I won’t ask you why you didn’t breastfeed
Thursday, July 1, 2010 This post isn't addressed to any person in particular, but is addressed to any friend who ends up not breastfeeding. I was inspired to write it when I read these words by my friend Arwyn from Raising My Boychick:
So make the space. When someone says she didn’t breastfeed because it was creepy, listen to her. When someone doesn’t want to tell you why she didn’t breastfeed, or gives you a reason you know to be false, realize you don’t know the whole story, and grant her her privacy. When someone says she didn’t love every damn minute of nursing, don’t assume she’s anti-breastfeeding.
Mostly, shut up and listen.
I agree with Arwyn's words, but wanted to take it a step back and explain to my readers and friends why I won't ask: "Why aren't you breastfeeding?".
Dear friend,
I won't ask you why you didn't breastfeed. It isn't because I don't care about you (I do). It isn't because I don't want to hear your story (I'm here to listen). It isn't because I'm judging you smugly in silence (I'm not). But I won't ask you.
I won't ask you because it is none of my business. The decision to breastfeed or not is a very personal one. People sometimes have very personal reasons for choosing not to breastfeed. That can include medical reasons, past sexual abuse, or simply feeling repulsed by the idea of breastfeeding. Sometimes people really wanted to breastfeed and tried really hard, but it just didn't work out and talking about it opens the wounds again each time. So I won't ask, because I don't want people to feel forced into telling me something extremely personal and I also don't want them to lie about their reasons in order to avoid telling me something so personal. I respect your privacy.
I also won't ask you because I don't like people inadvertently spreading myths about breastfeeding. While a lot of people do stop breastfeeding for perfectly good reasons (personal ones or medical ones), there are also lots of people who stop breastfeeding because they believed something that just wasn't true. Maybe they thought their breasts would get saggy (not true), maybe they thought they didn't have enough milk because their baby always seemed hungry (sometimes true, but usually not), maybe they thought a bottle would help their baby sleep better (nope), maybe they believed that because their diet isn't perfect that their baby wouldn't get enough nutrients from breastmilk (not true). When they repeat those myths over and over again, other people internalize them, believe them, pass them along and contribute to myths passing as truths.
So I won't ask.
But if you do want to tell me your story, which a lot of people do, I am here to listen. I will, as Arwyn suggests, first and foremost shut up and listen. When I respond, I will never question whether you tried hard enough or whether your reasons were good enough. That isn't my place. I will support you and I will mourn with you the loss of your nursing relationship (if that is how you perceive it).
But, and this is where it becomes difficult for me, I will try to gently correct any incorrect information that you share. I won't jump right in and say "that is complete nonsense". Instead, I will ask questions and try to understand why you believe what you do. As I do that, I'll try to find the most gentle, caring way to share with you the information I have that is different.
This is really hard because people get defensive. They may get defensive because they are using a commonly held breastfeeding myth as a cover for a deeper reason for not breastfeeding that they do not want to share and they really don't want their cover to be blown. Or they may get defensive because they really believed that myth and if it isn't true, then it puts their decision into question. I don't want to blow anyone's cover and I don't want anyone to feel bad about a decision that they made, especially if they made it because of bad information given to them by someone else. But...but...but...I don't want other women to give up on breastfeeding because they believe something to be true that really isn't true and I don't want you to be robbed of the opportunity to nurse your future children (if you want to) because you believe something that really isn't true.
So I'll listen, I'll support you, I'll support your decision (whether made with good information or bad), but I will, ever so gently, correct any information that is not true. And I'm so sorry for that. I hope you can forgive me.
Take care,
Annie
I should note as well, because I couldn't find a way to work it into the letter, that if I know a friend is planning to breastfeed, I often try to arm them with good information (e.g. good books, good websites, how to find a lactation consultant) ahead of time and let them know that I am there if they have any questions at all. I extend the offer to help, but I don't push it. It is up to them to take me up on the offer if they so choose.
Image credit: Lettres de Lou by Arslan on flickr
Reader Comments (153)
PREEEEEEEEEACH
And to add to that, when a woman has tried her damndest to breastfeed, and it just did not work out, please be sure and tell her that she is NOT a bad mother and her child WILL be just fine and not damaged for life. Moms don't need any more guilt than we already carry!!
