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Tuesday
Jul052011

No Cry It Out: 3 Years Later

Three years ago today, I wrote what has become the most viewed and the most popular post on this blog. I wrote the post, Cry it Out (CIO): 10 Reasons Why it is Not for Us, after years as a message board moderator where we would post lists and lists of links over and over again, each time someone asked what was so bad about cry it out or every time someone needed information to help convince their partner, parents, in-laws, friends, nosy neighbours or whoever else was sticking their nose into their business. I wrote the post as a support for parents who didn't want to let their babies cry it out and as information for parents who were exploring their options. I didn't write the post to make parents who chose cry it out feel guilty, but I also realized, of course, that it would. My feelings on this topic are perhaps stronger than my feelings on any other parenting topic and there really isn't a way to write about it without that shining through.

As I think back, with my children now 4 years old and almost 7 years old, I am considering how my views on cry it out have changed. Ultimately, they haven't. I don't think it is right. I think it is disrespectful and I think it has the potential to be harmful. That said, I have changed. I have realized that  we all have limits as parents and that we will all do things, at some point in time, that have the potential to be damaging to our kids or to our relationship with our kids. I was able, despite having one horrible sleeper and one clingy sleeper, to persevere and never use cry it out. There were tough bedtimes and rough nights, but we never left a crying baby or child alone to fall asleep while they sobbed. However, I've done other things, as a parent, that I am not proud of. For example, I tend to yell when I lose my patience. Perhaps there are other parents out there who opted to use cry it out, but who have never-ending patience during the day, never raise their voice to their child, and feel as strongly about that as I do about cry it out.

None of us are perfect. All of us have things we feel strongly about and things we feel less strongly about. If we could enter into conversations about these things with that understanding, they would be a lot less controversial. If someone comes into the discussion with the perspective that they are a perfect parent and that cry it out is the best thing ever, there will be hurt feelings and heated disagreements for sure. Just as I would be hurt reading an article about the problems with screaming at children, if I actually thought it was an effective and positive discipline technique.

Three years later, the post still averages more than 2000 page views per month, from search engines, message boards where it gets posted, and facebook shares. It is among the top five posts on my blog pretty much every day. It upsets some people for sure, but I hope at the same time it reassures others that they have made the right choice for their family and their child.

Now, if only I could get my post on Gentle Baby and Toddler Sleep Tips to be just as popular as the anti-CIO post.

Photo credit: .Dianna on flickr

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Reader Comments (75)

This exchange beautifully illustrates the two points I was trying to make above!

July 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSylvia@MaMammalia

Of course it's okay not to nurse the entire night (when the baby isn't a newborn)! But "nursing all night" and "letting the baby cry all night" are two opposite ends of the spectrum. Telling parents who are sleep deprived that their only two options are: "let the baby cry" or "nurse all night" isn't fair, nor realistic. There are many in-betweens which don't ignore baby's or mom's needs.

If there is a mother who is truly sleep deprived, and up nursing all night, the more compassionate advice than "you need to ignore your parenting instincts and do something which could potentially harm your baby or you'll end up crashing a car into a tree" would be something like... volunteering to watch the baby for a few hours during the day so Mom can rest, or, sharing a copy of Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution or Dr. Sears Baby Sleep Book, or, offering to babysit for the first shift of the evening, or, suggesting that mom pumps & stores a bit of milk so partner can take a night shift, etc. etc.

"And when an adult gets to that point, letting the baby cry so they can get some REM cycles in is sort of a necessity." Sleep training involving distress to baby & mom ISN'T necessary. Children eventually learn to sleep, just like they eventually learn to walk, without our "teaching". And if severe sleep deprivation is occurring, there ARE ways to help mom & baby get more sleep, without CIO. It just takes patience.

[...] for the inspiration for this post…sweetfineday via joannagoddard and phDinParenting… always great to [...]

Thanks for this response and I appreciate your clarification in cause versus worsening. Although the line that you use, "Another study showed that persistent crying episodes in infancy led to a 10 times greater chance of the child having ADHD, resulting in poor school performance and antisocial behaviour," seems to imply that crying leads to children having ADHD. I also didn't see an ADHD study listed in those sources. Did you take it from a book that sited it? I guess that's what I found confusing about the post.

I do think that certain parenting styles can worsen or stave off genetic predispositions so perhaps the safest route is not to do CIO since it is difficult to know where our children will fall out when they are small.

