Toddler Hitting: 5 Strategies to Handle It
Wednesday, September 28, 2011 Does your child use hitting as a way to express displeasure? Do they smack other kids on the playground? Do they hit you if they don't get what they want? 
This is natural and normal behaviour for children who do not always have the words or the skills to handle difficult situations. Toddlers and preschoolers will often respond physically to situations that upset them because they have not yet learned other ways to respond. In this post, I'll share some ideas for dealing with hitting in toddlers.
1. Stop the Hitting
The first thing that I do is to stop the hitting. As gently as possible, I will hold my child's hands and look her in the eye and explain in as few words as possible that we do not hit. A child who is angry and lashing out is not likely to listen to a long philosophical explanation of why physical violence is wrong, so I keep it simple.
Depending on the situation, I may also remove her. If she hit me or another child and is able to calm down immediately, then I wouldn't remove her. However, if she continues to lash out at me or at someone else, then I would pick her up calmly and take her somewhere else before dealing with the situation further. I have left playgrounds, stores, restaurants, and parties with children who could not calm down until they were outside of the situation.
The other benefit of removing your child is that you aren't having to deal with the situation directly under the eyes of everyone else who was witnessing it. I hate disciplining my children in public because I find myself making choices based on what would look right rather than what is the best thing to do.
2. Give Your Child's Feelings Words
If a child is hitting or kicking, there is a reason that they are doing so. That doesn't mean that it is okay for them to hit, but it is important to validate their feelings. I don't always do that in the heat of the moment, because I find that they are not usually ready to listen at that point. However, once things have settled down, I will try to talk to them and mirror their feelings back to them in words. I will try to express what was making them angry and ensure that they know that I understand that. I will help them to find words that they can use next time instead of hitting.
With non-verbal toddlers, it is hard to tell whether it is their lack of maturity or lack of words that is causing them to lash out. Last year, when we were in Berlin for the summer with our kids, I noticed my 3 year old was hitting kids on the playground more often than she usually did at home. She was also grabbing toys away from them. I realized quickly that she was simply lacking the words to say "stop that" or "please move" or "can I play with you". Once we gave her the few key phrases she needed in German and practiced them with her, she was fine. With toddlers that are just learning to talk, it may be worth practicing phrases that they can use instead of hitting.
3. Address Unmet Needs
Some natural parenting "experts" claim that hitting or other violent outbursts are always related to unmet needs. I don't think it is necessarily true that they always relate to unmet needs, however I do think that is frequently the case. Kids may hit to get attention, because they are hungry or tired, because they feel that they are not being listened to (by you, by other children), or simply because they feel like they have too little control over their own lives. If my child has started hitting more often, I try to figure out which of those needs isn't being met. Often they will not know it themselves. They just know that they are feeling off and end up lashing out as a result.
Sometimes hitting comes from parents telling kids what to do and not giving them any options. If parents give children more control, they should be less likely to lash out. Instead of asking my kids to do something, I prefer to tell them what to do, but provide options. So, instead of saying "would you like to put your shoes on now?", I'll say "It is time to put your shoes on. Would you like to wear the red ones or the blue ones?"
In terms of other needs, I try to figure out what they are and meet them. If they are tired or hungry, then maybe we need to shift gears for a snack, nap or relaxing activity. Maybe the day has just been too busy. If they are not getting enough attention, then maybe some special one-on-one time is needed to reconnect.
4. Give Them Alternatives to Hitting
Some kids hit because they don't know what else to do. They are angry or feel like they have been treated unfairly and don't know what to do about it, so they hit. I try to teach my kids alternatives to hitting. This can include:
- Using words: Helping them to express their feelings and use words to solve problems instead of hitting people. Sometimes that is as simple as saying "no". However, if kids feel like "no" is never respected, then they are unlikely to feel like that is an appropriate option instead of hitting.
- Walking away: Teaching them that they can walk away when someone is treating them badly instead of lashing back at that person.
- Stomping feet: If they do feel the need to react physically to their anger, I like to give them options like stomping their feet or pounding their fists into a pillow.