Annie - this is such an awesome post! I take the same approach that you do. I try to broach the topic with grace and gentleness, acknowledging how personal the decision is.
That said...Like you, I will humbly correct breastfeeding myths if they come up. Example: One of my neighbors is pregnant with her second baby. She told me that she supplemented in the hospital and for the first few days "until her milk came in" because she was told that the baby needed additional nutrients. As a result, her milk supply was super low when it did come in and she ended up not nursing. I very gently told her my nursing story and explained that colostrum is not only adequate, but AMAZING stuff. She asked, "But is it enough for the baby?" And I said, "Yes" and directed her to some great resources. I never want to be pushy, but I also think it is important to "speak the truth in love." :)
This post also reminded me of discussions about birth. I won't ask people why they chose to get an epidural, but I will speak up if incorrect information is presented about natural childbirth. For example, if someone says that home births are dangerous or that epidurals have no risks or wonders aloud why a woman "would go through all that pain when they can have safe drugs"...I say something. Kindly.
[...] http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/07/01/i-wont-ask-you-why-you-didnt-breastfeed/ [...]
[...] http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/07/01/i-wont-ask-you-why-you-didnt-breastfeed/ [...]
I just can't understand why so many people give a hoot how someone decides to feed their child. The bottom line is, formula feeding is a totally acceptable alternative to breastmilk so long as a clean water source is available. So maybe in other parts of the world, formula presents a definite health risk, but not in the US. I understand some women genuinely have misinformation about breastfeeding--like not realizing that small amounts of colostrum will sustain a newborn for a couple of days--but many many many women have all the correct information and just don't want to breastfeed anyway.
I am a physician. From a medical standpoint, the studies on breastmilk are mostly poor quality because we cannot randomize babies to breastmilk vs. formula for obvious reasons. Obviously, women who are committed to breastfeeding their babies come hell or high water are probably just as committed to other aspects of their children's lives which may explain some of the benefits seen in SOME studies. (I emphasize SOME because there are definitely studies which show no differences in outcome between the two groups.) Women who exclusively breastfeed are also more likely to be stay at home mothers whose children get to avoid daycare and all the germs that come with it so those kids may tend to have less infections earlier in life. (They'll probably have their turn in school instead.) Stay at home mothers also tend to be more affluent and have all the benefits that come with that.
My point is that the many of the suggested benefits of breastfeeding are more likely to be associated with the factors that allow women to breastfeed exlusively for long periods of time rather than the actual breastmilk or breastfeeding itself.
And to repeat my first line, why do so many people give a hoot how someone else feeds their child? If the child is not neglected and growing and healthy (which the vast majority of breastfed and formula fed children are), why do you care?
Joanna:
I would suggest you read http://www.ahrq.gov/Clinic/tp/brfouttp.htm" rel="nofollow">Breastfeeding and Maternal and Infant Health Outcomes in Developed Countries, which is a metaanalysis of a large number of studies involving breastfeeding and formula feeding in developed countries. I summarized some of the key findings in my post on the http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/05/14/the-scientific-benefits-of-breastfeeding/" rel="nofollow">Scientific Benefits of Breastfeeding. The risks of formula are real and they involve more than just access to clean water and socioeconomic differences.
I don't find your argument that "those kids will have their turn in school instead" particularly convincing. The benefits of breastfeeding extent beyond the time when the child is being breastfed. I know that anecdotes don't = evidence, but for what it is worth, my son who was breastfed for 2.5 years, has now been in school for 3 years and has not had to see a doctor once since being in school (other than annual check-ups/vaccinations) . He has never had an ear infection and never needed any prescription medication in his entire life. My daughter, who starts school this fall and who was breastfed for 3 years, has never seen a doctor for anything but a well visit. I'm sure she'll get sick at some point, but I'm not bothering to brace myself for an onslaught of illness once she is in the presence of other children every day.
With regards to your question: "Why do so many people give a hoot how someone else feeds their child?", I would say:
1) I agree that there are too many people who stick their nose in other people's business. It is none of my business why a mother chooses to formula feed instead of breastfeed. It is also not my place (or anyone else's place) to tell a breastfeeding mother to "do that somewhere else" when she is feeding her child in public. People are jerks. It happens. It sucks.
