years and an Early Childhood Educator and 5 years at a Montessori school. I loved my jobs and every child that came into my life. However I also got to meet a lot of parents and the biggest issue I saw was when parents made decisions based only on what they felt they needed not what was always best for the child. There needs to be more family support for sure, there also needs to be more reasons for quality child care providers to remain in the business. It is the hardest job I have ever had to do and there was NO possible way to attend to each child's needs the way the deserved. It was heartbreaking and unfair. Day cares are overflowing and even in Quebec (where I live as well) that has wonderful support the amount of Quality centers was abysmal.
When we were blessed to have our first child, i quickly made the choice to stay home with him. Most of my friends went back to work after their children and the hardest part of their return to work was the lack options for care. So if this is going to be a climate where most mothers have to return to the work force for whatever reason we need to find a way to make sure the children are as supported as possible.
1. I never gave you the square footage of my house. It's not extravagant. What it is, is a decent size in a neighborhood that fits our needs in many ways. And it's certainly not a vacation home. That's a luxury.
2. You're getting into Mommy-wars here if you're implying that working outside the home is having a negative effect on my children's early development. We work very hard to meet their needs as best we can, and they're doing wonderfully. My second certainly needed mom more than my first, and I think that you and I can agree that maternity leave to stay with her longer would have been helpful.
3. I'm not averse to budgeting or making sacrifices (let me list them...) but living paycheck to paycheck is not in any family's best interest. It can put everyone at risk.
4. My kids will all be in school someday. I won't need childcare any more. My kids will move out and not cost me nearly as much some day. I wouldn't begrudge continuing to pay taxes that supported a childcare subsidy because I agree with Annie that it's an investment in my community.
[...] Annie from PhD In Parenting – Step Aside, Mommy Wars, Let’s Talk Policy [...]
I agree. I have not lived abroad, but I have read in comments of people who HAVE that in certain European countries like Germany and Switzerland, there is much more of an expectation for moms to stay home AND that in these countries and more (France, Italy, Spain) you don't see many women in top level positions and it's more difficult for women of childbearing age to get jobs (or "careers" whatever...) I really DON'T think in real, day-to-day life there are "mommy wars" in the U.S. a MAJORITY of women with children do work outside the home according to statistics, so it's just an accepted part of life here. I think that people like to blow off steam and express what they really think online in ways that they can't in real life. I think these cultural "wars" are to a large extent media constructs...until it comes to a point of affecting someone's financial bottom line (which we're not even close to having happen in the U.S. with all the other problems they're dealing with).
I couldn't agree more!! When we invest in our kids, we invest in our nations future. How does the US not see that? It very honestly blows my mind how little we value family in the US. The choice to stay at home isn't really a choice for most parents here and that is very sad. I could tell you my anecdotal story about why I "have" to work, but I honestly don't see the point and I am in no way interested in fueling the mommy wars or prompting a comment from someone who will explain why I actually don't "have" to work. The truth is our current system does not allow or support women women in making any real choices. Moms in the US, and everwhere, need to QUIT fighting each other and start fighting the system for real change and not just lip service to family values we so obviously do NOT have. I swear that the government is fueling the mommy war fire so that nothing is demaded of them.
I have promised myself that I will turn my anger into action and fight for the cause, so that my daughter doesn't have to make these kinds of non decisions when she has kids. So, if anyone has any great organziations they support for this cause, please let me know. I would LOVE to get involved more and will be sending this to my congressman.
I know that no system is perfect, but it seems Canada understands the very real return on investing in it's future. Thanks for writing this Annie and sparking the passion I have for fghting for change!!!!
It is interesting to see Canadian reactions to the American mommy wars.
All I can say is that dad started the mommy wars. They will not end until all fathers take equal responsibility for housework and childcare.
What is really depressing about this "debate" is that everyone is ignoring dad's role in it.
I really liked this post, and then made the mistake of reading the comments. Now I'm just feeling bad again about going back to work part-time when my daughter was 1 (and I definitely own these feelings, and realize no one "makes" me feel this way). But it seems like no matter how you try to spin it, the conversation will always come back to the "mommy wars."
Me too. I felt optimistic and hopeful until the comments devolved back into ripping each other to shreds. :/
I felt that both I and my kids had the best of both worlds when they were very young.
