Thursday
Oct042012
Bullies: From Bus Drivers to "Concerned" TV Viewers
Thursday, October 4, 2012
"Hey there trouble," was the standard greeting of an adult I know well to every child or canine that crossed his path. Delivered with a sly smile, it was a way to avoid having to learn people's names and a great way to get a giggle out of them. I know it was meant well, but now I wonder if anyone ever took it the wrong way?
This week, a 4 year old Ottawa boy was labelled "trouble" by his bus driver. Literally. All the kids were given labels with their names on them to help the bus driver learn the kids' names, but Ethan was the only one who had a qualifier added to it. In addition to the label, the bus driver also had the other kids say "Good-Bye Trouble Ethan" when they reached his stop.
Ethan's mother, Julie Cates, wants the bus driver fired. She told the CBC that it has affected her son's self-esteem because he now thinks he is "trouble". Cates told the CBC:
In addition to trouble, I remember kids being labelled slow poke or day dreamer or told they had ants in their pants by adults, either from their circle of friends and family or by those in positions of power (teachers, scout leaders, coaches). These labels were nudges, delivered with good humour, and intended to gently guide children back onto the right path. They weren't intended to be cruel, but perhaps they were taken that way sometimes.
I don't know whether the bus driver in this instance handed out the label with a smile and a wink or with an air of meanness. I don't know if he was intending to shame the child or get a smile out of a shy kid. Either way, the child and the parent seem upset about it and they should certainly follow-up.
But I do wonder why they didn't simply approach the bus driver and say "Hey, Ethan was quite upset by the 'trouble' label you put on him yesterday. I'd appreciate if you didn't do that in the future," maybe mentioning it to the teacher or principal too if the parent felt it was warranted. Instead, it has been splashed across all of the local media (and now my blog, I know, I know) and a full investigation is underway, with someone's job possibly in jeopardy.
Bullying is certainly wrong, but with "no tolerance" policies, I wonder if we've lost our ability to have civil discussions with each other when problems come up, instead of always alerting the authorities and the media.
Many of you probably saw the story about news anchor Jennifer Livingston's public response to a rude, fat-shaming letter she received from a concerned citizen. Several people, including Haley Overland at Today's Parent and Liz Gumbinner at Mom 101 have written far more eloquent pieces on this issue than I could.
Haley asks whether the term has been overused:
Liz concluded:
Yes, they do both suck, as does a 4 year old being labelled "trouble" by a school bus driver. Jerks are going to be jerks. Bullies are going to be bullies. We can't control that entirely (although we can try to change it over time), but we can control our reactions to it. Ethan's mother wants the bus driver fired and told the media so. Livingston read and addressed the fat-shaming letter on television.
Now over to you, my incredibly smart and thoughtful readers: What would you have done in those two situations? How would you have reacted?
Photo credit: Screen capture from CBC news video.
This week, a 4 year old Ottawa boy was labelled "trouble" by his bus driver. Literally. All the kids were given labels with their names on them to help the bus driver learn the kids' names, but Ethan was the only one who had a qualifier added to it. In addition to the label, the bus driver also had the other kids say "Good-Bye Trouble Ethan" when they reached his stop.Ethan's mother, Julie Cates, wants the bus driver fired. She told the CBC that it has affected her son's self-esteem because he now thinks he is "trouble". Cates told the CBC:
I have no idea why he would have labelled him trouble. We've heard of no incidences from the school. That's the protocol that the school bus driver is supposed to follow: If there's any incidents he's to inform the principal who then informs us.
In addition to trouble, I remember kids being labelled slow poke or day dreamer or told they had ants in their pants by adults, either from their circle of friends and family or by those in positions of power (teachers, scout leaders, coaches). These labels were nudges, delivered with good humour, and intended to gently guide children back onto the right path. They weren't intended to be cruel, but perhaps they were taken that way sometimes.
I don't know whether the bus driver in this instance handed out the label with a smile and a wink or with an air of meanness. I don't know if he was intending to shame the child or get a smile out of a shy kid. Either way, the child and the parent seem upset about it and they should certainly follow-up.
But I do wonder why they didn't simply approach the bus driver and say "Hey, Ethan was quite upset by the 'trouble' label you put on him yesterday. I'd appreciate if you didn't do that in the future," maybe mentioning it to the teacher or principal too if the parent felt it was warranted. Instead, it has been splashed across all of the local media (and now my blog, I know, I know) and a full investigation is underway, with someone's job possibly in jeopardy.