July 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAlex@LateEnough

@Erin: Well said! Thank you! Every situation and family is unique. One person's "instincts" can be different than another's. What this whole topic is really about is choice.

July 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTeresa V

Great!!! I too do not agree with letting babies "cry it out". And often get little support from that (downright angers my mother-in-law I think). But we all make choices as parents to do what we feel is best and draw our line in the sand! That was one of mine. My kids slept through the night young...but not always. And I had some sleepless nights because of it, but for me it as worth it. I have worked with kids with attatchment issues and I'm sure that played a role in the decision but it was also many of the reasons you listed. My girls are 7 and 3 and very secure and confident young ladies and I'm proud of my choice!

July 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKim D.

Oh on a side note my oldest had colic but I still didn't let her cry it out (held her while she cried). I don't want to give the impression it was always easy :)

July 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKim D.

Hello,
I thoroughly agree with what you've written... I just wish I had've found your article sooner! I can't seem to get it now :( maybe it's because I'm using my iPhone (with my toddler asleep on my lap ;)
I'd really like to read your anti CIO post. 6 yrs in, 2 gorgeous (empathetic, confident, kind, affectionate, etc.) kids & occasionally (less now thankfully), I/we cope flack for not doing the CIO...
I admire you for putting this forward. Thank you.
Warm wishes,
Vickie :)

August 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVickie Hill

It has always been one of my favourite articles!

phdinparenting, I am reading this post as I contemplate letting my 9 month old daughter CIO. She has never slept through the night. I work and its tough to be alert all through the day (without several cups of coffee) when she keeps waking up every 2 hours (on good nights). I have always been anti- CIO and its only desperate moments that make me think about trying it. Just wanted to know: is there anyone out there whose babies finally slept through the night without ever having to CIO? I dont care if it happened at 2 years age or more, just needed some hope that there will be some sleep at some point!

November 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPK

My kids are now 7 and 4 and they both sleep through the night.

My son woke frequently as a baby/toddler and I think he started sleeping through when he was 2 or 3 years old.

My daughter slept through or woke up maximum 1 or 2 times per night almost from birth as long as she was right next to me. She started sleeping through consistently when she was about 2 years old.

November 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterphdinparenting

Of course! Every child will eventually sleep through the night...and for centuries children learned to eventually sleep on there own without CIO or even childhood nighttime separation.

My daughter starting sleeping through the night without having to come into our bed at 2 (most nights). Some nights if kids are sick or have a nightmare or whatever, they may come crawl into our bed...but that doesn't bother us.

My son (3) still comes into our bed most nights but he just wakes up and joins us after midnight and, again, that isn't something that bothers us. We know he'll want his own space soon enough.

The new baby is the best sleeper of the three and he sometimes even sleeps through the whole night, from 8pm-7am, though mostly he wakes up for one feeding in the early morning.

My 4.5 year old started sleeping through the night (meaning, all night) around 2 years old. My 7 year old started sleeping through around 3 years. It happened naturally, without any "training"... I think sleeping just comes naturally, with maturity, like walking.

They both occasionally wake to use the bathroom, or get a drink of water, or if they have a bad dream, etc. - that's similar to adults. We have to keep in mind that even WE don't sleep through the night, so babies, who are still so new - growing and developing constantly - definitely shouldn't be expected to. How could they? Their stomachs are only as big as their fists. The bladders are even more tiny!

Be patient and empathetic. Sleep will come when baby is ready.

November 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkelly @kellynaturally

PK, here is some hope: My 1yo started sleeping through the night about 2 weeks after her first birthday. The day she decided to wean herself, that is. Before, she woke up 4-5 times and the day after once. Normally she now sleeps through, occasionally she will wake up and cry for her dummy.

My son took a little longer but slept through when he was two. He occasionally wakes up (bathroom, bad dream) but is usually back to sleep within minutes.

I would say, first try the gently sleep tips PhD suggests (a few comments earlier) and only then even start contemplating CIO. I wish you all the best and don't despair: There is hope!

November 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSandra

By the time my daughter was 18 months she was waking only once a night unless she was sick. She's two now and sleeps thru the night with just a half awaking that usually just needs a pat on the back to get her back to sleep soundly.

November 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterOlivia

Thank you all for the hopes! My daughter wakes up sometimes for feeding and sometimes for just some comfort. I wish she would sleep longer if she slept next to me but it doesn't make any difference! I will wait for this maturity to come as well...