I am in a fairly lucrative profession where I don't have to work anywhere near full-time to make a decent living. I did not work outside the home at all until either of my kids were three months old. Then, I started working a few days a month. They also both had fabulous care: from me, my mother-in-law and two fantastic babysitters (not at the same time!) who had great creative ideas and tons of love for them. In addition, as someone with a handicap who had a lot of trouble getting down on the floor and playing with my babies (it was somewhat feasible with son #1, but by the time son #2 came along, I just couldn't do it), I was really happy to have loving caregivers for my children who could give them certain things that I physically couldn't.
Personally, I also felt I needed the intellectual stimulation of getting out of the house and working in the adult world. That's just the way I am. And I am hugely grateful for my profession, which has enabled me to play a fairly hands-on role in my kids' lives and still earn a living.
These are private matters. If my husband works all day and I take care of the home and that's the arrangement we agree upon between us, it's our decision. (Personally, it doesn't break down quite that way for us because my husband likes to cook and do his own laundry, but he's sloppy so I do do alot of the cleaning...but I digress.) Not all people share the values that every last task has to be done "equally"...it's not anyone's business. Just like it's not my business if a mama wants to put her small child in daycare. The burden should not be on me to fund it, though...
I'm not a fan of the "share all tasks equally" thing at all. If that works for a family, then great. But I think it is completely normal for people to have chores they love and chores they hate and being able to divide it up so that you never or rarely have to do the chores you hate is one of the big upsides to having a partner, in my opinion.
As I wrote in Share the Important Things, I think that raising children is something important that should be shared. I also think that both parents should continue to foster skills that would make them marketable in the workforce and that they find intellectually stimulating. That doesn't have to mean working outside the home, however. It can take on many forms.
I have absolutely no desire to be a SAHM. I love working. And working benefits my family financially in many many ways. But this post made me wish I was Canadian! Affording daycare is so hard. It's still worth it to work, for many reasons, but it's such a huge chunk.
If educating children over 6 years old is considered a public good why is the education and care of under 6 year olds not? This is an artificial distinction as far as I can tell.
I just want to say I really, really like you and your style. I think our difference might come from our backgrounds, me being an American with a blue-collar background who literally did "make it on my own" since age 18 when I moved out (and did not get significant material help from my family). I do realize that being white, female and reasonably attractive afforded me some privileges...anyway...often my comments are broadstroked for effect and because that's my personality, but I really appreciate your nuance and thoughtfulness...
Agreed! I mean, exactly how hard is it to become Canadian? We are very honestly considering it.
Speaking of other people raising your kids, I'm starting to feel like the world would have been better off had someone ELSE raised Mrs. Rochester's kids. Just sayin'.
I'm VERY fearful for my daughters' generation. I think people are working very hard here in America to undo the last 50 years. It seems that many states would like to eliminate women's access to family planning entirely - never mind giving working families a break on the high costs of child care. They couldn't care less about the high costs of child care because 1) the ones providing the care are working women, and women shouldn't be working in the first place, and 2) the higher the cost of child care, the fewer women there will be in the workforce. Remove women's ability to stand on their own 2 feet financially and to choose the size of their families, and what then? Why send daughters to college when they can't access birth control, or have to show their employer proof that they are not using it to not get pregnant, and then can't rejoin the work force when they become mothers (and of course they can't choose to end a pregnancy)? What amazes me is the number of women who are on board with this ... or can't be bothered to work up an opinion at all. I'm truly horrified by what is going on in America today. Makes the "mommy wars" look downright prosaic in comparison. I have no idea what kind of country my daughters are going to be navigating when they are adults. I'm just happy we live close to the border with a civilized country (Canada).
I'd really appreciate if everyone, on all sides of this discussion/debate, could be civil and think about the fact that there are people with feelings on the other side of the computer. I hate moderating comments because I love a lively discussion and really value engaging with people that have different opinions on issues. But if the language that is used isn't respectful, I will start throwing comments in the trash.
Yes, actually, the burden is on all of us to invest in our children. You don't live on an island, you live in a country where a large majority of mothers AND fathers work. These are your friends, or at least your neighbors, your fellow citizens. As an individual, you don't get to pick and choose what civic investments you want your tax money to go to. Society as a whole decides that. And society as a whole does better when children (and their families, including their parents) are well cared for. I don't much care to pay for this ridiculous automobile-based infrastructure that our society runs on but hey, the majority has spoken on that front too.