Bullying is certainly wrong, but with "no tolerance" policies, I wonder if we've lost our ability to have civil discussions with each other when problems come up, instead of always alerting the authorities and the media.
Speaking of the media...
Many of you probably saw the story about news anchor Jennifer Livingston's public response to a rude, fat-shaming letter she received from a concerned citizen. Several people, including Haley Overland at Today's Parent and Liz Gumbinner at Mom 101 have written far more eloquent pieces on this issue than I could.
Haley asks whether the term has been overused:
Yes, bullying is REAL, bullying needs TO BE STOPPED, and we need to continue to BRING AWARENESS to it because so many kids out there need the support that big bullying initiatives incite. But we also have to be cautious about overusing the label. We need to set stronger standards for our kids, rather than encourage them to play victim by making every negative incident they experience, every negative comment thrown their way, about bullying. Aren't rejection and criticism, for example, important aspects of growing up?
Liz concluded:
It pisses me off to see cries of BULLY any time a parent sees a two year-old who doesn’t know how to share, or a blogger sees a post rebutting their own.
But when I think about the differences between a one-on-one personal attack and bullying–my feeling is that they’re identical cousins separated at birth. And they both just suck.
Yes, they do both suck, as does a 4 year old being labelled "trouble" by a school bus driver. Jerks are going to be jerks. Bullies are going to be bullies. We can't control that entirely (although we can try to change it over time), but we can control our reactions to it. Ethan's mother wants the bus driver fired and told the media so. Livingston read and addressed the fat-shaming letter on television.
Now over to you, my incredibly smart and thoughtful readers: What would you have done in those two situations? How would you have reacted?
Photo credit: Screen capture from CBC news video.
Reader Comments (28)
I agree that the term "bullying" is being grossly misused in our society. Not every single instance of someone being a jerk means that they're being a bully. Of course bullying is very real and very damaging (I was bullied when I was in junior high) but I think that the word (and the very concept) is losing its meaning because it's being so casually tossed around.
Let's just call jerks "jerks" and leave the "bully" label with the true bullies.
The bus driver just needed a conversation from the parents and the kid. Just telling him that it hurt the boy's feelings. Chances are, it was in jest and he meant no real harm. Gosh, adults said things like that all the time when I was a kid. I even had a co-worker label me "trouble" once! (In jest. Should I have reported him to the HR department for 'bullying'?)
As for the letter to the news anchor calling her fat. That was a rude thing for the "concerned viewer" to do. Dude is obviously a complete ass with absolutely no comprehension of how to be socially appropriate. I have no problem with her calling him out on air, particularly since there was such a big hullaballo surrounding it, but I don't believe that this was bullying. Call the guy a jerk, tell him to keep his opinions to himself, and get on with life.
Or she could have completely skipped that part and just ignored the letter completely. Sometimes you have to decide what is worth fighting about and what isn't.
When I was a kid, my dance teacher called me "Casey Brat Brown" for years. I hated it. But I laughed and smiled when she said it so no one would know how much I hated it. I wish that someone would've stood up for me. But no one did. I eventually quit dance.
In the case of "trouble," if I were the parent, I would go to the school and talk with them about it first, giving them a chance to fix it.
I had a Seventy-year old gentleman tell me about how his 3rd-grade teacher called him a "turnip head" and that he had "sawdust for brains". He was SEVENTY and this stuff still stuck with him and shaped how he thought of himself.
People need to stop labeling kids like this.
I was interested to see your post on the use of the word bullying. I have for some time been saying that this term is morphing into something different than it should be. Bullying is a persistent pattern of behaviour that is repeated, uses power to harm, and is not the same as incidents of inappropriate or unpleasant interactions between people. If we were never called a name, had our feelings hurt, suffered criticism or rejection, or had to cope with the disrespectful or rude behaviour of others, I wonder how character develops. So much of what we learn about identity strength, assertiveness, integrity, and belonging comes from standing up for ourselves and what we think or believe. The world will never be rid of inappropriate behaviour so we best learn how to arm ourselves to cope with it and to protect ourselves. But bullying is a different business altogether. It is damaging, unnecessary, has lasting negative impact, and I think can be stopped with the right attention. But every nasty exchange on a playground is not bullying.
I would have talked to the bus driver very clearly myself, and only gone from there is the problem persisted. Then, watch out. As for the news announcer, i loved her response because I thought it was a very assertive and clear expression of her speaking out for herself. But I wouldn't call that bullying.