- Asking for help: I think it is good for children to learn to solve their own problems and disputes. However, I would rather my kids ask for help with a difficult situation than have them resort to violence. So if they are having trouble with another kid, I would encourage them to ask me, a teacher or other trusted adult for help.
5. Don't Hit Your Child
This probably goes without saying for most of the readers of this blog, but hitting teaches hitting. It is pretty hard to teach a child not to hit if you are hitting them. A lot of parents seem to think it is okay to spank their child when the child isn't behaving the way they want them to, but then they expect their child not to hit anyone. Or, parents respond to hitting with more hitting, which may appear to "work" in the moment, but in the long-term just teaches the idea that the person who can hit the hardest wins. Modeling gentle responses and teaching our children how to handle difficult situations without resorting to hitting is the best thing we can do in the long-term to teach them that physical violence is not only wrong and disrespectful, but also unnecessary. I remind my children regularly, both when they have just hit me or someone else, as well as on peaceful occasions, that it is never okay for them to hit someone else and it is never okay for someone else to hit them.
More Resources
Gently Responding to an Aggressive Toddler - Natural Parents Network
Getting Out the Angries - Christine Benevuto - Mothering.com
Why Does He Hurt Me - Teresa Pitman - TodaysParent.com
Raising Your Spirited Child (Book) - Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Reader Comments (76)
[...] for trying to get a rise out of you. They want your attention, both good and bad. They may hit you, throw food on the floor, spread ketchup on the walls, or run away from you just to get a reaction [...]
The explosive child is AMAZING. Useful for all ages, in my opinion, and not just for kids that "explode".
I read it after it was recommended by CHEO at one of their talks for parents. They were saying that time-outs aren't recommended anymore except for very specific clinic situations and I was wondering what they suggested instead.
That is awful that you would label a child as a brat and all of the other labeling as bd that is considered bullying as far as your child not hitting, well your child might be a teaser that initiates the or antagonizes the other children or pushes them to a point where they purposely upset the child, I believe every child has their own issues each at times unique and also there are other factors that contribute to that that is not the child's fault so you might want to rethink your yelling and screaming and unnecessary show of attention when you do not know the situation at hand in detail or you may find yourself looking as the fool. I do not agree with the other parent yelling and screaming .
This is absolute crap, and half of the reason kids are so disrespectful today. Talking does crap in this situation. Kids tune you out after the first sentence. I think the creators of this website should raise some children first. I have raised 3 smart, respectful, independant, creative, sensitive children using techniques that this website does not approve of. There comes a point that the redirection has to meet or exceed the bad behavior.
I have seen firsthand the results of parenting by the style suggested by this site, and
IT DOES NOT WORK.
Thank you! We are dealing with a frustrating hitting phase with our 28 month old son. I have bounced all over the board with various techniques and discipline approaches in the past few months, trying to make sense of his hitting patterns and figure out how best to handle them. The thing that confuses me most is that my son is VERY verbal. In fact, he will even say "I want to hit her/him". Sometimes he says this about his/our friends that we see regularly. Sometimes it's directed at his 20 month old cousin. I am baffled by this because it's not based on aggression. It almost seems like a jealousy issue. In some instances, I have focused my attention on the child he hits, consoling them and ignoring my son momentarily. But then he gets very upset and even screams "my mommy!". I believe the primary reason for his hitting behavior has to do with seeking attention. I also think that many times, he is trying to engage the other child in play but lacks the social skills to do so. Most of the time his hitting is very gentle even, like he thinks it's a greeting! :-( I'm so frustrated and I know it's truly developmentally normal, but I just hate knowing that all of the "Mrs. Rochesters" out there think I must be a bad mommy because I can't control my toddler. Any suggestions for me since the hitting I see directed at his peers is rarely "anger" based?
I'm a photographer and you wouldn't believe how many shots I've had to delete from little kids fighting and hitting in the background at wedding receptions and such. It's really a difficult behavior to manage, as parents. Thanks for the article.
These are great tips!
