Wednesday
Dec142011
Toddler World
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Today, as part of the Carnival of Toddlers, I'm pleased to share a guest post by Bolaji Williams from www.ithinkyoushould.com about empowering our children. "Anyone can lead," even our toddlers. Please join me in welcoming Bolaji.
Toddlers are fascinating human beings for a variety of reasons, not least because so much of the ways in which they orient and construct their toddler world has everything to do with the ways in which we, the adults in their lives give them space to do so. For example a toddler who is given freedom to express herself and creative space to self-regulate is generally-speaking a happy child. I know, you must be thinking, what does a toddler have to be technically unhappy about beyond the usual “I want this tantrum?” Everything, if we’re paying close enough attention.
I have two girls age 3 and 6. Each has a unique approach to life specific to their age and to their personality. I’ve noticed that while my 6 year old is confident and self-possessed, she is also cautious and carefully edits her environment prior to proceeding. My 3 year old doesn’t. She jumps in with both feet blissfully unaware of what “might be” and is quite happy to go along the path of not knowing. This may be attributable to personality, but in my limited experience as a parent, everything is possible—particularly from the vantage point of an empowered child.
In our house we try to practice a child-centered approach to parenting which means that our lives revolve around our children. At the same time we make a concerted effort to assure them that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them. I’m also a firm believer in the John Cage adage, “Anyone Can Lead. Begin Anywhere.” This is a beautiful philosophy when applied to child development because it privileges child self-empowerment, and personal agency. It’s also an excellent guide that teaches us as parents when to step back and when to let our children take the lead. It goes without saying that being a good leader, means that you also have to be a good follower.
In many ways, the “Anyone can Lead” approach is much like Attachment Parenting because by virtue of letting “anyone lead” we are giving ourselves the opportunity to respond to the cues that allow the individual who feels particularly emboldened or empowered to take the first step— like breastfeeding on demand, for example, or self-weaning when the time presents itself. It also means that on the one hand while we are supporting the decisions of the present leader, we do so cognizant of the fact that we too will eventually get our turn to lead in the area in which we excel.
The Anyone Can Lead philosophy is built on a respectful exchange of ideas and creative social cues that allows ideas and personalities to flourish. With respect to toddlers it begins with simple open communication that gives them the opportunity to speak the truth of their “toddler reality” without unnecessarily re/interpreting them to placate an adult bias or preference.
When both of our children were born my husband and I never engaged in “baby talk.” [Do parents still do that?] We did so because we felt it was important to communicate our reciprocal needs properly so that they too could communicate their needs properly. We did so in order to build trust, respect and understanding amongst our girls. By speaking clearly and using “real” words, we discovered it was an excellent way for them to get to know our voice so they in turn could get to know their own voices. It certainly helped them to develop their opinions and their own understanding of the world. And thus far it’s been an excellent way for us to recognize what they need, want, or like. In that same vein I’m reminded of the myriad ways in which they teach us how to parent them.
Recently my 3 year old has come home with stories about a Montessori classmate of hers who is quite aggressive with her and likes to tell her what she can and cannot do. This has been an excellent opportunity to discuss the finer points of personal space, boundaries and respecting other people’s wishes and opinions in a different context outside the home environment. In toddler terms it means telling her that she has every right to vocalize her feelings to her friend so that they can remain friends. I’ve also worked to shift the focus from the friend who seemingly restricts and monopolizes my daughter’s time and movements in the class, to what else exciting is happening during her day. What I’ve also learned is that the more we empower our toddlers with communication tools at an earlier age, the better equipped they are in the later years when the pressure to conform is greater.
Every day is a wonderful day in toddler terms. The world is huge, but it never has to be overwhelming as long as they feel welcome in it.
Bolaji Williams is currently a SAHM and lives with her husband and two ah-maaaazing daughters in Toronto. Her blog is called www.ithinkyoushould.com and you can find her on twitter via @ithinkUshould. She also writes for online publications, xoJane and Mommyish . Prior to children, she worked in the high-end design industry as a communications’ specialist so she’s essentially been there, and done that. Lastly, she’s particularly fond of Mother Wisdom and her personal fave is “Live and Let Live.” Thanks Mom!
Toddler Carnival Sponsor
Toddlers are fascinating human beings for a variety of reasons, not least because so much of the ways in which they orient and construct their toddler world has everything to do with the ways in which we, the adults in their lives give them space to do so. For example a toddler who is given freedom to express herself and creative space to self-regulate is generally-speaking a happy child. I know, you must be thinking, what does a toddler have to be technically unhappy about beyond the usual “I want this tantrum?” Everything, if we’re paying close enough attention.
I have two girls age 3 and 6. Each has a unique approach to life specific to their age and to their personality. I’ve noticed that while my 6 year old is confident and self-possessed, she is also cautious and carefully edits her environment prior to proceeding. My 3 year old doesn’t. She jumps in with both feet blissfully unaware of what “might be” and is quite happy to go along the path of not knowing. This may be attributable to personality, but in my limited experience as a parent, everything is possible—particularly from the vantage point of an empowered child.
In our house we try to practice a child-centered approach to parenting which means that our lives revolve around our children. At the same time we make a concerted effort to assure them that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them. I’m also a firm believer in the John Cage adage, “Anyone Can Lead. Begin Anywhere.” This is a beautiful philosophy when applied to child development because it privileges child self-empowerment, and personal agency. It’s also an excellent guide that teaches us as parents when to step back and when to let our children take the lead. It goes without saying that being a good leader, means that you also have to be a good follower.