November 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPK

I can understand the temptation- it gets soooo exhausting doing village style parenting with just one or two adults. I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old who have been tended to day and night very attentively. I've done extended breast feeding with both. I had to say no to night feeds with both of them when I hit the point of exhaustion (well, actually well past it). Both were at around 14 months old. Initially i said no to the 10pmish (very 'ish) & then no more "Momo" (breast feeding) until the birdies sing & the sun comes up. Lots of crying, but either I or my hubby (when I needed a break) were holding him/her & continually explains what was happening & why, offering water & telling them that mummy loves them very much. It was hard & pretty horrible, but no upset the next day so all was ok. The second night = significantly less. Third/fourth night just a drink of water. I tried all the techniques by Elizabeth Pantly & Pinky McKay first & they got my to last as long as I did. As long as you are there with your precious little one all will be ok. It's when they are left alone, terrified that they are going to die that the damage is done. I've witnessed long term emotional scarring & significant child-parent relationship damage from CIO. No doubt in my mind. Don't do it! Good luck, & take care...

January 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVickie Hill

PS. Pls excuse my lack of proof reading-. I just re-read my post! :-/ I've got a 2 yr old asleep & feeding on my lap..

January 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVickie Hill

I totally understand and generally agree with what you are saying. But I also hope you don't regret the anti-CIO too much ... It really helped and gave me the reaffirmation I was needing during a difficult time in our home, when I was starting to wonder WHY I wasn't doing CIO. Especially when my CIO friends were getting a full nights sleep while I sat, bleary eyed and exhausted. So thank you. Thank you for reminding me what was important TO ME; for reminding me WHO I wanted to be. Despite being bleary eyed and exhausted. Take care.

March 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGail

PK - My 3 year old started sleeping through the night at 2 years, once he completely stopped breastfeeding. I am now at it again with an 8 month old ...

March 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGail

Gail:

I'm not sure if you are writing to me (the author of the post) or one of the other commenters. If this was directed at me, I have no regrets at all that we didn't go the CIO route.

March 20, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterphdinparenting

elizabeth, are you so angry because you were letting your baby CIO. I find that anger begets anger. So your baby was crying and obviously upset you left him/her to CIO and hearing the cries perhaps raises negative emotions in you. I can't otherwise imagine why you were so angry you felt the need to lash out just because you were letting your baby CIO. And obviously while you were letting him/her CIO, you proceeded to look up info on the internet about CIO. If you are feeling unsure of doing CIO then why not be open to trying other techniques to getting y our little one to sleep?

April 11, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterhallo

Thank you very much for your post about "Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us"
im a mother of 4 months old baby, at the beginning i want to let her sleep alone in her crib, but when she was 2 weeks old, she keep vomit alot and cant sleep well. since that time, i let her sleep with us and til now she sleep well on our bed, and when its sleep time,i just have to hug her few minutes and she will fall a sleep with her doll. she woke up only when she is hungry, she sleep through the night sometimes until 11am. i think sleep more is good for her growth. i am so tired to hear all people comment about i should let her sleep alone, its dangerous to sleep with parents, bla bla.. and one more reason i am sure CIO is not for us. my mom have 8 kids, and all of them sleep with her when we r baby, we sleep with parents until we are ready to move to our own room. i was around 5 when i start sleep with my sister. and the result is all the kid have high achievement and good at school. all of us discipline and independent. i dont know if there is connection with co sleep when we are baby or not,but your post make it more clear that i will sleep with my baby til she is ready for her own room. thank you very much!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenternicandgil

Just linked it again!!! I am definitely one of the people increasing traffic to your sleep posts! They are so eloquently written. Especially since I don't want to take the time to repeat myself over and over on why CIO isn't for us. :) Thank you for your blog. I read it all the time.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSmoaksmom

Thanks for a great article,
My son is 2 and I was considering the cry it out tecnique as he is now a toddler and people say their babies have slept through since forever, but this article made me not to do it. By the way he slept through the other night anyway and the next and I suppose he'll do it when he is ready. However we all do mistakes as parents. Today I got fed up with him and consistently tried to force him against his will to sit in a high chair in a restaurant as I had paid my coffee and didn't want to leave the place. I saw other parents staring at me and I felt quite bad about it. I suppose we all loose our patience sometime.

October 9, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLisa
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