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Monday
Mar232009

You are not a perfect parent...

...but you should be a confident one.

I've read over and over again about the impact that a mother's mental health and frame of mind can have on her children. Children of happy mothers are more likely to develop high self-esteem and are less likely to be anxious and worried. Moms dealing with postpartum depression  should get help, for their own sake and for their child's sake (this has been reaffirmed by people like Kristin @ babyREADY, Jennifer @ Barely Knit Together and Katherine @ Postpartum Progress). But even among moms that do not have PPD, there seems to be an ever-present tendency to question whether we are doing a good enough job as parents.

Oh, the Mommy Wars and the Myth of the Perfect Parent


The perfect parent is a myth. That person does not exist. We all make choices as parents, some free choices and some forced choices. Sometimes we are able to do what is best for our children and sometimes we are not.



I hate the term and the concept of Mommy Wars. I think people often make them up or imagine them. It seems any time a mother talks about the benefits of a choice she has made or questions the opinions of another mother, it is interpreted as a war. If this is how wars begin, it is no wonder there are so many ridiculous wars going on in the world these days.

Some of the wars are over issues where there is no clear better choice. In other cases, there is a clear documented better choice, but not every family is able to achieve that ideal. Some moms breastfeed, but purchase processed foods too often due to time constraints or exhaustion. Some moms formula feed, but put a home cooked meal made from whole foods on the table each night. Some parents smoke, but don't let their kids watch TV. Other parents let their kids watch TV, but also model healthy lifestyle choices. Some parents resort to sleep training, but spend lots of quality time with their kids during the day. Other parents have to go to work during the day, but would never dream of letting their child cry it out.

No one is perfect. Not you. Not me. Not anyone else.

Where does the insecurity come from?


But why can't we talk about what is better when there is science to back it up? Why can't we talk about what works for us and why in case the same thing might work for someone else? Why can't we celebrate our successes without it necessarily detracting from someone else's accomplishments? Why are people so insecure about their own choices?

Mama Hope asks whether it is wrong to openly support breastfeeding.  In her comment on my post for Do Over Day, Annie @ Imagination in Parenting, said:
Pertaining to parenting and not my children per se - i lose patience way too fast when people act like i’m just “trying to be better than them/supermom” if they find out that “we eat homemade as much as possible” or “that i never bought baby food - it was all homemade” “that they never got formula” or “that we cloth diaper” or “that my children don’t watch tv” or “that i get to stay home with them everyday”. I feel like i just want to YELL that I’m doing what WE feel is best for OUR FAMILY/SITUATION and that it bugs me that I have to pretend that we do things we don’t. I don’t offer these things to “show off” ever - i wish the people making assumptions of how everybody parents would just stop - then they wouldn’t make me feel horrible!ha. I just need to learn to not allow it to get to me.

This reminds me of the middle square in Mom's Tinfoil Hat's Mommy Wars Bingo: "By defending YOUR parenting priorities (breastfeeding, natural foods, no TV) you are attacking mine!!!"

Maybe if we were all just more confident in our choices and in our abilities, then we could have normal conversations about the pros and cons of different approaches, about what research says, about success stories and inspirations, without someone feeling judged or getting offended. Obviously, there are unfortunate cases where individuals get attacked for their choices or their actions, but for the most part the so-called Mommy Wars seem to start out as simple discussion about the benefits of one approach over another and then deteriorate into a war because people somehow find a personal attack in between the lines. Is it really so wrong to discuss? Does discussion automatically = judgment? Even if we do judge a choice or an idea, can we not separate judging that choice or idea from judging a person?

Can we avoid passing on this insecurity to our kids?


I don't know what it is that makes people so insecure about their own parenting skills. But I do hope that one of the things I do right as a parent is to find a way to instill enough confidence and self-esteem in my kids that they do not feel threatened by being different, that they take criticism in stride, and that they can accept their own weaknesses.

I have read that avoiding stress during pregnancy can help (managed that with one pregnancy, but not the other). I've read that being happy and confident around your infant can help (think I managed that one). I've read that interacting and engaging your baby, smiling back when your baby smiles and talking to your baby can help (think I managed that one too). I've read dissenting opinions on the pros and cons of praise and am still working through all of that. I've read books like Dr. Sears The Successful Child, Margot Sutherland's The Science of Parenting, and Louann Brizendine's The Female Brain that all have great ideas in this regard.