In many ways, the “Anyone can Lead” approach is much like Attachment Parenting because by virtue of letting “anyone lead” we are giving ourselves the opportunity to respond to the cues that allow the individual who feels particularly emboldened or empowered to take the first step— like breastfeeding on demand, for example, or self-weaning when the time presents itself. It also means that on the one hand while we are supporting the decisions of the present leader, we do so cognizant of the fact that we too will eventually get our turn to lead in the area in which we excel.
The Anyone Can Lead philosophy is built on a respectful exchange of ideas and creative social cues that allows ideas and personalities to flourish. With respect to toddlers it begins with simple open communication that gives them the opportunity to speak the truth of their “toddler reality” without unnecessarily re/interpreting them to placate an adult bias or preference.
When both of our children were born my husband and I never engaged in “baby talk.” [Do parents still do that?] We did so because we felt it was important to communicate our reciprocal needs properly so that they too could communicate their needs properly. We did so in order to build trust, respect and understanding amongst our girls. By speaking clearly and using “real” words, we discovered it was an excellent way for them to get to know our voice so they in turn could get to know their own voices. It certainly helped them to develop their opinions and their own understanding of the world. And thus far it’s been an excellent way for us to recognize what they need, want, or like. In that same vein I’m reminded of the myriad ways in which they teach us how to parent them.
Recently my 3 year old has come home with stories about a Montessori classmate of hers who is quite aggressive with her and likes to tell her what she can and cannot do. This has been an excellent opportunity to discuss the finer points of personal space, boundaries and respecting other people’s wishes and opinions in a different context outside the home environment. In toddler terms it means telling her that she has every right to vocalize her feelings to her friend so that they can remain friends. I’ve also worked to shift the focus from the friend who seemingly restricts and monopolizes my daughter’s time and movements in the class, to what else exciting is happening during her day. What I’ve also learned is that the more we empower our toddlers with communication tools at an earlier age, the better equipped they are in the later years when the pressure to conform is greater.
Every day is a wonderful day in toddler terms. The world is huge, but it never has to be overwhelming as long as they feel welcome in it.
Bolaji Williams is currently a SAHM and lives with her husband and two ah-maaaazing daughters in Toronto. Her blog is called www.ithinkyoushould.com and you can find her on twitter via @ithinkUshould. She also writes for online publications, xoJane and Mommyish . Prior to children, she worked in the high-end design industry as a communications’ specialist so she’s essentially been there, and done that. Lastly, she’s particularly fond of Mother Wisdom and her personal fave is “Live and Let Live.” Thanks Mom!
Toddler Carnival Sponsor
Reader Comments (9)
I have a first grade son whose two closest classmates are first grade girls. One of the dads of these girls told me that the other girl was bossing his daughter around a lot and that he was coaching her to use "I" statements to tell the girl what she didn't like about her behavior. It was such a light bulb moment for me. I hope that I am modeling using "I" statements with my son, as in, "I am so frustrated with the way you are ignoring me. I feel like I have to repeat myself to be heard," but it had never occurred to me to explicitly train him to do so. I think arming them with the tools to communicate productively is one of the best gifts we can give them.
agreed! it's amazing how upon reflection we realize the things we often take for granted, particularly when it comes to raising children in a climate of bullying and pervasive hurt feelings. i always tell my girls that it's ok to feel bad, hurt, angry, mad etc., as long as it doesn't last too long!
Wow, I think we share the same attitude about toddlerhood (including the whole baby talk thing), although I never thought of it in terms of "anyone can lead." I suppose that's what it's about, though...creating a partnership with a child by letting them lead. Not into a busy street, of course! Still, I think toddlers are capable of leading in far more situations that many adults allow them to. Your daughters are lucky to be so empowered so early in life!
thanks for your comment sylvia! i hope that my girls feel empowered, i can certainly see the independence taking root on so many different levels. which is not to say that we don't have our challenging moments, oh my! it's during these times that i have to remind myself that my daughter is "only" 3.
My two-year-old is a total feet first jump right in there guy. I love it. I love watching his confidence. And for the most part, I let him loose and intervene only if things get out of hand or unsafe. One of my favorite places to go is the Vancouver Aquarium where, if it's not really busy, I let him guide me wherever he wants to go. It's his morning to do whatever he wants - without swimming with the dolphins that is ;-)
@harriet sounds wonderful! and yes there is nothing like watching budding confidence. i'm always reminded of that when i find myself exasperated that i'm negotiating with a 3yo! which of of course is a natural consequence of empowering them in the first place.
Great post! I agree that we must also be cautious not to dwell too much on our children's days and the negative aspects, or who was being a 'bully', etc. They need to identify a good balance of positive and negative throughout their day, which will carry them through adulthood. Its important for them to see the good and bad in everyone, but this takes practice so they maintain a positive outlook on life as well. I like your comment that states by, "giving ourselves the opportunity to respond to the cues that allow the individual who feels particularly emboldened or empowered to take the first step", for you connected it to breastfeeding. I have submitted a post on Potty Learning for this carnival, and it definately is related to the points you make here about letting the toddler lead. Thanks for sharing!
thanks sarah! i look forward to reading your post. my 3yo has been out of the "potty training" woods for quite some time now, and i'm happy to report that there wasn't much drama in that department. toddlers are certainly a unique bunch; just like the mommas who parent them.
[...] on other blog posts. But I’ve also heard you say how much fun the toddler years are, to learn to let them lead, to enjoy them and to connect with them. I heard you, on both fronts, and I nodded. You see, I [...]