I was raised by a blue-collar single mother who has worked since the age of 14, and gave birth to me at the age of 17. I too have worked since the age of 17, though I managed to stay home with each of my daughters for most of their first year or so. There have been times when my income alone has supported my family, and I am very thankful that I was able to do that. Good luck for you that your husband was apparently never unemployed. What would you have done then? Lived on your savings, ok fine. But then when he's unemployed again 3 years later, for another year and a half? So either starve, go on public assistance, or be thankful YOU have a solid job. So many women are putting themselves into a precarious position by spending 5-10 years (or more) out of the work force and hoping that nothing ever happens to their husband's income. It reminds me of the couples that I used to see backpacking where the boyfriend/husband carried both backpacks and the girlfriend/wife traipsed alongside carrying a water bottle (if that). What happens if/when the person you are relying on isn't there - dies, divorces you, you divorce him, or just a straight-up unemployment? And believe it or not, these things DO HAPPEN, all the time, even to "good" people who breastfeed, use cloth diapers, pray to Jesus, do yoga, vote Republican, vote Democrat, or any other of the 1000 things we judge each other on. That is not to say that SAHMs don't work or that raising children isn't work - it's to say that our society doesn't compensate you financially to do so and last time I checked, you need money to function in this world.
Growing up I often lived in absolute poverty, even though my mother worked, because she was a single mother in the 70's and hence made $0.60 on a man's dollar. There was no money for child care - I rode public transportation home from school, let myself in with a key, and took care of myself until my mother got home at 6pm. We did not have any health insurance - by the dominant argument, I did not *deserve* it because my mother made "bad choices in life" ... by not aborting me when she was a teenager ... or was it to have sex as a teenager? ... never mind the whole rape issue ... but BAD CHOICES WERE MADE (apparently). So my mother and I did not deserve a livable income, or health insurance (not provided by jobs available to a young single mother). We didn't even have a phone or a car. I've had step throat and pneumonia, all without seeing a doctor. I used an ER when I broke my wrist at age 11 but we never went back to have them remove the cast because of the expense - it was removed at home with a band saw. The Lion's Club bought my glasses, which I desperately needed, at age 11. I never saw the dentist, never went for "well child" check-ups, and my shots were through the health department and were subsidized our else I wouldn't have had those either. And you bet I ate the free public school lunch.
And guess what? It turns out that I was not garbage after all. I have a high IQ, was always at the top of my class in school, and today I have a PhD in Genetics and no student debt. Me, the illegitimate offspring of an impoverished teenage mother from rural North Dakota. You bet she worked when I was a baby. She's worked my whole life, and she's the reason why I've worked my whole life, because I take NOTHING for granted. NOTHING. Women who leave the work force for a long stretch of time are taking a great gamble. Maybe it will pay off for you, maybe it will not. But this is life, and bad things happen to good people. You're not doing your kids any favors by pretending that's not the truth of it and taking it into account, somehow.
And investing in our children? How can anyone argue against that? How can you be so judgmental as to deny the innocent children of those who made different choices under different circumstances than you, the basics of human life and decency? Yes, those children ARE innocent, and they are NOT garbage, any more than I was. We need to get off our high horses of insisting that only the children of those who make the same "moral" choices as ourselves deserve to have any quality of life. All the children in America deserve the same basics of life. We are all - theoretically at least - born equal in this country. That means - access to health care, access to nourishing food, access to good education, and access to affordable child care because in 2012, two-income families are the norm in this country. And society must support those who make up the norm, whether individuals on the fringe agree or not. That is the point of a society, and even A *gasp* capitalist society comprised of ruggedly individualistic individuals is STILL a society.
For what it's worth Misty, I did that with both my daughters and lots of my friends have too and the kids are doing well.
The one child I know with behavioural problems was at home with Mum until starting school. Her problems stem from the parents breaking up.
Situations are so much more complex than these discussions often allow.
Wonderful discussion here.
Happy to see women talking.
Perhaps the blogosphere is akin to the 'consciousness raising' in-home gatherings of women in the 70s?
Let's continue to try to figure this out.
Let's not back into corners of us vs. they or me vs. they; in my opinion, binary thinking is the most dangerous/problematic.
Michele, I LOVE you and you honest words!!! You said it so much better than I EVER could. The judgement and assumptions I see from some people online blow my mind.
Thank you, thank you for this.
[...] at PhD in Parenting (via Mamafesto), I learned that the Mommy Wars are not about different opinions on parenting. [...]
[...] at PhD in Parenting (via Mamafesto), I learned that the Mommy Wars are not about different opinions on parenting. [...]