My son recently told me "Mommy, I really like me". You cannot imagine how happy those words made me.

Image credit: Amit Gupta on Flickr
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Reader Comments (58)

[...] Happiness is a good goal that will benefit moms and their children. But sometimes you have to work through unhappy to get to happy, whether by working on a relationship or getting out of a relationship. That’s life. And the kids will be fine. [...]

[...] Happiness is a good goal that will benefit moms and their children. But sometimes you have to work through unhappy to get to happy, whether by working on a relationship or getting out of a relationship. That’s life. And the kids will be fine. Posted in General SHARE THIS Twitter Facebook Delicious StumbleUpon E-mail « Next He’ll Be Asking To Go To The Bathroom No Comments Yet [...]

[...] really liked this post over at PhD in Parenting, especially the first bit about mothers and mental health – totally [...]

I hate, hate, hate false dichotomies. People use these all the time.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_dilemma

I think they're stinkin' thinkin', defense mechanism or a manipulation. Hate hate hate that!

September 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

I like this post (and incidently - I have just come across your blog and love it!), but the difficulty arise when you find yourself as a parent doing what you NEED to, which gets in the way of what you feel is best for your family/child.

For example: I planned to be a stay-at-home mum with my little boy, but then my partner left me, completely out of the blue. I spent as long as I could at home with him, eating up all my savings, spending less and less money and eeking out clothes until the arms were way to short and layering blankets on us at night when the heating was too expensive. Until I got to a point when I thought that whilst it may be best for me to be at home with him 24/7, it is not best for him to be without nice things and to have to sleep in a sweater. So I made the tortuous decision to start working again and found a childminder. She's wonderful and I think I found the best person in her. She is an attached and engaged parent with her 2 children, has the same values and principles as me when it comes to caring for children, she is environmentally conscious, cloth diapers, wears her youngest child, doesn't agree with CIO, cooks home-made meals, everything that I do at home. (In fact I think she is probably the parent that I would aspire to be!)

But despite knowing that I am earning to provide a better home environment for my son and knowing that he has the best care that I can provide and the best that I could find when I am not there, I hate myself every day for not being at home with him. I hate that he enjoys the childminder and I hate the fact that I am a "working mum". I hate that he had to get upset the first few times that I left him and I hate the fact that he had to get used to the idea that I wa going to leave him for a few hours. It was completely against my instinct to leave him, often upset, with someone else for a few hours at the age of 18 months, however nurturing she is, so that I could go to work. And I till struggle with that. Now thats not to say that I think there is a problem with parents working - absolutely not - it is just not what I had planned, not what I feel comfortable with and not what I enjoy.

So my question is - how can you be a confident parent when you are not happy with the way you are parenting?

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLila Mae

Hi Lila Mae,
I'm so sorry you've had a rough time.
I think that when our first child is born we have high expectations about how we will be as parents, and this is usually not borne out in reality. In your case your partner left you, but other examples are ill health, a child who turns out to have disabilities, family stress of all kinds including from the extended family, job loss, unexpected pregnancy or any number of things. Real life is all about how we deal with the situations that life throw us.
Even an unwanted situation has some benefits. I hope that you can gradually come to focus on the positive side of the situation that you have mentioned, especially your excellent caretaker and your close relationship with your son, and the benefits of working. Then perhaps your negative feelings will gradually subside.
Best of luck to you.
-Hannah

November 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHannah @A Mother in Israel

Oh Annie, I love this post. I worked as the Executive Director at an Infant Mental Health organization in England for almost 2 years and we advocated widely and strongly for parent-baby bonding. I struggled constantly though with how to convey that in way that wouldn't diminish or take away from cultural or personal choices families were making or were faced with having to make. I love your statement, "It seems any time a mother talks about the benefits of a choice she has made or questions the opinions of another mother, it is interpreted as a war. If this is how wars begin, it is no wonder there are so many ridiculous wars going on in the world these days."

I am now back in the U.S. and have opened my own practice and often tell people that there are many right and good ways to parent. I am always on the look out for good, free resources I can offer parents and I'll be adding you to my list. Thanks for grappling with this topic, I really enjoy reading your tweets and blogs!

November 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth Danowski

It would be interesting if you did a follow up with Kristin @ babyREADY, Jennifer @ Barely Knit Together and Katherine @ Postpartum Progress to see how things have developed in their lives since writing this posting. To see how their choices in parenting, life, etc... have impacted their parental choices, life and children.

June 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
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