2) On a general level, there is a public health interest in ensuring that our society is as healthy as possible. This means promoting healthy choices and ensuring that those choices are accessible to as many people as possible.
I think those two very different issues (individual choice vs. public health goals) often get mixed up, with unfortunate results.
Why give a hoot what someone feeds their child? Well, one reason is simple economics. Formula-fed children cost about $6000.00 more in health care than breastfed children (probably more than that--that was from a study I ran across several years ago). Under our current setup, much of that bill is being covered by the taxpayers--ergo, those "well-to-do" people that DO breastfeed their kids--through Medicaid or SCHIP programs. Also, the taxpayers are footing the bill for a huge percentage of the formula that is given to babies in this country, through WIC. If you don't want someone caring that you choose to give your child inferior food, make sure you're paying the price yourself. If you are going to take other people's money, you get their judgments along with. That's part of the price of taking charity, and a major reason why the welfare state has failed. Taking handouts without having to face the person giving them to you is not psychologically good for us.
That's just one reason. There are, of course, plenty of others.
Joanna - can you provide references to studies that that show no differences in outcome (as you mentioned in your reply)? I asked our pediatrician if the research is really as conclusive as often presented and she was pretty adamant that there is little ambiguity in the current body of research (and yes, it does show clear favorable outcomes for breastfeeding). I would be interested to know what you are referring to specifically.
Thank you Heather! Extremely well said (AND I am on my very last day of formula feeding after ebf for 7 months - lost supply due to surprise pregnancy).
I just wanted to chime in here, too... not to judge but to pass on information in case one day you did want to attempt to breastfeed another child. I also suffer from chronic pain (my spine is fusing, knee problems, arthritis, etc etc) and am on medications daily in order to function. Something that I just recently wrote about is weighing risk vs. benefit when dealing with a mother who suffers from a chronic condition. A mom who does not take her meds is not only putting herself at risk, but her baby... when taking a medication that you require to function (whether it be for pain, for mental stability, or anything else) is the right choice for your body.
We're often told we cannot breastfeed as a result, and this is very rarely true. Let me put it this way: I have life-threatening allergies. If I didn't take my allergy pills daily while pregnant, my baby would be deprived of oxygen and nutrients during it's crucial period of growth. This puts my fetus at serious risk. Taking the pills dramatically improves outcomes (and research backs this up!) and the health of babies in allergic mothers. HOWEVER... if I wasn't allergic and I was just taking them for recreational purposes, I am putting my baby at risk. It isn't as simple as "same dose = same effect" because medications have a different effect on the overall stability of a body that requires them vs. one that doesn't.
On top of that, when weighing the risks of formula vs. the risks of medication passing through milk, there's no comparison. There's so much more to it than, "appears in milk". Just because a medication is detectable does not mean it passes onto baby in a dose that their body metabolizes, or is affected by... or that it even GETS to them after their stomach and internal organs break it down a third and fourth time (your stomach, your blood, baby's stomach, baby's blood).
Take your meds, research them well and I absolutely guarantee you that you will find ones that are safe. :)
I won't share my medications publicly, but you're welcome to email me and talk privately if you like: summerstorms at shaw dot ca
This is a lovely post, and I love what you've said here... thank you.
It's difficult for me to just blithely move on when someone is talking about the myths, and just "quietly respect" it... the same way it's difficult for me to blithely ignore someone saying that turning their infant's carseat at 5 months is "just as safe" because she's never gotten in a car accident, and the baby clearly likes it better anyway. When it comes down to issues of life-long/world/public/infant health, I feel like we can't afford get entangled in the politics of politeness. There's just too much at stake. It's a troublesome feeling because we're all supposed to be good little lactivists who never speak unless we're spoken to, and yet by doing so we allow misinformation to be spread like wildfire when we had a chance to correct it... then when we do it only results in more defensiveness, often regardless of how you phrase it. It's enough to make you want to give up on people completely.
We have this cultural idea very deeply nested in privilege that says no one should say or do anything that would make another person uncomfortable, like say, "That's not true" or, "that's a racist thing to say". On one hand I completely respect and 100% agree with what you've said, on the other hand it's impossibly hard to expect that we'll ever get past the myths that are deeply entrenched in our culture when we do that. Informed choice is hard to come by these days.
