Saturday
Aug092008
Feminist motherhood
Saturday, August 9, 2008
I just came across a blog on feminist motherhood, that I plan to explore more. However, before I let her ideas and thoughts (which I am very interested to read) impact my thoughts on feminism and motherhood, I thought I would answer her ten questions that define what a feminist mother looks like.
1. How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
To each according to her or his abilities and interests, rather than according to societally imposed gender roles. I would say that I've been a feminist all of my life. I never let anyone tell me that I couldn't do anything or shouldn't do something because I'm female
2. What has surprised you most about motherhood?
I don't think that much has surprised me. I didn't have a lot of preconceived notions about what it would be like. I've let my instincts and my children's personalities and needs drive the type of parent that I am.
3. How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?
I used to think that whichever parent made more money should work and whichever one made less money should stay home. However, my view on that has changed somewhat. I do make more money and am therefore the primary breadwinner and my husband is a SAHD. But, I see the value in both parents playing equally strong roles in their children's lives and have therefore taken more leave from work (both maternity leave and other time off) to spend time with my children that I would have if finances were the only or the primary consideration.
4. What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
My husband and I model a relationship, household and parenting roles that are not based on typical gender roles. I think that growing up in this environment will help our children to have less preconceived notions about a "mommy" doing this and a "daddy" doing that. I hate seeing people making assumptions about children (or adults) based on their gender. My post on the bias against boys is one example of this.
5. Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?
I sometimes feel compromised as a parent. I do miss some of the freedom that I used to have when I wasn't a parent. My kids come first and that means giving up on some opportunities sometimes. But since I try not to peg myself into a gender role, I would like to think that I would feel that same compromise if I was a father. So far I don't think I've failed as a feminist mother. But we'll have to wait and see what kind of people my kids grow up to be! That is when I'll judge the job I've done.
6. Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
People make assumptions. For example, they assume that because I am at work, that my kids must be in day care (not the case, my husband is at home). Or they assume that because I'm still breastfeeding, I must be a stay-at-home mom (also not true, I have pumped for both of my children at work and also continued nursing them when we are together once I stopped pumping at work).
7. Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
I've never felt that being a feminist meant that I didn't need to sacrifice anything. I just feel that it means I don't have to sacrifice more or less than my partner does. That balance doesn't exist every day - sometimes I sacrifice more, sometimes he sacrifices more, but in the end it balances out.
8. If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
I don't think it impacts him that much. But the fact that I would consider him a feminist too means that it has been easier for us to work out roles in our family that work for both of us.
9. If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
It hasn't posed any challenges for me at all. I get very upset over gender differences that are imposed on us by society, but I do recognize that there are biological gender differences between men and women. So when I say "to each according to her or his abilities and interests", that means that since I have the uterus and I have the breasts, I was the one that was pregnant and I was the one that breastfed. I think if my husband wasn't an attachment parenting father, maybe there would be more challenges because I might feel I needed to take on more of the parenting to ensure that my children are raised the way I would like them to be. However, since we are both on the same page, it makes things easier.
10. Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?
I think that feminism has failed mothers in countries where they have the equal right to work, but no right to a decent length of paid parental leave. These mothers are forced to either put their child in day care at a very early age or accept a traditional stay at home mom role, where they are dependent on their partner. I think that feminist mothers should be able to choose to spend some time nurturing their children without having to significantly compromise their career or their financial security to do so.
I think feminism has failed mothers when it makes them feel that they have to be super mom and super woman every day. We are told that we need to have "balance" in our lives, but for many working mothers that means working extra hard at their job, working extra hard at being a mother and working extra hard at being a wife. I don't feel that it is reasonable to always have balance between those three areas. And I think that feminists need to seek out relationships with employers (or be your own boss!) and life partners that recognize that and that are willing to ride the waves and ebbs and flows together.
I think feminism has failed mothers when it tells them that choosing to stay at home is not a valid choice. I think feminism has given mothers more choice and more freedom. It has made it acceptable to want more than to just stay home and raise kids. But it also needs to make it acceptable to choose to stay home. Going back to my first answer, to each according to her or his abilities and desires. This needs to be worked out by each couple and I don't think that the choice to have a parent stay home, whether it is the father or the mother, should ever be seen as wrong or backwards. As long as it is a choice that is entered freely and equally.
