Friday
Nov192010
Ready to snap
Friday, November 19, 2010 
In my reader survey, two people asked me very similar questions. Since this evening I was ready to snap, which also tends to heighten my memory of all similar moments in the past, I figured this is as good a time as any to write about it. Their questions were:I'd love to hear what you do when your children push your buttons until you are seething. How do you hold it together? What do you do when you do lose it? What does 'losing it' look like for you? What situations lead to you losing it and what have you changed to mitigate/avoid it?
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What is the most violent immediate future you've ever avoided by calming down out of the moment? A shake? A slap? A butt smack? Nothing? What I mean is, most parents face their anger in their child's defiant eyes, or when a child has done something dangerous to a sibling. All (most) of us just shift the physical impulse off to the left while we handle the situation, but have you ever been scared by the possibility you saw in your own emotional reaction?
Most of the time, I try to be patient when the kids are doing things that make me seethe. I can handle my kids being defiant if that is the only thing going on and I find that my Discipline Spectrum generally tends to guide me in the right way. However, I find it gets to be too much for me when everything else is going wrong too. If other things that are creating stress for me, if I haven't had a break in a long time, if I'm exhausted, if I'm sick or injured, if I've had a disagreement with someone I care about, then having my kids test my patience over and over again on top of that it can make me lose it. Essentially, if I am really far off of the balance I strive for, then I just don't have the patience.
I wrote some of my feelings on this after a particularly bad day in Berlin this summer. This was when we had only been there a little more than a week. Everything was new to them. Everything was new to me. I went from sitting in an office all day to being alone with the kids all day. We didn't have any of our things. There wasn't a backyard to send them out into. There wasn't even a television to offer a brief sanity break. There was nothing.
In Age three: defiance with a smirk, I wrote:
Both of my kids at three, it seems, reached the age of defiance with a smirk. Not only are they completely selfish, but they also seem to take joy in preventing others from meeting their needs and have little sense of potential danger or discomfort for themselves. Refusing to go the bathroom before we leave the house and taking joy in the fact that her brother and I are frustrated that we can’t leave the house until she changes her mind (even though she also wants to go where we want to go). Having the ability to open closed doors to return to the scene of a previous crime and attempt a destructive and dangerous feat once again (e.g. swinging from the curtains in a borrowed apartment). Running in front of your feet with begs to be carried one moment (and getting tripped over in the process) and running off wild in the wrong direction or pausing to pick up dirty cigarette butts the next. Refusing to leave a playground or store when her brother has to go to the bathroom. Throwing toys or books across the room when they don’t do what she wants them to do. Asking for a specific food and then refusing to eat any of it. I could go on.
In that post, I characterized our difficulties as a "battle". A couple of commenters noted that seeing it as a battle is part of the problem. I do recognize that, but I was being honest about my feelings on that particular day. It did feel like a battle and it is usually when it gets to that point that I feel like I'm going to blow a fuse.
What does losing it look like?
I have never been physically violent with my children. I know intellectually that hitting my kids is wrong. But I also don't seem to have the instinct to hit my children when they make me angry. Even when my daughter slapped me in the face. Even when my son threw a toy car at my eye. Physical violence isn't a reaction that I need to fight off. I know people who strongly believe that spanking is wrong, but that have spanked their children when they put a sibling in danger because they just reacted and didn't know what else to do in that moment. But that isn't an instinct I've ever had.
That said, I have physically restrained my kids or physically removed my kids from situations. I have held them or carried them as they screamed bloody murder. I have done that in public (never a fun prospect) and I have done it at home. I have also screamed. That is probably the instinct that I have most often that I don't like. When I run out of other options I scream. I don't mean the routine screaming a lot of parents do when reminding their children over and over again about things they are supposed to do ("PICK UP YOUR ROOM ALREADY!"), but more the "STOP THAT NOW!" scream, sometimes in combination with physically restraining the child. If I get to that point, I have lost it. That is the reaction I try to fight off. That is the one that scares me, both because I don't like seeing myself like that, and because I don't like seeing the look in my child's eyes when I get to that point.
I also cry. If no one is in immediate danger, but if my kids have just been horrible to me all day long and if none of my attempts to be patient or to connect with them have worked, then I have gone to another room and sobbed. Sometimes the kids ignore me, but usually they come to me to see what is wrong and that creates a new opportunity to discuss the problem. However, that discussion doesn't always mean that the problem magically disappears. In Berlin I sometimes had several days in a row where I ended up in tears, but it did mean that at least they recognized that Mommy can't just take it all the time.