First, thanks for a very sensitive and thoughtful post. I agree with Fearless Formula Feeder that your friends are lucky to have you in their corner. I also agree that breastfeeding is most often the best choice for both mom and baby.
However, the science on the exact health benefits of breastfeeding to mother and baby is pretty weak. I have read the ARHQ meta-analysis and -- here is the important part -- I've also read many of the studies that were included in the analysis. Despite what the ARHQ report says, the quality of the studies is not always strong. For example, the evidence they use to support the idea that breastfeeding reduces the mother's risk for type 2 diabetes comes from the Nurses Health Study. The Nurses Health Study has been famously wrong on a great many issues so far (replacement hormones being good for elderly women, for one thing, vitamin E helping women's hearts being another). So to begin with, there is no good reason why we should necessarily believe it is correct on the issue of breastfeeding and diabetes, either. The reason it is often wrong is that it is an associational study ONLY. When it finds a difference between two groups of women, it cannot say WHY this difference exists, only that it exists. The authors try to guess at the reason based on their statistical analysis, but they cannot account for every hidden factor, and thus they often get it wrong.
But anyway, on to the issue of type 2 diabetes and breastfeeding. Overall, the study finds NO benefit to breastfeeding in terms of women's diabetes risk. Women who "ever breastfed" had no better odds of avoiding diabetes than women who "never breastfed." In fact, the only women who had a statistically lower risk (compared to those who never breastfed) were those who breastfed for 2 years or more. Women who breastfeed for 2 years or more in the United States are a rare group indeed. These women are different on many levels -- maybe even genetically different, who knows?? The researchers can't know because they didn't measure. They say it's due to the breastfeeding. They might even be right. But they haven't proven it, and given all the caveats here (the fact the study in general has been wrong so many times before; the fact that women who choose to breastfeed for 2 years are quite different in many ways, not just breastfeeding) give us good reason to take the findings with a grain of salt.
This is just one of the many studies included in the analysis. Most of the others are similarly limited. As for pediatricians and their reading of the literature, many of them simply are not qualified to read it. They have not taken the statistics classes or had workshops on experimental design. (I have; it's part of a PhD, not an M.D.) They were busy learning the important stuff for their practice, such as recognizing the signs of whooping cough, etc. I wouldn't take my sick baby to a Ph.D. for care and I wouldn't take my study to an M.D. for advice on experimental design.
Anyway, I'm not trying to argue that there are no health benefits to breastfeeding. I'm sure there are some. (a slight reduction in breast cancer risk comes to mind as plausible) But the science on the subject is actually pretty bad and not nearly as clear cut as it's made out to be -- even by the government!
In closing, I thought I'd mention one thing I think actually harms the breastfeeding cause: the insistence to women that they are supposed to do it for a year or more. This can sound so daunting for a new mom who is struggling with cracked nipples and a crying, hungry baby. A year can seem like forever, and if the woman thinks she needs to spend a year or more on the project to get any benefit, she might be tempted to give up. I wish more lactivists went with a "try it for a few weeks and see how it goes. It should get easier! You can always re-evaluate." Most moms will establish a good breastfeeding relationship during this time and then a year might seem like a breeze!
Joanna
The ARHQ result explicitly states:
"For maternal outcomes, a history of lactation was associated with a reduced risk of type 2 diabetes, breast, and ovarian cancer."
I don't have a PhD, but I know that "was associated with" doesn't mean "caused"... and I'm pretty sure any old MD does as well.
I agree that you need to have some knowledge of statistics and research methods if you want to be able to read medical studies, but we're really not talking about a huge level of complexity when it comes to these particular studies.
In any case, the maternal outcomes are really of very secondary importance if you ask me. What is the strongest decision factor for me are the outcomes for the child... and again, I think the body of research is fairly clear in its conclusions there.
I'm not sure if I should be flattered or insulted by the insinuation that I might be genetically different from most of the population.
Yes, take it a little at a time, and, yes, every drop of breastmilk a baby gets is a good thing. Take the "few weeks at a time", keep renewing it, and before you know it, it's been a year. Do that times a couple of kids & you belong to that "rare" group of women who has breastfed two years or longer. I've long said that one message that REALLY doesn't get out to new mamas is "Stick to it, in a few months, you know what you're doing, baby knows what's she's doing, and all of a sudden, it's easy. Most mamas quit before they get to the easy part.