I give a big shout out to prevention. have a toddler who needs quite a lot of supervision around others (he has a quick impulse to hit). I know his worst moods are around meals, or major transitions, and in general stimulus that makes him emotional. I'm consistent and calm in our chosen discipline, but more than anything what works is to be consistent in my prevention. When he's in a rut of wanting to hit, I can limit how long it lasts (days instead of weaks) if I really try to break up habit behavior that happens when cranky. Two year olds love their rituals and habits, no matter how inappropriate. I don't take him on errands, to public situations or to group playdates when it's anywhere near dinner time. I change the scene. I make less obvious the toys that make him possessive. I plan out the after-daycare time together in advance - I try to fill it with errands and my own baggage from the day. I know he misses his parents during the day, and he unloads some of this stress on us at night, so I try to think ahead of how to give him something new and interesting to do. A combination of prevention and consistency is the only thing that works until he morphs into an upswing of good behavior, and I get let down my guard until the next time there's some upheaval that makes him emotional, or he starts to find hitting interesting again. I just cross my fingers that as he matures, he grows out of this. This is so common in little two and three year olds. At this age they are far too little for anyone to try to assign blame here there or anywhere. They are simply too little, they cannot control their impulses well yet, and they cycle through emotions rapidly. It is too unfair to both them and parents to overthink it too much - it is what it is. But when your luck of the draw is a child who embraces the anger gene, I'm a huge fan of preventing the hitting in the first place to get it out of their reperatoire.
Adam, you are correct. Hitting, threatening and harsh discipline results often in children who are respectful, decent, well-liked young adults who do as they are told by their superiors. I was raised this way by my father who I love very much. I went on to marry a very nice man who is focused, with strong family values and we have a lovely young son. About a year ago I started having difficulty breathing and chest pain which I went to the doctor about (first time visiting a doctor in seven years - and I was 41 years of age). There was nothing physically wrong. Then I started realizing I was experiencing feelings of intense fear. I actually felt unsafe. I actually started believing my husband wanted to harm me(he has never raised a hand to me but does get angry and demanding). I spoke to a counsellor (the first time in my life) and gradually remembered I was terrified of my father as a child. As a child when I got home from school and saw his truck was not yet home it was always the greatest relief for me. My husband's anger outbursts were giving me flashbacks to a similar fear I'd had of my father. I want my son to be respectful - and hopefully he will be if we model these behaviors for him, but I insist that he has the courage to speak up for himself - even if it means speaking up to me. Think about this. When we hit a dog, it is called animal cruelty, when a spouse is hit it is domestic abuse, when someone hits a stranger it can result in jail time, when a grown adult hits a small child it is called a spank. Raising our son the way we do seems to be working. He is not afraid of us. But there are no guarantees. I never told my dad how affected I was by his discipline techniques. Neither will your children. They truly respect you too much. They don't respect you because your discipline techniques were more violent than those discussed in this blog. They respect you because they know you love them and did the best you could with the knowledge you had. We all do the best we know how.
[...] http://www.phdinparenting.com/2011/09/28/toddler-hitting-5-strategies-to-handle-it/#.UJuWzLe9Kc0 [...]
Adam Wykes,
I realize my response comes 6 months later than your comment so you may never see it. I can only assume which techniques you're applying on your kids because you only insinuate. But so that you know, I was raised by those techniques and although I turned out OK by most standards I believe it's despite of not because of. Kids are born with certain characteristics, certain tendencies, temperaments, and so forth. Both your wife and you might be extremely mellow people with a tendency for introspection, maybe your parents are the same way therefore your kids aren't about to turn out to be like Kanye West. My brothers & I don't have bad genes (or bad seeds) to pull from so of course we turned out OK despite some aggressive parenting techniques. However, now that I'm 37 my relationship with my mom is fractured. Not because I haven't forgiven her or because I hold a grudge but because she has seen the error of her ways and doesn't understand how I can't possibly hate her. Every time there's a conflict between us (for whatever reason) she shrinks and runs to my brothers, telling them I must hate her. I can laugh it off because I can just imagine the guilt she must be feeling. I have kids of my own. One is like her dad, in every way imaginable and the other is like me, it's like I'm getting a chance to parent myself...oh how I kiss him and hug him!!! It's like healing myself. And since it has been 6 months, we all know what happened at Sandy Hook, upon hearing of it that morning my first wish was for every parent not to have any regrets about the way they parented for the very short time they had them. I hope all those parents made time to squeeze in every hug and kiss and let the small stuff slide. Not for the children's sake because children are so forgiving, but for their own sake, because we can be so hard on ourselves at times.