Re: Julie Livingston
It's my understanding that her intent was to ignore it, but her husband (also a news anchor) posted it on his Facebook because he was so upset. Her decision to discuss it on air was provoked not just by the letter, but by the horrible (and encouraging) comments people posted on Facebook. I also saw an article where the email writer came forward and stood by his comments. It appears to me that he is trying to shame her into changing her behavioural; in my mind that's being a bully.
Update: The bus driver apologized, so the mom revoked her insistence that he be fired. She still wants him reassigned to a different route though.
I'm so glad you wrote this. Both of these stories have troubled me this week. Will we hear the word "bully" so much out of proper context that we become desensitized to it? Right now, the reaction is outrage, over and over. But how long before the "bullied" become the boy who cried wolf? Then what happens to true victims of bullying? And how do we get help for those who truly are bullies?
I read an opinion piece a while back (and I so wish I could reference it with a link - I don't remember where it is) that asserted that the no bullies movement is in and of itself a type of bullying. It was an interesting perspective that I'm not nearly as eloquent in expressing. Whether anyone agrees with that perspective or not, I think it's good to consider how far is too far in trying to solve the problem.
The reality is that people are sometimes mean to each other. Some people are just plain mean. We have to learn to live with them and waving the no more bullies flag isn't likely to change their behaviour. It's not that different from trying to convince someone to adopt a new religion. The bullied (accurate or not) are becoming saints worthy of great rewards (the NY school bus driver/the news anchor) and the bullies (accurate or not) are our demons that need to be vanquished.
The problem is that there's always a reason. And bullies aren't demons. They are troubled humans who need help.
So interesting about the labels we give kids. I had a friend whose youngest brother was a handful. But, it always bothered me that the family (including mother) called him the "devil". I didn't know him well enough to know if it bothered him (it must have, right?) but, the last I heard, his life was pretty hellish so it seems to have stuck to him.
And, I agree that we need to be careful about the term "bully"---kind of reminds me of the Boy Who Cried Wolf story. If we scream "bully" every time someone is mean, we may ignore the real accusations of bullying when they come forward.
If my child had been labeled trouble, I'd have phoned the bus company and asked to speak the driver to find out his side of the story. It would depend on my child, and how comfortable he then was on the bus, if I wanted him to ride a different bus or the driver to be on a different route. Honestly, I'd probably start driving him myself-and I have when the bus seemed to be a source of anxiety for him.
As for the news anchor, I thought her response and sticking up for herself was admirable. I don't know if I would have called what happened to her as bullying, as being in the public eye you do get your fair share of nasty mail. If we looked at it that way, we'd have to say every celeb is bullied ALL THE TIME.
Shame on that bus driver! I think singling out one small child with a derogatory nickname, putting it on his name tag, and not only using it yourself but insisting his peers use it as well is most definitely bullying. That is vastly different from using a good-natured generic moniker for everyone, or from bestowing specific nicknames on all the children, and I don't think it really matters what the reason was. Discipline, if it was needed, shouldn't be demeaning. That this came from an adult in a position of authority makes it worse. Let's hope the school board (or bussing company) uses the episode as an opportunity to educate their drivers about treating kids with respect.
It seems clear that this was inappropriate behaviour on the part of the busdriver. Even if it was intended in jest, it would be very poor judgement to expect the 4yo subject, much less the other children, to understand the nuance. I found the use of the word "bullying" to be a bit odd at first, but I suppose that a misuse of power can fairly be called bullying, and that certainly characterizes this case.
When my younger son was 4, he was considered to be trouble by his kindergarten teacher. He was ok with the other kids (mostly ignored them), but exceptionally bad at taking direction from the teacher - she even told me that she had never encountered a child like him in her 20+ years of teaching! It was an inauspicious start to school, but he's now working on his PhD (not in parenting :), so things came out ok in the end. (A few years ago, his older brother gave him a Tshirt that read "BE THE TROUBLE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD)
As a teacher, I see a real problem with the way bullying is handled today. Every child and parent has learned that using the word "bullying" brings about an instant, massive response. It becomes very difficult to sort through generic "she said/he said" situations and determine whether actual bullying happened or whether it was just another incident of children bickering. Also, I feel that children are being trained to believe that being the victim is the most satisfactory way of dealing with problems. I certainly think that there are situations in which adults do need to step in, and there are certainly still incidents of real bullying. But I think we have completely stopped teaching and expecting children to deal with hurt feelings, insults, and problems in ANY way except to call "bullying" and wait for an authority figure to handle the problem.