But it's not a good thing to have the mindeset that you can always just change to formula. Too easy. My first was a premie, spent a week in NICU with me pumping bottles for her, 'cause I couldn't hold her long enough to get bf-ing going. Which, unsurprisingly, left us with ISSUES to sort out when we got home, as far as getting breastfeeding properly established. Had I not been of the mindset that formula was not an option, she would not have weaned a lot longer ago than her 3rd birthday. A few weeks in I realized we were never going to get anywhere unless bottles were also not an option--and, mind you, this was NOT helpful for me. I was sore for 4 MONTHS, working full-time and then some (but I had her with me). But then, the second baby was as totally easy to bf as the first was tough--and he's still nursing at 21 months. Just 'cause it ain't easy doesn't mean it ain't worthwhile.
I always suggest trying to keep up with it for a couple of months--because a few weeks' old baby may be colicky and very needy. I tell moms that if a 6 month old nursed the way a 2 month old does, well...I probably wouldn't have kept breastfeeding and I'm not sure the human population would have made it.
As to your other points. Yes, correlation and causation--people often miss these issues. At the same time, while not EVERY associated health issue may pan out to be correct, it seems very likely that if health benefits are associated with what is a natural process that, for at least some of them, there is a causation relationship.
Not sure about maternal diabetes and breastfeeding--but I do not think it is such a leap of faith to believe that moms make the best food for their infants.
If the science is bad that is only because truly randomized trials are unethical.
So, absence of (solid) proof in this case is not really proof of absence (of effect), know what I mean?
doesn't make breasts sag? you've got to be kidding me.
i'm all for nursing and did it with both my kids but come on... you can't tell me i would have these shrivelled little nothings afterwards if i hadn't breastfed!
Yes we can... because it's true. Breastfeeding isn't what changes your breasts: it's pregnancy. Regardless of whether or not you breastfeed, your breasts will increase several cup sizes, fill with milk, and eventually dry up. Plus, over your life your breasts will loose elasticity, sag depending on their weight, etc etc... It has nothing at all to do with breastfeeding. Age and pregnancy do the most "damage".
hbm: It isn't breastfeeding that causes them to sag. It is pregnancy, age, and a host of other factors. Choosing to breastfeed (or not) makes no difference.
My mom never breast fed and started out with Bs and ended with E. Had to have a breast reduction later in life. Like they said age and pregnancy. Plus it has a lot to do with genetics.
It took me years and two babies to ask the right kind of questions to the right people at the right time and be able to figure out that I have hypoplasia. I'm glad people continued to share their knowledge, to direct me to appropriate sources for additional info (including an email *with photos, whoa*) to Kathleen Huggins. I kept struggling, I kept talking, I kept supplementing, and we made it. It made me somewhat resentful to buy cans of formula even while nursing, pumping, cleaning tubes and bottles and breast pads, but there you go. It's the way of it. Second daughter nursed 3.5 years and still has fond memories of it.
To really want to breastfeed and not be able to make enough milk is severely worsened emotions-wise when the pat assumption is that I just *think* I can't make enough milk, haven't tried enough things, or haven't tried hard enough. A diagnosis and second opinion from professionals has been of real, concrete assistance in both physical and emotional ways. -NOT implying that I wasn't talking to helpful people before, mind you-
In my experience, many helpful people feel with the right cheerleading I can go on to successfully breastfeed 100%. I love cheerleading, but I happen to need more than that, and getting real answers to a legitimate problem has been so helpful. I am researching both before-baby preparation options and also Milkshare for DD#3. Thanks for years of support, lactivists!
[...] LOT of women use formula, for a variety of reasons. I don’t care why. Point is, there shouldn’t be any judgement. We’re all moms, we all love our kids, we’re all [...]
Wonderful post :)
I am one of those who wanted so much to BF successfully. I tried so hard. I tried until I had bleeding sores. I asked for help from everyone I could- nurses, peds., LCs, I even contacted LLL. I even took a class and read every book I could prior to birth. I put him to the breast literally RIGHT after birth, and I did it often. But (AND I might be getting into TMI-land here, but WTH) between my flat, tiny nipples and his tiny mouth we just couldn't get it right, even with all the support and great advice. I even tried using shields. I ended up in the ER with Mastitis from the sores. And I STILL tried.