I failed to add that, despite my intentional displays of unabashed affection towards my son he does have a tendency to smack. Usually my husband until last night when he smacked me. This morning I asked his daycare teachers if he was aggressive at school. They said, absolutely not, he plays well and is hilarious to interact with. So, I found my way to this site in order to decipher his behavior and find a KIND resolution to the situation. I'm not permissive but I approach parenting in a very deliberate way. Before last night, every time he would become the least bit aggressive towards me like kicking his legs when I changed his diaper, I would say, "that's a no-no, we don't kick mommy because it hurts." He stopped kicking his legs around for me but not for my husband. He's aggressive towards my husband because my husband is more aggressive than I am...or so I thought/think...last night he smacked me so I'm trying to figure out if it was a fluke or maybe a different approach is needed. My son is only 16.5 months but he's the most verbal in his "class", he talks and joins two words together that make sense. People find him easy to communicate with, he's an open book to me so despite his age we usually see eye to eye, most times it's literally eye to eye since I'm always on the floor which is why I was such an easy target last night. Basically my point is, Good Luck with your family's relationship, I do hope it works out to be a genuinely loving one once your kids are all grown-up. I hope they don't return the favor when you find yourself at their mercy due to age or other unforeseen life circumstances. I may be a weak or permissive parent in your view but I value my relationship with my son far too much. I don't know how far your memories go, but I remember clearly being preschool age (because I wasn't in Kinder yet) and getting smacked by my mom. It was a feeling of "But you love me, how can you hurt me when you love me? You do love me right? Right?!" It wasn't anything I was vocalizing, but it was my internal dialogue as it happened. (as you can imagine I never got the comforting response I needed.) I don't remember how she stopped or what happened afterwards but I do remember my grandma holding me and telling me SHE loved me while she cried with me. THAT is not a memory I want my son to have of me at any age. Like I said, I don't hold it against my mom, but I have told her I remember everything and I believe that's why she thinks I hate her...which is understandable.
I am so glad I found this URL . My (nearly 3 yr old) son is hitting/kicking my husband and I when its time to get dressed (after a bath) and I think its purely for his enjoyment to see our reaction. He laughs when we tell him to stop hitting/kicking, which is very frustrating for us. Ahhhhh the toddler years, I think the toddler years are harder than the first few months with a newborn!
I will try and implement the suggestions to see how we go.
Sally, Melbourne, Australia.
Thank you so much for this post. I was so disturbed today to hear from our neighbour's child that her grandmother said she will hit my 2 year old son the next time he hits one of her grandchildren (aged 4, 6 and 7). I told the 6 year old she needs to go home because an adult hitting my 2 year old son is very upsetting to me and I don't want to place her (the 6 yr old) or my son in a situation where she may end up being hit by my son, fuelling her grandmother's anger. She lingered, and less than a minute later, she is playing fighting with my son, play punching him. I explained to her that it is very confusing for him. When my son plays with these children, their dad plays boxing and wrestling with them which my boy loves. Consequently, every time he sees them, he thinks it's wrestling time! It's all fun and games til someone gets hurt :-P
I never realised being a parent can be so stressful. I'm constantly bombarded with advice, judgement, comments and 'looks' from others about my rough, often louder than most people like, beautifully happy and expressive 2 year old son. I am a single parent with one child and feel very misunderstood. Until I read about AP I had no idea there was a name for the way that I choose to parent my son. I'm constantly asked why I still breast feed, why isn't he in full time day care, why do we co sleep (I've stopped mentioning that one at all,) and told I need to be more firm with my son and I need to discipline him. (They mean discipline him their way, which usually means hitting him, or spanking him).