Allie, I agree that children are being taught to "cry foul" at almost every single instance of upset on the playground. I personally try very hard to encourage my own two girls (ages 7 and 9) to try and work things out for themselves first, before taking it to an adult. There is a lot to be said for "the good old days" when we were kids and were just told to "work it out". I don't envy teachers these days, with everything that they have to deal with.
On the one hand I agree that kids should be taught self-reliance as much as possible. On the other hand, a significant number of kids who are bullied don't have the social skills to know how to "work it out", so if they are left to themselves they may just conclude that it's their own problem, and if they can't solve it themselves, it's their own fault, so they just have to take the abuse. Bullies often do have the social skills (or at least the social savvy) to know just how far to push. When my older son was 11 (and small for his age), there was a much larger boy at school who *every day* would grab him by his feet and turn him upside down and drop him. One day, my son retaliated. Guess who got in trouble?
I meant that I thought kids should be encouraged to work it out in those cases when it's NOT bullying, when it's just "squabbling on the playground" kind of stuff. When it's clearly bullying, then I think that adults definitely need to get involved.
To me, bullying is a repeated behavior. Yes, people can be mean to each other, but when there is meaness over and over and a child is being singled out, adults need to intervene. I wish adults had intervened with me. In any case, I don't believe the newscaster was bullied. Was the author of the email a jerk? Yes. But bully? I don't think so. However, I don't mind her putting it on the news as 1) there was a big issue on FB and 2) I wonder how many adults think about fat-shaming in the context of adults.
In regards to the bus driver, I would have gone to the bus driver or teacher first. It would take a lot for me to go to the media.
I agree. I do think that fat shaming is so prevalent in our society that it was worth addressing in this instance. We need to support initiatives that make it easier for people to live healthy lifestyles, not shame individuals who do not live up to an arbitrary (and often equally unhealthy) body ideal.
That's awful, Casey. Did you tell your parents about it or did you hide it from them too?
I have several things that have stuck with me too from my childhood. One in particular, was the kick-off to my experience of being bullied and my bullying story as told in this post: http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/08/01/the-bully-who-defined-me/
I never told my parents. I thought it was probably true and worried I'd get in trouble for being a brat. :(
"Bullies aren’t demons. They are troubled humans who need help."
I agree. I think that by demonizing them, we only encourage them to continue. They begin to embrace the role. Teaching them and empowering them to make positive choices is a better route.
BE THE TROUBLE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD
I love it!
I think when kids do go to teachers, one of their roles should be to teach them strategies to work it out. Give them options or ideas on how to handle things instead of always jumping in to handle it for them.
I would absolutely contact the principal of the school, and perhaps the bus driver directly. Even if meant in a non-serious way, if the child or parents are offended, it isn't ok.
My fifth grade teacher called me "squirrel," because he thought I looked like one. I was new to the school and insecure as it was, his label only encouraged other students to tease me (fortunately light-heartedly, however).
While I still remember being called squirrel, and cringe at the thought of how it made me feel, I don't consider it bullying. Nor do I consider labelling the child "trouble" bullying from the bus driver. Bullying incites fear in the recipient; it is deeper and more intense than just irritating someone because they were called an unflattering name.
Yes, I think this is the best approach - it's important for the kids to know that they can go to the teacher (or parent) for assistance. In the vast majority of cases, direct adult intervention will not be required, and the kid can be coached on how to handle the situation, but the channels of communication have been opened, so in case of escalation, the kid will still know that they have somewhere to turn.
About the bus driver, I must disagree. When an adult picks on a young child like that then due to the power differential it's more than just irritating. If adults tease eachother then it's irritating, when adults tease children it is scary. I've seen how my children react when adults (always men of course) tease them. The men think it's funny but my kids just want to run away. Of course, it make me want to slap the idiots who are scaring my kids.
I got the impression the broadcaster didn't see the viewer as a bully per se. She wanted to draw attention to his behaviour as an example of the bully attitude.
We have had our share of complains to the school system over crappy bus drivers. I have gone physically to the schools my kids attend to discuss my kids being bullied and at one point even threatened. Never once have I gone to media, or the authorities. I agree. Let's have a bsae starting point of going to the adults and having a discussion. If nothing is resolved, then one could go from there, but why have people lost their ability to speak and solve problems amongst themselves?