I eventually pumped for him and he got BM for 7 months. But I could only pump so many times a day (it's SO much harder than just BFing- all the sterilizing and prep work and taking time out to try to relax and pump. So eventually my supply dwindled). I did supplement sometimes, but for a majority of the time my milk supply was great, just at the beg. and end I had to supplement.
Anyway, it was devastating. I bawled for months over it. I felt like a total failure, and I really didn't appreciate others asking me about it. You said it just right here- it opened up the wound EVERY TIME. It hurts me at a level so deep I couldn't get over it at all for a long time (it still makes me feel awful. I'm getting teary-eyed at the moment). But I know now that I did my best and I tried much harder than many probably would have (especially after the Mastitis). I had people (mostly strangers or those who didn't know me well) asking if I was BF and why I wasn't (or assuming what I had in his bottle was formula- making me explain why it was BM and why I had to pump it). Which I couldn't explain in full detail; I mean, it's one thing to go into my nipple issue with a bunch of strangers online who I will never see face to face, it's quite another when talking to my mom's friends or my husband's coworkers. So because I would be vague and just say we had latching issues, they'd assume I'm stupid and lazy and would go into a big lecture about the importance of "trying". Like I don't know. It was insulting and hurt me every time. Not only that but I felt violated, like my personal space was breeched. So I just wanted to say for someone like me, IMO, this letter was just great. Wonderfully put.
Anyway, I plan on trying again when we have the next one, and hearing that you make more tissue with every baby is great news :) (although I was like an I or something crazy when I was BFing LOL so god knows what size I'll be next time! EEK!).
I am as saddened by those who choose not to breastfeed as I am by women who believe they cannot deliver their baby naturally. Both were life-altering experiences for me and I mourn for women who never get to experience the 'post birth high' or the intimacy of snuggling their child to their breast. The idea that someone could be repulsed by breastfeeding is repulsive to me. I was sexually molested for 7 years and that never entered my head when I chose to breastfeed. The fact that one could associate the negative feelings from being molested with the pure innocent joy of breastfeeding is one more sign of out society's sexualization of breasts. If our society hadn't turned boobs into sex objects molestation survivors would never even make a connection between sexual trauma and breastfeeding.
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[...] I won’t ask you why you didn’t breastfeed (PostRank 7.5) [...]
I like the paragraph on defensiveness. It reminds me of the great circumcision debate - another human rights issue and hot button parenting topic. For example:
"This is really hard because people get defensive. They may get defensive because they are using a commonly held circumcision myth as a cover for a deeper reason for circumsizing that they do not want to share and they really don’t want their cover to be blown. Or they may get defensive because they really believed that myth and if it isn’t true, then it puts their decision into question. I don’t want to blow anyone’s cover and I don’t want anyone to feel bad about a decision that they made, especially if they made it because of bad information given to them by someone else. But…but…but…I don’t want other women to give up on not circumcising because they believe something to be true that really isn’t true and I don’t want you to be robbed of the opportunity to not circumcise your future children (if you want to) because you believe something that really isn’t true."
Just for example. Insert other parenting choices, CIO, bed-sharing ect. I think it works just as well.
I'm sorry I'm so late to join in here, but what a lovely post. I breastfed and for the first 3 months it was hell. 14 months later we're still doing it, and I wouldn't change it for the world. But, I know there are other moms out there who feel differently - and many, many of my friends have wrong impressions and information on breastfeeding. It's become such a touchy subject that it's hard to even bring up just in passing.
Thank you for this.
[...] [...]
Just stumbled upon this blog and this post in particular and I totally adore it. I have been in the same awkward situation before where someone is telling me they "can't breastfeed because they didn't have enough milk." I want so badly to explain how unlikely this is, but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just don't want them to spread this myth to others.
This was a wonderful post and I have to say that I hope I can reach that point in my own growth someday. Right now I feel so strongly about breastfeeding and how important it is that I just get angry when people don't have a "good reason" -i.e., because their breasts belong to them, because it's gross/dirty/inappropriate, etc.
