You are not a failure...
Friday, March 9, 2012 
Having a c-section does not make you a failure, but doctors who force unnecessary interventions on women are failing them.Being obese does not make a child a failure, but parents who only buy fried foods and don't give their children the chance to run around outside are failing their kids.
Being raped when you'd had too much to drink doesn't make you a failure, but it makes the jerk who assaulted you a rapist.
Failing a math test after you studied really hard for it doesn't make you a failure, but if your tutor purposely misled you on how to solve certain problems to guarantee you'd be back for more tutoring during summer school then she failed you.
Having a piece of chocolate cake doesn't make you a failure, but if your partner knows you are trying to lose weight and purposely brings home your favourite cake and eats it in front of you, then he failed you.
Being unemployed doesn't make you a failure, but if companies are discriminatory in their hiring practices, then they have failed you.
Being diagnosed with cancer doesn't make you a failure, but if you lived next to a factory that was leaching toxins into the environment, then that company failed you.
Being unsuccessful at gardening doesn't make you a failure, but if the vegetable vendor in your town sold you dud seeds to ensure you would have to buy from him, then he failed you.
Taking medication for mental health problems doesn't make you a failure, but if your doctor brushes aside your request for therapy and just takes out a prescription pad instead your doctor has failed you.
Not being able to breastfeed doesn't make you a failure, but...
...the people or companies who gave you bad breastfeeding advice failed you.
...the companies that sent you unsolicited formula samples in the mail failed you.
...the formula ads that kept popping up whenever breastfeeding seemed hard failed you.
...the nurse who unnecessarily supplemented your baby with formula or sugar water failed you.
...the person who suggested that nipple confusion is just a myth and it is not problem to give a bottle or pacifier to a newborn failed you.
...the hospital that gave you formula to take home "just in case" failed you.
...the family members who didn't support you failed you.
...the health insurance or medicare that didn't cover the cost of a lactation consultant and a breast pump failed you.
...the government and company that didn't give you maternity leave failed you.
...the doctor who said "just try formula" instead of helping you access real breastfeeding support failed you.
...the people who made you feel ashamed for breastfeeding in public failed you.
... the governments that have failed to establish a strong network of human milk banks failed you.
You are not a failure.
But those who have tried to hurt you for their own gain or out of their own incompetence have failed you.
It is time that we as women, as mothers, as humans, stop internalizing blame when things don't turn out the way that we hoped they would. It is time that we ask what is standing in our way and come up with a plan for dismantling those barriers. It is time that we call out those that seek to deceive us, hurt us, or to profit from our pain.
For some people, it seems as though there is comfort in knowing that there was no other possible way that things could have turned out. Their c-section, their unemployment, their inability to do math, their chocolate cake addiction, their cancer, or their inability to produce enough milk is what it is. There is nothing that could be done about it. I can understand that, because it makes it easier to push away the feelings of "I didn't try hard enough" or "maybe it is my fault". It brings some comfort and some ability to let go. And, in some cases, it may simply be the truth. There isn't always an answer as to why things went the way that they did and there are times when medical interventions are absolutely appropriate.
But that doesn't change the fact that there are things that need to change and there are barriers being put in front of people every single day. Simply accepting these things doesn't allow us to progress. It doesn't allow us to answer questions or solve problems for others, so that they won't have to go through the same struggle.
There is nothing I admire more than someone who has lived through tremendous difficulties and is willing to fight battles to ensure that others don't have to go through the same thing. I know that is a hard thing to take on and that it reopens wounds continually, but it is incredibly admirable and courageous. It helps change the world for the better. Some people can do that and others can't and I understand that.
Whether you can do that or not, as others go about advocating for change, please remember...
You are not a failure.
You are not a failure.
You are not a failure.
Image credit: signote on flickr
Reader Comments (67)
Exactly, I took the recent statement by the AAP a supportive not as more pressure. And more importantly as a way to bolster my side of the argument the next time my pediatrician says I should start solids between four and six months old.
I was coming here to make this point. The government doesn't have anything to do with our current network of blood-banks other than a regulatory/safety position, and so need have no more involvement over the creation or maintenance of a breast-milk banking network. Companies have spotted a need for this, and companies are rising up to fill the gap. However, the best thing we could do for our nation is pressure insurance companies to pay for either formula or banked milk - that way the price of banked milk would come down and insurance companies would push doctors and hospitals more to provide lactation coaching and push home-based breast feeding...