What I do when I'm about to lose it
I breathe. I count to 10 under my breath. I leave the room. But that isn't always enough. If the destruction is continuing or if they follow me and keep up with whatever they are doing, then things just escalate.
I'm not a fan of using television as a babysitter. But I am a big fan of using television to avoid mistreating my children and damaging our relationship. That is why, in Berlin, we did end up buying a small television. I knew that I needed something that would distract and calm the kids when they weren't calm and I wasn't calm so that we could both take a breather. The television gave us that, along with the added bonus of helping them with their German.
I also think that fresh air is a great solution. Here in Canada, that is easier. Especially now that the kids are a bit older, we can just send them outside when everyone needs a breather. Even if they just go out for five or ten minutes, sometimes that is enough. But fresh air is also a good mitigation strategy in general. I find that the more time our kids spend outside, the less likely we are to get to a point where I feel like I'm going to lose it.
Trying to turn things into a game or a playful moment helps too, but usually if I am ready to snap, then it is already past that point for me. That is an idea that needs to kick in a bit earlier in the process for it to be a good option for me.
My fears
My biggest fear when I'm ready to snap or when I do lose it is that I have lost all connection with my kids and lost all ability to influence them via that connection. I generally believe that human beings who care about each other and are connected with one another will also treat one another with respect. When my children seem to have lost all respect for my needs and my feelings, then I get scared that we have lost that connection.
My other fear is that I've raised little monsters. I wonder if maybe I should have been a stricter disciplinarian and created schedules and rules and penalties and all sorts of things like that to keep them in line. I worry that they are not only going to be horrible to me, but that they are going to be horrible to everyone else.
Those fears, thankfully, are usually short lived. It doesn't usually take that long to reconnect and once we have reconnected or regrounded ourselves or reestablished some normalcy in our lives, then I realize that the absence of connection, grounding, or normalcy is what was causing them to act the way that they were acting and that they are not, in fact, little monsters but just human beings reacting to changes in their environment.
What I don't want or need
In the moments where I feel like I'm going to snap, as much as I feel like I need help, I don't really need advice. I do not need someone telling me how great time outs are. I do not need someone telling me that I was disrespectful to my child and that if I just focused better on connecting with her that these problems would not arise. I do not need someone saying that I expect too much of myself or that I expect too much of my children. I do not need someone telling me that we need strict consequences for misbehaviour. I need a hug. I need empathy. I need help. I need a break. I need space. I need time to think. Once I've had that, I need one-on-one time with the kids to reconnect with them and I need a few days of calm for us to get back to normal and leave our stresses behind.
How about you? What is it like for you when you feel like you are about to snap?
Image credit: Pink Sherbet Photography on flickr
Reader Comments (63)
I have found Scream Free Parenting & Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves helpful.
[...] Danielle, Cecily, Laurie, Sarah, Victoria, Ann, Chrysula, Jennifer, Meagan, Kim, Ria, Jen, Liz, Annie, Maria, Kristine, Arianne, Kelby, Julie, Hollee and Becky, Laura, Casey, Valerie and so many more [...]
I can relate to your post, and I am in the process of seeking some counseling to help me to find some emotional tools to draw from when I get to that breaking point and feel like I want to strike out physically. I am normally a very compassionate, kind, and balanced person who wouldn't normally have that kind of reactions. I'm happy to hear you being so honest. It helps me to be honest too, and move forward with forgiveness for myself. I've just recently resolved to crying when it gets too bad, and I just end up apologizing to my kids when I lose it. I hope to get some tools to defuse my rage and anger before it gets to a boiling point in the future. Thanks for your comment!
I blog. Mostly when my family is asleep, sometimes while my husband looks after the children, or standing at the kitchen counter hammering our my "message" in the midst of complete and total chaos. Nobody gets hurt by my typing and it's cheaper than counseling, since I STILL don't have a job. (My spouse used to lament that I was "STILL breastfeeding" but now it's all about my unenployment...)But in all seriousness, it's meditation when my fingers race over the keyboard, my mind opens and releases its emotional toxins, and then I press the Power Off button. And everyday the sun rises on a new day and I start over.
I leave the room to cry. The other day, I actually went out in the backyard and screamed. Then screamed some more. Then sobbed. Then finally went back in when I'd managed to settle down. Like you, I've never had a violent impulse to beat back. Though there has been one time when I actually understood how it is that someone can shake a baby. While I didn't have the temptation to do it myself, I could understand it. That was my cue to put the baby down and leave the room to settle down.