I am constantly seeking advice on hitting behaviour strategies, so this post is such a Godsend as it's one of the best I've read. I feel normal! I was over the moon when it seemed my son had ended the hitting behaviour, but it started again last week. Other parents don't realise the agony and empathy I feel when my son hits. When my response is so gentle toward my son, it does anger most parents and I get that flood of advice again.
The behaviour started again one afternoon after playgroup two weeks ago, when he was upset by something and couldn't express his feelings. He became so worked up, crying for me, yet hitting, threshing out at me whenever I tried to pick him up. If I gave him space it would just make it worse. He'd cry for me,but was lashing at me at the same time. Two lovely mothers who understand him, each in turn tried to gently talk with him, and help him through. His body just was not responding and we could all see the disconnect between his actions and what he wanted.
The first bout of hitting behaviour completely stopped after a series of regular chiropractic adjustments. I think I left it too long since that last visit, and five weeks on we were back to square one.
Reading this post tonight has reassured me that I'm on track and my son is absolutely normal.
Thanks to all the parents who have responded as your comments have helped this tired, lonely mother to feel supported.
casey nailed it. home run homie
I think most of what you said is very valid. Except your view on spanking. I was spanked as a child and as a result I know how to act and treat others, my younger sister on the other hand was never spanked and is, well, not many nice words come to mind. I have worked in childcare for over 5 years and it has strengthened my ideals on spanking. Children these days behave horribly because they get no discipline at home. I am not saying spank your child for every wrong doing, but sometimes it is needed. I have a 4 year old and she has gotten a few good spankings and because of it she is one of the best behaved children in her class. Her teachers praise her all the time for how well behaved she is. I just think parents need to stop worrying about being their child's friend and start being parents. I'll leave this with a quote my dad use to tell me "Your brain is attached to your spin, and your spin runs from the bottom of your skull down to your butt; sometimes a child's brain falls down from their head and into their butt and as a parent it is your job to smack it back up where it belongs"
!!!
My son started hitting other children at 22 months - he didn't touch older kids or static babies but other toddlers he would seek out to deliberately hit them or throw something at them. It was AWFUL! I wanted to curl up in a ball and never take him anywhere again.
A lady from the local Sure Start playgroup I go to saw us having a particularly bad day (she had known us since my son was tiny, so knew this was new) where he hit and threw at every child. She gave me some great advice which has really worked and 3 months later whilst I am still on guard when he is around other kids and there is the odd scuffle (sharing!) people say he is a different boy!
The advice:
Immediately and calmly remove the child from the situation and put them on a chair/ bench / buggy to sit alone but where they can still see the other children playing. I always say to him 'You don't hit/throw/hurt, etc' and gave him my best serious eyes, then ignored him for about 2-3 mins. After this I say 'You can come and play nicely now' and I repeat this time after time. Don't show any emotion and don't shout otherwise they are just getting the attention they want from you. Likewise at this age they don't understand the meaning of 'sorry' so that is something we will work in when he is older. Previously I had spent up to half an hour going back every few minutes to try and get him to say sorry. All that had done was wasted my time and given him my attention.
Keep taking them out and socialising them. I tried to stick mainly to places where we known and where I could say look I'm sorry in advance but we have this problem we are working on at the moment. And all my mummy friends were wonderful about it. I did stop inviting his friends to our house though as he always struggles with sharing his toys but last week he had 5 friends over to play one morning and other than the odd scuffle over one or two toys he was great.
And finally be consistent. Treat unacceptable behaviour the same way every time. It takes a while to sink in but they do get the hang.
I cannot say my son will never hit again but the improvement has been immense and I am so so pleased with him and myself at what we have achieved.