Love this. Thank you.
"It is time that we as women, as mothers, as humans, stop internalizing blame when things don't turn out the way that we hoped they would."
Yes.
Your government may be a republic, but "our" goverment is not.
I just want to point out a poster here.. Islam does not prohibit donor milk or wet nursing.. it is the ideal solution. What it prohibits is donor milk from mixed milk banks from anonymous donors. Because breastmilk from another woman ( 5 feedings) would make the children milk siblings the donor source must be identified. Given the way milk banks are run I cannot accept it. Informal milk sharing was not an option for us due to safety concearns. Had we had a close relative or friend who offered to donate we would have taken it.. with the agreement that this would establish a kinship relationship. This is not known among many who just advocate milk sharing at all costs. Also what I see alot is that mothers think if they BF theri child that is the sole best thing they can ever do for them. Even health care workers parrot that message.. it is very misleading and simply not true. There are much more that could be considered the best that you could do for your children than BF. I just say feed the baby, however one chooses to do it. I do not think BF mothers should be given a medal or expect praise for doing what they are supposed to be doing in the first place which is making sure their child is fed. How one chooses to do that is their choice and that choice should be respected. But for every BF mother who is accosted in public I bet there are 5 of them asking that FF mother why she isnt BF. BF advocacy has become almost cult like than fact based unbiased information. One has to look at the overall picture of child rearing.. you can BF them til they self wean but if all you feed them is McDs and other processed crap than chances are they will be obese compared to a FF child whos parent takes the time to prepare nutritious foods.
My guess would be that there are just as many moms who are harassed in some way for breastfeeding as for formula feeding, except that mothers actually get kicked out and arrested for breastfeeding in some places (but not for formula feeding). They are harassed by different groups of people (the sanctimonious versus the ignorant), but the harassment is there on both sides. I say this as someone who has bottle fed and breastfed in public.
Wonderful post Annie!
I wonder how many Mothers would feel less guilty about their choices if they knew that others misled them or failed them? I think quite a bit would. That is why I think keeping an open mind and having discussions between women are so crucial. I have many friends and relatives that were failed by health care providers when it came to breastfeeding. I can't go back in time and change that for them, but what I can do is be a source of information and support if they want it.
Good for you Elaine!! It is amazing to me sometimes the breastfeeding myths that come straight from physicians. I'm sure they mean well, but I wish they would put more effort into getting some formal lactation education instead of spouting off.
I had similar issues with my first being unable to latch -- for sure I could have done more research before having him, but one thing that never came up, was never mentioned by my OB or in hospital classes (after someone specifically asked) was that one of the risks of having an epidural was a sleepy baby. That because the epidural can slow labour, my baby might be "stuck" and pass meconium, necessitating him being taken from me, cleaned up, given back to me swaddled. That I would have to ask the nurse to help me put him to the breast (and that she would question why I would want to do so now, to wait until we got to a room). And that all this could mess up our bf relationship. That when I asked the nurses, wasn't there an expert in the hospital I could speak to (I had heard something about Dr. Newman having a clinic there, and he did at the time), they wouldn't give me the information. So yeah, research only goes so far when medical professionals don't give the right answers.
Thank you! I felt like a failure for years after having my first child and not being able to breastfeed. This is so true, and a message that needs to be spread.
Thank you for this Annie. I spent all of last week and >3000 words in two separate posts to kind of say the same thing. I need your gift of succinctness and ability to really get to the heart of things. If I haven't said so before (and I think I have), you really are my hero in all of this! Big love to you, N~
Thank you for writing and posting this. I was meant to see this. Thank you again.
Annie, this is so beautiful and important for so many moms to hear. I kept meeting moms who felt like a failure because they didn't get enough support when they wanted to breastfeed and I thought "Enough is enough!" I didn't want another mom to feel that way and miss out on the wonderful thing breastfeeding is.
That was the reason why I started writing my blog. I wanted moms to know that there are resources out there for them, and how to increase their likelihood to succeed with breastfeeding. It's so important to have a good support system and the right information.
I really hope you will add this post to be considered for BlogHer's Voice of the Year this year!
You are so right...this is a great post.
Annie, I understand what you are saying and anyone who has been following your posts on breastfeeding knows that you support women and want to see them have the support that they need after having a baby.
Breastfeeding is not always easy but with a good support system a mom has a fair chance at being successful and having a good experience breastfeeding her baby.
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