I know that breastfeeding isn't the best option for some duos, like my friend who decided she would be better off taking her depression medication and being a stable parent (and like Jackie above). I find no fault with people that have legitimate medical or emotional reasons, but people who don't research it at all drive me crazy. I think someone who isn't willing to at least consider breastfeeding as an option shouldn't be a parent. And I realize that it's judgmental and I don't want to be that way but my love for all the little babies far outweighs my love for their mamas.
Intellectually, I'm right on board with your post, but as you can see my heart hasn't quite caught up. Maybe it's just the idealism of pre-parenting youth - I truly hope that someday I can view the subject with as much tolerance and compassion as you do.
Give her some time. It may not be a disconnect at all. Remember how exhausting the first few weeks (and months!) are. She may just be overwhelmed and need some time to adjust. You can always take her a delicious meal ready to throw in the oven to remind her that you are thinking of her and how much you care for her. :)
I make it a point to talk about why I gave up on breastfeeding so early - because I know (now) that I was wrong about a lot of things - and I hope that it will somehow help other moms (and myself next time around).
At the same time, I won't say I haven't lied about the whys (especially in the beginning, when I felt most vulnerable) and it is very important to not make moms feel like they have to do so - how will that ever make them want to breastfeed?
All that to say - I appreciate your post. And the misconceptions DO need to be corrected - but it DOES need to be gently. Beating someone over the head with how wrong they are is never going to convince - even if you are 100% right. So thank you for your gentleness - and for spreading the word on how important that is...
Oh and I should add - I ALWAYS believe I would breastfeed - I DID do research - I DID judge other moms before I ever had my own...and then I ran into more booby traps than I ever knew existed.
I know there are moms out there who just decide to do things without caring about the consequences or bothering to do any research - but there are also plenty who do care a lot and who did think they were prepared.
My wish is for more and more moms to know and understand where they can get total, loving support when they are having a hard time - as opposed to judgment, misinformation and all around difficulty. It is these types of posts that are stepping stones to getting to that point.
i nursed my baby for one day....yes 24 hours before hitting problems and have cried everyday since.... i live in fear my baby will become ill or worse as i formular feed. Constant reading has made me feel like i am pouring poison into her mouth and paying a huge premium for it too!
It is now week 4 and i work every 1 and a half to two hours pumping to try and get my suply up to meet the needs of my 11lb beauty! But a mere 6 - 8oz a day will just not surfice! I try to latch her on but she gets fustrated...sometime if tired she will nurse for a few mins...more conforting i guess. So here is a mum desperate to do her best trying to nurse (i give her what i get through the bottle) Why? due to medical reasons...and yes i feel genuine ones... i had to endure ecg's xrays, bloodtests, blood gas tests and vq scans (which in turn make you and your milk radioactive for up to 48 hours) i had to watch the staff feed my baby by bottle....i believe stretching her stomach and giving her a taste for large feeds. I could not even hold my child for this period of time due to the radiation...devestating. why? due to a potentially fatal blood clot on the lung. at first i refused the tests...but would my baby be better off if i was dead? no! so i had to go ahead. Since then i have never been able to sucessfully nurse her unless she had a top up feed and yes for two days i nursed her for up to 9 hours at a time without a break! so please do not judge... and yes please listen i still greive the loss of my ability to ebf but am attempting (unsucessfully to date) to get it back.
Oh this sounds so familiar :(
My daughter is 7 weeks old this week and a week old today by her corrected age (she was born at 34 weeks) we've been out of hospital a week. We had so many issues with her feeds and she spent two weeks having all her feeds from a bottle with the odd breastfeed in there when she occasionally asked for it. She had the first two weeks as nil by mouth, a week of breastfeeding (too soon IMO) where she caarried on losing weight until she was -10%, a week of mixed feeding then two weeks of bottle and we've been working on breastfeeding for just over a week.
I've been working for just over a week on reestablishing breastfeeding, it's not easy and she is intolerant to the formula which makes her very sick (she just opens her mouth and it flows out, she doesn't make any noise so I've ended up soaked without realising it until I'm soaked) so I'm desperate to get her away from it. Today is the first day she's not had a top up, she normally needs a full feed in the night so we'll see how we go tonight.