I am a boomer. Back when i was a kid there was a very simple resaon we did't hit our parents. FEAR! A slap to moms face after 5 years old would have probably got me a visit a hospital to reset some bones. My dad ruled with an iron fist and he made it clear he was the only one allowed to hit in our house. All siblings are produtive members of society and have kids all doing well. I never hit my kids but was tempted many times. I now have a grandson who at 3 years old throws things and hits people. All the talking in the world has not helped. I am starting to think this kid needs a bit of that fear we had as kids. Nots dads version, but a real appreciation for the fact that pain is not pleasant.
You people are gronks, your kids need authority not a pussy." I think they hit cause their tired or want attention" its all guessing with your phd in dopeyness. You are so quick to put the guilt trip on good parents, but did you ever think its dicks like you with bullshit phd in nothing that makes the world the way it is today. High levels of crime, drug use, assults, you get the drift. I was hit when i did something wrong so were my siblings, cousins and pretty much all my friends it tought us respect we all have good jobs own houses love our parents, etc, unlike this generation coming through now no respect no morales nothing cause of donkeys like you guilt tripping parents out of real discipline. You know the world did some pretty amazing shit with generation of child that where smacked, lets see what this generation of unsmack kids gives to the world.
Thanks so much for this! My 3-year-old son has started hitting other kids at preschool and when the teachers get onto him, he just laughs at them. I'm trying to solve this problem and your post has given me some great ideas. I may even link back to this post in an upcoming blog post of my own as I find it to be useful. Thanks again.
this is driving me to the brink.Our youngest boy (4 now) is costantly hitting/lashing out at us, his brother, other kids. No matter what we try it seems to make 0 difference.
If you try to talk he simply talks over you.
If you shout at him he shouts back.
Yes...sadly I have smacked him on many occassions for this as nothing else works. But guess what? Sometimes within 2 minutes he's hitting out again.
He's in trouble at school. I can't take him to play parks as he is constantly in fights. He's very quick tempered. Gets frustrated about everything, always has something wrong.
i AM at my witts end actually. Nothing seems to make any difference.
There are some really good suggestions here but I would add one thing, you have to make it clear that hitting anyone is completely unacceptable. To do that you have to remove any attention as negative attention is still attention. When your child hits someone else try and pay more attention to the victim than the perpetrator.
Look what happens in your average playschool when one kid hits another. Everyone stops and stars, teachers look horrified and the aggressor is suddenly the focus of attention, all of which is guaranteed to make it more thrilling to repeat the behaviour. Here is an article on hitting that shows the behaviour from a different perspective. http://anniethenanny.ca/what-to-do-with-a-child-that-hits/
My 4 year-old daughter has always had, and still has, crying/tantrum episodes every single day. it’s humiliating. Bedtime is so stressful EVERY DAY! And this is not the only time she is out of control.
I have tried it all; routine, stories, positive reinforcement, games, etc, etc., still, nothing works. We can't figure it out...we would appreciate your input...I'm all ears!!! Thanks!!
@Rebecca My baby is already 6 years old, but I can remember tantrum horror like it was yesterday. I had some advice from my mother; my favorite was time-outs...sparingly. Depending on the child, using a time-out occasionally, beginning at about the age of 18 months, may help her manage feelings better when she has a tantrum. A time-out can be helpful when your child's tantrum is especially intense and other techniques aren't working.
Placing your child in a quiet, or – better yet – boring spot for a brief period (about one minute per year of his age) can be a good lesson in self-soothing. Also there are videos online on how to talk with your toddler correctly. Most of them are rubbish, but few are gold. I found this one http://bit.ly/1RfF7ym helpful and this one is not bad too www.healthyfamilyhouse.com good luck!
We tried the time outs, alternative actions, etc. on our 4 year old until we got the eventual call from school stating that he had hit another boy in class. I spanked him to the fat meat after school and and he hasn't hit again.
Thank you so much for this insightful article. My son occasionally hits his classmates (not intentionally but because he can't express his feeling well. And thank you for reminding me not to give a long philisophical talk when he is crying (havent calmed down yet) I will be more patient when dealing these kinds of situation. Thank you again! :)
Many toddlers develop the habit of hitting others. Most indulge in it when they are upset, but some do it even when they are happy. No matter what, parents should nip this habit in the bud.