Ok this hit the nail on the head!
I unfortunately slap, spank and grab when I am going to snap which is about every day with my 2 month old, my 23 months old and just 4 year old. My husband moved me from Boston (right in the city) where I grew up and had support to middle of nowhere Sidney NE where there is NOTHING to do, not even a target within 2 hours! With the 3rd baby I was on bedrest there were baby and placenta complications, we moved temporarily back to Boston for the birth since the hospital is 3 hours away, then moved back here after the baby's birth, and bought a house and moved. We still have not sold our house so it is a financial BURDON to have the 2 houses. I am at my whits end and feel like I am always snapping (similar to my upbringing) and creating a horrible environment for my children. Plus all the comments to me from family and working out of the home Mom's about "how lucky I am to stay home" This article was good and gives me some coping tips to try when everyone is ALWAYS crying and whining at my house :( Seriously are everyone's kids needy and unhappy ALL the time??
[...] I know, because I’ve been there too. Many times. But I’ve realized, as I wrote in Ready to Snap, that when I am there, I don’t need [...]
I'm so thankful I found this article tonight. I am struglling with a 4-year old with Down Syndrome (acts more like he's 3 but he's very smart). He has been getting oppositional about everything I want him to do (get dressed, shoes, go meet the bus), and sometimes even defiant. I do end up screaming sometimes, and I hate it. I've cried plenty, and feel like the worst mom ever. I'm glad to know I am not the only one that deals with this. Maybe I am normal after all. but his dad (we are divorced) told me last night in a text that he "couldn't get the image of me screaming at my cats out of his head, and that he wouldn't stand by and let our son be abused". ?!?! I know I'm not the perfect mom, but apparently I have a lot of company out there. I'm still reading articles about how to control anger, and getting on medications to hopefully calm me down. thanks for this article.
Hi Julie! I don't have a child with special needs although I did take my youngest for ADHD testing and left before the test started. No thanks. Consider your son's defiance as simply learning how to state an opinion (such as it is, I know). Know that the world is not going to fall apart if you let him wear different socks and three shirts. If he misses the bus, oh no, wonder what he might miss today.... About that ex-husband, his words mean nothing unless he is wanting custody or shared custody. If I know men, and unfortunately I do, he'll complain about every aspect of your child rearing but refuse to do it himself. Says he 'won't stand by'? So he'll be by in the morning then? He'll have him this weekend? Does he remember your son's birthday or the name of his school? Call his bluff on every threat. I found that that old saying "pick your battles" is a good one. And you are not alone, and those that say their life is perfect, are liars. Welcome!
I fight the opposite urges... I never scream or feel the need to scream (unless I'm trying to be heard when things get too loud!), but I do find myself fighting the urge to spank when I am loosing it. In fact, I'm one of those people you mention above- I don't believe spanking is an effective method of discipline, yet I've done it. However, instead of feeling guilty about it, I simply view the few times I've spanked as pure proof it doesn't work. It never helps. It doesn't help the child to calm down or learn, and it doesn't help me stay calm and guide my child. Since I've done it I know that first hand.
I also wonder if a stronger connection doesn't result in more challenging behavior. Looking at it from outside (obviously not in the moment), children are supposed to challenge rules and boundaries, and they tend to do so more when they feel the most secure. I know that my kids are absolute angels at school, but we have lots of battles at home. As frustrating as that is, I am thankful they aren't challenging their teachers the way they challenge me, AND I view that as a sign they feel comfortable enough around me be challenging (make sense?).
Most successfully I walk away. Thankfully my children have their own space upstairs, and I can't imagine what we would do in a confined space like you dealt with in Berlin. I have to be able to walk away, let them work out their mood (or whatever they're working out), and let me calm down. And if it's one of those cumulative things, when it's been days of stress and challenges, I try really hard to get out of the house without the kids and do something relaxing, usually something simple like sitting at a coffee shop or going to a movie. I also know that when I get to that point it's usually linked to my diet, and I try harder to make sure I'm eating healthier for a few days.
Lastly, I want to thank you for talking about this. Too often when we have these conversations about discipline and parenting in general we discuss only the ideal situation. But most of the time we aren't dealing with an ideal situation. Most of us have more in our lives than JUST parenting, and we have other things that stress us out. So when we read only about the ideals and what we SHOULD do and don't also have this conversation about those moments when we "loose it" and how we handle it, use it to learn, and move on, then all we end up with is guilt and the feeling of isolation, like "wow, I must be the only mom who is struggling with this." Sharing this and giving us the opportunity to discuss it is great to help combat those feelings.