My tips for you:
Give an ounce before a feed to take the edge off the hunger.
Babymoon as much as possible - go to bed, keep you both naked, let baby sleep on your chest and feed when hungry, don't watch the clock, have everything you need ready next to you (food/ drink/ TV controls/ laptop).
Express both sides after a feed.
Drugs! I've been on Domperidone which the hospital prescribed but can be bought as Motillium; and Fenugreek 3x4 a day, you need to smell of it (sweat/ milk/ wee)
Don't beat yourself up if you have to give formula, every bit of your milk you can give is a bonus. Remember a huge amount of people were formula fed and go on to live normal lives without any problems, it's not a given that there will be.
That's if you want to do it, not saying you should do it, just letting you know how we're doing it.
Sadly unless she was on some heavy duty anti-psychotics she was misled about not breastfeeding on antidepressants. Another myth that needs challenging, too many doctors take the cautious road and tell women not to breastfeed with medication when it's not necessary.
The importance of trying??? Your baby was getting your milk, what else matters?
It just seems like it's breastfeeding because it delays it happening until you stop (I've been going for 5 years, through two pregnancies and an H cup so dread to think what they'll look like when I stop!) just like the myth that breastfeeding makes your hair fall out, it's just the extra hair that didn't fall out in pregnancy, if you don't breastfeed it falls out soon after birth and if you do it happens when your hormone levels drop as baby cuts down or weans.
[...] on her amazing blog. I didn’t need Dr. Narvaez to prompt me to write When it is Not Breast or I Won’t Ask You Why You Didn’t Breastfeed. The positive discussions were already happening, I [...]
Actually, the mean, pushy, rude lactivists might keep people from seeking help. It's not a myth. BTDT. I appreciate that you can't imagine that there WOULD be mean lactivists. Unfortunately, I have experienced many.
I am totally offended actually. I'm not an idiot. I know that my breasts do not make enough milk. After pumping for 18 months and nursing for an additional without pumping. I know that my breasts don't make enough milk.
I had plenty of support. But I quit asking them for help because they had attitudes such as yours. Honestly!
That is so cruel. Honestly.
It is not a myth! Good Lord! It happens. Research that too. Some people have infertility too, are you going to tell them they don't?
About 3-5% of dyads can't breastfeed (and not just for supply issues) so it's not that uncommon but neither is it as common as you'd believe if everyone who said they didn't have enough milk. Actually, the figure might be higher than that but you can't blame it on lactation failure, more like lactation support failure.
Replying to this:
"Author: Claire
Comment:
About 3-5% of dyads can't breastfeed (and not just for supply issues) so it's not that uncommon but neither is it as common as you'd believe if everyone who said they didn't have enough milk. Actually, the figure might be higher than that but you can't blame it on lactation failure, more like lactation support failure."
I see this percentage thrown about a lot. Where is the data to support it? I've seen anthropological think pieces but never any actual data. I don't know what the actual number is. I suspect it may be higher. But I don't know. What I do know is that this (phony) number is trotted out to make the case that women give up on breastfeeding too easily. If you are not one of the 3-5% with a "bona fide" reason for being part of a "dyad" that couldn't cut it, then you just suffered from "misinformation" or "lack of support" or maybe you just didn't love your baby enough or maybe you were not strong enough to gut it out.
Yeah, right.
Here is the other side. Sometimes the breaking point for a mother (who is by the way 100% of a total person with her own feelings and needs and not just 50% of a "dyad") falls on the other side of 3-5%.
The lengths we expect women to go to to breastfeed are often unreasonable, especially when options exist that allow parents to healthfully feed their babies.
I am far more interested in providing women with the assistance they need to meet their own feeding hopes and goals than to muddle over whether or not a women who did not breastfeed long enough (or at all) fits into some neat little category of the 3-5%.
That statistic makes me want to OCCUPY something.
Same here, Teresa. In my experience, most moms will offer up their reasons. Then I talk about the option of relactation. Unfortunately, I don't think any of the moms I've discussed it with have ever tried it.
Hi,
Where did this letter come from? I've had a copy of it that someone gave me ages ago, but it is not credited to anyone/any where.
thanks
I wrote the letter. It should be credited to me -- Annie @ PhD in Parenting -- www.phdinparenting.com.