1. How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
To each according to her or his abilities and interests, rather than according to societally imposed gender roles. I would say that I've been a feminist all of my life. I never let anyone tell me that I couldn't do anything or shouldn't do something because I'm female
2. What has surprised you most about motherhood?
I don't think that much has surprised me. I didn't have a lot of preconceived notions about what it would be like. I've let my instincts and my children's personalities and needs drive the type of parent that I am.
3. How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?
I used to think that whichever parent made more money should work and whichever one made less money should stay home. However, my view on that has changed somewhat. I do make more money and am therefore the primary breadwinner and my husband is a SAHD. But, I see the value in both parents playing equally strong roles in their children's lives and have therefore taken more leave from work (both maternity leave and other time off) to spend time with my children that I would have if finances were the only or the primary consideration.
4. What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?
My husband and I model a relationship, household and parenting roles that are not based on typical gender roles. I think that growing up in this environment will help our children to have less preconceived notions about a "mommy" doing this and a "daddy" doing that. I hate seeing people making assumptions about children (or adults) based on their gender. My post on the bias against boys is one example of this.
5. Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?
I sometimes feel compromised as a parent. I do miss some of the freedom that I used to have when I wasn't a parent. My kids come first and that means giving up on some opportunities sometimes. But since I try not to peg myself into a gender role, I would like to think that I would feel that same compromise if I was a father. So far I don't think I've failed as a feminist mother. But we'll have to wait and see what kind of people my kids grow up to be! That is when I'll judge the job I've done.
6. Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
People make assumptions. For example, they assume that because I am at work, that my kids must be in day care (not the case, my husband is at home). Or they assume that because I'm still breastfeeding, I must be a stay-at-home mom (also not true, I have pumped for both of my children at work and also continued nursing them when we are together once I stopped pumping at work).
7. Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
I've never felt that being a feminist meant that I didn't need to sacrifice anything. I just feel that it means I don't have to sacrifice more or less than my partner does. That balance doesn't exist every day - sometimes I sacrifice more, sometimes he sacrifices more, but in the end it balances out.
8. If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
I don't think it impacts him that much. But the fact that I would consider him a feminist too means that it has been easier for us to work out roles in our family that work for both of us.
9. If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
It hasn't posed any challenges for me at all. I get very upset over gender differences that are imposed on us by society, but I do recognize that there are biological gender differences between men and women. So when I say "to each according to her or his abilities and interests", that means that since I have the uterus and I have the breasts, I was the one that was pregnant and I was the one that breastfed. I think if my husband wasn't an attachment parenting father, maybe there would be more challenges because I might feel I needed to take on more of the parenting to ensure that my children are raised the way I would like them to be. However, since we are both on the same page, it makes things easier.
10. Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?
I think that feminism has failed mothers in countries where they have the equal right to work, but no right to a decent length of paid parental leave. These mothers are forced to either put their child in day care at a very early age or accept a traditional stay at home mom role, where they are dependent on their partner. I think that feminist mothers should be able to choose to spend some time nurturing their children without having to significantly compromise their career or their financial security to do so.
I think feminism has failed mothers when it makes them feel that they have to be super mom and super woman every day. We are told that we need to have "balance" in our lives, but for many working mothers that means working extra hard at their job, working extra hard at being a mother and working extra hard at being a wife. I don't feel that it is reasonable to always have balance between those three areas. And I think that feminists need to seek out relationships with employers (or be your own boss!) and life partners that recognize that and that are willing to ride the waves and ebbs and flows together.
I think feminism has failed mothers when it tells them that choosing to stay at home is not a valid choice. I think feminism has given mothers more choice and more freedom. It has made it acceptable to want more than to just stay home and raise kids. But it also needs to make it acceptable to choose to stay home. Going back to my first answer, to each according to her or his abilities and desires. This needs to be worked out by each couple and I don't think that the choice to have a parent stay home, whether it is the father or the mother, should ever be seen as wrong or backwards. As long as it is a choice that is entered freely and equally.
Reader Comments (4)
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[...] 10 questions for feminist mothers to think about and hopefully blog their answers to. I wrote my answers on feminist mothering here (way back in the day when no one commented on my blog). Since then, I’ve been reading and [...]