Oh yes, I definitely know that feeling of the kids acting out because they are more comfortable around you. My daughter has daily temper tantrums at home, but is a little angel at school. My brother was the same way too. He challenged my mom constantly at home, but was a well-behaved, polite, helpful boy in public.
This post and the parents comments are extremely reassuring that my wife & I are not living on some other planet dealing with the hurricane force that is our 3 year old daughter's need to exert her will!
- I have been a hands-on dad right from her delivery, diaper changing, feeding (when she came off the breast-feeding) and because I have had years of part-time jobs working in restaurant/cafe kitchens while I was in college, doing most of the cooking + dishes is not a hassle for me- I also do the laundry & hanging out too.
Most couples we know, the dads all do similar input - they really do bust their chops helping -
- I don't know any do-nothing Jurassic minded "that's women's work" "bring me my slippers and a pipe" dudes who get home from work and park themselves comfortably in a chair - blissfully ignorant to what a hell storm their wives day has been like.
I've served in the military and was raised by a family of extremely tough men, yet in no way do I see busting my chops with the housework and taking care of our kids as making me "feminine" or "unmanly" as some mucho, wannabe tough guys think it does -- (laughingly, to me it's these guys who sit on their asses and do nothing around their homes to help their wives with the kids and play no role in caring for them who are the total Princesses - get these slobs a tiara and a frilly white gown!
Still, regardless of my help, my wife still does the hard-yards, now we have a 6-month old baby daughter, shes been up all night with the 24/7 feeding, our 3-year old "being-3", I do what I can, but with starting my own business from home, it's a juggling act that is burning us out.
When our 3-year old erupts into one of her intense, defiant "NO - I won't" moments or does something dangerous or harmful to her little sister - and we are both tired beyond words, stressed, just wishing for a day where you could be completely alone, I know that snapping point only too well!! -
BUT - although in some situations, where its a choice between a smack on the butt or her doing something harmful to herself or her little sister that could need a trip to the hospital or worse,
And all other forms of communicating with her have failed to reason with her 3-year old "I WONT" logic as to why she can't do the dangerous thing she is he'll-bent on doing -
-Then the smack on the butt becomes the last form of communication we have left
& If this form of communicating can save our child's life and it can prevent critical harm then you can take your cushioned, fluffy "time-out-make-nice-space" and throw it away, because you won't have a child to put in their if it fails to teach and instil in them what is dangerous and life threatening and how we must never, ever do that - despite the smack and tears - at the end of the day you are hugely diminishing your chances of the horrible ordeal of your child in hospital.
We smack our child - on the butt - its NOT child abuse - we don't strike out of anger - never - while her actions can see us steaming - and she knows most of the time what she has done is wrong and yes we are angry - the action of smacking must be done - and only as a last line of communication when all other forms of communicating with her have failed (& at 3, they will quite often!!)
Child abuse is raising a kid with no sense of safety, no sense of self discipline or behaviour boundaries, no sense of respecting and complying with what their parents ask them to do for their own good - an undisciplined, free-range, do whatever they want kid - likely to wind up maimed or killed in some stupid accident that could have been avoided if they were taught using a range of techniques that did include a smack and strict parenting.
My wife and I both know and understand how when we are tired and stressed that "snapping point" is dangerous ground - but we have to be smart and strong - and we can't let dangerous. Bad behaviour just be ignored, that's just running away from your problems,
We hate having to smack her, any decent, caring parent does, we'd rather talk and reason - but when that fails - we have to suck-it-up and give her a smack -
Just wish parents like us wouldn't be classed as "kid beaters" or "abusive parents" because we are honest enough to say that we have good call to smack our kids when all other options have failed.
I have spanked my kids and i feel horrible about it. I also scream at them. I usually pretty patient but I get to my limit and its hard to stay calm. My parents beat me with a big wooden paddle, and were verbally abusive. I don't call my kids names, but once I called my daughter lazy and felt very bad about it. my parents called me names all day long, "stupid" was the most common, maybe 10-20 times per day, also lazy, useless, little bitch ect... Compared to my parents I'm a saint, but I wanted to be a perfect parent and I'm not and I hate my self for that. I told myself I'd never spank or yell and i do and I hate that. I'm just so stressed, am a single parent living in poverty, trying to do everything alone. It's too much. I wish I knew how to be a more patient parent.